Despicable Me

Gru:
[to Dr. Nefario] I said cookie robots... Wh-wh-why are you so.... old?

Gru:
[to Margo; about Kyle] He's a... [pause] I dont know

Gru:
Yes, yes. I went to kindergarten, I know how the alphabet goes.

Gru:
[repeated line, whenever he has an idea] Light bulb.

Gru:
[about Vector who stole the shrink ray Gru stole and shrunk his ship] Ugh! I hate that guy!

Gru:
[to Agnes] Did you brush your teeth? [Agnes nods] Let me smell, Let me smell... [Agnes opens her mouth, Gru sniffs and nearly gags] You did not!

Gru:
Listen close, you little punk, when I get in there, you are in for a world of pain!

Gru:
You've got to be pulling on my leg.

Gru:
That book was accidentally destroyed maliciously.

Gru:
[To his minions] What did we do? Well, we stole the Times Square JumboTron! Nice. [all cheering] That's how I roll. Yeah, you all like watching football on that, huh?! But that's not all! We stole the Statue of Liberty! [Minions cheer] A small one from Las Vegas. [Minions grief with disappointment] I won't even mention the Eiffel Tower. Also Vegas.

Gru:
Watch this. [monotone] Leave a message. Beep.

Gru:
[from trailer, when the balloon boy points at him] You got to be kidding me!

Gru:
[referring to the bedtime story Sleepy Kittens he was reading to the girls] Wow! This is garbage. You actually like this?

Gru:
[discussing a financial problem with the minions] Now, I know there have been some rumors going around that the bank is no longer funding us. Well, I am here to put those rumors to rest. They are true. [his minions get shocked; the girls are also hearing the bad news] In terms of money, we have no money. So how will we get to the moon? The answer is clear [sits hopelessly on a chair] we won't. [some of his Minions start to cry] We are doomed. Now it would probably be a good time to look for other employment options. I know I have fired up my resume, as I suggest that all of you do as well. [feels floppy along with his minions when he feels being thugged lightly on his sweater; to the girls] What is it? [frowned] Can't you see that I am in the middle of a pep talk?

Gru:
[when he hears that the pyramid is stolen; angrily] Assemble the Minions! [throws Kyle of his arm]

Gru:
[reading for the three girls] Three little kittens loved to play, they had fun in the sun all day. Then their mother came out and said, "Time for kittens to go to bed." Three little kittens started to bawl, "Mommy, we're not tired at all." Their mother smiled and said with a purr, "Fine, but at least you should brush you fur." Three little kittens with fur all brushed said, "We can't sleep, we feel too rushed!" Their mother replied, with a voice like silk, "Fine, but at least you should drink your milk." Three little kittens, with milk all gone, rubbed their eyes and started to yawn. "We can't sleep, we can't even try." Then their mother sang a lullaby. "Good night kittens, close your eyes. Sleep in peace until you rise. Though while you sleep, we are apart, your mommy loves you with all her heart."

Vector:
[stealing the shrink ray Gru stole] Now maybe you'll think twice before you freeze someone's head! So long, Gru!

Vector:
[after shrinking his toilet] Oh, look at you. A little, tiny toilet for a little, tiny baby to-- [the toilet is blown off and water sprays him in the face] AAAHH! Curse you, tiny toilet!

Vector:
[as he is falling after being shocked off of Gru's spaceship] My flight suit! [pulls a string that releases flaps like a flying squirrel; starts flying] Oh yeah! Once again, the mighty Vec- [slams into an electrical tower, which shocks him and sends him falling; screaming]

Vector:
Squid launcher! Oh yeah!

Vector:
Don't worry. The moon is as good as ours.

Vector:
[playing with the shrink ray] Take that! You done been shrunk!

Vector:
[from the trailer] When I'm done with Gru, he's gonna be begging for mercy!

Vector:
OH YEAH!!!!!

Vector:
They're not Pajamas!!

Vector:
Curse you tiny toilet!!

Vector:
[After Gru punches his shark] He punched my shark!?

Vector:
(In the intercom asking the girls) I don't care. BEAT IT!

Vector:
[After getting marooned on the moon] Oh poop!

Vector:
"UNPREDICTABLE!

The Girls:
When we got adopted by a bald guy, I thought this would be more like Annie.

The Girls:
I poked a hole in my juice box.

The Girls:
Somebody broke that.

The Girls:
[when interrupted by Gru when playing with toilet paper; points to Jerry the Minion] It was your cousin's idea.

