Galavant

King of Valencia:
We'll stay here with the princess 'til she weds her little cuz'.

Queen of Valencia:
Yes, we know it's incest, still it's what our family does!

Isabella:
Where is my Galavant? Come find me, Galavant! When will our plot lines re-collide?

Sid:
The whole season ends with armies from Valencia, Hortensia, and Richard's land in one ginormous battle to decide who's gonna be the one true king to rule the whole entire...

Gareth:
Way to blow it, you prat!

[singing]

Entire Cast:
It's a new season, though it's still not that long. A new season with some slightly new shadings. And there's no reason why we burst into song! You'll know hell's freezing if we get decent ratings!

King Richard:
Oh God, I do not feel good! Is there a name for when you throw up through your nose?

Valencian Guard:
Hear ye, hear ye! Presenting the Queen and the guy that was with the Queen when she killed the other guy who was kinda the King.

Gareth:
[to Madalena] Maybe later we can discuss my title.

Queen of Valencia:
Honey, Galavant is gone. He was a tall drink of water and I will keep him forever in my spank bank, but it's time to move on.

King Richard:
Well, those pirates were a bit snippy with me, no?

Galavant:
Please stop talking.

King Richard:
Are you still upset about the shipwreck? Jeez, man, what's the point of a bygone if it can't just be a bygone?

Galavant:
A pirate died!

King Richard:
That's what pirates do!

[singing to Galavant and gay pub patrons]

The Queen:
Off with his shirt! That's the deal, you're our beefcake happy meal! Go on, you guys, just feast your eyes until they hurt. Off with his shirt, 'til the dawn! Dig the lush pectoral lawn! Drink in those lats and traps and delts - and after that who knows what else? So save some room, boys, for dessert! Oh, off with his shirt!

King Richard:
Uncle Keith! Dad said you went to The Enchanted Forest and never came out.

Uncle Keith:
The other way 'round, kid.

King Richard:
Huh?

King Richard:
I know you don't think much of me, and I know I screw everything up all the time, but you have to understand I was coddled my entire life.

Galavant:
I know.

King Richard:
I was breastfed until I was nine.

Galavant:
I kn... Wait, what?

King Richard:
I had a nanny named Pearl...

Galavant:
Oh, I don't want to know!

Gareth:
This is the kingdom's charter. It outlines the changes of power when a king is deposed... but I can't read.

Sid:
Oh, Gareth! Are you asking me to teach you to read?

Gareth:
No! Reading is for morons who can't understand pictures.

Isabella:
You two have to help me escape and find Galavant. You must see how insane this all is!

Chef:
I do hate the idea of you being forced into marriage. I'm kind of big into women's rights.

Gwynne:
He really is. He said he's gonna let me keep our first daughter, and not just throw them all out.

Chef:
One daughter! Then we leave the rest to the white walkers.

[Richard gets trapped in a gay pub, where he discovers his father's best friend]

Uncle Keith:
I *belong* here. Your father, God rest his soul, he *belonged* here.

King Richard:
Was he an alcoholic too?

Uncle Keith:
But you don't belong here. I'm gonna help you escape.

[Richard effeminately claps his hands]

King Richard:
Marvelous!

Uncle Keith:
Okay. Maybe you do belong here.

Gareth:
I helped you overthrow a king.

Madalena:
You helped your friend escape and watched as I killed his replacement.

Gareth:
I'm sick of not being treated as an equal. I'm sick of having to park my horse in the stable with the assistants. Look, according to the scrolls I have had read to me, I banished the king so technically I am the true King of Valencia, and it would *really* mean a lot to me if I was treated as such.

Madalena:
What is it with men and their *emotions*?

King Richard:
I smell backstory, and I love backstory!

Gareth:
[examining his birthday gifts] This is a bit fancy.

Madalena:
It's a crystal nut bowl.

Gareth:
Yeah, they'll never fit.

Madalena:
No, for dinner parties.

Galavant:
[headed to Galavant's father's house] We're here. Now, look, are you sure you wouldn't rather face starvation? I would.

King Richard:
You know, I do not understand it. My father died when I was just a boy. I would do anything to see him again. So hungry...

Roberta:
Yeah.

Galavant:
Well, your dad probably wasn't a serial philanderer who was never around and left your mum.

Roberta:
That is so sad!

King Richard:
Not as sad as having a dead dad, right? I mean, my story's sadder.

Galavant:
And just wait until he finds out I'm on a quest for love. Ha! He's going make such fun of it.

Roberta:
Well, if he criticizes you over dinner, I'm fine with that. Especially if dinner is steak.

King Richard:
Here, here!

Arnold Galavant:
I will be damned. I never thought I'd live to see my oldest son with such a bushy beard.

Galavant:
It's not bushy! It's correct for the period.

King Richard:
[on meeting Galavant's dad] You have a lot of children. Your wife must be so sore.

[Gareth and Madalena are trying to start a bar brawl]

Gareth:
Oy! You got a problem?

Bar Patron 1:
Uh, none at all, uh, Your Highness.

Madalena:
Well, you should. King Gareth just called your mother a two-bit hussy!

Bar Patron 1:
Oh, uh, right you are, my king! My mother is a hussy. In fact, she's the biggest hussy in the land.

Old Lady:
Indeed I am, your grace!

King Richard:
How could things have gone so bad so quickly? The stupid bats ate all our food, we all got the same cold, worst of all...

Galavant:
PLEASE don't say it again!

King Richard:
We had to eat that family of Hobbits.

Galavant:
Well, we wouldn't have had to if you'd let us eat your stupid iguana.

King Richard:
Tad Cooper is a *dragon* and we are not eating a dragon!

Galavant:
He's a lizard... a very sumptuous, meaty lizard...

Roberta:
Richard, look, I'm sorry we had to eat Hobbits. And I'm sorry we'll soon have to eat your iguana...

[Richard clears his throat]

Roberta:
Dragon. But we don't have a choice, we're starving.

[reading a sign]

King Richard:
Entering the property of Sir Arnold Galavant. Huh. Is he any relation of yours?

Galavant:
Uhhhh, nope... Maybe. Okay, fine. Yes, he's my dad! Look, I knew he lived around here somewhere, I just don't wanna see him.

Roberta:
You knew? We ate Hobbits!

Madalena:
As you all know, this is the first birthday party I've thrown for Gareth since he became king. If you ruin the surprise, I'll cut your tongue out with a dull knife... Thanks for your hard working, I cherish you, one and all.

Wormwood:
My plan is almost ready, Barry.

Barry:
Your wedding plan?

Wormwood:
Yes, and my evil plan.

Barry:
I thought that was a plot.

Wormwood:
Oh for... Actually, if I'm being honest, I'm losing track myself.

Gareth:
It's just that all this hoity toity king stuff, it's just not me.

Madalena:
Oh... okay. So, what is you, Gareth? I mean, if you could get anything for your birthday, what would it be?

Gareth:
A scar!

Sid:
If you hand me over, they'll kill me! Do you really want my death on your conscience for six lousy gold pieces? What could you even buy with that?

Valencian Peasant 1:
A farm!

Valencian Peasant 3:
I could get a new wife! I *hate* the old one!

Valencian Peasant 1:
I'm changing mine. I want a new wife too!

Sid:
Dammit, why do musicals always get me so worked up?

Madalena:
I'm taking you to the sleaziest tavern in Valencia to get you a new birthday scar.

[singing, leading an army of gradually-dwindling peasants]

Sid:
We will march and we'll fight for the cause of good and right, though the odds of us surviving are ridiculously slight! And we'll stand proud and tall 'til they come to kill us all, then we'll beg and plead and soil ourselves as one-by-one we fall! Some they'll slash, some they'll hack, some they'll bludgeon blue-and-black, some they'll gut from top-to-bottom, some they'll mangle front-to-back! And we'll all realize as they're gouging out our eyes that tomorrow we'll regret it but today we rise!

Isabella:
Mr. Wormwood, we need to talk!

[she hurls a magical tiara at him]

Chester Wormwood:
My lady, there's a perfectly good explanation.

Isabella:
You were using it to control my mind and take over our kingdom as part of some nefarious scheme!

Chester Wormwood:
Okay, yes, that is the explanation.

Chester Wormwood:
Oh Princess, I'm a master of the dark arts. Yes, and the only thing to kill me is the sword wielded by the one true king to unite them all, and no one knows where that is!

[cutaway to Richard sitting on a log, using the butt of the sword to crack walnuts]

Isabella:
I can still have them chop off your arms!

Chester Wormwood:
Ha!

[the guards draw their swords]

Chester Wormwood:
Oh. Can you? Can she? Yes, hadn't thought of that.

[singing, leading an army of quickly-dwindling peasants]

Sid:
And our corpses will rot on the plain, leaving only a gross bloody stain! Then the world, it will see - as will all of history - we had truth on our side but we still died in vain! And the brave, lucky few who will somehow make it through, scarred for life and missing limbs and needing help to pee and poo, they can stand 'neath these skies begging change from passerbys! Is it hopeless? Yep, you said it! We might as well forget it! Tomorrow we'll regret it but today we rise! Oh my God, will we regret it but today we rise!

Isabella:
Be gone, Chester Wormwood. You are banished from Hortensia!

Chester Wormwood:
Fine. You win, for now! But mark my words, I will return to take this kingdom by force, and you and your family will decorate my highest tower, with your heads!... Oh, but don't forget, the wedding is fast approaching, so have the groomsman's gifts engraved with their initials. It's a classy move... But you will die, I swear!... Oh, and don't forget to tip the waiters on the day. Oh, they work so hard... ROT IN HELL, SWINE!

[Sid bumps into Barry and Wormwood in The Forest of Coincidence]

Sid:
I'm trying to put as much distance as I can between myself and an insane king and queen.

Barry:
Oh, believe me, we get that! We've just been kicked out by Princess Isabella.

Sid:
Princess Isabella? She's one of the people I'm looking for!

Chester Wormwood:
Really? How incredible!

Sid:
I'm desperate to find her and her true love, Galavant.

Chester Wormwood:
What are you talking about? Galavant told her he wished she would die... in a fart, if I remember correctly.

