Emmerdale Farm

Eric Pollard:
It's Francis, isn't it?

Butch Dingle:
Not if you want to keep your teeth.

Shadrach Dingle:
Cousin of the accused with her kit off, you'll make a bomb.

Chastity Dingle:
Unless you want your teeth introduced to your throat, I suggest you shut it.

Shadrach Dingle:
Fair enough.

[Cain has just told Zak about Debbie]

Zak:
I've got to stop chewing those leaves.

[Lisa has just punched Zak on the jaw]

Marlon:
They'll put you in the cop car.

Sam:
Are you dead, Dad?

Zak:
No, I just feel like it.

Charity Tate:
Where's your boyfriend

Debbie Jones:
He's not my boyfriend.

Charity Tate:
I wouldn't call them boyfriend at your age either.

Debbie Jones:
No, you called them clients

[Shadrach has drunk a whole bottle of communion wine]

Ethan Blake:
What do you usually do with him?

Zak Dingle:
Wish he'd never been born!

[Danny Daggert, Robert Sugden and Donna Windsor sits at Viv's caf? and Danny offers to help with rehearsing their Shakespeare, MacBeth homework]

Robert Sugden #2:
Donna, is it a Daggart I see before me?

Christopher 'Chris' Tate:
Cain's not the real villain here.

Terry Woods:
Oh, no, you're welcoming her back with open arms!

[Zak has had a run-in with the new gamekeeper]

Zak:
He's like a speed camera - always there when you don't want them.

Marlon:
Don't look now, but the speed camera's just walked in.

Terry Woods:
[to Diane Blackstock] It's my life they're messing with. You and all.

Diane Blackstock:
You drown out here man.

Val Lambert:
[to Eric Pollard] 65 years on the clock, and not a friend in the world! Enjoy yourr old age, Counsellor Pollard!

Matthew King:
[regarding Charity] Yeah, well, let's just say she's not my type.

Jimmy King:
Yeah, I'd say Thelma-Louise [Paul Lambert's drag-queen] was more your style!

Diane Blackstock:
[about a plate of food that accidentally ended up on the floor] You can't serve that now!

Marlon:
It's for Shadrach.

Diane Blackstock:
Fair enough.

Laurel Potts:
Oh, it's like me, I'm never so assertive when I'm on my own. My mirror has had more time lashings. I'm sure it winces every time I go near it.

Bettina 'Betty' Eagleton:
Probably your face, love! [Betty starts to laugh and naively, Laurel starts to laugh with her]

Terry Woods:
Trouble in paradise?

Christopher 'Chris' Tate:
There were no children in the garden of Eden.

Christopher 'Chris' Tate:
[talking to Debbie about math] Don't let anybody tell you that two wrongs don't make it right.

Daz Eden:
Has anyone seen me ferret, Spike?

Donna Windsor:
Yeah, like a stretched out rat.

Viv Windsor:
Be honest, Marlon. Am I overbearing?

Marlon:
Weeeell, you do, sort of, lean, towards the, erm, military campaign approach.

Jimmy King:
A day which has been etched in my memory... as I'm sure it will be in yours. Perhaps Dad would like to tell us all why he had his tongue, down Sadie's throat earlier.

Matthew King:
[angrily, after stunned silence] Is this true?

Sadie King:
No... it... it wasn't like that!

Jimmy King:
You should have heard him! Begging for it, he was. "All this could be yours Sadie!" Hands everywhere. And, like the practised whore she is, she got right into it!

Matthew King:
You're sleeping together? You and me father? YOU two?

Sadie King:
Why the hell would I do that?

Matthew King:
You mercenary gold-digger! Yer sick! You call the man DAD for God's sake!

Eric Pollard:
More chance of a stimulating conversation in a graveyard.

Louise Appleton:
Must've heard you were coming, Eric.

Rodney Blackstock:
Eric, if you don't belt up, I shall thump you.

Eric Pollard:
[in chuckle] Sorry? I really am sorry. You must be devastated.

Rodney Blackstock:
Twerp.

Delilah 'Del' Dingle:
[regarding Carl King] I've got to face it, Val. It's Chas he wants.