The Girls:
[referring to the pancake that Gru baked for her; eager] Yes! Mine is shaped like a dead guy!

The Girls:
[about a stuffed unicorn] He's so fluffy, I'm gonna DIE!!!

The Girls:
[with a stuffed unicorn before jumping; in deep voice"] IT'S SO FLUFFY!

The Girls:
Pinky promise?

The Girls:
[to Gru] Will you read us a bedtime story?

The Girls:
[sung] Unicorns, I love them. Unicorns, I love them. Uni-uni-unicorns, I love them. Uni-unicorns. I could pet one if they were really real, and they are! So I bought one so I could pet it. Now it loves me. Now I love it. La-la-la-la-la.

The Girls:
[referring to Gru after he punched; to Vector] He's gonna kick your butt.

The Girls:
[while praying before bedtime] And please bless us that someone will adopt us soon. And that the mommy and daddy will be nice [opens her eyes] and have a pet unicorn. [Margo and Edith look at her] Amen.

The Girls:
[strangling around Gru's leg; laughs] I got your leg, I got your leg!

The Girls:
[from Home Makeover, after Gru became unconcious, about his expression; last lines] I think he likes it.

The Girls:
[hugging Gru] I love you.

The Girls:
Hello! Cookies for sale!

The Girls:
Hi! We're orphans from Miss Hattie's Home for Girls!

The Girls:
Actually, we can't [imitates Gru] skip the dance class today.

The Girls:
[to Gru; confused] But what about the other people who orders cookies?

The Girls:
[from Home Makeover; when the social worker arrives; imitating Gru] You must be the social worker. Please come in.

Penny:
[to the girls] Hi, guys.

Dr. Nafario:
[to Gru] It's a dozen boogie robots! BOOGIE!!!

Superbad, Superdad

Some call him bad, they call him dad. (British tagline)

Who's afraid of the Big Bad Gru? (French tagline)

Happy Fathers' Day

Just because he's a bad guy, doesn't mean he's a bad guy.

From Chris Meledandri, executive producer of Ice Age, Ice Age 2 and Horton Hears A Who.

What if the world's greatest super-villain, was also your dad?

His gadgets, despicable ... his tiny army, despicable... his new family, not despicable.

It's hard to balance work and family, but this summer, one dad will give it his best shot.

Fred McDade (Gru's neighbor):
Morning, Gru! How you doing?

Gru:
Hello, Fred. FYI, your dog has been leaving little bombs all over my yard and I don't appreciate it.

Fred:
Sorry. You know dogs, they go wherever they wanna go.

Gru:
Unless they're dead. [laughs] I'm joking! Although it is true. Anyway, have a good one.

Fred:
[confused] Oh, okay. Uh... yeah!

[Gru approaches his door, holding a mace in one of his hands. He peeks through the key hole, seeing three little girls]

Margo:
Hello! Cookies for sale!

Edith:
All right then.

Gru:
Go away, I'm not home.

Margo:
Uh, yes you are. I heard you.

[Edith jumps in front of the peephole and sticks her tongue out at Gru.]

Gru:
[gasps, dropping his club] No, you didn't. This... [monotone] is a recording.

Margo:
[scoffs] No, it isn't.

Gru:
Yes, it is. Watch this. [monotone] Leave a message. Beep. [Edith kicks the door] Ow!

[Margo leads Edith off the porch.]

Agnes:
[still standing in front of Gru's door] Goodbye, recorded message.

Margo:
[off-screen] Agnes, come on!

Doctor Nefario:
[by intercom] Gru!

Gru:
Ah, Dr. Nefario.

Dr. Nefario:
I know how you must be feeling. I too have encountered great disappointment, but, in my eyes, you'll always be one of the greats.

Gru:
What? What happened?

Dr. Nefario:
It's all over the news! Some fella just stole a pyramid! He said it makes all other villains look... lame.

Gru:
[responds angrily] Assemble the Minions!

Gru:
[takes phone call] Hello, Mom. Sorry. I meant to call, but...

Gru's Mom:
I just wanted to congratulate you on stealing the pyramid. [Gru sighs in disgust] That was you, wasn't it? Or was it a villain who was actually successful? [laughs]

Gru:
Listen, I'm in the middle of something that's very very big, very important! When you hear about it, you're going to be very proud!

Gru's Mom:
Ha! Good luck with that! Okay, I'm outta here! [ends the call and kicks a punching bag in her dojo, knocking another man across the room] HA!

Young Gru:
Mom, someday I'm going to go to the moon!

