Gintama

Sakata Gintoki:
In the age of the kabuki show, the good looking man treads a fine legal line. But there are two men who still possess the fantastic hair and tight buttocks that ladies love: the mysterious beggar, Sakata Kintoki, and the number one variety show host, Ketsuago Shinpachi. Now, with a female, Chinese mafia don as their goal, they transverse the dark, stained city. The new show, Kintama, starts next week!

Shimura Shinpachi:
Hey, I'm not gonna do that kind of show!

Otose:
Hey Gintoki! Enough with the excuses! Just hurry up and pay the damned rent!

Sakata Gintoki:
I fixed your VCR the other day, didn't I? That should make us even.

Otose:
No way. This is a full month's rent we're talking about. Not only that, the VCR broke again and didn't record my show!

Sakata Gintoki:
Don't worry. I'm sure they'll show it again if it gets popular.

Otose:
I don't care about that! Just give me my money, you permanent perm!

Sakata Gintoki:
Shut it! Do you know the pain of having a permanent perm?

Otose:
Then just kill yourself!

[Gintoki accidentally hits Kagura with his scooter]

Sakata Gintoki:
D-don't worry. A-all we have to do is find a t-t-time machine...

Shimura Shinpachi:
You're the one who has to calm down!

Sakata Gintoki:
It's okay. I went to a fortune teller earlier, and she said my luck would be good on the weekend. I'm sure she's miraculously unhurt. [He turns Kagura over, and a pool of blood forms on the road - cut to Gintoki riding with Shinpachi and Kagura on the motor scooter]

Sakata Gintoki:
We have to leave this town forever! Then again, the weather girl's pretty cute.

Sakata Gintoki:
Shinpachi, you've suddenly got a lot heavier... [Kagura is holding the scooter down, preventing Gintoki from speeding away]

Kagura:
I've never seen a grown man abandon a girl being chased by the yakuza.

Sakata Gintoki:
Well, I'm a boy at heart. And besides, in this country, we don't call someone who can stop a scooter with her bare hands a girl. We call her a mountain gorilla.

Kagura:
Are you stupid? I won't die from a little scooter accident. This injury is from being shot. Look, it's already healed.

Sakata Gintoki:
Do you eat Bondo for breakfast?

Sakata Gintoki:
Listen up! My huge stash of chocolate that I've been hoarding has recently disappeared. Whoever ate it, raise your hand. If you fess up now, I'll only 3/4 of the way kill you.

Shimura Shinpachi:
Three-quarters is almost fully dead. And you should really stop this, or you're going to get diabetes.

Kagura:
[watching TV, her nose bleeds] Another embassy recently attacked. Oh this place sure is scary Popi, Momi.

Sakata Gintoki:
You're the scary one, bleeding from the nose with such a contented look. Was my chocolate tasty?

Kagura:
You don't get a nosebleed from eating chocolate.

Sakata Gintoki:
Don't dodge the question! I can smell it in your blood!

Kagura:
Don't be ridiculous. I just picked a little too hard.

Sakata Gintoki:
And why would a girl your age pick hard enough to get a nosebleed? Are you a retired cop or something?

Shimura Shinpachi:
I don't get your reasoning!

Shimura Shinpachi:
Kagura-chan, call for an ambulance.

Kagura:
Ambulance! Ambulance!

Sakata Gintoki:
He didn't mean it literally.

Sakata Gintoki:
[Shinpachi holding onto him] What the hell are you doing, Shinpachi? Let go!

Shimura Shinpachi:
[Amanto holding onto him] No way, I'm not going to be taken in by myself!

Sakata Gintoki:
Aren't you supposed to say something like "Don't worry about me, just go"?

Kagura:
[Gintoki holding onto her] Don't worry about me, just go to hell!

Sakata Gintoki:
I'm taking you with me!

Hijikata Toshiro:
Hey, wake up, Okita! How could you sleep through that blast there?

Okita Sougo:
You mean that we failed again to prevent a bombing? What are you doing, Hijikata-san? You should take this job more seriously.

Hijikata Toshiro:
Shall I put you to sleep, ingrate?

Kagura:
I'm on TV! I gotta call my folks! [she is in a photo as a suspect in the bombing]

Hijikata Toshiro:
Hey, there's no reason to run. This is your first fight in a while. Enjoy it.

Sakata Gintoki:
Hey, are you really the leader here? What are you swinging at? You're wide open.

Hijikata Toshiro:
Who're you to comment on my swordplay? I'll eat you up like the salmon you are!

Sakata Gintoki:
So be it. I can fight if it comes to it.