Val Lambert:
Well, Chas should have been around for him then. Absence makes the heart grow fungus!

Diane Blackstock:
[shouting into the pup] I am not having the menopause! I had it five years ago! Have you all got that through there?

Viv Windsor:
I suppose you've got some excuse.

Louise Appleton:
And... what's that?

Viv Windsor:
You're Australian, aren't you? All your ancestors were convicts. You probably just can't help yourself.

Louise Appleton:
It was just a silly mistake, a bit like that outfit!

Jarvis Skelton:
That lad of yours attracts trouble like horse attracts flies and I'm not impressed! It begins at home, it always does! Your parenting skills are obviously on the par with your dress sense.

Matthew King:
[regarding Sam Dingle] So... Simple Sam's had a baby, then?

Carl King:
Awww, come on. He was made up!

Tom King:
That lad would be made up if you gave him a yo-yo...

Jimmy King:
So, let's just get something clear, you're not a full time poof, you just help when they're busy?

Ivan Jones:
[sarcastically] Oh that's really witty, Jimmy, really original! [walks off angrily]

Jimmy King:
What's the matter, don't you like me aftershave?

Ivan Jones:
Why, did you want a few tips?

Jimmy King:
Oy, you'll be short of a few teeth in a minute!

Scott Windsor:
Where is she?

Jamie Hope:
She? Narrow it down a bit.

Robert 'Bob' Hope:
He's looking for Dawn, he's got it into his head she's done something stupid to his car.

Scott Windsor:
I haven't got anything in my head.

Jamie Hope:
Yeah, I can second that.

Matthew King:
Face it Jimmy, in my position you'd have done the same thing!

Jimmy King:
That's where you're wrong, cause me, I've got morals!

Sadie King:
Yes, but you haven't got the haulage business, have you? [sneers]

Grayson Sinclair:
Mother not around?

Matthew King:
Mine? No, she's been dead twenty years mate.

Peggy:
[First lines of the show, referring to Marian Wilks riding by on Horseback] Matt, who's she?

Marian Wilks:
If this is your home, why can't you get in? I was watching you.

Jack Sugden:
Prodigals aren't usually trusted with keys, even if they have time to collect one before going out to prodigalize.

Matt Skilbeck:
[about Sam's saw] Fair's fair, grandad. The handle were cracked and there weren't no teeth in it.

Joe Sugden:
Just like you, grandad.

Sid Flower:
Where do you think you're going?

Jack:
Oh, for God's sake, Sid, Donna's burned herself, we've got to make sure she's OK.

Sid Flower:
It's just a splash, get on with your work.

Jack:
Go and get the first aid box, Donna, I'll be through in a minute.

[angrily, to Sid]

Jack:
Now, listen to me, you cringing mediocrity, unless you start to show some approaching good manners to that girl, the fish won't be the only things that get battered in this place. Now, you'll have to manage on your own. OK?

Sid Flower:
What do you think you're doing standing here? Donna, get some more chicken on, and while you're at it, sort out tonight's chips, you big fat lump.

Jack:
Oi, can't you be pleasant for once? You pay peanuts, you might at least treat your staff decently.

Sid Flower:
I don't pay you to give us lectures. Now heat them beans up, or you're out that door.

Jack:
[chuckling] That's the best offer I've had all week.

Sid Flower:
Get on with your work, pick them beans up or else.

Jack:
Don't tempt me.

Sid Flower:
I said, pick them beans up!

[Joe enters]

Jack:
You want beans? I'll give you beans!

[pours beans all over Sid, much to the amusement of Donna and the customers]

Seth Armstrong:
[At the fancy dress party] You look pretty scary yoursen, you're meant to be a ghost, that's right, in't it?

Dolly Skilbeck:
No, Aphrodite!

Seth Armstrong:
[pause] A fried what?

Jessica McAllister:
[watching explosions rip through the village] You don't think it's a nuclear attack do you?

Bernard McAllister:
Of course not, who'd want to do such a thing in this day and age?

Luke McAllister:
Iraq, the Serbs, the IRA...

