Drop the Dead Donkey

Gus Hedges:
Let's keep kneecapping the opposition.

Gus Hedges:
We've got to downsize our sloppiness overload.

Gus Hedges:
Could we interlock brain spaces in my work area?

Gus Hedges:
Well, butt-kickers, what's cooking?

Gus Hedges:
Coach, if I could input into your mental mainframe for a moment...

Gus Hedges:
Morning talent base. Are the afterburners on full thrust? You bet.

Gus Hedges:
Yes, well, publicity-wise this is a rather regrettable gonads-in-the-guillotine situation.

Gus Hedges:
Are we nuking the opposition news busters? Terrific.

Gus Hedges:
Morning, mountaineers. Climbing the north face of newsmaking again are we? Terrific.

Gus Hedges:
Let's operate a zipped-lip scenario on this one.

Gus Hedges:
George, can we pool our brainspaces in a center of excellence?

Gus Hedges:
Anyway, heads down, chins up, chests out, terrific, well played team.

Gus Hedges:
Quality stress dissipation opportunities here.

Gus Hedges:
Joy, can I have a quick word?

Joy Merryweather:
You can try.

Gus Hedges:
Is Mr. Newshound in his kennel? You bet.

[Damien's cameraman, Gerry, has suffered another mishap]

Damien Day:
Joy, could you phone Gerry's wife for me. She gets hysterical when she hears my voice on the phone.

George Dent:
[to Damian] That's an interesting low angle shot. It looks as if the cameraman had to stand in the grave, Damian!

Damien Day:
Well, I mean, the vicar gave permission. He even wanted to do a retake on the ashes to ashes bit.

Sally Smedley:
[to Henry] Have you been invited to appear on this telethon, Henry?

Henry Davenport:
I don't do telethons on principle. I don't agree with financing kidney units by filming gullible viewers riding backwards on unicycles with their underpants over their head.

Sally Smedley:
That's funny. I could have sworn I saw you on last year's telethon reading the news in a bath full of custard while the Krankies belted you with jam donuts.

Dave Charnley:
[to George] Some more reactions to the Guinness convictions. City's spokesman said they broke the stock market's unwritten code of honour.

George Dent:
What's that?

Dave Charnley:
Don't get caught.

Alex Pates:
[to Gus] Call me an old cynic Gus, but I can't help wondering if this concern over Prince Philip's views has anything to do with the fact that you're meeting him at a charity dinner on Wednesday.

Gus Hedges:
Certainly not. The interface between this job and my private life has a zero rating.

Gus Hedges:
As I have said before, I am very much the new microchip in your mainframe. So, if you feel it is a big story you must go for it. Of course, I suppose, that is the big question, is this genuinely a big story.

Alex Pates:
[to George] I've got another government statement saying that fears about declining education standards are exaggerated, spelt with 3 gs.

Alex Pates:
[to Gus] I am thinking of redrawing my mental parameters regarding suitability quotient for roles in pivotal to reign.

Damien Day:
You know what these stories are like. You turn up, and the emergency services have cleared away all the carnage so you've got no pictures. And these are just creative touches to bring home the full drama of the story to the viewer. I've won three awards with Dimbles. All right, all right, I concede that maybe I've overused him a teensy bit.

George Dent:
A teensy bit? This bear's visited more disaster scenes than Margaret Thatcher. It's the only cuddly toy to have taken part in the Iran Iraq War, where, as I recall, you claimed it was a mascot abandoned by martyrs of Allah.

George Dent:
Don't look so down in the dumps. We've got a programme to make haven't we? So, let's show everyone what we're made of and let's jolly well go out there and make television.

Alex Pates:
[about Gus, thinking] He's a devious bastard. People who use the term 'learning curve' are always devious bastards.

Gus Hedges:
And as for me, I can assure you, Gus Hedges is very much light touch, hands off, arms length executive bloke.

Gus Hedges:
George, I have something very important to tell you, I am not here.

George Dent:
What do you make of Gus, Alex?

Alex Pates:
He is like a eunuch's memories, full of bollocks.

