Dragons' Den

Kevin O'Leary:
Stop the madness!

Kevin O'Leary:
You know I gotta tell ya right now what a horribly bad idea this is. It's going to have to be for free 'cause I don't think anybody's going to buy it, and then you'll never make any money, then you'll go off in the forest an slit your wrists and the whole story's over. But, go on.

Kevin O'Leary:
The brand means nothing yet, and yet you want a million dollar valuation for your company. Do you take drugs, yes or no?

Kevin O'Leary:
I'm out with extreme prejudice.

Kevin O'Leary:
[about the rock urn] If David Bowie dies and you can get a piece of him in a bunch of these, okay, I'm a buyer. Dig up Marilyn Monroe, you cook her, you put her in these, I'm there.

Brett Wilson:
They're not gonna do that.

Kevin O'Leary:
That's the problem.

Robert Herjavec:
I find it incredulous that you would come up here and not know some basic information about your own business. You gotta take responsibility for that. If you don't help yourself, who's going to help you? Why would I help you if you're not even gonna make the effort to help yourself?

Kevin O'Leary:
I love the environment but if it costs me one extra cent, forget it.

Kevin O'Leary:
You want me to invest in a business where you take people out of a business and put them to sleep?

Kevin O'Leary:
There's a phrase that brings terror into my heart and it's this: "Hi, I'm from the government and I'm here to help you".

Entrepreneur:
[about her kegel exercise product] If women are happy, men are happy. Is that not right? [Jennifer laughs] And as men, you don't have the parts to understand or to know how that works. Sorry.

Laurence Lewin:
One or two of these guys have worked with these parts in the past. Even though they don't own them, they have become tenants to those parts.

Laurence Lewin:
What percentage?

Entrepreneur:
8.

Laurence Lewin:
I don't like that to start with.

Kevin O'Leary:
So, you have any sales?

Entrepreneur:
Nope.

Jennifer Wood:
[about Bikini Weenies] Let me give you one piece of advice as a businesswoman: if you're in business and you're looking for business people to invest in you, be professional. If you want sex to sell your product, bring a model. If you want to be taken seriously, then you have to act seriously.

Kevin O'Leary:
You have let the dark forces of greed cloud your minds.

Kevin O'Leary:
So Rick, what happens if you get run over by a bus? Who else knows how to do this?

Rick - Entrepreneur:
That's why I'm here today.

Kevin O'Leary:
To get run over by a bus?

Rick - Entrepreneur:
To sell the patent outright, we'd be looking at a sizable amount of money.

Robert Herjavec:
$400,000?

Rick - Entrepreneur:
$10 million.

Kevin O'Leary:
Ichiwawa caramba!

Kevin O'Leary:
[about the Goatee Guide] Can you imagine the tragedy of a goatee that is not parallel? That can actually lead to divorce and insanity!

Kevin O'Leary:
[about the "better zipper"] Were you sitting around, drugs were involved, when you came up with this?

Jim Treliving:
It's not gonna fly!

Laurence Lewin:
[about the adult & baby toilet seat] I'm going to be brutally frank, I think you have to put a lid on this product 'cause I think it's pretty crappy.

Kevin O'Leary:
Okay listen, I can't take it anymore, John. I want you to go home and burn all that stuff, because it'll add value - it will create warmth.

Robert Herjavec:
Nah, that is pretty mean.

Kevin O'Leary:
It's not mean! You're killing yourself, you're wasting your time!

Robert Herjavec:
John, I gotta tell you, the real value of your business is Peggy, that she stuck with you for 10 years. [the entrepreneurs leave]

Robert Herjavec:
You know why you're wrong?

Kevin O'Leary:
Why?

Robert Herjavec:
Because there's a nice way to say something to somebody, and there's a shitty way to say something to somebody.

Kevin O'Leary:
The right thing to do with that guy was to tell him the truth. He needs the cold, hard truth after 11 years. Somebody's gotta go over there and smack him in the head and say "stop"! He's wasting his money and his time, and maybe his marriage.

Kevin O'Leary:
I've seen this movie before and it's called Godzilla Meets Bambi. It is so hard to get any market share in the cosmetics gazillion dollar business. I just see the big foot and I see road pizza, and it's you. You're walking dead. I don't want to discourage you or anything.