Sid:
Galavant never makes fart jokes! No, there must be a misunderstanding. I have to find him right away, but how?

[a serf mysteriously appears behind Wormwood]

Serf:
Excuse me, did you say Galavant? Oh, I hear he's staying at his father's place just a five day's walk away from here.

Sid:
If you're in Valencia, be careful. The king and queen are crazy, war-minded monsters.

Chester Wormwood:
Crazy, war-minded monsters? What a wonderful coincidence.

Roberta:
Galavant, I'm starting to worry that Richard won't be ready when the real battle comes.

Galavant:
Careful, Roberta. You're starting to sound like someone who cares for the guy.

Roberta:
In love with him? Me? What! I'm not in love with him... at all.

Orphan #1:
Sir Galavant, tell us what it was like to grow up with your awesome dad!

Galavant:
Well, kiddies, there was this one time. Well, I remember it like it was yesterday. Gather 'round! He told my mother that he didn't love her - right in front of my face. And then he passed out on the dog. And it was Christmas and the dog died.

Isabella:
Mum! Dad! You look terrible.

King of Valencia:
Because you threw us in the dungeon.

Isabella:
I know, and I'm so sorry. But it wasn't me, it was a spell!

King of Valencia:
We slept in an inch of water. I have mold in the crack of my tuchas!

Hortensian Bishop:
Typically, and by kingdom charter, when a princess breaks off her engagement with a prince, it requires one simple action.

Isabella:
Great.

Hortensian Bishop:
He demands your bra.

Isabella:
[taken aback] My - my bra?

Prince Harry:
Your bra. To show to my friends!

Isabella:
Absolutely not! I am a liberated woman, I am a warrior princess, and I will not be giving an eleven-year-old my bra!

Hortensian Bishop:
Then death it is.

Isabella:
[sighs] Fine. Unbelievable. But I am lobbying to change this law!

Prince Harry:
Yes!

Madalena:
I'm sorry your birthday has been such a bust. I really tried to get someone to hit you.

Gareth:
It's alright. It's just nice to know you cared.

Madalena:
I do have one last birthday surprise that unexpectedly arrived. I think you're going to love it.

[Chester Wormwood enters]

Madalena:
How would you like an unprovoked war with the kingdom of Hortensia?

Gareth:
Best birthday present ever.

[Madalena and Wormwood menacing laugh]

Wormwood:
Tick-tock.

Galavant:
Either we need to find your army or I need to go and find another one so I can go and save Isabella.

King Richard:
Oh relax, chisel-chin, you'll get my army. I just have to figure out where they went. And if they took my castle with them.

King Richard:
If you're about to bring up looking for an army again, I swear to God I will freak out because I just lost my f***ing castle!

Galavant:
Touchy!

[Gareth has been having nightmares]

Madalena:
His screaming is interrupting my beauty sleep. And do you know what happens when a queen loses her beauty sleep?

Sid:
She can sleep in later because she's a queen and she can do whatever she wants?

Madalena:
She could get a wrinkle. And if she gets a wrinkle, she'll make sure you get a wrinkle... on your neck!... I'm sorry, I'm not being very clear, I'm really tired. What I'm trying to say is if you don't fix it, I'll cut your throat. Okay? Nighty-night.

King of Valencia:
You're twenty-five. My mother was a great-grandmother by then!

Queen of Valencia:
While we're happy you agreed to be forced to marry your cousin, maybe it's time to start making some decisions. Hmmm? At least meet the wedding planner. He's very excited to meet you.

Isabella:
I don't care about any of it if I'm not marrying someone I love.

Queen of Valencia:
Oh sweetheart, marriage isn't about love!

Sid:
Do you think that maybe you're feeling, I don't know, a little guilty?

Gareth:
What's guilty?

Sid:
When you feel bad about what you've done.

Gareth:
That's not a thing!

[singing]

King Richard:
If I were a friendly farmer, wouldn't that be oh so sweet? I'd be planting greens and lots of beans and other things to eat. Then I'd plant some eggs, then a couple pigs, then a yummy chocolate cake... No, that's not right. Besides, any moron can plant a cake.

Wormwood:
Barry, the princess is on her way. Now remember, not a word about my plan.

Barry:
The wedding plan? I thought that's why she's coming.

Wormwood:
No, the *evil* plan, you idiot, the one to control her mind with this enchanted tiara and take over the kingdom.

Barry:
I thought that was the scheme.

Wormwood:
No, the scheme is the colors!

Barry:
I'm confused.

Wormwood:
Barry, I swear to God... Okay, for clarity's sake, from now on we'll call it the wedding plan, the evil plot, and the color scheme. Got it?

King Richard:
So they would prefer to decide their fate by majority opinion rather than being ruled by me, whose right to kingship was passed down from ancestors said to be a god and a mermaid. Fools!

King Richard:
If I were still your king, I would force every one of you to join this man's army - not because I was a tyrant and a terrible leader who hosted baby fights, which I now realize is weird and not that entertaining even after the addition of the cobra - but because true love is rare and worth fighting for!

Peasant John:
I can't imagine the free people ever voting to send an army into an open-ended foreign conflict which profits only the few. [mugging the camera] That would be madness!

[singing]

Galavant, King Richard, Gareth, Isabella, King of Valencia, Queen of Valencia, Jester:
It's a good day to die.

Queen of Valencia:
Oh please, this isn't Game of Thrones!

Gareth:
We're not gonna die! Let's end the song and grow some stones - and fight!

Jester:
Or will we leave all our viewers with pain and anger, just like we left them last year? Would we just stop once again on a huge cliffhanger...

[abrupt cut to black]

[singing recap song]

Jester:
The hero plows ahead, his army's kind of dead, and yet his energy is far from flaggin'. King Richard rides with Gal, bringing his lizard pal, which may or may not be a real live dragon. Plus, he's got the sword, which you'll recall means he's the king who'll rule them all. And so to war three armies go! One evil, one so-so, one dead and led by Galavant!

[singing recap song]

Jester:
Gosh, so much to dump upon your doormat in our half-hour sitcom format. Still, there's plot holes we must fill, and though I doubt we will, we're gonna try on Galavant!

Hortensian Army:
[singing] It's a good day to die, though not as good as other days. A good day to die, but if there's one a little ways away, well, then, hey, we can reschedule, it's more than okay!

[Jester is applauded by two armies]

Jester:
Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here all week. Unless I die.

Gareth:
The recap song's over, it's time for war!

Isabella:
There's a lot of them.

King of Valencia:
Yeah, as a former king who once led armies into battle, I must officially say: We are knee-deep in poopy-caca.

Isabella:
Thanks, Dad, that's helpful.

Jester:
I think I've come up with a plan that can turn this whole thing in our favor.

Isabella:
Well, tell me what it is, Jester.

Jester:
We beat them to the punch. We kill ourselves before they kill us! It's sure to ruin their morale. If only I were alive to see the looks on their faces.

Isabella:
Good people of Hortensia, it is true the Valencians have three to our every one. And you are right to worry, because how can so few of us dig the graves of so many of them?

King of Valencia:
She twisted it.

Isabella:
If you want to leave, leave now. I will not mind. For it will leave more glory for the rest of us!

Queen of Valencia:
She twisted it again!

[Hortensians have no weapons and are heading to war with kitchen objects]

Princess Isabella:
Arise, Hortensia! Today we fight! Pots shall be broken! Pans shall be splintered! Whisks shall be... actually, let's not use whisks. It'll be a sore day, a red day, but a day for victory!

Galavant:
Richard, you can do this. Over the last months, I've watched you transform from a boob into a real man. And today you're going to transform into a warrior.

King Richard:
You said "boob!"

Galavant:
Please focus.

[Galavant hands Richard a hooded metal helmet as they head into battle]

King Richard:
Why do we need these? Are we not doing our own stunts?

Galavant:
What? Of course we are. Just to preserve the dramatic reveal.

King Richard:
That's a good idea. You've obviously done this before.

Gareth:
Okay, are we gonna start this war or not?

Chester Wormwood:
I say we wait. In an hour, the sun will be at the perfect angle to highlight the color of the spilling blood against the golden sand.

[spying through a telescope]

Madalena:
Oh God, it' Galavant!... with a weirdly large beard.

[Madalena and Wormwood use magic to control the undead army]

Queen Madalena:
They're kind of attacking everyone, our men included.

Chester Wormwood:
Well, you make a cake, you break a few eggs.

Chester Wormwood:
Seems Galavant has brought the wrong covered dish to the pot luck dinner!

Madalena:
Oh my God, I can do magic! Big day!

Gareth:
It's one thing being a horrible human being, it's another thing to be evil, and I would rather die than join the dark forces!

Galavant:
Me too.

Isabella:
And me.

King Richard:
And me.

Madalena:
Right, well no one invited you lot, but whatever.

Madalena:
Looks like we're all together again, how lovely! Our storylines have been far too separated.

[singing]

Galavant:
It's a good day to die.

King of Valencia:
We won't, there's one more episode.

Galavant:
But still, we could die!

Gareth:
We all know that's a massive load of...

Galavant:
Right! Still, we might.

[an army tries to break down the kingdom gates]

Gareth:
Richard, stand behind me.

King Richard:
I will not. I will stand beside you.

Galavant:
Look, I didn't tell you to die in a brown fart. The truth is, all I've wanted is to come back to you. You're the love of my life. And if we survive this, I want to marry you. And I want to live by the sea...

Isabella:
[touched] You had me at "brown fart".

Galavant:
Richard, you can do this. Over the last months, I've watched you transform from a boob into a real man. And today, you're going to transform into a warrior.

King Richard:
[smirks] You said "boob".

King of Valencia:
As a former king who once led armies into battle, I must officially say we are knee-deep in poopy ca-ca.

[Richard pulls out the enormous Jewel of Valencia]

Galavant:
Where did you get that?

King Richard:
I smuggled it out when we escaped from the kingdom.

Galavant:
How? We didn't have anything with us.

King Richard:
I swallowed it!

Galavant:
It's huge.

King Richard:
Believe me, I know. I had to slather it with bacon grease to choke it down.

