Eastbound & Down

Ashley Schaeffer:
I had a dream about this moment... When I was making love... to my wife Donna. On top a her; powerful thrusts, filling the sultry night air. Heavy breath. My son Gabriel walked in, little boy. My wife sprung out of bed and said "No, Gabriel! Leave!" And I said "No, honey, shut your mouth, let him watch." Let him watch what is being consecrated here. And I want the people to watch what is going to be consecrated here. And I will bring my son down here, and he will watch.

Casper:
Hey, Stevie. Did you get cancer?

Kenny Powers:
F*** that noise!

Reg Mackworthy:
When did you become such a p*ssy? I mean, you've always been a p*ssy. But now you're like a vagina with a mullet.

Kenny Powers:
When my ass was 19 years old I changed the face of Professional Baseball.

Kenny Powers:
I'm the man who has the ball. I'm the man who can throw it faster than f***. So that is why i am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick... everyone.

Kenny Powers:
You're f***in' out!

Kenny Powers:
Ya'll get that tanning bed i sent ya'll last year?

Cassie Powers:
Yeah, you mean the one you sent three years ago?

Kenny Powers:
Wow. Three years... hmm. Well, it IS a tanning bed.

Kenny Powers:
Y'all named your kid after f***in' Titanic? You gotta be shittin me!

Dustin Powers:
It's Cassie's favorite movie.

Kenny Powers:
Oh wow, you better be shittin me. What's his name f***in' Shrek? No, huh?

Kenny Powers:
Can I wear the Scream mask? The mask from Scream... when I do you from behind...

Kenny Powers:
When we were kids, me and your Dad used to beat the sh*t out of these retard brothers that used live down the street from us. Hilarious! I mean this guy was the most ruthless one! Now, I'm sittin here, he's got a family, nice shirt on.

Cassie Powers:
We try to teach our children not to make fun of others who are challenged.

Kenny Powers:
Mongoloid Mike? Is that what you used to call him?

Kenny Powers:
Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I'm the man who has the ball, I'm the man who can throw it faster than f***. So that is why I am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick. Everyone.

Kenny Powers:
Sure, I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism.

[first lines]

Kenny Powers:
When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom, multi-million dollar deals, endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my sh*t. Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a f***ing cannon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm.

Kenny Powers:
I'm sick and tired of carrying all the weight, the coaches and owners not giving me the sh*t I need to win. Atlanta, you're f***ing out. Kenny Powers is now a free agent. Let's buy the bar and get shitfaced. Get me paid, b*tch!

Kenny Powers:
But a true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies.

Marcus Shank:
[sitting behind Kenny, on his cell phone] Hey, you're never gonna believe who's sitting in front of me. Kenny f***ing Powers. No sh*t. Yeah, it's him. No, hell no, he looks like sh*t. He looks like a big bag full of mashed up a**hole.

Cassie Powers:
Her name is Rose, named after Ms. Kate Winslet in the movie 'Titanic'.

Kenny Powers:
[laughs] Y'all named your daughter after f***ing 'Titanic'?

Dustin Powers:
Cassie's favorite movie.

Kenny Powers:
[laughs] Wow, you gotta be shittin' me. [points to Dustin's son] What's his name, f***in' Shrek?

Kenny Powers' motivational tape:
Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I'm the man who has the ball, I'm the man who can throw it faster than f***. So that is why I am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.

P.E. Kid:
When you did steroids, did they make your balls shrink?

Kenny Powers:
Oh, you think that's funny? How 'bout I show you my balls right now and you can tell me if they shrunk, huh? No, for your information, I have full-size balls. Next question.

Timid Kid:
My dad said you ruined baseball.

Kenny Powers:
You know what? I can already tell that I don't like you. And I'm probably not gonna like you no matter how many pull-ups or push-ups you do. All right, anybody who wants to pick on anybody in class, aim for him, 'cause I'm not watchin'.

Clegg:
Powers. Step into my office. Let's do some blow.

Kenny Powers:
Finally, motherf***er.

Terrence Cutler:
Kenny, I've called you here for something rather serious and kind of sad. Coach Booth died this morning. They're not sure, but they think he may have been taking too many of the pain pills the doctor gave him for his back.

Kenny Powers:
Sh*t, you can die from that?