Shawn - Entrepreneur:
By the way just so you know, all the business partners in the company have been in wrestling.

Robert Herjavec:
Marty's been in wrestling?

Marty Goldstein - Entrepreneur:
Unfortunately, yes. I wrestled for a few years.

Robert Herjavec:
What was your stage name, Marty?

Marty Goldstein - Entrepreneur:
I was Doctor Marty Goldstein. [the Dragons crack up]

Robert Herjavec:
The mad Jewish wrestler?

Marty Goldstein - Entrepreneur:
Oh no, just angry.

Kevin O'Leary:
How much money can I make as an investor with Tilly?

Mark - Entrepreneur:
Somewhere in the area of $6,000.

Kevin O'Leary:
$6,000 a year? That's dog sh*t!

Robert Herjavec:
Jim, I'm gonna say something I thought I would never say on the show: we haven't heard a lot from Kevin.

Kevin O'Leary:
Embrace the "no", understand the "no", become one with "no", 'cause that's what you got here.

Kevin O'Leary:
Ken listen, I got an idea. I don't want to invest in your deal but I wanna buy this set for my cottage. Let's start the bidding at 100 bucks. I'll give you 100 bucks for all this.

Ken - Entrepreneur:
Aw, jeez.

Robert Herjavec:
Ken, I'll give you 105 bucks for all the fishing rods and the bucket right now.

Kevin O'Leary:
All right, I'll give you 150 - I want the whole thing. I want the carrying case, I want the garbage can.

Kevin O'Leary:
Have you ever sold one of them?

Lewis - Entrepreneur:
I have for $30.

Kevin O'Leary:
I'll give you $50. You want to sell a second one? Then I'll take it home, I'll try it out on some kids, and then I'll decide if it doesn't suck. I mean, that's the question. Come here, sell me one!

Lewis - Entrepreneur:
Then I'm left with nothing.

Kevin O'Leary:
Give me the unit. Look, I'm paying more than anybody ever paid for one!

Lewis - Entrepreneur:
You're a busy person, my friend.

Kevin O'Leary:
Really?

Lewis - Entrepreneur:
That's right. What makes me believe that you're gonna take this product...

Kevin O'Leary:
I would never give you $50 if I wasn't gonna use it. *Never* would I give you 50!

Robert Herjavec:
Lewis, he's the cheapest guy in the world.

Lewis - Entrepreneur:
Okay, give me 100 and you can take it.

Kevin O'Leary:
No. Outrageous! That's crazy.

Lewis - Entrepreneur:
I'm selling it for $79. You're only paying $21 extra.

Kevin O'Leary:
The only way I would do that is I'll pay 100 for 2, then I'll mark it up and sell it for a higher price to Robert.

Arlene Dickinson:
Lewis, don't do it. I love that you're standing up and telling Kevin that you're not gonna sell it.

Lewis - Entrepreneur:
I came here today to make a deal.

Kevin O'Leary:
But Lewis, I don't know if suck factor 6 is involved here. Lewis, honey, sweetie, poopsie, you gonna sell me one or not?

Kevin O'Leary:
Oh, look! I have a note: "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm out because this idea is poo poo"!

Uncle D - Entrepreneur:
I am Uncle D, The Canadian Assman. I travel the world photographing ass for a living.

Kevin O'Leary:
Ass?

Uncle D - Entrepreneur:
Ass. Booty.

Kevin O'Leary:
What are the margins of ass?

Uncle D - Entrepreneur:
In what sense?

Kevin O'Leary:
Well, how much money can I make on ass?

Kevin O'Leary:
[about Swing Ball] The game sucks. Like, sitting there in a chair by yourself knocking down salt-shakers, it sucks. I think the pursuit of wealth is a very noble, white light experience. This is evil. This is you wasting your time with a salt-shaker and a ball on a string. It's dark and sinister, and you should end it now.

Michael - Entrepreneur:
Nestle Canada or any other beverage company, they don't own springs. They lease water off people like myself. Leasing this to a company, the going rate is 5 cents per gallon. The spring, it produces $200,000 gallons of water per day. 5 cents per gallon will bring $365 million per year.

