Girls Will Be Girls

Evie:
Coco, I've had more children pulled out of me than a burning orphanage!

Coco:
Happy people always make such a racket.

Evie:
What's wrong? Did my glass eye roll back?

Evie:
It's like stealing money for free!

Coco:
It *is* stealing money!

Evie:
Stevie, shield mommy!

Coco:
You raped me!

Dr. Benson:
Yeah... I'm sorry about that.

Coco:
Hello, I'm a rape victim here!

Michael:
You know, it's always been my dream to sleep with a big movie star.

Evie:
Well, tonight may be the night your dream comes true.

Michael:
Why, who's coming?

Varla:
Your my sister!

Coco:
Your career was on hold ever since you killed that family of four!

Evie:
It was a family of six, I only killed four! I mean, who has a picnic is their backyard anyway?

Coco:
It doesn't make sense. There's no connection. And I cry for no reason and blame myself, and I've been slowly cutting off my toe with a nail file and I have no idea why!

Stevie:
What have you ever done for me?

Evie:
Carried you to term for starters. Coco would have had you sucked out for a phone number.

Evie:
It's huge!

Evie:
Jesus, I wish someone could tell me how to just once wake up without a splitting headache!

Coco:
You could drink less.

Coco:
What do you think about the idea of having a dog in the house?

Evie:
I'm sorry, have I been staring?

Coco:
I'm thinking of getting one. I mean, let's face it, at this point I'm probably never going to have kids.

Evie:
Oh, Coco, it's not too late. [Coco smiles] I'm kidding! A dog sounds fun.

Coco:
It sounds depressing, is what it sounds. "Do you have kids?" "No, but I have a dog." "Well it's the same thing, you crazy barren old hag."

Evie:
This new roommate will cheer you right up!

Coco:
I just hope she's not too loud. Or happy. Happy people always make such a racket.

Evie:
Coco, she came by and she was a peach.

Coco:
Were you drunk?

Evie:
It was 12 noon! Of course I was drunk.

Varla:
Hello! You must be Yoo-Hoo.

Coco:
[correcting her] Coco.

Coco:
Oh, Evie, when I was at Vassar, I became ... with child. And I had ... a procedure.

Evie:
That's your big secret? An abortion?!

Coco:
Have you had one?

Evie:
Coco, I've had more children pulled out of me than a burning orphanage!

Varla:
Did you know her [Varla's mother]?

Evie:
Goodness, yes! We were ... we were always running into each other at auditions. She had such a bright future, too! We were all so shocked when she offed herself.

Coco:
Evie!

Evie:
Oh, I'm sorry, passed herself away.

Varla:
Well, they shipped me off to Arkansas right after, so ... I have so many questions. What was she like?

Coco:
Very sweet.

Evie:
Uh-huh. And a big pothead!

Coco:
Evie!

Evie:
LOVED cock!

Coco:
EVIE!

Laurent:
My apologies for being so bold but ... when I see the best, I have to have it.

Varla:
Well you know, a Maserati needs much more pampering than a Toyota.

Laurent:
This is not a problem if the Maserati will take its driver where he wants to go.

Varla:
Maseratis don't do anal!

Evie:
Oh, oops, um ... [points at Varla, trying to remember her name]

Varla:
Varla.

Evie:
Varla! This is my son ... [points at Stevie]

Stevie:
Stevie.

Evie:
Hey, maybe I'll go on a date tonight too! That guy who hit us gave me his number!

Stevie:
He had to, ma. It's the law.

Evie:
Well did he have to flirt with me while we waited for the cops?

Stevie:
He said, "Look the f*** where you're going, you drunk corpse."

Evie:
It was more in his body language!

Laurent:
See that girl at the bar? [points to a woman who is groping a man] She is a whore.

Varla:
How can you tell?

Laurent:
Whores are sexy. Know why?

Varla:
Because it's their job?

Evie:
I'm glad I could coax you over. At first I was afraid you'd think it a bit ... strange.

Jeff:
Why, cause you're so old?

Jeff:
You know Mary Tyler Moore!?

Evie:
Oh, very well! We did Night of a Thousand Stars together! Funny story: she has diabetes.

Coco:
Evie, have you ever been on morphine?

Evie:
Once, when I had my eyes done. Then every day for 10 years after that.

Stevie:
Mom, no one will hire you!

Evie:
Why not?! I mean, I admit my looks are starting to go.

Coco:
Starting to go? Evie, your looks are home and in bed.

Stevie:
I think you know.

Evie:
My attitude?

Stevie:
No.

Evie:
My drinking?

Stevie:
No.

Evie:
Chronic lateness?

Stevie:
No.

Evie:
Never learned my lines?

Stevie:
No.

Evie:
The kleptomania?

Stevie:
No.

Evie:
I spread disease?

Stevie:
No!

Evie:
Then what?!

Stevie:
That little thing where you ran over a family of four while drunk off your ass?

Evie:
It was a family of six! I only killed four. And what kind of people have a picnic in their own backyard!

Coco:
[placidly dusts framed photos, suddenly drops one] FUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!

Coco:
When that doctor walked in my fear melted like ... snow in a ... melter.

Coco:
[after her third dog dies] Oh, COME ON!

Evie:
[puts in false teeth, glass eye, and puts wig on] Hello, gorgeous!

Evie:
So I said, why am I laughing? We're doing it doggy style and your name is Barker!

Evie:
You know, they offered me that commercial for Depends. Lot of money, too! Just one little problem: I don't sh*t my pants.

Evie:
[in her movie Asteroid] Accordin' to my calculat-er, the asteroid will penetrate the ass-mosphere in 15 minutes!

Evie:
I AM woman! ERA now!

Varla:
[glancing down at beeper] Oh, fooey, I'm going to be late for my love game!

Varla:
Thank you, sir! My pimp and I appreciate your business!

Varla:
Feelings are like treasures, so bury them.