Kenny Powers' motivational tape:
A lot of people ask me, 'Kenny Powers, you're a giant superstar. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?' And the answer is yes, I have. Several times, in fact. And it's actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument.

Kenny Powers' motivational tape:
Sure, I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I'm not. i honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called 'patriotism'.

Kenny Powers:
F*** man, I'm a bulletproof tiger, dude!

Reporter:
Kenny, What do you think of New York?

Kenny Powers:
You mean Jew York? It's f***ing great.

Girl P.E. Student #1:
Is it true you were in jail?

Kenny Powers:
No babe, rehab.

Girl P.E. Student #2:
Did you hurt yourself?

Kenny Powers:
No, I didn't hurt myself.

Girl P.E. Student #2:
'Cause Coach Booth said after his back surgery he has to go to rehab.

Kenny Powers:
Oh okay. Yeah I hurt myself, I hurt my nose.

Kenny Powers:
My minds still blown you got three kids. I remember when you were having this one. [points to Wayne] Old blondy over here.

Dustin Powers:
We got three.

Kenny Powers:
Three handsome young men. The POWER'S way.

Dustin Powers:
uhh... littlest one's a girl.

Cassie Powers:
[to baby Rose] You certainly are. [to Kenny] Her name is ROSE. Named after Ms. Kate Winslet in the movie 'TITANIC'

Kenny Powers:
[laughing] Ya'll named your daughter after f***in' TITANIC?

Dustin Powers:
It's Cassie's favorite movie.

Kenny Powers:
Oh wow. You gotta be shittin' me. [points to boy next to Wayne] What's his name? F***in' Shrek? [pause] No, huh?

News Reporter:
So, Kenny. How do you feel about playing for New York?

Kenny Powers:
You mean 'JEW' York? It's f***in' great.

Cassie Powers:
You get the Christmas cards we got you this year?

Kenny Powers:
Uhh, yeah I think so, yeah. I mean I get a sh*t ton of fan mail, so it's a lot of mail to go through. So, uhh yeah I think I did. Ya'll get that tanning bed I sent ya'll last year?

Cassie Powers:
Yeah the one you sent three years ago?

Kenny Powers:
Three years? Wow. Um. Um. Well it is a tannin' bed, you know. So... [to the boys] you boys ever tag team anybody? Beat up any kids in your neighborhood? When we were kids, me and your dad used to beat the sh*t out of these retard brothers who used to live down the streets from us. Hilarious [referencing Dustin] I mean this guy was the most ruthless one. Now, I'm sitting here, he has a family. He's got a nice shirt on.

Cassie Powers:
We try to teach our children NOT to make fun of others who are challenged

Kenny Powers:
'MONGOLOID' Mike. Is that what we used to call him? We used to bush his head open with a stick. Remember that?

Cassie Powers:
Okay. I think we're gonna tone down the language, right.

Terrence Cutler:
When I heard you were gonna be subbing here I almost lost my mind.

Kenny Powers:
Well that's good for you.

Terrence Cutler:
There's something you need to know, Kenny. You're not the only athlete here at Jeff Davis. I happen to be training for a Triathlon right now. Doin' a lot of running, and cycling, swimming. Well you know all about that.

Kenny Powers:
No actually I don't. I do SPORTS. Not try to be the best at exercising.

Kenny Powers:
[on phone with prostitute] Alright, so let me get this straight. So I gotta pay for a blow job, and I gotta pay for a f***in' hotel room too? Well that seems like I'm spending too much money for nothin' I got a house. You can just get your ass over and we could just do the blow job here. And can I wear the 'SCREAM' mask? The mask from 'SCREAM' while I do you from behind. [prostitute hangs up] Hello? Hey?

Kenny Powers:
Alright, got time for one more. [picks timid looking kid in the bleachers] Timid Kid.

Timid Kid:
My dad said you ruined baseball.

Kenny Powers:
You know what, I can already tell that I don't like you. And I'm probably not gonna like you no matter how many pull ups or pushups you do. [to the class] If anybody wants to pick on anybody in class... [points back to timid looking kid] Aim for him, because I ain't watchin'.

Kenny Powers:
You're f***ing out!

Janitor:
Where the f**k is that dude goin'? It's still first period!

Kenny Powers:
You're f***ing out.

Terrence Cutler:
There's something you need to know about Kenny, you're not the only athlete here at Chip Davis. I happen to be training for a triathlon. Doing a lot of running, cycling, swimming, but you know all about that.

