George Carlin: Complaints & Grievances

George Carlin:
Here's a group of musical vermin whose mothers we wish had had a medical plan that included abortion: These singers who think they're so special they only need one name. Bono, Sting, Jewel, Tiffany, Prince. What a crock of sh*t! Get a f***ing last name, would you please? Here's a nice two word name for you; Pretentious Cocksucker! Huh, how do you like that, Bono? It's not bad enough the music sucks, but with no last name, you can't find out where these people live so you can throw a f***in' bomb through their window! It's frustrating.

George Carlin:
I drive kinda recklessly, I take a lot of chances, I never repair my vehicles, and I don't believe in traffic laws.

George Carlin:
Here's something you never hear a guy say: "Stop sucking my dick, or I'll call the police!"

George Carlin:
Guys who fly around the world in a f***in' balloon. What is this, 1850? Get a f***in' airline ticket, would you please? And when are the media going to realize that people are not interested in some rich trouser stain who's so bored he's got to fly around in a balloon all day? I hope the next guy gets hit by lightning! And flies around in little fart circles: Fffffffffffffffbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb! And lands in a sewage treatment pond. And sinks with the rest of the turds!

George Carlin:
Here's another pack of jackoffs who ought to be strangled in front of their children. People who pay for inexpensive items with a credit card. You know? Folks, take my word for this, Raisinetts is NOT a major purchase. Get some f***ing cash together. No one should be paying the bank eighteen percent interest on Tic-Tacs. And you're holding up the f***ing line, too. Some dorky looking prick with a fanny pack waiting to be approved for a bag of Cheese Doodles. I need this like I need an infected scrotum. Get some f***ing money. Next guy in front of me that pays for Newsweek with a credit card is getting stabbed in the eyes!

George Carlin:
Here's another group of mutants with missing chromosomes who ought to be thrown screaming from a helicopter. Gun enthusiasts. "Yeah, I'm a gun enthusiast." Oh yeah? Well I'm a blowj*b enthusiast. Wanna see me shoot? Cock this and I'll discharge a load for you.

George Carlin:
And speaking of mindless Hollywood cocksuckers, before Charlton Heston became President of these dickless lunatics in the NRA, they had a different guy. He's still one of their major spokesman, and his name is Wayne LaPierre. Doesn't that sound a bit fruitty to you? "Hi, I'm Wayne, I'm a gun person. Bang bang!" You know what this guy's name ought to be? Biff Webster. Spud Crowley, a man's name! Chuck Steak!

[about traffic accidents]

George Carlin:
The last thing they need, the *last* thing they need is for you to stop and get out of your car and go over to the fire, because by now, it *is* a fire, and start bothering them with a lot of *stupid* questions. "Are you hurt?" Of course they're hurt! Look at all the blood! You just *ran over* them with a ton and a half of steel!

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Didn't anyone else see this accident? Are you the only one who can provide information? Surely the people you ran over caught a glimpse of it at the last moment. So let them tell the police what happened. They were a lot closer to it then you were. There is no sense having two conflicting stories floating around about the same dumbass traffic accident

George Carlin:
If someone else is injured I wanna take a look. I am Curious George

George Carlin:
Here are more parents who outta be beaten with heavy clubs and left bleeding in the moonlight. These are the ones who carry their babies around in their backpacks or frontpacks or slings or whatever these devices are called that are apparently designed to leave the parents hands free to sort through high end merchandise and reach for their platinum credit cards cause it's always these upscale, yuppie looking, greenpeace, environmentally conscious a**holes who have them on. I say hey Mr. and Mrs. Natural Fibers [applause] I say hey Mr. and Mrs. Natural Fibers, it's not camping equipment. It's a baby. Touch the little prick now and then he'll thank you for someday.

George Carlin:
[about answering machines] When you record your outgoing message, don't bother telling me you can't come to the phone. I understand that. Apparently, that's why we have these machines.

George Carlin:
By now, everybody's supposed to know that when it comes to survival - staying alive - you know, you have to be... you can't be too picky and choosy about the company you're going to keep. You know? Sometimes you have to cooperate with some kind of unsavory people: people you don't like, people you don't trust, people you don't respect. The kind of people you might not even invite into your own home. So, for that reason, tonight I'm announcing my intention to cooperate with the United States government.

[laughter and applause]

George Carlin:
Okay? That's right. Now listen. Yeah, I'm even thinking of lending my support to Governor Bush. Good old Governor Bush. I'm hoping he does a good job. If he does, maybe we might think of electing him president in 2004, okay?