Robert Herjavec:
But show me an order from one that you've talked to that said, "Love your water, Michael. Here's my order".

Michael - Entrepreneur:
I haven't approached a larger company...

Robert Herjavec:
You're telling me this is a good business but you don't really know.

Michael - Entrepreneur:
I do know.

Robert Herjavec:
But if you know, show me the order.

Michael - Entrepreneur:
The reason why is because I... I'm a young person. I may not have the prestige or expertise as...

Robert Herjavec:
Michael, you know what, I gotta tell ya that is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. Everybody in my whole life said that to me. I was 22 years old and sold a $100k system to General Electric. And people said, "Oh, they're never gonna buy from you, you can't call 'em up". You know what I did? I picked up the phone, I called the receptionist, and I got a meeting. Pick up the phone, call one, get an order, and then ask for money.

Michael - Entrepreneur:
I recognize the value of your network, and your network is a very strong network.

Kevin O'Leary:
Everybody comes in here and says that.

Robert Herjavec:
You know, Michael, let me tell you another thing. So, you know I'm an immigrant to this country, I had nothing...

Laurence Lewin:
Oh my god...

Robert Herjavec:
Here we go, I'm not gonna cry! You know what, it's funny to you but this is serious to him. I mean, he's invested his family and everything and I gotta tell you, just a piece of advice: people always tell you "it's about who you know" and "it's about your connections" and granted, if you have that it's easier, but it's also a load of crap. All it means is you gotta work harder than somebody with a privileged life like O'Leary who knows everybody. You just gotta work harder.

Kevin O'Leary:
You built your own user interface? [Robert groans at the thought]

Entrepreneur:
Yes.

Kevin O'Leary:
You know I gotta tell ya right now what a horribly bad idea this is. It's going to have to be for free 'cause I don't think anybody's going to buy it, and then you'll never make any money, then you'll go off in the forest an slit your wrists and the whole story's over. But, go on.

Ron - Entrepreneur:
We haven't even talked numbers yet.

Jim Treliving:
But what's the cost of this?

Ron - Entrepreneur:
The cost per unit is $5.75...

Kevin O'Leary:
YES! YES! YES!

Ron - Entrepreneur:
But when you reuse it 100 times, that 5.75 becomes...

Kevin O'Leary:
But you have to use gasoline to bring it back. You have to drive it back, you have to wash it with hot water, you have to use phosphates to wash it. It's *madness* what you're proposing. It's crazy! Absolutely *crazy*!

Ron - Entrepreneur:
One thing that you could consider is a separate industry that washes these. They can go around to the pizza stores, they could actually retrieve them...

Kevin O'Leary:
Earth to Ron, Earth to Ron, come in Ron.

Kevin O'Leary:
The question is does it go into the Hall of Fame as the worst idea you've ever seen.

Arlene Dickinson:
Yes, it might.

Robert Herjavec:
So Robert, you've taken a dollhouse and put it on a litter box. [Arlene chuckles] Tell me how you valued the business at $1 million today.

Kevin O'Leary:
[about the dog book] But the problem is Wrinkles is gonna be dead in like 8 years. We gotta have a backup Wrinkles in case he bites it. He'll be snuff city in 8 years.

Robert Herjavec:
Is this the highest valuation to crap on the show?

Kevin O'Leary:
You mean the value-to-crap ratio?

Kevin O'Leary:
What are your sales?

Entrepreneur:
100.

Robert Herjavec:
100,000?

Entrepreneur:
No, 100.

Rudy - Entrepreneur:
My system is documented to be able to actually win you the lottery.

Robert Herjavec:
Your next sentence coming out of your mouth is gonna be, "And, I've won the lottery!".

Rudy - Entrepreneur:
Exactly.

Robert Herjavec:
Oh, you have?

Rudy - Entrepreneur:
Uh, no.

Robert Herjavec:
There's an old Yiddish saying which is, "The way it begins is usually the way it ends."

Kevin O'Leary:
I also have an old Yiddish saying: "The board game business is a crap business."

Entrepreneur:
[throws stuffed cat at Kevin] First time he's speechless. What's the matter, cat got your tongue?