Kenny Powers:
No actually I don't. I play real sports, not try to be the best at exercising!

Kid in Gym Class:
My dad said you ruined baseball!

Kenny Powers:
You know what? I can already tell that I don't like you! And I'm probably not going to like you no matter how many pull-ups or push-ups you do! If anybody wants to pick on anybody in class, aim for him, cause I aint watching

Kenny Powers:
You wanna know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife, Tina. Yeah, she was a stripper. And if Montel Williams wants to talk sh*t some more then he can go f*** himself, 'cause those charges were dropped.

Kenny Powers:
I am the man who has the ball, I am the man who can throw it faster than f***. So that is why, I, am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick! EVERYONE!

Kenny Powers:
You named your baby after "Titanic"? What's this mother f***er's name? Shrek?

Kenny Powers:
[repeated line when pitching a strikeout] You're f***ing out!

Roy McDaniel:
Kenny Powers, it is time to quit tickling balls and start sucking your dream's dick.

Kenny Powers:
Where were you? I told you to wait in the car. Why is there silver sh*t all over your face?

Clegg:
I was hangin' out with those dudes in the parking lot.

Kenny Powers:
Doing what? Giving Robocop a blowj*b?

Ashley Schaeffer:
We got beautiful cars, beautiful surroundings... beautiful women.

Kenny Powers:
Oh yeah, they are pretty hot, huh?

Ashley Schaeffer:
They're my closers. And they help people who are slightly hesistant to buy cars; so you happen to be a man? Ashley over there will suck your dick.

Kenny Powers:
I like how you work.

Ashley Schaeffer:
You happen to be a woman, Scott will finger you with his penis.

Kenny Powers:
F*** that noise.

Kenny Powers:
Work drugs.

Kenny Powers:
There is one image in my life that consistently makes me happy no matter when I think about it. And that image, that one image is your big tits.

Kenny Powers:
Nah dude! This is a real job, not like teaching kids. You can't get f***ed up.

Kenny Powers:
Funny thing, when you're on top of the world, every motherf***er wants to get a piece of your ass. But then, you take a little time off from being unstoppable... just to... regroup and relax, no one will give you the time of f***in' day.

Kenny Powers:
Where were you? Why is there silver sh*t all over your face?

Clegg:
I was hanging out with those guys in the parking lot.

Kenny Powers:
What were you doing? Giving Robocop a blowj*b?

Kenny Powers:
What can I do to make you happy now? Let's try and see: I can't invite your friends to a f***ing party because that's not enough; I can't sing a f***ing song with you 'cause that's not enough; I can't buy f***ing luxuries and fancy cars and expensive fur coats and fine jewelry and chinas! That's not enough either! None of it's f***ing enough! What do you want? huh? You want me to quit my f***ing job? Go back to being your little b*tch boy? Well it's not happening! If anyone wants to take my television job they'll have to do it over my dead f***ing body!

April Buchanon:
I think you need to leave.

Kenny Powers:
No. I'm the one who...

April Buchanon:
No! You need to get out. Get out.

Kenny Powers:
May... Let's maybe we could just take it down a notch.

Kenny Powers:
Fine. You want me out of here?

April Buchanon:
Yeah.

Kenny Powers:
Ok, I'm out. Party's over. I guess I'll have to find somebody new to fall in love with who will appreciate these; want some f***ing rubies?

April Buchanon:
Get the f*** out.

Kenny Powers:
Some f***ing emeralds?

Kenny Powers:
I never got into the Native American mythology. You can smoke the peace pipe till your dick falls off, but I'm not dancin with any wolves no matter how high I get. ?Not that I get high, but if i did my sh*t would still believe in our lord and savior Jesus Christ"

Kenny Powers:
I've been blessed with many things in this life: an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a burmese python, and the mind of a f***ing scientist.

Kenny Powers:
Can I wear the Scream mask? The mask from Scream... while I do you from behind.

Kenny Powers:
I need you to score me some juice.

Clegg:
What do you mean? Like from the store?

Kenny Powers:
No, you idiot. Steroids!

Kenny Powers:
So, besides getting shot in the back of the head do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school and no, I'm not making that up.

Kenny Powers:
If there's one thing I hate it's losing. If there's two things I hate it's losing and getting cancer.

