EastEnders

Alan:
You don't wanna go upsetting the Mitchells, they have long memories.

Zoe:
My sister is my mum. My Dad is my granddad and my uncle, and my uncle is my dad.

Tony:
Honestly, Si, you don't know whether you're Arthur or Martha!

Dot:
Luke, Chapter 4, Verse 23. Physician heal thyself.

Zoe:
Zoe, Chapter 1, shut your cakehole

Dot:
How rude...

Zoe:
This ain't the Sound of Music, he's not going to marry you.

[When big Mo was 'Miss Whiplash', Little Mo answers the phone]

Little Mo:
You've been a naughty boy?... What did you do?... Oh I'm sure you didn't mean to, you sound ever so sorry.

Nana Moon:
Alfie, I've decided I want to get cremated.

Alfie:
Come on then, get your coat.

[Talking to Charlie about Kat]

Mo:
She's got a loud mouth and a foul temper. I dunno where she gets it from.

Ian Beale:
[after Minty asks him about advice on weddings] Yes I've had three wives. One cheated on me, one Didn't make it past reception, and one shot me. What would you like to know?

[repeated line]

Dot:
Ooh, I say!

Frank Butcher:
You're a wave short of an ocean, aint ya?

Frank Butcher:
What do ya take me for? Some kind of ice cream?

Frank Butcher:
What do you take me for? Some kind of Donut?

Frank Butcher:
What do you take me for? Some kind of Pilchard?

Frank Butcher:
I'll tell you what, pal, you talk to me like that again and you're gonna get a dry slap.

Ethel Skinner:
[referring to punk Mary] You know what the bible said, "Help thy neighbour".

Dot Cotton:
But it didn't say, "Help thy common slut that won't help thyself."

Den Watts:
[on seeing a miserable-looking Pauline] They cancelled public hangings or something?

Alfie:
You know what they say, darlin', the course of true love never runs smooth.

Kat:
I don't want smooth, just something that's less like roller-blading down the Himalayas with a rocket up me backside.

[repeated line]

Peggy:
Get outta ma pub!

Dr. Anthony Trueman:
I want to be with Kat, Kat wants nothing to do with me. I don't want to be with Zoe, Zoe wants everything to do with me. Happy Christmas.

Lou:
[Final words to her family] Now that I've sorted you all out, I can go.

Phil:
Hello Grant. You should see this place... It is *ripe*... and I've found the ideal spot.

Peggy Mitchell:
The cancer's back. I'm dying.

Pat:
You're a lying little slapper, Carol Jackson.

Carol:
[angry] You what!

Pat:
David ain't Bianca's father. Not in a million years.

Carol:
[angry] Oh really. And what makes you so sure?

Pat:
Because I know my son. Cos I know you. You've had more traffic through you than the Blackwall Tunnel. I mean let's face it, dear. You haven't got a clue who Bianca's dad is. You're just trying to find an easy hook to hang your coat on. There... that didn't take long did it?

Sharon:
[after Grant has played the 'Sharongate confession' to the Vic] Look, Kathy - nothing happe...

Kathy Beale:
[Kathy slaps Sharon across the face] You SLUT.

Peggy:
[to Phil and Grant after they harrass David about seeing Sam] If your brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your hats off! [House explodes on the square]

Lorraine:
[tearful] Everything in my life gets ruined, Nigel. I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with me!

Nigel:
[comforting] No, don't be silly. There's nothing wrong with you.

Lorraine:
Well, I'm not so sure.

Nigel:
Well, I am! I think you're wonderful.

Lorraine:
[smiles] Thanks.

Nigel:
No, really.

[pause]

Nigel:
I love you, Lorraine.

Lorraine:
[shocked] Wh... What?

Nigel:
I love you! I've been meaning to tell you for ages. I just keep losing my nerve.

Lorraine:
Nigel...

Nigel:
I'm sorry. I don't want to upset you. I just couldn't keep it to myself a moment longer. It's been going round and round in my head. I haven't been able to think about anything else for weeks.

Lorraine:
Don't.

Nigel:
I want to be with you, Lorraine! I want to take care of you. I haven't felt anything like this since Debs died.

Lorraine:
Look... Nigel, I really like you but...

Nigel:
[disappointed] But... but not like that.

Lorraine:
I am so sorry.

Nigel:
No, no. I'm... I'm sorry. It's stupid of me to presume.

Lorraine:
No, no, it's not!

Nigel:
It is. You are much too good for me.

Lorraine:
Oh, I'm not, Nigel.

Nigel:
Well, you're beautiful. Why should you ever be interested in me?

Lorraine:
It's not you!

Nigel:
What then?

Lorraine:
There's someone else.

[a drunk Phil has been drinking heavily because his marriage to Kathy has broken down. Phil is talking to Grant when he is interrupted by Kathy]

Phil:
Oh, look who it is... come here, darling and give me a great big cuddle. Isn't she amazing, eh? She's knocking on a bit. She ain't bad. She's what I used to refer to, in my younger days, as an OBG. That stands for oldie but goodie. I can see why you fancied her, Grant. But she's a bit of a disappointment when she gets her kit off. That is when you see the tell-tale signs. No offence, Kath. But it's as well as he knows in advance.

Irene:
[on the same day of their wedding] Oh no!

Terry:
Well that's a nice way for the bride to greet the groom on the morning of our wedding.

Irene:
The whole idea of you staying away larst nigh' is tha' we wouldn't see each other before I got to the church.

Terry:
You don't believe all tha' supersticious nonsense, do you?

Irene:
It's not nonsense, it's tradition. Now you've gone and spoilt it!

Terry:
Gimme a break.

Irene:
And look a' the state of ya!

