Glee

[repeated line]

Sue Sylvester:
Hey buddy.

Sue Sylvester:
Sandy, how is it that you manage to sneak into this school without setting off all of the fire alarms?

Emma Pillsbury:
At what age are you allowed to look back on your life with nothing but regret. Is 32 too young?

Will Schuester:
We're only gonna do songs by neglected artists! [the members looks confused] Because it's a night of... neglect.

Rachel Berry:
Can you define what you mean by 'neglected artists'?

Will Schuester:
Eh... Someone whose brilliance isn't always appreciated.

Rachel Berry:
Oh, so you mean like me?

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
I say we blow this thing up into the arcade.

Finn Hudson:
No, no! Screw that! These people paid to see us sing. What's that saying, 'the show must go all over the place', or something.

Rachel Berry:
You mean 'the show must go on'.

Finn Hudson:
Yeah.

Sandy Ryerson:
You just got poked. Poked by the dagger.

Sue Sylvester:
This is what we call a total disaster ladies. I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits. That's the smell of failure and it's stinking up my office. I'm revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester.

Finn Hudson:
Do you see anyone else in here with a plate of "I'm Sorry" cookies? I don't. Just you.

Principal Figgins:
I need those parents happy! They found out we've been serving the children prison food.

Josh Groban:
Now you might be thinking why would a pop star like me come over here and talk to you? Well, let me tell you something, throngs of screaming teenagers don't do it for Josh Groban. No. Josh Groban loves a blousy alcoholic.

Mrs. Schuester:
[belches] You have to forgive me, ma'am, I'm a little bit drunk and I'm afraid I'm not making good choices right now.

Dakota Stanley:
Artie you're cut. You're not trying hard enough.

Artie Abrams:
At what?

Dakota Stanley:
At walking.

Finn Hudson:
But he doesn't want us to, he just doesn't have the confidence to coach us anymore. Guys are real sensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff.

Rachel Berry:
And that's my fault?

Finn Hudson:
Do you see anyone else in here with a plate of "I'm sorry" cookies? I don't, just you.

Terri Schuester:
It's just hamburger casserole-Look-out for bones!

Mr. Schuester:
Doodle honey,You go get yourself a Sanka.

Principal Figgins:
Ah Suuuue, the dry cleaners here are just as good as the ones in Europe.

Emma Pillsbury:
They say it takes more certainty than talent to be a star. Look at John Stamos.

Ken Tanaka:
Who's Josh Groban?

Sandy Ryerson:
Who is Josh Groban? Kill Yourself! He is an angel sent from heaven to deliver Platinum Records unto us. And if he were here right now I'd club you to death with his Critics' Choice Award.

Finn Hudson:
What's wrong with you?

Dakota Stanley:
What's wrong with me is that you're freakishly tall! I feel like a woodland creature.

Sandy Ryerson:
He's here, he's here! Josh Groban is here! Front row, big brown eyes, cute as a buttermilk biscuit. I barfed.

Sue Sylvester:
Let me get this straight. The glee club got rid of Dakota Stanley, Mr Schuester's back and they're busy at work on a new number more confident than ever.

[Cut to scene of Glee Club rehearsing]

Sue Sylvester:
This is what we call a total disaster ladies. I'm going to have to ask you to smell your armpits.

Quinn Fabray, Santana Lopez:
[They look uncertainly at each other and then smell their armpits]

Sue Sylvester:
That's the smell of failure, and it's stinking up my office. I'm revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester.

[Santana runs out in tears]

Rachel Berry:
We need to have a gayvention. That's gay intervention.

Tina Cohen-Chang:
It's K-K-Kurt. He's lady fabulous.

Mercedes Jones:
Look, just because he wears nice clothes doesn't mean he's on the down low.

Rachel Berry:
He wore a corset to second period today.

Howard Bamboo:
Who is Josh Groban?

Sandy Ryerson:
Who is Josh Groban? Kill yourself! He is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records unto us. And if he were here right now, I would club you to death with his Critic's Choice Award.

Sandy Ryerson:
He's here! Josh Groban is here! He's in the front row... big brown eyes and cute as a buttermilk biscuit. I barfed!

Mercedes Jones:
Damn Kurt! This car is fly!

Kurt Hummel:
My dad got it for my sweet sixteen after I swore to stop wearing form-fitting sweaters that stop at the knee. [camera shows he is wearing one such sweater] What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

Will Schuester:
[to Mr. Pillsbury] Did you know that you are extremely racist?

Rusty Pillsbury:
Not quite.

Mike Chang:
I got an A-, Tina.

Tina Cohen-Chang:
You got an Asian F?

Mike Chang Sr.:
My grandmother in China knew three English phrases: "Coca-Cola", "'Kiss my grits" and "Harvard University." Deep in Hubei province, this old woman knew the best school in America. That's where my son belongs.

Artie Abrams:
The kid's never late, he runs like an expensive Swiss watch reproduced cheaply in China.

Shannon Beiste:
[about her crutches] I kicked a fire hydrant when I found out "Ace of Cakes" was canceled.

Will Schuester:
It's not about doing your best anymore. It's about doing better.

Finn Hudson:
Being gay isn't a handicap, Artie.

Jacob Ben Israel:
Rachel! How do you respond to rumors that you are incredibly difficult to work with?

Finn Hudson:
Well, as her boyfriend, I can answer that.

Rachel Berry:
We've been dating all summer.

Finn Hudson:
Rachel's what you would call a 'controllist'.

Rachel Berry:
I-I'm controlling, 'controllist' isn't a word.

Finn Hudson:
Oh.

Jacob Ben Israel:
Will Schuester, how do you respond to a recent post on my blog saying your Glee Club song selections sound like they come from a drag queen's iPod.

Will Schuester:
Well, I try to do something for everybody. 25 % showtunes, 25 % hip hop, 25 % classic rock...

Jacob Ben Israel:
And 100 % gay.

Jacob Ben Israel:
[to Rachel] When are you slated to make the triumph that return to the Shire?

Kurt Hummel:
Here's a message for everybody that reach your blog. Next time, instead of posting an anonymous comment online, say what you have to say to my face! [gets slushied in his face]

Azimio:
Welcome back, lady!

Kurt Hummel:
[to Jacob] I suppose there's no way that you could cut out the last part.

Will Schuester:
[in Sue's office] Wait... Are you serious? Finn?

Sue Sylvester:
My eyes are still burning.

Finn Hudson:
[in the gym] I'm Finn Hudson and I'd like to audition for the Cheerios.

Rachel Berry:
I'll never break up with you.

Finn Hudson:
Me neither.

Jesse St. James:
You guys need to stop being such asses and start being badasses.

Brittany Pierce:
[during Glist interrogation] I don't know how to turn on a computer.

Artie Abrams:
Um, excuse me. Why is she here?

Brittany Pierce:
I've been here since first period. I had a cold, and I took all my antibiotics at the same time, and now I can't remember how to leave. But I also don't know why I've only made fourth on the Glist. I've made out with, like, everyone in this school. Girls, boys, Mr. Kidney the janitor.

Artie Abrams:
[before "Can't Touch This" in library] I'm kind of getting cold feet here.

Brittany Pierce:
Can you even feel your feet?

Sue Sylvester:
[from having "Physical" video posted online] That video has received over a hundred and seventy thousand comments. I took the liberty of printing out a few

Principal Figgins:
[reading comment] The man in this video looks like the champion cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester.

Sue Sylvester:
That was particularly hurtful.

Brenda Castle:
Well, look who it is. I thought I smelled a laughing stock.

Sue Sylvester:
Don't start with me Castle, or I will kick you square in the taco

Brenda Castle, Sue Sylvester:
It's a date. That's just a typical night in the Castle condo.

[voice-over thoughts as Rachel and Will start to sing "Endless Love"]

Kurt Hummel:
I could totally sing this song with Finn, but screw him if he thinks he's taking the Diana Ross part from me.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
I love the days when I don't wear underwear. Full Commando

Finn Hudson:
I never noticed how nice Rachel's butt is. Oh, crap, I think Quinn knows I'm staring at it.

Kurt Hummel:
I don't know why I find his stupidity charming. I mean, he's cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows.

Finn Hudson:
[after excusing himself to use the bathroom but actually making a phone call] I have to go, they'll think I'm pooping.

Will Schuester:
[while singing Endless Love with Rachel] I don't like the way she's looking at me. Ah! I shouldn't have sung this song to her! Crap! She looks crazy right now.

Emma Pillsbury:
If we had to rank crush-worthy teachers at this school, you'd be number one with a bullet.

Will Schuester:
[turns to address club] Who know what a ballad is?

Brittany:
It's a male duck.

Finn Hudson:
Father was brave enough to fight in some desert thousands of miles away, and I can't even go over Dudley Road and tell the Fabrays the truth.

Kurt Hummel:
Your father didn't charge into the breach empty-handed. He had a weapon.

Finn Hudson:
You think I should bring a gun?

Finn Hudson:
I have to go. They'll think I'm pooping.

Kurt Hummel:
Are you not drinking?

Finn Hudson:
No, designated driver. What about you?

Kurt Hummel:
I'm still trying to impress Blaine. Can't get to sloppy.

Blaine Anderson:
[dances wildly in background]

Kurt Hummel:
Clearly, he doesn't have the same concern.

Blaine Anderson:
[walks up and hangs on Finn] Hey, hey, it's so cool that you and Kurt are brothers. Right? Brothers! Wow! You're so tall.

Kurt Hummel:
You having fun Blaine?

Blaine Anderson:
Yeah, it's the BEST PARTY EVER!

Finn Hudson:
Okay, Rachel, since this is your first time at this, I'm gonna break it down for you. Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk. Exhibit A: Santana, the weepy, hysterical drunk.

Santana Lopez:
[Weeping at Sam] You like her more than me. She's blonde and awesome and so smart. Admit, just admit it! No, kiss me!

Finn Hudson:
Lauren Zizes and Quinn, the angry girl drunks.

Quinn Fabray:
[Yelling at Puck] I can't believe what you did to my body! I use to have abs!

Lauren Zizes:
Who told you that hairstyle is cool? Geronimo?

Finn Hudson:
Brittany, also known as the girl who turns into a stripper drunk. Mercedes and Tina, happy girl drunks and then we come around full circle right back to you, Rachel. And right now, you're being the needy girl drunk. Hanging all over me, being overly lovey, it's not cool.

Rachel Berry:
Blaine Warbler, I'm gonna... Rock. Your. World.

Rachel Berry:
Your face tastes awesome.

Rachel Berry:
Mr. Schue? First of all that vest is very cute; you are all kinds of awesome.

Blaine Anderson:
I didn't drink that much.

Kurt Hummel:
Are you kidding? You spent the entire night sucking Rachel Berry's face. That, sir, is what we call rock bottom.

Rachel Berry:
[to Blaine] You're such a cutie pie with your blazer and your pants.

Kurt Hummel:
Bisexual is a term that gay guys in high school use when they wanna hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change.

Rachel Berry:
Thanks for helping with the party clean up, especially since you didn't even drink.

Kurt Hummel:
I was in the neighborhood.

Rachel Berry:
At 10 o'clock? Are you sure you're not here just to find out how my date with Blaine went?

Kurt Hummel:
Oh, that was tonight?

Rachel Berry:
Look, we're friends, so I'm gonna be honest with you... the date was lovely. We saw Love Story at the Revival Theater. We even dressed up as the characters.

Kurt Hummel:
[Sarcastically] That's not gay at all. Did you kiss?

Rachel Berry:
No, or lips spent the evening mouthing Ali MacGraw's dialogue. Frankly, I did expect a little snog as the date drew to a close, but I guess the timing just wasn't right.

Kurt Hummel:
Or the blood alcohol level.

Rachel Berry:
Look, I know that you have feelings for him and I'm sure you think I'm crazy for asking him out, but Blaine is obviously conflicted and if he turns out not to be gay, well then, I guess I will have done you a favor.

Kurt Hummel:
And I'm doing you a favor by telling you that Blaine is the first in a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will later turn out to be only the most flaming of homosexuals.

