Freakazoid!

Cosgrove:
You're not a failure kid. It's just that your ideas are silly and dumb.

Freakazoid:
Don't let me fall into nothingness! I won't be happy there!

[Left alone at a "Gulliver" show]

Professor Jones:
Freakazoid? Where are you? [pause] Oh, the pain, the pain.

[c.f. _"Lost in Space" (1965)_ (qv)]

Freakazoid:
[on the phone] Guess where I am. I'm at your prison. Me and my friends are gonna rescue the Douglas family and a mime and escape YOU BIG FATHEAD! FATTY FATTY CHUNKY CHUNKY LARDFACE!

Russian Security Minister:
Your death will be very painful. [hangs up] Notify the prison authorities. I want to deal with Freakazoid personally!

Steph:
Freakazoid, you just insulted the security minister and gave him our exact location!

Roddy MacStew:
What was the point, lad? What's your plan?

Freakazoid:
[thinks a moment] OK, I know you're gonna be mad but I forgot the rest of my plan.

Freakazoid:
Aw, nut bunnies.

Dr. Mystico:
They called me mad! Insane! Wendell!

Freakazoid:
Cosgrove, how come you never got married?

Cosgrove:
Because I like meat too much.

Freakazoid:
You can get married and still eat a lot of meat.

Cosgrove:
...I didn't know that.

[after some of his dialogue is poorly lyp-synced]

Freakazoid:
Ugh! Let's watch the lip-sync, okay?

[shot of a giant pair of lips sinking into the ocean]

Freakazoid:
[with poor lip-sync] Ah, thank you!

Cosgrove:
[walking through sewers] What do they call "poo-gas" in Scotland?

Roddy MacStew:
"Crud-vapors".

Cosgrove:
How come you don't say anything useful?

Professor Jones:
How come you have the IQ of a biscuit?

Cosgrove:
[raising his fist] How would you like me to twist your body into funny balloon animal shapes?

Professor Jones:
[laughs nervous] Perhaps I misspoke.

Announcer:
[if the show hypothetically ended short] Since this week's episode ended early, I'll recite some of my favorite naughty limericks. I'm sure you'll find them pleasing and saucy. There once was a woman from Bristow...

Steph:
Maybe we should catch a movie.

Cosgrove:
Good idea. I want to see "Babeheart."

Freakazoid:
What's that?

Cosgrove:
It's about a cute little pig that slaughters the English.

Soldier:
[Movie starts] I say. Look at that little pig over there.

Babeheart:
La, La, La! You dumbheads better get out of Scotland!

Soldier:
And if we don't? [Carnage ensues on screen]

Steph:
This sure is a gory movie.

Cosgrove:
Yeah, but that's one mighty cute pig.

Freakazoid:
I think he deserves some kind of cute pig award!

[repeated line]

Cosgrove:
Cut it out!

Crowd of people:
HUGGBEES!

Announcer:
HUGGBEES!

Moose:
HUGGBEES!

Lady:
Moose...

Freakazoid:
Please, please, leave me alone. I'll give you anything, anything you want, if you'll just go away. How about the just-written script of Batman IV?

Fan Boy:
Plucked it off the internet last night.

Freakazoid:
An autographed picture of Stan Lee?

Fan Boy:
Who's that?

Freakazoid:
No idea. How about your very own Harlan Ellison?

A Lawn Gnome:
We are wise and cunning.

Another Lawn Gnome:
We stole man's fire and then tried to hide it in our pockets.

A Lawn Gnome:
That was painful and dumb. So we became even more cunning.

Steff:
Thanks. [kisses Freakazoid]

Our Narrator:
SCREAM! [someone screams]

Freakazoid:
Knock it off!

Freakazoid:
[in a somewhat more heroic voice] Well I better be going, for somewhere there are wrongs to right. There are foes to fight. There are little chunks of carrot in your teeth. [normal voice] I'd have that taken care of it can lead to insanity.

Steff:
[licks her teeth] When will I see you again?

Freakazoid:
Well, if I know my cartoons, and, I do, I'll be back later on to rescue you from something *Really* horrible! Bye-Bye!