Gru's Mom:
Oh, I'm afraid you're too late, son. NASA isn't sending the monkeys anymore.

[Gru presents his moon heist plan to Mr. Perkins]

Gru:
So all I need is money from the bank to build a rocket, and then the moon is ours.

Mr. Perkins:
Wow! Well, very nice presentation. Um, I'd like to see this shrink ray.

Gru:
Absolutely! Will do! [softly] Soon as I have it.

Mr. Perkins:
You don't have it? And yet you have the audacity to ask the bank for money?!

Gru:
Apparently.

Mr. Perkins:
Do you have any idea on what this bank invested in you, Gru? With far too little of your plots actually turning a profit. How else can I put it? [holds up an apple] Let's say this apple is you. If we don't start getting our money back... [crushes the apple in his palm] Get the picture?

Gru:
[nervously] Mm-hmm.

Mr. Perkins:
Look, Gru, what I'm saying is that they're a lot of other villains out there. Younger than you. Hungrier than you. Younger than you. Like that young fella out there named Vector! He just stole a pyramid!

Gru:
[shocked, then] I got it, I got it. So, as far as getting money for the rocket?

Mr. Perkins:
Get the shrink ray. Then we'll talk.

[praying before bed]

Margo:
And please watch over us, and bless that we'll have a good night's sleep.

Edith:
And bless that while we're sleeping, no bugs will crawl into our ears and lay eggs in our brains!

Agnes:
Ugh!

Margo:
Great. Thanks for that image, Edith.

[Margo rings Vector's doorbell. His fortress's entire arsenal deploys.]

Edith:
Whoa... cool!

Agnes:
Oh, kids.

Margo:
Uh, hi! We're orphans from Ms. Hattie's Home For Girls-

Vector:
[over intercom] I don't care! Beat it!

Margo:
Come on! We're selling cookies so we can, you know, have a better future!

Vector:
Ooh, ooh, wait, wait! Um, do you have coconutties?

Margo:
Uh, yeah.

[Arsenal retracts, and the gate opens.]

[The girls are packing for excitedly]

Margo:
[takes down a poster] I bet the mom is beautiful!

Edith:
[picks up a piggy bank] I bet the daddy's eyes sparkle!

Agnes:
I bet their house is made of gummy bears! [Margo and Edith stare at her; the music slows down] I'm just saying it'd be nice. [picks up something] Aw, my caterpillar never turned into a butterfly.

Edith:
That's a Cheeto.

Agnes:
Oh. [eats it; Margo and Edith look disgusted]

Margo:
[re: Kyle] What kind of dog is that?

Gru:
He's a... I don't know.

Gru:
As you can see, I've provided everything a child might need.

[He puts down two dog bowls and a newspaper, under signs reading "Food", "Water", and "Pee-Pee & Poo-Poo"]

Gru:
Alright. Um, okay, now as I was saying... [Edith knocks down an acid-filled beaker] Hey!

Edith:
[points to the mess she made] Somebody broke that.

Gru:
[calms down] Okay, okay, clearly, we need to set some rules. Rule number one: you will not touch anything.

Margo:
Uh-huh. What about the floor?

Gru:
Yes, you may touch the floor.

Margo:
What about the air?

Gru:
Yes, you may touch the air.

Edith:
[holding one of Gru's weapons] What about this?

[Gru looks at it, lets out a startled cry, and holds up a pan for protection]

Gru:
Where did you get that?

Edith:
Found it.

Gru:
[takes the weapon from Edith's hands] Okay. Rule number two: you will not bother me while I'm working. Rule number three: you will not cry or whine or laugh or giggle or sneeze or burp or fart. So no-no-no annoying sounds. Alright?

Agnes:
Does this count as annoying?

[She puffs out her cheeks and pats them with her hands, making wet popping sounds.]

Gru:
[grabs her hands, looking very angry] VERY! [sighs irritably] I will see you in six hours. [leaves]

Margo:
Okay... don't worry, everything is going to be fine. We're gonna be really happy here! Right? [looks behind her] Agnes?

Agnes:
[eating candy out of the dog bowl] Mmmm?

[Dr. Nefario activates a set of robots that begin dancing under disco lights. Boogie Fever by The Sylvers starts playing. One of the minions, whose name is Jimmy jumps in and joins them; Gru stares in confusion]

Gru:
Uh, question. What are these?

Dr. Nefario:
[while dancing around] A dozen boogie robots! BOOGIE! [laughs] Look at this! Watch me!

