Easy A

[from trailer]

Marianne:
There's a higher power that will judge you for your indecency.

Olive Penderghast:
Tom Cruise?

[from trailer]

Brandon:
Do you wanna go out with me?

Olive Penderghast:
Brandon, just a couple of hours ago you told me you were Kinsey 6 gay.

Brandon:
You said I should pretend to be straight.

Olive Penderghast:
I didn't mean with me!

Brandon:
I am tormented every day at school. Just one good, imaginary fling.

[from trailer]

Rosemary:
I had a similar situation when I was your age. I had a horrible reputation.

Olive Penderghast:
Why?

Rosemary:
Because I slept with a whole bunch of people. Mostly guys.

Olive Penderghast:
Mom!

Olive Penderghast:
[from trailer] A is for Awesome.

Olive Penderghast:
[from trailer] I'm not proud of this.

Olive Penderghast:
I just thought of the funniest thing. My name is an anagram for "I love".

Anson:
What... what's an anagram?

Olive Penderghast:
[stares in disbelief for a second before recovering] Look it up big boy.

Brandon:
Is there an Olive here?

Rosemary:
There's a whole jar of them in the fridge!

Olive Penderghast:
I might even lose my virginity to him. I don't know when it will happen. You know, maybe in five minutes, or tonight, or six months from now, or maybe on the night of our wedding. But the really amazing thing is, it is nobody's goddamn business.

Brandon:
I'm drunk. What's up, b*tches?

Principal Gibbons:
This is public school. If I can keep the girls off the pole and the boys off the pipe, I get a bonus.

Olive Penderghast:
Don't you think it's a little strange that your boyfriend is 22 years old and still in high school?

Marianne:
Not that it's any of your busniess, trollop, but he is here by choice.

Olive Penderghast:
So it's his choice that he's a fourth year senior who can't pass any test he takes?

Marianne:
No, silly,

[points up]

Marianne:
His. His, with a capital H. If God wanted him to graduate, then God would have given him the right answers.

Olive Penderghast:
[laughs] I'm sorry, but you gotta be shittin' me, woman.

Rosemary:
Any friend of Olive's is a friend of my daughter.

Olive Penderghast:
That's the one thing that trumps religion... capitalism.

Dill:
The family member of the week gets to pick the movie.

Olive Penderghast:
You get family member of the week every week.

Rosemary:
And there's a reason for that.

Olive Penderghast:
Yeah, you pick family member of the week!

Rosemary:
Are you accusing me of nepotism?

Mr. Griffith:
I don't know what your generation's fascination is with documenting your every thought... but I can assure you, they're not all diamonds. "Roman is having an OK day, and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station. Raise the roof." Who gives a rat's ass?

Olive Penderghast:
[Mocks interest] He got a Coke Zero AGAIN. Ah, that Roman. Incorrigible.

Rhiannon:
You're being pretty cavalier about this. Aren't you supposed to be eternally in love with him and sh*t?

Olive Penderghast:
Yes... I believe so, if I was the Gossip Girl in Sweet Valley of the Traveling Pants.

Mrs. Griffith:
I'm the guidance counselor. I should know all the students, especially the ones that dress like prostitutes.

Olive Penderghast:
We've had nine classes together since kindergarten... ten if you count Religion of Other Cultures, which you didn't because you called it science fiction and refused to go.

[first lines]

Olive Penderghast:
The rumors of my promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated.

Marianne:
[to Olive] You've made your bed... I just hope for your sake, you've cleaned the sheets.

Mrs. Griffith:
[about Micah] He's not the sharpest Christian in the bible.

Nina:
[spiteful] Perhaps you should embroider a red A on your wardrobe, you abominable tramp.

Olive Penderghast:
Perhaps you should get a wardrobe, you abominable twat.

Olive Penderghast:
[to Brandon as she takes off her panties] Relax. Jesus. What is with you gays? Are you really that repulsed by lady parts? What do you think I have down there? A gnome?

Olive Penderghast:
Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life.