Kevin O'Leary:
No, not at all. I can't wait to rip into you.

Brett Wilson:
[playing a board game] Is this gonna take long?

Entrepreneur:
Nope.

Brett Wilson:
Good. I hope.

Kevin O'Leary:
Let me tell ya, this is thrilling.

Kevin O'Leary:
You know, people say I'm the mean one but it's so unfair a characterization. The truth is I'm Mr. Wonderful and here's why: I'm pre-programmed to only speak the truth. I can't lie to anybody. It's impossible for me to tell them something that is erroneous. And so being forced this way from birth to only tell the truth makes my answers honest and pure. I'm the white light versus the dark and sinister way of trying to keep people encouraged without giving them money, which I find my other Dragons often do. There's nothing more sinister and dark than encouraging a really stupid idea.

Jim Treliving:
I'll tell ya how to get into Horton's or any of these guys: hire a great looking young lady and show her how to do this, take her over to Tim Horton's and I guarantee you any of the executives will take you in, show some of these and they'll buy some from you.

Arlene Dickinson:
Now that is some really great advice...

Jim Treliving:
And that's not sexist or whatever bullshit you wanna talk about, it's not sexist! If you send out a fart bag guy then you're not gonna sell anything. Will you be quiet for a minute?

Kevin O'Leary:
[to a crying entrepreneur] Money and tears don't mix. Get over it. Life's hard, money doesn't care. Your tears don't add any value.

Kevin O'Leary:
1.4 million after 5 years, you might as well slit your wrists. You gotta think much bigger. I'd rather go outside and stick needles in my eyes and let a truck run over me 'cause that's just not worth it. Forget this whole idea.

Brett Wilson:
[about the Amphibicraft] You've kinda taken neat things from a number of different areas - quads, motorcycles, off-road vehicles, boats, airplanes - and combined them and left yourself with nothing.

Jim Treliving:
If you're seeing this in the lake, you can go back for more drinks.

Kevin O'Leary:
Let me ask you something, 'cause I didn't want your niece around hearing when I was gonna ask you this. You think I'm an idiot? That I would give $2 million for this? It's basically a dog harness on a child. Why in the world do you think an investor would give you anything like a valuation like that? You know, I gotta be honest with you, it's an insult. It just makes me mad that you think I'm so stupid that I would give you a $2 million valuation for this. I'm not an idiot! It doesn't work even!

[while an entrepreneur walks out]

Kevin O'Leary:
I hate it when they bring the kids. They can't deal with reality.

Jim Treliving:
What a dumb idea.

Kevin O'Leary:
[about the Pristine Cart cleaner] Sergio, here's what has to happen: You've gotta put Pristine in a room with you alone, get a bottle of wine, give her a glass, you get one too, break up. It's so hard to do, but it's important. And when it's over, beat her flat with a hammer and bury her, and then never ever think of her again. She was really bad for you.

Arlene Dickinson:
It's a "he" because it's stubborn. It keeps coming back, it's staying around.

Kevin O'Leary:
It's a "she" 'cause she's stealing all his money! She's an evil witch, that Pristine.

Brett Wilson:
Out of the long, dark, cold winters of Saskatchewan have come some amazing inventions and ideas. This is not one of them. I'm out.

Entrepreneur:
Would you guys like one?

Kevin O'Leary:
Next!

Kevin O'Leary:
I'm still at the "why do I need that" mode. What benefit does this possibly provide me as opposed to just having the recycle bins neatly stacked in a row in my garage? Help me get there because I am totally confused and in much pain.

Alex - Entrepreneur:
The idea for this product came to me as I was putting the garbage out one night in the middle of the winter.

Kevin O'Leary:
Had you had a lot of cheese that night?

Alex - Entrepreneur:
No, I'm not heavy on cheese.

Kevin O'Leary:
Okay, 'cause sometimes that can cause a lot of wild dreams.

Alex - Entrepreneur:
I would like to show you one more safety aspect before we get on with the other things. If you're out there pushing and something happens, a mishap like it happened with me, this thing here...

[intentionally trips so his contraption keeps him up]

Alex - Entrepreneur:
It becomes an instant walker, so you're not going to fall down, you're not going to hurt yourself.