Candle Jack:
I'm going to need more rope.

Freakazoid:
[while making a 'Flying sound', runs in front of, and past, Candle Jack and Steff, goes off screen, then runs back on screen backwards, pauses, and runs toward them] Well if it isn't...

Steff, Dr. Gunther Hunterhanker, Additional Voices:
*No!*

Freakazoid:
What? I was just gonna say...

Steff, Dr. Gunther Hunterhanker, Additional Voices:
*No!*

Dr. Gunther Hunterhanker:
Don't say it!

Freakazoid:
Don't say what?

Steff:
Don't say his name!

Freakazoid:
You mean don't say 'Candle Jack'?

Steff:
[screen wipes] Freakazoid, why did you say his name?

Freakazoid:
'Cause I-I wanted to do one of those funny things like, you remember in F-Troop where Agarn says "There's no way I'm wearin' a dress, absolutely not! No dress!" and Forrest Tucker's like "Yeah your wearin' that dress! Your gonna wear that dress!" and then they wipe [makes a scene wiping noise] and Agarn's wearin a dress. [shows Agarn wearing the dress]

Candle Jack:
Oh, I love that bit. There, I'll be right back, I've got to go charter a bus. Believe it or not.

Freakazoid:
The scariest thing in the world would be if they gave Sinbad another TV show.

Kids:
Aaaah!

The Lobe:
[Watching Seinfeld and laughing] The key to the whole show is Newman.

The Lobe:
I went to all the trouble to think up this brilliant plan, the least you can do is chase me around.

Debbie Douglas:
You spend far too much time on that computer. It's not healthy.

Dexter Douglas:
It's my life.

Debbie Douglas:
That's so very, very sad.

Freakazoid:
If this were an after-school special, ooh, you'd pay a bittersweet price for your little deceit, like getting big oily zits! Or eating off the same plate as David Lee Roth!

[after a long, passionate kiss]

Freakazoid:
That was shallow, cheap, and based solely on hormones. Works for me!

Freakazoid:
[in tough guy voice] Nothing will stand in my way!

Cosgrove:
Hey, Freakazoid! Wanna get a mint?

Freakazoid:
[in normal voice] Okay!

Lord Bravery:
What kind of superhero would call himself Lord Smoked Meats and Fishes?

Mr. Snarzetti:
Ah. One who wants to use the element of surprise.

[repeated line]

Hero Boy:
I must succeed!

Guitierrez:
[Guitierrez tries to find Freakazoid's weakness, he pulls a green rock out of his cloak] Behold, the purest Kryptonite. Are you feeling weak, my friend, oh so weak?

Freakazoid:
That's Superman's weakness, not mine!

Guitierrez:
Really?

Freakazoid:
Yeah, duuuuuuhhh!

Guitierrez:
Oh, that stupid man at the store! Then how about this! [pulls out a yellow pad of paper, and holds it in front of Freakazoid's face] Does the yellow hurt your eyes, my friend? Feeling weak, oh, so very weak?

Freakazoid:
That's Green Lantern!

Guitierrez:
Oh, shoot!

[throws it down, picks up a glass of water and throws it in Freakazoid's face]

Guitierrez:
Then how 'bout some... water in your face! Are you meling, melting, my friend?

Freakazoid:
That's the Wicked Witch!

Guitierrez:
Oh, we're wasting time. What is your weakness?

Freakazoid:
Well...

[quick cut to Freakazoid in a cage]

Freakazoid:
[to self] Dumb, dumb, dumb! Never tell the villian how to trap you in a cage!

Guitierrez:
You probably shouldn't have helped us build it, either.

Freakazoid:
I know. Dumb!

Guitierrez:
So... graphite bars charged with negative ions. That is your weakness, eh?

Freakazoid:
That, or poo gas.

Guitierrez:
You know, it's a funny thing. Nobody likes poo gas, my friend. Blagh!

[Guitierrez is issuing a challenge to Freakazoid through the TV]

Guitierrez:
Why don't you come and see me, Freakazoid? It has been too long since we have exchanged... cordialities face to face.

Professor Jones:
[off camera] That's not a word!

