Full House

[repeated line]

Duane:
Whatever...

Steph:
Michelle, you are old enough to hear this... How rude!

Michelle:
[to Uncle Jesse] Why does she always say that?

[repeated line]

Michelle:
You got it, dude.

[repeated line]

Jesse:
Have mercy!

[repeated line]

Michelle:
You're in big trouble, mister!

Kimmy Gibbler:
[talking to D.J] Your sister is such a tattle-tale.

Steph:
I am not and I'm telling you said that.

[Joey sniffs Jesse's hair]

Joey:
Gee, your hair smells like melon. What are you using?

Jesse:
Oh, it's this new product called 'Gee, Your Hair Smells like Melon.'

D.J.:
Kimmy called me a geek-burger.

Jesse:
Joseph, it's finally happened! He's cleaning liquid soap!

Danny Tanner:
Don't be silly. I'm just cleaning my rubber gloves.

Joey:
Danny, there's no shame in therapy.

Danny Tanner:
[puts a record on and starts dancing] This is Danny Tanner reminding *you* that disco will never die!

Steph:
[Danny holds up a picture of a little DJ] I was adorable!

D.J.:
Steph, that's me!

Steph:
My, how you've aged.

Danny Tanner:
Okay girls. Lets pick a name for our new puppy. Michelle do you have a name for the puppy?

Michelle:
Yes I do. Michelle.

Danny Tanner:
That's your name.

Michelle:
I like my name.

Steph:
Mr. Bear and I have the perfect name. Mr.Dog!

D.J.:
Mr.Dog? Steph when you have a kid someday what are you going to name it? Mr.Baby?

Steph:
Not if its a girl.

Danny Tanner:
I think we should name him something that fits his personality. Like... Puddles.

D.J.:
Dad I have the perfect name! Comet. Because he's fast and he has a tail.

Danny Tanner:
And he only hits the newspaper once every 76 years.

D.J.:
Cathy Santoni is a complete bimbo. She signed up for Shop Class cause she thought it was taught at the mall.

Jesse:
[repeated line, answering phone] Talk to me.

Steph:
Oh no, it's Kimmy Gibbleburger!

[repeated line]

Steph:
How rude!

Kimmy Gibbler:
DJ, what are you doing dancing with Elliott? You SHOULD be dancing with Kevin Gwin.

D.J.:
I would but Kevin didn't ask me!

Kimmy Gibbler:
Then ask HIM! It's very simple, watch. [Turns to Jake Bitterman] Hey, Bitterman, you wanna dance?

Jake Bitterman:
Sure, why not?

Kimmy Gibbler:
Maybe later, I'm busy.

Steph:
[alarm clock goes off] What time is it?

D.J.:
It's 3:47. I was born on this day at exactly 3:48.

Steph:
You have an excellent memory.

D.J.:
[gets out of bed and looks at watch] 3, 2, 1, yes. [looks in mirror] I am now officially a teenager

Steph:
Well pina rose on your nose

D.J.:
I gotta rest up for my party tonight. Oh, and don't forget, you're not invited

Steph:
I liked you better when you were a kid

D.J.:
Well, those days are over. You are now sharing a room with a sophisticated, mature young woman. [gets into bed] I'M 13! [bouncing in bed]

Steph:
[sits up] shhhhhh!

Becky:
We have the best kids in the world.

[Joey whimpers]

Becky:
All three of them.

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
[Getting ready to square dance] I hate to get technical but we formed a triangle.

Rebecca 'Becky' Donaldson:
It will be much more square when my parents get here.

Jesse Katsopolis:
You ain't kidding.

Rebecca 'Becky' Donaldson:
What?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Oh, I said... I'll do your bidding.

Rebecca 'Becky' Donaldson:
That's all I ask.

Michelle:
Hello? I'd like to order some vermin.

[Kimmy walks in]

Lou Bond:
[strong English accent] You again. Who arrre you?

Kimmy Gibbler:
[imitating his accent] The next-door neigh-barrr.

[last lines]

Michelle:
We all live here.

Nick Katsopolis:
[to Becky after she paid $1700 for Jesse in a date auction] You know you could've had him for free.

Steph:
[while playing cards with Grandpa Nick] I'll see your Flintstones' and raise you three Hello Kittys. Let's see what you got.

Nick Katsopolis:
Seven kings. Beat that.

Steph:
Seven aces.

Michelle Tanner:
[puts her cards on the table] Bingo.

Danny Tanner:
Michelle is getting an academic foundation that's going to carry her through grades K through 12, through college, through Harvard law school. Jess, you have robbed our nation of one of the finest legal minds the supreme court has ever known.

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
I gotta go potty.

Michelle:
Uncle Jesse, Aaron stole my elephant.

Jesse:
That's not right, take his cookie. If somebody does something to you, do it back.

Aaron Bailey:
Hey, you stole my camel.

Michelle:
It's in my tummy now. He, he, he.

Stephanie Tanner:
Can I ask a question? Aren't I too young to get pimples?

Danny Tanner:
Uh-oh. Stephanie, those aren't pimples. I think they're chicken pox.

Stephanie Tanner:
Chicken pox? I caught something from a chicken?

Joey Gladstone:
I never had them and I never will. I'm immune to chicken pox.

Jesse Cochran:
You can't be immune to chicken pox, huh!

Joey Gladstone:
Ever kid in my school had them but me. I guess when you're an awesome physical specimen like my own bad self, germs take one look at my body and say, 'Hey, why waste our time?'

Jesse Cochran:
Women say the same thing.

Joey Gladstone:
That's right.

Jesse Cochran:
How do I look?

Danny Tanner:
Like you should be spinning from the ceiling of a disco.

Kimmy Gibbler:
[Attempting to get some mistletoe kisses] Come on, don't be shy. [Comet comes running in and starts licking Kimmy] Miles, you animal.

Danny Tanner:
Joey, careful, I don't want any pine needles or pine sap on the floor.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Well then a pine tree was a good choice.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Don't worry, Beck, you never know, Jack Frost might dump a whole blizzard in your backyard.

Becky Katsopolis:
Yeah right and Santa goes surfing.

Becky Katsopolis:
[Jesse filled the whole backyard with snow] How did you do this?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Well I don't like to explain my miracles but if I must, Santa knows a guy who makes snow cones and I bought 17,000 of them.

Michelle Tanner:
I hope Santa brings me that new Barbie doll.

Stephanie Tanner:
Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, you don't ask Santa for *just* a Barbie.

Michelle Tanner:
I know, that's why I also asked for a hula hoop and a doll house and another hula hoop incase the other one gets lost.

Stephanie Tanner:
That's the spirit.

Jesse Katsopolis:
I hope you girls realize that Christmas is more than just about presents.

Stephanie Tanner:
That's true, you can also return them for cash.

Joey Gladstone:
Nice sentiment, Steph, I think you ought to phone that one in to Hallmark.

Michelle Tanner:
Daddy sleeps loud!

Michelle Tanner:
Aunt Becky, I have a question. What's a boy ladybug called?

Rebecca Katsopolis:
[thinks for a moment] Confused.

[repeated line]

Michelle:
Ah, nuts!

Joey Gladstone:
Look at this, Michelle. 'Psyche hit by lightning.' Boy, if he was any good, he would have seen that coming!

Jesse Katsopolis:
They ask such idiotic questions. Nobody knows how far away your supposed to park from a railroad track.

Danny Tanner, Joey Gladstone:
Seven and a half feet.

Danny Tanner:
How did you pass your test last time?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Well, I accidentally glimpsed at the person's paper sitting next to me. This time they passed out different tests. I don't get it. It's like they don't trust us or something...

Danny Tanner:
I don't get it. I drive the freeways. They give ever idiot a driver's license.

Joey Gladstone:
[Looks at Jesse] Not every idiot.

Becky:
Dustin? You would name our child Dustin?

Jesse:
Yeah, you got a better name?

Becky:
I sure do... Emily!

Jesse:
No son of ours is gonna be named Emily!

Becky:
Our daughter's name is Emily! Our son's name is Prescott.

Jesse:
Prescott? You might as well name him Emily!

Becky:
Prescott!

Jesse:
Dustin!

Becky:
Prescott!

Jesse:
Dustin!

Becky:
Prescott!

Jesse:
Wait... when did we have a kid?

Steph:
D.J., I know you said that the Wolfman wasn't real, but if he was, would he be driving an Isuzu?

D.J. Tanner:
Remember when you saw The Blob? You wouldn't touch Jell-o for a month!

Steph:
So? I saw The Wizard of Oz and I wasn't scared of the Wicked Witch.

Steph:
Mr. Bear, did George Michael have that much facial hair last night? [pause] I didn't think so. [runs out]

Jesse:
Golf is for little old ladies.

Rebecca Donaldson:
I play golf.

Jesse:
And hot, young babes.

Rebecca Donaldson:
You girls are going to have so much fun. Junior High is when I got my first boyfriend... my first slow dance... my first slow kiss... [Danny gives her the 'dad' look]... And then I woke up and it was all a dream.

Themselves:
Ba ba ba... Barbara Ann.

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
Ba ba ba... Barbara Ann.

Themselves:
Oh, Barbara Ann, take my hand. Barbara Ann, you got me rock and a roll. Rock and a reel.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Ba ba ba ba ba ba.

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
I am stoked! Whatever that means.

D.J. Tanner:
There's nothing here; who's eaten all the food?

Stephanie Tanner:
Your boyfriend, Robomouth.

Joey Gladstone:
Jess, you don't understand. Patty was THE one. I was gonna ask her to marry me.

Danny Tanner:
Until she walked out on you. No phone call. No goodbye.

Joey Gladstone:
She left me a note.

Danny Tanner:
On her new boyfriend's stationary. Face it, Joey. She just ripped out your heart, and threw it on the ground... and did the Mexican hat dance on it.

Danny Tanner:
Jesse, I am about to make you a very happy man. According to your short form, you were getting back a measly... $352 tax refund. But thanks to using the long form, you are now entitled to... Pay the government $48.17.

Jesse Katsopolis:
I have to pay? I've been up all night with you. Haven't I paid enough?

Danny Tanner:
Kimmy, did you handcuff my daughters together?

Kimmy Gibbler:
Boy, nothing gets by you.

Danny Tanner:
And I have prepared a nutritious snack of celery sticks for her little friends.

Joey Gladstone:
Mm. Celery sticks, every kids' favorite. I remember every Halloween, I used to head straight to the houses that gave out celery.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Michelle, now, you don't want grow up and be selfish like Becky. [Becky listening in on baby monitor] Next thing you know, you won't wanna go hear your boyfriend sing. I don't know what's gotten into Becky lately, but she's really starting to get on my nerves.

Joey Gladstone:
After seven already? I better check that garbage disposal. [Becky Jumps over counter and turns off disposal]

Jesse Katsopolis:
I mean, sometimes she gets so stubborn and pigheaded.

Rebecca Donaldson:
[to Joey] Excuse me. [Runs up stairs with baby monitor]

Jesse Katsopolis:
You know, sometimes those things pic up other people's houses.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Michelle, why can't Becky just realize your Uncle Jesse is right? I mean, it's so simple... [hears echo] So simp... [turns around to see Becky holding up baby monitor]

Stephanie Tanner:
Dad, the tooth fairy left me twenty dollars!

Danny Tanner:
Twenty dollars? Wow baby!

D.J. Tanner:
This isn't fair, Dad. How come the tooth fairy never left me that kind of cash?

Danny Tanner:
Well, possibly the tooth fairy was fumbling around in the dark... and uh... accidentally took the wrong bill out of his... or her... wallet.

D.J. Tanner:
Well, I certainly hope the allowance fairy makes the same mistake.

Joey:
Hey, if you're going to steal my jokes, steal 'em right, you yahoo bird!

Danny Tanner:
Joey, break a leg.

Stephanie Tanner:
Break a leg?

Danny Tanner:
That means good luck.

Stephanie Tanner:
Oh. Poke an eye out, Joey.

[two of the Beach Boys visit; Jesse enters with his hair wrapped in cellophane for dying]

Jesse Katsopolis:
Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho, the Beach Boys!

Mike Love:
Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho, Miss Clairol!

Jesse Katsopolis:
Dr. Love, how ya doin'? Bruce, how ya doin'? Heh heh, it's the Beach Boys... heh heh, I've got my hair in a... heh heh, heh heh...

Jesse Katsopolis:
[aside to Becky, annoyed] Thanks for the warning.

Rebecca 'Becky' Katsopolis:
Well, how was I supposed to know you'd be dying your hair - why are you dying your hair?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Because I'm worth it.

Stephanie Tanner, Danny Tanner, Michelle Tanner, 1st Honeybee, 2nd Honeybee, 3rd Honeybee, 4th Honeybee, 5th Honeybee, 6th Honeybee:
I pledge my love and loyalty, to all he hive and every bee, our motto is and ever was: buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.

Jesse Katsopolis:
[gets caught up in learning dance moves and goes down in a split, high pitched] Becky! Ice!