Gus Hedges:
I'm a committed anti-tittle-tattle person.

Gus Hedges:
Please, Sir Royston is the man to thank; the father who watches over us who sent his only son to save us.

Dave Charnley:
I didn't know Gus was brought up religious.

Joy Merryweather:
Yeah, Church of the Latter Day Bollocks.

Roy Merchant Jnr:
I bet Roystonia has never been more ruthless. Just wait until I show this to my f-f-f***ing Dad!

[first lines]

Damien Day:
[reporting from in front of large fires of seized drugs] and so after weeks of painstakingly searching this rugged area the size of Wales finally some kind of reward, as behind me the soldiers gather and burn huge piles of coco leaves and marijuana. The drug barons, themselves, may have escaped the net this time, but their evil wares have not. And, and I think, you'd better cut there. [next take] Behind me, smoke, soldiers burning drugs, there, soldiers, behind me, behind me, soldiers, rugged soldiers, the size of Wales, burning drugs, painstakingly. [next take] Behind me painstaking barons burning leave drug soldiers in huge piles of whale nets. All right, that's the one Gerry. Hey, let's go for a curry.

[last lines]

Helen Cooper:
Sally, you're going to have to accept it. You are pregnant.

Sally Smedley:
Don't be silly Helen, any second now, that's going to turn white. Aha, there, you see, white.

Gus Hedges:
Problems are just the pregnant mothers of solutions.

Gus Hedges:
What stories are we scorching the opposition with today?

[Joy takes a phone call for Sally]

Helen Cooper:
From the look on your face, Joy, I'd say Sally's house just burned down.

Joy Merryweather:
Oh, much better than that.

[Sally is having plastic surgery]

Damien Day:
Sally, there's something in my eye.

Sally Smedley:
What is it?

Damien Day:
My nose.

[Sally is having plastic surgery on her thighs]

Helen Cooper:
Who's going to see your thighs under a newsdesk?

Henry Davenport:
Well, there was that rumour about the floor manager during the election coverage.

[first lines]

Henry Davenport:
So hands up all those who agree with Tom. So there we are. Let me remind you that this week on Davenport's Dilemmas we're dealing with divorce. Now Leslie, uh, Leslie, your husband left you. How did you feel?

Lesley:
Shattered, Henry. For weeks I just cried and cried.

Henry Davenport:
Really?

Lesley:
I'd done nothing to deserve it and yet I was totally abandoned.

Henry Davenport:
Well, presumably, old father time heals all wounds.

Lesley:
No, I still feel totally wretched. If you're a forty-five year old divorcee, nobody is interested. You're totally on the scrapheap.

Henry Davenport:
Yes, yes, but on the other hand, you are a self-pitying winger.

Lesley:
Sorry?

Henry Davenport:
Well you might be-hand's up all those men in who here who wouldn't touch Leslie with a barge pole.

Damien Day:
It was then that the fickle finger of fate flicking through his London A to Z picked out this sleepy little post office in Dalston.

[last lines]

Gus Hedges:
I was wondering if, um, you'd like to marry me.

Anna:
That's very kind of you, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

[first lines]

Damien Day:
Close as you can Gerry, that's it. And it is the construction of this conveyor belt which has so infuriated local residents. They can...

Gerry:
Yah! [camera begins to move as cameraman, Gerry, is stuck on the conveyor belt] .

Damien Day:
For goodness sake Gerry, what's the matter Oh well, never mind your arm, point the camera at me, we'll turn it into a tracking shot... And it is the construction of this, conveyor oh forget it, I look ridiculous.

Henry Davenport:
Gus, I'm sorry, I am sorry Gus, but you have to die. It's a mercy killing. A brain as damaged as yours cannot sustain life as we know it.

Gus Hedges:
Office humor, Henry, excellent.

Henry Davenport:
That was not office humor, Gus, it was abuse, intended to highlight what a total twat you are.

Gus Hedges:
Terrific. Every work place needs a jester!

[last lines]

Joy Merryweather:
That'll be for you.