Guitierrez:
Now, I shall have my revenge on you because of what you did to my face!

[pulls off hood to reveal a horribly misshapen and discolored face]

Freakazoid:
[gasps] *Ew*!

Guitierrez:
Yes, my friend. *Ew*!

The Hunstman:
Darn the luck! Darn!

Freakazoid:
The Freakazone is where I have all my profound thoughts. Heres one now 'Take... over Switzerland... get all the chocolate!' off the top of my head-What do you want from me?

Announcer:
We interrupt our program to bring you this important message.

Announcer:
I love you.

Announcer:
Now, back to our show.

[Freakazoid has just driven the Freakmobile into the ocean and it's now filling up with water]

Freakazoid:
Oh, that's right. This car was never designed to operate underwater. Wow. That was important and I forgot it.

Dexter Douglas:
I wish I were home reading funny stories in binary.

Douglas Douglas:
You know, Duncan, you're the only one who ever *sees* this blue guy.

Duncan Douglas:
He's *real*!

Debbie Douglas:
Well, of course he's real to *you* dear, but that's because you're probably insane.

Freakazoid:
I don't want to go down into the sewer. It smells like poo gas.

Freakazoid:
Come on, Cosgrove!

Cosgrove:
I'm not goin' down there. It smells like poo-gas down there.

Freakazoid:
That'a tingled my bottom!

Hans:
She is a beautiful mountain, yes? But in the Cloud lurk... [dramatic pause] spooky things.

Hans:
Now, come. We mustn't linger. It is not safe here at night.

Freakazoid:
It's day.

Hans:
Well, then, I suppose we can linger for a moment.

Cobra Queen:
So, you and Freakazoid going to get married?

Steff:
No. We're kinda just dating right now.

Cobra Queen:
If you don't mind my asking, why are you with him? He's so stupid.

Steff:
He only acts that way for TV. When the camera's off, he's really kinda... normal.

Cobra Queen:
I didn't have many dates when I was your age.

Steff:
Oh, I don't believe that. You're beautiful.

Cobra Queen:
It's true. I had... "skin" problems.

Steff:
Pimples, huh?

Cobra Queen:
No. Shedding.

Steff:
Ugh!

The Lobe:
When they make me into an Orangu-man, I hope they don't put me in a tutu. I'd hate that.

Dr. Mystico:
I'll build a private army of super-apes and take over Cleveland!

Cosgrove:
Don't you mean the world?

Dr. Mystico:
I meant the world, yes. What did I say? Cleveland? Oh, I *always* do that!

Freakazoid:
Stop! What are we doing? I'm a superhero. Cave Guy, Longhorn, you've got the strength of 20 men. Lobe, you're as evil as they get. Leonard, you know every movie ever made. Are we gonna let a few apes scare us? I say we fight!

Lord Bravery:
[to his mother-in-law] Most people your age die. Why won't you?

Alien:
[alien ship lands at the White House and alien walks out] I have traveled many millions of lightyears across forty billion galaxies to come here for the answer to a vital question that concerns the entire universe.

Bill Clinton:
And what is that question?

Alien:
Please tell us, that doll Barbie, what's the name of her little sister?

Bill Clinton:
[whipers] Oh, I think it was Pebbles.

Freakazoid:
[whispers] Let me handle this.

[confidently]

Freakazoid:
It's Skipper!

Alien:
Skipper. Huh.

[alien walks back into the ship]

Alien:
Hey, everyone! It's Skipper!

[aliens cheer]

[moments before a bomb explodes]

Freakazoid:
Allow me to be the first to say, "Ouch!".

Freakazoid:
Now, now, ladies, there's plenty of me for everybody - if not, I'll just have 'em draw me bigger.

Fatman:
I've got a stitch in my side, and I've lost my freshness!

Fatman:
If either of you ever again ridicule an overweight person, I will personally sit on you!

Wailin' Jeepers:
Vorn, I respect your work very much. But let's do this my way, OK?

Vorn the Unspeakable:
I want to eat them! [Freakazoid, Cosgrove, and Professor Jones]

Wailin' Jeepers:
NO!

Vorn the Unspeakable:
What if I eat you?