Olive Penderghast:
[to Evan, about their imaginary tryst] I want a one hundred dollar gift card deposited into my locker by noon tomorrow. Preferably to the Gap, but I'd also take Amazon.com, or Office Max. Actually, make it Office Max - I have my eye on a label maker. We did not have sex. I let you fondle my chest, and it was a glorious moment for you. Unmatched by anything you have heretofore experienced... including cake.

Dill:
After we watch "The Bucket List," remember to cross "watch 'The Bucket List'" off our bucket list.

Olive Penderghast:
[about Natasha Bedingfield's "Pocketful of Sunshine"] Blech! Worst song ever!

Woodchuck Todd:
Screw all these people, Olive!

Olive Penderghast:
Haven't you heard? I already did.

Olive Penderghast:
Let the record show that I, Olive Penderghast, being of sound mind and below average breast size, swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth... starting now.

Dill:
[to his adopted son] Where are you from originally?

Marianne:
Seems as if someone's on a downward spiral.

[stapling papers]

Olive Penderghast:
Seems as if someone's practicing the mundane activity she'll be saddled with the rest of her pathetic life.

Micah's Mom:
[while beating her son over the head] Who have you been sleeping with? You tell me right now or I will kill you!

Rhiannon:
I want every detail!

Olive Penderghast:
Rhi!

Rhiannon:
Now, b*tch.

Olive Penderghast:
You know, you call me b*tch a lot, okay. It's not really a term of endearment.

Rhiannon:
I want every detail now, sh*t-face.

Olive Penderghast:
You're not really heading in the right direction.

Rhiannon:
Tell me!

Olive Penderghast:
I think we should just put this conversation to bed.

Rhiannon:
Fine. Don't come camping with us, just know I hate you, b*tch. Go get your chocolate milk.

Rhiannon:
Now you're a super slut like me.

Olive Penderghast:
I don't think letting Peter Hedlin motorboat you behind a Bed, Bath, and Beyond really makes you a super slut.

Rhiannon:
There were a lot of people walking past, okay, someone could have easily seen.

Woodchuck Todd:
[in Woodchuck costume carrying head] Hey Olive.

Olive Penderghast:
Oh my God! The illusion is shattered! This is exactly why they put you in the gas chamber if you take your head off at Disney World.

Woodchuck Todd:
Actually I think they just, you know, they fire you. You're thinking of Disneyland. Disney World is much more liberal.

Olive Penderghast:
Oh yeah! I always forget Disney World went blue in the last election.

Olive Penderghast:
Due to his "condition," Micah was sent on an extended visit to his grandparents' in Palatka, Florida. And if there's one thing worse than chlamydia, it's Florida.

Olive Penderghast:
I could have chlamydia. I have been... whoring around a lot.

Mrs. Griffith:
No, honey. No, you haven't. Because a real whore can't even admit it to herself, let alone another person.

Woodchuck Todd:
Hey Olive! You left your glass slipper at the party the other night.

Olive Penderghast:
Yea and I got pumpkin all over my dress too. C'est la vie.

Woodchuck Todd:
La vie.

Olive Penderghast:
Nice! Solid joke.

Olive Penderghast:
What's your problem?

Rhiannon:
You really want to know what my problem is?

Olive Penderghast:
No, actually, that was a rhetorical question. I don't want to know anything from you.

Rhiannon:
We are not friends anymore.

Olive Penderghast:
Oh.

Rhiannon:
We are officially over!

Olive Penderghast:
OH RATS!

Rhiannon:
Hey, I want my Juicy sweatshirt back! It's way too loose around your chest anyway!

Olive Penderghast:
Ohhhhh, burn!

Rhiannon:
Just because you lost your virginity doesn't mean you can go around throwing your cat at everybody!

Woodchuck Todd:
Notoriety, for whatever reason, never seems to benefit the noted, only the 'notees'.

Marianne:
I just hope for your sake you had the good sense to use protection.

Olive Penderghast:
Why? Your parents didn't.

Olive Penderghast:
People thought I was a dirty skank? Fine. I'd be the dirtiest skank they've ever seen.