Hijikata Toshiro:
Don't give me that! [tries to hit him, but misses]

Hijikata Toshiro:
You're not bad. There aren't many who can dodge that strike.

Sakata Gintoki:
That was close. What would've happened if you'd hit me?

Hijikata Toshiro:
You idiot! I'm trying to hit you!

Okita Sougo:
Watch out, Hijikata. [shoots his bazooka at the duel between Gintoki and Hijikata]

Okita Sougo:
Are you alive, Hijikata-san?

Hijikata Toshiro:
You idiot, are you trying to kill me?

Okita Sougo:
Damn, missed again, huh?

Hijikata Toshiro:
Missed? What the hell do you mean, missed?

Sakata Gintoki:
Katsura, just stop this. No matter how elegant you think dying is, your death won't appease your conscience and won't change anything.

Sakata Gintoki:
Do you really intend to lose even more of your friends for something like that? I'll pass on that. As long as I'm alive, I'll live by my own rules. I'll live as I see fit and protect that which I hold dear.

Katsura Kotaro:
We could drive them off the entire earth if we had your strength, Gintoki!

Sakata Gintoki:
Good lord, what the hell are you on?

Kagura:
Gin-chan, I was playing with this and pressed the switch. [holds up the bomb]

Okita Sougo:
Hijikata-san, if we don't hurry, we're going to miss our TV drama reruns.

Hijikata Toshiro:
Crap, I forgot to set the VCR. We'd better hurry up here. Prepare to fire!

[tossing the bomb between them]

Sakata Gintoki:
Didn't you say you were good with machines?

Shimura Shinpachi:
N-no way! This is all your fault, Kagura-chan, so you should do something about this!

Kagura:
S-someone said that naturally wavy hair could stop a bomb!

Sakata Gintoki:
B-bet you could do it, Shinpachi!

Shimura Shinpachi:
I-it's too bad, but no!

Kagura:
O-over and over!

Sakata Gintoki:
R-ready for launch!

Shimura Shinpachi:
H-hot potato!

Kagura:
O-oh no! You better take it!

Sakata Gintoki:
T-thanks, but you're the bomber!

Shimura Shinpachi:
R-right back at ya!

Kagura:
Adrian!

Sakata Gintoki:
Hey, who the hell is Adrian? I mean, it's not an uncommon name, but... huh?

Sakata Gintoki:
It might be dog food... take it.

Sakata Gintoki:
[to Katsura] I love the thrill of a real fight. That's why I hate this trickery you're pulling. Our fight is over. And yet you come, time and time again, pestering me about it. What are you, my mother-in-law?

[Gintoki, Kagura, and Shinpachi are staring at each other]

Shimura Shinpachi:
[narration] Hello everyone. I'm Shimura Shinpachi. The leaves have come in since we last met, haven't they? By the way, there's actually a long story behind our glaring at each other like this.

Kagura:
[narration] All right, I'm next. Well everyone, the battle to decide the fate of the universe is finally underway! I don't know the details, but it really comes as a surprise!

Sakata Gintoki:
[narration] What the heck is this? I can hear what you're thinking! Do you hope to get sympathy by feigning insanity?

Shimura Shinpachi:
Leave me alone. This is a part of my plan.

Kagura:
Feigning insanity? How rude. I'm not feigning anything!

Sakata Gintoki:
Good lord, I'm gonna go bald myself after working for this baldly for an entire day!

Sakata Gintoki:
[to Hijikata] Oh, could it be... Oogushi-kun? Oh my, you've really grown up. Oh, and do you still have that goldfish of yours?

Okita Sougo:
[on Gintoki] He's an interesting man. I'd like to cross swords with him myself.

Kondo Isao:
Don't bother. He'd kick your ass, Sougou. He's the kind of guy who's fighting another battle far away, even as a sword swings at his throat. Fair or unfair, it doesn't matter to him.

Sakata Gintoki:
Fighting, isn't it all about protecting something? One fights to protect something, like you fought me to protect the Shinsengumi.

Hijikata Toshiro:
Protect? So what are you protecting?

Sakata Gintoki:
My honor. See ya.

Hijikata Toshiro:
[on Kondo] Right about now, he's probably either talking to some government bigwigs, or practicing his swordsmanship alone...

Kondo Isao:
[to Otae] I'm such a pitiful wreck. There's no way any woman would go for me. I'm just no good.

[Kondo sits in a pile of pumpkins, and holds up a sign]

Shimura Tae:
"I love you a pile"? What the hell does that mean?

[Kondo is wearing scuba gear, and is holding a tennis racket]

Kondo Isao:
I'm very athletic. I like tennis and scuba diving, you see...

