Flushed Away

The Toad:
You are late, Le Frog.

Le Frog:
Fashionably late, my annoying English cousin. I know no other way.

Toad:
Perhaps you forget that it was a rat who cast me from paradise.

Le Frog:
[Rolling his eyes] Oh please not the scrapbook again.

Toad:
[pulls a book off a shelf] My memoirs, volume one details the dire and tragic story of my youth.

Le Frog:
Oh mon dieu.

Toad:
Of all the pets in Buckingham palace , young Prince Charles fancied me the best. We would frolic day after sunny day in royal abandon sharing that sweet and magical bond between boy and toad.

Le Frog:
You're going to make me throw up.

Toad:
We were inseparable until... it arrived. THAT RAT. While the poor boy's head was turned, I was cruelly plunged into a whirlpool of despair.

Le Frog:
I know, I know you were flushed away down the loo right? Boo hoo hoo, it is so dark, so cold, so terrible. [chuckles]

Toad:
You find my pain funny?

Le Frog:
I find everyone's pain funny but my own, I'm French.

Toad:
[stands up and knocks over a table] Just get that cable.

Tadpole:
Is this the glorious amphibian dawn, dad?

The Toad:
Anything for you, my little man.

Tadpole:
Can I have a pony?

The Toad:
No.

Tadpole:
A puppy?

The Toad:
We'll talk about it.

Tadpole:
Can we talk about it now?

The Toad:
No!

[Suddenly, all of the tadpoles in the tank start clamoring for a puppy]

The Toad:
No! You can't all have puppies, please! Daddy's working!

Liam:
He's gonna steal your boat.

Rita:
He won't steal my boat.

Liam:
He's stealing your boat.

Rita:
He isn't stealing...

Liam:
He stole your boat.

Rita:
What?

Liam:
He's like Robin Hood in reverse.

Roddy:
Whatever's going on, I assure you, I'm not involved. I'm just an innocent bystander.

Spike:
Rita, Rita, Rita. [laughs] Thought you could give us the slip? [Slips and falls] What are you looking at? Keep still! Come on, then! Right! Who have we got here?

Whitey:
I believe he said his name was Millicent Bystander.

Rita:
Tell me about yourself, Roddy.

Roddy:
Well, there's not much to tell.

Rita:
You know everything about me, warts and all. I don't even know what you do.

Roddy:
I'm... I'm in a boy band.

Rita:
What?

Roddy:
Yeah. Yeah, I'm the posh one.

Roddy:
Will you please tell these people I'm not involved in this?

Rita:
Fine. All right, all right, listen up. This gentleman, he's not from around here.

Roddy:
Thank you.

Rita:
Just look how nicely he's dressed.

Roddy:
Ah, thank you.

Rita:
And why? Because he's an international jewel thief!

Roddy:
Precisely... What? No, no!

Le Frog:
We leave immediately!

Henchfrog:
What about dinner?

Le Frog:
We leave... in five hours.

Spike:
Blimy, it's cold.

Whitey:
That's why I wore me mittens.

Spike:
Wha... Hitmen don't wear mittens! Take them off! You're embarrassing me!

Whitey:
It's all right for you. You've got little hands. They don't freeze as much.

Rita:
What are you, some kind of rat boomerang? Give me back my ruby!

Roddy:
I haven't got your ruby!

[the ruby falls on his hand]

Roddy:
Okay. Well, now I've got your ruby.

Roddy:
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Rita:
Please be careful! That ruby means a lot to me. It's priceless!

Roddy:
Hold on. [looks at the ruby] It's a fake.

Rita:
Ha, ha, ha! No, it's gleaming not! It's real!

Roddy:
No, no, look. It's..it’s just glass.

Rita:
It's real!

Roddy:
Fake!

Rita:
Real!

Roddy:
Fake!

Rita:
Real!

Roddy:
Fake!

Rita:
Real!

Roddy:
Fake!

Rita:
Real!

Roddy:
Fake!

Rita:
Real!

Roddy:
Look, look, look, look, look, look, look! You can tell. Watch this. [breaks the ruby]

Rita:
[gasps, whimpers to find the ruby pieces sink in the water]

Roddy:
There, you see? I mean, you can't break a real ruby.

Rita:
[snarls]

Roddy:
Ah, right. I probably should've done that, but look in the bright side, I saved your neck. I mean, once the Toad knows it's worthless, he'll stop chasing you for it. Roddy St. James saves the day. [Rita punches him]

The Toad:
Where are those idiots? [to his tadpoles] It's so hard to get hope these days, my boys. Yes, that's right. [The Toad speaks in a baby voice] Oh, come on out, my lovelies. Cheer your old dad up. Poor Daddy, surrounded by flithy rats in this joyless, sunless void! But don't worry, my little men. Daddy will get rid of them all! He will. They'll all be deady-weady. [The Toad kisses the jar, and his tadpoles hug their daddy from inside. Spike and Whitey arrive. The Toad hides his jar, but still has his baby voice.] Did you find it?

Spike:
Eh?

The Toad:
[snaps out of it] Ah! Did you find it?

Spike:
Well, we got most of it, boss. [he and Whitey show The Toad pieces of the ruby. The Toad knocks it out of their hands]

The Toad:
Forget! The ruby! It's the master cable that I want. The one that grubby creature Rita took.

Spike and Whitey:
Oh!

The Toad:
Without it, my plan is ruined!

Spike:
Okay, chief. Forget the ruby. Ruby's gone. See? See? Moving on. We are now your cable guys.

Whitey:
Focused. Cable-centric, boss.

The Toad:
You need to be back in time for the World Cup Final.

Spike:
Oh, great! Are we watching the game together, boss?

[The Toad growls. Cut to outside his office; Spike and Whitey get thrown through a glass window.]

The Toad:
JUST GET THE CABLE!

Whitey:
Keep your legs straight!

Whitey:
Are you sure about this, Spike? These things are dangerous.

Spike:
Danger is my middle name!

Whitey:
I thought it was Lesley.

Whitey:
Oh, I love a happy ending.

Spike:
Oh, you've gone soft. I like unhappy endings, with lots of violence.