Fletch

Fletch:
As far as you know.

Fletch:
Why? Did you steal the car?

Fletch:
Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.

Fletch:
Oh it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file.

Fletch:
Dr. Rosenrosen, I'm here to get into the records room.

Fletch:
It's Dr. Rosen, I want to check the records room.

Fletch:
Dr. Rosen! Where's the records room?

Fletch:
Do you have caviar?

Fletch:
Oh, then I better just take two of those.

Fletch:
I didn't want to do this, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses.

Fletch:
Oh, you've remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds.

Fletch:
Using the whole fist, Doc?

Fletch:
I'm John.

Gail Stanwyk:
Ohhhh, John. John who?

Fletch:
John Cock... tos... ton.

Gail Stanwyk:
That's a beautiful name.

Fletch:
It's Scotch/Romanian.

Gail Stanwyk:
That's an odd combination.

Fletch:
So were my parents.

Fletch:
Look, defenseless babies!

Madeline:
I'm sorry, who are you again?

Fletch:
I'm Frieda's boss.

Madeline:
Who's Frieda?

Fletch:
My secretary.

Alan Stanwyck:
If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand - and your mouth shut.

Fletch:
Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?

Alan Stanwyck:
It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.

Fletch:
Yeah, I assure you.

Alan Stanwyck:
One thousand just to listen. I don't see how you can pass that up, Mister...?

Fletch:
Nugent. Ted Nugent.

Fletch:
Oh, yes. Very well. I'll have a Bloody Mary, a steak sandwich and a... steak sandwich.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
So where do you know Alan from?

Fletch:
We play tennis together at the club.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
Really. The California Racquet Club?

Fletch:
Yes.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there.

Fletch:
Well, I haven't played in a while because of these kidney pains.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
Right. Now, how long have you been having these pains, Mr. Barber?

Fletch:
That's Babar.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
Two bs?

Fletch:
One. B-A-B-A-R.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
That's two.

Fletch:
Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?

Fletch:
I don't know. I don't have any.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
No children?

Fletch:
No, elephant books.

Fletch:
It was something you wife said while we were in bed together. She said we had the same build. From the waist up I imagine.

Gail Stanwyck:
You ordered lunch to my room.

Fletch:
Well, I knew that's where my mouth would be.

Fletch:
Where am I?

Records Nurse:
You're in the records room.

Fletch:
Oh. Do you have the Beatles White Album? Never mind, just bring me a cup of hot fat. And the head of Alfredo Garcia.

Fletch:
There has been a lot of drug smuggling on the beach lately. I have been trying to find out who's behind it, it hasn't been easy... I don't shower much.

Fat Sam:
I've got some reds.

Fletch:
You don't mean communists do you Sammy?

Fletch:
Did you steal this car?

Teenager:
I sure did!

Fletch:
Well, I'm not sure that's even a crime anymore, there've been a lot of changes in the law.

Fletch:
You know, if you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.

Fletch:
...and who would have known that the Vice President knew I was opening the door, but the Secret Service, they just *whack*

Fletch:
, blood...

Fletch:
No, I'm here with the Underhills.

Fletch:
Oh they'll be back. Ted went out for his urinalysis.

Alan Stanwyck:
You do own rubber gloves?

Fletch:
I rent 'em. I have a lease with an option to buy.

Fletch:
For another grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner.

Pathologist:
Ever seen a spleen that large?

Fletch:
No, not since breakfast.

Fletch:
Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.

Fletch:
This little proposition doesn't entail me dressing as Little Bo-Peep, does it?

Fletch:
I would have been here sooner, but a manure-spreader jacknifed on the Santa Ana. You should see my shoes.

Chief Karlin:
What's your name?

Fletch:
Fletch.

Chief Karlin:
What's your full name?

Fletch:
Fletch F. Fletch.

Chief Karlin:
What do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch?

Fletch:
I'm a shepherd.

Chief Karlin:
Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch?

Fletch:
I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.

Fletch:
Aren't you gonna read me my rights?

Fletch:
I think I'll waive my rights.

Gail Stanwyck:
Look at her would you look at her. She looks like a hooker. Could you love someone who looked like that?

Fletch:
What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.

Stanton Boyd:
What kind of a name is Poon?

Fletch:
Comanche Indian.

Fletch:
Keep ten for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass.

Gummy:
Fletch! Are you all right?

Fletch:
Oh, yeah. I feel like a hundred dollars.

Fletch:
Hey, don't talk to me that way, assface. I don't work for you yet.

Fletch:
I saw Alan this morning and you know what I can't figure out?