Rhiannon:
Please tell me the rumors are true!

Olive Penderghast:
Yes. Yes, I am a big fat slut.

Rhiannon:
No, no! Not that one. The one where you got suspended for calling Nina Howell a dick and punched her in the left tit.

Olive Penderghast:
I worry about the way information circulates at this school.

Brandon:
So what's with your new look? It's very whore couture.

Olive Penderghast:
Oh, haven't you heard? I'm the new school slut.

Brandon:
You know, I did hear something. I also heard he was twice your age.

Olive Penderghast:
Oh, no no no no. He was a freshman in college.

Brandon:
I also heard he gave you crabs.

Olive Penderghast:
Ew! People suck!

Brandon:
Tell me about it.

Rosemary:
Olive! There's a young man here to see you [starts speaking in a Southern accent] He said something about asking for your hand in marriage!

Olive Penderghast:
[Also speaking in a Southern accent] Oh, happy day, Mama! Oh, I thought I was gonna have to spend my dowry on booze and pills to numb the loneliness. A gentleman caller, hurray!

Olive Penderghast:
Welcome. This is where the magic happens. And as we all know, by "magic" I mean "nothing."

Olive Penderghast:
So they got Rhiannon. Never underestimate the power of extremists like Marianne. They sense any weaknesses, they pounce like jungle cats. And the whack pack just gets bigger and bigger. But at least they have a pack. I was used to being by myself, but I have never felt more alone.

Olive Penderghast:
Do you have a religion section?

Bookstore guy:
It's right over there. Can I help you with something?

Olive Penderghast:
The Bible.

Bookstore guy:
That's in bestsellers, right next to Twilight.

Olive Penderghast:
You know, the sad thing is, Evan, if you'd been a gentleman and maybe asked me out on a date, I might've said yes.

Evan:
Really? Do you wanna go out with me?

Olive Penderghast:
Not now I don't, sh*t-dick.

Olive Penderghast:
I used to be anonymous, invisible to the opposite sex. If Google Earth were a guy, he couldn't find me if I was dressed up as a 10-story building.

Rosemary:
Not to mention how you have been dressing these past few days. No judgment, but you kind of look like a stripper.

Olive Penderghast:
Mom!

Dill:
[to Olive] A high-end stripper, for governors or athletes.

Olive Penderghast:
Seriously, a coupon? 20% off of Bath and Body Works. Is that how much our imaginary tryst meant to you? I fake rocked your world!

Sanjay Chandrasekhar:
It's all I can afford.

Olive Penderghast:
How is that my problem, amigo?

[Narrating]

Olive Penderghast:
I knew he wasn't Latino, but for some reason all these shady... backdoor deals had me talking like Carlito.

Olive Penderghast:
Beat it, ese!

Sanjay Chandrasekhar:
Okay.

[He leaves]

Rhiannon:
George is not a sexy name. George is like what you name your teddy bear, not the name you wanna scream out during climax.

Mr. Griffith:
I hope by "climax" you weren't talking about...

Olive Penderghast:
The stable and self-perpetuating end-stage in the evolution of a plant community. Like "by George, that tree has reached the final stage of ecological succession".

Rhiannon:
And it only took 20 seconds.

Brandon:
You don't understand how hard it is, all right? Hmm? I'm tormented everyday at school. It's like I'm being suffocated, and sure we can sit and fantasize all we want about how things are going to be different one day, but this is today and it sucks... So please just help me. I can't take another day of this, I don't know what I'll do.

Rosemary:
That boy from yesterday just dropped this off for you...

Olive Penderghast:
Well, put it in the pile of gifts from my other suitors.

Rosemary:
He seems like a nice kid. He seemed a little incredibly gay...

Olive Penderghast:
Dyed in the wool homosexual, that boy is.

Rosemary:
I just want you to know your father and I are totally supportive. We love you no matter what the sexual orientation of your opposite sex sex partner...

Olive Penderghast:
We are not dating, Mom.