Kimmy Gibbler:
Please, Deej, I can't conjugate anymore Spanish, it's after midnight, can we stop now?

D.J. Tanner:
In espa?ol.

Kimmy Gibbler:
El sleepo beggo please-o!

Kimmy Gibbler:
Why do I have to learn Spanish? All I need to know are 3 words: food, boys, and bathroom.

D.J. Tanner:
True, but you don't want to get them mixed up. Sentarse muchacha.

Kimmy Gibbler:
No time for dancing, we gotta go study.

Rebecca Katsopolis:
[at a video shoot, where things keep going wrong] Well, I'd say things are going great.

Gary:
We've been here for 4 hours and I don't have one reel of usable film!

Rebecca Katsopolis:
Yeah but this uh, this tuna? [holds up sandwich] Great!

Gary:
[Michelle offered Jesse her ant farm money for his record label] Who could give you a better deal than us?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Well, this 5 year old company, small but very generous, and they really love me.

Gary:
How much money they talking?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Big money... enough to buy a farm.

Joey Gladstone:
They need us down at the radio station right away.

Jesse Katsopolis:
What're you talkin' about? We're the Rush-Hour Renegades; what happened to the Lunchtime Lunatics?

Joey Gladstone:
Well, they quit; they got in a big argument with the Morning Maniacs over who was gonna fill in for the Weekend Wackos.

Danny Tanner:
[After reading Dr. Suess, Michelle is refusing to go to sleep] Don't shake your head. Your story is read. Now, you must go to bed. To bed, I said.

Jesse:
Danny, you really gotta cut back on the Dr. Suess.

Michelle:
Can I watch Arsenio?

Danny Tanner:
What do you think?

Michelle:
I think it's time for bed.

Danny Tanner:
That's right. It's time for bed. To bed, I said.

Michelle:
Daddy, am I still your little princess?

Danny Tanner:
Oh, you got it, dude.

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
Am I the raddest, baddest dad a kid ever had?

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
Right up until you said that.

Jesse:
[to Danny after D.J. and Stephanie are fighting over Tommy Page] Next time you bring a star home I suggest Angela Lansbury.

Kimmy Gibbler:
Tommy! Hi, I'm Stephanie Tanner's best friend Kimmy Gibbler. Can I have your autograph? Just write "To Kimmy, the woman of my dreams."

Danny Tanner:
Kimmy, he writes music not science fiction.

[repeated line]

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
I can't believe you did that.

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
Breakfast is ready. We're having pan... [sees Jesse's hair]... cuts.

Joseph 'Joey' Gladstone:
[upon seeing Jesse's new haircut] You went from Eddie Van Halen to Pee-Wee Van Herman.

Steph:
[talking to Jesse while cutting his hair] So, do you know who Miss Piggy's been dating lately?

Steph:
I can't leave the room. I grounded myself until I'm 82.

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
You are not grounded! I'm your father and I'm ordering you to play with your toys.

Steph:
Daddy, please don't make me have fun.

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
I'm sorry, honey, but someday when you're a parent you'll understand.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Tell the little rugrat she's wacko.

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
You tell the little rugrat she's wacko! But in a nicer way.

Stephanie Tanner:
Daddy, take it easy. You're hugging other people's kids.

Jesse Cochran:
Joseph and I must deal with your misconduct, young lady! Misconduct? Young lady? I really am turning into my father. If I start wearing a white belt and shoes to match, throw me down the stairs.

Danny Tanner:
I don't know why... I don't know why... I don't know why I'm wagging my finger at you like this.

[D.J. has brought her horse inside the house]

Joey:
This is great. Danny's going to walk in here, see this horse and blame me for the whole thing and do you know why? [laughs] Because this is *very* funny.

D.J. Tanner:
I'll tell you what, if you can keep this secret for two weeks, I'll let you own part of the house.

Stephanie Tanner:
Which part do I get?

D.J. Tanner:
The tail.

Stephanie Tanner:
My very own tail?

Stephanie Tanner:
Don't get me in trouble. Hide the tail!

Danny Tanner:
Sorry I'm late. I was doing a feature on 'Great moments in bowling,' and I got hung up when I couldn't find a second moment.

D.J. Tanner:
Oh Dad, after Stephanie's recital, we hit the big sale at the Fashion Mart. Everything is half off.

Danny Tanner:
Of course that doesn't save me any money 'cause you'll just buy twice as much stuff, right?

D.J. Tanner:
I like your attitude.

Steph:
Hello Daddy, I am Stephanie Tanner and this jar of honey is tax duckbills... Happy Birthday!

Jesse Cochran:
Danny, you are smitten with her.

Danny Tanner:
I am not smitten.

Jesse Cochran:
I know smitten. You are smut!

Becky:
[Jesse, Danny and Joey are competing against each other in a race, which Becky is filming for their show] For those of you who think you're watching a slow-motion replay, do not be fooled. They are actually moving at this speed.

D.J.:
I'm older.

Steph:
I'm younger.

D.J.:
I'm taller.

Steph:
I'm shorter.

D.J.:
I'm smarter.

Steph:
I'm... not falling for that.

Pete Bianco:
Goodbye, Filth Ball.

Michelle Tanner:
The doggie ate my ouce-cream!

Jesse:
[D.J. wants to learn to drive with Danny] Hey, Danny, come on. I'm sure when you were 15 you were dyin' to get behind the wheel of your mom's Pacer.

Danny:
Not me. I was perfectly happy taking the bus. And my dates were very impressed with the extra leg room.

Danny:
Okay, I'll teach you to drive.

D.J.:
Thanks, Dad, you're the greatest. Let's go.

Danny:
First let me shower, shave, and, you know, paint the house.

D.J.:
[Danny is teaching D.J. to drive his car] Okay, car on.

[starts engine]

Danny:
Whoa, whoa, aren't you forgetting something?

D.J.:
Oh, yeah. Radio on.

[turns on radio; classical music plays]

D.J.:
Ooh, Dad.

[changes station to rock]

D.J.:
[Danny turns off radio] Dad, I have to learn to drive with music like any normal person.

Danny:
I don't want you driving like a normal person. I want you driving like me.

Danny:
[teaching D.J. to drive in his car] Follow my instructions completely now. First, adjust the mirrors. Very good. Now, Deej, listen to me. Get your radar out. Examine the big picture. Check for traffic, pedestrians, stray cattle...

D.J.:
Dad, we're in an empty parking lot.

Danny:
Are you going to question every instruction I give you?

D.J.:
Sorry. No cattle.

Danny:
Now, secure the litter bag.

D.J.:
This is unbelievable.

[Danny gives her a look]

D.J.:
Litter bag secure, sir.

Danny:
[slowly coasting through an empty parking lot in Danny's car] This is nice. See, there's no need to be a speed demon.

D.J.:
Dad, I think a snail just passed us.

Danny:
Wait, stop! Stop!

D.J.:
Now what?

Danny:
You're heading straight for that tree, don't you see it?

[the tree is located far on the other side of the lot]

D.J.:
You can't mean that tree at the other end of the lot. Dad, I am nowhere near it.

Danny:
I didn't say you were near it. I asked you if you SAW it. D.J., you are never going to learn to drive if you don't listen to me.

D.J.:
Well, I'll never learn because you don't want me to learn!

Danny:
Oh, okay. Okay, that's it. You are way too emotional to be in the driver's seat. Switch places.

D.J.:
Fine.

Danny:
Fine.

D.J.:
[Danny and Jesse are arguing] Hey, if you two won't behave, I'll turn this car right around and go straight home.

Danny:
Sorry.

D.J.:
Okay. Signal. Check my mirror. Look over my shoulder. And pull out into traffic for the very first time. I'm really driving!

Jesse:
Pretty good, huh, Danny?

Danny:
Yeah, I'm actually feeling good about this.

D.J.:
Can I turn on the radio?

Danny, Jesse:
No.

Becky:
Sweetheart, lots of babies are bald.

Jesse:
Not me. When I was born, the doctor smacked my butt and gave me a blow dryer.

Jesse:
Okay, Deej, what've you learned so far?

D.J.:
To check for cows and secure the litter bag.

Jesse:
Oh great, if a cow needs to throw away a piece of gum, we'll be good.

Danny:
I just got back from taking D.J. to her written test. It's horrible.

Jesse:
She failed, huh?

D.J.:
[runs in] I PASSED!

Kimmy Gibbler:
[comes in behind her] I failed! I can't believe it! I copied every one of D.J.'s answers!

Jesse:
Kimmy, they give everyone different tests so nobody can cheat.

Kimmy Gibbler:
They do? Well that's what's wrong with this world, nobody trusts anyone.

Kimmy Gibbler:
[passing her written test] It was amazing! I read the book, I took the test, and I remembered the stuff I read!

D.J.:
You mean you studied?

Kimmy Gibbler:
Is that what I did? Wow!

Kimmy Gibbler:
My dad's taking me for my first test drive. Oh the joker, he's wearing a blindfold. See ya. [leaves]

D.J.:
For the first time in my lief, I wish I was a Gibbler.

Danny:
I don't know, Deej, are you sure you want to learn to drive by a guy dressed like a pirate?

Jesse:
It's a do-rag, and it's gone, alright? I can teach her to drive.

Jesse Katsopolis:
[to D.J] I can't sponsor your Stay in School campaign because I didn't stay in school. I'm a dropout.

Kimmy Gibbler:
Stay in school, don't drop out, even if you have to glue your butt to the chair.

Stephanie Tanner:
[Kimmy offers her a bribe to vote for her school slogan] You can't buy my vote... but you can rent it for an hour.

Jesse Katsopolis:
You can't quit, don't you want to learn to tie your shoes?

Michelle Tanner:
Don't you want to finish school?

Jesse Katsopolis:
If you throw away all your shoes, what're you going to wear on your feet?

Michelle Tanner:
Sandals, slippers, anything with Velcro.

D.J.:
Dad, you've got to do something. Listen to my report card. It's so unfair.

D.J.:
[reading her grades off her report card] A, A, A, A, A ...

Joey:
How dare they? This is an outrage.

Linda Mosley:
Hasta luego.

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
Ah... El Pollo Loco!

D.J.:
Dad, listen to my report card it's an outrage! A, A, A, A, A, A...

Joey:
How dare they!

D.J.:
Listen to my Spanish grade: D

Danny Tanner:
A D in Spanish? Que pasa?

D.J.:
Huh?

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
[in an attempt to dry her hands, Stephanie has wrapped herself in toilet paper] You know, these things should really come with instructions.

Mickey:
Yeah, it is pretty complicated.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
[on why she won't smoke] I'm trying to quit. You should have seen my last chest x-ray.

Mickey:
Hey Steph, You wanna do something after school?

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Ah, I do, but my lungs don't.

Steven 'Steve' Hale:
Kissing a girl who smokes is like kissing an ash tray.

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
What ash tray have you been kissing?

Steven 'Steve' Hale:
My Aunt Ida. I mean I love her, but she smokes so much, her Dalmatian is all black.

Gia Mahan:
Sixth graders are a waste of skin.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
You should know. You were there for three years.

Gia Mahan:
It was two. So ha!

Aaron Bailey:
[after looking in refrigerator] This fridge is a joke! No Ding-Dongs, no Ho-Ho's, no Nutty Buddy's... it's bone-dry!

Danny Tanner:
I have raisins.

Aaron Bailey:
I'm allergic to raisins. My lips blow up and I can't talk when I eat raisins!

Danny Tanner:
...raisins it is then!

Steph:
[after changing the twins; to Kimmy] You can breathe now.

Kimmy Gibbler:
I had a traumatic experience with squash once - I ate one.

Kimmy Gibbler:
Pete? He's a legend. Girls throw themselves at him. They say he's never heard the word "No."

Steph:
What a day. DJ was playing all day with Kimmy gibble burger.

Kimmy Gibbler:
Good morning, I'm here for the weekend.

[Jesse and Joey look at each other and scream]

Danny Tanner:
Jesse, do you need a hug?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Haven't I been through enough?

Danny Tanner:
Uncle J, can I see you in the K? Right away?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Yes, you may.

Michelle:
Daddy's a girl.

Steph:
No, he's a women.

Kimmy Gibbler:
An ugly women.

Kimmy Gibbler:
Your dad's in the slammer? What'd he do, dust bust a cop?

Joey Gladstone:
[rough voice] So, what're you in for?

Tough Prisoner:
Scalping.

Danny Tanner:
Tickets?

Tough Prisoner:
No.

Joey Gladstone:
[impersonating a woman at the sororiety reunion] Hi, I'm Sheila and I have no class.

D.J. Tanner:
Stef, it may be spring cleaning to you, but to Dad... it's Christmas!

D.J. Tanner:
Stef, let's try to talk about something else besides Mr. Bear.

Stephanie Tanner:
Okay, let's talk about Joey. Why did he give away Mr. Bear?

Iorgos:
He gives her the flowers, they dance around the table and... that's what it's all about!

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
That's not a wedding. That's the hokey-pokey.

D.J.:
Oh Mylanta.