Galavant:
Richard, that's insane.

King Richard:
No, what's insane is when it came out. Do you remember that day on the ship when I was screaming for hours? Well, now I know what my mother was always complaining about.

Galavant:
I was thinking from here on out, maybe I'd do the hero thing... alone.

King Richard:
What? Why?

Galavant:
Well, because you nearly got us killed by those mercenaries and the mercenaries before that or any of the other countless times you've put our lives in jeopardy.

Galavant:
Maybe you could spend some more time with Roberta. I mean, you two obviously have something going on.

King Richard:
You mean her? Are you serious?

Galavant:
No, I was just saying it to get out of an awkward situation. But actually, now that I think about it - yeah, that would be a really good way to get you out of my hair!

King Richard:
She's like a sister! And not the kind of sister you marry.

Galavant:
Why don't we all go for dinner tonight, hmmm? Somewhere candlelit?

King Richard:
So... anywhere?

Galavant:
Yeah, pretty much anywhere at all.

Isabella:
Just a moment, I'm practicing writing my married name.

Chef:
Oh. Although isn't it exactly the same as your current name?

Isabella:
[giggling] Yeah.

Gwynne:
Milady, I hope it won't sound impertinent but I can't help noticing the big change that's come over you lately.

Isabella:
I guess I'm just... happy! After all, I am getting married!

Gwynne:
Yeah, but your pupils just spun 'round then and your tiara started to glow, which...

Wormwood:
[menacingly asserting himself into their conversation] She said... she's happy, okay?

[Chef dumps a platter of food into the garbage]

Gwynne:
Chef, no! Don't throw it away!

[Gwynne fishes out berries and eats them]

Chef:
Gwyndolin, babe, you know you don't have to do that anymore. We are officially big pimpin'. No more living on leftovers! We can be as wasteful as the fine folk.

[Chef finds Gwynne sleeping in a dresser drawer]

Chef:
What are you doing in there? You have a bed to sleep in now.

Gwynne:
Like I'm gonna sleep in the thing people use to give birth and die in, sometimes simultaneously!

Chef:
Wow. Grim.

[singing to King Richard]

Galavant:
If you don't screw up this moment somehow, maybe you won't die alone. Don't be too needy or bring up your ex. Don't say the words "herpes simplex." Don't ever mention you've never had sex. Trust me, I promise she knows.

[Gareth enters and hands a box to weeping Madalena]

Madalena:
What's this?

Gareth:
A present. I got you the same exact earrings those queens had.

[inside are two sets of severed ears with earrings attached; she smiles]

Gareth:
Oh, I forgot to take the ears off.

Madalena:
No! I like them this way. Thank you.

Galavant:
Oh, for the love of God, in your purse? That's where you thought no one would look?

Isabella:
I put it with my girl supplies. Guys never look there. They must have sisters.

Isabella:
Wait. What are pirates doing miles from the ocean?

Galavant:
I'm so sorry; am I missing something? Where's your boat?

Pirate King:
I'll be asking the questions around here. [Moves his eyepatch up to his forehead, revealing a perfectly healthy eye] Actually, go ahead. I didn't have a question ready.

Galavant:
Um. Don't you need a boat to be pirates? You're on land.

Pirate #1:
Land, ho!

Pirate King:
Carl, stop it. All you need to be a pirate is a dark heart and a wicked disregard for other people's lives.

Pirate #2:
And swords.

Pirate King:
Of course, swords. That goes without saying. Everyone knows pirates need swords.

Pirate #3:
What about a hook hand?

Pirate #2:
Parrots.

Pirate #3:
Peglegs.

Pirate #1:
Land, ho!

Pirate Ensemble:
[singing] We're the lords of the sea.

Pirate King:
Except we aren't at sea.

Pirate Ensemble:
We're the lords of the sea.

Pirate King:
Just not of the actual sea.

Pirate King:
[to Galavant who is holding a sword on him] You're a fool. When my men see me captive, they will swarm on you like hornets. No, bees. No, hornets was better.

Galavant:
Now look. Either we can take your pirate supplies, the swords, the hooks.

Pirate #2:
Parrots.

Pirate #3:
Booty.

Pirate #2:
Peglegs.

Pirate #1:
Girl supplies.

Galavant:
Yes, yes. All of it! Or, we can work together to get your ship off that hill. And you can take us to Valencia.

Sid:
Who ate all the raisins out of the trail mix?

Galavant:
I hate cashews and Brazil nuts are gross! You know what? Heroes get the raisins.

[singing]

Galavant, Sid, Isabella:
Togetherness will see us through.

Isabella:
Unless I kill the other two.

Galavant, Sid:
Or we kill her together.

[singing]

Galavant, Sid, Isabella:
Each day together's a chore together, a...

Galavant:
Belching!

Isabella:
Nagging!

Sid:
Bore together.

Galavant, Sid:
Then listening to her snore together.

[Isabella snores]

Galavant:
It's like she's a bear.

King Richard:
I cannot believe my Queen is cheating on me with that joker!

Gareth:
He's a jester, sir.

King Richard:
I know he's a jester, Gareth, I was insulting him by calling him a joker. Like when you call someone a clown.

Gareth:
But people like clowns.

King Richard:
Dammit, man! Would you just let me vent?

[high-pitched jingling sound]

King Richard:
I'm sorry, what is that noise?

[the Jester points to the end of his hat]

Jester:
It's my bells, sire. I'm terrified.

King Richard:
Don't be, Already told you I've decided not to kill you. I mean, not that I don't want to. In fact, it would be mondo-satisfying to cut your face off and sew it back on inside-out.

[jingling sound resumes; the Jester grabs his bells to mute them]

Jester:
I guess I just feel a little guilty.

Madalena:
Well, it's very noble of you to care about someone's feelings. Guards! If you're developing a conscience, then you're no good to me.

[to the guards]

Madalena:
Take him to the dungeon, the really scary one. With the mice.

Jester:
Wait! No, please! At least let me change my clothes! These are gang colors!

King Richard:
Make no mistake. If you don't bring me Galavant, I will kill them. For realsies.

Galavant:
We're all gonna live happily ever after.

Isabella:
Yep. I'm sure that's exactly how it's going to be. Especially the living part. For you. No reason why you wouldn't keep on living. Your life.

Sid:
You know you're talking, right?

King Richard:
He'll be here tonight, as the sun has cast its last shadow upon the earth and the crescent moon has risen above the eastern ridge.

Gareth:
So like, nine o'clock.

King Richard:
Yes, Gareth, he'll be here at nine.

King Richard:
She's going to be so surprised!

Gareth:
No she's not, because you keep doing that stupid evil-king-whisper thing that everyone can hear.

Madalena:
Why are you so calm? Normally when I yell at you, you get tummy cramps and have to go poopy. Your words.

King Richard:
What can I say? I'm sleeping well, exercising, laying off the wheat. Just in a really good place right now.

Madalena:
You're inept.

Galavant:
Can we just focus? We've got a castle to storm! The sun's almost perfect for hero lighting... I should do some push-ups.

Isabella:
Wouldn't it be better to storm the castle later? How about on a Wednesday? You never hear of anyone storming a castle on a Wednesday.

Galavant:
The thing is is Wednesdays are quite hard to rhyme with, and I'm pretty much a hundred percent sure they're gonna write songs about this one.

King Richard:
It's 9:03. Why am I the only one who is ever on time?

Gareth:
There should be a standardized system based on the rotation of the earth in relation to its position to the sun and the moon.

King Richard:
You sound like a witch.

King Richard:
It is very rude of Galavant to be late to his own killing!

[Galavant, Isabella and Sid are greeted by a group of do-wop singing monks]

Galavant:
Backstory, please.

Isabella:
Valencian monks all take a vow of singing.

Galavant:
Kill me.

Galavant:
Can't we just have a normal adventure?

Chef:
I'm just trying to stay alive and I find it helps not to ask too many questions.

Madalena:
You sleep in the kitchen?

Chef:
Or do I cook in my room?

Madalena:
Why do I even talk to poor people?

Isabella:
I'm supposed to bring Galavant to the king when the barking of the hounds wakens the fairies in the evening so that they may begin their nocturnal dance.

Confessional Monk:
So, like, nine o'clock?

Isabella:
Yeah, nine.

[singing]

Chef:
If I could share my life with you, just think how happy we'd be. We'd share a hovel built for two, complete with vermin for three. We could while away each hopeless day comparin' open sores. Yes, life would blow, but much less though, if I could share mine with yours.

Gwynne:
No, I can't. It's impossible! If I could share my life with you...

Chef:
Admit it, it would be nice.

Gwynne:
We'd share one cot, one chamber-pot.

Chef:
Plus trench mouth, tapeworms and lice.

[singing]

Chef, Gwynne:
If you could share your life with me, I'll cherish every foul breath.

Gwynne:
The filth.

Chef:
The rot.

Gwynne:
The leprosy.

Chef, Gwynne:
The painful lingering death. Thank the Lord our life expectancy is merely 32.

Gwynne:
Yeah, it might be sweet misery...

Chef, Gwynne:
To share what's left with you!

King Richard:
I need your advice. I really want to kiss Roberta and stuff, and I think the timing is right, but did she say she likes me?

Galavant:
Get to the point.

King Richard:
Do I ask her? Do I just grab her and kiss her? Sneak up behind her in dark clothing and shout, "Boo!" and kiss her when she's screaming? What?

Galavant:
Look, I would love to help you. I've sort of got more important things to do here, but... no, no, definitely don't do the "boo" version. It's sort of frowned upon. Okay? Got to go.

King Richard:
No "boo" version. Good to know.

Isabella:
I thought we might discuss terms, avoid unnecessary bloodshed.

Madalena:
Well, I kind of am here for the unnecessary bloodshed.

Isabella:
The rules of war dictate that...

Madalena:
God, you're going to be lame about this, aren't you? Fine. Here are my terms: complete surrender, hand over your castle, your gold, your jewels, your livestock...

Isabella:
I think that's a bit extreme.

Madalena:
Not done. All the men of fighting age will be conscripted into our army. Oh, and I want all the children to put their toys in a pile, then I'm going to light it on fire.