Kenny Powers:
Smashing a brick through a dude's window is nothing compared to the things I've done. I've killed people.

Kenny Powers:
People say Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That's not true. I love women. Every f***ing one of them, even the ugly as sh*t ones. But don't ask me to trust 'em. Not even nuns, because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can't fill.

Stevie Janowski:
Watch out, ass blood.

Kenny Powers:
I need you to score me some juice.

Clegg:
You mean, like from the store?

Kenny Powers:
No mother f***er! I'm talking about roids. Don't act like you don't know about drugs when you do!

Kenny Powers:
If there's one thing I hate in this life, it's losing. If there's two things I hate, it's losing and getting cancer.

Kenny Powers:
Honey, I love you... I think you're a terrific girl, but you got clothes like a f***in' d*ckhead.

Terrence Cutler:
[At party] Well look at this, Kenny Powers you made it! Wow. And who is this lovely lady you've got with you?

Kenny Powers:
Lovely - her?

Tracy:
Don't be so f***ing rude.

Kenny Powers:
Cutler this is Tracy. Tracy, Cutler. And he's my boss so don't try to suck him off.

Baseball Player:
Who the f*** is this guy?

Stevie Janowski:
Who the f*** are you? WHO the F*** are YOU?

Kenny Powers:
You came back for me.

Stevie Janowski:
No, I never really left.

Kenny Powers:
Well, that's illegal. We shouldn't just have it out, but thanks dude.

Kenny Powers:
You came.

April Buchanon:
Yeah, I heard it on the radio.

Kenny Powers:
So does this mean...?

April Buchanon:
Yes.

Kenny Powers:
I just want you to know that I've been thinking a lot about what happened at the cook-out.

April Buchanon:
Can we talk about it later when everyone is not around?

Kenny Powers:
It was just that we were there, and then we were touching each other, and then I saw those tits and I started feeling your ass, and then i just started breathing heavy and i almost got a headache, and then my vision started to go all colorful... Then I just came in my pants.

April Buchanon:
Ok...

April Buchanon:
But I won't do that again.

Baseball Player:
Hey, can we finish this or you just gonna yakkity yak with tits and legs over there?

Kenny Powers:
Hey! She's more that just a pair of tits with legs, Mackworthy!

Kenny Powers:
I'm just an average American... with extraordinary hair.

Kenny Powers:
I'm gonna have a f***ing panic attack. I need four xanax and two Miller Lites.

Kenny Powers:
If you wanna fight, you do it on your own time. In a parking lot somewhere. Not in a school surrounded by books.

Kenny Powers:
I need to record something!

Stevie Janowski:
Well, I have a cracked version of Logic Pro 8.

Stevie Janowski:
Okay, so I can have the EQ optimized for what you wanna do. I just need to know, ah, are you gonna be singing?

Ashley Schaeffer:
That's my game!

Ashley Schaeffer:
Dick slappin's my game!

Kenny Powers:
I just want you to know that I've been thinking a lot about, you know, what happened at the cookout.

April Buchanon:
Can we talk about it later, when everyone's not around?

Kenny Powers:
It's just that we were there, and then we were touching each other, and then I saw those tits, and then I started feelin' your ass and I started breathin' heavy and I almost got a headache and then my vision started to go all colorful... and then I just came in my pants.

Kenny Powers:
Kenny Power's days of burning ass are done. And that's not a homosexual reference.

Baseball Player:
I know where you at, man. You had it all, and now it's gone. And it's torn a whole in your soul bigger'n my Escalade. So you turn to the drugs, the alcohol, the pornography, freebasin' with O.J., human traffickin', dog fights-slash-orgies... darkness.

Ashley Schaeffer:
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Can you feel the tension? I can! I can feel it... down in my plums. They're getting a nice bluish hue, gettin' ready to take 'em to the farmer's market.

Stevie Janowski:
I hope we get into a f***ing car wreck, and then we die, and we get to see each other in heaven.

Kenny Powers:
We're not gonna get into a car wreck, because I'm an excellent driver.

[Kenny drinks a can of beer as he drives]

Stevie Janowski:
I feel ten feet tall and strong as an ox!

Stevie Janowski:
No bunts! No bunting!

Reg's Bodyguard:
Clegg here?

Kenny Powers:
The f*** do you want?

Reg's Bodyguard:
You Clegg?

Kenny Powers:
Maybe.