[first lines]

Jesse Katsopolis:
OK girls, now remember! When my grandparents step off the plane, we're gonna say welcome to America! In Greek. OK now, what're we gonna say?

D.J., Stephanie Tanner:
Welcome to America! In Greek.

[last lines]

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
Did you hear that girls? Uncle Jesse and Rebecca are gonna be married! Let's celebrate!

Melina Katsopolis, Michelle Tanner:
You got it dude!

[Everyone dances to Greek music]

Jill:
Jesse came in to pick up a take out order with Baby Michelle. There's something about a man with a baby that's so... sexy... and hard to resist.

Robin Winslow:
Oh, it's becoming easier.

Danny Tanner:
You use my baby to meet women?

Joey Gladstone:
Michelle, tomorrow you're coming with me to the market.

Robin Winslow:
The thing is, seeing you with Jill made me realize I've been out with you before.

Jesse Cochran:
Not in this life. Oh, I... in a past life, we doubled with Shirley MacLaine and King Tut, right?

Robin Winslow:
I'll tell you exactly what your type is. You're the guitar-playing, leather-wearing, Elvis-loving, motorcycle-riding, girl-chasing, blow-drying baby toting tough guy type, how's that?

Jesse Cochran:
Lucky guess.

Michelle:
Is it almost time for my party?

Becky:
You have two and a half hours still.

Michelle:
How long is that?

Jesse:
A Sesame Street and a Mister Rogers.

Michelle:
Wow. Turning five is going to take forever.

Danny Tanner:
Oh, man, Becky, that was the toughest contraction yet.

Becky:
Gee, Danny, maybe you should lie down.

Danny Tanner:
I made it this far, I'm gonna go all the way.

Joey Gladstone:
Remember 'The Bullwinkle Show'? Not 'Rocky and Friends' but the original.

Christine:
Yeah. [imitating Rocky] 'And now something we hope you really like!'

D.J. Tanner:
[going to a New Year's Eve party] I'm going to Kimmy's, Dad, see you next year.

Joey Gladstone:
[hitting it off with Christine right after midnight] So far I think 1991's been my favorite year.

Ginger:
[a video date potential for Joey] Hi, I'm Ginger, my parole officer says I need to make new friends.

Joey Gladstone:
Uh, this girl doesn't happen to know where I live, does she?

Jesse Katsopolis:
I'm not trying to be mean, it's just, uh, you kinda backed me in a corner down there in front of everybody with that pot incident. I mean, uh, you don't want your old man looking like a weenie, do you?

Alexander 'Alex' Katsopolis #2:
Weenie.

Nicholas 'Nicky' Katsopolis #2:
Weenie.

Jesse Katsopolis:
No jokes. Sit down. Put the chair down, and sit down. Look, we're all on the same team here, let's just do this time-out thing and get it over with. [Nicky and Alex give Bronx cheers] Okay, now you've gone too far. I'm trying to be a good guy. Nicky, Alex, you keep those little butts in those chairs and you do not move a muscle until I say it's okay. Do you understand me?

Alexander 'Alex' Katsopolis #2:
Mean Daddy.

Nicholas 'Nicky' Katsopolis #2:
Mean Daddy.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Mean Daddy?

Alexander 'Alex' Katsopolis #2:
Mean Daddy.

[there's a car in the kitchen]

D.J.:
Michelle, do you know how Joey's car got in here?

Michelle:
Yes, I do.

D.J.:
How?

Michelle:
Through the window.

Michelle:
There's a car in the kitchen!

Michelle:
[to Joey, who has walked in unaware that his car has been plowed through the wall] You're in big trouble, mister.

Danny Tanner:
Joey, are you all right?

Joey:
Yeah.

Danny Tanner:
In that case, you're in big trouble, mister.

Steph:
I dr-... I dr-... I dr-...

Becky:
You dropped something? Did something break? [Stephanie nods grimly] What did you break?

Steph:
You name it, I broke it.

Becky:
Oh, Steph.

Michelle:
There's a car in the kitchen!

D.J.:
Yeah, Michelle, and there's a bus in the bathroom.

Michelle:
There's a car in the kitchen!

D.J.:
Yeah, sure. And there's a bus in the bathroom!

D.J.:
[finds out that Kimmy pierced Stephanie's ears] You let Kimmy punch a hole in your body? Why didn't you just fall on a rusty nail?

Michelle Tanner:
Who can I bother? [Screams] DJ!

D.J.:
You have the brain of a paramecium.

Steph:
If I have the brain of a paramecium, then you have the brain of just one mecium.

D.J.:
[to Jesse] There really is no way to beat her, is there?

D.J.:
You have the brain of a paramecium.

Steph:
Well, if I have the brain of a paramecium, you have the brain of only one mecium.

[pause]

Steph:
[victorious] Ha ha ha!

[exits]

D.J.:
There really is no way to beat her, is there?

Jesse:
No, not really.

Danny Tanner:
Do you know why this carburetor won't work?

Jesse:
Yeah. It's in your hand, not under your hood.

Danny Tanner:
It's great that you wanna bake cookies for Stephanie, but not if it means it's gonna cost your job.

Steph:
Unless you wanna be a baker.

Danny Tanner:
Thank you, Stephanie.

Steph:
You're welcome.

D.J.:
He was being sarcastic.

Steph:
So was I.

D.J.:
Some people like chicken and some people like steak.

Kimmy Gibbler:
Are you calling me chicken?

D.J.:
No! I'm just saying that people like different things. You can be steak.

Kimmy Gibbler:
Oh, so now I'm a pig?

D.J.:
Kimmy, steak is made of cow.

Kimmy Gibbler:
A cow? That's the final insult!

Kimmy Gibbler:
[after hearing about Gia's rumor involving Steph] You should hide smelly socks in her locker!

D.J.:
[D.J. and Steph give her a look of disgust] Kimmy she wants to hurt her not kill her!

Gia Mahan:
[Smash Club, After apologizing to each other about the rumors] You are weird Tanner!

Kimmy Gibbler:
[Hands Gia her drink] One Gibler Special!

Kimmy Gibbler:
[Walks away]

Steph:
Gibler Special?

[Gia gets ready to drink, Steph pushes it away]

Steph:
You don't want to drink that, trust me!

[Walks into old, empty cabin]

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
Wow... it looks so different in here!

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
You're right.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Well, that's cause we're not here right now.

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
It feels like we're here.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
[Frustrated] Fine we're here. Let's dump the bunny and LEAVE!

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
[a loud sound comes from outside] What was that?

Steven 'Steve' Hale:
It was probably just the wind.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Just the wind? Just the wind? It's NEVER just the wind!

Danny Tanner:
I don't want to work with Pop anymore.

Irene Katsopolis:
I knew this day was coming. I was hoping I'd be dead when it did.

Nick Katsopolis:
If you're out of the family business, you're out of the family!

Irene Katsopolis:
There are two men in this world that I love more than anyone. Marcello Mastroianni and one of you guys.

Joey Gladstone:
[holding a large Mr. Potato Head, Jesse crept up on him in the dark with a baseball bat, the lights come on and Danny comes downstairs] Danny this psycho was about to mash my potato!

Corrina Spicer:
I love kids, that's why I became a teacher.

Joey Gladstone:
That's why I refused to grow up.

Corrina Spicer:
You seem pretty grown up to me.

Joey Gladstone:
Oh yeah, I'm the only guy in the world with Abe Lincoln's head on a stick.

D.J. Tanner:
[about to watch the Wizard of Oz, the screen is snow] Dad I think there's something wrong with the TV, it's snowing in Kansas.

Joey Gladstone:
[explaining why he was kissing Corrina] She was choking on a bad piece of cheese, so I gave her the Hoover Maneuver and sucked it out of her.

Danny Tanner:
What were you really doing down here with that bat?

Jesse Cochran:
I was going to kill him.

Jesse Cochran:
Don't ever 'eww' when your uncle's kissing.

Danny Tanner:
Jesse, please stop making out in front of my kids.

Danny Tanner:
Oh it's the sweetest little movie! There's this sweet girl, Dorothy, who has this adorable dog, Toto, who gets kidnapped by this horrible witch. But she gets her dog back, and her house flies through the air and then it... it lands on this other horrible witch who's feet curl up like party favors. Trust me, honey, it's the sweetest little movie!

Stephanie Tanner:
Okay Daddy, are you ready? On your mark, get set, punish!

Joey Gladstone:
Wow, it's happening so fast. Potty training. Pretty soon Michelle will be off to school.

Danny Tanner:
Meeting boys.

Joey Gladstone:
Going to the prom.

Danny Tanner:
Getting married.

Joey Gladstone:
You know, we ought to think about having another one.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Joey, you know that thing you said about something else was bothering me? You're right. I'm scared.

Stephanie Tanner:
You're scared?

Joey Gladstone:
Scared of what?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Scared of not making it. You don't know how hard it was to break away from my father and leave the family business. The thought of me crawling back, killing bugs again. Admitting that I failed. I just don't know if I'm good enough.

Joey:
[Right after kissing Stacy] Ay chihuahua!

Jesse:
Ay chihuahua?

Joey:
I could've said, "Have mercy!" but it felt more like an, "Ay chihuahua!"

Kimmy Gibbler:
Mr. Tanner, have you ever considered obedience school?

Danny Tanner:
Yes, and tell your parents I'm willing to pay half!

Danny Tanner:
Stef, listen to me very carefully. Do not feed dog food to your sister.

Danny Tanner:
I think the two of you should try to put yourselves in the other person's shoes... or paws. This is very simple. Friends deserve a fair hearing. And valuables should always be kept out of reach. So Stephanie, next time Comet has an idea, you have to hear him out. And Jessie, if you just leave your advertising laying around the house, there's a good chance Joey's gonna chew it up.

Danny Tanner:
You watch Wake Up San Francisco because it's nice, and easy. Well this morning, I had a little too much coffee, so we're gonna do it nice... and rough.

Danny Tanner:
Joey, this is your best dinner ever.

Joey Gladstone:
Oh thanks, Danny. I was a little nervous at first. But after I drove up to the take out window...

Stephanie Tanner:
Stephanie why did you take a nap if you didn't know this was going to be on tonight?

Stephanie Tanner:
Uh... D. J., why DID I do that?

D.J. Tanner:
Uh... Woman's intuition.

Stephanie Tanner:
Yeah. What she said.

Joey Gladstone:
Tiffany, live from Tokyo. Danny, this is coming to us via satellite from one of Japan's oldest and most sacred... malls.

D.J. Tanner:
Good night, Dad.

Stephanie Tanner:
'Night, Daddy.

Joey Gladstone:
Good night, Dad.

Danny Tanner:
Hold it, son!

Danny Tanner:
Sometimes a parent has to say no. Don't worry, if you put your foot down, they'll respect you more.

Michelle Tanner:
Are you Annette Funny Jello?

Annette Funicello:
Something like that.

D.J. Tanner:
[Joey's trying to leave the house, everyone's after him] Uncle Jesse, stop him!

Jesse Katsopolis:
[blocks the doorway] Okay pal, there's no way you're getting out of here after what you've done. [looks to the others] What did he do?

D.J. Tanner:
He said he's flying to Hollywood to get roasted peanuts.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Hey Becky, I made Joey a cake for when he gets home from his audition, 'Congrats, Joey'.

Rebecca Katsopolis:
Well sweetheart that's nice, but what if he doesn't get it?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Well then we just scrape this off, 'Rats, Joey'.

Danny Tanner:
That's Annette Funicello, I watched her all the time on the Mickey Mouse Club.

Michelle Tanner:
That lady knows Mickey Mouse? [to Joey] Give me back my autograph book!

Frankie Avalon:
Cowabunga!

Annette Funicello:
You're over 40 years old, STOP saying cowabunga!

Michelle Tanner:
First we're happy, then we're sad, now we're happy again, WHAT is GOING ON?

Stephanie Tanner:
The duck... the turtle... the chicken... drives a 7-11... at midnight!

Danny Tanner:
Jesse, have you done anymore thinking on Joey's alcove problem?

Jesse Cochran:
I stayed up all night thinking about it.

Danny Tanner:
I thought you had a date.

Jesse Cochran:
Alright, I stayed up all night.

D.J. Tanner:
Can I start on some vegetables? Did I say vegetables? I must be starving!

Danny Tanner:
Hi, Honey, I'm home! I'm sorry I'm late. At the last minute, I had to head out to Oakland to cover a Warrior's Practice Session! Traffic was miserable. The camera...

Jesse Cochran:
Give me a break.

Danny Tanner:
Huh?

Jesse Cochran:
Don't 'huh' me! You waltz in here 25 minutes late and expect sympathy? Huh!

Danny Tanner:
Well, I didn't know...

Jesse Cochran:
I cleaned the house and washed and ironed your clothes and ran a daycare center for socially deviant munchkins, and watched Opera! I ran this one to a ballet session. This one to the dentist, [forces D.J.'s mouth open] no cavities, thank you very much. Do you realize that I have slaved over a hot stove so you can have a hot meal when you come home? Huh? Mm hm?