[first lines]

Henry Davenport:
Say Dave, how are things between you and Helen?

Dave Charnley:
Fine thanks, yeah.

Henry Davenport:
Good. Only I've noticed that since that night you slept together you haven't seem to have been out with her at all.

Dave Charnley:
No, well we've both been very busy.

[last lines]

Deborah:
Unwrap it then.

George Dent:
It's a video.

Deborah:
It's all right, I filed the serial number off.

Gus Hedges:
If Mrs. Whitehouse saw this, she'd have our collective danglies in a Magi-Mix.

Dave Charnley:
When I woke up with you that morning, somehow there was something special about you.

Helen Cooper:
Yes, you knew my name.

[first lines]

Dave Charnley:
All right, listen up, listen up. New sweepstake. Best suggestions for next member of Clinton's family to be offered a government job. So far, we've got Chelsea Clinton as head of joint chiefs of staff and Socks the cat as head of the space program.

[last lines]

Sally Smedley:
Oh dear, poor little darling. [singing] The sun has got his hat on, hip-hip-hip hooray!

Helen Cooper:
[Gus and Helen are watching footage of Sir Royston Merchant having sex] Recognise that bottom, Gus? You should do, you've kissed it often enough.

[first lines]

Henry Davenport:
So then the surgeon says, sorry Mr. Murdoch but we couldn't get at your biles without removing Andrew Neil's head.

[last lines]

George Dent:
Yes, isn't that happy news, but then that's going to be my mission from now on, promoting happiness and harmony in this office.

George Dent:
Do you know your dog's crapped in my in tray?

Dave Charnley, Henry Davenport:
No, but you hum the tune and we'll join in.

[first lines]

Damien Day:
Carrying this replica gun I have managed to gain access to a locomotive pulling a train full of nuclear waste. I've not been challenged, and yet this train has the potential to devastate vast areas of our country with unimaginable loss of life, but just how worse can security get?

[last lines]

Damien Day:
Just how good is security here at Chequers. [he's attacked by armed guards] Pretty good really.

Helen Cooper:
[seeing Henry walk in singing "If I were a Rich Man"] You're in a good mood.

Henry Davenport:
Indeed I am. I'm in the sort of mood that a eunuch who's just heard about micro-surgery would be in.

Gus Hedges:
[entering the news room] Henry!

Henry Davenport:
[Jerking his head towards Gus] And talking of eunuchs.

[Gus has asked for an advance copy of Henry's autobiography]

Henry Davenport:
I'm not going to show this book to a living soul.

Joy Merryweather:
Still in with a chance there, Gus.

Dave Charnley:
[Dave finds an entry for Maastricht while reading through the index for Henry's planned autobiography]

[Looking up]

Dave Charnley:
Maastricht?

Helen Cooper:
Oh, that'll be when Sally misread the autocue, and announced to a waiting nation that the Government had finally agreed to ratify the Maastricht tea tray!

[George has been booked to appear on Newsnight]

Damien Day:
[to George] Was it Right to Reply where you sweated so much you fused the microphone?

Gus Hedges:
Just a thought I wanted to pop into your fishbowl to see if it blows bubbles.

Helen Cooper:
[reading from the story list] Is this it? Jonathan Aitken calling the European Union sluggish and complacent?

Dave Charnley:
Well, maybe they haven't paid his hotel bill yet.

Henry Davenport:
Oh yes, they say this woman with the sexual harrasment case may be able to make Bill Clinton exhibit his penis as evidence. The question is...

All:
Will it stand up in court?

[first lines]

Helen Cooper:
Ok, lead item, got to be Iraq, U.S. surgical strike against two hotel receptionists, and item five, this has come in, Prince Charles has had a security sweep done at Highgrove looking for listening devices.

Damien Day:
Oh sh*t!

George Dent:
What?

Damien Day:
Nothing.

[last lines]

Henry Davenport:
You know, this whole thing has opened my eyes. I lost the only woman I ever loved, fifteen years ago, and since then I've been wasting my life on a procession of soulless, empty one night stands. But I've learned my lesson, as of today all that stops. You know, I think I've finally grown up. What's my name doing on there?