Rachel Berry:
Blaine and I have a lot in common.

Kurt Hummel:
A sentiment expressed by many a hag about many a gay. Look, I don't doubt that you and Blaine would have a jolly good time shopping at Burberry and arguing who would make the better Rum Tum Tugger. I don't dispute that, but there's something that you and Blaine will never have and that's chemistry.

Rachel Berry:
Fine. Then I'm gonna prove you wrong. I'm gonna take the beer goggles off and I'm gonna kiss him sober. And if the spark is still there, then I am taking you to your bakery of choice for a piping hot slice of humble pie.

Burt Hummel:
I sat through that whole Brokeback Mountain. From what I gather, something went down in the tent.

Brittany Pierce:
[after puking on Rachel at the assembly] Everybody drink responsibly.

Will Schuester:
[Drunk dialing Emma] Hey there sexy lady. There's something I really, really want to say to you. I love how you eat your lunch with your little plastic gloves and they crinkle and make the cutest sound I've ever heard in my life. Why don't you pick up some wine coolers and come over here and it'll be just one night of let's just get crazy, just get crazy ,getting' really crazy, rollin' round in the hay. Hay... I was just in some hay earlier tonight and hey, I rode a bull. I was thinking of you.

Santana Lopez:
[Talking to Mr. Schue] Oh, you're one to talk. How about you crack a Four Loko, Count Boozy Von Drunk-a-Ton?

Rachel Berry:
So you said he comes this way at 3:30?

Kurt Hummel:
Like clockwork for his post rehearsal medium drip.

Rachel Berry:
I just can't wait to lay one on him.

Kurt Hummel:
I've got a bad feeling about this Rachel. I mean, I don't mean to be so cold, but I don't want you to get hurt either. There's no victory in this for me either way.

Rachel Berry:
Who cares about you buddy, I may get a new boyfriend out of this who can keep up with me vocally and in the future give me vaguely Eurasian looking children.

Kurt Hummel:
There he is

Blaine Anderson:
[walks in to the coffee shop]

Kurt Hummel:
dreamy as ever.

Rachel Berry:
Okay, wish me luck.

Rachel Berry:
[Gets up and walks over to Blaine]

Blaine Anderson:
Hey Rachel, what's going on?

[Rachel quickly kisses Blaine. He stares at Rachel blankly]

Blaine Anderson:
Huh, yep, I'm gay. 100% gay. Thank you so much for clearing that up for me Rachel. Listen, save my space in line, will ya? I gotta go to the bathroom.

Kurt Hummel:
[Walks up to Rachel] That was hard wasn't it?

Rachel Berry:
Are you kidding? That was amazing, I'm speechless. I just had a relationship with a guy who turned out to be gay. That is songwriting gold. Okay, I have to go compose, but thank you. Thank you!

Kurt Hummel:
[Stands there watching her leave in stunned silence]

Principal Figgins:
Just listen to Key-Dollar Sign-Ha!

Will Schuester:
You mean Ke$ha?

Finn Hudson:
[interrupts in the middle of Rachel's song] Eh... Hold on! Hold on. Is this song about your headband?

Rachel Berry:
Yes. It's called "My Headband".

Finn Hudson:
Right.

Rachel Berry:
They say you should write about what you know.

Finn Hudson:
Well, it's really... interesting! But it's not... emotional. Or, like... good.

Rachel Berry:
It sucks.

Finn Hudson:
Yeah.

Rachel Berry:
Welcome! Kurt, Blaine... Wasn't expecting you guys.

Finn Hudson:
Kurt's been blackmailing me ever since he saw my browser history. Kind of insisted on coming.

Blaine Anderson:
[after being kissed by Rachel] Huh... Yep. I'm gay. 100 % gay. Thank you so much for clearing that up for me, Rachel!

Principal Figgins:
And now, performing the hit single, Tik and also Tok, by rapper Ke-dollar sign-Ha.

Rachel Berry:
Why did you bring me here? Is there a sale at Claire's?

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
I brought you here to knock some sense into you. You won't listen to me, you won't listen to Finn...

Kurt Hummel:
But you will listen to Barbra Streisand. Thanks Puck, I'll take it from here. Nice effort, but only I can lead this Barbravention.

Rachel Berry:
Is she here?

Kurt Hummel:
No, this is the mall in Ohio.

Santana Lopez:
The only straight I am is straight-up b*tch.

Santana Lopez:
I have an awesome gaydar.

Will Schuester:
[after Finn and Mike finish their song and dance number] All right, Finn! Perfect! See, guys, someone who's not afraid to point out something they're really bad at.

Finn Hudson:
But I'm getting better, right? [Will doesn't answer, neither does the other members]

Emma Pillsbury:
Being a ginger has plagued me my entire life. People say that I smell like copper, can get sunburned indoors at night, and according to recent legend I have no soul.

Santana Lopez:
[to Karofsky] Why don't you just settle down and let Auntie Tana here tell you a little story. It's about you. You're what we call a "late in life" gay. You're going to stay in the closet, get married, get drunk to have relations with your wife, have a couple kids, maybe become a state senator or a deacon, and then get caught in the men's room tapping your foot with some paige. And you know what? I accept that about you.

Brittany Pierce:
[to the camera] My name is Brittany S. Pierce and I finally know how Jesus feels in his house way up at the North Pole because I am on top of the world. Senior year was awesome and now I get to relive every minute of it. I'm Head Cheerio, Vice Rachel of the glee club and now I'm planning a Middle East-style sham election that will install me as senior class president for life.

Blaine Anderson:
Brittany, who are you talking to?

Brittany Pierce:
I thought I was doing a voiceover.

Sue Sylvester:
[to Brittany] I hold in my hand the most recent algebra test of one Becky Jackson. Our plucky little Ewok waddled her way to a respectable C plus. Your performance on the very same exam unearthed the hitherto undiscovered grade: F minus.You answered every question with 'See Other Side,' where you composed an elaborate crayon-scape entitled Happyville: The Town Where Math Was Never Invented.

Sue Sylvester:
My girls no longer see academic achievement as a worthy goal and yesterday I caught one of them trying to marry a squirrel.

Brittany Pierce:
That's because I believe in marriage equality for all land mammals.

Brittany Pierce:
[to Sue] Tough love feels a lot like mean.

Brittany Pierce:
[to Lord Tubbington] I'm not speaking to you. I know you joined a gang.

Brittany Pierce:
Sorry I'm late. Somebody took my compass.

Brittany Pierce:
I started taking Lord Tubbington's pills for feline depression.

Brittany Pierce:
After school I'm hopping into bed, eating cashews and bacon and then watching "The Client List" marathon.

Rachel Berry:
What's the crime rate like in this neighborhood? It looks a little shady.

Kurt Hummel:
It's better than Detroit and Damascus.

Rachel Berry:
New York Domino's is so much better than Lima Domino's.

Kurt Hummel:
It's the water.

Brittany Pierce:
[about to shave her hair a la Britney] Coach Sylvester's taken away my high pony. If I can't have my high pony, I don't want any hair at all.

Brittany Pierce:
[to her phone] Kiki, why is everybody staring at me?

Kiki:
[in an automated African-American accent] Because those fools are jealous.

Tina Cohen-Chang:
Who's Kiki?

Brittany Pierce:
Kiki is Siri's super-smart older cousin who's really jealous of how famous Siri's gotten. She lives inside this super cheap phone I found at the laundromat.

Brittany Pierce:
My voice is too weak to sing live. I've been up every night this week yelling at the shrubs in my yard that have been making fun of me.

Cassandra July:
[to Rachel] Maria von Trapp, Willy Loman, Shrek: Those are the roles that are appropriate for your level of sex appeal.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
[to Jake] You think you're a bad-ass? Nailing a bunch of chicks, beating up some punks in the cafeteria? I'm the original bad-ass! I had my first threesome at 7 and once I beat up a police horse.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
[to Jake] I rode my motorcycle, played my ax, I banged every chick in this place twice. And you know what? None of it made me a man. What made me a man was sitting here in this room, singing songs I hated next to the biggest collection of losers you've ever seen.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
[to Jake] I gotta get back to L.A. I got a date with the chick who was third runner-up on The Bachelor.

Principal Figgins:
I wish to address the rumor that I like to be milked like a cow because my breasts are filled with delicious, wholesome milk. That rumor is untrue.

Brittany Pierce:
I got a C minus on my U.S. History exam which the teacher bumped up two whole letter grades because I wrote in English instead of my secret language I invented in middle school.

Kurt Hummel:
The only cure to loneliness is cake.

Sue Sylvester:
You know, William, that's what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon, and when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp stamp, and tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face, and spent the next hour screaming 'sex party' into the microphones of all three major networks.

Will Schuester:
Okay, I'm pretty sure none of that happened.

Sue Sylvester:
You can expect a call very soon from my lawyer, Gloria Allred. I'm gonna sue the pants off you, Will. I'm gonna take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests. I mean, seriously, you wear more vests than the cast of Blossom. I'll see you in court.

Finn Hudson:
[pulls a US History book out of his locker] US History? I forgot I was taking that.

Will Schuester:
Who can tell me about Christopher Cross?

Brittany Pierce:
He discovered America.

Emma Pillsbury:
Did you ever notice that Britney Spears only makes great music when she's not chasing down paparazzi? She can't just swallow a grenade and let her talent explode all over the walls. She's gotta reign it in. Just like you do. You're such a great teacher, Will. Now, probably the best in the whole school. So why would you wanna be someone else when that someone you already are is so amazing?

Will Schuester:
Because the boring someone that I already am wasn't good enough for you.

Rachel Berry:
I'd like to dedicate this song to my boyfriend, Finn. I was wrong. I shouldn't try to control you. I just... I've never been this happy before, and I realize that I was trying to hold on to how you were making me feel so much that I was strangling you in my hands like a little bird. I get now that in order for this relationship to work that I have to open up my hands to fly free.

Brittany Pierce:
Finn can fly?

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
We underestimated the power of the Biebes.

Will Schuester:
Who can tell me what an Anthem is?

Brittany Pierce:
It's the bottom of an Ant's pants.

Will Schuester:
So close. So close.

Sue Sylvester:
[after Sam is finished singing] We gotta get that girl on the cheerios.

Jesse St. James:
A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that, you know if it came true, all of the hurt would go away.

Sue Sylvester:
[to Will and Bryan] I came over here to congratulate you on your new role. Local director Herb Duncan does the dry clean for the cheerios, and he let slip that you just landed the lead role in Les Mis! [Will looks overwhelmed, and Bryan lets go of his smile] Congratulations. I'm ecstatic! And the good news just keep coming, because you got a part too, Bryan. The exciting role of Townsperson. You got a line too. Right back here in the second act, you get to say... 'Hooray!' Congratulations to both of you, I can't wait for opening night!

Will Schuester:
Tina has something she wants to share with us, but first I have an announcement to make. You've all been reprieved. Bryan Ryan isn't cutting Glee. [all the members applauds]

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
Did he die?

Sam Evans:
[to Quinn] "lor menari"

[Quinn doesn't react]

Sam Evans:
It means you have pretty eyes.

[Quinn doesn't react]

Sam Evans:
Its Na'vi. The Avatar language? "Lor menari"

[Quinn rolls eyes]

Will Schuester:
What is a duet?

Brittany Pierce:
A blanket.

Santana Lopez:
How can you do a duet by yourself? Its like vocal masturbation or something.

Brittany Pierce:
I was going to order us one really, really long piece of spaghetti like in 'Lady and Tramp.' And I've been practicing nudging meatballs across the table with my nose.

Kurt Hummel:
[whispers] Psst... He's on Team Gay. No straight boy dyes his hair to look like Linda Evangelista circa 1993.

Mercedes Jones:
You're crazy, circa 2010.

Sam Evans:
I'm Sam. Sam I am. And I don't like Green Eggs and Ham.

Santana Lopez:
He has no game.

Rachel Berry:
I'm not really a nice person. I'm selfish. The fact is, I'm only really generous if there's something in it for me.