Danny Tanner:
Jesse, I'm sorry!

Jesse Cochran:
Sorry... sorry! Sorry doesn't change the fact that my chicken tetrazzini is ruined! Ruined! It's all dried out. But do you have the common courtesy to call me and tell me you're gonna be 25 minutes late? NO! I am not an animal! Oh, my, what's happening to me? I'm turning into June Cleaver!

Joey:
I come from a long line of psychics.

Jesse:
You mean psychos.

D.J. Tanner:
If the Bulls ever built their team around Michael Jordan they'd be unstoppable.

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
[Jesse and Joey babysat an ill Michelle] She had a little cold? How do you know she had a cold?

Jesse Katsopolis:
She had a cough and a runny nose and no fever.

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
She should have fluids.

Jesse Katsopolis, Joseph 'Joey' Gladstone:
Done.

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
We should call the doctor.

Jesse Katsopolis, Joseph 'Joey' Gladstone:
Done.

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
Really? Has she had her cough medicine?

Jesse Katsopolis, Joseph 'Joey' Gladstone:
Done.

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
Oh. How about changing her diaper?

Jesse Katsopolis, Joseph 'Joey' Gladstone:
Good night.

Jesse Katsopolis:
[Michelle coughs] You girls ever hear that cough before?

Stephanie Tanner:
It sounds like a hairball.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Come on, Steph, babies don't get... [Turns to Joey] Do babies get hairballs?

Jesse Katsopolis:
[On the phone with Michelle's doctor about her cough] Her nose? Yeah, it's running like a fountain. What's coming out of it? Diet cola!

Jesse Katsopolis:
Of course I know how to take her temperature. You simply put the thermometer under her... [Listens on the phone] You put it where? Joey, it's for you!

[after Edna, an old lady, says that she'll jump in a bikini]

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
Whoa! Edna's in a thong! And she's looking HOT!

Joey Gladstone:
You know Kimmy, some day you're gonna make some young man very... confused.

Danny Tanner:
HEY. I don't yell, I guide.

Jesse Katsopolis:
I just hops she can keep her mind on her work, because this weekend, I'm going to tell Becky three little words that every woman wants to hear.

Joey Gladstone:
Honey, I'm wrong.

Jesse Katsopolis:
I love you.

Joey Gladstone:
Jess, I am so touched!

Joey:
Will you stop bothering me? I'm trying to make a sandwich.

Danny Tanner:
Joey, let me show you how a mature, responsible adult constructs a sandwich.

Joey:
Be my guest, Mr. Adult.

Danny Tanner:
First, we start with a clean knife. And on the left slice, mayonnaise. Yum! And on the right slice, mustard.

Joey:
Bet you're going to get another knife.

Danny Tanner:
Have to. And we paint it on. Mmm. And now for the ham and cheese. And we alternate, ham, cheese, ham, cheese, so in every bite, we get an equal amount of ham and cheese.

Stephanie Tanner:
Uncle Jesse, I just one to ask you one question. Where do you go with that blue bag?

Jesse Cochran:
Out.

D.J. Tanner:
Out Where?

Jesse Cochran:
Just out, and that's two questions.

D.J. Tanner:
Elvis has left the living room.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Hey, Dad. Gia is having a party tomorrow. Can I go?

[Danny writes something down]

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
[reading] "Adult supervision?"

Gia Mahan:
Mr. Tanner, my mom would NEVER let me have a party without adult supervison.

[Danny walks out]

Gia Mahan:
Which is why I didn't tell her.

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
I liked the Rippers better when Uncle Jesse was in it.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Thanks, munchkin.

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
And before they had a hit song, and before they got famous, and before they're opening for the stones...

Jesse Katsopolis:
They're opening for the Stones?

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
Only on the West Coast.

Joseph 'Joey' Gladstone:
Michelle, I think that's all the help he can get.

Danny Tanner:
[squeaky voice] I come in here, there's hugging, there's kissing, there's feet up on the furniture, there's...

[Claire puts some orange goop in his mouth]

Danny Tanner:
[squeaky voice] UGH! THAT STUFF IS HORRIBLE! WHAT IS THAT? I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT'S BEEN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN IT.

Danny Tanner:
[regular voice] I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN OPERATE HEAVY MACHINARY NOW... I don't know how my voice is back. What is that?

Claire Mahan:
Family secret.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Guess what two wacky radio show hosts have an audition for their very own late-night, wacky TV show?

Rebecca 'Becky' Katsopolis:
Casey Kasem and Howard Stern?

Jesse Katsopolis:
I'll give you a hint: one of them is the father of your children.

Rebecca 'Becky' Katsopolis:
Well, I said Howard Stern.

Kimmy Gibbler:
Duane here is a Shakespeare freak. Aren't you, my little Hamlet-and-cheese?

Duane:
[embarrassed] Whatever.

D.J. Tanner:
Duane, you're into Shakespeare?

Duane:
[soulfully] Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and Summer's lease hath all too short a date.

D.J. Tanner:
Wow, Duane, I had no idea you had such a sensative soul.

Duane:
[choked up] Whatever.

[Michelle has regained her memory after a bout of amnesia]

Michelle Tanner:
How out of it was I?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Well, you were pretty out of it. I mean, you were here, sweetheart, but it was like a part of you was missing. So it was like part of all of us was missing. But, we stuck it out and we got through it.

Joey Gladstone:
Just like we always do.

Danny Tanner:
Just like we always will.

[end of series]

Michelle Tanner:
My daddy told me that if you have nothing nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all. Well, my daddy's not here, and you're a weanie!

Steph:
[to DJ] You're always gonna be the oldest and Michelle's always gonna be the baby and I'm always gonna be stuck in the middle.

Jesse:
[Stephanie tries to leave] Hold it Goldilocks.

Steph:
[Jesse and Joey carry her between them] See what I mean? I'm stuck in the middle again!

Steph:
Can see up your nose.

Harry Takayama:
Harry, this is supposed to be romantic.

Steph:
OK. I can see up your nose, darling

Jesse:
Your teacher only gave you one day for this... uh... homemade thingy?

D.J. Tanner:
Well... She may have given us a little more than a day.

Joey Gladstone:
How little more?

D.J. Tanner:
Maybe a day, or two, or twenty...

Jesse:
Twenty? You had twenty days to do this, and you waited until the last minute, young lady?

D.J. Tanner:
Technically, the last minute isn't until 8:59 tomorrow morning.

Jesse:
You ought to start thinking about law school.

Steph:
You think you're so cute.

Michelle Tanner:
Don't worry... Be happy.

Steph:
Oh no! You ARE so cute!

Rebecca Donaldson:
For instance, I suggested that we make Christmas special by spending it in Nebraska with my relatives.

Jesse Katsopolis:
To which I sweetly replied, 'Babe, let's spend it in Graceland with Elvis' relatives.'

Rebecca Donaldson:
See, now, in the old days, potential crisis. But now, solving this problem will only bring us closer together.

Jesse Katsopolis:
[Into phone] Yeah Becky, listen it's me. I made a decision. We're going to Graceland this Christmas. End of discussion, case closed. [Men rooting for him in the background] And another thing. Uh, call me when you get this message. Thanks.

Danny Tanner:
I would like to say something before I go. [to friend #1] You, sir, are a chimney. Not only are you ruining your own health, you are ruining the health of innocent people all around you. [to second friend] And you sir... you should take a drive through a car wash without your car. Nice meeting you both.

Rebecca Donaldson:
I got your message. Oh, and you must be the mucho idiots I heard cheering in the background.

[Rebecca is a terrible singer]

Jesse:
I'll just teach her to sing on key. Or in a key.

Joey:
How about the Florida Keys?

Joey:
That's not a big problem. A big problem is like... well... if your butt fell off.

Jesse Katsopolis:
When I was a kid, the kids used to tease me. They called me 'Zorba the Geek.'

Joey Gladstone:
[laughs hysterically, then grows serious when he sees the killer look on Jessie's face] Kids can be so cruel.

Jesse Katsopolis:
The day I turned 13, my body flipped out. My nose outgrew my face. My ears outgrew my nose. I was your basic Mr. Potato Head.

Joey Gladstone:
So before you were a stud, you were a spud.

Stephanie Tanner:
[On phone] Walter, this is Stephanie Tanner. And I'm really sorry. Well, nice talking to you. [Starts to hang up phone, but Jesse stops her]

Jesse Katsopolis:
Don't you think you should mention what you're sorry for?

Stephanie Tanner:
[Talking into phone] I'm sorry I cracked at you. [Starts to hang up phone again, but Jesse stops her again]

Jesse Katsopolis:
And?

Stephanie Tanner:
[Talks into phone] And I called you 'Duck Face' and threw little pieces of bread at you.

Jesse Katsopolis:
You threw pieces of bread at the kid? Stef, he's not a real duck! Tell him he's a very nice boy!

Stephanie Tanner:
[Talks into phone] And you're a very nice boy. You're welcome. [Looks at Jesse] Anything else?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Is there anything you'd like to say?

Stephanie Tanner:
Yes. There is.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Good girl.

Stephanie Tanner:
[Into phone] Wanna say hi to my Uncle Jesse?

Joey Gladstone:
What are you talking about? We are right on time.

Danny Tanner:
Joey, that's a barometer.

Joey Gladstone:
Well, in that case, we'd better get moving. There's a hurricane brewing.

Walter:
You know what I'm doing now?

Stephanie Tanner:
I'm afraid to ask.

Walter:
I'm giving you a secret kiss... in my mind.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Speaking of literature, wouldn't you say the two finest books ever written would happen to be 'Crime and War' and 'Peace and Punishment?'

Eric Trent:
[laughs] I think you have transposed the titles 'War and Peace' and 'Crime and Punishment'... inadvertently.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Ah, see, you missed the joke. I transposed them quite 'vertently.'

Joseph 'Joey' Gladstone:
Danny, you don't have to be hip and cool. You're spick and span.

Jocko:
Why aren't you in your polka costume?

Jesse:
[Imitating Jocko] Why aren't you in Brooklyn?

D.J.:
Dad, I'm almost eighteen, a senior in high school. You can't exactly tell me who to date.

Danny Tanner:
I'm not telling you who to date, I'm-I'm telling you who *not* to date.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Christmas isn't about presents or Santa Clause or cows, it's about a feeling. It's about people. It's about us forgetting about our problems and reaching out to help other people. Christmas doesn't have to happen in one certain place, it happens in our hearts.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Rebecca's a nice girl. Very pretty. You two would make a wonderful couple.

Nick Katsopolis:
Yeah, I've tried, Pop. She just wants to be friends. She's one of those girls that... her career comes first.

Jesse Katsopolis:
I understand that girls' lib stuff but uh... you got to tell 'em who's boss.

Becky Donaldson:
Who is that?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Santa Clause.

Jesse Katsopolis:
What's the matter with you people? The first Christmas was in a manger. They did okay. So what if we're stuck in this crummy dump? Christmas isn't about presents, or Santa Clause, or cows. It's about a feeling. It's about... it's about people. It's about us forgetting about our problems and reaching out to help other people. Christmas doesn't have to happen in one certain place. It happens in our hearts. So if you think about it, we can have Christmas anywhere, even in a baggage claim!

Jesse Katsopolis:
D. J., what do you see over there?

D.J. Tanner:
A coat rack.

Jesse Katsopolis:
No, it's a big, beautiful Christmas tree. Joseph, what do you see back there?

Joey Gladstone:
Vending machines.

Jesse Katsopolis:
No. I see a Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. Pop, what do you see back there?

Nick Katsopolis:
A conveyer belt.

Jesse Katsopolis:
No. I see... Okay, yes. That's a conveyor belt.

D.J. Tanner:
Two bowls of ice cream sure gives you a lot of pep, huh?

Stephanie Tanner:
Does pep mean you can't blink?

D.J. Tanner:
That's pep.

Jesse Cochran:
[to Jesse] I guess I should be grateful the house is still standing. I must have been crazy to think that you could take care of my daughters. You really let me down.

Jesse Cochran:
[to DJ and Stephanie when they sneak out of bed] Shouldn't you girls be dreaming about Tweety Bird or Big Bird or Larry Bird?

Joey Gladstone:
[to Jesse] Once again, comedy kicks music's butt!

Joey Gladstone:
Was it Robert Young, "Father Knows Best" or Robert Young, "Dr. Welby"?

Jesse Cochran:
I'm here for 12 hours and you expect me to be Robert Young.

Danny Tanner:
[to Stephanie] Get down and I don't mean get funky.

Danny Tanner:
[all three guys are trying to leave] Three adults cannot go out at the same time. One adult can go out, two adults can go out, one, two, or three girls can leave with one to three adults.

Danny Tanner:
Gentlemen, Tarzen, who was raised in the jungle by apes, went to bed in better shape than that baby.

Danny Tanner:
Well, well, well, well, well, well, well.

Jesse Cochran:
What, what, what, what, what, what, what?