Shimura Tae:
Decide on one, you damned degenerate!

Hijikata Toshiro:
[directing traffic] Hey you, who gave you permission to change direction? Get back here! Don't run away from me!

Okita Sougo:
Well Hijikata-san. Your reach is too short. So let me take care of this one.

Hijikata Toshiro:
Take care of it how? [Okita blows a hole in the street with his bazooka]

Okita Sougo:
Oh, you really did it this time.

Hijikata Toshiro:
What do you mean, "I did it", you invertebrate?

[as the second half of the show begins]

Sakata Gintoki:
This is Gintama, right? Hey? What? Huh? Right? If it were just Tama it'd be a flop! If I'm not in it, why is it Gintama?

Shimura Shinpachi:
Well, today's episode is called: 'Expos?! 24 hours in the lives of the out-of-control Shinsengumi!'

Sakata Gintoki:
What's up with that? I didn't hear about this!

Shimura Shinpachi:
Don't complain, Gin-san. At this rate, the Shinsengumi may actually become the main characters.

Sakata Gintoki:
Seriously? That's right, they didn't show the Gintama opening song today! That was a close call. This is Gintama! And I'm the main character! [the opening credits start]

Sakata Gintoki:
Idiot. I'm not going to run for small fry like you.

Kondo Isao:
Finally. You're late! Were you getting your hair dyed or something?

Sakata Gintoki:
A hero never dyes his hair! I needed sugar!

Kondo Isao:
I never heard of a hero who needs a sugar rush to fight.

Sakata Gintoki:
How nice... it's sunset. Duels should be fought in the evening.

Kondo Isao:
You've got a silver tongue, for a silver-headed perm boy.

Sakata Gintoki:
You're pretty articulate yourself, for a gorilla.

Kondo Isao:
O'm not a gorilla! I may look like a gorilla, but I'm not!

Kondo Isao:
You're a good man. No, you're an honorable man. Kid, lend me your bokuto.

Sakata Gintoki:
You're a good man too. Use that, my pride and joy, the Touya-ko.

Sakata Gintoki:
You're so naive, Soooo naive... to think that an enemy would give you his weapon. I fixed it earlier so that it'd break if you so much as swung it around.

Sakata Gintoki:
It would be stupid for anyone to lose anything over a matter like this. This was the best way to settle it painlessly.

Kondo Isao:
[on the ground, beaten up] This is painless?

Sakata Gintoki:
All right then. Let's go you guys...

Kagura:
[strangling Gintoki from behind] I misjudged you! I thought you were an honorable samurai!

Shimura Shinpachi:
[kicking Gintoki] Are you proud of yourself, you damn dirty cheat?

Sakata Gintoki:
Come on, I protected your sister. Don't be like...

Kagura:
I'm going home. Don't ever show your face to me again!

Shimura Shinpachi:
I'm taking a leave of absence!

Shimura Tae:
Painless, eh? Well, it looks like Gin-san's the one in the most pain, in the end...

Hijikata Toshiro:
Dueling over a woman? How dumb. What kinda idiot... eh? Commander Kondo?

Shimura Shinpachi:
The Land of the Samurai. It's been a quite a while since our country has been called that. Twenty years ago, a race called the Amantos...

Sakata Gintoki:
Gosh, enough with that stupid introduction.

Kagura:
Just stop it.

Shimura Shinpachi:
But there might be people who are just coming in...

Sakata Gintoki:
It's ok. They wouldn't get it, even with your explanation. Just let them pick it up as they go along.

Kagura:
Yeah, if they want to learn it, they'll lick it up.

Shimura Shinpachi:
Why the hell would they lick it?

Otose:
Hey, you brainless perm-boy, get out here and pay the goddamn rent!

Sakata Gintoki:
Oh all right, I guess there's nothing for it. Here ya go. Adios.

Otose:
Hey you! What the hell? 230 yen? Aren't you mistaking your rent for your milk money, you idiot?

Sakata Gintoki:
No! I don't have sh*t for cash! You know that, you thick headed ho!

Otose:
If you don't have any money, then go scam a couple of rich old ladies, you naturally-permed swindler!

Sakata Gintoki:
It's always money, money, money, money with you! Why don't you go swindle someone, you harlot hag?

Otose:
If you wanna get your ass kicked, then just say so!

Sakata Gintoki:
If you want a piece of me, I'll take you on!

Otose:
I'm serious, if you don't pay up, I'm gonna throw your worthless ass out!

Sakata Gintoki:
Shinpachi?

Shimura Shinpachi:
Yes?