[giggling]

Madalena:
Yay! I'm having fun after all!

Jester:
[walking through the Valencian camp] Flag of Truce! Nothing to worry about! Guaranteed safe passage! Super poor form to kill us!

Isabella:
Will you stop it? You're making us look like tools.

Jester:
We *are* tools. Tools that will be used to make the Valencian swords dull with murder!

[pause]

Jester:
Sorry. When I'm nervous, my jokes get kind of weird.

Madalena:
I'm ready to do whatever I need to join the Dark, Dark Evil Wa...

[Wormwood turns around, a knife in his hand and a baby under his arm]

Chester Wormwood:
Excellent!

Madalena:
Oh, God, no! Sorry. That's beyond even me.

[beat]

Madalena:
Oh, fine, give it here.

Chester Wormwood:
No, no, it's all right. I'm just babysitting for one of the kitchen staff. I was cutting up a peach for the little chap.

Roberta:
Richard, you're not a fighter, and I love you too much to watch you die. And you will die. Horribly. Mutilated. Crying blood.

King Richard:
[scoffs] Okay.

Roberta:
Having soiled yourself with people trying to cut off your head. People pointing and laughing, gloating on the battlefield. It's going to be hideous.

King Richard:
[slowing losing his confidence] Okay.

Roberta:
It can be fun. But not for you.

King Richard:
Got it.

Roberta:
I can't be part of that. It'll destroy me.

King Richard:
My darling, you worry too much. I'll be fine. Yes, perhaps a bit less confident after your very charmingly graphic description... but believe me, I'll be fine.

[the heroes lead an army of zombies]

Galavant:
They're basically useless, aren't they?

Sid:
Yeah, pretty much. Although I have noticed they are quite drawn to you, sir. Maybe it's 'cause you were briefly dead.

Galavant:
Oh, yes. And why is that, Sid? Why was I briefly dead?

Sid:
I told you how bad I feel about that! Are you ever gonna let it go?

Galavant:
Oh, you mean like when you let go of the sword and it flew through the air, sticking into my chest, temporarily killing me?

Sid:
So I'll take that as a "no" then.

King Richard:
Wow, Valencia. Seems like just yesterday I was the worst tyrant this land has ever seen. Life is weird!

Galavant:
Yeah, cuckoo-bananas.

Isabella:
We'll be fine. I'm sure we can't defeat the Valencians with my cousin's toy army but terms of surrender are always offered before a battle. Easy peasy pudding and pie.

Jester:
We're gonna pudding and die!

Madalena:
The prophecy says, "He who pulls the sword from the stump will unite the kingdoms under his glorious rule." Prophecies are never wrong! That's just science.

[Wormwood brandishes a knife that he was using to cut a peach]

Chester Wormwood:
I think with these powers, you'll definitely win the war. And I think you'll find the D'DEW folks are a fun group of people to be with!

Madalena:
So is there like a ceremony or something?

Chester Wormwood:
No, you just sign a contract for your immortal soul. Uh, where did I put it?

[Wormwood hands Madalena the knife and looks for the contract]

Chester Wormwood:
Ah, here. If you...

[Madalena squeals as she slices open her palm]

Chester Wormwood:
No, no, no! You don't have to sign in blood. I just gave you the knife to hold. A quill's fine! Yes, but points for enthusiasm though.

[Madalena removes her crown and approaches Isabella with rage in her eyes]

Jester:
Yes! Catfight!

Gareth:
Finally! I've been waiting two seasons for this!

[singing]

Madalena:
I don't like you!

Isabella:
I really don't like you!

Madalena, Isabella:
You really, really, really, really crossed the line! And soon your castle and your ass'll be mine! I don't like you!

Chester Wormwood:
Not only am I the most respected wedding planner in the land, I'm also a practitioner of the dark arts. A master of the D'DEW.

Madalena:
What's that?

Barry:
Dark Dark Evil Way. The D'DEW.

Chester Wormwood:
Shut up, Barry!... What he said is right.

Gareth:
Why do you call it the "D'DEW?" Wouldn't it be simpler just to say "the DEW?"

Madalena:
Good one.

Chester Wormwood:
No, no, no. The way isn't just dark... it's *dark, dark.*

Chester Wormwood:
D'DEW is the most powerful force to ever exist. With it, you can control events, bend them to your will, turn everything to your favor... It's also helped me with my stubborn tummy fat.

[rapping]

Madalena:
I'm thinner, cooler, clearly much crueler. And check out the bling - I'm your kingdom's new ruler!

Gareth:
Boom!

Madalena:
Got a jeweler to pimp out your crown.

Isabella:
The serf may be up, but I'm taking you down.

Jester:
Ooh, yeah!

Isabella:
Enough pleasantry. You're queen presently, but, hon, you're just one of the peasantry! Kosher as bacon and fakin' the funk. You'll just have to deal.

Madalena:
Oh, I'll deal with you, punk!

King Richard:
Well, if you'll excuse us, my girlfriend and I are gonna go inside and, um... have brunch.

[as they walk into the castle, Roberta excitedly turns back to Sid and Galavant]

Roberta:
We're not having brunch.

Galavant:
Ohhh. Kill me.

Galavant:
I'm gonna fail! I'm gonna fail. And Isabella's gonna die thinking I don't love her. Which isn't true. I love her to the very fiber of my being. She'll never know.

[singing a blatant spoof of Summer Lovin' from Grease]

King Richard:
Soon we found our groove.

Roberta:
Still, he kept on trying.

King Richard:
Super hot!

Roberta:
It was sad, but sweet.

King Richard:
Then I made my move.

Roberta:
When he finished crying.

King Richard:
Swept her...

Roberta:
Dropped me.

King Richard:
Off her feet!

King Richard, Roberta:
Finally!

King Richard:
We were gettin' jiggy!

King Richard, Roberta:
Finally!

Roberta:
His word not mine.

King Richard, Roberta:
Finally! It only took three bottles of wine!

Galavant:
I came back from the dead for love.

Galavant:
Saddle up. It's time for battle.

King Richard:
And I am ready for war. Not just to sit in a comfy chair and watch up on a hill while eating cucumber sandwiches - oh, that was delightful. No, I am actually ready to stand next to you and fight.

Galavant:
Sounds like you found your manhood, Richard.

King Richard:
Bobbie found it. A bunch of times, if you know what I'm saying. Huh?

Galavant:
Unfortunately I do.

[Richard smacks Galavant's shoulder]

King Richard:
Ow! That's really... thick armor.

Galavant:
Mother always said she never knew when I was joking. Oh, I *hate* it when mother is right!

[Richard looks around the Valencian throne room]

King Richard:
Strange being in this room again. Seems like a lifetime ago I sat on that throne. So much has changed. Oh, if I ever got the chance to be a king again, I would do things so differently.

[singing]

Isabella:
It's a dark season, and it's been all along. A grim season - there's no point in pretending!

Gareth:
For some reason, we're still singing this song.

Madalena:
But this time, with a d'doozy of an ending!

[Madalena's eyes flash bright red]

Gareth:
What just happened?

Madalena:
What?

Gareth:
I thought...

Madalena:
Oh, look! A squirrel!

[singing]

Isabella:
I'm smarter, tougher, my biceps are buffer. You're clever? Whatever. I'm clever enough-er.

Madalena:
Except as a kisser. I've heard you're the worst!

Isabella:
I still got the guy.

Madalena:
But I had him first.

Isabella:
That's not all you've had, now, is it? The whole feudal system has paid you a visit!

Madalena:
Yet it's you who's now royally screwed.

Isabella:
You think so, ho?

Madalena:
I know so, prude!

King Richard:
You have always been my most loyal friend, Gareth. I know you're not a hugger, but if you were, I would wrap myself around you like a leather jacket made of love.

Gareth:
Xanax?

Chef:
So much Xanax.

Galavant:
We were gonna live in a cottage by the sea. We were gonna make love, plant a garden, have children. I was gonna sing songs of your beauty.

Madalena:
Oh, Gal, that sounds awful. Look around! I live in a castle! And you know what I've learned about myself? I really like stuff. I mean, why would I give all this up to get fat and pregnant and grow my own food?

Madalena:
I have a plan that will allow me to remain as queen, and you will be well-taken care of as my... special companion.

Galavant:
Your boy-toy, you mean? Is that how you see me? Hmm? As some well-groomed, ruggedly-handsome yet oddly delicate-featured plaything?

Madalena:
Yeah.

King Richard:
Why do I continually allow people to treat me this way? Oh, come on. Forget I'm your king and talk to me like your friend.

Gareth:
All right. You keep acting like a prat, you need to be more of a geezer. You know, I've tried to tell you time and time again, but you don't turn your ear!

King Richard:
Oh, Gareth. I can't understand a word you say.

Isabella:
Queen Madalena, you have the jewel and you have Galavant, you must release my parents.

Madalena:
Must I?

Isabella:
Yes, you have to.

Madalena:
Have I?

Isabella:
Yes.

Madalena:
Really?

Isabella:
Why are you just repeating everything I say as a question?

Madalena:
Am I just repeating everything you say as a question?

Isabella:
You don't hear it?

Isabella:
I had a deal with King Richard.

Madalena:
My dear girl, I am not King Richard. But I will enjoy killing the girl who tried to eat my leftover man mutton.

Isabella:
I thought you were dead!

Galavant:
You mean, because you betrayed me, you thought they would hang me? Because you betrayed me?

Sid:
Oh, trust me, sir, I have been guilting the crap out of her down here!

Madalena:
Gareth, cut her face and torture the rest.

Gareth:
Excuse me?

Madalena:
I said torture them. Is there a problem?

Gareth:
No, there's not a problem. I like torturing, I'm pretty good at it. I once kept a guy alive for a week and he was just a head and a finger. But that order came from the king, and I serve my king.

Madalena:
Your king is weak, Gareth, you know this. He cries like a baby and cares like a woman, makes decoupage footstools as a hobby.

Madalena:
You're a dog, Gareth, and a dog needs a strong master. Now sic 'em.

Chef:
King Richard, may I present Xanax the magician.