Danny Tanner:
Shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame!

Jesse Cochran:
I feel like I'm being chewed out in the Grand Canyon.

D.J. Tanner:
Stephanie, why are you following us?

Stephanie Tanner:
Because you keep leaving me.

D.J. Tanner:
Stephanie said she heard a strange noise in the garage, but if you ask me, it's a desperate plea for attention.

Danny Tanner:
D. J., stop watching Oprah and start doing your homework.

Stephanie Tanner:
Can I sleep in your bed?

D.J. Tanner:
Alright, come on over.

Stephanie Tanner:
Does this mean you believe me about the monster?

D.J. Tanner:
I'm not saying yes and I'm not saying no. I'm just saying get over here!

[Joey and Jesse had just changed Michelle's diaper in a very funny way]

Stephanie Tanner:
Not bad. But next time, try these.

[shows them the diapers next to her]

Joey Gladstone:
Steph, why did you wait 'til now to give us the diapers?

Stephanie Tanner:
Nobody asked me.

Stephanie Tanner:
[to Joey and Jesse] Are you gonna cook Michelle?

Joey Gladstone:
We're changing her diaper.

Stephanie Tanner:
Oh, then how do you roast a turkey?

[after Joey puts Michelle's diaper in Tupperware]

Jesse Cochran:
Good thinking, Joey, keep it fresh.

Danny Tanner:
[when Danny comes home from work and sees Michelle's baby clothes all over the living room] Whoa! What happened? What's with all the dirty baby clothes?

Joey Gladstone:
I'm sorry, Danny, but every time we tried changing her, she'd dribble or drool or spit up.

Jesse Cochran:
Your baby's a pig.

Danny Tanner:
[when DJ goes missing] You lost my daughter? I went to work for seven hours and you lost 33% of my children?

Danny Tanner:
Joey, would you mind warming up the baby's bottle?

Joey Gladstone:
No, not at all. Although with this particular baby, it might be simpler just to pour the formula directly into the diaper.

Danny Tanner:
DJ, you're back.

Jesse Cochran:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Vanessa's gone, the deal's off. I want my money back.

Danny Tanner:
What money?

D.J. Tanner:
The money Uncle Jesse paid me to move back in.

Danny Tanner:
That's your special way with children? You buy them off?

Jesse Cochran:
It works.

Danny Tanner:
Ah, Joey, buddy, this is the best: you're moving in.

Joey Gladstone:
Thanks, Danny. This works out so perfect. I move into a place with a washing machine on the exact day I run out of clean clothes.

[Danny drops Joey's dirty clothes]

Danny Tanner:
[to Stephanie] This means you and DJ are gonna get to be roommates. Isn't that exciting?

Stephanie Tanner:
I can wear all DJ's clothes!

D.J. Tanner:
Do I have to share my room with her?

Danny Tanner:
Sweetie, it's gonna be just like having a slumber party.

D.J. Tanner:
Yeah, with only one guest who never leaves.

Joey Gladstone:
[talks in a baby voice when Michelle starts crying] Aww, Michelle, little baby-waby. What's the matter? Uncle Jesse, what are we gonna do?

Jesse Cochran:
First, we stop talking like a munchkin.

Jesse Cochran:
[when Jesse tries to get DJ to move back in the house] All right, I'll speak a language you understand. Five bucks if you move back in.

D.J. Tanner:
Fifty.

Jesse Cochran:
Ten

D.J. Tanner:
Forty-nine.

Jesse Cochran:
[surprised] A buck? You went down a buck?

D.J. Tanner:
Okay, it's back to fifty.

Jesse Cochran:
[to Stephanie] Why don't you go upstairs and play ballerina with your big sister?

Stephanie Tanner:
I can't. She moved out.

Danny Tanner:
Stephanie, honey, what do you mean she moved out?

Stephanie Tanner:
She's gone. She rolled up her crepe paper and took off.

Danny Tanner:
Your mom was always so good at this stuff. I'd come home from work and everything would be perfect. DJ, how do you think Mom would have handled this?

D.J. Tanner:
She would have caught me before I moved into the garage. Mom knew everything I did before I did it. [stares off into space as Danny knows something is bothering her]

Danny Tanner:
What is it, honey?

D.J. Tanner:
It's just not fair! First I lose my mom, then Grandma leaves, and now I lose my own room. Everything just keeps disappearing.

Danny Tanner:
I know exactly how you feel, honey, and I know how much you girls must miss your mother. Because I miss her too... very much. But you've still got me.

Stephanie Tanner:
[walks to her] You got me too.

Danny Tanner:
You've got Michelle and you have your Uncle Jesse and Joey. DJ, we're still a family and right now is when we really need to stick together. So it's up to you: either you move back into the house or all five of us are moving into the garage, but nothing is going to break up this team.

Jesse Cochran:
[Danny hugs him] You're hugging me in a room with pink bunnies.

Jesse Cochran:
D.J., hey, has that tooth come in yet?

D.J. Tanner:
Nah.

Jesse Cochran:
That's okay. One less to brush.

Jesse Cochran:
Uncle Jessie doesn't want to play ballerina.

Stephanie Tanner:
Yes, he does.

Jesse Cochran:
No, he doesn't.

Stephanie Tanner:
Yes, he does.

Jesse Cochran:
No, he doesn't!

Stephanie Tanner:
[fake cry] Yes, he does.

Jesse Cochran:
How do you play ballerina?

Danny Tanner:
I close my eyes for two seconds and it's a Kimmy Gibbler telethon.

Joey:
Danny, you've been out for four hours.

Danny Tanner:
[checks his watch] Four hours. Why didn't anyone wake me? Oh no, I'm ruined, I ruined the telethon, my career is over...

Becky:
Danny, we're still on the air.

Danny Tanner:
[to camera] That concludes the dramatic portion of our show.

Jesse Katsopolis:
We got a major crisis with the chippy chunk-Nut cookie account. Seems they found more chunk-nuts then chippys in the chewy chocolates, so all the chewy chocolate chippy chunk-nuts have to be called Nutty-Chewy Chunk Chips.

Vicky Larson:
And look on the bright side: if I am a little older, a little more experienced, that might turn out to be a good thing, don't you think?

Danny Tanner:
[southern accent] Yes, ma'am. I always respect my elders.

[kisses her]

Steve Hale:
I didn't even know love until I met you.

Jesse Katsopolis:
[holds the elevator D.J., Steve and other teens are on] Hold it right there, I want some answers here, first thing I want to know is [turns to Becky] Becky, why am I holding the elevator?

Becky Katsopolis:
[to D.J] Would this be going to the wild party upstairs?

Jesse Katsopolis:
In a hotel room? [to D.J., Steve and their dates] That's it, you, you, you, you, out, out, out, out.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Who is Paul?

Danny Tanner:
[trying to open a jar] Vicky, when I was growing up, the man in the relationship should be older, taller and stronger. [can't open the jar, Vicky opens it in one turn] Well at least I'm still taller.

[Joey has just made numerous jokes about Jesse live on the radio]

Jesse:
You just humiliated me in front of millions of people.

Joey:
Oh, come on, it was probably only thousands.

Jesse:
See, Beck, it's like the old saying: things have a way of working out for the best. And when they work out, you just have to stand back and say... 'hey'.

Becky:
That's not an old saying...

Jesse:
...Give it time.

Jesse:
[on the radio] "And now a message from Vick's Vision Center. Hey, if you're driving, and you need glasses... PULL OVER!"

Jesse Cochran:
Danny, this kid has been walking for three days and you haven't stopped taping her. I'll feel sorry for her when she starts potty training.

Danny Tanner:
Oh great, my bait is yawning. [slaps minnow] Wake up! Would you wake up please?

Caroline:
Danny, is something wrong?

Danny Tanner:
Where's the scuba gear? There's something sinister going on down there.

Caroline:
You think the fish have gotten together and made a group decision to avoid your hook?

Danny Tanner:
It's the only logical explanation.

Jesse Cochran:
Oh, this is so boring catching fish... after fish... after fish...

Danny Tanner:
Will you shut up?

Joey Gladstone:
Hey, I know how that feels. It's like when I see Alf, I go nuts. I'm doing my standup in little nightclubs, and a carpet sample has a series.

[Becky has brought a bowl of green liquid to the Tanners' cookout]

Becky Donaldson:
The Jell-O didn't gel yet.

Danny Tanner:
[looks at the bowl, puzzled] It's okay, we'll tell everyone it's lime soup.

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
[the family has arrived at the gym to work out and Jesse is holding Michelle, to a bodybuilder] Hey, mister, you are very lumpy.

Jesse Katsopolis:
I hope you're not offended. And if you are, that's her father over there.

D.J.:
[Kimmy walks in while DJ is making a birthday card] Kimmy! You're not supposed to be in this room.

Steph:
I've been telling her that for years.

D.J.:
I'm skipping lunch, do you want my sandwich?

Kimmy Gibbler:
Sure. [looks under the bread] Ham again? I've been eating your lunch for 3 days now and every time, it's ham. Did your dad hit a pig with his car?

D.J.:
This can't be! Two days and I've only lost half a pound? I'm going off this stupid diet.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Good, you shouldn't be on a diet anyway. If you want to lose weight, why don't you try exercise? You could go to Michelle's gym.

D.J.:
Oh yeah, like I really want Michelle's body.

Jesse Katsopolis:
They have an adult gym too, tell you what, the whole family will go, they could all use some toning up. Of course with me it would just be toning tone.

Joey Gladstone:
[acting like a macho bodybuilder] Whadda ya bench, dude?

Bodybuilder:
505.

Joey Gladstone:
Beginner huh? It's cool.

Bodybuilder:
[warningly] It better be.

D.J.:
Steph, you pinkie swore!

Steph:
I don't care, I don't want you to get sick. Dad, I know why she got dizzy at the gym and I know why she's cranky, she hasn't eaten in 3 days.

Danny Tanner:
You haven't eaten in 3 days?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Deej, I think you better sit down and eat something right now.

D.J.:
I can't! I'm finally losing weight!

Danny Tanner:
D.J., this behavior can lead to serious eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia. You're heading down a dangerous path.

D.J.:
I don't care! It's my life and I can do whatever I want with it!

D.J.:
I want to look like these models!

Danny Tanner:
Why?

D.J.:
Because they're pretty!

Danny Tanner:
I think you're pretty.

D.J.:
Oh yeah? Show me ONE model in these magazines with this round face and these Charlie Brown cheeks.

Aerobics Instructor:
Come on, guys, staring at women is not a workout.

Joey Gladstone:
Oh no? She's got my heart pumping.

Steve Hale:
[after their attempt to each read half of a book failed] It's like ordering a pizza and stopping after only six slices.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Or it's like only seeing half a movie, I remember I walked into Tootsie late once and I kept thinking 'WHO is that UGLY woman?'

Jesse Katsopolis:
[after finding out Charles' father is abusing him] I'm calling children's services to handle this.

Stephanie Tanner:
Why?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Because if I don't, I'm going over there to straighten him out myself.

Stephanie Tanner:
They took him away? I never should've told you, now he's going to hate me!

Jesse Katsopolis:
Stephanie, stop it, we didn't do anything wrong, WE weren't the ones hurting Charles.

Stephanie Tanner:
Then why did they take him away?

Jesse Katsopolis:
They had to! He wasn't safe in that house.

Stephanie Tanner:
[on why she can't tell Jesse what's wrong] I promised I wouldn't tell, and you always taught us never to break a promise.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Yes we did teach you that, it's a good rule but here's the thing, all rules have exceptions to them.

Stephanie Tanner:
They do?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Absolutely, like the one about don't swim for an hour after you eat, I hate that rule; I mean yes let's say you have a big dinner with a steak and baked potato and sour cream, then yes an hour. But what if you eat a cracker? Here is where the exception comes in, I say eat a cracker, wait five minutes, boom, get in the pool, a peanut... eat the peanut and swim, there're all these, a whole range of exceptions.

Kimmy Gibbler:
[to Jesse and Steve who have to read A Catcher in the Rye] You could do what I did. [to D.J] Remember when Kathy Santoni and I each read half of Much Ado About Nothing for school?

D.J. Tanner:
Yeah, she read Much Ado and you read Nothing.

Charles:
Look, the truth is, my dad does hit me sometimes, but it's my own fault for ticking him off. Boy, did he clobber me last week.

Stephanie Tanner:
You mean that day you came in and said you ran into a door?

Charles:
Yeah. A door named Dad.

Joey Gladstone:
It just so happens I gave up smoking [snaps fingers] like that.

Danny Tanner:
Joey, I've known you forever. When did you smoke?

Joey Gladstone:
When I was 12. I smoked four cigarettes, my dad stopped me, and I stopped cold turkey.

Danny Tanner:
Something tells me things didn't go so well at the audition, did they?

D.J. Tanner:
Oh, no.

Danny Tanner:
We talked about how this might happen. They probably just gave this part to somebody's relative.

D.J. Tanner:
Oh yeah.

Jesse Cochran:
Hello.

