Father of the Pride

Larry:
[to Kate] Big daddy is home and he's ready for lovin'. It may be 9 o' clock in New York, but right here it's Mountin' Time!

Kate:
Larry, this isn't really the time.

Larry:
This is the perfect time: You're in heat, I'm not hungry, I just peed...

Larry:
[to Kate] Just know that if Foo-lin is on our couch tomorrow I'm buying a gun on the internet and hiring someone with fingers to shoot me.

Nelson 'Bong-Bong':
Hi, I'm Nelson.

Kate:
Nelson? I thought your name was Bong Bong.

Nelson 'Bong-Bong':
Bong Bong? Oh, that's my slave name.

Larry:
So you're from Beijing? Must have some geat Chinese food there.

Nelson 'Bong-Bong':
Ehh... it's not as good as New York.

Larry:
Foo-Lin, I'd like to introduce you to Nelson. Nelson, this is Foo-Lin.

Foo-Lin:
Hey Nelson.

Nelson 'Bong-Bong':
If you smell something it's not me! It's not!

Larry:
We need to talk about you and Kate.

Nelson 'Bong-Bong':
It sickens me that she's laying beneath you. That's how it works right? I mean, I might need to know for later.

Nelson 'Bong-Bong':
I love Kate, Larry. I can't help it. She's my perfect woman.

Larry:
No, she isn't. You have a crush on her because she's the first woman that was ever nice to you.

Nelson 'Bong-Bong':
My mom was nice to me.

Larry:
Nelson, I know you don't have a lot of experience, but as a dude, we don't really count moms.

Sarmoti:
[to Nelson] We all know Foo-Lin is crazy, but who gives a crap? She's a panda, you're a panda. This is the biggest no-brainer in the world.

Sarmoti:
[to Nelson] You're new with women and you're swinging for the fences. Let me save you a lot of heartache: You're not a powerhitter. Just lay down a bunt, get on base and thank the merciful Lord they even let you suit up.

Foo-Lin:
Did it ever occur to you that maybe I could do better?

Sarmoti:
No. That did not occur to me. Good Lord! Your whole species is meshuggah. No wonder you're going extinct.

Foo-Lin:
I deserve love!

Sarmoti:
Wrong! You're a middle aged, fat, virgin panda. You deserve Nelson.

Sierra:
I'm on my way to a party by the reptile house. I probably won't take drugs, but I won't really know until I get there.

Larry:
That's fine. See you later.

Larry:
[to Kate] Your dad's a real treat. He should go make people laugh in heaven.

Larry:
[to Kate] I'm not the kind of guy who goes on TV. I'm the kind of guy who lies in front of the TV. And I'm just sort of hitting my stride with that.

Kate:
[Blake and Victoria have made a surprise visit] Blake! Victoria! What a nice surprise.

Larry:
Yeah, like when the gas wears off early and your dentist is buckling his pants.

Blake:
[to his wife who is visibly drunk] Come along dear before you ruin another baboon liver.

Victoria:
Wait. I want to get the name of his dentist.

Larry:
[while watching a video tape of the Today show] Holy cow! Who's that?

Sarmoti:
Blake as a baby. Later in the show he gets felt up by Elton John.

Sarmoti:
[talking about the Today show] Katie Couric has got that "good girl but probably wild in the sack" thing going on.

Larry:
Brother, you got that right!

Sarmoti:
As a lion you got it here

[touches Larry's forehead]

Sarmoti:
and in here.

[touches Larry's ribacage]

Larry:
[giggling] That tickles.

Sarmoti:
You sure you're all lion? Maybe a chimp schtooped your gradma.

Snack:
I'm gonna need to take some publicity shots to promote Larry's debut All Night Fiesta.

Kate:
Fiesta?

Changa:
Yeah, that's Mexican for "party".

Chimmi:
We're gonna have salsa!

Changa:
That's a spicy red dip.

Sarmoti:
Larry, I want you to know, if you were my own son... I'd be pretty disapointed. But I'd make do.