Gru:
[turns off the music] Cookie robots. I said cookie robots. Why, why are you so...old?

Dr. Nefario:
Okay, I'm on it.

[A minion named Lance drinks something purple out of an Erlenmeyer flask; suddenly he starts floating upwards]

Dr. Nefario:
We've been working on this for a while. It's a... anti-gravity serum.

Lance:
[notices he is drifting towards an open window; terrified] Ooh, ooh, ooh, melomo, aah! [disappears into the sky]

Dr. Nefario:
I meant to close that. He'll be all right, I'm sure.

Gru:
Do the effects wear off?

Dr. Nefario:
Uh, so far... [looks up at ten Minions floating about on the ceiling] No. No, they don't… and here, of course, is the new weapon you ordered. [shoots a Minion named Max with the fart gun, knocking him out]

Gru:
No, no, no. I said dart gun, not– [stops and starts fanning the scent away] Okay.

Dr. Nefario:
Oh! Yes. 'Cause I was wondering... under what circumstances would we use this? But anyway... [puts the fart gun away] ...What I really wanted to show you was this. [shows Gru a dozen cookies, which are actually spider-like robots]

Gru:
[delighted] Now those are cookie robots!

Agnes:
[suddenly disturbs Gru and Nefario; singing] La, la, la... I love unicorns...

Gru:
What are you doing here? I told you to stay in the kitchen.

Margo:
We got bored. What is this place?!

Gru:
Er...

Edith:
[about the liquid in a beaker] Can I drink this?

Dr. Nefario:
[taking the beaker] Do you want to explode?! [Edith kicks Dr. Nefario in the shin and he yowls in pain] GRU!

Gru:
Get back in the kitchen!

Agnes:
Will you play with us?

Gru:
No.

Agnes:
Why?

Gru:
Because I'm busy.

Margo:
Doing what?

Gru:
Um... okay, okay, you got me. The dentist thing is more of a hobby. In real life, I am a spy. And it is top secret and you may not tell anybody! Because if you do...

Edith:
What does this do? [Edith accidentally shoots the laser gun of Agnes' unicorn toy, scorching it; once Agnes lifts it, it crumbles to dust, she gasps]

Gru:
[angry] Hey!

Edith:
Oops.

Agnes:
My unicorn! You have to fix it!

Gru:
Fix it? Look, it has been disintegrated, by definition, it cannot be fixed.

[Agnes gasps, then starts holding her breath]

Gru:
That's freaking me out. What is she doing?

Margo:
She's gonna hold her breath until she gets a new one.

Gru:
[sighs; to Agnes] It is just a toy. Now stop it.

[Agnes keeps holding her breath, then her eyes roll up and she passes out on the floor]

Gru:
Okay, okay! I'll fix it! [into microphone] Tim! Mark! Phil! [three minions immediately arrive in pneumatic tubes] This is very important. You have to get the little girl a new unicorn toy.

Tim:
Eh? Papoi? Bakanana papoi?

Mark:
No, no, no, no, no. Pa-poy. [rolls his eyes]

Tim:
Ah, Papoy! [Phil chuckles]

Gru:
Hey, hey, hey! A toy!

Tim:
Da, da, da. Papoy. [scoffs]

Gru:
Go, and hurry! [the three minions walk off]

Margo:
What are those?

Gru:
They are my... [Dr. Nefario looks at him; thinking] ...cousins. Jerry! Stuart! [two other Minions come in] Watch them and keep them away from me, please.

Margo:
Just so you know, you're never gonna be my dad.

Gru:
Hmm... I think I can live with that.

Edith:
Are these beds made out of bombs?

Gru:
Yes, but they are very old and highly unlikely to blow up. But try not to toss and turn.

Edith:
[proudly] Cool.

Agnes:
Will you read us a bedtime story?

Gru:
No.

Agnes:
But we can't go to sleep without a bedtime story.

Gru:
Well then it's going to be a long night for you, isn't it? So good night, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite. Because... there are literally thousands of them. [beats, then whispers sinisterly] Oh, and there's probably something in your closet. [closes the door and chuckles]

Margo:
He's just kidding, Agnes.

[all of a sudden, the door opens, and a tall, sinister bug-looking creature walks; Agnes covers herself in her blanket in fright; as the "bedbug" trips, we see it's actually Tim, Mark and Phil returning from their trip in the grocery; Phil walks up to Agnes and hands her a makeshift unicorn toy:
a toilet brush with googly eyes, an ice cream cone for her horn, and a Ping-Pong ball with a smiley face drawn on it for her muzzle]

Phil:
Es para tú. Papoy.