Sakata Gintoki:
Do you have a girlfriend?

Shimura Shinpachi:
What's with this all of a sudden?

Sakata Gintoki:
How would you like to date an older woman. Otose, that is.

Shimura Shinpachi:
Why would I date her? Who the hell do you think I am?

Shimura Shinpachi:
Rather than worrying about an alien, we should be worrying about keeping a roof over our heads.

Sakata Gintoki:
f this country can fall over a lost pet, then it should fall.

Sakata Gintoki:
The fun's in the journey, so let's see it to the end, just like when a girl becomes a woman!

Shimura Shinpachi:
Gin-san, we searched all over just to end up in this octopus pot?

Sakata Gintoki:
Octopus like to get into pots...

Kagura:
You can't usually get put into a pot until you die.

Shimura Shinpachi:
That's an urn... but hey, Gin-san, isn't this what I suggested in the first place?

Sakata Gintoki:
No, it's way different. After all this searching, I figured we deserved a little rest.

Shimura Shinpachi:
You're just too lazy to look properly!

Kagura:
If this all there is to men, it's a wonder that any woman is ever attracted to them...

Sakata Gintoki:
Don't worry, when it comes to women and octopi, they'll eventually return to you, tails between their legs...

Kagura:
Women don't have tails.

Sakata Gintoki:
Neither do octopi!

Shimura Shinpachi:
What the hell are you guys on?

Sakata Gintoki:
Don't let it get away! Come on, harder! This pot isn't like a young woman's heart, so don't be afraid to break it!

Kagura:
If we break it, all we need is a nice man to pick up the pieces!

Hasegawa Taizou:
You squashed it?

Sakata Gintoki:
It's not dead yet. It's undead.

Hasegawa Taizou:
Who the hell wants an undead octopus?

Sakata Gintoki:
I don't care if this country falls or not. I just want to live as long as I can by divine providence!

Sakata Gintoki:
If we can't catch it, you'll have to go out with some rich old ladies and scam them out of their money, Shinpachi!

Kagura:
[on Gintoki] He doesn't pursue those who leave, and ignores those who come.

[in the middle of an earthquake]

Sakata Gintoki:
[at a bar] Did I really drink so much? My head's spinning, and everything's so blurry...

[the Shinsengami can't stop the villains due to territorial law]

Hijikata Toshiro:
Hey, what are you doing?

Okita Sougo:
[aiming for the house with his bazooka] Well, if this house no longer exists, we can go inside, right?

Hijikata Toshiro:
Who are you, Ikkyuu-san?

[a group of samurai have surrounded Gintoki]

Samurai:
Now, fair and square.

Sakata Gintoki:
Heh. Fair? Don't make me laugh.

[puts his hand on his sword... and runs away]

Samurai:
He's running! He turned tail and ran! After him!

Sakata Gintoki:
[escapes] In this modern age, sword fighting isn't the thing to do, you know. Sorry, but there's something I want to watch on TV at four.

Samurai:
We finally cornered you!

Sakata Gintoki:
What are you talking about? We LET you corner us.

Kagura:
Be thankful!

Samurai:
What the hell? Are you being a sore loser? Do you think we're idiots? You led us all around town!

Kariya:
How is that matter proceeding?

Buu:
Yes, it's going very well. Please take a look at this proposal. [hands him a thick stack of paper]

Kariya:
[reading] "The first party, henceforth referred to as the planners, shall hereby requisition"... I don't know what the hell this means! Is this some kind of legal bullshit?

Shimura Shinpachi:
Gin-san, this isn't looking good.

Sakata Gintoki:
Yeah, I know. It's not good to be reading Jump at my age.

Kagura:
That's true, the onigiri you roll taste terrible.

Shimura Shinpachi:
I don't mean either of those! I'm talking about this!

Sakata Gintoki:
Our checkbook?

Kagura:
Ha! Don't make fun of me. You can't eat a thing like that!

Sakata Gintoki:
What are you, some tantrum throwing brat who forgot to buy his Jump? Having no money is like having a sinus infection. You just have to ignore it and not pick at it, and it'll go away.

Sakata Gintoki:
The earth's rowdier than a group of five high school guys living under the same roof.

Kagura:
That's just not normal is it?

Sakata Gintoki:
Well, it happens in Jump.

[Gintoki meets a samurai wearing a hat that covers his eyes]

Sakata Gintoki:
Why are you hiding your eyes like that? Have you been up all night playing Tetris?

[in a fight, Gintoki's kimono is slashed]

Sakata Gintoki:
You ruined my best suit! My mom's gonna have my ass!