Finn Hudson:
Yeah, but I still like you.

Rachel Berry:
But you, you're so... kind, and open. Well, it's made me wanna be a better person. We have to throw the competition.

Finn Hudson:
I love Breadstix.

Rachel Berry:
No, if we wanna win at Nationals, then Sam has to win this contest. Okay? He has to feel like he belongs and the team has to believe in him.

Finn Hudson:
Wow, Rachel... I've never seen you like this. I'm kind of impressed.

Rachel Berry:
Well, like I said, you inspired me.

Finn Hudson:
But technically, you're doing this because it'll help us win Nationals, which means there's something in it for you, so it doesn't really count as you doing something nice.

Rachel Berry:
If you like, you can make a list for me also.

Finn Hudson:
I like what the song says: "All I Want for Christmas is You".

Rachel Berry:
Oh, "All I Want for Christmas is You" too. And five things on that list.

Finn Hudson:
[after Rachel leaves] Holy crap, I'm dating Kim Kardashian!

Rory Flanagan:
So, guys, my mama was gonna come visit me for the holidays, but plane tickets are expensive, so this is my first Christmas without my family. I'd like to cheer myself up. I'm dedicating this song to them. And to the King.

Kurt Hummel:
Jesus?

Will Schuester:
I was thinking we'd do one group number and one duet.

Finn Hudson:
Yeah, Rachel and I should sing a duet. We killed it last year at Regionals with "Faithfully".

Quinn Fabray:
Yeah, killed us. We lost.

Rachel Berry:
Don't use the fact that Jesse and I once had feelings for each other as an excuse for my inevitable win.

Kurt Hummel:
Correction: you had feelings for him. He made breakfast on your head.

Sue Sylvester:
[after Will smashes her trophy] You know, for me, trophies are like herpes. You try to get rid of them, but they keep coming. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent.

Quinn Fabray:
[on regrets] Thinking "Trust Me" was a sensible birth control option.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
Revenge. Fear. The merciless infliction of pain. These are my kingdoms. The first time I gave a wedgie to a kid, I was four years old.

Sue Sylvester:
[journaling about having feelings for Will] True love always springs from true hate. I'll admit, in the past I've fantasized about waking up with Will's head on the pillow next to me, except now I picture it attached to the rest of his body.

Will Schuester:
[defending Puck and Finn] It's a harmless prank.

Sue Sylvester:
That's what they said about a young man in Chicago in 1871, who thought he'd play a harmless prank on a dairy cow of one Mrs. O'Leary. He successfully ignited its flatulence and the city burned, William. That young terrorist went on to become the first gay president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.

Shelby Corcoran:
Okay, a few of my kids may have toilet papered your choir room, but these two slashed the tires on all 26 of my students' Range Rovers. Those were gifts!

Will Schuester:
Look, Puck and Finn made a mistake and - wait, you *gave* each one of your kids Range Rovers?

Shelby Corcoran:
They were presents for making it to Nationals last year. We have a very generous booster club.

Santana Lopez:
[about Will telling the students about his regrets] Besides creeping us out, why are you telling us this?

Will Schuester:
If we lose to Vocal Adrenaline at regionals, none of us are gonna regret it. We will have given it our best shot and we won't look back. But we will regret letting them get the best of us before the competition, which is why we need to hit them back just like they hit us.

Quinn Fabray:
So you want us to T.P their choir room?

Will Schuester:
Whatever the better, cooler version of that is, like, uh- maybe-maybe we should steal their school statue.

Kurt Hummel:
Their school statue is a giant, bronze of a great white shark eating a seal pup. It weighs three tons.

Finn Hudson:
Hi. Thank you. Best man... Right, uh... Well, I wanna propose a toast to my mom, who is so awesome. I mean, somehow without one in the house, you taught me what it means to be a man. In Glee Club, uh, whenever two of us got together, we got a nickname. Rachel and I are Finchel. Rachel and Puck were Puckleberry. And today, a new union was formed: Furt. [the audience laughs] You and me, man... we're brothers from another mother. And, quite frankly, no one else has shown me as much as you about what it means to be a man. And over the past few weeks, I've... some stuff's gone down, and I haven't manned up like I should have. From now on, no matter what it's gonna cost me... I've got your back. Okay? Even though it means getting a slushie in the face now and then. You put this wedding together by yourself, Kurt. So as a thank you, I had the Glee Club put together a little number in your honor. [walks to the table where Kurt sits] You're gonna dance this with me, dude.

Kurt Hummel:
[mouthing] No... [Finn starts to sing and dance to "Just The Way You Are" with backup from the rest of the Glee Club boys. Many of the guests looks moved and joins them. Finn drags Kurt off his chair, and he looks surprised as he dances with them. Rachel and Mercedes move him towards Finn. The two share a dance and then a hug]

Mercedes Jones:
How do you know for sure? You can't prove that there is no God.

Kurt Hummel:
You can't prove there isn't a magic teapot floating around the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its b*obs; but it seems pretty unlikely doesn't it?

Brittany Pierce:
Is God an evil dwarf?

Mercedes Jones:
You get to wear a fabulous hat.

Kurt Hummel:
You had me at fabulous hat.

Kurt Hummel:
I hope our genuflections to the great Spaghetti Monster in the sky don't take too long.

Finn Hudson:
It all started a week ago. I was super hungry, and my mom was gone, so I busted out the George Foreman. It wasn't making the cool grill marks it used to after I tried to use it to dry my shoes, but when it comes to grilled cheese, I'm not that fancy. And when I pulled the sandwich out, I saw the face of God... Literally. I had made a Grilled Cheesus.

Finn Hudson:
Dear Grilled Cheesus... First of all, you're super delicious. Please, Grilled Cheesus, please let us win our first football game. It would mean so much to Artie, and I think you kind of owe it to him. I mean, you sort of screw him in the leg department. And in return, Cheesy Lord, I'll make sure we honor you this week in Glee Club. [out in the football field, where the football team win the game. Artie scores the game winning touchdown. Finn takes off his helmet, kneels and throws his hands graciously in air] THANK YOU, GRILLED CHEESUS!

Finn Hudson:
Mr. Shue, I have something to say. Something happened to me, and I can't really get into it, but it's shaking me to my core.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
Oh my God, he's coming out.

Finn Hudson:
Well, yes, there is a man who's sort of recently come into my life, and that man is Jesus Christ. [Rachel looks at him with her eyes and mouth wide open]

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
That's way worse.

Mercedes Jones:
I don't see anything wrong with getting a little church up in here.

Quinn Fabray:
I agree. I've had a really hard year, and I turned to God a lot for help. I, for one, wouldn't mind saying thanks.

Santana Lopez:
Thanks for what? That it didn't come out a lizard baby?

Rachel Berry:
Finn, I'd like to give you something in exchange for what you gave me. [lets him touch her b*obs]

Finn Hudson:
[whispering] Thank you, Grilled Cheesus...

Brittany Pierce:
Now I know what Miley [Cyrus] feels like.

Quinn Fabray:
What are you doing Friday night?

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
Just the usual. Stand outside the 7-Eleven and look depressed until someone offers to buy me beer.

Kurt Hummel:
Sometimes it's hard to appreciate what a good singer you are because all I think about is shoving a sock in your mouth.

Finn Hudson:
I'm gonna say this as nice as I can, but you look like a sad clown hooker.

Sue Sylvester:
I'll need to see the set list for sectionals, after all. I want them on my desk warm from the laminator at 5pm. If it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face.

Will Schuester:
When you answer the phone, what do you say?

Mercedes Jones:
What up?

Artie Abrams:
Who this be?

Kurt Hummel:
No, she's dead. This is her son.

Brittany:
Sometimes I forget my middle name.

Sue Sylvester:
[to Santana and Brittany] Ladies, I misjudged you. You may be the two stupidest teens I've ever encountered. And that's saying something. I once taught a cheerleading seminar to a young Sarah Palin.

Brittany:
[to Santana] Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks?

Sue Sylvester:
Bringing down this club may be easier than I thought. I am engorged with venom and triumph.

Sue Sylvester:
Anything else?

Brittany:
Sometimes I forget my middle name.

Will Schuester:
What do you say when you pick up the phone?

Mercedes Jones:
What up?

Artie Abrams:
What goes on?

Kurt Hummel:
No, She's dead this is her son.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
I'm not breaking up with you, I'm just saying please stop supersizing 'cause I don't dig on fat chicks.

Quinn Fabray:
I'm pregnant!

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
And that's my fault?

Will Schuester:
Okay look Sue. If you're back let's bury the hatchet.

Sue Sylvester:
I won't be burying any hatchets William unless I happen to get a clear shot to your groin. You humiliated me.

Will Schuester:
You did this to yourself Sue. All I did was enjoy watching it happen.

Sue Sylvester:
Yeah, well enjoy this William. Now that I'm back and my position is secured I will not stop until you're fired and your little Glee Club is annihilated into oblivion.

Will Schuester:
Bring it.

Sue Sylvester:
Oh I will bring it, William. You know what else I'm gonna to bring? I'm gonna bring some Asian cookery to wipe your head with. Cause right now you've got enough product in your hair to season a wok.

Will Schuester:
Let's bury the hatchet, Sue.

Sue Sylvester:
No. I won't be burying any hatchet. Unless I get a clear shot to your groin!

Brittany:
You're a really good dancer.

Finn Hudson:
Um, thanks, but my feet weren't really moving.

Brittany:
That was the best part.

Finn Hudson:
Coach Tanaka pulled a Jessica Simpson: he lost his fiancee, gained 40 pounds and stopped showering.

Sue Sylvester:
You may be two of the stupidest teens I've ever encountered - and that's saying something. I once taught a cheerleading seminar to Sarah Palin.

Sue Sylvester:
[to Will] Oh, hey William... I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair.

[the Principle wakes up in bed after Sue spikes his drink]

Sue Sylvester:
So here's what's gonna happen. As of right now, I am reinstated. Or I will tell your wife and the entire congregation of the Cornerstone Bible Way Church of our sexual congress. It's your choice.

Rachel Berry:
[after Finn is finished singing "Hello, I Love You" in front of the rest of the group] And that, fellow Glee clubbers, is how we say 'hello'.

Brittany:
I think my cat is reading my diary.

Will Schuester:
Listen, I gotta run. I've got an appointment to show my apartment.

April Rhodes:
What's this now.

Will Schuester:
Yeah, so... I need to rent out my apartment and find a smaller place to live... uh... because I'm getting a divorce.

April Rhodes:
Divorce! So you're free to date? And by "date," I mean sleep with people, and by "sleep with," I mean have sex with people - people like me! Kidding. Not really.

Sue Sylvester:
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put in a call to the Ohio Secretary of State notifying them I will no longer be carrying photo I.D. You know why? People should know who I am.

April Rhodes:
[Over the microphone] As I live and breathe, Will Schuester? I just had a sex dream about you!

April Rhodes:
I was so jazzed about sobering up and starting a new life; I had to stop at a bar to get a drink just to calm down.

April Rhodes:
Okay, fellas, grab a gal. Or grab a another fella if that's the way the good Lord made ya. 'Cause it's a couples skate!

Geography Teacher:
What's the Capital of Ohio? Brittany!

Brittany Pierce:
"O"

Burt Hummel:
Dude you're gay.

Kurt Hummel:
Excuse me?

Burt Hummel:
You're gay. And you're not like Rock Hudson gay, you're really gay. You sing like Dianna Ross and and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory.

Will Schuester:
So, every day after choir practice, I am instituting a mandatory booty camp. So we can work on our dancing. Now, it's not for all of you, just the people that I think need help. Like...

Finn Hudson:
Finn.

Will Schuester:
How did you know?

Will Schuester:
Miss Fabray! Wait. You know, there's only one person in this world that you care about. And that's yourself.

Quinn Fabray:
You have no idea...

Will Schuester:
[hammers his hand at the table] I'M NOT FINISHED!

Becky Jackson:
Woah, woah, woah.