Agnes:
It's beautiful.

[She kisses Phil on the goggles; Phil's heart is filled with an unknown happy feeling as he leaves with Tim and Mark.]

Margo:
[delivering Vector his cookies, some of which are robots] 4 boxes of Mini-Mints, 2 Toffee-Totes, 2 Caramel Clumpies, and... 15 boxes of Coconutties.

Edith:
All right then.

Vector:
Exactly. I'd like to see somebody else order that many cookies. Not likely. Name one person who ordered more cookies than me.

Margo:
[unimpressed] That'll be $52.

Vector:
Right. [as Vector counts cash from his fanny pack, six cookie robots escape from the bowl] 7, 8, 9...

Agnes:
Why are you wearing pajamas?

Vector:
[scoffs] These aren't pajamas! It's a warm-up suit.

Edith:
What are you warming up for?

Vector:
Stuff.

Margo:
What sort of stuff?

Vector:
Super cool stuff you wouldn't understand.

Agnes:
Like sleeping?

Vector:
THEY ARE NOT PAJAMAS!

Margo:
[to Gru] But what about the other people who ordered cookies?

Gru:
Life is full of disappointments... for some people.

[Agnes screams and Gru swerves.]

Gru:
Don't do that!

Agnes:
[points] Super Silly Fun Land! Can we go? Please?

Gru:
No.

Edith:
But we've never been! And it's the funnest place on earth!

Gru:
Don't care.

[Gru is pressured into stopping at the amusement park; they pass by one stall]

Agnes:
[seeing something off-screen] Aah! Oh my gosh! Look at that fluffy unicorn! He's so fluffy, I'm gonna die!

Edith:
Follow me!

Margo:
[pulling Gru's palm] You gotta let us play for it.

Gru:
No, no, no. No-no-no-no.

Agnes:
C'mon!

Gru:
[in a dull and bored tone] How much for the fluffy unicorn?

Carnival Barker:
Well, it's not for sale. But all you gotta do, to win it, is knock down that little spaceship there. Ha! It's easy! [points to a small plastic spaceship, which has a scary face on it; Gru sighs and hands him a dollar. The girls play, but lose]

Agnes:
Again!

[Gru walks away]

Margo:
Wait!

Edith:
Ah, come on. One more time.

Agnes:
Just one more! I accidentally closed my eyes.

[Gru gives in and hands over another dollar. The girls play, and this time, Agnes shoots a ball that hits the ship, but doesn't knock it over. The girls cheer until the sign overhead blinks the words "STOP", then "YOU LOSE!"; Edith grieves in disappointment, and Margo looks confused]

Gru:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that? She hit that! I saw that with my own eyes!

Carnival Barker:
Hey buddy, let me explain something to you. You see that little tin spaceship? Ya see how it's not knocked over? Do you know what that means, professor? It means you don't get the unicorn! [Gru frowns] Oooh! Uh-oh, someone's got a frowny face! [to Agnes] Boo, better luck next time!

[Agnes, her lip trembling and her eyes welling up with tears, looks at Gru. Gru's blood begins to boil.]

Gru:
Okay... my turn.

[He gives the Carnival Barker another dollar and the girls step aside. Gru whips out a blaster gun, aims, and fires; the Carnival Barker ducks; there is an explosion, the spaceship turns to ash and the Carnival Barker spins dizzily.]

Gru:
Knocked over!

[The Barker hurriedly gives Agnes the unicorn.]

Agnes:
[ecstatic] It's so fluffy!

Margo:
That...was awesome.

Edith:
You blew up the whole thing!

Agnes:
Let's go destroy another game!

[Gru and his daughters have just come back from Super Silly Fun Land, laughing together, with their faces painted and laden with sweets.]

Dr. Nefario:
Gru, do you mind if I have a quick word?

Gru:
Okay, girls, go play. [the girls run off; Gru approaches Dr. Nefario; in a sing-song voice] I got the shrink ray!

[Dr. Nefario doesn't respond]

Gru:
Cotton candy!

Dr. Nefario:
We have twelve days until the moon is in optimum position. We can't afford any distractions!

[Pause]

Gru:
[normal voice] Get me Perkins.

[Gru turns on the TV which shows Mr. Perkins]

Gru:
Sorry to bother you Mr. Perkins, but I figured that you would want to see this! [shows the shrink ray] Huh? [Jerry manages to get off the couch, but Kevin, who is still sitting on it, is shrunk]

Mr. Perkins:
Well done, Gru. Rather impressive.