Danny Tanner:
I know... D. J. didn't get the part.

Jesse Cochran:
Here's something you don't know. Steph did.

Danny Tanner:
Stephanie got the part? [Hugs Stephanie] That's wonderful! [Turns to D.J] I'm really sorry. [Hugs Stephanie] But that's wonderful! [Turns to D.J] I'm really sorry.

Jesse Cochran:
You know something, she's right. D. J., your right. Stephanie stole that part right out form under you. In fact, she planned this whole thing. She tricked us into bringing her along, pretending that she cares about you!

Joey Gladstone:
The conniving little sneak!

Jesse Cochran:
And then you fell into Stephanie's fiendish little trap by doing a great audition.

Joey Gladstone:
The monster!

Jesse Cochran:
Meanwhile, the sinister little Stephanie, she used her telekinetic powers to send us out of the room so she could steal your commercial. Ooh!

Joey Gladstone:
I say we light some torches, find the she-devil, and drive her into the night.

Jesse Katsopolis:
[reading from newspaper] Rebecca Donaldson, award-winning journalist and host of 'Wake Up, San Francisco' to wed JERSEY KATSOPOLIS?

Danny Tanner:
Jersey Katsopolis. Sounds like a Greek cow.

Jesse Katsopolis:
[after catching Danny dancing disco to "Shake Your Booty" in his old platform shoes] Now I know why disco died.

Stephanie Tanner, Becky Donaldson:
I pledge my love and loyalty, to all he hive and every bee, our motto is and ever was: buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.

Jesse:
[reading from newspaper] Rebecca Donaldson, award-winning journalist and host of 'Wake Up, San Francisco' to wed... 'JERSEY KATSOPOLIS'?

Danny Tanner:
'Jersey Katsopolis'. Sounds like a Greek cow.

Joey:
Listen up human dictionary! Stephanie Tanner is going to tear you from vowel to vowel and eat your consonants for lunch! Grrr!

Danny Tanner:
[talking about Joey possibly being on star search] We haven't heard back yet so we have to keep this totally secret.

Stephanie Tanner:
How rude! I can keep a secret!

Steph:
[Danny holds up a picture of a little DJ] I was adorable!

D.J.:
No, Steph, that's me.

Steph:
My, how you've aged.

Michelle Tanner:
[after meeting Steve Urkel] Why you talk like Mickey Mouse?

Steve Urkel:
That's 'cause I was born in Chicago.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Steve... Steve, Steve-o. I can't help but notice that you walk like you still have the hanger in your shirt.

Steve Urkel:
Oh, well, thank you.

Jesse Katsopolis:
You're welcome. Steve, I'd like to help you because, uh, quite frankly, you need help. See, when you're walking, you gotta kinda be loose, man, like let it be cool. [starts to slowly bounce]

[Steve starts to bounce slowly]

Jesse Katsopolis:
That's it. Loosen up, be very fluid. Be very fluid-y. That's it! Now... once you get it going, you shift the weight and you go. [starts walking] And it's a strut, and it's cool, and it's a strut, and it's cool. See? Like that?

Steve Urkel:
Very inspiring. [tries to walk, but instead of a strut, he walks sidways on his toes bouncing highly]

Jesse Katsopolis:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, uh, that's close.

Steve Urkel:
Really? Well, oh. Well, that was a walk on the wild side. But, you should ty it with your elbows out. It's much better for circulation.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Oh, really? Like this? [sticks elbows out]

Steve Urkel:
Yeah. [Jesse starts to walk] You're doing fine.

Jesse Katsopolis:
You, know? I do feel the blood flowing better.

Steve Urkel:
Yeah.

Jesse Katsopolis:
It's very - WHAT AM I DOING?

Steve Urkel:
Well, here's another fun way to kill time. Let's share a life story. I'll go first. I was born on a cold night in Chicago, 1976, the year of America's bicenntinal. My mom was in a great deal of pain and I was charging through! And...

Jesse Katsopolis:
Uh, I think I hear the girls in the kitchen. Why, don't you just go and... yeah. Right in the kitchen area.

Jesse Katsopolis:
[Playing a video game] Waterfall. Go up! Go up!

Rebecca 'Becky' Donaldson Katsopolis:
It's a kayak. It doesn't go up!

Jesse Katsopolis:
It's enchanted for crying out loud!

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
You're not going.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
What are you talking about?

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
I'm sorry, I can't let you go.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Gia, tell the guys to hang. I'll be right out.

Gia Mahan:
I thought you said your sister was cool.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
She USED to be.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Forget it. There's no way you can make me stay.

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
I can tell Dad.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Okay, that's one way... I can't believe you'd squeal on me.

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
I can't believe you'd put me in this position.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
What about all those times you snuck in after curfew and I never said a word?

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
That's different. This is dangerous.

Gia Mahan:
You coming or what?

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Yeah, I'm coming.

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
No, you're not.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
You're bluffing.

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
I'm telling.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
I'm going.

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
Dad!

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
Yeah, Deej?

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Gia, better go without me.

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
Never mind!

Gia Mahan:
Sorry, Steph.

[Exits]

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
[Angrily slams the door] I hope you're happy! From now on, STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!

Kimmy Gibbler:
[to Barry and Jason] Hey, you guys are the losers who drilled a peep hole in the girls' locker room!

Jason:
Yeah, and you're the reason we plugged it up!

Kimmy Gibbler:
The peep hole works both ways, Zit Butt!

D.J.:
[D.J, Kimmy, and Steve walk in through the kitchen door] Can you guys believe this parking ticket?

Kimmy Gibbler:
D.J, your dad is gonna flip when he sees this.

D.J.:
I can't believe this. I'm gonna become a pedestrian.

Kimmy Gibbler:
D.J., how can you be thinking of religon? You're gonna have to walk.

Becky:
You know, honey, you're kind of sexy when you're vulnerable.

Jesse:
Help. My lips, help.

[They kiss]

Jesse:
As to which I say... have mercy.

Becky:
Nicky made a new friend at the zoo today.

Jesse:
Really? Wow!

Becky:
Come on, Nicky. Tell Daddy what your new friend said.

Nicky:
Camels stink.

Jesse:
And Alex played baseball today. Tell Mommy what you hit.

Alex:
Daddy's head.

D.J. Tanner:
Strange but true facts: Stephanie and Michelle are the exact same ages Stephanie and I were when we first started sharing a room. Isn't that amazing?

Joey Gladstone:
That IS amazing. That's like Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln, and Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy!

Jesse Katsopolis:
[to Joey] What's amazing is you're able to dress yourself in the morning.

Stephanie Tanner:
I'm not sharing a room with this 4 year old kindergarten baby.

Michelle Tanner:
I'm 4 and 3 quarters!

D.J. Tanner:
[measuring Michelle's floor] Kimmy was right, there IS enough room for a hot tub in here.

Stephanie Tanner:
I've turned the bathtub into a water bed, the sink into a wet bar, and I'm thinking of turning the toilet into a loveseat.

Danny Tanner:
[enters the bathroom] Girls, what's going on?

Michelle Tanner:
Stephanie lives in the potty now.

Danny Tanner:
We'll see about that.

Jesse Katsopolis:
I had a feeling you might change your mind again, especially after the second time you paged me at the market. So I bought one of every chip they had, it's the pregnancy variety pack.

Rebecca Katsopolis:
Ooh, honey, did you get any with ridges?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Ridges? What's the deal with ridges? It's like a potato chip you have to iron.

[repeated line]

Duane:
Whatever.

Kimberly 'Kimmy' Louise Gibbler:
I paid $29.95 for this wedding and I want it to be special.

D.J.:
Kimmy's getting married!

Nelson Burkhard:
To what?

Danny Tanner:
That was my boss. He wants me down at the station. He said he's got some good news. Well, actually he said he's got some big news. That could be bad news. Why didn't he say? Why didn't I ask him? I'll worry on the way.

Danny Tanner:
It is big, good news, isn't it?

Mr. Strowbridge:
Very good news. Tonight will be your last sports cast.

Danny Tanner:
It's interesting how one man's good is another man's bad.

Becky Donaldson:
Hi. You must be Jesse, Danny's brother-in-law. Danny's told me about you.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Oh yeah? What did he say?

Becky Donaldson:
He said he had a brother-in-law named Jesse.

Jesse:
I'm not trying to catch the boat. I'm trying to catch Danny.

[Catches up to Danny]

Jesse:
I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to talk to you. How does one lose a boat?

Danny Tanner:
The rope must've slipped off the rope-thingy.

Jesse:
The rope-thingy... Skipper?

Jesse:
[after seeing a beautiful Hawaiian girl] Have...

Rebecca Donaldson:
Careful.

Jesse:
...a nice day.

Rebecca Donaldson:
Tell him to swim more to his left.

Jesse:
It's a killer whale. You tell him!

D.J. Tanner:
We've been out shopping for Kathy Santoni's shower.

Danny Tanner:
Kathy Santoni's getting married?

Kimmy Gibbler:
She's already married, this is for her baby shower.

Danny Tanner:
Baby shower? But she's only a senior.

D.J. Tanner:
I know, she's getting extra credit in home-ec.

Kimmy Gibbler:
[to Danny] My parents would never let me go to a boy's apartment unsupervised, what kind of parent are you?

Kimmy Gibbler:
[Danny's yelling at her on the phone] Somebody's trap door's buttoned too tight.

Danny Tanner:
[yelling at Kimmy on the phone] Gibbler, get me the address or you're grounded, I don't care if you're not my kid.

Joey Gladstone:
[after cementing the driveway] How long does it take for wet cement to dry?

Jesse Katsopolis:
I don't know, about 72 hours, why?

Rebecca Katsopolis:
Because you started from the wrong end... and you can't drive over wet cement.

Joey Gladstone:
Okay, here's the plan. First, we hide the seat covers.

Jesse Cochran:
Hide the seat covers. All right. [Puts them in cabinet] Now what?

Joey Gladstone:
Look, it's tough enough for Danny turning 30. It's his birthday and you gotta promise me you're not gonna ruin it for him.

Jesse Cochran:
Okay, I promise.

Joey Gladstone:
Then, we have to make sure that he has the best time he's ever had in his entire life.

Jesse Cochran:
Good. We'll do that.

Joey Gladstone:
Then in the afterglow, you'll sit him down and gently rip his heart out.

Jesse Cochran:
Couldn't you come up with a happier ending?

Joey Gladstone:
Yeah, the car fairy shows up and makes everything wonderful.

Danny Tanner:
Wow! Sheepskin seat covers for Bullet! I could cry.

D.J. Tanner:
Oh, you will!

Jesse Cochran:
Bullet was in an accident.

Danny Tanner:
Is he alright?

Jesse Cochran:
[Nods head] No. This is what's happening. I'm coming out of Pep Boys, right, with your wonderful, yet, essentially useless party gift. And this idiot plowed right into the back of Bullet, right? It sends him down the hill, through this guardrail, into the air, where he did a full gain and he lands in the bay and sank... like a stone. But look, Bullet went out with a blaze of glory.

Danny Tanner:
[laughs] For a second, you had me going. He sank to the bottom of the bay... [laughs again] Do you know what a car would look like if it sank to the bottom of the bay? [laughs and walks out the door. Stops when he sees the car]

Jesse Cochran:
It's gonna be quite difficult to get a good price for the car if you're actually kissing the car.

Danny Tanner:
You two were the yo-yos?

Jesse Cochran:
Yo.

Joey Gladstone:
Yo.

Joey Gladstone:
[Michelle shows Rigby and the kids at the mall her midget Rigby] Hold it up, we can't see it!

Michelle Tanner:
I AM holding it up!

Denise Frazer:
I was going to take mine to show and tell, but there's NOTHING to show!

Stephanie Tanner:
You know, Rigby, you don't just rip off kids' money, you rip off their dreams. How do you sleep at night? Especially with that big horn?

Joey Gladstone:
[to the mall security guard] We're leaving, but it's not because we're scared, because I can't pull my pants up any higher. Let's go, girls. [Denise and Michelle tug up their pants in like]

Steph:
Kimmy, you're so dumb you don't even know how dumb you are.

Kimmy Gibbler:
Of course I know how dumb I am!

Kimmy Gibbler:
[to Stephanie] You're the one who's dumb: capital D-U-M.

D.J. Tanner:
Kimmy, there's a B.

Kimmy Gibbler:
[turns around] Where? I hate bees!

Teddy's sister:
She's really cute, can we keep her?

Michelle Tanner:
I'm a fun girl.

Henry:
Well until we get things straightened out, you're welcome to stay here.

Michelle Tanner:
Thanks, new Dad!

Henry:
Does your dad know you're here.

Michelle Tanner:
No, when you run away, you don't tell.

D.J. Tanner:
[trying to find common interests] Steph, what's your favorite food?

Steph:
Pizza.

D.J. Tanner:
Kimmy, you love pizza!

Kimmy Gibbler:
Not as much as I love trout. [she and Stephanie move away from each other]

D.J. Tanner:
[to Kimmy and Stephanie] I can't believe it, you two are arguing about WHERE you started arguing!