Terry:
Well you're not exactly Naomi Campbell yourself. [Irene storms off] Irene, come back, it's a joke!

Peggy:
No-one wants you, Pat! Frank left you, your boys left you... and now Roy's left you!

Pat:
[shouts] You think Frank wants you - mutton dressed as lamb?

Peggy:
[shouts] You cow!

[she throws a wineglass at Pat who ducks]

Pat:
Ooh! Temper, temper!

Peggy:
Anyway, you're nothing to write home about. No wonder Roy can't do it!

Pat:
[shouts] How dare you!

[she throws a wineglass at Peggy who ducks]

Peggy:
[shouts] I'll flaming well kill you!

[Peggy knocks table over, Pat grabs her]

Pat:
[shouts] You get off of me!

Peggy:
[shouts] You take back what you said!

Pat:
[slapping Peggy] [shouts] You b*tch!

Peggy:
[slapping Pat] [shouts] You cow!

Phil:
I ain't talkin' about anybody else. I'm talkin' about Kathy!

Grant:
Kathy, Sharon, Tiffany, what's the difference?

Jamie:
[about to have sex] Shouldn't we... take precautions?

Janine:
You mean lock the door?

Robbie:
[as Steve Owen is about to leave the Queen Vic] Murderer.

Steve:
[turns round angrily] No you're wrong. Because I'm not a murderer. Right now it's my turn. You're all gonna be on my side of it. I came to Walford, because the woman I loved, yeah Saskia, was unfaithful to me. Ya know I just wanted to start a new life that's all! But she found me, and she wouldn't let me. She wasn't happy until she ruined it all! And then she tried to kill me.

Dot:
We've 'eard it all before. If you was innocent, why didn't you call the police?

Steve:
[emotionally] Because I panicked! I wasn't just scared, I was terrified! I hid her because I knew you react in EXACTLY the same way you're all doing now! And I was still scared when they came to arrest us. I admit I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in prison. I thought if I'd blame Matthew and he'd blame me, not either one of us would end up going to prison! And Dot, Dot you're right. It was an evil, evil thing that I did. But 'ow do you think everyday I felt Matt was locked up inside?

Jamie:
Then you should've phoned up.

Steve:
Listen whether you believe it not, I don't find it very easy to live with. The same with what I've done to Saskia. And yeah, yeah I deserve everything I get! But the only reason I hit her was because she was strangling me. I had to get her off. I swear to you all, it was self-defense. So you lot can just say what you like! But don't you [points to Jamie] or any one of you EVER call me a murderer.

Beppe:
[kindly] Pint of lager Dan, whatever Steve's having.

Steve:
[calmer] Thanks Beppe. I'll have a large scotch.

[elderly Ethel Skinner starts a conversation with Jeff who she has recently met]

Ethel:
Have you and Pauline been at it for long?

Jeff:
I beg your pardon.

Ethel:
Well... courting!

Jeff:
Oh! Yeah, we've been seeing each other for a while now.

Ethel:
Do you know all about contradiction?

Jeff:
[confused] Err.

Ethel:
Condoms!

Jeff:
Oh! Yeah, well I think we are both a bit too old to be worrying about that.

Ethel:
Oh, no, you're not. Pauline doesn't know where you've been!

[Rosa's teenage daughter, Nicky, has run away from home. Rosa has a serious talk with Nicky's maths tutor, Rodney Morris, in the cafe]

Rodney Morris:
Your daughter's a very attractive young woman.

Rosa:
My daughter is a child.

Rodney Morris:
She didn't look like a child. Not that night, not with the make-up and the clothes and the perfume. I'm not trying to excuse myself but she was coming on to me. I swear I didn't make the first move.

Rosa:
Coming on to you?

Rodney Morris:
Getting so close. Rubbing herself against me. I lost control. I responded.

Rosa:
How?

Rodney Morris:
I kissed her. She was enjoying it so... only I forgot she was only fifteen and...

Rosa:
What did you do?

[silence]

Rosa:
[angry] You disgust me!

Rodney Morris:
I'm going to the police. I wanted you to know that, I'm going to admit to the charge of sexual assault and I'm going to withdraw the charges against your son.

Rosa:
Some children never come home. Their parents never see them again. They never know if they're alive or dead.

Rodney Morris:
You cannot hate me as much as I hate myself.

Rosa:
Don't you believe it! [storms off]

[15-year-old Sonia is unaware she is pregnant. She unexpectedly gives birth to a baby girl. Sonia's friend, Natalie, rushes into the pub to talk to Sonia's boyfriend, Jamie]

Natalie:
Jamie, you better come right this minute!

Jamie:
Go away, alright.

Natalie:
Jamie, Sonia's had it!

Peggy:
Had it?

Natalie:
They're taking her to the hospital now.

Jim:
Sonia? What's wrong?

Peggy:
Sonia's had it? What you saying?

Natalie:
Jamie!

Barry:
What's going on? Is Sonia hurt?

Jim:
Hurt? She's hurt!

Dot:
Who? Who's hurt?

Natalie:
It's a girl, Jamie! A baby girl!

[stunned silence]

Peggy:
But one thing I've learnt since I've been married to Mr Butcher is never underestimate his capacity to make a cock-up of things.

Janine:
You weren't a good wife to dad anyway. And do you know what, I don't blame him for what he did.

Peggy:
What did you say?

Janine:
You heard me! You're a witch. All you ever did was nag 'im and nag 'im. Pat made dad happy, Peggy. At least she was a real woman. [Peggy slaps her]

Nick:
'Ello, Phil, your hairs different.

Phil:
So will your teeth be if you don't keep your mouth shut.

[unbeknown to Dot her son, Nick, has turned up in Albert Square]

Ashley:
Good sleep, grandma?