Will Schuester:
You're not a little girl anymore, Quinn. How long are you planning on playing the victim card? Since day one, you've done nothing but sabotage the same Glee club that's been there for you over and over again! When you got pregnant, when your parents kicked you out... You know, Mercedes even let you live in her house! And I don't recall ever hearing so much as a 'thank you'. Tonight, you're a train wreck. Well, congratulations. But you stride into my office and tell me it's MY fault? Well, then I have something to say to you... Grow up.

Quinn Fabray:
You can't be in here. It's the girls' bathroom.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
I'm always here. The stalls are cleaner.

Kurt Hummel:
I don't know if you've noticed, but no one's really looking for a Kurt Hummel type to play the opposite Kate Hudson in a rom com.

Burt Hummel:
Do you know what they call a unicorn without a horn? A freaking horse.

Quinn Fabray:
I've realized that after smoking all day, it hurts to stand.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
Turns out Napoleon? Not just a dessert. He was a real dude.

Principal Figgins:
Wipe away!

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
I. Am. In. Hell.

Brittany Pierce:
[to Kurt] The poster that you wanted gave me crippling depression.

Kurt Hummel:
I wanted something toned down!

Santana Lopez:
This is toned down. In the original, the unicorn was riding you.

Brittany Pierce:
I'm also a unicorn. Maybe a bi-corn. Either way, I'm starting to believe in my own magic.

Artie Abrams:
What's the point, Mr. Shue? Coach Sylvester's one of the judges, she's gonna crush us.

Will Schuester:
Artie, you don't know that.

Santana Lopez:
Yes, we do, she told us at Cherrio's practice.

Brittany:
Yeah, she said "I'm going to crush Glee Club."

Quinn's Mother:
I left your father. Well, I kicked him out. Turns out he was sleeping with this tattooed tramp. I want you to come home, honey. We can turn the guest room into a nursery... say something, Quinnie.

Quinn Fabray:
My water just broke.

Rachel Berry:
Break a leg.

Finn Hudson:
I love you.

Sue Sylvester:
I'm having a really difficult time hearing anything you have to say today because your hair looks like a brier patch. I keep expecting racist animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing songs about living on the bayou!

Sue Sylvester:
[to Kurt] So you like show tunes. It doesn't mean you're gay. It means you're awful.

Rachel Berry:
I'm like Tinkerbell, Finn, I need applause to live!

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
[lying in the garbage] I'm human garbage. I should just lie here until the truck comes and let it crush me to death. What's the point of living when I suck so bad? [hears Mercedes sing] Wait a second... That black chick from Glee Club used to suck, and now she's all kinds of popular. If she can straighten herself out, I certainly can. But how? I'm not becoming a cheerio. Wait... I don't need to be a cheerleader, I just need to date one! Get ready, black girl from Glee Club whose name I can't remember right now... The Puckster's about to make you his.

Sue Sylvester:
You know, there's only one person in the world who can tell you what you are.

Kurt Hummel:
[smiling] Me.

Sue Sylvester:
No. Me. Sue Sylvester. And she hasn't quite made up her mind about you.

Finn Hudson:
Hey, Santana! Why don't you just come out of the closet? You know, I think I know why you're so good at tearing everybody else down. It's because you're constantly tearing yourself down, because you can't admit to everybody that you're in love with Brittany and she might not love you back. That must hurt, not be able to admit to everyone how you really feel. You know what I think you are? A coward. See you at the mash off.

Santana Lopez:
[to Finn] Hey Tubs! Can I talk to you for a second?

Rory Flanagan:
Hey, listen here. You can't make fun of Finn anymore.

Santana Lopez:
[to Rory] Shut your potato hole, I'm here to apologize. [to Finn] Rachel's right, I haven't been fair to you. You're not fat. I should know, I slept with you. I mean, at some point I must have liked that you look like a taco addict who's had one too many back alley liposuctions.

Rory Flanagan:
Whoa.

Santana Lopez:
[to Rory] Please stick a sock in it or ship yourself back to Scotland. I'm trying to apologize to Lumps The Clown. [to Finn] I am sorry, Finn. I mean, really, I'm sorry that the New Directions are gonna get crushed by the Troubletones. And also sorry that you have no talent. Sorry that you sing like you're getting your prostate checked, and you dance like you've been asleep for years and someone just woke you up. Have fun riding on Rachel's coattails for the rest of your life, although, you know what, I would just watch out for her come holiday time if I were him, because if I were her, I'd stick a stent in one of those b*obs and let the Finn blubber light the Hanukkah lamp for eight magical nights.

Mercedes Jones:
Ladies! Vocal warm-ups can wait. I was up half the night thinking about our mash-up for the mash-off, and it came to me: Adele.

Sugar Motta:
I sound just like her.

Brittany Pierce:
I love her. I think she sounds like how banana cream pie sounds when it sings.

Santana Lopez:
You seriously think you can out-insult me? I'm from Lima Heights, I was raised on insults. It's how my abuela puts me to sleep at night, and she was not a nice lady. Did you know she tried to sell me once? And it wasn't until I got to kindergarten that I learned my name wasn't Garbage Face.

Rachel Berry:
Okay, you know what, Santana? Finn is in great shape and your meanness only highlights your own insecurities.

Santana Lopez:
Rachel, your mustache is thicker than a Middle Eastern dictator.

Brittany Pierce:
Tornadoes are nature's most destructive force. These violent storms have ravaged America, crippling communities all across our land. Isn't it time we take a stand? If you honor me with being your next class president, I will make tornadoes illegal at McKinley, keeping you and your families at our school safe from their murderous rampages. Also, on Tuesdays, uh, I pledge to go topless.

Santana Lopez:
[to Finn] What did you just say to her? [points at Rachel]

Finn Hudson:
I said I thought you were great.

Santana Lopez:
No, you're lying.

Rachel Berry:
No. He literally just said that.

Santana Lopez:
[to Finn] You told her too?

Will Schuester:
[stands up] Santana.

Santana Lopez:
[to Finn] Everyone's gonna know now, because of you.

Finn Hudson:
The whole school already knows. And you know what? They don't care.

Santana Lopez:
Not just the school, you idiot. Everyone!

Finn Hudson:
What are you talking abo... [Santana slaps Finn and there's silence]

Sue Sylvester:
Schuester! I'll need to see that set list for Sectionals after all. I want it on my desk warm from the laminator at 5:00 P.M., and if it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then, on some dark, cold night I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face.

Mercedes Jones:
You are not gonna slushie on my man Kurt.

Rachel Berry:
Why wouldn't he? He's made his choice. He doesn't care about us losers anymore.

Finn Hudson:
No, that's not true! It's just if I don't do it, the guys on the team are gonna kick the crap out of me!

Kurt Hummel:
Well we can't have that, can we? [grabs the slushie from Finn]

Finn Hudson:
What are you doing?

Kurt Hummel:
It's called taking one for the team. [Splashes himself in the face with the slushie, and pauses] Now get out of here. And take some time to think whether or not any of your friends on the football team would have done that for you.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
[to Rachel] Are you questioning my badass-ness? [rolls back shirt sleeve] Have you seen my guns?

Sue Sylvester:
I hear people say, "That's not how I define marriage". Well, to them I say, "Love knows no bounds." Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets. I, for one, think intimacy is no place in marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. So, WOOF! on Prop 15, Ohio.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
Are you questioning my badassness?

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
Rachel was a hot Jew, and the good Lord wanted me to get in her pants.

Sue Sylvester:
I hear people say "that's not how I define marriage." Well to them I say "love knows no bounds." Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets, I for one think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. So woof, I'm pro-15-Ohio. And that's how Sue... C's it.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
When I woke up I knew it was more than a dream, it was a message from God. Rachel was a hot Jew and the good Lord wanted me to get into her pants.

Kurt Hummel:
[after he Slushies himself] Someone get me to a day spa, stat! [the Glee girls rush him into the ladies' room]

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
Rachel was a hot Jew. And the good lord wanted me to get in her pants.

[Karofsky throws a slushie in Finn's face. Finn pushes Karofsky against a locker]

Finn Hudson:
What the hell, Karofsky?

Dave Karofsky:
[Karofsky pushes Finn back] Oh, I've wanted to do that ever since fifth grade when you made fun of me for getting pubes. Now that you've joined Lullaby Lees and insperminated the queen of the Chastity Ball, and dropped below us hockey dudes on the food chain? It's open season!

Quinn Fabray:
Screw you, Karofsky! You and your neanderthal puckheads are nothing!

Finn Hudson:
You're gonna pay for this, dude!

Dave Karofsky:
No I'm not. You two don't have the juice anymore. Welcome to the new world order.

Quinn Fabray:
When my mom applied to college, she put being popular as her main extracurricular activity.

Rachel Berry:
Noah, you're arms are lovely.

Principal Figgins:
Schue, I'm afraid Sue is right. You have indeed "stepped in it".

Will Schuester:
I didn't even know that this was going on.

Sue Sylvester:
Well of course you didn't Will. You wouldn't even know if your Glee Club was using your office to breed rabbit for pets or for food. You know why? You're too busy chasing tail and loading your hair was enormous amounts of product. I mean today it just looks like you put lard in it.

Mercedes Jones:
What's a "patriotic" wedgie?

Finn Hudson:
It's when they hoist you up the flagpole by your undies.

Artie Abrams:
Strangely, it did make me feel more American.

Emma Pillsbury:
Oh, my gosh. Sue? Did someone finally punch you?

Sue Sylvester:
Edie, William. You. Every year when the photos for the Thunderclap come around I always elect to have a little work done. This year I got myself a bit of an eye lift. And while they were in there, I told them to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn't using 'em.

Dave Karofsky:
Hey, how do you spell loser? I'm gonna write it on his forehead!

Becky Jackson:
I don't want to hurt your feelings coach.

Sue Sylvester:
Why? I don't have feelings, Becky.

Artie Abrams:
Wait... Why does it have to be just the men? Why can't we objectify the girls too?

Kitty Wilde:
'Cause girls are the one that buy stuff. They're responsible for the consumer-driven economy. Those Twilight books are "poop on paper" and we've turned them into a billion dollar industry!

Kurt Hummel:
Hey! I am talking to you!

Dave Karofsky:
Girls' locker room is next door.

Kurt Hummel:
What is your problem?

Dave Karofsky:
Excuse me?

Kurt Hummel:
What are you so scared of?

Dave Karofsky:
Besides you sneaking in here to peek at my junk?

Kurt Hummel:
Oh, yeah, every straight guy's nightmare that all of us gays are secretly out to molest and convert you. Well, guess what, ham hock? You're not my type!

Dave Karofsky:
That right?

Kurt Hummel:
Yeah, I don't dig on chubby boys who sweat too much and are going to be bald by the time they're thirty.

Dave Karofsky:
Do not push me, Hummel.

Kurt Hummel:
You going to hit me? Do it.

Dave Karofsky:
Don't push me!

Kurt Hummel:
Hit me, 'cause it's not going to change who I am. You can't punch the gay out of me anymore than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!

Dave Karofsky:
I said get out of my face!

Kurt Hummel:
You are nothing but a scared little boy who can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!

[Karofsky kisses Kurt]

Blaine:
Excuse me?

Dave Karofsky:
Hey, lady boys. This your boyfriend, Kurt?

Blaine:
Kurt and I would like to talk to you about something.

Dave Karofsky:
I gotta go to class.

Blaine:
Kurt told me what you did.

Dave Karofsky:
Oh yeah? What's that?

Kurt Hummel:
You kissed me.

Dave Karofsky:
I don't know what you're talking about.

Blaine:
It seems you might be a little confused, and that's totally normal. This is a... a very hard thing to come to terms with, and you should just know that you're not alone.

[Karofsky pushes Blaine against the wall]

Dave Karofsky:
Do not mess with me.

[Kurt pushes Karofsky off]

Kurt Hummel:
You have to stop this!

[Karofsky leaves]

Blaine:
Well, he's not coming out anytime soon.

Kurt Hummel:
What is your problem?

Dave Karofsky:
You talking back to me? You want a piece of The Fury?