Damien Day:
Oh, it's a new computer dating program. It's matched you with that new Aussie receptionist.

Henry Davenport:
And her phone number is?

[first lines]

Dave Charnley:
Right, ok, so anything else?

Henry Davenport:
Yes, why are you chairing the editorial meeting?

Dave Charnley:
Because George asked me to, actually. He's in with Gus, interviewing replacements for Alex, so I'm acting assistant editor. Anyone got a problem with that?

[last lines]

Helen Cooper:
I think we're going to get on.

[first lines]

Damien Day:
And now after our six day trek through the hostile and impenetrable Borneo interior, I am now standing just a few feet away from the Bangoan people, a tribe who are still living in the Stone Age and have never ever been seen by a white man before.

[last lines]

Henry Davenport:
This is ridiculous.

Sally Smedley:
We want our desk back. Now.

Henry Davenport:
You seriously expect me to sit at one of those? Besides, her inkwell is bigger than mine.

Gus Hedges:
Helen, if I could just park in your mental multi-story a moment...

Joy Merryweather:
Everyone okay? Shame, I was hoping you'd all died in the night.

Dave Charnley:
Bloody hell, she must have got out of the wrong side of her coffin this morning.

Helen Cooper:
[indicating Joy] We're going to have to do something about her.

George Dent:
Well, she's probably going through a bad patch. Maybe someone's making her unhappy.

Sally Smedley:
I'd be ever so grateful if you'd not put that on my side of the desk.

Henry Davenport:
Pardon me for breathing.

Sally Smedley:
Well, if you'd stop doing that, I'd be really grateful.

Helen Cooper:
Are you unhappy working here?

Joy Merryweather:
Is Pavarotti fat?

[Damien has handed Dave a 1938 Luger]

Damien Day:
Had a heck of a job getting the guy to let go of it.

Dave Charnley:
Yeah, I can imagine.

Damien Day:
Had to saw his fingers off in the end.

Dave Charnley:
[Putting the gun down] You sawed the fingers of a dead soldier?

Damien Day:
Well, I wouldn't saw the fingers off a live one.

Damien Day:
What's exactly wrong with collecting weapons?

Dave Charnley:
Nothing. I was interested in guns for years - then I reached puberty.

Sally Smedley:
Would you stop tossing your rubbish over my desk?

Henry Davenport:
What, you've got bloody airspace now?

Henry Davenport:
[after Sally has divided the desk] No, I shall not stoop to her level. You see, this is ridiculous, she's only put a line down the middle of... wait a minute, that's not the middle, you've stolen some of my desk.

Sally Smedley:
No I haven't.

Henry Davenport:
Yes you have, you're as bad as the bloody Israelis!

Henry Davenport:
Look, I need every inch I can get.

Sally Smedley:
Yes, that's what I heard.

[Damien has tricked Dave into destroying some videotapes]

Damien Day:
You were asking for it.

Dave Charnley:
You putrid piece of rat droppings!

Damien Day:
Look, I told you, don't mess with the big boys.

Dave Charnley:
You dirty, conniving bastard!

Damien Day:
Look, I'm sorry, you're just not in my league.

Dave Charnley:
You have all the scruples of Mark Thatcher.

Damien Day:
Now look, careful, you can go too far.

Joy Merryweather:
Morning, Gus.

Gus Hedges:
[surprised] Is Joy ill?

George Dent:
No, I had a quiet word with her. That seems to have done the trick.

[first lines]

Helen Cooper:
Right, big story, the Portillo wants the private sector to run schools, police, prisons, hospital...

Henry Davenport:
Heed my words in five years time they will have replaced hospitals with branches of operations-r-us. And you'll get there on Liberian registered buses that pay toll to the local police franchise, called plod-you-like. Staffed by twelve year-old school leavers whose parents got behind with the mortgage on their kid's pencil and who are now doing times in Strangeways World of Adventure PLC. And all these bloody companies will be part of one giant consortium, whose board of directors will be headed by Michael "poxy" Portillo.