Brett Wilson:
Why don't you jump to the other features 'cause that one's not a big one for me.

Jim Treliving:
Alex, if you fell down like that you'd take all your teeth out.

Kevin O'Leary:
But that's the special bonus feature!

Robert Herjavec:
Alex, have you spent any of your own money on this?

Alex - Entrepreneur:
Yes I have.

Robert Herjavec:
How much?

Alex - Entrepreneur:
Up to now about $40,000.

Kevin O'Leary, Robert Herjavec:
Stop.

Alex - Entrepreneur:
Now, can I show you one more feature...

Brett Wilson:
No.

Kevin O'Leary:
Please stop. Please. Alex, I have bad news for you. In about 4 seconds I have to start invoicing you for my time because this is such a crappy idea. Literally one of the worst I've ever seen on wheels. It's useless! Nobody's gonna want this and you should stop spending your money on it. I am so out, I'm out with extreme prejudice. And other Dragons, I have to invoice you if you keep this going.

Kevin O'Leary:
So, I wake up feeling negative, I put on the positron shirt, I drink the positron shake, I step out into my car, get into a car accident and say, "Ahh, I feel great".

Kevin O'Leary:
[about Ralph's Ghostbusters-esque Paint Well] Ralph, this is a vast improvement over past presentations.

Ralph - Entrepreneur:
Well, I don't think so because... [Brett and Arlene start cracking up]... my stuff is good.

Kevin O'Leary:
No no, really. I mean, you know, first of all, stylistically it's terrific.

Ralph - Entrepreneur:
Okay, I did work on that a little bit.

Kevin O'Leary:
I'm just saying, the bottles on the back are a certain je ne sais quoi.

Ralph - Entrepreneur:
I don't know if this has ever happened to you - falling asleep while driving.

Robert Herjavec:
Oh, I hate when that happens! I'm going down the street 200 kph and I fall asleep.

Ralph - Entrepreneur:
Okay, my dog was asleep on my lap and he was snoring away... [the Dragons crack up]

Arlene Dickinson:
While you were driving?

Ralph - Entrepreneur:
Well, the dog woke me up.

Jim Treliving:
The dog woke him up as he's driving! How did he wake you up?

Ralph - Entrepreneur:
He fell off my lap when my car went up 45 degrees. [the Dragons uproar with laughter]

Jim Treliving:
That would wake me up too!

Kevin O'Leary:
Why do guys come in here - and I'm saying this generically, not just yelling at you, I'm yelling at all of you - and come up with such STUPID valuations. You think we're IDIOTS here? That we're gonna give you our dough on some crazy multiple; why would I ever do that? Why would I take *real* money and give it to you to burn it like that? Think about that for a second. Why? What's in it for *me*? What, I'm an idiot I'm gonna pay 20 times your business isn't growing, you think I'm crazy? You know, if you worked for me I'd fire you, but you don't work for me so I can't fire you. Now I'm mad.

Deborah - Entrepreneur:
[about her platonic traveling business] I'm an accountant, I'm not a sales person. I wanna target or hire a consultant firm to be able to target these websites.

Kevin O'Leary:
You don't need to hire a consultant - you just found him. You need action. That's what's gotta change. This is a social networking site that pairs two people that are single that want to go to Greece, and you know what they want.

Deborah - Entrepreneur:
No!

Kevin O'Leary:
I'll tell you what they want: they'll pay for action!

Deborah - Entrepreneur:
The single people looking to travel would see that they could potentially find a travel acquaintance, with no strings attached! They wanna travel...

Kevin O'Leary:
They want strings!

Deborah - Entrepreneur:
They don't want strings!

Kevin O'Leary:
They're single, they want action! They'll pay a fortune for it!

Deborah - Entrepreneur:
Not all of them want action! Maybe there's a single woman that wants to find another single woman to travel with.

Kevin O'Leary:
Who said? Apparently not on your site; you don't have any sales! I am a merchant of truth for you, thank goodness we met. Now listen, maybe you find that distasteful...

Deborah - Entrepreneur:
I do.

Kevin O'Leary:
But your business model doesn't make any money and I find that very distasteful. Very, very distasteful.