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Now, the government has asked us all to come up with suggestions and ideas that we might have to help them to fight terrorism. That'll give you an idea of how much sh*t THEY have on the shelf. Okay?

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Yeah. And like any good citizen, I'm ready with my suggestions. Now, first of all, overseas, in Afghanistan, I think you have to use the most powerful weapon you have. In this case, chemical warfare of a type never used before. And I'm talking about the Flatulent Airborne Reaction Team.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
F-A-R-T, FART. Here's what you do. You take thousands of overweight, male NFL football fans, okay? Thousands of them. We're gonna start with a nucleus of Giants fans and Jets fans. Gotta start with that nucleus.

[applause]

George Carlin:
Now, it might be necessary, it might be necessary, to include some Bills fans and Eagles fans, too, okay? This is war; you can't be choosy. And I'm also thinking about getting some of those big, fat cocksuckers who root for the teams in the NFC Central, you know? Chicago Bears fans, Green Bay Packers fans, guys who eat a lot of bratwurst. Okay?

[laughter]

George Carlin:
And all of these guys have to be over 200 pounds. What you do is for thirty days, you put them on a diet of nothing but cheese, cabbage, and beer.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Okay? That's all they get for thirty days. For many of these men, this will not be a new diet.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
You fill them up with cheese, cabbage, and beer, and you drop them into Afghanistan, where they commence chemical warfare of the highest order. You send three-man FART squads into every cave and tunnel in Afghanistan.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Just send them in there. All right? And then ya smoke them out. That's right. These good citizens will release horrendous, deadly farts. The kind of fart that could kill cancer.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
The kind of fart that comes in handy if you have something that needs welding.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
The kind of fart that if you let one go at home, thirty minutes later, your plants are all yellow.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
The kind of fart that after two or three days, you begin to realize there are no more birds in your neighborhood.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
A fart that would eat the stitching out of Levis.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Can I get away with one more fart joke here?

[applause]

George Carlin:
The kind of fart whereby the Centers for Disease Control declares your pants a level five biohazard.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Now, that takes care of overseas. All right. Now, that's overseas. On the domestic side, in this country, and before I tell you my plan for the domestic side, I want to, uh, because it does come from a kind of New York frame of mind, I want to mention my New York credentials, and they are as follows: I was born on this island, Manhattan island, therefore I was born in New York City, New York County, and New York State.

[applause]

George Carlin:
City, county, and state. And besides that, and on top of that, I was born at New York Hospital on East 63rd Street. But here's the capper, something you don't know. You know where I was conceived? Rockaway Beach.

[laughter and applause]

George Carlin:
Rockaway. That's right. In a hotel on Beach 116th Street called Curley's Hotel. 1936, so if you hear or see anything later on about New York, you'll know my credentials are in good order. Here's what you do domestically. You take Don Imus' advice, and you tell this Tommy Thompson and Tom Ridge "good try, nice going, we'll see you later." And in charge of the whole domestic thing, you put Rudolph Giuliani, an Italian from Brooklyn.

[cheers and applause]

George Carlin:
Okay?

George Carlin:
And I'm getting really sick of guys named Todd. You know? Yeah, it's just a goofy... it's a goofy f***ing name, okay? Hi, what's your name? "Todd! I'm Todd. And this is Blake and Blair and Blaine and Brent." Where are all these goofy f***ing boys' names coming from? Taylor, Tyler, Jordan, Flynn. These are not real names!

[laughter]

George Carlin:
You want to hear a real name? Eddie. Eddie is a real name. Whatever happened to Eddie? He was here a minute ago. Joey and Jackie and Bobby and Phil. Bobby and Tommy and Danny and Bill. What happened, *Todd*? And Cody, and Dylan, and Cameron, and Tucker. Hi, Tucker. I'm Todd. "Hi, Todd! I'm Tucker." F*** Tucker; Tucker sucks.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
And f*** Tucker's friend, Kyle.

[laughter and applause]

George Carlin:
You know? Yeah. There's another soft name for a boy. Kyle. Soft names make soft people. I'll bet you anything that ten times out of ten, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the sh*t out of Todd, Kyle, and Tucker.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Folks, here's something else I got a problem with: the Ten Commandments. Here's my problem. Why are there ten? You don't need ten. I think the list of commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten. It's a padded list. Here's what they did. About five thousand years ago, a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people. How to keep 'em in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments. Up on a mountain, when NO ONE was around...