Rosemary:
...and don't worry about not making us grandparents. Although we were kind of hoping you'd get "knocked up" so we'd have a second shot at raising kids, really do it right this time.

Olive Penderghast:
Bye now...

Rosemary:
You know, I dated a homosexual once. For a long time, actually... a "long" time...

Olive Penderghast:
Dear God, dear Lord, tell me you didn't marry and have children with him!

Rosemary:
[Giggles] No.

Olive Penderghast:
[Sarcastically imitates laughing]

Rosemary:
No, no. Your father is as straight as they come. A little too straight, if you know what I mean, girlfriend.

Olive Penderghast:
I don't...

Olive Penderghast:
Not now, Quiznos.

Quiznos Guy:
You're a slut.

Olive Penderghast:
Let me just begin by saying that there are two sides to every story. This is my side, the right one.

Olive Penderghast:
I started piling on lie after lie. It was like setting up Jenga.

Olive Penderghast:
So, here it is [Holds up poster and reads] Part One: The Shudder-Inducing and Cliched, However Totally False Account Of How I Lost My Virginity To A Guy At A Community College.

Olive Penderghast:
[about Rhiannon] Her parents are the weirdest people I've ever met; and I live in *California*.

Marianne:
I hope for your sake, God has a sense of humor.

Olive Penderghast:
Oh, I have sixteen years worth of anecdotal proof that He does.

High School Student:
Hey Olive. How's it going?

Olive Penderghast:
I'm swell, guy-I've-never-laid-eyes-on-before. Thanks for asking.

Olive Penderghast:
Ironically, we were studying "The Scarlet Letter", but isn't that always the way? The books you read in class always seems to have a strong connection with whatever angsty adolescent drama is being recounted. I consider this. Except for "Huckleberry Finn", 'cause I don't know any teenage boys who have ever run away with a big, hulking black guy.

Olive Penderghast:
Marianne Bryant is the secretary of the student council, chairman of the Orange Blossom Dance Committee, and president of the Cross Your Heart Club - a club dedicated to shoving their beliefs down people's throats.

Olive Penderghast:
[about the Cross Your Heart Club] Last year's cause celebre was the changing of the school mascot,

Principal Gibbons:
[Cut to basketball game, last year] Give it up for your very own BLUE DEVILS! [crowd screams]

Woodchuck Todd:
WOOO! Blue Devils! [does a flip and scores a basket] Yeah! Wooo!

Marianne:
[Cut to Marianne handing out pamphlets] How can we exhibit school pride when we're conveyed to others as Satan worshipers?

Olive Penderghast:
Now, thankfully, we're the much less intimidating...

Principal Gibbons:
[Cut to game, this year] Give it up for the woodchucks! [Crowd is silent]

Woodchuck Todd:
The woodchucks! Ar-ra-ra! [pretends to chuck wood] Wooo!

Rhiannon:
I liked Todd much better when he was topless.

Olive Penderghast:
Which brings us to Part Two [Hold up poster and reads] The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude. Which really is just my obnoxious way of saying lies travel fast. And, *boy*, did my Terminological Inexactitude accelerate with velocity.

Olive Penderghast:
All I could think was, "Great, now I'm a tramp! I'll have to get a lower back tattoo and pierce something not on my face."

Dill:
I'd take a bullet for you, you know that. Right between the eyes. I would slit my throat rather than say something to someone that you didn't want me to say!

Olive Penderghast:
That's not necessary, Dad, but that is comforting.

Eighth Grade Olive:
So, I think this is the part where you're supposed to stick your tongue in my mouth. It's just what I've heard.

Eighth Grade Kid:
[Nervously] Just give me a second, okay?

Eighth Grade Olive:
According to my watch, you have 382 of them.

Eighth Grade Kid:
How do you do that?

Eighth Grade Olive:
What?

Eighth Grade Kid:
Add so fast. And you also talk like a grown up.

Eighth Grade Olive:
Don't worry. I'm not nearly as smart as I think I am.

Olive Penderghast:
That's the beauty of being a girl in high-school: people hear you had sex once and BAM - you're a bimbo.

Marianne:
You're going to hell!