Robert Herjavec:
Claire, you should get a job with one of my competitors doing sales for them 'cause they would go bankrupt so fast.

Randy - Entrepreneur:
[about their board game "Wheel of Life"] Based on the ancient teachings of all the cultures in the world. What it entails is living your life in balance.

Howard - Entrepreneur:
And you gain the balance of your spiritual, mental, physical, and...

Randy - Entrepreneur:
And emotional.

Kevin O'Leary:
What about financial?

Kevin O'Leary:
[after Jeffrey unveils the Aurora Castle model] Wow. Is it on fire?

Jim Treliving:
It should be.

Jeffrey - Entrepreneur:
[about his Aurora Castle] It's all cylindrical, it's actually 365 degrees. And by the way, there are no roller coasters here, but much much more than that!

Robert Herjavec:
Such as?

Jeffrey - Entrepreneur:
Good question!

Robert Herjavec:
Thank you.

Jeffrey - Entrepreneur:
I'll follow you up in a moment.

Robert Herjavec:
'kay.

[glances at Arlene who's holding back laughter]

Jeffrey - Entrepreneur:
I wanna know your feelings, your emotions about what is here...

Robert Herjavec:
What's behind the sign, Jeffrey? Maybe that'll help.

Jeffrey - Entrepreneur:
Okay, okay, I- I... you're right. Can I just speak for a moment? That's a good question.

Robert Herjavec:
Thank you, Jeffrey.

Jim Treliving:
Three good questions in a row.

Jeffrey - Entrepreneur:
Anyone that comes in contact with this building always says, "When? Where? How?"...

Arlene Dickinson:
Nobody says, "Why"?

Arlene Dickinson:
It's a spaceship!

Jeffrey - Entrepreneur:
Exactly, but it's even more than a spaceship because it's a building that's actually permanent on the ground.

Randy - Entrepreneur:
You know what, don't sit here and lecture us about truth when you know nothing about truth. Your reputation is rude and arrogant, you don't listen to anybody...

Kevin O'Leary:
Come into my kitchen, buddy, you gotta take the heat!

Kevin O'Leary:
[in the middle of her pitch] Have you sold any of these?

Entrepreneur:
I have.

Kevin O'Leary:
How many?

Entrepreneur:
Just a sec. Can I finish?

Kevin O'Leary:
No.

Kevin O'Leary:
You know, you have to pay a price for going to zero. You realize that, right?

Steven - Entrepreneur:
I did pay a price for that.

Kevin O'Leary:
What, you lost your wife?

Steven - Entrepreneur:
And a lot of money.

Kevin O'Leary:
That's more important.

Entrepreneur:
With 800k you're going to make 1 million 300 which means you'll have a profit of 500k.

Kevin O'Leary:
And how fast will it take me to get that?

Entrepreneur:
Hmm. Couple weeks. [Robert and Kevin look up in shock] No no no, I mean...

Kevin O'Leary:
Gee, you sell cocaine too!

Kevin O'Leary:
I'm missing the part where I make money, the only thing that matters is the part where I make money, and there is no part where I make money. You sucked, I gotta tell you that. You absolutely sucked.

Kevin O'Leary:
So you're gonna dig a hole in front of everybody's house and I'm going to give you $2 million to do that?

Entrepreneur:
Correct. [Robert, Kevin and Arlene crack up]

Robert Herjavec:
I love when it's simple!

Kevin O'Leary:
Mike, tell the truth: ever spent any time in the slammer?

Mike - Entrepreneur:
No.

Kevin O'Leary:
A heinous crime has besought you now. You've wasted my time, there are two officers waiting for you, you are going to prison. I'm out.

Brett Wilson:
[about Hide-a-Can] I think you have a serious product liability issue here in terms of kids playing in these things, getting trapped, caught.

Kevin O'Leary:
You mean killing the children as the thing clamps down on them? That's not a problem.

Brett Wilson:
Well, I thought they'd just get caught in there. I had forgotten about the lid falling on them. I missed that one.

Kevin O'Leary:
Well, would it sever arms? How powerful is it?