[laughter]

George Carlin:
...God had given them the Ten Commandments. But let me ask you this: When they were sitting around making this sh*t up, why did they pick ten? Why ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I'll tell you why: 'cause ten sounds official.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Ten sounds important. They knew if it was eleven, people wouldn't take it seriously. Say "What, are you kidding me? The Eleven Commandments? Get the f*** out of here." But ten... ten sounds important. Ten is the basis for the decimal system. It's a decade. It's a psychologically satisfying number. The top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed. So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision. And, to me, it's clearly a bullshit list. It's a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I'm gonna show you how you could reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical. We're going to start with the first three, and I'll use the Roman Catholic version 'cause those are the ones I was taught as a little boy. "I am the Lord, thy God. Thou shalt not have strange gods before me, thou shalt not take the name of the Lord, thy God, in vain, thou shalt keep holy the Sabbath." Right off the bat, the first three - pure bullshit.

[laughter and applause]

George Carlin:
Sabbath... Sabbath day, Lord's name, strange gods. Spooky language. SPOOKY LANGUAGE!

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent, civilized human beings in the 21st Century. You throw out the first three commandments, wssst! You're down to seven. Next, honor thy father and mother. Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is obedience and respect should not be automatic, they should be earned. They should be based on the parents' performance.

[applause]

George Carlin:
Parents' performance. All right? Some parents deserve respect, most of them don't. Period. You're down to six. Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we're gonna jump around the list a little bit. Thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not bear false witness. Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior. Dishonesty, stealing and lying. So you don't need two of them. Instead, you combine them and you call it "Thou shalt not be dishonest." And suddenly, you're down to five. And as long as we're combining, I have two others that belong together. Thou shalt not commit adultery, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. Once again, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior. In this case, marital infidelity. The difference is coveting takes place in the mind, and I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife. Otherwise, what's a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot?

[laughter]

George Carlin:
But... but marital fidelity is a good idea, so we're gonna keep the idea and call this one "Thou shalt not be unfaithful". And suddenly, we're down to four. But when you think about it, honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value. So, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative, and call the whole thing "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful", and we're down to three.

[applause]

George Carlin:
Thou shalt... thou shalt... they're going away. They're going away fast. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods. This one is just plain f***ing stupid.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going. Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "O Come All Ye Faithful", you wanna get one, too! Coveting creates jobs, leave it alone. You throw out coveting, you're down to two now. The big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet, "Thou shalt not kill". Murder. The fifth commandment. But when you think about it...

[laughter]

George Carlin:
When you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.

[applause]

George Carlin:
All you have to do... sure. Uh huh. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, the Middle East, Kashmir, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folk take "Thou shalt not kill". The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable.

[applause]

George Carlin:
It's negotiable. You know? It depends. It depends. It depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed. So with all of this in mind, I leave you with my revised list of the Two Commandments. Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie...

[laughter]

George Carlin:
...and thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone. Unless, of course, they pray to a different invisible man from the one you pray to.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Two is all you need, Moses could have carried them down the hill in his f***ing pocket. And if they had a list like that, I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama putting it up on the courthouse wall, as long as they included one additional commandment, "Thou shalt keep they religion to thyself".

[applause]

George Carlin:
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, everybody! Thanks for coming out! I appreciate it! Thank you! Thank you!

George Carlin:
Here's some more people who ought to be strapped into chairs and beaten with hammers: people who wear visors. You know? Let me ask you something: what the f*** is the point in wearing half a hat? Either get a hat or don't; no one's interested in the top of your head. Go back to the store, tell them to give you the rest of the hat. They cheated you. Or better yet, get yourself one of them little Jewish hats and sew it to your visor. Then you've got yourself a full-fledged f***ing hat, my friend.

George Carlin:
Bullshit, f*** you, up yours, get laid, eat sh*t, drop dead, jack me off, suck this. I don't need parts that badly, I'm not that sick.

George Carlin:
[talking about scabs] I'll save this for Thursday. Thursday will be a good day. I only have a half-day of work on Thursday. I'll come home early. I'll masturbate in the kitchen. And then I'll watch the Montel Williams show.

George Carlin:
You come home early, you masturbate, but you do it in your sister's bedroom, just to give it a little extra thrill. You know what I mean? And then you watch the Montel Williams show. Pretty good topic: women who take it up the ass for 50 cents. Well, not the best show he's ever done. But you know something? Not bad, either.

George Carlin:
This is something I've probably told you before, I never f***ed a ten. I *never* f***ed a ten. But one night, I f***ed five twos! And I think that ought to count.