Clegg:
[whispers] Then again, maybe not.

Reg's Bodyguard:
I will f*** you up, motherf***er!

Kenny Powers:
That's not what I was insinuating. By my body language I was just saying welcome to Sh-Boom Sh-Booms.

Reg's Bodyguard:
Look, whichever of you two faggots is Clegg, I got the money.

Clegg:
Oh, wait, you're the bodyguard.

Reg's Bodyguard:
Yeah, that's right. Yeah, listen, um, can we take care of this sh*t out back? This bar smells like a old lady farted piss.

Clegg:
That's gross.

Ashley Schaeffer:
Can you feel the tension? I can. I can feel down in my plums. Getting a nice, bluish hue. Getting ready to take them down to the farmer's market.

Derek Huff:
A Gold Card will get you Jonas Brothers tickets. A Black Card will have all three of them sucking your cock within the hour.

April Buchanon:
I'm just not ready to take that risk... of my life... on that gamble.

Kenny Powers:
What the f*** does that even mean?

Kenny Powers:
The risk... of... the life... with the gamble - -what?

April Buchanon:
I'm not ready to risk my life on a gamble!

Terrence Cutler:
A lot of people are feeling a lot of things right now! Let's just get our feelings out there and talk it through and calm down!

Terrence Cutler:
I've been a little bit upset!

Terrence Cutler:
I've mostly been out in the woods! And it's... not normal for me... to live out in the woods.

Terrence Cutler:
I've been going a little bit of crazy!

Kenny Powers:
I just wanted to tell you that this is probably the best day of my life. I just thought you should know that before we go any further.

April Buchanon:
Thank you, Kenny. I'm happy too.

Kenny Powers:
Okay, now get naked.

Dustin Powers:
You got some credentials there, pal?

Pat Anderson:
Yeah I got some credentials. [revels black credit card] Business account, of course.

Dustin Powers:
What's black? Is black better than gold?

Pat Anderson:
Uhh yeah, GOLD might get you Jonas Brothers tickets. BLACK will have all three of them sucking your dick.

Pat Anderson:
F*** the kids!

Ashley Schaeffer:
[shouting] Ashley Schaffer BMW! Ashley Schaffer BMW! Ashley Schaffer BMW!

Ashley Schaeffer:
Dickslapping's my game!

Kenny Powers:
[Kenny's audiobook plays] So, in closing, I'd like to give big ups to God, Buddha, L. Ron, whoever. Hell, maybe I just need to thank me. If there's one thing I've learned through all my adventures and conquests, it's that some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great. I just am great. I'm not trying to sound cocky or full of myself, but Kenny Powers has a sneaking suspicion that no matter what comes his way he will always be great. Because that's just the way sh*t works sometimes. This has been based on a true story. The motherf***in' end.

Kenny Powers:
Listen here you beautiful b*tch. I am about to f*** you up with some truth.

Kenny Powers:
Listen, you beautiful b*tch, I'm about to f*** you up with some truth!

Kenny Powers:
[at Catuey's table] Do you all have room for one mas more?

Kenny Powers:
Honey, I love you, I think you're a terrific girl, but you have clothes like a f***in' d*ckhead.

Kenny Powers:
I transcend race, hombre.

Kenny Powers:
You know when dealing with bad depression, and, sad sh*t, it's cool to pretend like nothin' is wrong. That sometimes works. But, eventually, you gotta call a goddamn spade a spade and be like "yo I'm f***ed up and I gotta make a change." Sometimes you gotta wash away the paint and reveal to the world the jackass that is hiding beneath. Sometimes, you just gotta get back in the f***ing game.

Kenny Powers:
[Kenny speaking to Stevie about how great his life is in Mexico] Yeah, this is pretty much me, every day. Staring at butt holes and getting my buzz on.

Stevie Janowski:
Look at me mom. Look at me mom.

Prostitute:
Get it daddy. C'mon.

Stevie Janowski:
I feel like I could go all f***ing night.

Prostitute:
But you only paid for an hour baby.

Stevie Janowski:
Right, no, but if I had paid for more than an hour I could [trails off into a groaning orgasm]

Prostitute:
Let it all out, get a good return on that dollar. That's it, go on and get it.

Kenny Powers:
Remember. There is no I in team, but there is a U in c*nt. So don't be little jealous c*nts, ok?