Olive Penderghast:
Just as long as *you* won't be there

Marianne:
[Forceful] I can assure you; I won't.

Rosemary:
We're a family of late bloomers - I didn't until I was 14, and nor did Olive.

Chip:
Why does that matter - I'm adopted!

Dill:
[Freaking out] What? Oh my God! Who told you? Guys, we were going to do this at the right time!

Olive Penderghast:
[V.O] So the next day I had detention. Which, thanks to recent budget cuts meant *cleaning*. I was looking forward to putting all this behind me - I had done the crime, I was going to do the time. And that would be that

Brandon:
Aren't there, like, child labor laws against this?

Olive Penderghast:
Not in high school. The principal is like a captain of a ship in international waters. He can even marry people!

[Brandon nods]

Olive Penderghast:
We haven't talked in a while - how've you been, Brandon?

Brandon:
[sarcastic] Fabulous! Crushing it! Everything according to plan.

[yelling]

Brandon:
I wanna be in detention!

Olive Penderghast:
Ya, why are you here? Judging from the amount of blood I saw gushing from your nose I thought you were the bull-*ied*

Brandon:
You'd think, but Principal Gibbons is a homophobe, which is why I called him a fascist.

Olive Penderghast:
So the rumors are true.

Brandon:
[defensive] I don't know what you're talking about.

Olive Penderghast:
I meant about Gibbons' being a fascist.

[smiles]

Brandon:
Just one good, imaginary boink!

Olive Penderghast:
You are on crack! And not the good kind.

Brandon:
It doesn't have to be a boink. It could be anything - it could be an imaginary butter-bean, lemon squeeze, cowbell...

Olive Penderghast:
I don't know what any of that means.

Brandon:
Well, that's because you're a virgin.

Mr. Griffith:
Olive, Olive, Olive. Do you think that maybe you're reading a little too much into this assignment?

Olive Penderghast:
Well, I was really hoping to get an "A".

Olive Penderghast:
[points to the red "A" on her shirt] Get it? Get it?

Mr. Griffith:
I'm hearing things...

Olive Penderghast:
The rumors are true. I am, in fact, considering becoming an existentialist.

Olive Penderghast:
[about the rumors that she punched Nina] It's not true.

Rhiannon:
It wasn't the left tit? It was the right one! I always pegged you for a south paw.

[mimes boxing]

Rhiannon:
Pow! Pow!

Olive Penderghast:
Will you listen to me for a second, please? It didn't happen!

Rhiannon:
[Not believing her] Yeah, right. Your secret's safe with me, you little sex monkey!

Olive Penderghast:
[sitting in a confessional booth] Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. I think that's how you're supposed to start these things. I'm only going on what I've seen in the movies. Where do I even start? I've been pretending to be a - how would one phrase it in Catholic words? A harlot. It's not like I've actually been doing the things that people are saying I'm doing, but - then again - I'm not denying them, so I've just been wondering: is that wrong? It was just that a lot of people had been asking me to do things and I thought it was okay, because it wasn't real. It was make-believe and no one was getting hurt. But a lot of people hate me now.

[tearing up]

Olive Penderghast:
I kind of hate me, too.

Olive Penderghast:
[pause] I could be wrong, but aren't you supposed to say something or ask me questions? Tell me to say 'Hail Marys'? Hello?

[looks at the priest's box and sees it's empty]

Olive Penderghast:
Oh, come on!

Gossipy Girl:
Oh my God, did you hear that Brandon ran away from home? Yeah. Totally. He left his parents a note that said: 'Eff you, I'm gay.' And then he skipped town with a big, hulking black guy!

Olive Penderghast:
[to herself] My apologies to Mark Twain.

Olive Penderghast:
[about Melody Bostic] She is the most popular girl in school. It's partly because she's pretty and has perfect; but mostly because her parents let her have these huge parties every time she catching them *doing it* in the pool.

Olive Penderghast:
[beat] Which is every week... apparently.

Olive Penderghast:
[pretending to be drunk] I hope you don't mind, but we had a few pre-cocktail party cocktails... like before the cocktail party... with cocktails.