Xanax:
Actually, I'm not legally allowed to call myself a magician anymore. 'Cause of the whole... thing. Think of me as a spiritual guide. I'm allowed to call myself that. Anyone can. It's meaningless.

Young Kingsley:
If I want something, I take it! And I don't want to be any king!

Queen Elizabeth:
Oh, but, Kingsley, it's your destiny! We literally named you Kingsley, God told us to. It's not like we were being trendy.

Young Kingsley:
My destiny lies beyond the castle walls, Mother. I'm going to conquer and kill and spread bastard children throughout the land like wildflower seeds! Somebody else can sit on their ass and rule.

Galavant:
Oh, God, you must feel really bad. You're babbling. You only babble when you feel *really* bad.

Isabella:
I do not babble when I feel bad.

Galavant:
I'm not saying it's a bad thing. To be honest, I've rather grown to like it. But you do babble, Princess. Princess Isababble.

Isabella:
Well, how's that for timing? Our stars are finally aligning on the same day I'm going to die.

[singing a Disney-like love song]

Galavant:
Love is... strange.

Isabella:
And sometimes kinda gross. It's embarrassingly gassy, and it leaves its dirty underwear in piles around the place. Love is rude, it has a sort of smell, and it thinks that you don't notice. And it blurts out things that make you want to smack its stupid face. And it's awkward and confusing, it annoys you half to death. Then it grins a dopey grin and you can't catch your breath.

Galavant:
Love is strange and sometimes sort of smug, and it's really, really bossy. And it messes with your head 'til you're a hopeless basket case.

Isabella:
And it's stubborn.

Galavant:
It's insulting.

Isabella:
It's obnoxious.

Galavant:
It's the worst.

Galavant, Isabella:
You keep pushing it away and you fall in head first. Love is strange!

Isabella:
And often pretty drunk

Galavant:
It looks different without makeup.

Galavant, Isabella:
And it's nothing like the fairytales you grow up dreaming of.

Galavant:
Love is weird.

Isabella:
Love is dumb.

Galavant, Isabella:
Love is strange, and that's what makes it love.

[singing a Beatles-like song]

Xanax:
Close your eyes, open your mind, your journey's about to begin. Relax your karma and try not to barf as the universe starts to spin. Hocus pocus, expialidocious, set your aura free. Petrificus totalus, drink deeply from the chalice. Tell us what you see.

Isabella:
You want to know what I think? I think you're in a dungeon wondering if the woman that put you there loves you. And the real question is, why do you still love her? I mean, yes, she's beautiful, in a perfect-skin, perfect-body, perfect-hair kind of way, if you're into that sort of thing.

Galavant:
Mmm.

Isabella:
I know you, Galavant. I know your heart, and you deserve better. You deserve to be with someone who will lift you up as a man. Someone who will fight with you, not against you. Maybe someone who's small and cute and... ethnically hard to pin down.

Galavant:
[hesitates] What you're saying is, you don't think she loves me?

Galavant:
Madalena, I've got something to say and I've come a really, really long way to say it.

[sappy music swells and she realizes he's about to burst into song]

Madalena:
Oh, no.

Galavant:
[singing] I want you, I need you, you cut me and I bleed you! You're like some kind of sonnet, all I want to do is read you. And I love you.

Madalena:
I know.

Galavant:
I mean I love you.

Madalena:
Yes, thanks.

Galavant:
I said I love you.

Madalena:
You did.

Galavant:
And now don't you wanna tell me something too?

[the music switches to a tango]

Madalena:
I love you!... as much as someone like me can love anyone.

Galavant:
Huh?

Madalena:
I mean I love how we make people stare, we're quite the stunning pair.

Galavant:
In other words you love me?

Madalena:
As much as someone like me can love anyone.

Madalena:
I love how when we hit the hay, it's more than just okay.

Galavant:
Right!

Madalena:
I'd absolutely say more like middling to fair.

Galavant:
Yeah! Wait, what?

Madalena:
Dance with me! Can't you see how freakin' gorgeous we look? Can't you feel the frantic beat of our hearts as our various parts rub with such delicious friction?

[King Richard hovers over Galavant to awaken him]

King Richard:
Galavant, wake up! I have incredible news!

Galavant:
Ooof. Is that news that you misplaced your toothbrush?

King Richard:
You know how today we're heading into The Land of the Giants to offer them the Jewel of Valencia in exchange for joining our quest to save Princess Isabella?

Galavant:
Yes, we discussed it last night in great detail. There's no need for your clunky exposition.

King Richard:
I admit I'm on a bit of an unlucky streak, but I am destined for great things. You'll see.

Galavant:
You have about as much chance of great things as that *lizard* does of breathing fire.

King Richard:
It's a dragon, and it can breathe fire. Show him, Tad Cooper! Show him! Come on.

[Richard holds up a docile lizard in his hand which does nothing]

Galavant:
The perfect pair. A dragon that isn't a dragon and a king that isn't a king.

King Richard:
Galavant may not believe in you but I do. I super-believe in you, Tad Cooper.

[singing to a lizard]

King Richard:
Hey little fella, I know just what you're thinkin'. Nobody gets you or sees what you could be. But pluck up your courage and turn that frown up - soon we will eat this entire town up, then they'll believe in my dragon pal and me! That's right, little fella, we'll leave those doubters blinkin'. We're gonna show 'em a thing or two or three. Imagine the wonder that we'll inspire when we are setting their heads on fire! Then we'll be even, my dragon pal and me!

King Richard:
I must warn you, I have a dragon.

Wormwood:
My plan is working to perfection.

Barry:
It appears so, sir. Once Isabella becomes queen, you'll be the most powerful man in all of Hortensia.

Wormwood:
No, not... The *wedding* plan, you twit! Do you think I'd discuss the *evil* plan so publicly?

Barry:
This is why I thought we agreed to call one the "plan" and the other the "plot" to avoid these kind of mix-ups.

Chester Wormwood:
We have a serious issue to discuss. We've had most of the RSVP's except a Princess Jubilee. I need to know if she's coming.

King of Valencia:
Just mark her as a "yes" and order the steak. I'm not paying, so I don't care.

Chester Wormwood:
Barry, go on. Tell them the mirror idea.

[monotone]

Barry:
He's going to hand-draw each guest's name and table number on a fancy mirror.

Chester Wormwood:
Way to undersell it, Barry. It's a master stroke! It's both functional and a work of art, and it'll all be for naught if the guest list isn't finalized!

[Richard announces he has traded the Jewel of Valencia for a "dragon" - which is actually a small lizard]

King Richard:
Can you believe it? Imagine how our foes will run in terror! Well, I mean, once he grows a little. I'm going to call him Tad Cooper. A name that evokes strength and valor and bravery. What do you think?

Galavant:
I think you're a complete idiot, and you're taking it back. Now.

King Richard:
[crestfallen] But no, I... I can't. I pinky swore and said "no backsies."

Sid:
There's something I need to say, but before I do, have you ever heard of The Bro Code?

Gareth:
Is that a black thing?

Roberta:
What the hell's going on? You desert me at camp, I spend the whole day tracking you only to find you're about to join a battle between... two groups of very similar five-foot, ten-inch men.

Galavant:
He lost the Jewel of Valencia!

King Richard:
He doesn't believe in my dragon!

Roberta:
Wait, what? Dragon?

[Richard pulls Tad Cooper from his satchel]

Roberta:
I'm sorry, that's not a lizard?

King Richard:
Don't. Not you too.

Roberta:
These guys seem really serious about killing each other. Don't you see how ridiculous this is? Do you really wanna die in a battle this ludicrous?

Galavant:
If it gets me a shot at Richard, yes!

King Richard:
Ditto, big boy! Let's go to war!

[singing]

Roberta:
Listen people, there's no need to fight. Holy freakin' cow, you're the same *damn* height! Dwarf or giant, both will die tonight. There must be a way I can make things right.

Sid:
Look, don't fall in love with the queen, she's bad news! Think about her last three relationships, they ended in betrayal, exile and murder. She will rip your heart out, and I don't mean symbolically!

Gareth:
Yeah, you're right. But she's so *skinny*, *mean*, it just blinded me.

Gareth:
Thanks for having my back.

Sid:
Hey, that's what friends are for.

Gareth:
Friends? You think we're friends?

Sid:
Well, I'm a little worried that if I give you the wrong answer you'll kill me right where I sit but... Yeah, I've come to consider you a friend.

[Gareth raises his stein]

Gareth:
Oh, to friends then!

Isabella:
My wedding planner asked me to find out why you haven't RSVP'd to my fabulous wedding.

Princess Jubilee:
And why would I wanna do that?

Isabella:
Because it's a wedding and we're princesses.

[Princess Jubilee and her minions burst into laughter]

Princess Jubilee:
Oh honey, wake up and smell my unshaved armpit.

[singing a rock song]

Princess Jubilee:
I like to live fast, make noise, swap spit with both girls and boys. I like to start fights, make a big mess. But this is one damsel who ain't in distress! I'm a different kind of princess, don'tcha think? I don't wear glitter and I don't like pink. I'm a different kind of princess. Got no gown, but that ain't stoppin' anyone from bowin' down!

King Richard:
I'm gonna kill me a giant.

Galavant:
Bring it... you dwarf!

Roberta:
You've been so busy arguing this whole journey that you can't see that you actually need each other.

Galavant:
Huh, please! I do not need him.

Roberta:
What's been your sole purpose this entire time, huh?

Galavant:
I'm trying to rouse an army to rescue Isabella.

Roberta:
Hmmm. And how many men have you got to join your quest? One.

King Richard:
You got someone to join you? Who is it, do I know him?

Galavant:
You, Richard. She's talking about you.

Galavant:
I'm sorry, I've been using so many horrible words to describe you that I've forgotten the one that describes you best.

King Richard:
Musky?

Galavant:
Loyal.

King Richard:
Do you believe that Tad Cooper is *actually* a dragon?

Galavant:
I believe you believe he is.

Sid:
My queen.

Madalena:
Oh, don't you "my queen" me. I'm bad news, am I?

Sid:
You told her what I said.

Gareth:
Only that little bit.

Madalena:
I'll rip his heart out and you don't mean symbolically.