Dot:
Well, no. Now that you mention it I didn't. I had this queer dream. I was living in a little house in the Square and there were all these nasty black storm clouds gathering. And they were gathering over me. No one else.

Charlie:
[threatening to drop a car on Garry after suspecting him of cheating on Lynne] You're pizza!

[Pauline is fighting to raise Sonia's daughter]

Sonia:
*You* want to bring up Chloe? You couldn't bring up phlegm!

[tempers flare up at a charity benefit event to raise money for wheelchair-bound Nick Cotton]

Peggy:
Now listen here, Nick Cotton, I've had enough of you for one night! Everyone's worked their guts off all night to make this evening work for you. And what have you done? Just sit there and sneer. You're nothing but an ungrateful little wretch!

Nick Cotton:
You want a speech? I give you gratitude! Well, I thank everyone... my heart of my bottom for coming here tonight. It's been a real pleasure to be talked down to and stared at. But most of all I'd like to thank the man who made it all possible, the man who put me in this chair in the first place. Mark Fowler!

Nick Cotton:
Roll up! Roll up! Have a look at the cripple. Only ten pence a stare!

Kat:
[eats an olive] There are a bit sour for grapes, ain't they?

Barry:
Well, that's because they're olives!

Kat:
Well, then, give them back to her!

Laura:
Where were we meant to be going tonight? And what was with all that cloak and dagger stuff earlier?

Ian:
I wanted to ask you something. You know something important. I worked it all out last night actually. We were to be stood on Waterloo Bridge, lights reflecting in the water, city skyline over there. I was going to pour us both a glass of champagne. I was going to turn to you and I was going to say... Laura will you be my wife?

Sharon:
Hello Peggy, bet you never thought you'd see me again!

Kat:
You ain't pregnant are you?

Zoe:
Do you mind. I'm not Sonia Jackson. I'm not a complete retard.

[Janine is in a bad mood because Terry's date, Margaret, stayed the night. Margaret is in the kitchen cooking a fried breakfast for herself and Terry]

Janine:
I thought you were staying for dinner, not breakfast!

Margaret:
Actually Janine I've just made some. Want to join us?

Janine:
No, thank you. And a word of advice. Terry shouldn't have fried food. Gives him wind.

Terry:
Janine!

Janine:
Because actually I'm going to get some fresh air. There's a funny smell in here.

Terry:
Smell?

Janine:
Sort of between mothballs and a joss stick. See ya.

Garry:
[trying to remember the ten commandments] Oh, I know! Thou shalt not tell porkies about thy neighbour... or pinch stuff off him including the bloke's wife.

Phil:
[Talking about Dan Sullivan] You don't know him like I do. He slept with Bianca Jackson, split her and Ricky up. He made my Mum's life a misery when he was here. He beat up Jamie while I was in hospital. He's threatened EVERYBODY that I care about. He's a BULLY.

Sharon:
Some people might say that about you.

Phil:
No, no - if I hurt somebody, it's because they deserve it. He does it out of habit and for fun.

Zoe:
[shouts] You can't tell me what to do, you ain't my mother!

Kat:
[shouts] Yes I am!

Belinda:
I hope they take plastic

Kat:
Why? You gonna getcha b*obs out?

Kat:
Belle, you want anything?... Pancakes and maple syrup?

Belinda:
Want?

Lynne:
Sort your hair out you dozy cow.

Zoe:
[to Kat] You don't tell me what to do! YOU AIN'T MY MOTHER!

[storms off]

Kat:
[screaming after her] YES I AM!

Harry:
You really hate me, don't you?

Kat:
'ate you? No. I just think you're a fat old perv.

Harry:
You loved me once.

Kat:
I loved Father Christmas and all but he didn't touch me up.

Harry:
It wasn't just me. You were always going around in that little miniskirt.

Kat:
That was my school uniform.

Harry:
And the make-up.

Kat:
I used to walk around in mum's high heels when I was three. Up for it then, was I? You see you can't 'urt me any more, Harry. You can't make me believe it was my fault. [pause] You got me pregnant.

Harry:
[whispers] What?

Kat:
Didn't know that, did you? The most beautiful little girl in the world she is. She's seventeen now.

Harry:
What's happened to her?

Kat:
Mum and dad brought her up as their own. Yeah. Zoe. And I told her what you did. She 'ates you.

Harry:
You b*tch!

Kat:
[sarcastic] What? You mean I ain't your special little girl any more.

Garry:
[flirting with Sharon at the Vic's Halloween party] Those apples ain't the only things bobbing, Shazza!

Peggy:
I said get out, you cheap peroxide old bag!

Pauline:
Oh, yeah? And what's this? Strawberry blonde at seventy! That's "real" is it?

Peggy:
Shut up! I'm *not* seventy!

Pauline:
No, but you look it!

Roy:
[after ordering Nathan to leave] It's not because you're illegitimate; it's because you're a *bastard*!

Kat:
I had a great-aunt once, she spent 50 years on the throne.

[after Little Mo recalls saying she felt like Cinderella on their wedding day]

Trevor:
It's nearly midnight... It was midnight was it not? When Cinderella's world fell apart?

Trevor:
[just before the room blows up] So we live to fight another day.

Trevor:
[caught in the fire at the Slaters'] I cannae see straight!

Alfie:
It's my third date tonight and I am going to be doing coq au vin.

Kat:
[laughingly jokes] I thought that was sex in a lorry.

Alfie:
I'm skint, all right? I got nothing. I've run 'alfway across London and I'm having a *very* bad night! I've been used, abused, robbed and run over...and they call it safe sex.

Kat:
You must be Mr. Big.