Blake:
Larry, I'm weak. I need the attention. I'm a whore. I'm a whore for their applause. And you wouldn't hit a whore would you, Larry?

Larry:
[starts to punch Blake]

Blake:
Ow! Mommy! Make it stop!

Snack:
[drinking at a bar and drunkenly slurring words] Hey! None of that talk. You're still the best. Remember I'm always here for you Lar. Now come on, give me a smile. [strokes Larry's chin] Cootchie, cootchie coo... [vomits in Larry's lap]

Larry:
Dude, uncool.

Bernie:
[while watching with Sarmoti a video of Sarmoti's younger days balancing on a giant ball] I think you look great there, chief. Lean and mean. Top notch. [Sarmoti on video falls] Whoops! Beautiful fall monsignor. You are the Baryshnikov of disaster. [Sarmoti rewinds the video segment] Wonderful slip! Great surrender to gravity. Falling. [Sarmoti on video falls again] Ground, there you go. Sorry I'm all tapped out. You gotta stop watching that. It's not doing you any good at all.

Roy:
Magic, you fickle b*tch.

Kate:
[after watching an assembly for a "gifted and talented" program] Thank you Mrs. Falvi for a delightful evening of discussion and song. My husband and I had a great time. Didn't we Larry?

Larry:
Oh yeah. You guys sure beat the hell out of Dumb Kids Choir.

Kate:
I'd love that program for Sierra. Those kids seemed really neat.

Larry:
Uh huh. What's wrong with you?

Sierra:
[opens locked front door] You guys are back early.

Kate:
Why was the door locked?

Sierra:
I don't know. The better question is: Why do we live in a world where the doors need locks?

Larry:
I think she's got us there.

Kate:
[off screen] Larry, oh my God, get in here.

Larry:
[startled awake from sleep] Kinda busy hon. I'm working on the [mumbles and drifts off to sleep]

Sarmoti:
Boy, did my daughter hit the jackpot with you.

Kate:
[rushes into living room carrying a plastic bag with green substance in it] Larry, this is a nightmare. Look what I just found in Sierra's room.

[hands bag to Larry]

Kate:
Please tell me this isn't what I think it is.

Larry:
[sniffs bag] Yep, that's catnip.

Kate:
Oh God, our daughter's a niphead.

Sarmoti:
Nice. You run a tight ship champ.

[pats Larry on the back]

Kate:
This explains the locked doors and the weird attitude.

Larry:
Look, she's a teenager. She's bound to experiment.

Sarmoti:
"Bound to experiment"? Way to parent with authority. Call me when she's pregnant.

Kate:
When I was a teenager I never tried catnip. Did you?

Larry:
Me? Catnip? Never.

Snack:
[drops into room] Hey kitty cats. What's happening?

Larry:
[hands plastic bag to Snack] We just found this in Sierra's room.

Snack:
Ahhhh- hah ha! This must take you back Lar. Always had the good stuff, huh buddy?

Larry:
[waving hands and shaking head in "no don't" gesture]

Snack:
Always a party at Larry's. Lots and lots of ladies.

Larry:
[slaps forehead in frustration]

Snack:
Some say they were only there for the 'nip. But hey, at least they were there. Does this ring any bells? [starts to spin on his head] Whoooooooooooooo!

Larry:
[stops Snack's spinning with his hand]

Larry:
[to Kate] Heh. He's not doing it right.

Chutney the Elephant:
It's good you came to see my about your daughter. I've seen it all in my long life: Ravi Sahnkar, The Beatles... that whole crazy scene. Fact: I am Lucy, from "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds". You don't know this because that damn McCartney wants credit for everything.

Larry:
You're Lucy? But you're a guy.

Chutney the Elephant:
It was a weird time for all of us.

Sierra:
[notices a plastic bag that has been thrown on the table by her parents] What's that?

Kate:
Don't get cute. This isn't a game Sierra. It's catnip. [reads from a book] Or as you and your friends might call it: Mulch, snorkel, monkey junk, street cheese or Siamese cole slaw.

Sierra:
What? You think that's mine?

Larry:
We found it in your room.

