Eddie Murphy: Delirious

Eddie Murphy:
My mother ran in the bathroom, see my big brother sitting in the bathroom with a piece of sh*t in his hand in the tub, I was laying in the bottom of the water with blood gushing out my eye, G.I. Joe up my ass. My mother's like, "What the f*** going on in here?"

Eddie Murphy:
Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll f*** up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.

Eddie Murphy:
Bear and a rabbit were taking a sh*t in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with sh*t sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

Eddie Murphy:
I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!

Eddie Murphy:
Brothers act like they couldn't have been slaves back 200 years ago. It's like the motherf***ers LIKED that sh*t. "I whish I was a slave, I would f*** somebody up! Sh*t, tell ME to bale some motherf***ing cotton! I would been on the street and sh*t, would've come up and say, "Ay, yo, n*gger, bale this cotton!" I would say, "Suck my DICK, massa!""

Eddie Murphy:
Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"

Eddie Murphy:
[about slavery] The first n*gger who tried that sh*t... Somebody said, "N*gger, bale this cotton" and he said "F*** you, Massa"... [sound of a whip] The other motherf***ers said, "All right, we'll bale the sh*t, all right. Just keep that f***ing sh*t away from me."

Eddie Murphy:
I have nightmares about gay people. I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood, and find out Mr. T is a f*ggot. Really. And he'd be walking up to people going:

[Mr. T voice]

Eddie Murphy:
Hey boy, hey boy! Ya look mighty cute in them jeans. Now come on over here... and f*** me up the ass! C'mon. I'm gonna bend over now. Grrr! Aaahh! Hey, boy, slow down, you're gonna mess around and come too fast. You'll make me get mad and I'll clench up my butt cheeks and rip your dick off!

Eddie Murphy:
[Eddie takes the plane south, looking for racism]... he said "Is this your bag?" I said "Yeah, that's my f***ing bag! Why, motherf***er? A black man can't have a suitcase?"

Eddie Murphy:
Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And f*** you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe...

Eddie Murphy:
I'm winded, I'm out of breath... I'm sweatin' and sh*t.

Female Crowd Member:
Do Mr. Rob!

Male Crowd Member:
SHUT UP, B*TCH!

[Eddie and crowd bursts into huge laughter/applause]

Eddie Murphy:
Y'all didn't know I was a ventriloquist too!

Eddie Murphy:
[as his drunk father] Your wife's a Bigfoot, isn't she, Gus? Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she? That's why the b*tch's moustache is so motherf***in' thick... 'cause you shaved the b*tch down and taught her to speak. I know a motherf***in' Bigfoot when I see one! Don't bring a Bigfoot into my home, Gus! With my children? The b*tch can't talk! She can't walk a flight of steps! She's not trained well, Gus! She can *not* walk steps! I'll bet she climbs the f*** outta trees, though, don't she, Gus? Doesn't she? DOESN'T SHE? But you got to not bring her around here - f*** her! And your motherf***in' children? They're Bigfeet, too. They're half-Bigfoot, Gus, 'cause the motherf***ers is 6 years old and have Afros 17 inches long. They're little hairy motherf***ers, just like their mother. Look at the motherf***ers! You know how I found out they was Bigfoot - when I realized your wife was a Bigfoot when I took your kids fishing last week. I put the motherf***ers in the boat, Gus, and I took the worm and I put it on the hooks. And they both sat there, and they put their poles down in the motherf***in' boat, and slammed their faces in the water for 2 minutes! And I think, "What the f*** are these kids doin'?" Then they start moving their heads like this

[quickly shakes head back and forth]

Eddie Murphy:
and the motherf***ers come up with fish! I jumped back and said, "Can you believe this motherf***in' sh*t?" Then the kid took the fish out his mouth and looked at his brother and said, "Goonie-Goo-Goo." What the f*** is going on here? Normal kids don't do sh*t like that, Gus. But I'm gonna tell you something, motherf***er. You can take your motherf***in' hairy fat-ass wife moustache b*tch out the f***, you can go upstairs and get the motherf***in' dog and scoop up the sh*t and take Eddie and get these mothaf***in' long Angela Davis afro-wearin' motherf***in' kids of yours and put them in the motherf***ing "Goonie-Goo-Goo"-mobile and get the f*** out! And if my wife don't like that, she can get the f*** out, too!

[Eddie mimes his shoe-throwing noise]

Eddie Murphy:
You missed me, b*tch!

Eddie Murphy:
There's something about the icecream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that sh*t from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they hear that motherf***ing icecream truck.

Eddie Murphy:
Icecream man always drove extra blocks away. And I know he's seen us and sh*t, but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say:

Eddie Murphy:
[imitating the ice cream man] Watch me how fast I make these motherf***ers run.

Eddie Murphy:
[as his drunk father] You told me you met your wife on a motherf***in' camping trip and that she was Puerto Rican. Your wife ain't no motherf***in' Puerto Rican. I thought she was when I first met, because I walk up and say 'hello, good to meet you, my name is Vernon' and she say 'Hi, I'm Bunny, goonie goo goo'. What the f*** does goonie goo goo mean, Gus? I still don't know what that sh*t means to this day. I though I'd learned some new Spanish sh*t! I walk up to my friend and say 'Hey, Sanchez, goonie goo goo!' and Sanchez say 'Get the f*** out of here!'