Andy:
And who are you? Mrs. Big Mouth?

Kat:
Got it in one.

Dennis:
[Phil and Dennis are fighting in the Arches] Come on, Mitchell. Let's 'ave it!

Phil:
You want some, do ya, eh?

[shouts]

Phil:
You want some?

Sharon:
[Sharon is looking for Phil in the Vic to confront him about Dennis being beaten up the day before] Phil?

Phil:
You lookin' for me?

Sharon:
Get up. Or are you too yellow to fight a woman today?

Phil:
You wanna watch your mouth.

Sharon:
Or what? You'll send the heavies round like you did yesterday to Dennis?

Phil:
I dunno what you're talking about.

Sharon:
That ain't worthy of ya, Phil.

Phil:
Sharon, do me a favour. Go home. I got no argument with you.

Sharon:
Oh, I think you have. Beating up my brother, that's one thing. But you didn't even have the guts to do it yourself! What's the matter, Phil? Too scared to get your hands dirty?

Phil:
I'm scared of *no-one*.

Sharon:
Oh, you've got a funny way of showing it.

Phil:
You don't know what you're talking about.

Sharon:
I know I came to see you this morning as a friend and you told me a bare-faced lie!

Phil:
No, I didn't! I told you I never touched him. And that's absolutely true

Sharon:
Oh very noble, so long as the words are right! You had Dennis done over on the day I came to wish you and Kate Well! That is *not* the Phil I used to know! That is *not* what I call strong

Phil:
Yeah, well you can call it what you want

Sharon:
A Mitchell who can't hold his hands up for what he's done? A Mitchell who needs hired help? You'd never catch your Grant being so pathetic; He'd die of shame first!

Phil:
Well, you CAN compare us; you was happy to sleep with both of us after all, weren't ya? [Sharon slaps him, onlooks wince, he retaliates, everyone gasps]

Alfie:
There was no need for that!

Jim:
Should say so! Wouldn't have happened in my day!

Patrick:
You just don't hit a woman you know? Apologise!

Phil:
I'm sorry.

Sharon:
Oh, Save it, Phil.

Patrick:
No, No. Let the man apologise.

Sharon:
You know, I even thought I loved you once. But now I can see you for what you are; You're just another East End Wideboy, just another thug!

Phil:
And what are you, Daughter of Den Watts, The widest wideboy in the whole of Walford. And your brother, he's *nothing*! He *deserved* what he got.

Dennis:
Did you love him?

Sharon:
Why do you keep going on about Phil?

Dennis:
Did you?

Sharon:
It was all a long time ago but yes. Yes, I did.

Dennis:
[Dennis grunts]

Sharon:
[shouts] That's really hard for you to get your head around, isn't it? That men and women can love each other. That it's not just about taking what you can get. All right, Dennis, make it easier on yourself. I was using him for sex.

Dennis:
Use me instead.

Den:
[to Sharon after returning from "the dead"] Hello, princess.

Sharon:
I was a bit short with Pauline, bit her head off.

Dennis:
She'll grow a new one!

Den:
Big constables.

Janine:
[about Barry who died in a fall] If only he hadn't been so romantic! If only he just didn't have so much love in him! If only he'd worn slip-on shoes!

Pat:
[referring to Barry's passport that Janine threw into a bin bag after Barry died] What are you playing at throwing this away?

Janine:
Well, he's not going to need it where he has gone to, is he?

Janine:
[talking to police officers about the night she and Laura had a fight] I'm not sure, she just came at me shouting things for God knows what reason. She was pretty drunk.

Two Police Officers:
What about you, were you drinking?

Janine:
No, I never drink.

Chrissie:
Do you know how pathetic you are right now? Look at yourself, Den. Look at the lines on your face. All those years and you've learnt nothing. There is no going back. There is no fooling around for the next twenty years. You're getting old, Den. This is it for you. The last flicker. Hanging on to the last of your looks. And you've just lost the one person who could have loved you. Loved you right to the end.

Den Watts:
[after Ian punches him for sleeping with Kate] I always said to Pete your boxing lessons were useless!

Dot:
She said... "Don't ask for the moon. We have the stars."

Jim:
Well, that's us, innit, eh? I mean, we're not gonna to set the world on fire, are we, Dorothy, eh? I mean it's just you and me, innit? That's all we've got.

Jim:
You've got more important things to worry about than me.

Dot:
No I haven't, have I? Cos I ain't scared of dying. I mean this thing what's eating away inside, well, it's horrible, but Jesus look after me. So I ain't scared of dying... And I ain't that scared of the pain and losing my dignity, or my pride. No... what worries me is leaving you behind.

Jim:
Oh, Dorothy...

Dot:
I mean that ain't going to happen, is it? Cos whatever it is inside me, it can't touch what counts, can it? It can't kill love. And I got that, Jim. I know I'm loved.

Dennis:
So, you all set then?

Dot:
Yeah. I didn't want to go without saying goodbye.

Dennis:
And I wouldn't want you to, either. Not after all you've done for me. It means a lot, you being there.

Dot:
Well, in that case, I want paying back. Cos I don't think you got no idea of what a thoroughly decent young man you are.

Dennis:
No?

Dot:
No. And I expect you to make the very best of all the raw materials at your deposal cos you are capable of great things, Dennis Rickman, and I believe in you. And anyone what don't, is no judge of human nature.

Dennis:
Or maybe you're just seeing something that no-one else can?

Dot:
No I ain't.

[pause]

Dot:
I'm proud of you.

Dennis:
[kisses her on the cheek] I'll see you when you get back.

Chrissie:
If you ever betray me again, Den, I'll kill you.

Den:
OK.

Chrissie:
No, I mean it. [pause] I'll kill you.