[last lines]

Gus Hedges:
Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

Gus Hedges:
You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature regarding the gooiness factor on the physical front.

Henry Davenport:
Over the last twenty-five years, I have read the news drunk, concussed, stoned, with a live stoat in my underpants and once on regional television with my trousers round my ankles and a Lithuanian prostitute under the news desk.

Sally Smedley:
Any messages, Joy?

Joy Merryweather:
Yes, your planet called, said your mission on Earth was over and could you go home.

Henry Davenport:
Last week I took this actress back to my flat. She had five orgasms.

Joy Merryweather:
Oh, she must be a bloody good actress.

[first lines]

Helen Cooper:
And may I remind everyone, we need to be gentle with George this week.

Dave Charnley:
Why?

Helen Cooper:
He's just split up with the love of his life and he's broken hearted.

Henry Davenport:
So?

George Dent:
Oh, wake up and smell the toast.

Sally Smedley:
Thank you, George. It's about time I had the opportunity to show my potential as an international correspondent and Acapulco is the perfect place to start. I've always loved Italy.

Henry Davenport:
Do you hear that? Are you serious George?

George Dent:
Does the Pope sh*t in the woods?

[last lines]

George Dent:
Oh, Joy, I'm sorry I shouted at you like that and, uh, docked your wages. I hope you'll accept my humblest apologies.

Joy Merryweather:
All right then.

George Dent:
What are you doing?

Joy Merryweather:
I suppose I better take my scorpion out of your drawer.

George Dent:
Does the Pope sh*t in the woods?

Helen Cooper:
I can't believe I'm saying this, Dave, but while I'm away you'll be in charge of ethics.

Joy Merryweather:
It's in the dictionary, under 'E'.

George Dent:
[Sally Smedley will be reporting on an international summit] All she has to do is say, "The mood is one of cautious optimism" and flash her cleavage at the camera. A parrot with tits could do it.

Helen Cooper:
[Sally is unable to make an outdoor broadcast without a teleprompter] We're going to have to use idiot-boards.

Sally Smedley:
I think you mean cue-cards.

Helen Cooper:
I know what I mean.

Gus Hedges:
I'd just like you to stir-fry a few ideas in my think-wok.

Henry Davenport:
I'm trying to fill in one of these National Lottery tickets. I thought I'd put down the number of times I had sex last month, but they don't go higher than 49.

[he laughs]

Joy Merryweather:
Try sticking to the number of times someone else was there.

Dave Charnley:
The French have burnt alive another shipment of British sheep.

Henry Davenport:
Bloody Frogs - just because we did it to Joan of Arc.

[first lines]

Damien Day:
Oh, God.

Dave Charnley:
I'm so bored I could read John Smith's speech on the Constitution. I'll tell you what, a tenner on the first thing George complains about when he arrives.

Damien Day:
Yeah all right. My money says it'll be that one girl death squad he calls his daughter.

[last lines]

Helen Cooper:
See, I'd just split up with my girl friend and what happened between us made me realize that physically, emotionally, it's still her I want. So thanks. You're a pal.

Joy Merryweather:
Anything I should know for the newsletter, Dave?

Gus Hedges:
Morning ratings busters. Are we scraping Pete Punter with sexy scoops? You bet.

Gus Hedges:
I think we have a slight togetherness shortfall here.

[Henry has just suggested that the Pope should undergo a sex change before being artificially inseminated]

Sally Smedley:
For that remark, Henry, you will burn in Hell for all eternity.

Henry Davenport:
Doesn't worry me - I've sat next to you for three years.

Gus Hedges:
Tell me George, does the phrase "Eat dirt motherf***er" ring any bells?

[first lines]

Helen Cooper:
Mrs Babcock?

Mrs Babcock:
Ah yes, you must be Chloe's mum.

Helen Cooper:
Yes, sorry I'm late, I work in a TV newsroom and word came by that Andrew Neill had died and there was a bit of a panic. No one could find the champagne.