Gareth:
Okay, I told her the whole thing.

Madalena:
I'm more "shrew" than woman.

Gareth:
And I made some stuff up.

Sid:
What about The Bro Code?

Gareth:
I know! But I'm starting to really like her and she's super-pretty. We just started talking and - I think you better run!

Isabella:
I believe I have a wedding planner to see. And better believe it... his ass belongs to me!

King Richard:
You know how today we're heading into the land of the Giants to offer them the Jewel of Valencia in exchange for joining our quest to save Princess Isabella?

Galavant:
Yes, we discussed it last night in great detail. There's no need for your clunky exposition.

King Richard:
Well, I have managed to trade the jewel for something even better than an army.

Galavant:
You traded the jewel?

King Richard:
Yep. For a dragon!

[Richard brings out the "dragon" - which is actually a small iguana]

King Richard:
Can you believe it? Imagine how our foes will run in terror! Well, I mean, once he grows a little. I'm going to call him Tad Cooper, a name that evokes strength and valor and bravery. What do you think?

Galavant:
I think you're a complete idiot, and you're taking it back. Now.

King Richard:
[crestfallen] But... no, I can't. I pinky swore and said, "No backsies."

[singing]

Jester:
Our season ends right there with questions everywhere, like will the princess waste her whole life waiting? Will Gareth and the Queen rule the entire scene? Will all this singing kill our Neilsen Ratings? Sid, the peasants, the entire crew, will they be back for season 2? Who knows! But if there are more shows, then off our hero goes, and so the legend grows, a legend known as Galavant!

Galavant:
Goodnight. Unless you wanna get a drink.

King Richard:
Oh, that's an interesting proposition. A little guy time between frenemies burnt by the same flame. Bros before hos, all that.

King Richard:
Gareth, why do you always have to poop on the party?

Gareth:
Maybe because you've got to fight me to the death in the morning. Or maybe that your brother has decided that I'm gonna be his champion and for the first time ever, you've decided to fight one of your own battles, and your whole kingdom's at stake. Does that ring any bells?

King Richard:
Oh, are you worried about me, Gare-bear?

Gareth:
Don't call me that!

King Richard:
Well, I'm so sorry if I upset you the night before you probably kill me!

[King Richard tells Galavant that he's never slept with Queen Madelena]

Galavant:
Are we talking about the same Madelena?

King Richard:
Yes!

Galavant:
But you were married. You didn't... insist?

King Richard:
I'm not an animal! I mean, sure, I'll kidnap a woman and force her to marry me, but after that I'm all about a woman's rights. I'm a modern thirteenth century man.

[singing]

Galavant, King Richard:
Oh! We're off on a secret mission! We've got us a secret plan!

Galavant:
We're going to go and slay your bro.

King Richard:
As quietly as we can.

Galavant, King Richard:
We'll sneak up and then surprise him before he has time to think!

King Richard:
We're off on our way!

Galavant:
But first, another drink!

Galavant:
[drunk] Hi, pretty Izzy! Oh, you're so pretty. But not just your face, your brain! It's like your beautiful brain exploded all over your face.

Galavant:
You wanna kill him in the head or do you wanna kill him in the neck?

Kingsley:
Gareth, I assume you like women? If you fight for me, I will give you land, a title and as many women as you desire. What's your type?

Gareth:
Either really fat or really skinny, nothing in between.

Gareth:
I've told you your whole life to grow a pair and you just won't listen. And now you're gonna die for it. Even though I'm the one who's gonna kill you, it's not my fault! It's not my fault! I warned you!

[Gareth locks the King in a dungeon cell and storms away]

King Richard:
I know you did, my friend.

Galavant:
[Doubled over, gasping for breath] I'm out of shape. That was a long song.

Galavant:
Princess, can we stop the horses? Yours looks so much softer.

Isabella:
Oh! What is wrong with you? All you've done since we left is complain. You're supposed to be a bloody hero.

Galavant:
And I've got every intention of being one, Princess. I'm gonna save Madalena. I'm gonna get your kingdom back. [Smugly] There's gonna be some pretty legendary heroing happening around here pretty damn soon. [He licks his finger and holds it up briefly] It's gonna be dark soon. And this road is gonna be filled with bad guys who'd like nothing more than to have their way with your tight brown body.

Isabella:
[Highly insulted] How dare you?

Galavant:
I was talking to Sid.

Gareth:
Well... I just think... And I say this very respectfully, sire. You've gotta *man* up. You've gotta *butch* up for her a little bit.

King Richard:
Me?

Gareth:
Yeah.

King Richard:
I'm sorry, Gareth. I am Mr. Butch! [Looking down at himself] Oh, poop. I got gravy on my tummy flowers. [Straightens up as realization dawns] Oh my God, you're right.

King Richard:
Holy cow! This is your room? [Breathing deeply] What's that smell?

Gareth:
Testosterone.

King Richard:
[Sniffs again] Mmmm. Musky.

Jean Hamm:
[Facing Galavant, Sid and the Princess] If it isn't Galavant. Long time, no see, old friend. Nice beard. [Gestures to the Princess as Galavant preens] Talking about *her*, of course, but the facial hair is nice as well. [Galavant stands proudly as the comment sails over his head]

King Richard:
[singing] You're frigid and demanding. I shudder at your call.

Madalena:
Whenever you come near me, my flesh begins to crawl.

King Richard, Madalena:
But sometimes there are moments I'm not repelled at all. Maybe you're not the worst thing ever.

Isabella:
You're utterly disgusting. I loath your manly stink.

Galavant:
I see your mouth start moving and, God, I need a drink.

Galavant, Isabella:
And then from out of nowhere, I'll look at you and think, maybe you're not the worst thing ever.

[Galavant awakens, disoriented]

Isabella:
You've been screaming like a castrated hyena for the past ten minutes.

Galavant:
My pants are on. My pants are definitely on.

[singing]

Galavant:
I ride to save my one true love.

Sid:
Though she ripped your heart in two.

Galavant:
Not true.

Sid:
Pretty true.

Isabella:
Very true.

Galavant:
To destroy the king she was forced to wed.

Isabella:
More like *chose* to wed.

Galavant:
Not true.

Isabella:
Kinda true.

Sid:
Gotta say, sorta true.

Galavant:
I say we find a tavern and hunker down for the night.

Isabella:
And how do you plan on paying for anything, hmmm? We have a priceless jewel we can't spend and a six foot hero we can't eat.

King Richard:
Never start a marriage with a kidnapping.

[King Richard tries to hug Gareth]

Gareth:
Hey! I've only ever hugged one man in my entire life, that was the day my father died... I squeezed that rotten bastard to death.

King Richard:
Right, we'll hug later. Good talk.

[Princess Isabella prepares to train Galavant at sword fighting]

Isabella:
My father is a man's man who never got a male heir, so from time to time, I humored him and let him treat me as one.

Galavant:
I'm afraid of what happens the next time I get knocked down.

Isabella:
Any man can get knocked down. The hero is the man who gets back up.

Galavant:
I feel like I'm back to my old self again. King Dick's not gonna know what hit him.

Sid:
So are we keeping the rooster or eating the rooster? 'Cause I'm not naming him if we're eating him.

King Richard:
I love watching you eat. I'm rather finicky myself but you, you don't think about it, you just *eat*.

Madalena:
I had a pet goat growing up, Jenny.

King Richard:
Awww.

Madalena:
When I was eight, my parents ran out of food so they made me go outside and kill her.

King Richard:
Hmmm?

Madalena:
I had to skin Jenny, cook Jenny and eat Jenny. After that, I guess I just tried not to think too much about what I was eating anymore. And, well... I made damn well sure I wouldn't be in a position where I'd have to eat my favorite pet again.

King Richard:
I have a question. How can you be a hero if you're not wearing any pants?

King Richard:
There was a moment tonight. It was a fleeting moment, but I saw it. You realized you could grow to love me.

Madalena:
Oh, would you please stop putting me in this position? Don't make me always have to be the bad guy.

King Richard:
Well, I, for one, am willing to put in the work in this relationship. You'll see. I'm going to wear you down. You're going to grow to love me, just like Pearl did.

Madalena:
[sighs] You're unlovable, Richard. Pearl only loved you because your parents paid her to.

[Richard looks crushed]

Madalena:
I told you not to make me the bad guy.

Jean Hamm:
I can tell you want to bail. I'll give you five seconds to bail.

Galavant:
I don't want to bail.

Jean Hamm:
I do.

Galavant:
You do?

Jean Hamm:
Oh, yes. I want to bail your mama out of jail when she gets arrested for prostitution!

Galavant:
[sighs] You know what, Jean? It's... it's 1256.

Jean Hamm:
Mmm?

Galavant:
The "your mama" jokes... they're getting really old.

Jean Hamm:
Hmm, so is your mama.

Galavant:
Seriously, Jean. It's getting really worn out.

Jean Hamm:
So is...

Galavant:
Don't.

Jean Hamm:
...your mama!

Sid:
Could he be mostly dead? But not all dead, 'cause mostly dead is still slightly alive?

Neo:
Yeah, that's not a thing.

[singing]

Sid:
Goodbye.

Galavant:
Sid!

Sid:
Sorry that I made you die.

Galavant:
Yeah, that's not okay.

Madalena:
Yeah, I'm here, I'm not sure why.

Galavant:
Me, either. Seriously, who invited you?

King Richard:
Hold me 'cause I'm going to cry...

Galavant:
No.

King Richard:
...my...

Galavant:
Please.

King Richard:
...Gal...

Galavant:
Don't.

King Richard:
...pal!

Roberta:
Goodbye.

Galavant:
Roberta!

Roberta:
Seems as though we just said "hi".

Galavant:
Yeah, well, we did. Who's this?

Random Guy:
I am just some random guy!

Galavant:
What happened? I just ran out of friends?

Wormwood:
Oh, Gareth, you're smiling!

[pause]

Wormwood:
Sorry, could you stop it? I just find it deeply unsettling.

Isabella:
Guards, open the armory. Show me Hortensia's weapons of war.