Sierra:
Oh my God. You searched my room. What happened to privacy?

Sierra:
We saw a movie about a lion that drove a truck! We're not going to let that happen to you.

Sierra:
Well it's not mine!

Kate:
Then who's is it?

Sierra:
I don't know. Maybe one of my friends put it there. Or maybe it's Siegfried and Roy's. I mean that would definetly explain the outfits.

Kate:
Uh-huh. We're supposed to believe that.

Sierra:
Yeah, because it's the truth. [pauses as she looks at her parents] I don't believe it. You don't trust me.

Kate:
No, we don't trust you. For all we know you're high on the... [glances at book again]... Friedman right this minute.

Larry:
[glances over at book in Kate's hands] Honey, that's the doctor who did the study.

Sierra:
You guys are insane.

Larry:
No! We're a new generation of parents. We had a lot of fun, so now you don't have to.

Sierra:
Well congratulations! I didn't want to do drugs before, but now maybe I will.

Larry:
You're grounded.

Sierra:
You are the worst parents EVER!

Larry:
We are not. My parents were!

Larry:
Hunter, what are you doing in Sierra's bed?

Hunter:
She said if I didn't pretend to be her she'd kill Santa.

Larry:
Don't worry buddy, there's no Santa.

Hunter:
W-w-what?

Larry:
[after Hunter refuses to state where his sister is at] So you want to play hardball? Well what's this? [picks up a spray bottle] Oh water! As I recall little kitty cats don't like water.

Hunter:
I don't know where she is!

Larry:
I've cracked harder nuts than you mister. [squirts water in his own face] Ow! I'm hit! Oh! [fall on his back to the floor] Officer down!

Snack:
[at a rave] Hey party people! What comes before Part-B? Part-AAAYYY!

Larry:
[over PA system at the Rave] If any of you touch my daughter, I'll pull out your intestines and eat them while you watch.

Larry:
[Over PA at the Rave] Excuse me, I'm looking for my daughter. Do any of you go to school with my daughter?

Raver #1:
No.

Larry:
Sweetheart, it's ok. We love you.

Flamingo Raver:
[rushes from offscreen] I love you too daddy! [lands in Larry's arms] I don't want to live with mom anymore! [starts bawling loudly]

Larry:
Um... ok. [moves the flamingo over to a speaker]

Flamingo Raver:
[embraces speaker] I love you speaker! [continues bawling]

Chutney the Elephant:
Larry, do you still have that spare key to my house I gave you?

Larry:
What, the turkey lock you out again?

Chutney the Elephant:
I don't know what you're implying, but the turkey's just my roomate. We have seperate bedrooms. It's an economic arrangement. I was tired for cooking for one... ah screw it! I'll get my key from someone else.

Roger the Orangutan:
[bent over, facing Larry and pointing to his rear end] Larry, is that a mole? I can't tell. Be honest.

Larry:
Roger, I can't do a mole check right now.

Roger the Orangutan:
Do you know how much it took to make myself that vulnerable to you, crapface?

Siegfried:
[on stage wearing an astronaut constume] What is this planet we have landed on Roy?

Roy:
[wearing astronaut constume] I know not Siegfried, but it has some very strange creatures on it.

Chutney the Elephant:
Oh, we're strange. What kind of astronaut wears a rhinestone codpiece?

Turkey Roomate:
[gobbling angrily]

Chutney the Elephant:
Yeah? Well, you don't get to have an opinion since you made me sleep on the couch last night. [looks around cautiously at the other animals] Uhh... roomate?

Roy:
We will takes these pandas, of which there are only six in North America, and we will mate them, and create more magnificent giant pandas.

Siegfried:
Once again they shall roam the plains in great herds as they did before the white man came.

Foo-Lin:
My sister has a husband and a baby on the way. I have nothing. Not even my jewerly making business is going well. At least I've got Mr. Right. Mr. Right's the only man who loves me. Aren't you Mr. Right? [holds cat up to her face and rubs her nose against the cat's back] Boodgie, boodgie, boo!