[last lines]

Sally Smedley:
[answering the telephone] Globelink. Oh, hello Gus. Oh not much. Dave and Henry haven't turned up up. Helen's brought her daughter into work and is talking about killing her. Oh, and Joy's chasing Damian with a fire ax. What's that bleeping sound?

Mr Anderson:
Actually, can't stop now, just wanted to pop something into your mental microwave, see if it defrosts.

Gus Hedges:
I have the strangest feeling I've met him somewhere before...

Damien Day:
Did anyone see World In Action? They sneaked inside a maternity ward to show how poor security is. I mean. I did that two years ago. D'you remember that, George?

George Dent:
How could we forget?

Damien Day:
I put the baby back! I mean all right, it was in the wrong cot but it all got sorted out in the end! If you ask me those mothers just overreacted.

George Dent:
[a poem Deborah wrote] "My Daddy" My Daddy is a jelly, my mummy told me so. He's short and dim and smelly, and we both wish he would go.

[first lines]

Damien Day:
I'm wearing the metropolitan police's new riot gear. Described as vital by their chief commissioner, criticized by others as too expensive, but just how effective is it? Well, with the help of my camera crew, I'm going to find out.

[last lines]

Gus Hedges:
Ok team, gather around, feel good moment imminent, as we unveil our prestigious new logo to the world. It's stylish, its original, and its going to be winched down any second now.

Helen Cooper:
Aren't you supposed to be operating the hoist?

Sign Man:
What's her name, Joy, said she wanted to do it.

Gus Hedges:
Marvelous. [naked man lowered from the roof clutching the new sign] Oh my God!

Damien Day:
Well its original, certainly.

Joy Merryweather:
Smashing.

[first lines]

Damien Day:
And out on a window ledge above me, fifteen stories high, a man is threatening to hurl himself onto the pavement if the council go ahead with his eviction order. The police have caught - no, no, no, it's all too dull, unless we get lucky and he jumps, and then we get the old entrails- on-the-pavement shot.

[last lines]

Gus Hedges:
Ahh, just as I thought.

Gus Hedges:
We've got to downsize our sloppiness overload, Joy. Am I making myself clear?

Joy Merryweather:
Don't be silly, Gus.

Gus Hedges:
You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.

Helen Cooper:
Good. And that is?

Gus Hedges:
Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off... I'll get back to you on this... cunning b*tch.

Gus Hedges:
Morning hotshots. Are we cooking with napalm? You bet.

Gus Hedges:
There is just something I'd like to pop into your percolator, see if it comes out brown.

Gus Hedges:
We do rather appear to have an ongoing underwear entanglement situation...

Gus Hedges:
I am not here, as you know.

Gus Hedges:
Susan I feel sure, will be eager to push forward the parameters of her career into new and fresh challenges in exciting fields outside this organisation.

Sally Smedley:
[to Henry] Well, Henry, no one can say you're not experienced. In fact, the word I'd use is old, old and raddled. Old, raddled, pushy, arrogant, quite frankly, and so physically repugnant I'd rather go to bed with a one-eyed, syphilitic warthog.

[first lines]

Damien Day:
And it is in these woods that the illegal hunters operate with the cruel and deadly man traps which can...

Gerry:
Jeez [sound of being snared and camera goes upside-down] .

[last lines]

George Dent:
I say Sally, your, uh, your standing on my foot.

Sally Smedley:
I know, aren't stiletto heels sharp? And I'm increasing the pressure, and George, can you feel that? And I'm increasing it even more. And hopefully I might drive a hole through your foot, because in my opinion your abject display cost me a small fortune.

Gus Hedges:
[about a controversial story] Well, obviously I don't have an opinion - I am a support module. But it would be very easy to find ourselves standing on buttered ball bearings over this piece. While I feel passionately in no punches pulled, hard-hitting journalism, do you feel in any real sense that we ought to be wary of running any unsubstantiated stories if we are to avoid a faeces and fan situation.

Gus Hedges:
Now, I am just in a throwing the balls in the air and seeing where they land mode here, but I can't help agreeing with George.