Gru:
Now, the rest of the plan is simple. [shows a picture] I fly to the moon... [shows another picture] ...I shrink the moon... [shows another picture] ...I grab the moon... [shows a poorly drawn picture, signed by Edith] I sit on the toilet... Wait, what?! [the girls laugh; nervous] Sorry. Sorry! Could you, uh... excuse me for just one second? [to the girls; whisper-yells] I told you not to touch my things, I told you, I told you, I told you a thousand times!

Margo:
[not paying attention] Uh-huh. Hey, can we order pizza?

Edith:
All right then.

Gru:
[picks up Agnes and puts her back] Pizza? You just had lunch!

Edith:
Not now, for dinner.

Gru:
Dinner?! Just fine, fine, fine, whatever! Just get back in there.

Margo:
Oh, uh, can we get stuffed crust?

[Gru suddenly stops with an irate look on his face]

Edith, Agnes, Stuart and Jerry:
Ooh, stuffed crust!

Gru:
I'll stuff you all in the crust!

Agnes:
[giggles] You're funny!

Gru:
Just don't come out of that room again! [closes the door; to Mr. Perkins] Alright. Sorry about that. Where were we?

Mr. Perkins:
You were sitting on the toilet.

Gru:
No, no, no. I'm sorry. That was a little attempt to humor. I know how much you like to laugh... [Mr. Perkins looks at him angrily] ...inside. Now I was saying... [notices the door was open]

Mr. Perkins:
You don't seem terribly focused, Gru.

Gru:
Believe me, I am completely focused. I-

Edith:
Hello? Whoa! That guy is huge!

Agnes:
Are we on TV?

Mr. Perkins:
What are those? Children?!

Gru:
[furious] What are you doing?! I told you to stay out of here! [chases the girls out of the room, then backpedals when Edith and Agnes aim the freeze ray at him] No, no, no!

Edith:
Freeze ray!

Mr. Perkins:
Mr. Gru?

Gru:
[makes karate sounds, but arrives with a frozen body, with the exception of his head, arms, and buttocks] As I was saying...

Mr. Perkins:
No need to continue, I've seen quite enough.

Gru:
But my plan--

Mr. Perkins:
Is a great plan, I love everything about your plan, except for one thing: you.

[Gru remembers some of his memories]

Young Gru:
Look, Mom! I drew a picture of me landing on the moon!

Gru's Mom:
[looks at Gru's picture, but turns back] Ehh.

Young Gru:
Look, Mom! I made a prototype of the rocket out of macaroni!

Gru's Mom:
[looks at he macaroni prototype, but regrets] Ehh.

Young Gru:
[excitedly] Look, Mom! I made the real rocket, based on the macaroni prototype! [presses a button and sends the rocket into space]

Gru's Mom:
[looks at Gru's rocket as it flies off] Ooo... [looks back at Gru] Ehh.

Gru:
[Reality hits him; he falls down and breaks the ice encasing him; confused] I... don't understand.

Mr. Perkins:
Let's face reality, Gru. You've been at this for far too long, with far too little success. We're gonna put our faith, our money, into a...well, a younger villain.

Gru:
But I--

Mr. Perkins:
It's over. Goodbye, Gru. [crushes his apple and the TV turns off]

Vector:
Hey, Dad. You wanted to see me?

Mr. Perkins:
Yes, I did, Victor.

Vector:
I am not Victor anymore. Victor was my nerd name. Now I am Vector!

Mr. Perkins:
Sit down! [Vector immediately sits down.] Do you know where the shrink ray is?

Vector:
Duh! Back at my place.

Mr. Perkins:
Oh, is that right? Back at your place? Oh, that's cool. I guess Gru must just... [shows Vector the image on his laptop] have one that looks exactly like it!

Vector:
What the...? Those girls sold me cookies!

Mr. Perkins:
Do you have any idea how lucrative this moon heist could be?! I give you the opportunity of a lifetime and you just blow it!

Vector:
No, I haven't!

Mr. Perkins:
Oh, really?

Vector:
Just wait till Gru sees my newest invention: squid launcher! Oh yeah! [fires a squid into the lobby]

Man:
Aah! There's a squid on my face!

Vector:
Don't worry the Moon is as good as ours!