Mr. Right, Foo-Lin's cat:
[mouthing words silently to Larry] HELP ME!

Foo-Lin:
Oh God! I'm gonna be alone forever!

Kate:
No you are not. You'll find someone.

Larry:
Well... realistically Kate, her chances are pretty slim.

Foo-Lin:
Why? Because I'm fat, over 30 and a virgin? Is that what you mean, Larry? Huh? I don't deserve love?

Larry:
No! Because there's only like six pandas left in the entire world. It's just the odds.

Foo-Lin:
[starts crying]

Mr. Right, Foo-Lin's cat:
Tonight she's going to put me in a sailor outfit. Do me a favor, just eat me now.

Larry:
Yeah, you know I would, but housecats give me acid reflux.

Foo-Lin:
Kate, can I sleep over? I don't want to be alone tonight. Or ever. Oh God! What's wrong with me?

Sarmoti:
I'll tell you what's wrong with you: Your ovaries are turning into concrete. Go home. Get out of here!

Foo-Lin:
[laughing] Oh Sarmoti, you always know how to make me laugh.

Siegfried:
[while wearing panda costumes] Do you think the Red Sox are going to go all the way this year?

Roy:
I don't even know you anymore.

Henry Davis, white lion at Rave:
Congratulations! [puts necklace of cat nip sausages around Kate's neck] I crown you "Miss Most Likely to Make Out With Me".

Kate:
Henry Davis? I'm in a bookclub with your mother.

Henry Davis, white lion at Rave:
Oh! [backs away in a robot-like fashion] Abort! Abort! Abort! Abort! Abort!

Donkey:
You know how many times I had to hear "Donkey's an ass", "Donkey's an ass", "Donkey's an ass"? All right, I get it! They're synonyms! I hate synonyms, Larry!

Javier the Jaguar:
I feel sad inside. It is as if my male parts were not as gigantic as they really are.

Sarmoti:
Hey, here comes that Debra chick.

Bernie:
I hear she is wild!

Larry:
The elephant? You're into that?

Bernie:
C'mon, you never had the "Pinned in the Lake" fantasy? You know, I'm just sitting here at the water's edge. Whoops! I slipped. Or did I?

Larry:
I don't know what's going on with Sierra lately. We don't connect anymore.

Kate:
It's just a phase.

Larry:
I know. But what happened to the kid who wouldn't eat a bite of dinner unless she was sitting next to me?

Kate:
If it makes you feel any better she treats me the same way.

Larry:
Well, yeah. But she was never nuts about you.

Store Assistant:
[Siegfried and Roy are buying a gift for the Lions] We don't serve White Lions.

Roy:
Congratulations on being a racist!

Gifted & Talented program Choir:
Bring out the copper kettle, bring out the copper kettle. Take my hand in the feild, my love. Bring out the copper kettle. The copper in the kettle and the kettle in the copper, copper in the kettle in the kettle in the copper... copper.

Martha the Lion:
That was "Copper Kettle"

Larry:
Really?

Larry:
[while on catnip] Hey, I Know You! Copper Kettle! Co-Opper Kettle! Co-PPER KETTLE!

Kate:
That isnt funny, young lady! We were very very furried about you!... Hey, Lar, check it out. I Just said "furried" instead of "worried".

Larry:
Furried, that's awesome... Who are you?

Roy:
Sigfried, I need a new tanning bed!

Siegfried:
Why?

Roy:
I want to be a hue that is "cinnamon", this one only goes to "gypsy".

Carl:
Hey! Larry! Congrats on getting lead lion. How about I buy your breakfast?

Larry:
Thanks, Carl, that'd be great!

Roger the Orangutan:
He,y Larry, can I pick up your tab?

Larry:
Sorry, Roger, Carl already got it for me.

Roger the Orangutan:
Carl... [shouts] Damn you, Carl!

Kate:
We're hoping there's going to be some real chemistry between them.

Sarmoti:
Chemistry? What chemistry? "You're a panda, I'm a panda [pelvic thrusts] oo-ee-oo-ee-oo-ee, thanks for the ride, tell your friends!"