Bernard McAllister:
Alright Luke, I think you've made your point.

Christopher Tate:
Nobody's gonna push me around, Not even in this chair.

Sven Olsen:
[Seth is trying to break into Woolpack to find Alan] Need any help, mate?

Seth Armstrong:
No, after your performance on t'Cricket Pitch, I think I'll handle this mesen.

Nick Bates:
[Turner found SLUMPED face down at the kitchen table next to an empty Bottle of Scotch] Is he dead? [props Turner up]

Seth Armstrong:
Dead Drunk, More like.

Arthur Prendegast:
[after Betty introduces him to Seth] I've seen more meat on Lester Piggot's whip!

Zoe:
Chris, much as I sympathize with your predicament, I have been up before dawn dealing with sick animals, I've been trying to fathom out why a seemingly intelligent man would leave his family after what amounts to no more than a few hours with me, I have lost a good assistant, and I've been up to my knees in real bullshit. Please don't give me any of yours.

Kim Tate:
You're a DINOSAUR, Frank... and you know what happened to THEM.

Eric:
I hear that homicidal maniac Billy Hopwood's been taken into custody.

Kathy:
Poor Andy. Must've been dreadful for him.

Eric:
Poor Andy? Hahaha. Poor Vic, he's the one that's dead.

Chris:
I think we appreciate that. It is why we're here, after all.

Eric:
Ah, but do you appreciate that it was that little thug Andy that was hiding his father all along?

Kathy:
Look, Andy's a good kid. Billy Hopwood must've forced him.

Eric:
Yeah. I blame it on those Sugdens. Letting those boys run riot [Ned grabs Eric by the collar]

Ned:
If I hear anymore of this poisonous drivel, we'll be going to *your* funeral! All right?

Kim:
[to Eric] Somehow I don't think you'd get such a big turnout, do you?

Helicopter Pilot:
[Final lines] Kim Marchant?

Kim:
No, Kim Tate.

Diane Blackstock:
[shouting into the pub] I am not having the menopause! I had it five years ago! Have you all got that through there?

Lisa:
Shadrach, You stand accused of deceiving The Dingle Clan.

Marlon:
Attempted Adultery with your brother's woman.

Sam:
Postal Fraud.

Cain:
And generally just being a disgusting old git.

Christopher 'Chris' Tate:
[last words to Charity after poisoning self] Whore.

Nicola:
Has my dad been in?

Chastity:
Don't think so, no.

Nicola:
He's disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Betty:
Why? What's Happened?

Edna:
Oh, he'll be painting the town red with some floozy.

Nicola:
Oh, don't get jealous, Edna. He'll get round to asking you soon.

Zak:
[Zak returns from Chile] Mad, bad and dangerous! Zak's back!

Lisa:
Zak!

Sam:
Dad!

Marlon:
Uncle Zak?

Betty:
Well, I'll be beggered! [Lisa runs over to Zak, who expects a hug, but Lisa punches him to the ground]

Lisa:
Not a word. Not a card for months. Or maybe you weren't even gonna come back to me!

Marlon:
Lisa, they'll have you in the cop car!

Sam:
Dad, you're not dead, are you?

Zak:
[Dazed] No. I only feel like I am.

[Shadrach is brought home drunk]

Ethan Blake:
What do you usually do with him?

Zak Dingle:
Wish he'd never been born!

Bettina 'Betty' Eagleton:
[Betty has returned from Australia, to find Syd standing naked in her living room]

Bettina 'Betty' Eagleton:
[Looking Syd up and down] You won't get far with a little thing like that!

Nicola Blackstock:
[commenting to Simon on Chloe's Dress at Tom and Charity's wedding] I've got more cloth in my knickers!

Chas:
[to Chloe] Just pee on the stick, b*tch!

Sam:
[to Tom King] You're a proper nob.

Viv Windsor:
[Scott has reported Dawn for Benefit fraud] I want you to go to your room.

Scott Windsor:
[laughs] I'm a bit old for that, Mum.

Viv Windsor:
I want you to go to your room, pack your things and leave!