Kurt Hummel:
The Fury?

Dave Karofsky:
That's what I named my fist.

Kurt Hummel:
Well, with that level of creativity, you could easily become assistant manager at a rendering plant.

Dave Karofsky:
I don't know what that is, but if I find out it's bad, The Fury's gonna find you.

Blaine Anderson:
Blaine Anderson: "You move me, Kurt."

Rachel Berry:
That guy did seem crazy. He swiped my credit card through his butt crack.

Blaine Anderson:
I love you.

Kurt Hummel:
[pauses before answering] I love you, too.

Sam Evans:
This is your shot, dude. If I was in love with a girl and wasn't homeless, I'd totally go for it.

Rachel Berry:
Hi. So, what's so important?

Finn Hudson:
Uh... These are for you [gives her flowers] I thought since we're both captains and all that, we should write a duet for Nationals.

Rachel Berry:
But the tie, the flowers, Central Park?

Finn Hudson:
It's, uh, a work date. Totally professional.

Rachel Berry:
Being in New York is like falling in love. Over and over again, every minute. Tonight felt like one of those awesome nights that you see in those amazing romantic comedies. All we need now is some street singers to senerade behind us to make it perfect.

Finn Hudson:
[the other boys in Glee club sings "Bella Notte" behind them] Wait... This is the moment in those romantic comedies where I kiss you.

Rachel Berry:
Where have you been?

Finn Hudson:
Hiding out. Everyone hates me.

Rachel Berry:
No, they don't. Ant that doesn't explain why you haven't said a word to me since we've been back.

Finn Hudson:
You should be more pissed at me than anyone else! I screwed up. I'm humiliated! And we worked so hard for everything, and I was supposed to be this big shot leader holding everyone together, and... I blew it. It cost us the championship.

Rachel Berry:
Look, being an artist is about expressing your true feelings in the moment, no matter what the consequences. What were your feeling in that moment?

Finn Hudson:
That I loved you. And I would've done or given anything to kiss you one more time.

Rachel Berry:
So you did. You know, you gave it all up for one kiss. Was it worth it?

Finn Hudson:
[pauses] Yeah. What about you? Was it worth it for you?

Rachel Berry:
[also pauses] Yeah. 'Cause I know in my heart we'll have another shot at Nationals. You have to know that I'm... I'm leaving, Finn. I'm going to New York and I'm never coming back.

Finn Hudson:
Graduation is a year away. You got any plans 'til then? [they kiss]

Rachel Berry:
Okay. Let's go!

Finn Hudson:
Where are we going?

Rachel Berry:
Final Glee club meeting of the year.

Kurt Hummel:
It isn't going to be easy. There are going to be days where life just sucks, but you're going to get through this cause I'm going to help you and so is everyone who loves you and accepts you for who you are.

Blaine Anderson:
Kurt, there is a moment when you say to yourself, Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you forever. [takes Kurt's hand] Watching you do "Blackbird" this week... that was a moment for me. About you. You moved me, Kurt, and this duet would just be an excuse to spend more time with you.

Quinn Fabray:
They say that you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Well, Rachel Berry... You just got yourself a new best friend.

Blaine Anderson:
[after kissing Kurt] We should practice.

Kurt Hummel:
I thought we were.

Will Schuester:
What's your favorite songs of all time?

Brittany Pierce:
"My Headband".

Rachel Berry:
Mr. Schuester, do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to give the lead solo in "Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat" to a boy in a wheelchair?

Artie Abrams:
I think Mr. Schue's using irony to enhance the performance.

Rachel Berry:
There's *nothing* ironic about show choir!

Emma Pillsbury:
Do you know who that is? That's you, Will. That's you happier than I've ever seen you.

Will Schuester:
That was the greatest moment of my life.

Emma Pillsbury:
Why?

Will Schuester:
Because I loved what I was doing. I knew before we were half-way through with it, I remember that we were gonna win. And being a part of that, in that moment, I knew who I was in the world. And the only time I felt that way since then was when Terrie told me I was gonna be a father.

Will Schuester:
No, no. I need to provide for my family.

Emma Pillsbury:
But provide what exactly? The understanding that money is the most important thing - or the idea that the only life worth living is one that you're really passionate about, Will?

Sue Sylvester:
[at cheerleading practice] You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded, *that's* hard!

Sue Sylvester:
[at cheerleading practice] You think this is hard? I'm living with Hepatitis, *that's* hard!

[final line]

Will Schuester:
From the top.

Mercedes Jones:
Oh, Hell to the no! Look, I'm not down with all this background singing nonsense. I'm Beyonc?, I ain't no Kelly Rowland!

Sue Sylvester:
Your resentment... is delicious.

Will Schuester:
I had to make a deal with Figgins so he wouldn't kill Glee Club.

Terri Schuester:
But Will, I'm on my feet four hours a day, three times a week here. Now I have to go home and cook dinner for myself?

Will Schuester:
[Rachel's sulking in the stands of the football field] You changed out of your costume.

Rachel Berry:
I'm tired of being laughed at.

Will Schuester:
You're the best kid in there, Rachel. It comes with a price.

Rachel Berry:
Look, I know I'm just a sophomore, but I can feel the clock ticking away and I don't want to leave high school with nothing to show for it.

Will Schuester:
You get great grades. You're a fantastic singer.

Rachel Berry:
Everybody hates me.

Will Schuester:
You think glee club is going to change that?

Rachel Berry:
Being great at something is going to change it. Being part of something special makes you special, right?

Puck:
What the hell, dude? I can't believe you're helping out this loser!

Finn Hudson:
Don't you get it, man? We're all losers! Everyone in this school! Hell, everyone in this town! Out of all the kids who graduate, maybe half will go to college, and two will leave the state to do it! I'm not afraid to be called a loser because I can accept that's what I am.

Finn Hudson:
Look, I owe you guys an apology. I never should have quit. I don't want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people!

Rachel Berry:
That was you?

Kurt Hummel:
You and your friends threw pee balloons at me.

Finn Hudson:
I know.

Kurt Hummel:
You nailed all my lawn furniture to my roof.

Finn Hudson:
I wasn't actually there for that, but I'm really sorry.

Sue Sylvester:
[to Emma] Your resentment is delicious.

Principal Figgins:
Sue, the dry cleaners here are just as good as the ones in Europe.

Sue Sylvester:
I have a phoner in a couple of minutes; that's an interview on the telephone, with a major media outlet. I'll probably do it on my iPhone.

Sue Sylvester:
High school is a caste system. Kids fall into certain slots. Your jocks and your popular kids up in the penthouse. The invisibles and the kids playing live-action out in the forest: bottom floor.

Will Schuester:
And... where do the Glee kids lie?

Sue Sylvester:
Subbasement.

Rachel Berry:
You might think that all of the boys in school would want to tap this, but my MySpace schedule keeps me way too busy to date.

Rachel Berry:
I won my first dance competition when I was three months old.

Quinn Fabray:
Getting ready for the tranny prom, Rachel?

Rachel Berry:
I am not homophobic. In fact, I have two gay dads. See, I was born out of love. My two dads screened potential surrogates based on beauty and IQ. Then they mixed their sperm together and used a turkey baster. To this day we don't know which one is my real dad, which I think is pretty amazing.

Tina Cohen-Chang:
We're da-da-doomed

Will Schuester:
Do you want to tell me how long you've had a drug problem?

Finn Hudson:
I don't even know who the Chronic Lady is.

Will Schuester:
Look, if it were up to me we wouldn't have mandatory bi-weekly locker checks.

Finn Hudson:
I've never seen that before Mr. Shue, I swear that's not mine, I'll pee in a cup; I'll pee...

Will Schuester:
I don't think it'll make any difference...

Rory Flanagan:
[about Brittany] She thinks I'm a leprechaun.

Finn Hudson:
Yeah. She's kind of like Rain Man with b*obs.

Finn Hudson:
Is it true?

Brittany Pierce:
No, of course not.

Finn Hudson:
You're not leaving New Directions?

Brittany Pierce:
Oh. I thought you were talking about Selena Gomez' pregnancy rumors.

Finn Hudson:
[watching the other Glee club] Oh, man. This is trouble.

Will Schuester:
Big trouble.

Sue Sylvester:
I heard. And I am literally horny with fear.

Finn Hudson:
[to Blaine] I know that you're a big deal at Dalton or whatever, but we don't wear blazers here. So have a seat, I'm trying to have a pep talk here.

Blaine Anderson:
Didn't you just say something about us not turning against each other.

Rory Flanagan:
I love everything about America. Especially NASCAR, your half-black president, and Victoria's Secret catalogs.

Rory Flanagan:
I thought America was all about different, unique people coming together and accepting one another.

Finn Hudson:
Pretty old brochure, dude.

Rory Flanagan:
Would you be my friend, Finn?

Finn Hudson:
Whoa, whoa.

Rory Flanagan:
It would be an honor.

Finn Hudson:
In America, dudes don't ask dudes to be their friends. Well, except on Facebook, but even that could take years.

Santana Lopez:
[to Rory] Here's the deal, pixie-boy. You've got a crush on my girl, Brittany. I understand. She's beautiful, she's innocent, she's everything that's good in this miserable, stinking world.

Kurt Hummel:
It will give me a great opportunity to break out my Banana Republic Mad Men outfit.

Sugar Motta:
Awesome! More back up for me.

Santana Lopez:
Ok, you know what? I did not just leave one diva-driven glee club to join another, so let me write you a reality check, richy b*tch. I've seen what you can do, and what you can do is stand in the back, sway, and sing very, very quietly.

Sugar Motta:
I, erm... I just... wanted to be on the winning team for once?

Mercedes Jones:
Then turn down the 'tude and you will be

Santana Lopez:
You are such a bacon-wrapped bug-eyed hypocrite. It's freaking hilarious how jealous of Blaine you are. Every time he opens his dreamboat a-capella mouth, you're just itching to kick him right in the Warblers.

Burt Hummel:
[to Will] Your Glee Club saved my kid's life. It turns out art can do that, ya know? Whether it's through singing or dancing or painting a freakin' picture.

Puck:
[after enduring a rival footplayer's constant "Yo Mamma" jokes] Hey! I had sex with your mom. No, really... I cleaned your pool, and then had sex with your mom on your bed - nice Star Wars sheets.

Kurt Hummel:
Dad. I have something that I want to say. I'm glad that you're proud of me. But I don't want to lie anymore. Being a part of the Glee Club and football has really shown me that I can be anything, and what I am, is, I'm gay.

Burt Hummel:
I know.

Kurt Hummel:
Really?

Burt Hummel:
I've known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels. I guess I'm not totally in love with the idea, but, if that's who you are, there's nothing I can do about it. And I love you just as much. Ok? [They hug] Thanks for telling me Kurt. [He starts to go] You sure, right?

Kurt Hummel:
Yeah Dad, I'm sure.

Burt Hummel:
I'm just checking.

Noah Puckerman:
Hey ankle grabber! I had sex with your mother. No seriously. I cleaned your pool, and then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets.

Ken Tanaka:
[after Kurt kicks a successful field goal] Can you do that with the game on the line and ten gorillas bearing down on you wanting nothing more than to taste your sweet virgin blood?

Kurt Hummel:
Mmm, sounds like fun. Can I have my music?

Ken Tanaka:
You kick like that you can wear a tutu for all I care. [Introducing him to the team] Gentleman, we have found ourselves a kicker.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
[Quinn tells him that she is pregnant] Well, call the Vatican! We got ourselves another Immaculate Conception!

Kurt Hummel:
Hello, I'm Kurt Hummel and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker.

Kendra Giardi:
Your wife is going to be pushing a watermelon out of her boy-howdy in five months! She doesn't need nice!

Kurt Hummel:
My body is like a rum chocolate souffle; if I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
[to a member of the opposing football team] Hey, ankle-grabber, I had sex with your mother. No seriously... I cleaned your pool and then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets.

Kurt Hummel:
I'm gay.

Burt Hummel:
I know. I've known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a sensible pair of heels.