Gru:
[trying to put the girls in bed] Come on now. It's bed time. [to Agnes] Did you brush your teeth? [Agnes nods] Let me smell, Let me smell... [Agnes opens her mouth; sniffs, but nearly gags] You did not! [Edith suddenly lands on him] Put on your PJs. Hold still. Okay, seriously! Seriously! This is beddie-bye time, right now. I'm not kidding around. I mean it!

Edith:
But we're not tired!

Gru:
Well, I am tired!

Agnes:
[holding the book Sleepy Kittens] Will you read us a bedtime story?

[silence]

Gru:
[in a deep voice] No. [attempts to leave the room]

Agnes:
Pretty please?

Gru:
The physical appearance of the please makes no difference. It is still no, so go to sleep.

Edith:
But we can't! We're all hyper!

Margo:
And without a bedtime story, we'll just keep getting up and bugging you... All night long.

[pause]

Gru:
[sighs; giving in] Fine.

Margo:
He's not going to kiss us goodnight, Agnes. [turns off her light]

Agnes:
I like him. He's nice.

Edith:
But scary. [turns off her light]

Agnes:
...Like Santa! [turns off her light]

Gru:
[approaches Vector's base and starts pounding on the front gate] Vector! Open up!

Vector:
[A huge TV monitor appears in front of Gru, revealing Vector's face] First give me the moon, then we'll talk.

[Gru realizes there's nothing left to do and pulls out the shrunken moon out of one of his pocket. A small tube appears out next to the main gate. Gru puts the moon in the tube which then closes automatically. The girls are trapped in a giant glass ball, Agnes calls out]

Agnes:
Mr. Gru!

Vector:
Zip it, happy meal!

Gru:
Now, the girls.

Vector:
Actually, I think I'll hold onto them a little while longer.

Gru:
No!

Vector:
Oh, yeah! Unpredictable! [the monitor retracts]

Gru:
[leans into the camera lens] Listen close, you little punk! When I get in there, you are in for a world of pain!

Vector:
[laughs, sarcastically] Ooh, I'm really scared!

[Gru punches the camera screen, making Vector jump and fumble not to drop the moon.]

Agnes:
[smugly] He is gonna kick your butt.

[The girls screaming, escape Vector's escape pod through the hatch opened by Gru's grappling hook and see Gru waiting to catch them]

Margo:
Mr. Gru, up here!

Edith and Agnes:
Mr. Gru!

Gru:
Okay, girls, girls, you're going to have to jump!

Edith:
Jump?! Are you insane?!

Gru:
Don't worry! I will catch you!

[pause]

Margo:
You gave us back.

Gru:
I know, I know! And it is the worst mistake I ever made! But you have to jump now!

Margo:
[realizing that Gru will always be there for them; to her younger siblings] It'll be okay.

[the girls go down carefully with Margo still hanging on the ship]

Gru:
Okay, girls.

[Agnes lets go off Margo's hand and holds Edith's]

Margo:
Jump now!

[Edith and Agnes scream while jumping, Gru catches them; Margo, however, still feels unsure]

Gru:
Margo, I will catch you! And I will never let you go again!

[Margo sees Gru waiting to catch her, but as she jumps, Vector snatches her back]

Vector:
Not so fast!

Gru:
No!

Margo:
[struggling] Let me go!

[As Vector is about to fire the piranha gun, the moon suddenly pushes him and Margo from behind]

Gru:
Margo!

Margo:
[grabbing the cable] Woah!

Gru:
[while trying to keep balance] I'm coming, Margo. Hang on!

[the change of altitude makes it difficult for Gru to keep balance. Also, the growing moon aggravates the Minions' grip of the hook, causing it to rip off and Gru and Margo scream while falling down, when all of a sudden, the Minions save them just in time]

Gru:
I got you!

Gru:
Okay, girls, time for bed.

Edith:
Ah, come on, we want a story.

Agnes:
[excited] Three Sleepy Kittens!

Gru:
Oh no, sorry, that book was accidentally destroyed maliciously.

[Kyle snorts]

Gru:
Tonight, we are going to read a new book. [shows his homemade book to the girls] This one is called, "One Big Unicorn" by... Who wrote it? Oh, me! I wrote it! [opens the book] Oh, look, it's a puppet book. Hey, watch this. [sticks his nose through a small hole] That's the horn.

[the girls laugh along with Gru]

Agnes:
This is gonna be the best book ever.

Gru:
Not to pat myself on the back, but yes, it probably will be. [opens the book] Here we go. "One big unicorn, strong and free, thought he was happy as he could be. Until 3 little kittens came around and turned his whole life upside down."

Edith:
[points to the page] Hey, that one looks like me!