Kevin O'Leary:
[reading from a car dashboard sticker product] "Be Alert. Don't be a killer," with a baby girl crying over her father's gravestone, I wanna see that in the morning?

Kevin O'Leary:
Have you sold any of these to anybody?

Robert Herjavec:
Of course not.

Karen Parhar:
No, but I did a market survey research and 10 to 15% of people said that they'd buy it for themselves, 20 to 25% they would, said they would, uh, consider...

Kevin O'Leary:
What, are these guys you've been dating?

Entrepreneur:
The 9 to 5 bra is a bra that's designed to cover your cleavage. Most men when I explain this, they look at me and they say, "Are you crazy?"

Kevin O'Leary:
Let me be first to say you're insane.

Brett Wilson:
What's your musical training, your arts training, your theater training, your TV training, your film training, your business training?

Jock - Entrepreneur:
It's all good.

Kevin O'Leary:
You owe me a favor, both of you - I'm going to set you free of this stupid idea. It doesn't work! You're not going to make any money; this is a story of failure. I'm out.

Arlene Dickinson:
[after putting an offer on the table] You know what, Michael, they've all gone out...

Jim Treliving:
We haven't gone out, just wait a minute! You made an offer...

Arlene Dickinson:
Oh, now you're back in, okay.

Kevin O'Leary:
Well, you know, here's the struggle I'm having with it...

Jim Treliving:
[talking over Kevin, to Arlene] What do you mean "back in"? I never went out in the first place.

Arlene Dickinson:
Oh, I thought you were out. I thought you said you were out.

Jim Treliving:
Arlene, what are you talking about? I was talking about you...

Kevin O'Leary:
I'm an investor, I'm flipping back and forth, I'm listening to Arlene, the voice of the future, and... [looks over at Arlene and Jim]

Arlene Dickinson:
I was trying to keep you out; I'm trying to keep you out.

Jim Treliving:
I'm trying to keep a question...

Kevin O'Leary:
Are you kids finished? [they groan] Listen, don't bite each other. Now, generally in these high-tech deals you give your dough away, you kiss it goodbye forever, and hopefully down the road some guy buys the company.

Entrepreneur:
I don't think that's our play.

Kevin O'Leary:
So how do I get my money back?

Entrepreneur:
When the money's there. I'm gonna be making hundreds of thousands of dollars a month. Just tell me when you want to get paid.

Kevin O'Leary:
You know, I like this guy's schtick. Jim, are you in on this?

Arlene Dickinson:
Oh, he's mad at me.

Jim Treliving:
No no, I am mad at you, I'm just trying to figure out why it's going to work. I'd offer more money than she does, but...

Kevin O'Leary:
No no, let's keep her in the mix.

Jim Treliving:
No, I don't want her in the mix.

Kevin O'Leary:
Oh, come on!

Arlene Dickinson:
Aw, Jim, I thought you were a bigger man than that.

Kevin O'Leary:
Listen, listen: I get Arlene to apologize to you, we give her a third...

Jim Treliving:
I'm not worried about apologizing. I take sh*t from professionals.

Entrepreneur:
[models in bathing suits are demonstrating the product] What we are, we have a company...

Jim Treliving:
Take your time. [ogles the models' breasts]

Arlene Dickinson:
It takes a long time for old guys to get it.

Robert Herjavec, Kevin O'Leary:
Ohh! [Robert does a "cat fight" screech]

Robert Herjavec:
[Later, about the product's consumer appeal] Would Arlene buy this suit to walk around the house?

Jim Treliving:
It's not for older women.

Robert Herjavec, Entrepreneur, Kevin O'Leary:
OHHHH!

Arlene Dickinson:
[after being countered a term on her royalty deal] If it will make you feel better to do 20 years 'cause you'll have a term on it, I would do that.

Kevin O'Leary:
Don't do 20 years!

Arlene Dickinson:
It's a good deal, Hayley. If you push me harder on that, then...

Kevin O'Leary:
Arlene won't be alive in 20 years, you'll be dealing with some lawyer you don't know!

[Ralph stands up from the demo toilet seat and has notes on his butt reading "Diarrhea, E Coli, Sars, Faeces, HIV, etc."]