Brandon:
[while pretending to have sex with Olive and she's hitting him with a book] You don't have to be so aggressive about it.

Olive Penderghast:
What, you don't like that?

[yells so the eavesdroppers outside the door will hear]

Olive Penderghast:
You don't like that!

Brandon:
[whispers to Olive] NO, I don't like that!

Olive Penderghast:
[after pretending to have sex with Brandon] Go forth, my son, you're a man now.

Brandon:
Thank you!

[Olive smiles]

Brandon:
Seriously, thanks!

Woodchuck Todd:
How's it going?

Olive Penderghast:
[Struggles for words for a moment] Ah, you know, I'm um... I'm here.

Woodchuck Todd:
Can I get you a beer?

Olive Penderghast:
That rhymed...

Dill:
[walking into Olive's bedroom while she is sewing red "A"'s on her clothing] Is everything all right? It sounds like you're having sex in here, which I know can't be true due to the fact that you have a homosexual boyfriend.

Rhiannon:
[about Olive's pretend tryst with Brandon] I had to hear from *Jackie Rudedsky*. Do you know how embarrassing it is; finding out you slept with some gay dude from *Jackie Rudedsky*?

Olive Penderghast:
[Not caring] That must have been pretty embarrassing.

Rhiannon:
[On the phone with Olive] Is it true you got with Brandon at Melody Dip-sh*t's party?

Olive Penderghast:
[V.O, about Maryanne's group] I didn't know *what* they were so upset about; I put an "A" on my wardrobe just like they asked. Maybe it was because I was wearing clothes that were two sizes too small.

Evan:
Don't get mad, but Brandon told me what you did for him.

Olive Penderghast:
[believes he's talking about sex] Ah, well, rest assured it was equally as thrilling for me.

[purrs]

Evan:
No, he told me the truth.

[Olive looks at him]

Evan:
I was just hoping that maybe you could do the same for me?

Olive Penderghast:
Goodbye, Evan.

[turns to go]

Evan:
Wait! Wait, I can pay you!

Olive Penderghast:
[faces him again] I am about six seconds away from slapping you so hard your *teeth* will bleed!

Evan:
[excited] Can you do it in front of everyone?

Olive Penderghast:
[V.O] It should come as no surprise that the rumor that I was soliciting sex for money spread around school faster than... [pause] well faster than the first rumor about me spread.

Olive Penderghast:
[about her business of pretending to have sex with people] Whether I liked it or not, I had *a lot* of customers. Phil Lord gave me 100 bucks from Best Buy so he could tell people we hooked up behind the library. I got 50 dollars from TJ Max so Eric Ling could say we got it on during Chemistry. Ninety dollars from Panda Express so Brain Dukes could say I showed him mine, but he did NOT show me his.

Olive Penderghast:
[on webcam] If you're still with me - and I'm hoping most of you are - this bring us to part 4.

[holds up poster and reads]

Olive Penderghast:
How I, Olive Penderghast, went from assumed trollop to an actual home-wrecker.

Mrs. Griffith:
[During an appointment with Olive] Don't tell anyone I'm doing this - please...

[opens a drawer and takes out a handful of condoms, then hands them to Olive]

Mrs. Griffith:
Here you go.

Olive Penderghast:
I really don't need those.

Mrs. Griffith:
Oh, you *really* do.

[puts the condoms in Olive's hand]

Mrs. Griffith:
Here you go. I just don't want this *thing* you're going through to define your life. Olive, do what you got to do, let your freak flag fly. Just make sure you have an exit strategy.

Olive Penderghast:
[Olive looks at the condoms] Listen, Mrs. Griffins, I really don't need these.

Mrs. Griffith:
You know, the pill is not 100% effective. Ask some of your friend's parents.

Olive Penderghast:
[V.O, while confronted with Marianne's mob] The funny thing is, the whole time this all was going down, I couldn't help thinking I could have come up with better signs.