Jimmy King:
[on bursting into Sadie and Alasdair's wedding and being told to take their seats] Wrong Side

Carl King:
We're not even invited!

Ashley Thomas:
[to Laurel] It's the best news I've had since you've agreed to marry me!

Sam Pearson:
[about Jack] You ought to teach your son some manners.

Annie Sugden:
I taught him them you taught me.

Amos Brearly:
That's a funny way to be taken, going around kissing folk.

Dolly Skilbeck:
I'll kiss you again if you're not careful. You must be getting better, you're complaining.

Jessie:
There's nothing the matter with me!

Annie:
What are you doing in hospital then?

Jessie:
Well,l that's what I asked the doctor. An' there's no room in the hotels, he says.

Amos:
Facts is facts, you'll never get anywhere if you don't face t'truth about things, which includes this driving.

Batty:
An' it's never occurred to you, I suppose, to face the fact that this is a tight little backward tin-pot tuppenny-hap-penny village full of half-baked yokels who can't see further than the ends of their noses when it comes to what the world's about nowadays. Who think we're still in the age of horse and carts, and if they see anything moving faster than a snail's pace they think the end of the world's coming.

Amos:
There's nobody round 'ere wi' horses and carts

Batty:
They've got horse and cart minds. Except you, an' your mind's tied up like a granny knot. You're goin' on about your concert for the starvin' children and bellyachin' about me cos I get about a bit faster than you're used to. Well I do it so as to get the best out of the land that we're farming! That's what we're about at NY Estates, growing food, plenty of it. And you ought to be helping us, not bleatin' about, gettin' in the way like a lot of short-sighted sheep

Maisie Wylde:
I thought you and Diane were respectable old biddies, you're a right pair of trollops! No offence.

Val Pollard:
Is that a problem?

Maisie Wylde:
Not as long as I can join in.

Annie:
This place is getting worse than the House of Commons at meal times.

Matt:
Oh ma! Least we get a bit of sense 'ere, sometimes.

Mr. Wilks:
Oh come on, Amos. Where's your heart?

Amos:
Underneath me wallet, Mr. Wilks.

Marlon:
I wish you were my weird pseudo step-dad.

Paddy Kirk:
So do I. I would beat you everyday.

Adam Barton:
[to Ross Barton, who was earlier caught by Cain Dingle from Moira Barton's barnyard, Adam is smiling] Way to go, cous'. The gift that just keeps on giving.

Tom:
[after Tom sends Ruth back to the kids] And any drinks My wife wants, I'll buy 'em.

Joe:
It'll be a rare day when you buy your own!

Tom:
Look, I don't want any lip from any jumped-up little squirts, either!

Joe:
How about a drink then - Will you take a drink from me?

Tom:
Ah go on, then. That's more sensible. Yeah, I'll, ah, I'll have a pint to drink.

Joe:
I don't think I can manage a pint, how about a half?

Tom:
Oh, yeah. A half'll do

Joe:
Well, Have a half here! [throws his beer in Tom's face]

Tom:
[splutters] You little bugger!

Amos Brearly:
No fighting in here. I'll not have any fighting in my pub!

Joe:
I don't mind going outside, right? [Tom walks off after a stare-down] Right, Amos, fill this up.

Amos Brearly:
Don't kid yourself this is the finish, Joe Sugden. Tom's got his own ways of fighting.

Rakesh:
I suggest you go before you make me even angrier.

Eric:
And *I* suggest you get on your *elephant* and go and make me a *Vindaloo*!

Rishi Sharma:
[Gennie is in labour] Oh my God, is that the head?

Gennie Walker:
No, it's a coconut, Rishi, take a shot at it!

Carl King:
[Final lines] I am. Shall I tell you why? A few years ago, I sat down with our Jimmy after Matthew died and I told him I thought I was cursed. But I'm not. I'm charmed. Bad things happen to people around me and I walk away untouched and get away with it! I've done it before. And I'm gonna do it again to you, this time, and there is nothing you can do to stop me! And I'll tell you why that is, as well, shall I? Because I'm indestructible! [is hit with a Brick by Cameron]