Eddie Murphy:
[as drunk father] Why can't she walk a step? You know why she can't a step? Because she's a fat, hairy b*tch.

Eddie Murphy:
[as his drunk father] It's my house! You know it is. And if you don't like it, you get the F*** OUT! I don't give a f***. I don't give cause I paid the motherf***in' bills in this motherf***er. And hey, [kissing his hand] kiss my ASS if you don't like it! Yes! Yes, motherf***er, yes! Cause you know it is, know it is? Im drunk, so what? [kissed hi hand again] Beautiful, I'm drunk. I'm drunk, so what? I'm drunk. You know what? I got drunk in my motherf***in' kitchen and I was drinking out of my glass in my motherf***in' house. So F*** IT.

Eddie Murphy:
[as his drunk father] Gus! Gus, can i ask you a question? Come here, let me ask you a question, Gus? Gus, let me ask you a question. Gus, why's the fire so big? Why did you made the fire so big, Gus? Look at this sh*t. It's a motherf***in ridiculous, Gus. The fire's too motherf***in big! Why? You come over every motherf***in years, Gus and you burned down my motherf***in backyard. WHY? I'm cookin motherf***in hamburgers and franks! I'm not cookin the motherf***in brontosaurus burger in this motherf***er. This ain't the motherf***in Flinstones, Gus. It's my HOUSE, motherf***er! Look at Charlie standing over there with third degree burns on him, eatin a motherf***in frank. It doesn't make. No, you take things too far, Gus. You take things too far. I tell you to an inch, you go three inches. I tell you four inches, you go five. Give a n*gger a rope like them cowboys, Gus. Why dont you listen?

[to Eddie]

Eddie Murphy:
Oh,Eddie, get the motherf***in dog away from my plate. I'm gonna shoot this dog! I'm gonna shoot the mother - shut up! I'm gonna shoot it. Stop crying. Stop crying, Eddie, cause you'll get the f*** out. You'll get the f*** - I know your seven. I know your seven. But you'll be a seven-year-old-wakin-the-dog-with-no-house-motherf***er! You know it is cause it's mine, motherf***er and I hate this motherf***in dog. Cause you never answer the dog, you don't spend time with the dog, Eddie! You dont feed the motherf***er! You don't pet it! You even don't know the f***in dog's name is anymore, do you? The dog dont give a f*** cause he doesn't know his name. The dog is is three years old, dont know his name. Watch this. Coco? Where the f*** is he going? The dog stupid cause you don't spend time with the motherf***er. And I'm supposed to work hard all day and come home and feed motherf***in dog? F*** no! I am not feeding the motherf***er. You know, Eddie, when nobody's home, you know what I do? I walk to the dog and I kick the motherf***er. I kicked the motherf***in dog with everything I got, Eddie. I did and I giggled my motherf***in ass off cause I hate the motherf***er. Cause you don't clean up behind it. Why can't you clean up the motherf***in - This aint Scooby Doo, motherf***er! Why can't you clean the dog? The dog shits all over the house and when no one tells you, Eddie, you dont clean the sh*t. You let the sh*t stay forever. This sh*t has been in the den for six months, Eddie. It has been in the den for six months and when you kids go passed it, you act like you dont see it unless you told you wont clean the sh*t. The sh*t is hard as a rock now. It's like motherf***in furniture in there. I went in there last week to watch the fight and i said "F*** it" and put my drink on top of it, Eddie. It's a coffee table now! Why cant you clean up sh*t! My friends came over and go "Oh, that's lovely" and I was like "That's not lovely, it's a piece of SH*T! Cause my children don't listen!"

Eddie Murphy:
Oh sh*t, I'm in Washington D.C.! [audience cheers loudly] Sh*t! Jesus! Christ! This is where Reagan lives! Not far from here! [audience starts to boo] Ron! [audience continues to boo] Hey Ron, they the ones that's booin', I didn't say sh*t! I mean I didn't mean... [audience member yells out] Huh?

Male Crowd Member:
Reaganomics sucks!

Eddie Murphy:
What sucks?

Male Crowd Member:
[along with other audience members] Reaganomics sucks!

Eddie Murphy:
Reaganomics sucks? Well tell us something we don't know motherf***er!

Eddie Murphy:
You know who'd be a funny f*ggot? Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton. Wouldn't they be funny faggots? Yeah, Ralph Kramden would be leaning out the window there, saying, "Norton! Norton, pal, c'mon down, I wanna show you something!" "Hey there, Ralphie boy, what do ya say there, pal o' mine?" "You know, Norton, I been watchin' you. And I know you been watchin' me. You watch me, I know." "So Ralph, what're ya gettin' at?" "Norton, my friend, how would you like to f*** me up the ass? I know you wanna f*** me, Norton. And you know that I know that you know that I know that you wanna f*** me. Now, I'm gonna bend over, and when I do, start f***in'! Here I go..." [bends over and groans and stammers] "Way to go there, Ralphie boy."

Gooney Google ass motherfuckers