Den:
All right, I got it.

Chrissie:
Good.

Ian:
I'll be back.

Jane:
Yes, Arnie.

Sam:
Andy, look... Ian's just made a Christmas cake for us.

Andy:
We are going to be clinically obese.

Sam:
Yeah, but you'll still love me when I'm fat, won't you?

Andy:
No.

Paul:
[last words before being driven off to his death] Make it quick, mate.

Chrissie:
I love your father very much and heaven help me I've learnt to love you lot as well. But for once in your selfish miserable lives [shouts and throws a bowl onto the floor] could you not wait until after dinner!

[outside The Queen Victoria pub Jim and Derek sing God Rest You Merry, Gentlemen. An angry-looking Den opens the door and the singing stops]

Dot:
Merry Christmas.

Den:
Go away.

Pauline:
[shocked] We've come for our Christmas dinner!

Den:
Christmas is cancelled. [slams door]

Chrissie:
[throwing a bowl of roast potatoes at Sharon, Dennis and Den] For once in your selfish little lives could you at least wait until *after* dinner?

Nana Moon:
[Alfie contemplates leaving the Square after Den Watts has chucked the Moons out of the Vic] Are you gonna let that dark lord across the road win?

Danny:
[to Dennis after he punched Jake in the Square] The next time you touch my brother, you won't be servin' spirits, you'll *be* one!

[a naive Lucy has recounted a story about her dad, Ian, and Jane. She has noticed uncharacteristic behaviour such as her dad plays music in his bedroom nowadays]

Stacey:
You do know they'll doing it, don't you?

Lucy:
What you think they... you know... gone all the way?

Stacey:
It sounds to me like they've gone all the way, turned round and come back again!

Johnny:
[before pushing Andy over the flyover] Enjoy your flight!

Den:
[last words] You'll never get me out of the Vic!

Sam:
I want The Vic. Not half of it - all of it - else I'll tell Zoe... everything.

Chrissie:
Over my dead body - now get *out* of my pub, Sam!

[grabs her and flings her out into the street]

Chrissie:
Oh, and by the way - you're fired!

Stacey:
The two birds that run the pub, they're right up themselves. The bird in the caf? she's a bit up herself but not too bad. Yolande in the shop, she's up herself. She's all right sometimes. Pauline in the launderette, she's a right old dragon and she's up herself. The other one just goes on about God all day. My Nan's a battleaxe. My cousin Mo's all right but my cousin Zo?, wait till you get a load of her. She's so far up herself she's coming back out again!

Ruby:
Do you ever say anything nice about anyone?

Johnny:
[catching her flirting with a stranger] Tina, what the *hell's* the matter with you?

Tina:
What?

Johnny:
You're 40, not 14!

Chrissie:
[to Den, buried underneath the floor in her basement] You'd be so proud of me, darling, do you know that? I'm really sorting those girls out. I'm not leaving anything to chance. I'm starting to enjoy it. And do you know what the irony is? The only person who could appreciate how well I'm doing - is you.

Dot:
Pauline, what an earth's going on?

Pauline:
They've taken my dog.

Dot:
The police have?

Pauline:
[shouts] Yes, just now!

Dot:
They've arrested Betty?

Jim:
[Den's coffin is struggling to go through the doors of the Vic] Maybe you should lend them your doorstop.

[at the graveyard Chrissie is giving Den's eulogy when Peggy unexpectedly arrives]

Peggy:
[shouts] Chrissie Watts! Murderer!

Chrissie:
Peggy!

Peggy:
[shouts] Look at you, standing there like butter wouldn't melt!

Pauline:
Peggy!

Dot:
Oh my Lord!

Chrissie:
What are you talking about?

Peggy:
[shouts] Funny that's just the question I asked Sam!

Chrissie:
Peggy, we've been through all this.

Peggy:
[angry] This time I actually listened to the answer!

Pat:
Peggy, this really isn't the time or place.

Peggy:
[angry] This is exactly the time and place to tell the whole world [shouts] what a lying little tart she is!

Jim:
Oh, blimey!

Peggy:
[angry] Dressed in your widow's weave, Bible in your hand, pouring your heart out when all the time it was *you* who put him in that box in the first flaming place!

Jake:
Sam put Den in that box, Peggy.

Peggy:
[angry] Tell him. Tell us all before it's too late. Go on... get it off your chest. Do something right for once in your miserable little life. Tell us what you did to him. [shouts] Tell him you're sorry!

Chrissie:
Peggy, I've had enough of this.

Peggy:
[shouts] I said tell him!

[slaps Chrissie hard across the face. Chrissie falls into the open grave onto Den's coffin]

Sharon:
Peggy!

Peggy:
[shouts, looking at Chrissie in the grave] Tell Den you're sorry! Tell Den!

Johnny:
Peggy, what are you having?

Peggy:
I'd rather burn in hell than take a drink from you!

Johnny:
Really? Why wait 'till then?

Dennis:
Ah well, we all have our little secrets, don't we?

Chrissie:
Really, do we?

Dennis:
Something Den said, actually. That everyone has a skeleton in their closet.

Chrissie:
Really? What's yours?

Dennis:
Mine's best left where it is. What about you?

Chrissie:
Come on, that's not fair, if you're not going to tell me yours.

Dennis:
OK. I killed a man once.

Sharon:
Dennis!

Dennis:
What about you?

Chrissie:
No, I'm afraid you've got me beat there.

Dennis:
Really?

Sharon:
Maybe we should change the subject.

Dennis:
Yeah, yeah, you're probably right. Terrible things, secrets. They always have a habit of coming back and haunting you.

Jake:
You know what? I probably could manage a bit of that ice cream after all.