Wailin' Jeepers:
I . . . would resent that.

Wailin' Jeepers:
[Having finally made a successful Medusa Watch and tested it out on a pigeon] The power of the Gorgons is finally mine! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha, uh oh.

Freakazoid:
Gimme that thing, you nut! [snatches the watch]

Wailin' Jeepers:
Mine! Mine! Give! Mine!

Freakazoid:
Will you stop it! First it was gold beavers, now it's stone pigeons! While don't you get a regular job?!

Wailin' Jeepers:
[snivels a moment] Return my watch, and I'll give you a jar of nickels.

Freakazoid:
Sure! Wait, no, forget it. I'm keeping this until you're responsible enough to have a strange and mystical watch. Bye! [leaves]

Wailin' Jeepers:
Freakzoid will pay. Oh, is he going to get it! I'm very passive aggressive!

Hippie guitar player:
[singing] # Hey man. Whoah man. Hey man. Whoah man. I hate you all. Give me money. Hey man. Whoa man #

Freakazoid:
Say 'Grandma Moses, makes munchy meals most Monday mornings!' GO!

Duncan Douglas:
[at bathroom door] Dexter! Open the door you little dip, I gotta make tinky!

Our Narrator:
Ladies and gentlement, the President of the Motion Picture Association of America, Mr. Jack Valenti.

Jack Valenti:
Hello, I'm Jack Valenti, and these are my cheeks. You know, we get a lot of letters here at the Motion Picture Association of America. And most of them are about my cheeks. Still, there have been a few letters asking us all about Freakazoid. Letters like this one from Miss Ida Lupins of Santa Susana City. And she writes, "Dear Mr. Valenti, I like your cheeks. I'd like to know how Freakazoid got his start as a superhero. What were the special circumstances? My home is made of adobe." Well, Miss Lupins, you're in luck. As it just so happens, we've produced a special little motion picture about Freakazoid's origins that's filled with action and adventure and even features a scene with a man wrestling a bear for no reason. So sit back, relax and enjoy Freakazoid's origins.

Our Narrator:
And now... our feature presentation.

[Scene starts with Roddy and Dexter tied-up in Guitierrez' office]

Roddy MacStew:
You'll never get away with it Guitierrez!

Guitierrez:
Get away with what? I haven't said anything yet.

Roddy MacStew:
You're right. Sorry! I jumped the gun. My fault.

Guitierrez:
I plan on eliminating both of you.

Roddy MacStew:
You'll never get away with it Guitierrez!

Guitierrez:
How did you activate the flaw?

Dexter Douglas:
I... I don't know! Th-the cat did it!

Guitierrez:
[cut to Mr. Chubbikins tied up with them] Bring in the animal psychologist!

[he enters]

Guitierrez:
Ask him how he activated the flaw!

Animal Psychologist:
Meow, meow, meow?

Mr. Chubbikins:
Mrrow... mrrow...

Animal Psychologist:
Meow, meow?

Mr. Chubbikins:
Mrrow... mrrow...

Animal Psychologist:
He says he's very sad.

Guitierrez:
Oh, go away!

Announcer:
We interrupt this program to increase dramatic tension.

Jack Valenti:
We've put together a little motion picture about Freakazoid's origin. It's filled with action and adventure and even features a scene with a man wrestling a bear for no reason.

Freakazoid:
Somehow I've gone back in time. I'm in Hawaii! It's the 1940s! All men wear hats! What gives?

Armondo Guitierrez:
If news of the flaw got out, my company would be ruined.

Roddy MacStew:
At least let the lad go.

Armondo Guitierrez:
No, I cannot.

Roddy MacStew:
Why?

Armondo Guitierrez:
Because he tasks me. He tasks me. Round the moons of Snibya, I chuckle at thee. Beyond the Corpian clouds, I chuckle more at thee. Revenge is a dish best served with pinto beans and muffins. Kirk, old friend, I... Oh, sorry.

Freakazoid:
[looking through binoculars] Hey, what is this place? Palm trees, hula girls, pineapples, hula girls, surfboards, hula girls, hula girls, hula girls! Of course, it all adds up, I've somehow landed in Norway.