[looks up and sees a guy dressed in a Quizno's costume]

Olive Penderghast:
Although, you gotta love the Quizno's guy: it's the one thing that triumphs religion - capitalism.

Olive Penderghast:
[Going to a Church] I was just wondering if there's a minster around?

[Women looks at her]

Olive Penderghast:
Is it not a minister?

Olive Penderghast:
[Tries again] A reverend?

Olive Penderghast:
A wizard?

Olive Penderghast:
[V.O, continuing onto webcam] So it was time to put an end to this once and for all by telling my side of the story. And that's why I decided to do this webcast. So here we go. Part Five:

[holds up poster and reads]

Olive Penderghast:
Not with a fizzle, but with a bang.

Olive Penderghast:
[after performing her song at the pep rally] This was just a free preview - for the main event log onto "www.freeolive.com" tonight at six p.m. And I know it interferes with the basketball game; but come on, would you rather be here cheering on the Woodchucks or watch me do one?

Olive Penderghast:
[On webcam] And here you all are. Waiting for me outside the bedroom door for me to kiss Todd. Listening to me pretend to have sex with Brandon. Paying me to lie for you, and calling me every name in the book. And you know what? It was just like Hester in The Scarlet Letter. Except that's the one thing movies don't tell you: how shitty it feels to be an outcast. Warranted or not.

Sanjay Chandrasekhar:
[about Olive's webcast] I thought she was going to take her clothes off! Demi Moore took her clothes off! This is bullshit!

Olive Penderghast:
Can you not see that I'm a mess?

Rosemary:
No, you're not, Olive. You're wonderful. And you'll handle this the same way I did. With an incontrovertible sense of humor. But you're much smarter than I am... so you'll come out of this much better than I did.

Olive Penderghast:
Thank you, Mom.

Rosemary:
What's going on, honey? Why do you want us to "take a bullet" if anyone asks if you were here all weekend?

Olive Penderghast:
Oh, it's nothing. Just the rumor mill.

Rosemary:
What's the rumor mill churning out these days? Anything interesting?

Olive Penderghast:
You know, not really. Not really. Its a little low on grist.

Dill:
Oh, clever wordplay. I like it very much. You must be related to me.

Olive Penderghast:
Only by marriage.

Olive Penderghast:
I was just wondering what your church's stance on lying and adultery was?

Pastor:
It's not a good thing.

Olive Penderghast:
Oh, I agree wholeheartedly. But then, tell me this: assuming there is a Hell...

Pastor:
Oh, the Christian church recognizes the existence of Hell.

Olive Penderghast:
OK, so we'll just say there's a "Hell"...

Pastor:
There is. Just so we're clear.

Olive Penderghast:
OK, but for argument's sake...

Pastor:
No, there's no argument, it's there. Right below our feet. Right above the Orient.

Olive Penderghast:
I need to get my business in order before I drag you into it.

Woodchuck Todd:
What if I told you I wanna be dragged into it? I could help, maybe.

Olive Penderghast:
Why now? Why are you all of a sudden into me now?

Woodchuck Todd:
I don't know. I haven't overanalyzed it, like you're about to.

Brandon:
I'm looking for an Olive.

Rosemary:
There's a whole jar of them in the fridge.

Brandon:
I thought this was...

Rosemary:
Oh come on in. Any friend of Olive's is a friend of our daughters. [calling upstairs] Olive! Sweetie, there's a young man here to see you. He said something about asking for your hand in marriage!!

Olive:
Oh happy day mama! Oh, I thought I was gonna have to spend my dowry on booze and pills to numb the loneliness!! A gentleman caller, hooray!!!

Dill:
Is everything alright? It sounds like you're having sex in here...Which can't be true due to the fact that you have a homosexual boyfriend.

Olive:
[angry] He's not my boyfriend!

Dill:
Hey, no judgment. All God's children. It's fine. I was gay once...for a while. No big deal. We all do it. It's okay.

Olive:
Does it ever bother you that your boyfriend is 22 years old and still in high school?

Marianne:
Because, Olive, it's His choice!