Sharon:
Yeah, me too.

Chrissie:
Well, I'm sure I could dig something up from somewhere.

Grant:
What happened in the past, I'm over it. We're good.

[shake hands]

Phil:
Sorry for trying to shoot you.

Grant:
Sorry for trying to drown you.

Grant:
You go near our mum again, old man, and you'll be eating soup through a straw.

Johnny:
I love it. Good thug, bad thug. Brilliant.

Tina:
Why don't you go to bed?

Johnny:
I like the sofa. Doesn't nag.

Sharon:
It was obvious, Chrissie. Laying a false trail. And then doing it a second time. Well, that really was too obvious, don't you think?

Chrissie:
Well, you really are your father's daughter, Sharon. I'll give you that. No shaking you off either.

Sharon:
"I may not be the first woman in your life but I'll certainly be the last." That's what you said to dad, wasn't it? [pause] Wasn't it?

Sharon:
Well, this may not be the first time that this has happened to you.

[punches Chrissie in the face]

Sharon:
[shouts] And I hope it won't be the last!

Mo:
Put a penny in a jar for every time you make love for the first six months, and then take a penny out every time there after, and the sad fact is you'll never have an empty jar. Not even if you live to be a hundred.

Dennis:
Well, thanks for that, Mo. You've really cheered me up.

Chrissie:
You know what, Gail, you really remind me of some girls that I use to know.

Gail:
Yeah, mates of yours?

Chrissie:
Sam and Zoe. And I thought they were thick, til I met you.

Dennis:
[last words to Sharon] We did it.

Billy:
You better get out of here cause otherwise there's going to be trouble.

[holds up a wooden spoon]

Jack:
What you gonna do, Billy? Stir me to death?

Stacey:
[Bradley wants to sleep with Stacey for the first time and makes a clumsy pass at her in an alleyway] What were you gonna do? Bend me over the bins?

Billy:
[Jack gives Honey and Billy money] What's this?

Jack:
Well, they don't call it grandfather for nothing.

Billy:
A grand. Are you giving us a grand?

Honey:
Is that really why they call it grandfather?

Ruby:
I want you to confess.

Johnny:
I can't.

Ruby:
Why?

Johnny:
Because I'm Johnny Allen.

Ruby:
And who's he? A butcher of people?

Johnny:
People. It's not as if they're whales, is it? Or giant pandas. I mean they're not exactly an endangered species, are they? There's always plenty of people around, aren't there?

Ruby:
I loved you so much, dad.

Johnny:
Well, you know what they say? It's always better to be *feared* than to be loved.

Peggy:
What are you doing?

Honey:
I'm hiding.

Peggy:
Who from?

Honey:
That's the Reverend who refused to marry us.

Peggy:
Oh, is it now...

Honey:
Yeah, well thanks to him my baby is going to be born illiterate.

Little Mo:
[Waiting for Oliver to talk to her, while he holds a stuffed monkey toy] Who's gonna speak first, I wonder; you or the monkey?

Peggy:
I wish you'd stop going on about that stupid curse.

Honey:
Peggy, don't curse the curse, you'll make it worse.

[first lines]

Sean:
Stacey!

Tracey:
Phil, someone called Stella here, from the lawyer's office.

Honey:
She's never going to learn to read.

Billy:
Of course she will.

Honey:
How do you know?

Billy:
I can manage it and I'm thick, I'm sure my daughter's gunna get the hang of it.

Honey:
You're not thick Billy.

Billy:
Well that's what the other kids at school called me.

Honey:
But you didn't have Downs Syndrome did you.

Billy:
What did you say? Downs Syndrome?

Honey:
Yes, they used to call them Mongols.

Billy:
Nah, it aint true, it's a mistake...

Charlie:
You wanna try and get your mind busy, like when I'm in the cab; work's a bit slow, I pull out my Sudoku.

Sean:
[laughs] Is that what you call it these days is it? You know I can just see you, rainy afternoon in Soho up them sticky red stairs.

Charlie:
Ey?

Sean:
Actually you're more of a booth man intcha? Peeking through a slat.

Charlie:
What?

Sean:
A slat!

Winston:
Oi, he could have killed me!

Ian:
It's obvious my lad's been nobbled. I mean that Jase and his lad, they've given him something that's made him feel sick.

Peter:
Dad, it was the fish...

Ian:
And it's obviously made him delirious as well. It wasn't the fish, all right?

Pat:
Well, you said it, me and Frank, cut from the same cloth, we understood each other.

Peggy:
You'll be telling me he wanted you for your mind.

Pat:
We were soul mates.

Peggy:
Ha! Will you listen to yourself you stupid fat old tart, the only thing Frank Butcher wanted from you, was sex.

Phil:
You okay?

Peggy:
I'm gonna show my face at this funeral, I'm gonna say the right words, nod in the right places, but none of it's gonna mean a thing, it's an act, Frank Butcher is dead and gone and I couldn't care less, I don't give a fig.

Diane:
My partner's just qualified as a doctor.

Janine:
So you've settled down then?

Diane:
Yeah, nearly three years now.

Janine:
What's his name?

Diane:
Suzanne.

Janine:
Great...

Peggy:
[shouts] Get out of my pub!

Pat:
With pleasure, oh, and just remember this Peggy, it was my pub before it was yours, mine and Frank's, this was my kitchen, along the hall was my bedroom, mine and Frank's bedroom, we were happy here.

Peggy:
[slaps Pat] You b*tch!

Pat:
[slaps Peggy] You cow!

Pat:
[Trying to prevent Janine's marriage to an elderly Jewish man using an assumed name] That's not Judith Bernstein, that's Janine Butcher - I should know, she's my stepdaughter... and she's about as Jewish as a bacon sandwich!