D.J. Tanner:
[to Stephanie] Would you stop worrying? Kindergarten is so easy. The only thing you have to learn is the Pledge of Allegiance.

Stephanie Tanner:
The what?

D.J. Tanner, Kimmy Gibbler:
[in a fast tone] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Stephanie Tanner:
I'm dead meat.

D.J. Tanner:
[when Jesse and Joey bring in a messy Michelle] What happened to Michelle?

Jesse Cochran:
Well, your sister, Michelle tried to eat her dinner by pushing it through her face.

Joey Gladstone:
We better give her a bath.

Jesse Cochran:
Good idea. Do we know how to do that?

Joey Gladstone:
Well, sure. It's just like giving a puppy a bath only there's a lot less tail to clean.

Stephanie Tanner:
[when Danny comes into the girls' room] Hi, Daddy!

D.J. Tanner:
Hi, Dad.

Danny Tanner:
Why is everyone awake?

D.J. Tanner:
I'll show you.

[gets out of bed and pulls Stephanie's covers off to reveal Stephanie wearing a pink party dress and holding a lunchbox]

Stephanie Tanner:
I'm ready for school!

Danny Tanner:
Honey, you're ready for the prom.

Stephanie Tanner:
[to DJ] You said this would be good.

D.J. Tanner:
Hey, if you can't have fun with your little sister, then what's the point of having one?

Stephanie Tanner:
I pledge allegiance to the flag of some states of America.

D.J. Tanner:
I'm going to tuck you in... very tight.

Stephanie Tanner:
[as DJ picks up Stephanie and tucks her in bed] And to the public which understands... with God... and liberty. I'm dead meat.

Danny Tanner:
Stephanie, what do you mean you're not going to school?

Stephanie Tanner:
Eh, I don't feel good. Maybe I'll go next year.

Jesse Cochran:
You don't look sick.

Stephanie Tanner:
[makes a sick face] Is that better?

Danny Tanner:
Steph, don't you want to go to school and be smart?

Stephanie Tanner:
I'll stay home and watch public television.

Danny Tanner:
[when DJ tries to cut school] Why are you dropping out of school?

D.J. Tanner:
Because they put me in the smart class.

Danny Tanner:
The advanced class? DJ, that's wonderful.

D.J. Tanner:
Dad, it's Geekville, USA. It's the first day of school and they all brought homework, and get this, I'm the only blonde. And worst of all, they split me and Kimmy up.

D.J. Tanner:
[to Danny] Dad, you don't understand. Kimmy and I have always been in the same class. Now I'm stuck in a room full of eggheads. They're worse than eggheads, they're omelette-heads.

D.J. Tanner:
[to Stephanie] We were in the same class, but I didn't talk to Kimmy for six months.

Stephanie Tanner:
Is that because she's an airhead?

D.J. Tanner:
She's not an airhead. She just hates thinking.

Kimmy Gibbler:
[repeated line, to D.J] I love the way your mind works.

Stephanie Tanner:
[passing by Joey, Jesse and Danny] Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

Jesse Cochran:
[the teacher looks at them confused] What? Elizabeth Taylor's daughter had 7 fathers.

Joey Gladstone:
Hey Danny, don't look now but it looks like D.J.'s going over the wall.

Danny Tanner:
[looks out the window and sees D.J. climbing the school fence] Oh great, another breakout.

Jesse Cochran:
This is the most terrifying shower scene since Psycho!

Jesse Katsopolis:
[doing a puppet show for Michelle, since they got locked in a garage during Michelle's circus party] Hi Socko! How's your day?

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Not so good. I'm locked in a gas station... thanks to my uncle!

Jesse Katsopolis:
I don't think that putting the blame on the nice uncle will help anything.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Well, you DID ask how my day was.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Well, yes I did...

[they start to argue and Stephanie eventually pulls off the sock puppet of Jesse's hand]

Jesse Katsopolis:
Ahh! Help, I'm naked!

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
That's funny.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Elmer, don't you ever check the bathroom before you lock up? What's the matter with you?

Mechanic:
What's the matter with me? You're the one with the cone on his head!

Joey Gladstone:
What do you have against clowns?

Jesse Katsopolis:
They bug me, man. They think they're so funny!

D.J.:
Stephanie, she's just a little kid.

Steph:
Yeah, and Chuckie was JUST a doll.

Danny Tanner:
Now there are two candies, one of you gets the cherry and the other one gets a nut cluster.

Michelle Tanner:
Nuts make me gag.

Danny Tanner:
Steph, you can stomach your nuts, right?

Steph:
Oh sure, punish the one with the good digestion system.

Michelle Tanner:
I need a window seat otherwise I gag.

Steph:
I thought nuts made you gag.

Michelle Tanner:
Two things can make you gag.

Steph:
[watching DJ and Steve kiss] No Michelle, three things can make you gag.

Vicky Larson:
[watching Jesse and Joey doing their radio show in a shark tank] I can't believe Jesse would do this.

Danny Tanner:
Scuba dive?

Vicky Larson:
Get his hair wet.

Kimmy Gibbler:
[Michelle's disappeared] We better go tell your dad, let me know how it turns out.

D.J.:
Kimmy! We just lost our little sister!

Danny Tanner:
Sounds like you were trying to be the boss.

Michelle Tanner:
The princess *is* the boss.

Danny Tanner:
*Bruce Springstein* is the boss.

Papouli:
Of *course* you are!

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
Is it okay to cry?

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
Kimmy, I don't want to be seen together wearing the exact same pair of sunglasses.

Kimberly 'Kimmy' Louise Gibbler:
Maybe we shouldn't be seen together at all.

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
Fine with me.

Kimberly 'Kimmy' Louise Gibbler:
Fine with me.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Fine with me.

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
We missed you, Grandpa!

Papouli:
You remember last time I was here? I told you to call me Papouli. Grandpa means someone who is old and gray

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
What does Papouli mean?

Papouli:
In Greece, it means someone who is old and gray, but it sounds so much better!

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
You remember me?

Papouli:
Of course I do! Joey!

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
No, I'm Danny.

Joseph 'Joey' Gladstone:
I'm Joey.

Papouli:
Of course you are! [turns to D.J] And little Stephanie!

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
No, I'm D.J.!

Papouli:
Of course you are! [turns to hug Stephanie] And little Michelle!

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
I'm Stephanie.

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
I'm little Michelle.

Papouli:
[turns to Michelle] Of course you are! [turns to Steve] And... I have no idea who you are.

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
You don't know who any of us are.

Jesse Katsopolis:
You have to give me this recipe before you leave!

Papouli:
No problem. This I got off a box of Moussaka Helper.

Jesse Katsopolis:
I really don't dance.

Papouli:
You're Greek, you dance!

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
How can I stop myself from crying?

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Think of something funny, like when Joey stuffs a whole donut in his mouth.

Joseph 'Joey' Gladstone:
After everything that's happened this week, it makes you realize life is short and you should really go for your dreams or you've got no reason to get up in the morning and scratch yourself.

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
[to Uncle Jesse] If I feel sad, I might cry, and I can't be brave... for you.

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
[giving Jesse the same advice he gave her] It's okay to be sad.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Yeah, I heard that somewhere before.

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
[tearing up] Uncle Jesse, is it okay to cry?

Jesse Katsopolis:
[finally letting himself cry] You bet. [they embrace]

Jesse Cochran:
You are a moron! There's The Miracle of Christmas, and there's Smokey Robinson and the Miracles... There's miracle whip... but there's no Miracle of Thanksgiving, huh?

Joey Gladstone:
Oh no? Suppose the pilgrims had landed in Florida. We'd all be eating flamingo.

Joey Gladstone:
The miracle [Makes horn tooting sound] of Thanksgiving.

Joey Gladstone:
I was going to just talk about dinner. See, I figured, why spend dinner over at Uncle Hank's house which, by the way, you can't even find, when fate has kind of dropped you and your bird, if you will, here in our laps?

Alexandra:
Because our husbands wouldn't like it.

Jesse Cochran:
What is it, Lassie? What is it, Girl? Did Grandpa fall in the river again?

Danny Tanner:
Okay, who wants white meat? [several say they do. He cuts into the charred turkey] scratch that. We have dark meat or really dark meat.

Jesse Katsopolis:
All right, here we go! [starts Yankee Doodle auditions in a montage]

Michelle Tanner:
[singing nicely] Yankee Doodle went to town...

Paul Revere:
[off key] Riding on a po-ny...

Aaron Bailey:
[shouting] STUCK A FEATHER IN HIS HAT!

Denise Frazer:
And... ooh...

Terri:
[with pom-poms] Yankee Doodle, keep it up...

Little Girl:
[does nothing]

Aaron Bailey:
MIND THE MUSIC AND THE STEPS!

Denise Frazer:
...and with the girls be handy!

Little Girl:
I never liked this song.

Steph:
[after Danny, Jesse and Joey have cleaned the house] Grandma Irene, does this mean hell is freezing over?

Joey:
Split my pants!

Danny Tanner:
Can't stand my pants!

Joey:
Cereal, pajamas, cartoons, this is why God invented Saturday mornings.

[repeated line]

Jesse Cochran:
I love this amphibean.

D.J. Tanner:
Joey, Yogi may be smarter than the average bear, but he's dumber than the average 3-year-old.

Claire Tanner:
[finds Bubba in Michelle's playpen] Oh my God, my granddaughter is a turtle!

Joey:
Michelle needs your love more than ever right now.

Jesse Cochran:
[to Danny] Your mom called *our* moms?

Danny Tanner:
D. J., go put Annie Oakley in her bunkhouse. Jesse, find a corral for trigger. Joey, I'm all out of cowboy metaphors, so let's put away the grub. I was wrong, I had one left.

Stephanie Tanner:
*Birds* can fly in fog. We should've taken a bird.

D.J. Tanner:
I know what it's like not to get what you want. Remember when I was supposed to do that Oat Boats cereal commercial? And you got it instead?

Stephanie Tanner:
Uh huh.

D.J. Tanner:
Well, what did I do? Did I mope?

Stephanie Tanner:
No. You chased me around the kitchen and tried to kill me.

D.J.:
Uh, Steph... who do you think is a better singer, Alvin, Simon, or Theodore?

Steph:
Are you serious? Everybody knows without Alvin, they're just a bunch of squirrels dressed like Don Johnson!

Michelle:
[sticks out tongue] Lehhh...

Joey Gladstone:
Maybe when you moved in here you lost something, but look at how much you gained!

Jesse Cochran:
What, Joseph, what have I gained?

Joey Gladstone:
I'll give you a perfect example. Why do you think you came rushing back here to check on a cough?

Jesse Cochran:
Because I care about Michelle. But I cared about Michelle before I moved into this house.

Danny Tanner:
Yeah, but before you moved into this house, the girls were just your nieces. You stopped by four times a year to give them birthday and Christmas presents. It's not like that anymore, is it? Do you have any idea how important you are to those three girls?

Joey Gladstone:
Jesse, you have been there every time those girls have needed you.

Danny Tanner:
Can you honestly tell me that you can just forget about the past seven months? Just walk out of this house and go back to visits on birthdays and Christmas?

Jesse Cochran:
They do love me, don't they? They really love me, don't they? Well fellows, can you blame them?

D.J.:
[a neighbor has accused Comet of barking at her dog, DJ is stressed about her SATs] Look, lady! Nobody in this family barks!

Ms. Twitchel:
Well. Now we see where he gets it from.

Jesse Katsopolis:
I've always wondered, do you get paid by the letter?

Vanna White:
You when they buy a vowel? That money goes to me.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Even Y?

Vanna White:
Sometimes.

Kimmy Gibbler:
We never clean at my house. We move in, trash the place for five years, then move out.

D.J. Tanner:
Well, Dad should be happy, there's only one wad of Joey's gum under the coffee table this time.

Rebecca Katsopolis:
Danny, we've been cleaning, check out this statue.

Danny Tanner:
[touches the statue with his glove] Well, a little wax in his ear but not bad.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Michelle, let me ask you a question, do you REALLY care if the chimney's clean or not?

Michelle Tanner:
Yes I do, and so does Santa Claus.

Stephanie Tanner:
She's completely brainwashed!

Michelle Tanner:
EVERYTHING should be washed!

Jesse Katsopolis:
[after Danny returns home, covered in dirt and acting like a slob] Danny, did you get kidnapped by the Grateful Dead?

Kimmy Gibbler:
Why do you have to clean? You guys already have THE cleanest house in the neighborhood.

Jesse Katsopolis:
You know something, for once, Gibbler has a point.

Kimmy Gibbler:
It was bound to happen sooner or later, Big Guy.

D.J.:
Dad, I was talking to Eddie and he didn't know who I was.

Danny:
The nurse told me that Eddie is suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer's Disease. It effects his memory and sometimes he doesn't know where he is or what he's doing.

D.J.:
Is he going to get better?

Danny:
[gravely] Actually, the truth is, if he has Alzheimer's, he's going to get worse.