Roddy MacStew:
At least let the boy go!

Gutierrez:
No.

Roddy MacStew:
Why not?

Gutierrez:
Because he tasks me! He *tasks* me! Around the moons of Vega, I chuckle at thee. Around the suns of Andromeda, I chuckle more at thee. Revenge is a dish best served with pinto beans and muffins! Kirk, oh, friend, I... Oh!

[fixes tie]

Gutierrez:
I'm sorry...

Freakazoid:
[skips into frame] What am I supposed to do again?

Jack Valenti:
Find Guitierrez!

Freakazoid:
Oh, yeah!

[starts shouting]

Freakazoid:
Mr. Guitierrez? Yoo-hoo! Oli-oli-oxen-free! Mr. Guiterrez! Hey, Guiterrez!

Neighbor:
Hey! What are you doing?

Freakazoid:
I'm fulfilling your request; I'm mowing your lawn.

Neighbor:
While the Lobe's attacking everybody? Go get him already! What are you, wacko?

Wakko Warner:
No, *I'm* Wakko! [singing] Baton Rouge, Lousiana / Indianapolis, Indiana, /And Columbus is the capitol of Ohi...

Freakazoid:
HEY! Wakko, what are you doing here? We're kind of in the middle of something.

Wakko Warner:
Oh, it's okay! Steven loves it when we do this stuff. After all, "Animaniacs" is his favorite.

Freakazoid:
Uh, sorry to break this to you, Wakko, but if I'm not mistaken, "Freakazoid!" is Steven's favorite show. We got a memo.

The Brain:
Ahem, I believe you're both mistaken. It is the sophisticated wit and charm of "Pinky and the Brain" that has captured Steven's heart, as well as making it the breakaway hit of the WB's schedule.

Freakazoid:
Well, why don't we just go find out?

[Later, at the Amblin Entertainment building, they continue to argue]

Steven Spielberg:
QUIET! Now what's this about?

Freakazoid:
First of all, Steven, thank you very much for taking the time to meet with us. We realize you're very busy, and...

The Brain:
Oh, just ask him!

Freakazoid:
We were just wondering... who's your favorite?

Steven Spielberg:
Who are you people?

The Lobe:
[Someone screaming as the Lobe chases after him with a death ray] Top o' the mornin' Freakazoid!

Freakazoid's Neighbour:
Hey what are you doing?

Freakazoid:
I'm fulfilling your request. I'm mowing your lawn.

Freakazoid's Neighbour:
While the Lobe is attacking everyone? Are you whacko?

Wakko Warner:
No I'm Wakko! Baton Rouge Lousiana, Indiapolis, Indiana, and Columbus is the capital of Ohio.

Freakazoid:
Wakko what are you doing? We're in the middle of something.

Wakko Warner:
Oh it's okay. Steven likes it when we do this after all Animaniacs is his favorite.

Freakazoid:
Uh sorry to break this to you Wakko but if I'm not mistaken Freakazoid is Steven's favourite. We got a memo.

The Brain:
I believe you're both mistaken. It is the sophisticated wit and charm of Pinky and the Brain that has captured Steven's heart as well as making it the break away hit of the Kids WB's schedule.

Stephen Speilberg:
QUIET! Now what's this all about?

Freakazoid:
First of all Steven thank you very much for taking the time to meet with us. We know you're very busy and...

The Brain:
Oh just ask him!

Freakazoid:
Who's your favorite?

Stephen Speilberg:
Who are you people?

Sgt. Mike Cosgrove:
Sorry I didn't help you out sooner kid. I thought you were doing one of your little skits.

Freakazoid:
I don't know what it is, Cosgrove. It's like... all of a sudden there was this disruption in my energy field.

Sgt. Mike Cosgrove:
You mean like that force thingy is Star Wars?

Freakazoid:
Yeah, that's it!

Sgt. Mike Cosgrove:
I like that movie. Carrie Fisher's a real cutie pie.

Armondo Guitierrez:
I don't want to wait a few more weeks! I must have access to the internet NOW! Today!

Warden Riba:
It's just that, prisoners aren't supposed to have phones!