Gail Stanwyck:
Alan's in Utah

Fletch:
I... can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.

Fletch:
Tierra Del Fuego.

Fletch:
Can't keep me here, chief.

Chief Karlin:
Maybe I'm not going to keep you here. Maybe I'm going to blow your brains out.

Fletch:
Well, now, I'm no lawyer, but... I do believe that's a violation of my rights.

Fletch:
If you're wearing rubbers, leave them outside.

Chief Karlin:
(shoving Fletch into a wall) Dipshit! You go back on that goddamn beach and you won't live to regret it! OK?

Fletch:
(sees a picture on the wall) Hey, you and Tommy LaSorda!

Chief Karlin:
Yeah.

Fletch:
I hate Tommy LaSorda! (punches glass out of the picture frame)

Fletch:
In the court ruling US vs. Fishbine, a man subjected to potential incineration while wearing another man's suit is entitled to $10,000 worth of airline tickets. It's an obscure ruling, but a very important one to me.

Fletch:
Provo, Spain?

Fletch:
(singing)Strangers in the night, exchanging clothing, strangers in my pants...

Fletch:
Can't do that Frank. Fat Sam isn't the story, there's a source behind him.

Frank Walker:
Who?

Fletch:
Well, their we're in a kinda grey area.

Frank Walker:
How grey?

Fletch:
Charcoal.

Fletch:
Mr. Stanwyk's parents Marvin and Velma of Provo, were unable to attend the wedding. Those are three names I enjoy; Marvin, Velma, and Provo.

Fletch:
Hey! I think our problems may just be solved. Ed McMahon. Think I just won a million bucks. Yeah, Iwin M. Fletcher you choose. Woo wee! Oh boy, I lost. Yeah. Sorry.

Willy:
What the hell you need ball bearings for?

Fletch:
Awww, come on guys, it's so simple maybe you need a refresher course.

Fletch:
Hey! It's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads, and I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.

Fletch:
Thank god, the... police.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
You know, it's a shame about Ed.

Fletch:
Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
He was dying for years.

Fletch:
Sure, but... the end was very... very sudden.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
He was in intensive care for eight weeks.

Fletch:
Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he died. That was extremely sudden.

Gail Stanwyck:
Are you always this forward?

Fletch:
Only with wet, married women.

Fletch:
You know, I came this close to buying this place, but then I found out that Hop-along Cassidy killed himself here.

Alan Stanwyk:
Who?

Fletch:
Hop-along Cassidy. Bow and arrow. Very Weird.

Alan Stanwyk:
What, are you doped up now?

Fletch:
Don't talk to me like that, ass-face, I don't work for you, yet.

Hispanic Housekeeper:
Buenos días.

Fletch:
Pup 'n' Taco.

Waiter:
Excuse me señor, you are a member of the club?

Fletch:
No, I'm here with the Underhills.

Waiter:
The Underhills? They are left, Señor.

Fletch:
Oh they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.

Waiter:
Would you like some drinks, señor, while you wait? I will put it on the Underhills' bill.

Fletch:
Oh, yes. Very good. I'll have a Bloody Mary, a steak sandwich and a...steak sandwich.

Fletch:
I'm a friend of Alan's. I'm John.

Gail Stanwyk:
Ohhhh, John. John who?

Fletch:
John Cock... tos... ton.

Gail Stanwyk:
That's a beautiful name.

Fletch:
It's Scotch-Romanian.

Gail Stanwyk:
That's an odd combination.

Fletch:
So were my parents.

...

Fletch:
I saw Alan this morning and you know what I can't figure out?

Gail Stanwyck:
Alan's in Utah

Fletch:
I...can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.

...

Gail Stanwyck:
You know, if I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who hit on me, I'd be a rich woman.

Fletch:
You ARE a rich woman.

Gail Stanwyck:
See what I mean?

Fletch:
Do you have caviar?

Waiter:
Si señor, Beluga, but it is 80 dollars a portion.

Fletch:
Well, I better just take two portions of that, then.

Gail Stanwyk:
You ordered lunch to my room.

Fletch:
Well, I knew that's where my mouth would be.

Gail Stanwyk:
Are you always this forward?

Fletch:
Only with wet, married women.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
So where do you know Alan from?

Fletch:
We play tennis together at the club.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
Really? The California Racquet Club?

Fletch:
Yes.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there.

Fletch:
Well, I haven't played in a while because of these kidney pains.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
Right. Now, how long have you been having these pains, Mr. Barber?

Fletch:
That's Babar.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
Two bs?