Gus Hedges:
Do you know what he called me? A mediocrity.

Dave Charnley:
Who?

Gus Hedges:
Sir Royston, last week. And do you know something else. He's right. And that's why I've got to do it. Get out, kick out, move arse, because I'm a medi-bloody-ocrity! Oh God! [he drops his head in his hands]

Dave Charnley:
...I suppose you're not interested in a lobster?

Gus Hedges:
You know, it's easier if you're like Alex and you've got talent. It's easy if you're like you and you're completely bloody hopeless. But when you're average,you have to fight, steal, cheat and work bloody hard just to stay where you are. That's what we mediocrities have to do. [pause] Isn't it Sally?

Sally Smedley:
Sorry Gus, I don't quite get your drift.

Gerry Gow:
The PM will require a glass of water.

Alex Pates:
To drink or to walk on?

[first lines]

Helen Cooper:
Press release from central office. Tories are insisting there's a clear blue water between them and Labor.

Dave Charnley:
Yeah, only trouble is it's got lots of brown things floating in it.

Gus Hedges:
If anyone wants me, I'm in my office. Getting in touch with my inner child.

Joy Merryweather:
He'll never find his inner child. It's buried beneath the outer prat.

[last lines]

Dave Charnley:
Oh no, let me get this straight. You hired a beautiful call girl to accompany you to your ex-wife's wedding just to rub her nose in it. And you then got this woman to make a pass at the groom and ruin their wedding day. That's what you did, wasn't it George.

George Dent:
Yes, that's what I did. And it was the best two thousand pounds I have ever spent.

Gus Hedges:
From now on I'm going to employ relaxation techniques to turn off stress river and mosey gently down contentment creek.

Sally Smedley:
Either I get a formal response to my request for the same lunch allowance as Henry or I shall withdraw my labor. How would you like that?

Joy Merryweather:
How would we know?

Gus Hedges:
Good morning scoop busters.

Gus Hedges:
Today is tomorrow's tadpole of opportunity.

Gus Hedges:
[finally confronting Sir Roysten] Why don't you return my calls? I have tried so hard to please you! People like me... we waste our lives... for what? For a fat man in a big house! And what do we get in return? Broken minds... dead souls... scorched eyebrows. Well... let me tell you something... [he is cut off by the automatic door closing]

Miss Frobisher:
[on intercom] Yes Sir Roysten?

Sir Roysten:
Miss Frobisher... who was that man?

Sally Smedley:
We're both perfectly normal human beings.

Damien Day:
We all are.

Henry Davenport:
You're not, you're a f***ing weirdo.

Dave Charnley:
[Sally has been on breakfast television plugging her book] [on phone, in posh voice] Hello. I'm ringing to complain about you giving air time to that repulsive Sally Smedley. It's a bloody disgrace.

Damien Day:
[at same time, on different phone, in 'old man' voice] I do not pay my licence fee to have to watch this kind of thing on my screen.

Henry Davenport:
[at same time, on another phone, in normal voice] I have two children and when Sally Smedley came on, one of them was sick and remained distressed for the rest of the evening.

Sally Smedley:
[entering office, cheerily] Afternoon everyone.

Dave Charnley, Damien Day, Henry Davenport:
[all slam down their phones]

Gus Hedges:
Yes, well, I sense we may be straying down Tangent Boulevard here.

[first lines]

Henry Davenport:
And that is the news this Friday lunch-time.

Jill:
We'll be back at six.

[last lines]

George Dent:
Come along George. Well your not pushing me around little miss fire drill. Who does she think she is herding everyone around like some Gestapo-trained sheepdog. Well you can count me out. Cause nobody pushes George Dent around.

Gus Hedges:
Jill, could you come for a brief scuba in my think tank?

Gus Hedges:
We're merely running our bulletins through the cappuccino machine of innovation, see if it comes out frothy.

Helen Cooper:
Has anyone seen Gus?

Joy Merryweather:
I think he's in an anal interface with a toilet situation.

Gus Hedges:
So what's it like living in insert name and town?