Kevin O'Leary:
Ralph, baby, you're gonna have a hard time getting a date after that!

Brett Wilson:
[after tasting the Birch Sap wine] This is what wine tastes like?

Kevin O'Leary:
Nope.

Kevin O'Leary:
[after taking a shot of Birch Sap vodka] AAAAHHHH! OHH!

Entrepreneur:
Perfect, smooth...

Kevin O'Leary:
OOOHHH! I CAN'T SEE!

Jim Treliving:
You haven't sold any?

Ralph - Entrepreneur:
Well, actually I just finished making it at 3 AM this morning.

Jim Treliving:
So it's very new in the market is what you're saying.

Kevin O'Leary:
Beyond the money, which I put a lot of weight on, I think you guys could use a little dose of what I call "motivational discipline" that I'm going to provide you. But you know, this thing is a huge crapshoot. It's either going to lose me my $333,000, and already the money's nervous; it's squealing saying, "Daddy, where're we going? Are these nice men?", and I said, "Yes, we're gonna take a chance." These monies hang with me at night and we drink Cabernet together. They don't really want to leave the house too often I gotta tell ya, but they're willing to do it in this case...

Robert Herjavec:
Oh my god, how much selling are you doing?

Jim Treliving:
I'm not gonna bring dick all to this thing.

Kevin O'Leary:
[about the wheat grass martini] Look, the lawnmower thing is still there. It reminds me of cutting the lawn when I was in the teen years. It really does smell, even the gasoline odor's there. And then the taste hits ya like a ton of bricks; it's the same as toad licking, there's no question about it. It's hideous!

Kevin O'Leary:
Why isn't Nick allowed to speak? Why don't you stop for a minute. Nick, can you articulate in the next 90 seconds how you're gonna make money? If not, I'm going to set you both on fire.

Robert Herjavec:
Let me tell you what I really love about the security business. Here's what I really love about it: it's very very complicated and very few people know how to do it. And there are a lot of fools and their money who try to get into it because they know nothing about it. I'm going to let you figure out which of those two groups I think you are. You wasted my time... I'm out.

Kevin O'Leary:
Dick, the game sucks the weenie of death; it's terrible!

Arlene Dickinson:
Please stop doing this. You are going to dig yourself a financial hole that you won't be able to get out of because you have fallen in love with an idea that nobody else wants.

[the Bathtime Buddy starts singing in a robotic tone, "This is the way we wash ourself, wash ourself..."]

Kevin O'Leary:
Yikes. It's a mutant alien!

Kevin O'Leary:
The basic premise remains that the universe is full of lying, cheating, stealing people and thank goodness that you found only the few products that are ethical. How bankrupt is that idea; will you tell me Procter & Gamble and Nike are unethical companies? You guys are a stain on the face of capitalism. I'm out.

Kevin O'Leary:
Did you really think there was a hope in Hell I would ever give you $265,000 for a box of crap?

Entrepreneur:
We're here to ask you Dragons to invest $750,000 into our company.

Kevin O'Leary:
Woo!

Entrepreneur:
In turn, we're willing to give you 12.5% equity... [Kevin chuckles]

Robert Herjavec:
I hate when people make me do the math.

Arlene Dickinson:
How much sales have you got right now?

Robert Herjavec:
Can we not see the product first?

Arlene Dickinson:
No, I just want to understand sales before we...

Entrepreneur:
Well, can I explain what we do first? [long pause]

Kevin O'Leary:
What are your sales?

Kevin O'Leary:
You're worth a million dollars having done nothing; nothing! Why are you worth a million dollars? You think I'm an idiot that I'd give you a million dollars? Where do you guys get off walking in here never having done it thinking that I would ever give a million dollar valuation on that; you think there's a chance in Hell I would give you that valuation and you have zero revenues? Come on, defend that!

Entrepreneur:
[after examining Kevin's eyes] Basically in iridology, when I look in your eyes, your eyes are a blueprint to your internal organs. Kevin has pockets along the GI track, which...

Robert Herjavec:
What does it mean?

Entrepreneur:
It means that you have, uh, small pouch-like sacs along the GI track that fill up with slow-moving fecal matter, and...

Bruce Croxon:
It means he's full of sh*t!