Okita Sougo:
Goodbye, vice captain. Why don't you suck on some mayonnaise in the afterlife? [shoots a bazooka at Hijikata]

Hijikata Toshiro:
Oi Sougo, just what do you think you're doing? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?

Okita Sougo:
Oh, no. It was just a joke. A joke! I'm always doing it, aren't I?

Hijikata Toshiro:
You're always trying to kill me?

Amanto:
Who the hell are you, daring to defy the sword prohibition?

Sakata Gintoki:
Blah, blah, blah, blah... quit your blabbering. Look at this! Thanks to you a**holes, my chocolate parfait fell to the ground! [hits one of the amanto with his bokuto]

Amanto:
What are you doing? Do you know who we are?

Sakata Gintoki:
You know, my doctor said that I eat too many sweets, so I can only have one of those a week! [he knocks out the Amanto]

Shimura Shinpachi:
How dare you make me your scapegoat, you bastard! My life is ruined because of you!

Sakata Gintoki:
What a nice boy you are. Have you come to return my wooden sword? That's all right. It was just a souvenir I bought on a school trip.

Shimura Shinpachi:
Shut up! I ran from the police!

[Otae beats up Shinpachi because he lost his job]

Sakata Gintoki:
[riding away on his motor scooter] Sorry, but I'm gonna watch a TV drama rerun at 4.

Sakata Gintoki:
[to Shinpachi] Was your sister raised by gorillas?

Amanto:
There's nothing you can protect! The country and these skies belong to us, the Amanto!

Sakata Gintoki:
The country? The skies? You can have them. I'm busy just protecting what's right in front of me. I don't know what'll happen to me in the future, but if something has fallen at my feet then the least I can do is pick it up.

Sakata Gintoki:
What's important to that boy is important to me, and to protect it... I'll do anything. [cracks the engine of the ship with his sword]

Shimura Shinpachi:
[about Gintoki] I wonder what lies in this man's soul. I can't really tell at all, but... though it's dim, I can see a light shining through. I think I'll stay with him and look at that light a bit longer.

Kagura:
[singing] Deer sh*t...

Kagura:
What are you doing in front of my shop, you little brats? Did someone drop some porn over there or something? Go home and suck on your Mom's teat!

Okita Sougo:
Hijikata-san, why do we have to go looking for some animal?

Hijikata Toshiro:
I don't really know, but I hear it's an order from all the way up top.

Okita Sougo:
We don't even know what it looks like, so how are we supposed to find it?

Hijikata Toshiro:
Well, we have to be thorough... [is suddenly wearing a dog collar and leash]

Hijikata Toshiro:
What the hell are you doing, Sougo?

Okita Sougo:
Presenting you to one of the top men.

Hijikata Toshiro:
What kind of sh*t are you spouting, man?

Okita Sougo:
End your sentences with "woof" if you would.

Hijikata Toshiro:
F*** you!

Sakata Gintoki:
When a woman says something's cute, a man just can't trust it.

Sakata Gintoki:
[brings Sadaharu with him] I've come to pay the rent.

Otose:
What's all this? There's probably a camera around here somewhere, isn't there?

Shimura Shinpachi:
He certainly looks cute, doesn't he...

Sakata Gintoki:
He must be a bio-weapon in the shape of a dog.

Shimura Tae:
We already have one useless, pubescent boy living here, so taking on another would be...

Shimura Shinpachi:
What do you mean, "useless"? And this is a dog!

Kagura:
[picks up Sadaharu] What do I have to do? If you'll only trust him as far as I can throw him, I can throw him as far as you want!

Hijikata Toshiro:
What should we do, Sougo?

Okita Sougo:
Well, Hijikata-san, if you'd just end your sentences with "woof", then...

Hijikata Toshiro:
No way!

Okita Sougo:
[presents the dog collar] End your sentences with "woof", Kondo-san.

Sakata Gintoki:
I thought we settled our differences when we fought the other day.

Hijikata Toshiro:
Fine! Then we'll just fight for fun this time!

Sakata Gintoki:
By learning a painful truth, a girl takes the first step towards womanhood, and a geeky fanboy will become a man.

Shimura Shinpachi:
Are you talking about me? Are you calling me a geeky fanboy? I'll never change!

Sakata Gintoki:
Thanks everyone, for supporting me all this time, but our fight will continue unto eternity!

Sakata Gintoki:
Don't think there's gonna be an extra bit after every show!

Sakata Gintoki:
Shouldn't you be at work? Trying to find someone to play with?

Hijikata Toshiro:
I'd never ask you to play with me, ever!