[first lines]

Helen Cooper:
Could be a big week next week. They're talking in Westminster of Major getting the boot and Heseltine and Portillo forming a balanced ticket.

Joy Merryweather:
First time those two have been described as balanced. Two nutters with sad hair.

[last lines]

Joy Merryweather:
Oh dear what a shame, Piggy Dean.

Gus Hedges:
My place is here, with my family of co-achievers.

Gus Hedges:
D'you know who I'm basing my tactics on? Isn't it obvious? John Major. The Iron Man, banishing those rebels to the wilderness.

[the news team discovers that the Senior Staff's shares in Merchant Communications have substantially increased in value, just before Gus walks in]

Gus Hedges:
Morning newsbusters. Have we struck gold?

Henry Davenport:
I don't know. You tell us.

Gus Hedges:
I'm setting you free. Free to roam the high seas of enterprise as the buccaneers of our broadcasting future.

[first lines]

Priest:
we therefore commit his body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life, through our Lord Jesus Christ; who shall change our vile body, that it may be like unto his glorious body, according to the mighty working, whereby he is able to subdue all things to himself. The grace of the lord Jesus Christ, and the love God and the fellowship of the Holy Ghost be with us all, amen.

George Dent:
Ah, well.

Dave Charnley:
Yeah, that's that.

Helen Cooper:
What a wonderful character he was.

Sally Smedley:
Yes. It's tragic, tragic. If you'll excuse me, I'm just going to share my grief with those reporters.

Damien Day:
Judges! Sodding judges! Bunch of Jurassic lobotomized transvestites.

Dave Charnley:
Dinky little fine was it then?

Helen Cooper:
What is it now? For the last time, you two, this is a place of work.

Joy Merryweather:
Since when?

[last lines]

Dave Charnley:
we've made a day of it, haven't we. Caused blind reg to total Damien's car, given Damien a nervous breakdown, and we've hospitalized Gus with a heart attack.

Henry Davenport:
[with Dave Charnley] It's what Ted would have wanted!

Gus Hedges:
I've never been at a burial scenario before.

Gus Hedges:
Sorry, Helen, had a bit of a composure shortfall earlier.

Gus Hedges:
I'm in major cellular rejuvenation mode, fast-tracking my way to eternal biological viability.

[first lines]

Gus Hedges:
Hello George, hello Dave. How are we both? Keeping well?

George Dent:
Fine thank you, Gus.

Dave Charnley:
Yes, fine.

Gus Hedges:
Nice weekend?

George Dent:
Um, have we done something wrong?

Joy Merryweather:
Jumped-up, poxy, two bit secretary one, on-screen talent, nil.

[last lines]

Gus Hedges:
Terrific. Hey, why don't you come round to my flat tonight. I've just got my hands on this new video, it's, it's rather adult and sophisticated.

Henry Davenport:
Oh yes, all right, why not?

Gus Hedges:
It's called ten great management role-playing scenarios

Gus Hedges:
Look, Henry, if it's any help, I do have a sleep area overcapacity situation.

Damien Day:
It was not my fault that the pictures were so dull, George. Every cow in that herd had BSE but could we get one of them to stagger about in a wobbly kind of way. No, they just lay there idle doing bugger-all and looking totally sane. Even after we lobbed in the firecrackers.

Gus Hedges:
In this fast changing world of ours you have to have tomorrow's technology today, because today is tomorrow's yesterday, and yesterday is a bad place to live.

Gus Hedges:
Let us not burn our boats before the bridge is built.

Gus Hedges:
In a situation like this we must emulate our prime minister.

Dave Charnley:
What - cock it up and then blame someone else?

Dave Charnley:
Damian, there's a farmer on the line for you. He says how big do you want the corn circles?

Damien Day:
[loudly] Hello everyone. What a lovely morning it is. I hope nobody's got a HANGOVER. Personally I feel terrific.

Henry Davenport:
Who did Dante put in the first circle of Hell beneath the atheists? The smug bastards, wasn't it?

Alex Pates:
Henry, you know the office rules, no fourteenth-century literary allusion before lunchtime.