Gru:
[pulls back the book] No, what are you talking about? These are kittens. Any relation to persons living or dead is completely coincidental. [continues reading] "They made him laugh... [laughs] ...They made him cry." [sighs] "He never should have said goodbye. And now he knows he could never part, from those 3 little kittens that changed his hearts." [beats] The End. [closes the book] Okay, alright, good night.

[Gru starts to leave the girls' bedroom, but comes back and kisses Agnes and then Edith on the forehead; he bends over to kiss Margo, but she jumps up and throws her arms around his neck]

Margo:
I love you.

Gru:
[hugging her back; whispering] I love you too.

ME:
Mom I stole da moon. Mom: REALLY!

Me:
No. Duh....

Dr. Nefario:
Oh, here is the new weapon you ordered [fires cloud of foul-smelling gas at minion, making a flatulent noise and knocking the minion out]

Gru:
No, I said dart gun, not— [wafts stench away from face] Ooh! Okay…

Edith:
Are these beds made out of bombs?

Gru:
Yes, but they are very old and highly unlikely to blow up... but try not to toss and turn.

Edith:
Cool.

[Gru turns on the TV which shows Mr. Perkins]

Gru:
Sorry to bother you Mr. Perkins, but I figured that you would want to see this! [shows the shrink ray] Huh? [Jerry manages to get off the couch, but Kevin, who is still sitting on it, is shrunk]

Mr. Perkins:
Well done, Gru. Rather impressive.

Gru:
Now, the rest of the plan is simple. [shows a picture] I fly to the moon... [shows another picture] ...I shrink the moon... [shows another picture] ...I grab the moon... [shows a poorly drawn picture, signed by Edith] I sit on the toilet... Wait, what?! [the girls laugh; nervous]

Margo:
Hey, can we order pizza?

Edith:
All right then.

Gru:
[picks up Agnes and puts her back] Pizza? You just had lunch!

Edith:
Not now, for dinner.

Gru:
Dinner?! Just fine, fine, fine, whatever! Just get back in there.

Margo:
Oh, uh, can we get stuffed crust?

[Gru suddenly stops with an irate look on his face]

Edith, Agnes, Stuart and Jerry:
Ooh, stuffed crust!

Gru:
I'll stuff you all in the crust!

Agnes:
[giggles] You're funny!

Gru:
Just don't come out of that room again! [closes the door; to Mr. Perkins] Alright. Sorry about that. Where were we?

Mr. Perkins:
You were sitting on the toilet.

Agnes:
I like him. He's nice.

Edith:
But scary. [turns off her light]

Agnes:
...Like Santa! [turns off her light]

[watching the girls' dance recital]

Gru:
They're very good.

Marlena:
Ah, I'm so proud of you, son. You turned out to be a great parent. Just like me. [Gru rolls his eyes] Maybe even better. [Gru smiles]

Gru:
We have located a shrink ray in a secret lab, and once we take this shrink ray, we will have the capability to pull off the true crime of the century! We... are going... to steal... [all the minions pull out weapons] Wait, wait! I haven't told you what it is yet! [Dave the minion fires a missile that scatters another group of minions] Hey! Dave, listen up, please! [one of the singed minions punches Dave] Next, we are going to steal... [long pause] pause for effect… [opens skylight] ...THE MOON!

Vector:
[to Gru] I'm applying for a new villain loan, go by the name of... Vector! [no response] That's a mathematical term, represented by an arrow, composed of both direction and magnitude! [no response] Vector! That's me! Because I'm committing crimes, with both direction and magnitude! OH YEAH!

Vector:
[to Gru] Check this out! Piranha gun! Oh yes! Fires live piranha. Have you ever seen one before? No! That's because I invented it.

Mr. Perkins:
[Gru is applying for a loan] Let’s say this apple is you. If we don’t start getting our money back… [viciously crushes the apple] get the picture? [Gru gulps nervously]

Agnes:
Aah! Oh my gosh! Look at that fluffy unicorn! He's so fluffy, I'm gonna die!

Agnes:
Super Silly Funland! Can we go? Please? Gru: No. Edith: But we never been. And it's the funniest place on earth. Gru: Don't care. All Girls: Please? Please? We'll never ask for anything ever again! Please? Pretty please? Come on! Come on! Gru: Light bulb.

Vector:
[grabs Margo] Not so fast!

Gru:
[to Vector] No!

Margo:
Let me go!

[Vector laughs as he tries to shoot Gru but gets hurt by the moon]