Sue Sylvester:
Oh, I just thought I'd stop and say hello, buddy... Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards.

Kurt Hummel:
Hello. I'm Kurt Hummel and I will be auditioning for the role of the kicker.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
So we're taking coaching advice from Lance Bass now?... Oh I get it, we have to think more like Amazonian black women.

Kurt Hummel:
Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker.

Sue Sylvester:
I'll often yell at homeless people "Hey, hows that homelessness working out for you?" Give *not* homeless a try!

Kurt Hummel:
Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker.

Kurt Hummel:
I'm gay.

Burt Hummel:
I know.

Kurt Hummel:
Really?

Burt Hummel:
I've known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels.

Santana Lopez:
Just because i hate everybody, doesn't mean they have to hate me to.

Kurt Hummel:
I have no criticisms. Go with God, Satan... Santana.

Finn Hudson:
[to Kurt] Dude, that rocks! It's, like, gay Braveheart.

Finn Hudson:
Hey, Jesse! What did you order? Scrambled eggs? I mean, I know you usually like them served on people's heads.

Jesse St. James:
Quinn, you look stunning. The ghost of Grace Kelly. Let me know if you get tired of your boyfriend stomping on your pretty little feet all night. I'd me more than happy to cut in.

Kurt Hummel:
Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton!

Kurt Hummel:
Oh, how I've missed your insanity.

Sam Evans:
Santana told me never to speak alone with you because you would try to steal all of my gold.

Rachel Berry:
We need you Sam. And you need the music.

Sue Sylvester:
You are about to board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination: Horror!

Principal Figgins:
Sue, the directors both from the Jane Adams Academy and Haverbrook School for the Deaf have informed me you gave them the New Directions set list.

Sue Sylvester:
You have no proof.

Principal Figgins:
The set lists were on Cheerios letterhead.

Sue Sylvester:
I didn't do it.

Principal Figgins:
They say "From the Desk of Sue Sylvester'.

Sue Sylvester:
Circumstantial evidence.

Principal Figgins:
They're written in your handwriting.

Sue Sylvester:
Forgeries.

Principal Figgins:
Sue there is an orgy of evidence stacked against you!

Emma Pillsbury:
We've got a problem. They're doing all of our numbers. The kids are completely freaking out. Artie keeps ramming himself in to the wall and I think Jacob Ben Israel just wet himself.

Mercedes Jones:
I thought you and Puck were dating?

Santana Lopez:
Sex is not dating.

Brittany:
Yeah, if it was, Santana and I would be dating.

Will Schuester:
Sue! What kind of teacher are you?

Sue Sylvester:
Hey buddy! I just came by to feed my Venus flytrap!

Santana Lopez:
Look, we may still be Cheerios, but neither of us ever gave Sue the set list.

Brittany:
Well... I did. But I didn't know what she was gonna do with it.

Santana Lopez:
Okay, look... believe what you want, but no one's forcing me to be here. And if you tell anyone this, I'll deny it - but I like being in Glee Club. It's the best part of my day, okay? I wasn't gonna go and mess it up.

Rachel Berry:
I believe you.

Mercedes Jones:
Look Rachel, the truth is; you're the best singer we've got.

Kurt Hummel:
As much that it hurts me to admit it, and it does... shes right. Rachel is our star. If anyone is gonna go belted on the fly, it should be her.

Rachel Berry:
Well, I do have something that I've been working on since I was four.

Sue Sylvester:
Shuester! Well played, sir. I underestimated you. Alright, heres what happens now. Im gonna head on down to my condo in boca, brown up a bit, get myself into fighting shape - then Im gonna return to this school even more hellbent on your destruction. Get ready for the ride of your life, Will Shuester; you are about to board the Sue Sylvester express. Destination: HORROR!

Will Schuester:
I look forward to it, Sue.

Sue Sylvester:
You know, you just woke a sleeping giant. Prepare to be crushed!

Santana Lopez:
Sex is not dating.

Brittany:
If it was, Santana and I would be dating.

Sue Sylvester:
I think you will be adding revenge to the list of things you're not good at, including being married, running a high school glee club, and finding a hair style that doesn't make you look like a lesbian.

Kurt Hummel:
I say we lock Rachel up till after sectionals. I volunteer my basement.

Mercedes Jones:
We can't. We need her to sing.

Kurt Hummel:
Damn her talent.

Santana Lopez:
Sex is not dating.

Brittany Pierce:
If it were, Santana and I would be dating.

Burt Hummel:
[Having "the talk" with his son] Now for most guys sex is, just, ya know, this thing we always want to do. Ya know, its fun, feels great, but we're not really thinking too much about, ya know, how it makes us feel on the inside, or, ya know, how the other person feels about it.

Kurt Hummel:
Women are different?

Burt Hummel:
Only because they get that its about something more than just the physical. Ya know, when you're intimate with somebody, in that way, you're exposing yourself, ya know, you're never gonna be more vulnerable, and that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. Believe me, I can't tell you how many buddies I've got who have gotten way too deep with a girl who said she was cool with just hooking up.

Kurt Hummel:
But that's not going to happen to me, Dad.

Burt Hummel:
No, its gonna be worse. Because its two guys. With two guys you got two people who think that sex is just sex. Its gonna be easier to come by. And once you start doing this stuff you're not going to want to stop. Yah just... you gotta know that it means something. You know, its doing something... to you, to your heart, to your self esteem, even though it feels like... you're just having fun.

Kurt Hummel:
So you're saying I shouldn't have sex?

Burt Hummel:
I think on your 30th birthday it is a great gift to yourself. [pause] Kurt, when you're ready, I want you to be able to... do everything. But when you're ready I want you to, use it as a way to connect to another person. Don't throw yourself around, like you don't matter. 'Cause you matter, Kurt.

Kurt Hummel:
[pause] Is that it?

Burt Hummel:
That's it, for now. Can I make you some toast?

Kurt Hummel:
I think I'll take it up to my room to eat while I look over my new pamphlets [he gathers the gay sex ed. pamphlets his father has brought home] . Thank you Dad.

Burt Hummel:
You're welcome. [Kurt leaves. Burt sighs a deep sigh of relief]

Will Schuester:
Artie, you okay?

Artie Abrams:
My life is over. How am I supposed to support a baby? How could you not tell me about this?

Will Schuester:
Wait. Brittany, are you pregnant?

Brittany Pierce:
Definitely. I am so sorry, Artie. I didnt't want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when it dropped him off. I'm pretty sure it's a boy.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
Umm. Babies don't get dropped off.

Will Schuester:
Wait. Brittany have you been to a doctor yet? That's the only way to be sure.

Brittany Pierce:
I don't need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I'm not stupid. It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from.

Emma Pillsbury:
Can you please, please not tell Will about this?

Holly Holliday:
No, of course not. My lips are sealed.

Emma Pillsbury:
Thank you.

Holly Holliday:
Just like your legs. Oh. Ha! Kidding! God, that was rude, why did I say that? See, a real doctor would never have said that.

Santana Lopez:
Hey Britt-Britt. So listen. How about you and I pop in some Sweet Valley High this evening and get our cuddle on?

Brittany Pierce:
Look. I'd really like to get my sweet lady kisses on, but I haven't been feeling very sexy lately. [whispers] I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don't tell anyone, okay? Especially Artie.

Santana Lopez:
Yea, sure, your secret is safe with [cuts self off] Oh my God Brittany's pregnant.

Tina Cohen-Chang:
Oh my God Brittany's pregnant!

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
It was only a matter of time.

Lauren Zizes:
For what?

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
Brittany to get pregnant.

Lauren Zizes:
Congratulations!

Artie Abrams:
For what?

Lauren Zizes:
Oh you didn't hear? Your girlfriend's preggo! You're gonna be a baby daddy!

Santana Lopez:
Hi.

Brittany Pierce:
Hey.

Santana Lopez:
Can we talk?

Brittany Pierce:
But we never do that.

Santana Lopez:
Yea I know, but I wanted to thank you for performing that song with me in glee club. Because it's made me do a lot of thinking. And what I realized is why I'm such a b*tch all the time. I'm a b*tch because I'm angry. I'm angry because I have all of these feelings, feelings for you, that I'm afraid of dealing with because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences. And Brittany, I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can't.

Brittany Pierce:
I understand that.

Santana Lopez:
Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

Brittany Pierce:
No, not really.

Santana Lopez:
I want to be with you, but I'm afraid of the talks and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school.

Brittany Pierce:
But, honey, if anybody were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words.

Santana Lopez:
Yea, I know, but I'm so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept that I love you. I love *you*, and I don't want to be with Sam, or Finn, or any of those other guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please.

Brittany Pierce:
Of course I love you! I do! And I would totally be with you if it wasn't for Artie.

Santana Lopez:
[confused] Artie?

Brittany Pierce:
I love him, too. I don't want to hurt him, that's not right. I can't break up with him.

Santana Lopez:
Yes, you can! He's just a stupid boy!

Brittany Pierce:
But it wouldn't be right. Santana, you have to know, if Artie and I were to ever break up, and I'm lucky enough that you're still single, I'm so yours. *Proudly* so.

Santana Lopez:
[Crying] Yea, well, wow. Whoever thought that for being fluid, you could be so stuck. [Brittany tries to hug her] Get off me!

Emma Pillsbury:
Celibacy, ladies... DIG IT!

Holly Holliday:
Demonstration! This is a condom, which can help prevent the spread of HIV, which can lead to AIDS. And it also prevents pregnancy! [holds a cucumber next to the condom]

Finn Hudson:
Wait! Cucumbers can give you AIDS?

Mercedes Jones:
Seriously? 'Cause I just had them in my salad!

Holly Holliday:
Sex is like hugging; only wetter.

Artie Abrams:
Yeah, it is.

Holly Holliday:
Finn, is it true that you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant via a hot tub?

Finn Hudson:
I have always been dubious.

Blaine Anderson:
Are you okay? You kept making those weird faces the whole song.

Kurt Hummel:
Those weren't weird faces. Those were my sexy faces.

Blaine Anderson:
It just look like you're having gas pains or something.

Will Schuester:
We have regionals in a week, and I just wanna make sure that all the dances are what I like to call 'Finnproof'.

Sue Sylvester:
Lady justice wept tonight.

Sue Sylvester:
I just blasted my hammies.

Will Schuester:
Oh.

Sue Sylvester:
Iron tablet? Keeps your strength up while you're menstruating.

Will Schuester:
I don't menstruate.

Sue Sylvester:
Yeah? Neither do I.

Mercedes Jones:
[During a song rehearsal, Rachel Berry kicks and nearly hits Mercedes in the face] Whoa, whoa. Hell to the nah! First of all, you try to bust my face again and I will cut you. And also, this song is terrible.

Will Schuester:
Okay, no, no. It's not the song, you guys just need to get into it.

Kurt Hummel:
No, it's the song. It's really gay.

Will Schuester:
[voice over] My father always said you become a man when you buy your first house. I'm not sure what he meant by that since he burned ours down once after a drunken fight with mom.

Peggy:
Welcome to your little slice of the American dream.

Terri Schuester:
I have a question about the trees. It's always been my personal dream to cut down my own Christmas tree. How many Christmas trees will we have in the backyard? And do they come in different colours because... well obviously we're starting a family and I have a real sense that it's going to be a girl.

Terri Schuester:
This banister was made by Ecuadorian children. [Terri Schuester gasps in delight]

Will Schuester:
It's great Terri but there are nine foreclosures on our street. Why can't we just buy one of those? They are half the price.

Terri Schuester:
I'm not raising our baby in a used house. They're not clean!

Terri Schuester:
Come with me, I'm going to show you something really special. [Terri leads him to a child's room done entirely in pink] This is where our daughter or our gay son will sleep. I thought maybe we could put one of those mini pianos in here and you two could put on mini shows for me.

Will Schuester:
I love it Terri but we still can't afford everything.

Terri Schuester:
It's my very own Sophie's Choice.

Will Schuester:
Everybody loves disco!