Armondo Guitierrez:
If I don't get a phone line lickity split, I shall squeeze you. And I shall keep on squeezing you until all your man juices run dry!

Warden Riba:
...Ew.

Roddy MacStew:
Ever since Guitierrez entered the net, he's been busy setting up some deranged trap for you. When I tried to see what it was, he found me and kicked me out. He's amazingly powerful.

Freakazoid:
If it's a trap, why do you want me to go in?

Roddy MacStew:
You don't have a choice, lad. The reason you're so weak is Guitierrez sabotaged that energy field that powers you here on the outside. If you didn't go in, another hour or so, you'd be no better then a dried up piece of fleshy haggis! Ooh, he's figured it all out! He's baiting you, lad. He's made sure you have no choice but to go in after him. He means to destroy ye.

Freakazoid:
Boy, you've got a lot of lines in this show.

Roddy MacStew:
Aye! That's what I told them! But no! All the cruddy exposition goes to me! I've got to talk and talk, and fiddle with the computer and talk so more, and fiddle and talk! I feel like Obi-Wan Cruddy Kenobi!

Freakazoid:
Roddy... settle.

Roddy MacStew:
Alright, we're ready.

Freakazoid:
Aren't you coming?

Roddy MacStew:
Nay, Guitierrez has locked me out. He wants you... alone. There! That's the last of the cruddy exposition, thank you very much!

Freakazoid:
Hey, you've been doing sit-ups!

Armondo Guitierrez:
I took the liberty of improving up on the flaw that created us both. I am not more powerful then you can possibly imagine!

Freakazoid:
Yes but can you dance?

[Guitierrez perfroms some fast and impressive dance steps]

Armondo Guitierrez:
Yes!

Freakazoid:
Wow...

Freakazoid:
You weenie!

Armondo Guitierrez:
A weenie? YOU are the weenie! And now I will have my revenge! It is because of you that I spent six long months locked away in a prison cell! Six months caged like an animal in a cage!

Freakazoid:
Kay... settle.

Armondo Guitierrez:
I will enjoy watching you perish, Freakazoid! Ha ha ha ha ha! Laugh with me, laugh with me! [laughs]

Freakazoid:
He's such a weenie.

Armondo Guitierrez:
I am not a weenie! You are the weenie!

Freakazoid:
A bowl! I got a bowl! Good for me!

Freakazoid:
Good for me!

Armondo Guitierrez:
Yes, good for you, Freakazoid. I must say I'm surprised. Well done.

Freakazoid:
Can I go now?

Armondo Guitierrez:
Oh no, my friend. We have had our fun, but now it is time for you to be eliminated.

Freakazoid:
But you said...

Armondo Guitierrez:
I said if you found the key you would not be "deleted". I made no other promises.

Freakazoid:
You ween...

Armondo Guitierrez:
Don't say the weenie word! No, no no!

Armondo Guitierrez:
Freakazoid, help me! Would you let your father fall?

Freakazoid:
My father? You're my father?

Armondo Guitierrez:
Oh, yes, I am your father.

Freakazoid:
Well, who...? Who was my mother?

Armondo Guitierrez:
Uh, uh... Faye Dunaway.

Freakazoid:
No, she's not!

Armondo Guitierrez:
Uh... Kaye Ballard?

Freakazoid:
Kaye? Nah.

Armondo Guitierrez:
Would you believe Sandy Duncan?

Freakazoid:
I tried looking for Guitierrez, but he was gone. So i fixed my power supply and made sure Roddy wasn't locked out anymore.

Roddy MacStew:
Good job, lad.

Sgt. Mike Cosgrove:
Pretty interesting story, Freakazoid. But there's something I don't get.

Freakazoid:
What's that, Cosgrove?

Sgt. Mike Cosgrove:
In that movie "Congo", how do you tell the difference between the real monkey and the guy in a monkey suit?

Guitierrez:
I am stronger than you, faster than you, and better than you.

Freakazoid:
Yes, but can you dance?

Guitierrez:
[does a short step dance] Yes.

Freakazoid:
[hushed whisper] Wow.

Freakazoid:
KICK ME WITH A LEAD BOOT!