Fletch:
One. B-A-B-A-R.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
That's two.

Fletch:
Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?

Fletch:
I don't know. I don't have any.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
No children?

Fletch:
No, elephant books.

...

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
You know, it's an odd name, Babar...I don't recall seeing it on the club register.

Fletch:
Well, I don't formally belong. I'm a guest of my aunt.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
Your Aunt?

Fletch:
Yes. Mrs. Smith.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
June or Margaret?

Fletch:
Uh-huh, right.

...

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
You know, it's a shame about Ed.

Fletch:
Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
Ahh, he was dying for years.

Fletch:
Sure, but... the end was really... very sudden.

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
He was in intensive care for eight weeks!

Fletch:
Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he actually died. That was extremely sudden.

...

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
Drop your shorts and bend over.

Fletch:
No...we don't have to, I mean, maybe I just haven't been doing enough calisthenics...you know, my kidneys feel a lot better now, maybe if I just bent over like this every morning......

[Dolan inserts his finger into Fletch's anus with an audible "pop" sound]

Fletch:
[singing] Moon River......[talking] Whew...ever serve time, Doc?

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
Breathe easy.

Fletch:
Yeah...breathe easy... Ahh!! Using the whole fist, Doc?!

...

[After the proctological exam]

Dr. Joseph Dolan:
Well, I can't seem to find anything wrong with you, Mr. Babar.

Fletch:
Well, I'm sure it's not for a lack of looking.

Kid:
Are you a cop?

Fletch:
As far as you know.

Kid:
Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?

Fletch:
Why? Did you steal the car?

Kid:
I sure did.

Fletch:
Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.

...

Fletch:
I always use a little chewing gum on these rides. It filters out the pollutants.

Kid:
[Fletch swerves to avoid another car] Oh sh*t!

Fletch:
Of course you've got some good grillwork there to keep out the ozone. I gotta get this thing up to 95, uh, check out the fluorocarbon output.

[Fletch is being framed for drug possession by two very large cops]

Fletch:
Aren't you gonna read me my rights?

Cop:
You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped on by him.

Fletch:
I think I'll waive my rights.

...

Chief Karlin:
[to the arresting officers] Why don't you two leave us alone?

Fletch:
Yeah, go down to the gym and pump each other.

...

Chief Karlin:
What's your name?

Fletch:
Fletch.

Chief Karlin:
What's your full name?

Fletch:
Fletch F. Fletch.

Chief Karlin:
What do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch?

Fletch:
I'm a shepherd.

Chief Karlin:
Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch?

Fletch:
I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.

Frank Walker:
What about this guy, 'Fat Sam'? You said you had pictures of him.

Fletch:
I do have pictures of him. Dealing.

Frank Walker:
Well let's go! We'll run the pictures!

Fletch:
Can't do that, Frank. Fat Sam isn't the story, there's a source behind him.

Frank Walker:
Who's the source?

Fletch:
Well, there we're in kind of a "grey" area.

Frank Walker:
How grey?

Fletch:
Charcoal?

Fletch:
[Talking to the PanAm Reservations Agent at LAX] I hope there's no-one sitting next to me. See, I always fly first class and I take up both seats. I'm in bridge construction and these fold outs take up a tremendous amount of space!

Reservation Agent:
I'm afraid there is somebody sitting next to you...

Fletch:
Oh for god-dahh-dahh! Who is it, Mister Sinilindin?!

Reservation Agent:
No, the name is Cavanaugh.

Fletch:
Ah! Is that Morris or Pierre?

Reservation Agent:
It's Sally-Ann Cavanaugh. She's connecting out of...Provo.

Fletch:
Ah...Provo, Spain?

Reservation Agent:
Utah. In fact, you purchased the ticket for Ms. Cavanaugh.

Fletch:
Doesn't mean I want her sitting next to me, does it?

Fletch:
If you haven't guessed, there's been a lot of drug traffic on the beach lately. And I'm not talking about Robitussin and No-Doz...I'm talking about the hard stuff. I've been posing as an amiable, minor league junkie in order to get to the bottom of it. It hasn't been easy. I don't shower much.

Fletch:
Hey that's you and Tommy Lasorda... [smashes picture] I hate Tommy Lasorda.

Fletch:
Can I call my mother? Tell her how much I love her?

Fletch:
Love your body, Larry.

Fletch:
[narrating] As I pulled up to my palatial, imitation apartment building, I noticed the familiar red Oldsmo-Buick of Mr. Arnold T. Pants, Esquire. Attorney for the former Mrs. Irwin M. Fletcher. Time to use the service entrance.