Quinn Fabray:
God bless the perv that invented these. Remember the power motto girls. [the Cheerios repeat along with Quinn] It's all about the teasing and not about the pleasing. [the Cheerios dance and grind suggestively] Back it up like a dump truck baby.

Quinn Fabray:
[Inflates a white balloon] Let's pair up for the Immaculate Affection. Now remember if the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry.

Principal Figgins:
Silence, children. Silence. First, an announcement. The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem, but let me warn you. There will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds. We're not going to have a repeat of last time.

Sue Sylvester:
Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I've seen in twenty years of teaching. And that includes an elementary school production of "Hair."

Principal Figgins:
We've received angry e-mails from a number of concerned parents, many of whom thought that their children were going to hear a Special Olympian speak about overcoming adversity.

Sue Sylvester:
I... I really don't know what to say.

Sue Sylvester:
Well, let me help you out then. My first thought was that your students should be put into foster care. But you're the one who should be punished. I demand your resignation from this school, as well as the disbanding of Glee Club.

Terri Schuester:
I don't want my baby to grow an extra arm just because I live in squalor and I'm so stressed. So, I want you to run any and all tests you have.

Doctor:
Trust me, you're clear.

Ken Tanaka:
I don't know a lot about relationships. Most of mine are short and flame out once the sex goes, but I do know you never want to be the rebounder. I'm a good man, Emma. I'll treat you right. I'll put up with all your crazy. They can't fire me 'cause I'm a minority, so I'll always be able to provide for you. You could do a lot worse, and in this town, you're not going to do much better. [pause] Okay, I'm done talking now.

Sue Sylvester:
You know Q, when I first laid eyes on you, I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you don't have my bone structure.

Emma Pillsbury:
[hears Rachel throwing up] Rachel, did you just throw up?

Rachel Berry:
[defensively] No.

Emma Pillsbury:
You missed the toilet.

Rachel Berry:
The girl who was throwing up before me left that. I tried, but I guess I just don't have a gag reflex.

Emma Pillsbury:
One day when you're older, that'll turn out to be a gift.

Rachel Berry:
You know, you can kiss me if you want to.

Finn Hudson:
I want to.

Quinn Fabray:
If you quit I'll let you touch my breasts.

Finn Hudson:
Under the shirt?

Quinn Fabray:
Over the bra.

Will Schuester:
My father always said you'd become a man when you bought your first house. I'm not sure what he meant though because he burned ours down during a drunken fight with mom.

Kurt Hummel:
You look like a technicolor zebra.

Quinn Fabray:
Let's pair up for the immaculate affection.

[Places balloon between Finn and Herself at pelvic level]

Quinn Fabray:
Remember: if the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
Santana Lopez bent over the other day, I swear I could see her ovaries.

Terri Schuester:
I'm not pregnant? But I've gained ten pounds!

Dr. Wu:
That's probably from eating. [Turns off ultrasound machine] I can see a chicken wing you probably swallowed whole.

Quinn Fabray:
I'm sorry Coach Sylvester, but something is happening between Finn and that thing! You saw how it was undressing it with its eyes!

Kurt Hummel:
They're gonna throw fruit at us. And I just had a facial.

Rachel Berry:
Have you ever liked someone so much you just wanna lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry?

Rachel Berry:
We're going to give them what they want!

Kurt Hummel:
[Skeptically] Blood?

Rachel Berry:
Better. Sex.

Finn Hudson:
I only joined the celibacy club to get into Quinn Fabray's pants.

Quinn Fabray:
People think you're gay now, Finn. And do you know what that makes me? Your big, gay beard!

Terri Schuester:
This is where our daughter or gay son will sleep.

Finn Hudson:
When I first joined, I thought you were kind of insane. I mean, you talk a lot more than you should, and to be honest with you, I looked under the bed and made sure that you weren't hanging out under there. But then, I heard you sing. I don't know how to say this, but you touched something in me. Right here. [points to his right side of the chest]

Rachel Berry:
Your heart is on the other side of your chest.

Santana Lopez:
Please. I've had mono so many times it turned into stereo.

Will Schuester:
Ok, guys I've got one word for you.

Brittany Pierce:
Is it Love? I'm totally going to graduate now!

Finn Hudson:
There's nothing going on between me and Rachel.

Quinn Fabray:
All I know is that when I don't catch you staring at me... you're staring at her.

Rachel Berry:
She's prettier than me.

Finn Hudson:
Would you stop?... You're beautiful.

Santana Lopez:
I've kissed Finn, and can I just say: NOT worth a buck. I would, however, pay $100 to jiggle one of his man b*obs.

Santana Lopez:
Finn only wears that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something.

Blaine:
If he and I got married, the Gap would give me a 50 percent discount.

Sam Evans:
I'm pretty, but I ain't dumb.

Lauren Zizes:
I spell woman Z-I-Z-E-S.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
Maybe it's because she's constantly insulting me like my mom.

Rachel Berry:
Now I'm free to pursue my dreams without anything holding me back.

Brittany Pierce:
That's my man and his legs don't work!

Santana Lopez:
I'll just marry an NFL player. They're super reliable.

Kurt Hummel:
I had a cat thrown at me in a nursing home once.

Quinn Fabray:
Three weeks ago, you said you were sad I didn't have a lizard baby.

Santana Lopez:
I just try to be really, really honest with people when I think that they suck.

Wes:
The Warblers haven't performed in an informal setting since 1927 when the Spirit of St. Louis overshot the tarmac and plowed through seven Warblers during an impromptu performance of "Welcome to Ohio, Lucky Lindy."

Santana Lopez:
That's how we do it in Lima Heights.

Finn Hudson:
That's the thing about cheating: when you really love someone you'll do anything to keep them safe.

Emma Pillsbury:
Let me guess. Finn and Rachel are going to do a ballad, right? Followed by the kids joining in with a classic rock number where Mercedes will belt out the last jaw-dropping note.

Will Schuester:
Have you been going through my desk?

Emma Pillsbury:
It's what you always do.

Brittany Pierce:
I'm paralyzed with fear. I've been here since 2nd period. I really really have to pee.

Rachel Berry:
That was amazing. I've never had meat substitute before that tasted that much like real meat.

Finn Hudson:
Of course... [under his breath] because you're a vegan, which I remember because we know each other so well... [aloud] More sparkling cider?

Finn Hudson:
I figured, since you have some more... experience than I do, maybe you could recommend a brand of condom?

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
Are you cheating on Rachel, dude? 'Cause if you are, that is not cool. And that's coming from me.

Finn Hudson:
No. I wanna use them with Rachel.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
Oh. I'm happy for you, dude. You and her. I always thought it'd be me, but secretly I hoped it'd be you. As for the condoms, no idea, never used them. It's worked out for me about 99 % of the time.

Kurt Hummel:
We're young, so we got all the time in the world to get adventurous.

Blaine Anderson:
Don't you think now is the time to be adventurous? While we're still young.

Sebastian:
What do you say we shake things up? I get you guys a couple of fake ID's and we head over to Scandal's in a Vest Limo.

Blaine Anderson:
Scandal's? That's the gay bar.

Sebastian:
The last time I was there, I met the man of my dreams on the dancefloor.

Kurt Hummel:
That's so sweet, and... Are you two still together?

Sebastian:
Sadly, no. We broke up about 20 minutes after we met.

Rachel Berry:
We should make a toast.

Finn Hudson:
Yeah.

Rachel Berry:
Alright. To four full months of no fighting or ever threats of us breaking up. Nothing but love, love, love.

Tina Cohen-Chang:
Losing my virginity was a great experience for me. Because I was with someone I love. It happened in summer. Mike and I had talked about it for a while, because we knew that the first time was gonna be something we wanna remember forever. And when that moment came, we just knew. It was right, it wasn't rushed... It was amazing. He's my first love, and I'll always look back at that moment as absolutely perfect. No regrets.

Artie Abrams:
When you're in a chair, it's hard to feel like you've ever grown up. Everyone's always doing stuff for you, they get freaked out by saying the wrong things, so they coddle you. Sometimes it's hard to ever picture a life of being totally self-succient. But directing you guys, the way you trusted me, the way you looked at me and listened to me... It's the first time in my life I've ever felt like a grown man. It's the greatest gift you could give a guy. So... so thank you, guys. For the flowers and for everything.

Rachel Berry:
I don't understand what any of this means...

Finn Hudson:
It means I suck! It means I'm gonna be stuck here forever! Recruiter's not gonna recruit me. They said I-I'd reached my ceiling.

Rachel Berry:
There are other colleges...

Finn Hudson:
Are there other schools for you besides NYADA? I'm not good enough! I'm not a good enough quarterback to get a scholarship, I'm not a good enough singer to get into NYADA, it's all over for me!

Rachel Berry:
Stop it! Finn, look at me. Your dreams are not dead, okay? You've just grown out of them. You have to find new ones now.

Finn Hudson:
I don't know how.

Rachel Berry:
Then we'll figure it out together! You're special. You know how I know that? 'Cause I am gonna give you something that's no one else is ever gonna get.

Finn Hudson:
You don't have to do this. The play's over, there's no point...

Rachel Berry:
No, the point is that I was wrong, and stupid, and immature, and probably not for the last time lost in my ambition, and...

Finn Hudson:
And now?

Rachel Berry:
Now I'm just a girl, here with the boy that she loves, and wanting to remember this moment for the rest of her life.

Cooter Menkens:
I wanna take you out on a date. A real, honest to God sit down date. Where you dress up like a lady and I dress up like a gentleman. Yes or no?

Shannon Beiste:
Why are you doing this, Cooter? Somebody put you up to this?

Cooter Menkens:
Jeez. Why don't you get that I'm attracted to you?

Shannon Beiste:
Because you're the kind of man that can have any pretty girl he pointed at and I don't look the way pretty girls look.

Cooter Menkens:
Well, good, 'cause I don't date girls, I just date women, beautiful women, like you.

Kurt Hummel:
Do you ever think we're playing it too safe by not granting our hands Visas to travel south of the Equator?

Sue Sylvester:
Why would I stoop to such puerile acts? Because I hate you, Will Schuester, and I will stop at nothing until I see you homeless in the streets drinking gutter runoff and allowing passersby to perform lewd acts on your butt chin for money. You are a fatuous, dim-witted, borderline pederast who tears up faster than a gay jihadi in a sandstorm. You have befouled the profession of teaching by accepting not only one but two Teacher of the Year Awards despite not speaking a word of the foreign language you purport to teach. Like the storied predators of yesteryear, Will, you pick only the most vulnerable students to favor while actively neglecting the others. Like that gross kid with the dreadlocks, or that poor Irish idiot Rory, or the black dancer whose name none of us remember because you rode his back to a win at sectionals and then promptly ignored him into oblivion. You positively worship a student if they can so much as carry a tune and yet you don't know a single name of the only true musical geniuses in that choir room: THE BAND, who have demonstrated time and again that they can, at the drop of a hat, play literally any song you can name and still you treat them like so much nameless human garbage. Your bizarre, psychosexual obsession with that Glee Club was disturbing from the first moment you stalked a nude student in the showers. You know, I'm honestly surprised you didn't re-enact what was clearly the formative event of your own teenage years and Sandusky the poor kid right there and then. Oh, and I think those absorbent sweater vests actually hide the fact that you lactate every time you give one of your excruciatingly condescending pep talks. Your charms wore off a long time ago, William. Somewhere around Bieber Week. So why don't you take your washboard abs and your washboard forehead and get the hell out of my office. Oh, and take that uncomfortable smirk and the nine foot fart you must be holding in with you, and let'er rip the second you get home. Because, you know what, if you're lucky that sphincter might just toot out the first minute and a half of "Wheel in the Sky," which is the only Journey song you haven't yet managed to ruin.

Cassandra July:
I bet you were a big star back in Iowa.

Rachel Berry:
Um, actually, I'm from Ohio.

Cassandra July:
Ohio? That's even worse. You ever look at a map? Ohio's like a giant turd that Michigan just can't pinch off.

[from trailer]

Brittany Pierce:
[to Wade] That's a great haircut, Mercedes. I thought you graduated.