Syed:
[Meeting for the first time] I'm Syed.

Christian:
Christian.

Syed:
Muslim!

Peggy:
I'm gonna give you a choice. A straight choice. I want you out of this pub by tonight, or you're gonna regret every rotten, evil, little thing you've ever done.

Archie:
I see, it's a threat. The answer's no.

Peggy:
I don't think you know who you're dealing with 'ere. I'm not some cuddly little old lady: I'm Peggy Mitchell! I'm old East End. Real East End. Proper. You don't mess with me.

Ben:
[to Jordan before striking him with spanner after pushing him to the floor] You need slapping down!

Bianca:
[Referring to Sam Mitchell standing by the bar at R&R] Oh, what does she look like?

Pat:
Like she's been poured into that dress and forgotten to say 'when'!

Ben Mitchell:
I'm going to tell you who I am.

Phil Mitchell:
You're a kid. You don't know who you are.

Ben Mitchell:
Yes, yes, I do. And so do you. I've seen the way you look at me. Dad I'm... I'm gay. And I can't pretend I'm not any more. I'm gay.

[whilst in the cafe Norman's mobile phone beeps. He looks at his phone]

Norman Simmonds:
Oh, no!

[Jean walks into the cafe]

Jean Slater:
You're here! You haven't answered any of my texts!

Norman Simmonds:
Well, I wasn't sure which one to reply to. There were fourteen of them. Well, fifteen now.

Jean Slater:
The one about dinner.

Norman Simmonds:
Oh, yeah.

Jean Slater:
I was wondering... if... you might like... a home-cooked meal sometime.

Norman Simmonds:
Oh, that'd be lovely. What we having?

Jean Slater:
Sausage surprise! I'm known for it around here.

Norman Simmonds:
Oh. Saturday night, perhaps?

Jean Slater:
Perfecto.

[Jean walks off]

Cora Cross:
You know that film Fatal Attraction?

Norman Simmonds:
The one with the bunny boiler? Yeah, why?

Cora Cross:
You're in it.

[phone beeps]

Norman Simmonds:
Oh, no!

Cora Cross:
That'll be her.

Norman Simmonds:
That's sixteen now.

[Janine has accepted Michael's marriage proposal and cuddles up to him]

Michael Moon:
This is going to be the start of massive things for us. [pause] Happy?

Janine Butcher:
I love you. [pause] That's why you have to sign a prenup. I said that I didn't want to end up rich and alone and I definitely don't want to end up skint and alone. [pause] Let's conquer the world, baby!

Lola Pearce:
[angrily shouts] I said back off and leave her alone!

Alexa:
Get out of my way. First I'm going to deal with you. Then that little posh cow friend of yours. Then that little rat-faced baby. Think I'll give her her first kicking. Put some colour in her cheeks.

Lola Pearce:
You touch my baby and I'll swear...

Alexa:
What you going to do? You going to cry? Boo hoo.

Lola Pearce:
I'll kill you.

Alexa:
Try it. [pause] That baby's dead. Do you hear me? She's dead.

Masood Ahmed:
Carol has ended things. It's over.

Tamwar Masood:
I'm sorry.

Shabnam Masood:
I'm not. Carol can see the obvious even if you can't. It's not right you being with a white woman.

Cora Cross:
I smoked and drank all through my pregnancies, didn't affect my girls.

Shirley Carter:
Oh, no, only one got cancer and the other one was a junkie.

Aleks Shirovs:
You listen to me. I'm not a liar. I said I like you because I mean it. You're funny. You're a mad woman in tart clothes. You're more than enough woman for any man. More than a handful if you know what I'm saying.

Roxy Mitchell:
Are you calling me fat?

Aleks Shirovs:
I'm saying I'm surprised to have fallen in love with somebody whose skirt shows her bottom!

[the armed police are escorting Sharon, Billy and Ronnie out of the house. Sharon's dress is covered in blood]

Ian Beale:
Sharon. Sharon! Are you OK?

Billy Mitchell:
It's Phil. He's been shot!

Ian Beale:
Again?

Dean Wicks:
Don't you worry about Phil Mitchell. He'll survive anything. He'd survive a nuclear holocaust and end up becoming king of the cockroaches.

[talking about Emma Summerhayes]

Ian Beale:
Max, anyone can see that she's an unhappy, lonely woman. I mean, just the sort that you like to prey on. I'm sure she'll see through you in the end. The way they always do.

Abi Branning:
You think that you are so special, but my dad has always gone for anyone who's shown him a little bit of affection. So when he cheats on you, Emma, which he will, I will be there with a *big* smile on my face.

Tanya Cross:
I couldn't miss your big day, could I? Even if it does mean bumping into the bald ginger one. How's Adam?

Mick Carter:
You alright?

Ian Beale:
We will be.

Dot Branning:
I've got a lovely cellmate. Bernie. Heart of gold, mouth like a sewer.

Patrick Trueman:
Sharon told me that your cellmate was an arsonist.

Dot Branning:
Well, she ain't set me alight yet.

[Carol talks about her mastectomy]

Carol Jackson:
What bloke is going to ever look at me?

Shirley Carter:
Is that all you think you are? A pair of b*obs? Carol, I am the last person to big you up but you are an attractive woman. You need to get out there.

Shirley Carter:
I'm not all claws and fiery breath. Underneath I'm all warm and fuzzy.

Claudette Hubbard:
How spicy do you like your lamb, Patrick?

Patrick Trueman:
As spicy as the chef.

Claudette Hubbard:
So we're talking extra hot?

Fatboy:
[Seeing Roxy and Dean] Beauty and the Beast out in public, then?