[guards open the doors... revealing a room full of wooden swords, stick horses, and stuffed animals]

Isabella:
This is it? These are all toys!

Prince Harry:
Yeah. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to put an 11-year old in charge of designing the army.

King of Valencia:
[breaks a piece off a pick-axe] Mmm. Chocolate.

Gareth:
Soldiers of Valencia! I love you! There it is! It's out in the open! I said it for the first time in my life! What do you think about that?

Soldiers:
We love you, too, sir!

Madalena:
And I appreciate that, soldiers! And, yes, I too am starting to feel the same way! But this is all new to me, you know? I've never felt this way before, and now there's all this pressure to move forward, forward, forward!

[soldiers all march forward three paces]

Gareth:
It's important that you feel comfortable, soldiers! So maybe we should slow it down a bit! We got something special and I don't want to ruin it!

Madalena:
[smiles] That's good to hear.

[clears her throat]

Madalena:
At least I imagine it is! For the soldiers!

[Galavant has been pronounced dead]

King Richard:
I just can't believe he's dead!

Roberta:
It does seem awfully early in the season for something like this.

[Galavant spies on Isabella from the afterlife; she's unaware he's dead]

Isabella:
I sure don't need that jackass who completely broke my heart, and like he said to me, that schmuck can go die in a fart!

Galavant:
I didn't say that. I've never made a fart joke in my life!

[Galavant is dead]

Roberta:
Perhaps it's time to let him go.

King Richard:
No. I'm not ready.

Roberta:
You must.

King Richard:
He's all I have!

Roberta:
That's not true. You've got me.

King Richard:
I do?

Roberta:
Richard, you're the reason I came on this journey to begin with. It's always been you. I guess what I'm trying to say is when all's said and done, I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy - over a dead body - asking him to like her.

[Jester runs around the room with his arms stretched, pretending to be an airplane]

Isabella:
We just got a "Save the Date" from Wormwood.

King of Valencia:
Shhh! We're playing a new game, it's called "Guess the Future." And who cares? The wedding's been called off anyway.

Isabella:
It's not for a wedding, it's for a war! Wormwood is in Valencia and they plan to invade us on Sunday, January 31st at 8 p.m. Eastern. Set your DVR!

King of Valencia:
DVR? What does that even mean?

Isabella:
Just trying to play the "Guess the Future" game.

[singing]

Ensemble:
Goodbye.

Galavant:
Stop singing!

Ensemble:
Now it's time to say goodbye.

Galavant:
No! I have to go back!

Death:
Wish that you could stay. You can't, though, and we both know why.

Galavant:
No! I have to tell her!

Death:
Now your big finish is nigh.

Galavant:
No, she has to know that I love her!

Death:
Time to look Death in the eye and sa-a-a-a-a-y...

[Galavant knees Death in the groin]

Galavant:
Goodbye.

[Galavant leaves]

Death:
[writhing in pain] Why do I still have these?

[Neo has just given Galavant a potion to revive him]

King Richard:
Now what?

Neo:
We wait. Personally, I'm not a man who was born with the gift of patience, so I choose to stay distracted by decluttering.

[grabs Sid]

Neo:
You're helping. Try not to stab me.

Isabella:
So um, last night a lot things were almost kind of said. We hinted at some budding feelings, sang a song, our faces got unusually close...

Galavant:
I'm really sorry. I can't talk, I'm in hero mode.

Isabella:
I don't want to marry my cousin! I mean, the age difference is so weird! Plus he's... my cousin.

Queen of Valencia:
Straight up, Isabella. Our family tree goes straight up, no branches!

Jester:
Look at them all. Galavant planning things, looking cool.

Sid:
Even the old bald guy sent that pigeon-message. That's kind of brave.

Jester:
What are we doing?

Sid:
We're just here for the jokes.

Jester:
Story of my life.

King Richard:
This is a long time coming, brother! A duel to the death! And now, like every great king to come before us, we shall choose a champion to fight in our stead while we watch from a safe distance while sloppily eating oversized turkey legs.

Isabella:
Can you explain to me why you're fighting for the man who's imprisoned us?

Galavant:
You heard the king. If I win, he frees us, and Galavant doesn't lose a duel.

King of Valencia:
Ooooh! Third-person alert.

Madalena:
Prisoners, I've called you up here to catch up my brother-in-law slash future-husband.

King Richard:
You know I can hear you, right?

Madalena:
So that's the King and Queen of Valencia. Their daughter, she annoys me. Uh, that's my ex...

Galavant:
I am Galavant, and so help me God, I will...

Kingsley:
Shut up, pretty boy.

Madalena:
My former boy-toy slash jester, he was cuter pre-dungeon. And not sure who the black kid is.

Sid:
Wow.

[Madalena prepares to lead Galavant off to a duel when she turns to Isabella]

Madalena:
You should come too. Then I can watch you watch him die. Oh look at that, I just made it fun for me again.

Gwynne:
Listen, Chef...

Chef:
Please, call me Vincenzo.

Gwynne:
I'd really rather not. If I named you, I could get attached. No point in getting attached if tomorrow we'll both be dead.

Gwynne:
These royal games have been going on for centuries, Chef. And they always end badly for the downstairs people. You go on being adorable, selling your rat-bits, pretending everything's okay. I'm gonna make my peace with God, pray for a quick death and a proper burial.

Chef:
You have a very bleak view of the world, Gwendolyn.

Gwynne:
I've had a pretty bleak life, Chef.

King Richard:
What happened to the other chef? Looked just like you, but older, more wrinkly.

Chef:
My father?

King Richard:
Right. What happened to him?

Chef:
You had him killed, sir.

King Richard:
Hmm?

Chef:
Your mutton was too rare.

King Richard:
Well, that doesn't sound like me.

Chef:
You killed his father before him. Your family has killed the last four generations of chefs in my family. It's not a great job, my king.

King Richard:
I'm such a bully!

Galavant:
[Interrupting the royal wedding] Now, Gareth and I could surely fight all night to an even draw, if that's what you want. Hell, you can even send all your men to help him, if you so desire. But I'll fend them all off. 'Cause here's the thing. I love her, Richard. She's the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of in the eve. And you can offer her great fame, and you can offer her great fortune, but Only I can offer her great love. And that is what she chooses.

Madalena:
Actually...

Galavant:
Hmm?

Madalena:
I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about it ever since he kidnapped me, and I'm gonna go with the fame and fortune.

King Richard:
Is everything all right, my princess?

Madalena:
Yes, my king.

King Richard:
[chuckles] I should think so. In a few moments, we shall marry, and you will instantly become the richest, most powerful woman in the land.

Madalena:
Yes, my king. Very exciting.

King Richard:
And then tonight, you will join me in my bed.

Madalena:
[disgusted] Yes, my king.

King Richard:
We're going to do it!

Madalena:
Yes.

King Richard:
We're not going to just sit in bed and open gifts and talk about how much fun the wedding was, okay? We're doing it.

Madalena:
Yep.

King Richard:
I mean, of course we're going to open *some* presents. But then, we're going to do it!

Madalena:
Got it.

[about Isabella]

King Richard:
She's a pretty young thing, isn't she, Gareth?

Gareth:
A bit plump for my liking.

King Richard:
Plump? The girl's a hundred pounds soaking wet.

Gareth:
I know, but I like skinny. Like, really unhealthy skinny.

King Richard:
I want you to tell him this... I feel like you should be writing this down.

Isabella:
I will remember it.

King Richard:
It's a bit long. I'd really just be more comfortable if you wrote it down.

Isabella:
I will remember it.

King of Valencia:
Like a steel trap.

Queen of Valencia:
Always had a wonderful memory, this one.

Galavant:
Sid, fetch me a drink.

[sarcastic]

Sid:
When he tells me to fetch, those are my favorite moments.

[singing]

Jester:
And so begins our plot, of which there's quite a lot, with Isabella stringing Galavant. And with the evil king prepared to do his thing, and with the Queen so pretty sure he can't. And with Gal about to start his journey, one both twisty and immensely turny... Oh, it's lot of plot, we know! But anyway, Heigh-Ho! We're off and here we go! Come back for our next show to see what's next for Galavant!

Isabella:
Sir Galavant, I have traveled long and far to seek your favor. Four months ago, my peaceful kingdom of Valencia- I'm sorry, what is that smell?

Galavant:
That'd be me.

Galavant:
Nice meeting you, door's on the wall.

[singing]

Isabella:
Where is the gallant knight who stood for truth and right, the valiant dragonslayer Galavant? Where is his steely gaze, the abs the poets praise? What ever happened to that Galavant?

Galavant:
The man you're searching for lost all he loved and more, his hope, his pride, all sense of Galavant. Add to that losing streak a couple kegs a week plus twenty pounds - ta da!

King Richard:
Now let me ask you one question. I've tried to be kind to you, have I not?

King of Valencia:
You pillaged our peaceful kingdom, killed half our army.

King Richard:
But I haven't killed you. I mean, think about it, I've killed a massive amount of people this week but I haven't killed you.

Sid:
Then I wandered into the Enchanted Forest for a drink, not knowing it was a...

King of Valencia, Gareth:
You knew.

Jester:
He knew.

Sid:
[sheepish] I knew.

King Richard:
Is the Pirate King with you? I love that guy!

Sid:
We couldn't afford him... or the leader of the giants, or Jubilee, or really anyone else recognizable.

King Richard:
[watching a tender moment between Galavant and Isabella] Someone's daughter is going to get a little whoop-whoop tonight!

King of Valencia:
What the hell is wrong with you?

King Richard:
I honestly have no idea.

Young Richard:
Enough! They cheer because I'm king, and because... they're scared, but not because of anything I do.

Young Gareth:
[to the playground] Your king had a realization! Cheer his realization!

King Richard:
You must be the Mr. Wormwood I've heard so much about.

Wormwood:
Oh! King Richard, I presume.

King Richard:
You know, when you presume, you make a pres out of you and me.

Wormwood:
[frowns] Sorry, what... what does that mean?

King Richard:
Not sure.

King Richard:
You may have killed one dragon but you've awoken another!

King Richard:
You killed my dragon!