Olive:
Oh, really? His choice? He just wants to be repeating his senior year for, like, the fourth time 'cause he can't pass a single test?

Marianne:
No, silly, [gestures up] His. His, with a capital H. If the Good Lord had wanted Micah to graduate, he would have given him the right answers.

Olive:
[laughs] I'm sorry, but, I mean, really? You gotta be shittin' me, woman.

Todd:
[referring to the student protesters] Screw all these people, Olive!

Olive:
Haven't you heard? I already did.

Olive:
Guys, I want you to know that if you hear I have chlamydia, that is totally false.

Rosemary:
Olive, do we need to have the talk again?

Olive:
No. It's just a thing that's going around.

Rosemary:
You know, nothing you're saying is making me feel any better. Not to mention how you have been dressing these past few days. No judgment, but you kind of look like a stripper.

Olive:
Mom!

Dill:
A high-end stripper, for governors or athletes, but a stripper nonetheless.

Olive:
How do you know where I live?

Todd:
We used to carpool.

Olive:
Yeah, in 2nd grade. What, are you like a savant for people's addresses?

Todd:
Just for people who I think are cool.

Olive:
You think I'm cool?

Todd:
I do. And I think you're pretty and smart.

Olive:
Did you form this opinion prior to my little transformation?

Todd:
Way prior.

Olive:
Why didn't that rumor spread?

Todd:
I like to keep my business to myself. Notoriety, for whatever reason, never seems to benefit the noted, only the "notees."

Olive:
Where were you two weeks ago?

Todd:
Olive. If I promise not to tell anyone, could I kiss you right now?

Olive:
No.

Todd:
Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

Olive:
Oh, no. I just mean, not like this. I don't wanna kiss you with mascara running down my face...and some horndog guy just having tried to stick his tongue down my throat. I've wanted to kiss you since 8th grade, but I want it to be perfect. And right now, my life is a mess. I need to get my business in order before I drag you into it.

Todd:
What if I told you I wanna be dragged into it? I could help, maybe.

[Olive hugs him and gets out of the car]

Olive:
Why now? Why are you all of a sudden into me now?

Todd:
I don't know. I haven't overanalyzed it, like you're about to.

Mrs. Griffith:
Olive, life is full of choices. I made a bad one. But then, so did you. But I see no other alternative than to just live with the guilt. My guilt stems from my indiscretion and yours for lying. We made our choices. Now, we just have to let it ride.

Olive:
Or I could just tell everyone the truth and have you fired and put in jail.

Mrs. Griffith:
Okay, first of all, he is of age, okay? It's perfectly legal in the state of California. I checked. He is 21 in eight months. And secondly, let's play the "Who Would You Believe game," okay? Why don't you ask yourself, if you were an adult, who would you believe? Who would you believe!? Who would you believe!? Who would you believe!? Who!?! ...Thank you for coming in.

Rosemary:
I had a similar situation when I was your age. I had a horrible reputation.

Olive:
Why?

Rosemary:
Because I was a slut. I slept with a whole bunch of people. A slew, a heap, a peck. Mostly guys.

Olive:
Mom!

...

Olive:
Can you not see that I'm a mess?

Rosemary:
No, you're not, Olive. You're wonderful. And you'll handle this the same way I did. With an incontrovertible sense of humor. But you're much smarter than I am, so you'll come out of this much better than I did.

Olive:
Thank you, Mom.

Olive Penderghast:
[voiceover] The rumors of my promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated. I used to be anonymous, invisible to the opposite sex. If Google Earth were a guy, he couldn't find me if I was dressed up as a 10-story building. Pretty cutting edge stuff, huh? A high school girl feeling anonymous. Who am I? What does it all mean? Why am I here? Blah! But don't worry. This isn't one of those tales, though it sure started out that way. And then it changed pretty quickly when I started lying about some very personal things. So, let the record show that I, Olive Penderghast, being of sound mind and below average breast-size, swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth... starting now.

Marianne:
Jesus tells us to love everyone, even the whores and the homosexuals. But it's so hard, it's so hard because they keep doing it, over and over again.