Donna:
Roxy's not that bad!

Fatboy:
[laughing] You're terrible, you!

Dot Branning:
I would leave her to stew in her own juice but I can feel Jesus watching me.

Carol Jackson:
When you've brought up four kids, had more heartache than anyone should have to bear and then gone 10 rounds with cancer and come out laughing, you want more than ending up a cardigan-wearing nan in Milton Keynes.

Ben Mitchell:
Jane, Mum can't go out - end of, yeah? You know what happens to the undead in daylight.

Martin Fowler:
You look great, Auntie Kath. Death really suits you.

Les Coker:
I'm Christine. Christine is me.

Gavin Sullivan:
Hello, princess.

Mick Carter:
Sorry about Elaine. I left her in charge for a day. The power has gone to her nut.

Billy Mitchell:
I'm your bee. You're my Honey. And I want to taste you.

Billy Mitchell:
[I will] take you to Upton Park.

Will Mitchell:
I don't like football.

Billy Mitchell:
Well that's alright. Neither do West Ham.

Tamwar Masood:
That to me is what Islam is about: Be kind to people, family and strangers alike, and love them.

Honey Mitchell:
As a totally uninteresting observer, do you think I'm stupid?

Elaine Peacock:
This is going to be the greatest Nativity since the one Jesus was in.

Elaine Peacock:
[to children rehearsing a Nativity play] One more time, from the Immaculate Conception.

Stacey Branning:
I'm not in labor...

Martin Fowler:
I dreamed he was early. It's proper, thick snow. I'm rushing around to find the keys, and we're on the M1 and Jeremy Corbyn's in the back, banging on about Trident or something.

Stacey Branning:
You ought to stop drinking.

[handing Angie their divorce papers on Christmas Day]

Den Watts:
This, my sweet, is a letter from my solicitor telling you that your husband has filed a petition for divorce. It also tells you to get yourself a solicitor pretty damn quick. Happy Christmas, Ange!

Arthur Fowler:
Reg.

Ali Osman:
He's dead!

Den Watts:
Dead drunk.

Ali Osman:
No, he's dead!

Arthur Fowler:
No, no, he's not. I can still feel his pulse.

[first line, after Den kicks the door in]

Den Watts:
Cor, stinks in 'ere, dunnit?

[last lines]

Nick Cotton:
Barred? Stuff your poxy boozer!

[he puts his fist through the glass in the window]

Mark Fowler:
Alright, so I nicked dinner money to buy fags and some days I bunk off. And yes, I'm afraid I'll be leaving school without a CSE. Quite honestly dad I don't care. [mumbles] School's a load of crap.

Pauline Fowler:
Mark!

Mark Fowler:
I admi' i' all. So wha'? Next question.

Arthur Fowler:
Alrigh', what abou' 'ome then; pinching money from your mum's purse, pinching 'er fags.

Mark Fowler:
I don'.

Arthur Fowler:
We know you do.

Pauline Fowler:
Look it seems it all boils down to smoking. If you didn' need money for cigarettes, you wouldn' be doing these things.

Mark Fowler:
Smoking's a big crime eh mum.

Arthur Fowler:
[angrily] Well you shouldn't be doing it! Not at your age, it's bloody ridiculous!

Mark Fowler:
What abou' mum then? Smoking when you're pregnant, even I know that's wrong!

Arthur Fowler:
We're talkin' abou' you, not mum! She's been smoking for twenty years, she's got the 'abit! But there's no need for you to ge' it too, is there? All it's doing for you is getting you into trouble! Anyway from now on, you get no pocket money.

Mark Fowler:
I get none anyway.

Arthur Fowler:
And dinner money! You get none of that either.

Mark Fowler:
What's the point of tha'?

Arthur Fowler:
Because I'm not forking out for you to spend on fags, am I!

Mark Fowler:
Well I'm even more likely to nick someone else's money an' all.

Arthur Fowler:
Are you takin' the mickey or wha'? Good God it's one thing that's the matter with you init. I've had to take the day of work to sor' ou' you and your troubles! Don't you care wha' happens to you? And what exactly are you gonna do, 'ave you though' abou' tha'?

Mark Fowler:
Much the same as you I expect dad. Si' around on my arse during the dark.

Pauline Fowler:
[gasps, and then slaps Mark on the face] Mark!

Mark Fowler:
Don' 'it me mum. I don't like it, it makes me loose my temper.

Pauline Fowler:
Get out, just get out. C'mon, I won't have you talking to your father like that. 'e's not a no good lay about skiver, I don't wanna see you the rest of the day! [Mark slams the door and exits. Pauline sighs]

Lou Beale:
Why d'ya want to bring more children into the world while you can't manage the ones you got? I can't think.

Pauline Fowler:
I'll, er, make us a nice cup of tea, shall I?

Lou Beale:
No thank you.

Pauline Fowler:
Please don't let's have an atmosphere. We've all got to live in the same house. At least let's be friendly. Arthur's still at the pub.

Lou Beale:
Is he?

Pauline Fowler:
Yeah. He wants to tell Pete and Kathy about the baby, we'd like them to know.

Lou Beale:
I see.

Pauline Fowler:
Look mum, why can't you just accept what's happened and be glad for us, eh? Ya know, you really upset Arthur today, he can't take that sort of aggro.

Lou Beale:
We one thing I will say for Pete and Kathy, at least they got a bi' of sense.

Pauline Fowler:
Yes well I wouldn't have dreamt of having an only child like they've got, and neither would you either in your day.

Lou Beale:
And as a result, look at 'em. Nice flat, smart clothes, TV with corners, gadgets everywhere.

Pauline Fowler:
Yeah well I'd rather 'ave a baby than things anyday!