Chester Wormwood:
Look, dude, I was there, I know. Don't keep saying it! And it wasn't a *dragon* it was a lizard.

Isabella:
I've been locked in a dungeon and jewelry box, I've been engaged to my eleven year-old cousin, I've spent the better part of two years in the same outfit. I am getting my happy ending!

King Richard:
I have a dragon!

Galavant:
Will you, Princess Isabella Maria Lucia...

Sid:
Elisabetta!

Galavant:
Elisabetta of Valencia do me the greatest honor of becoming Mrs. Gary Galavant?

Isabella:
Gary? Is that short for something?

Galavant:
No.

Isabella:
Huh! I guess I always thought your first name was Galavant.

King Richard:
Will my star ever rise? Will my life ever change? Am I destined to be achievement-free forever? I don't need all my dreams to happen. Or a bunch... or even some. Will my day ever come?

[Richard's lost in thought, singing aloud, and suddenly realizes everyone's staring at him]

King Richard:
What? I'm singing a duet with my inner child. Oh, like I give a monkey's butt what you think! A zombie army's about to break through that door, we'll be dead in minutes anyway!

[leading an army]

Sid:
Men and women of the second season, attack!

Isabella:
Remember me?

Madalena:
Oh, don't be so rhetorical!

[Richard draws his sword]

King Richard:
Care to dance?

Chester Wormwood:
Love to!

King Richard:
Excellent!

Chester Wormwood:
Let's be clear, right? When you say "dance," you mean "fight." You don't really wanna dance.

King Richard:
Correct, fight not dance. Sorry, did you wanna dance?

Chester Wormwood:
No! Really - come on, kinda weird!

King Richard:
You know, sorry, this face-off isn't going great. Would you mind terribly if we started over?

Chester Wormwood:
Yeah, sure.

[Richard re-sheathes his sword, clears his throat and speaks in a booming voice]

King Richard:
*Well, well, well!* If it isn't the soon-to-be-dead Mr. Wormwood!

Chester Wormwood:
Oh, much better!

Chester Wormwood:
So, any last words?

King Richard:
Just four. I have a dragon!

King Richard:
Listen, I need you to take care of Tad Cooper for me.

Galavant:
What?

King Richard:
There's something I need to do.

Galavant:
No, no, no! Hang on, I'm not looking after the lizard.

King Richard:
He's a *dragon*!

Gareth:
I promise you we can spend the rest of our lives together being terrible. Even if we're not as totally terrible as you want.

Madalena:
It's too late for me! I've tasted ultimate power and I want more! Gareth, I love you - more than you'll ever know - but this is who I am. I'm sorry. D'DEW!

[Madalena vanishes in a puff of smoke]

Galavant:
I don't mean to sound like a jerk, Tad Cooper, but I really thought I was gonna be the one king to unite them all.

Isabella:
If memory serves, you said something about a wedding. I mean, not that I need a wedding. I'm all about the deconstruction of the princess myth but, uh... well, it's been a long year.

[singing closing theme]

Confessional Monk:
And now we're almost done, our tale completely spun, as buffed and polished as a royal jewel. There's not much left to tell, and hey, that's just as well, unless we get one more surprise renewal. Now we'll prob'ly have to go and get work on some cheap-ass cable network! But the door is not quite shut, so if we make the cut, here's what you'll see on Galavant!

Confessional Monk:
[singing] Do you, your highness, take this male model to be your wedded sp...

Isabella:
I do!

Galavant:
Do you, good sir, take your social superior to be your wedded sp...

Galavant:
Yes. I do.

Confessional Monk:
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, through rampaging vikings and cannibal elves, through hobbits and bikers, and dolphins with lasers, and mutants, and lawyers, and...

Sid:
Oh my God, just kiss the bride!

Chester Wormwood:
Looks like they want to make a game of it. Ha! Fine by me!

[music swells; Wormwood begins to sing]

Chester Wormwood:
Do D'DEW, doo-doo...

Queen Madalena:
Please stop, we already sang that one.

Chester Wormwood:
Sorry. It's just ridiculously catchy.

Young Richard:
[singing] Do I ever become the hero? Will I wed the girl I love? Am I going to get to touch her b*obs?

[singing]

Jester:
Our hero only came to save his former flame, forced into marriage with the cruel King Richard. Sweet Madelena though, has lost her saintly glow, in fact she's tilting pretty sharply bitchward.

Isabella:
Did you know that my hometown of Valencia's famous for two things, our cabbage festival and our theatre program?

Galavant:
So worst place ever. You should have just said, "Worst place ever."

Madalena:
I'm bored, I'm leaving.

King Richard:
Oh, my wife! I know we've had our ups and downs. Why, just a few days ago you made me cry so hard I could barely breathe - tell her, Gareth.

Gareth:
Eight hours of my life I can't get back.

King Richard:
I mean, but that's our thing. That's us! I'm not giving up on us.

Madalena:
I want you to give up.

King Richard:
No.

Madalena:
Please give up.

King Richard:
You can't make me.

King Richard:
Everyone, line up! Take a free shot at the eunuch!

Sid's Mom:
We have to celebrate!

The Squire:
Oh, great. Another musical number.

Galavant:
Aren't you sugar and spice and everything nice?

Isabella:
Well, aren't you rudeness, and sarcasm and everything... Oh...

Galavant:
No, go on. You find something that rhymes with sarcasm and makes sense, and I'll take the fall tonight.

King Richard:
Hey Gareth, did you see how excited Madalena got about this party? I should have shown her my magnanimous side weeks ago! Speaking of wife, is she still locked up there banging out jokes with the Jester?

Gareth:
I suspect they're banging out a few things, yes, sir.

King Richard:
Wonderful.

Chef:
My research shows that the Valencians have religious aversions to meat and they live almost entirely off their own crops.

King Richard:
How resourceful!

Chef:
It was, my king. Unfortunately, you burned all their crops during the invasion.

King Richard:
Chef, I've killed most of your family, right?

Chef:
Wiped 'em all out, my king.

King Richard:
Excellent. Tell me, what does a person do just before they die?

Chef:
Well, my father cried.

Executioner:
A lot of them do weep, actually.

Gareth:
And they wet themselves.

King Richard:
Oh!

Executioner:
That's also true.

The Squire:
Did you hear about the knight that got off his high horse?

Galavant:
No.

The Squire:
Me neither.

[King Richard looks upon the Valencian people]

King Richard:
Really hoping for a better turnout.

King of Valencia:
This is everyone we have left.

King Richard:
100% turnout! Fantastic!

King Richard:
Valencians, who's hungry?

[everyone raises their hands]

King Richard:
Of course you are, my darlings. Now, as you know, I burnt all your crops. But what you don't know is that I saved a healthy portion for me. But if you can't have vegetables, neither shall I.

[Chef brings in a wheelbarrow filled with produce; a knight sets it on fire; the crowd gasps and screams]

King Richard:
Oh, I see it now. That was a horrible idea.

Galavant:
Do you know why I hired you, Sid?

Sid:
I assumed you'd lost a bet.

Galavant:
Everyone else filled their resumes with skills that would impress me, horseshoeing or sword-sharpening. But you were yourself, you told me who you were: a late sleeper and a lover of dolls.

Sid:
Figurines. Detailed figurines.

Galavant:
Right. So, fancy dolls.

Galavant:
It's the hardest thing in the world to find someone who's true to themselves and it's the thing I love most about you.

Sid:
Did you just say that...

Galavant:
Don't ruin this.

Sid:
I'm adopted. When I was a baby, an older couple found me on their doorstep and took me in. You know the expression, "It takes a village?"

Isabella:
No.

Galavant:
No, I don't think that's been invented yet.

[singing]

Madalena:
I like drinking Vino, preferably Pinot.

Gareth:
I prefer a keg of beer.

Madalena:
I like getting randy with whoever's handy.

Gareth:
I prefer a keg of beer.

Madalena:
Love massages, long walks and sunsets!

Gareth:
Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer!

Sid:
Guys, the rhyme scheme.

Madalena:
Frankly, you disgust me.

Gareth:
You're no picnic, trust me.

Madalena, Gareth:
Let's agree to disagree!

Sid:
Maybe you're not getting the concept.

King Richard:
I am so sick of traveling! Hey, can you get cancer from walking? Because I really feel like my feet are getting cancer.

Galavant:
I do know a thing or two about betrayal and it sucks.

King Richard:
Please, when have you ever been betrayed?

Galavant:
Uh... Okay, just off the top of my head, when you kidnapped Madalena and then she chose you over me. Or when you literally forced Isabella to betray me.

King Richard:
Right, that.

Galavant:
Yeah.

King Richard:
And... that.

[singing]

Isabella:
It was the world's best kiss and it was utter bliss, though it was moister than I thought it would be.

Galavant:
It was the world's best kiss save for the awkwardness and how we fit, which I admit, felt sort of weird to me.

Isabella, Galavant:
And in my dreams I still can taste it.

Isabella:
Slightly yeasty.

Galavant:
Oddly musty.

Isabella, Galavant:
Distance and time have not erased it. I wouldn't change a single thing.

[singing]

Isabella:
It was an awful kiss!

Galavant:
Kind of a total miss!

Isabella:
Clumsy and forced.

Galavant:
Way too much teeth.

Isabella, Galavant:
Messy and wet.

Isabella:
Far from the world's best kiss.

Galavant:
Still I can tell you this.

Isabella, Galavant:
It was a kiss I won't forget.

King Richard:
Someone woke up on the wrong side of the dirt!

Galavant:
I'm sorry, I didn't actually sleep very well. I dreamt a very upsetting musical number.

Gareth:
Move your feet, love.

[Gareth yanks up the rug from the feet of Queen Madalena's throne and storms off]

Madalena:
That's irreplaceable! I killed the family of weavers who made it!

Madalena:
I'm deluxed in my silken undies.

Gareth:
It's commando for me.

Sid:
Ewww!

[Galavant and Isabella communicate via a magical crystal ball and amulet which simulate a bad Skype connection]

Isabella:
Galavant? Can you hear me? What do I do?

Galavant:
D-die! In a fart! Brown cow!

Isabella:
What?

Chef:
Yowzas! Blunt.