D.J.:
Is there a cure?

Danny:
Not yet.

Eddie:
We've got to start taking field trips to this house. In one afternoon, I saw a dog show, a man in a ranger uniform and a *pregnant* man!

Nurse:
Eddie, you need a nap.

Steph:
The Making of a Wedding, the saga continues. The groom is now 25 minutes late, and here's the man who let him jump out of a plane on his wedding day, Joey Gladstone. Joey, how do you feel right now?

Joey:
Sad, hurt, angry, bitter, scared, used, and I'm pretty hungry. I forgot to eat breakfast.

Steph:
Poor Joey, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And here's Becky with her loving family. Any words for Uncle Jesse?

Becky:
Darling, I just hope you are alright. But if you are alright, I'll kill you.

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
[being the flowergirl] Stop the wedding! Stop the wedding

Danny Tanner:
What's wrong?

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
I ran out of flowers I'm sorry [start's picking them up]

[after having daydream]

Jesse Katsopolis:
That's terrible.

Danny Tanner:
I know. Those girls living there so long.

Jesse Katsopolis:
No... I mean about my hair!

Adult Kimmy:
[walks in] Hola, Tanneritos!

[screams in love shock]

Jesse Katsopolis:
Oh my god! It's Kimmy Gibbler!

Adult Kimmy:
Eat your heart out, boys.

[Smirks]

Adult Kimmy:
Too bad you weren't nice to me when I was younger.

Michelle Tanner:
I want my ouce cream.

D.J. Tanner:
You want your ice cream.

Michelle Tanner:
That's what I said, don't you listen?

Kimmy Gibbler:
Guess what? I mouthed off to my mom and she grounded me.

Jesse Katsopolis:
So why aren't you home?

Kimmy Gibbler:
Because she grounded me over here. She said if I stayed home she'd just be punishing herself.

Danny Tanner:
I can just picture it now, we're still living in the house, the girls are still living in the house, that dog Comet is still living in the house!

Adult D.J.:
Breakfast before noon?

Adult Steph:
How rude!

Adult D.J.:
I am so sick of hearing 'Gow rude'!

Jesse Katsopolis:
Michelle! Come in here and get your breakfast before Joey eats it all!

Adult Michelle:
I'm not really hungry, do we have any ouce cream?

Jesse Katsopolis, Danny Tanner, Joey Gladstone, Adult D.J., Adult Steph:
IT'S ICE CREAM!

Joey Gladstone:
They don't even ask anymore; they just assume that their wish is our command.

Danny Tanner:
And the worst part is I don't remember getting one thank-you, do you?

Joey Gladstone:
Well, let's see - "Give me", "Get me", "Take me", "Make me", "Drive me", "Buy me", "Find me", nope; no thank-you.

Stephanie Tanner:
All right, on your marks - get set... PIG OUT!

Jesse:
[about the baby they're watching] You see cute, I see smelly diapers.

Jesse Katsopolis:
I'm not trying to be mean, it's just, uh, you kinda backed me in a corner down there in front of everybody with that pasta incident. I mean, uh, you don't want your old man looking like a weenie, do you?

Alex Katsopolis:
Weenie.

Nicky Katsopolis:
Weenie.

Jesse Katsopolis:
No jokes. Sit down. Put the chair down, and sit down. Look, we're all on the same team here, let's just do this time-out thing and get it over with. [Nicky and Alex give Bronx cheers] Okay, now you've gone too far. I'm trying to be a good guy. Nicky, Alex, you keep those little butts in those chairs and you do not move a muscle until I say it's okay. Do you understand me?

Alex Katsopolis:
Mean Daddy.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Mean Daddy.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Mean Daddy?

Alex Katsopolis:
Mean Daddy.

D.J. Tanner:
Dad, don't worry. I'm ready for the responsibility. I'm ready to be in charge. And I'm ready for three dollars an hour.

Danny Tanner:
You want me to pay you three dollars an hour to stay at home and spend an evening with your little sisters?

D.J. Tanner:
Good point. $3.50.

Denise:
Why are you living in a room full of pink bunnies?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Well, I started off with two and then uh... [raises eyebrows]

[a flashback shows D.J. and Kimmy at a fraternity party. Kimmy got drunk]

D.J.:
And that's what really happened.

Kimmy Gibbler:
[angrily] You just can't admit you were jealous of me! You had to embarrass me, and take my car keys like I'm some kind of *child*!

D.J.:
Kimmy, you could barely *walk*.

Kimmy Gibbler:
[shouts] It's my life! What do *you* care?

D.J.:
I'm sorry. I *do* care. My mom died because of a drunk driver.

[near tears]

D.J.:
I wasn't gonna lose my best friend the same way.

Kimmy Gibbler:
[feeling ashamed] Deej I'm sorry. I know. I made an idiot out of myself last night. I didn't know how to talk to those frat guys. But after a couple of drinks, I started to loosen up. For the first time in my life, I felt cool.

D.J.:
Well, Kimmy, they called you a lot of things at that party, but cool wasn't one of 'em.

Kimmy Gibbler:
Well, Deej, how come *you* weren't nervous?

D.J.:
Are you kidding? I was a wreck. I was talking to this really cute guy and he kept smiling at me, and then I looked down, and I realized that my elbow was in the clam dip.

Kimmy Gibbler:
Oh, man. I would've been so humiliated.

D.J.:
Yeah, well, it wasn't my finest moment. But, in some weird way, it broke the ice, and we were laughing about it.

Kimmy Gibbler:
So, the trick to staying calm is to keep your elbow in the dip?

D.J.:
The trick is to remember that everybody is nervous, and it is a lot easier to handle if you stay in control.

Kimmy Gibbler:
I'm glad one of us did. Thanks, D.J.

[she and D.J. hug]

D.J.:
Kimmy, you can't drive!

Kimmy Gibbler:
[drunk] Well if I walk and fall, I might hurt myself.

Kimmy Gibbler:
Last night I dreamt I was driving this big, white porcelain bus.

D.J.:
That was because you had your head in the toilet throwing up every half hour.

Kimmy Gibbler:
Oh, so that's why every time I hit the turn signal, I heard a flush.

Danny Tanner:
[Kimmy's crawling around D.J.'s bed under the covers] That's not the guy who created Loveboat, is it?

Stephanie Tanner:
[diagnosing Kimmy's symptoms] Kimmy ate tainted pork.

D.J.:
She didn't eat tainted pork, she's drunk.

Stephanie Tanner:
We've gotta tell Dad.

D.J.:
No, if he finds out he'll kick her out of the house and never let her back over.

Stephanie Tanner:
Again I say, we've gotta tell dad.

Jesse Katsopolis:
[eats Joey's new cooking] Joey... can you help me on this?... and what did I just put in my mouth?

Joey Gladstone:
Yes... and, Flounder Tarts! [Jesse spits it out]

Danny Tanner:
[knocks] D.J. are you in there?

D.J.:
Yeah one sec Dad! [clears off pillows off of her bed, and pushes Kimmy under the covers]

Kimmy Gibbler:
Wahoo!

D.J.:
Kimmy, we're going to play a little game okay? Whoever stays quietest the longest gets to lipwrestle with the captain of the football team!

Kimmy Gibbler:
Play ball!

D.J.:
[pulls blanket over Kimmy's head] Come in!

Danny Tanner:
[opens door] You're home early, how was the party?

D.J.:
Oh, it was great! It was really good! We just didn't want to burn out on all the fun!

Danny Tanner:
I'm glad you had a good time. [Kimmy starts rolling around under the blankets] That isn't the guy who created The Love Boat under there is it?

D.J.:
No! [stands up] Umm... actually it's Kimmy. She had a really big fight so I just told her she could sleep at our house!

Danny Tanner:
Why couldn't she just have a really big fight with us and sleep at her own house?

D.J.:
That's something to think about [laughs nervously] You know I'm really tired from all that frat fun, I'll just see you in the morning.

Danny Tanner:
Good night hun. [leaves and closes door]

Kimmy Gibbler:
[Sits up in bed with the blanket still over her head] Hey! This party's too dark!

D.J.:
[pulls the blanket off of Kimmy] Kimmy, the party's over, you got us kicked out. Just go to sleep okay?

Becky Katsopolis:
Remember that sausage and lima bean casserole I made? I called it my Sunday Surprise.

Danny Tanner:
We called it our *Monday* Surprise.

Jesse Katsopolis:
I was still getting surprised on Tuesday.

Michelle:
[Joey is going to open for Wayne Newton in Las Vegas] Joey's opening a Fig Newton in Vegas!

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Give us a break, Uncle Jesse, we sounded okay.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Okay? Okay is not going to cut it. You guys aren't ready to perform in front of people. Now what you gotta do is practice over and over and over again until you can play this stuff in your sleep.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Any other complaints?

Jesse Katsopolis:
Yeah, you have a bad attitude.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Well that's because you're a bad manager.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Steph, I - I don't really need this.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Well we don't need you.

Jesse Katsopolis:
Really? So you guys are firing me?

Kimberly 'Kimmy' Louise Gibbler:
We can't fire you. You quit!

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Kimmy, I'll handle this.

Jesse Katsopolis:
You know, Steph, I'm sorry I got involved with your little band in the first place.

Gia Mahan:
Not as sorry as we are. [Jesse gives her an almost-menacing look then walks away]

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
How's the homework coming?

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner:
Great! I just made $60,000.

Joseph 'Joey' Gladstone:
Doing homework? All I got was just a little happy face.

Gia Mahan:
Steph, right now she's all we got.

Steph:
But you don't know her like I do. She's rude, crude, and lewd.

Gia Mahan:
That's perfect!

Jesse Katsopolis:
[noticing D.J. changed the grade on her science test from an F to an A] I wonder what an A paper sounds like? "Photosynthesis is the process in which photos are synthesized"?

Michelle Tanner:
May I have that cupcake, please?

Stephanie Tanner:
No, you may not.

Michelle Tanner:
But I was polite and I said please.

Stephanie Tanner:
I was polite, too; I said, "No, you may not."

Michelle Tanner:
Guess what? Politeness Week is over!

[grabs Stephanie's cupcake and runs off, followed by Stephanie]

Stephanie Tanner:
How rude!

Kimmy Gibbler:
I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you... only you're not joining in.

Jesse Katsopolis:
[Joey and Jesse are at the window, locked outside when the call Jesse's been waiting on comes in] Michelle, it's the ad agency. Take a message. There's a pencil on the desk.

Joey Gladstone:
Oh, and I live in a dream world?

Jesse Katsopolis:
You really like our jingle?

Mr. Malatesta:
No. I like my wife. I love your jingle.

[Michelle's pet donkey ate Steph's geography project]

Danny Tanner:
Don't worry, Steph. I'll write a note to your teacher.

Steph:
What are you going to say, "The donkey ate my homework?" I already used that one last week.

Danny Tanner:
Where should I hang this picture?

Jesse:
How about under the mantle?

[Jesse and Joey laugh over the joke]

Danny Tanner:
Under the mantle is the fireplace.

Joey:
I'll get the matches.

[Jesse and Joey laugh again]

Kimmy Gibbler:
[Danny is deciding where to put a picture of his great-grandfather, which looks like Bob Saget] Hey, Mr. T.

Danny Tanner:
Hello, Kimmy.

Kimmy Gibbler:
Did you happen to get a picture of the front of the horse too?

Danny Tanner:
This happens to be one of my relatives. If you wanna see yours, you could go rent "Gorillas in the Mist."

Joey:
Hey Jess, how does the theme song to 'Batman' go?

Jesse:
You mean, "Batman... da da da da BATMAN"?

Joey:
Yeah, that's it.

Jesse:
So, uh, which word couldn't you remember? "Batman" or "Duh"?

Becky:
My mother says the 60% of the body heat is lost through the head.

Jesse:
60% of his body is his head!

[talking to Becky's mother]

Jesse:
Do you really say "a hat on a head keeps a kid out of bed?" Oh. [makes disgusted face] Hmm? Oh, and a scarf on a throat goes great with a coat.

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Eew.

[looks at squid]

Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner:
Why did I order this? Here, Michelle.

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner:
Eew, gross. Kill it, Daddy.

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
Michelle, it's already dead.

[picks up plate and the squid has suction-cupped onto the plate]

Daniel 'Danny' Tanner:
Uh...waiter? Could you take this back to the tank.

[after kids reconize him as Ranger Joe]

Joseph 'Joey' Gladstone:
Look kids, I'd love to sign autographs, but could you wait until AFTER I'm done eating?

[kid sneezes on Joey's food]

Joseph 'Joey' Gladstone:
Never mind.

Becky:
My mom wants to talk to your mom.

Jesse:
That's fine, because my mom wants to talk to your mom. [puts the phones together, listens to the mothers arguing] I can't take it. [into Becky's phone] Mom, doesn't Becky's mom squawk like a chi... hi Becky's mom! No, I didn't say squawk like a chicken, I said... talks like Charles Dickens! God bless us everyone! [hangs up]

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