Wade Adams:
[after being slushied] Unique's eyes... they're on fire!

Brody Weston:
[to Rachel] In case you were wondering, which you were, I'm straight.

Sue Sylvester:
Kitty is my new head b*tch. Sue: She's like a young Quinn Fabray, except she's not pregnant, manic depressive, or in and out of a wheelchair.

Sam Evans:
Wade, you can't wear that makeup and stuff in here. You have to understand how this stuff works. It's like Game of Thrones.

Artie Abrams:
Yeah, the peace between us and the truly popular kids is weak. Winter is coming. It's not gonna take much for us to get smacked down to the bottom again."

Jacob Ben Israel:
Artie Abrams, lunch room sources tell me you've been sitting with Cheerios.

Artie Abrams:
Well, I'm usually seen sitting.

Blaine Anderson:
So how's Santana?

Brittany Pierce:
She's good. She's just really busy with cheerleading practice and it's hard making out over Skype. You can't really scissor a Webcam.

Burt Hummel:
Do you know the difference between this place [Lima] and New York?

Kurt Hummel:
Decent bagels?

Tina Cohen-Chang:
Being popular felt too good. We forgot ourselves.

Brittany Pierce:
Well, *I* didn't. I was always popular, but I do forget to wear underwear sometimes.

Blaine Anderson:
Brittany, I'm sorry, but I won fair and square. You can't just decide not to sing anymore. We all need your voice.

Brittany Pierce:
I had a song in my heart, Blaine Warbler, and you killed it. Now I have a dead song in my heart and pretty soon the corpse of my dead heartsong is going to start to smell.

Kitty:
My iced latte is too cold.

Kurt Hummel:
It's an iced latte.

Kitty:
[to Kurt] Shouldn't you be in college or something? I thought gay people are all successful overachievers.

[first lines]

Cassandra July:
All right, kids, show me what you got. Ready? Five, six, seven, eight! Welcome to NYADA. This is Dance 101, my name's Cassandra July, and if you are not suffering from severe body dysmorphia, then you don't want it enough.

Cassandra July:
What's your name, Muffin Top?

Lydia:
Lydia.

Cassandra July:
No, your name's Muffin Top, and from now on its rice cakes and ipecac, or cut off a butt cheek, cuz you need to drop a few.

Brody Weston:
[to Rachel] We're actors, right? Our skin is like our paintbrush and our canvas.

Sue Sylvester:
Porcelain, this is my daughter Robin. I've loved the name ever since I was a little girl. It recalls hope, and springtime, and my favorite dead Bee Gee.

Sue Sylvester:
I need you to change Robin's diaper and then sing her a lullaby. Preferably something not yet butchered by the glee club. Good luck finding one.

Sue Sylvester:
I'm actually very proud of you, twinkle tush. You're a real trailblazer. You know, it used to be that just straight ex-football players would lurk the halls of high schools after graduation. But you've proven that gay, ex-show choir champs can also be depressive sad sacks desperately clinging to the past.

Burt Hummel:
[to Kurt] You can always come back. [to himself] But you won't.

Sue Sylvester:
[while putting together a Madonna-inspired Cheerios routine] Somewhere in the English countryside, in a stately manor home, Madonna is weeping!

Sue Sylvester:
You think this is hard? I'm passing a gallstone as we speak! *That's* hard!

[Will writes the name 'Madonna' on the white board]

Will Schuester:
What comes to mind when you see that name?

Rachel Berry:
Genius.

Kurt Hummel:
Icon.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
Hall of fame MILF.

Will Schuester:
Guys, you know, it's come to my attention that many of you haven't been treating the young ladies of our group very nicely lately. You're disrespectful, bullying, sexist, and, I hate to say it, misogynistic.

Finn Hudson:
I have no idea what that means.

Brittany:
When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a "misogynist"

Quinn Fabray:
Would you please stop talking, you're grossing out my baby.

Kurt Hummel:
I'm gay. She's black. We *make* culture.

Mercedes Jones:
You guys only trot me out to wail at the end of a number

Sue Sylvester:
...and, Wow, I just lost my train of thought. You have so much margarine in your hair.

Will Schuester:
OK. First, of all my kids are doing Madonna. She's public domain and there is nothing you can do about it. Secondly, enough with the hair jokes. Oh, by the way, how's the Florence Henderson look working for you? Oh, maybe you should try a new setting on your FLOwbee! [walking away] Oh, snap!

Sue Sylvester:
[Looks up sniffing] Oh, hey William. I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair.

Will Schuester:
Wow Sue. I'm really impressed.

Sue Sylvester:
Yeah well, Madonna is legend. I want my girls to learn all the lessons she has to offer. Strength. Independence. Nobody quite like the material girl to empower my Cheerios. Just like your hair dresser has empowered you to look absolutely ridiculous.

Will Schuester:
[undaunted and smiling] I'll see you later Sue.

Sue Sylvester:
And here's the truth. I mercilessly pick on Will Shuester's lustrous, wavy hair because I am jealous. There I said it.

Mercedes Jones:
You all just trot me out at the end of every number so I can wail on the last note. How is that okay?

Sue Sylvester:
As Madonna once said, I'm tough, I'm ambitious and if that makes me a b*tch, that's what I am. Pretty sure she stole that line from Sue Sylvester. No, really. I said it first.

Rachel Berry:
I don't understand why you're doing this.

Jesse St. James:
Because when you love something, you've got to go for it. You'd never be with me completely if I was on the opposing team and I care about you more than winning another national title. So I left Vocal Adrenaline for you.

Jesse St. James:
flashback,making out with rachel We should do it.

Rachel Berry:
It?

Jesse St. James:
Totally. Haven't you ever done it before?

Rachel Berry:
No. Have you?

Jesse St. James:
chuckles, What do you think?

Jesse St. James:
It's no big deal.

Rachel Berry:
It is for a girl!

Sue Sylvester:
I'm off to notify the Ohio secretary of state that I will no longer be carrying photo ID... because people should know who I am.

Sue Sylvester:
You wanted to see me?

Emma Pillsbury:
Um. Yeah. Thank you for coming. Please sit down.

Sue Sylvester:
No.

Emma Pillsbury:
Okay. Um. I was just wondering why Madonna was playing everywhere except my office.

Sue Sylvester:
Well it's simple, Arlene. You don't deserve the power of Madonna. You have none of her self confidence, her power over her body, or her sexual magnetism. Simply put, you have all the sensuality of one of those pandas down at the zoo who refuse to mate. I had your intercom disconnected.

Finn Hudson:
The truth is, I have no idea what I'm doing. I look around, and everyone knows where they're headed, or at least what they want. I'm lost. It's like I can't even remember who I am anymore. [gets slushied in the face by several students] Now I remember.

Will Schuester:
[after hearing Sugar sing] Holy sh... ugar!

Shannon Beiste:
What are you gonna do?

Will Schuester:
Something I should have done a long time ago. If Sue wants to declare war in the arts... then general Schuester is about to launch a counter offensive.

Emma Pillsbury:
So this is what being turned on feels like.

Will Schuester:
Candidate Sylvester... I think you could use a little showbiz sparkle. Every tiny grain of this glitter represents the kid whose dreams won't come true if you get elected in End School Arts Programmes. John F. Kennedy once said that arts are the roots of our culture! The arts enricher lives, and helps kids achieve in all walks of life. Sue Sylvester... You just got glitterbombed! [to Emma] Did you get that?

Quinn Fabray:
New year, and I've finally found myself. I'm not sure what the tipping point was: Dying my hair, the nose ring, my erotic tattoo of Ryan Seacrest... But one thing I know, I'm never going back.

Brittany Pierce:
I have pepperoni in my bra.

Santana Lopez:
Those are your nipples!

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
She was the one that got away... very, very slowly.

Quinn Fabray:
[to Santana & Brittany] You guys are such suckers for going back to Sue Sylvester.

Santana Lopez:
Come on, screw her. This is for us. We can win two National championships this year. We joined Cheerios together, we joined Glee club together, we all slept with Puckerman the same year. We're like besties for life.

Brittany Pierce:
Yeah, come on, Quinn. We used to be the Three Musketeers. Now Santana and I are like Almond Joy and you're like a Jolly Rancher that fell in the ashtray.

Santana Lopez:
When I look at someone, I don't see someone who looks a certain way or has this or that amount of chromosomes. I just see someone I may or may not have to destroy.

Rachel Berry:
High school is where you learn, it's survival of the fittest. She's gonna drag the New Directions down and that's not fair for those of us who don't wanna spend our lives rotting in this insignificant town! You said that you'd do anything to get us to Nationals. She is gonna keep us from winning that elusive crown, if anything, she's gonna kill all of our chances!

Sheila:
Your friend stinks of soap, Quinn.

Kurt Hummel:
I want my senior year to be magic and the only way that's going to happen is if I get to spend every minute of every day with you.

Sue Sylvester:
If students wish to mourn Finn's passing, they're free to visit the memorial that I erected. I planted a tree in the exact location where I caught Finn and Quinn Fabray fondling each other's breasts.

Will Schuester:
Come on Sue.

Shannon Beiste:
How can you even joke at a time like this?

Sue Sylvester:
Ah take it easy post-op Michael Chiklis, I'm grieving. And I grieve by insulting those who mean the most to me. It's just a coincidence that's also what I do when I'm not grieving.

Emma Pillsbury:
[after stopping Kurt in the hall] Kurt, I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.

Kurt Hummel:
[Watching Emma drunkenly] Oh Bambi... I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy... [Bends down and throws up on Emma's shoes]

Sue Sylvester:
When Sandy said that he wanted to write himself in as Cleopatra, I was aroused, then furious.

Finn Hudson:
You know what we should do?

Rachel Berry:
Elope?

Finn Hudson:
What?

Rachel Berry:
Nothing.

Finn Hudson:
[to Rachel] You're the most talented person I know. Even more than that guy at the mall who can juggle chainsaws.

April Rhodes:
Can I get you a drink? I just cracked open a fresh box of wine.

April Rhodes:
If you can master this, you can sneak anything out of a store between your knees. Shoes, prom dresses. I once got a cake out of a kid's birthday party with the candle still lit.

April Rhodes:
[to Rachel] Do you have any NyQuil? I could use a pick-me-up.

Kurt Hummel:
Oh Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.

April Rhodes:
I'm rolling on a fistful of horse tranquilizers, I can't feel my lips

Emma Pillsbury:
Kurt? I know my solvents and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol...

Kurt Hummel:
[Kurt is drunk] Oh Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy. [suddenly throws up on Emma's feet]

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
That Rachel chick makes me wanna light mysely on fire, but she can sing.

Emma Pillsbury:
Kurt? I'm a woman who knows her solvents and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.

Kurt Hummel:
Oh, Bambi. I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.

Emma Pillsbury:
Kurt, I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.

Kurt Hummel:
Oh, Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.

Will Schuester:
Guys, I'd like to introduce you to someone very special. This is April Rhodes. She's our newest member.

Finn Hudson:
Wait, so old people can join Glee Club now?

April Rhodes:
Old, huh? You guys look like the world's worst Benetton ad.

April Rhodes:
So, did I sleep with you?

Will Schuester:
[taken aback] Um... I was a freshman when you were a senior.

April Rhodes:
...So, did I sleep with you?

Sue Sylvester:
When I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Kleopatra... I was aroused... then furious.

April Rhodes:
Stick *that* in your pipe and smoke it.

Becky Jackson:
[to Will] Give me some chocolate, or I will cut you.

Finn Hudson:
I have no idea what's going on in this script, and it's not in a cool 'Inception' kind of way.

Sue Sylvester:
Becky, that is the best Halloween costume I've ever seen.

Becky Jackson:
[Dressed up as Sue] Thanks, Coach.

Sue Sylvester:
There's only one thing missing.

[hands Becky a megaphone]

Sue Sylvester:
Go scream at some fatties.

Sam Evans:
[about keeping to his strict dietary regimen] There's no carpool lane to sexy.

Will Schuester:
I think your accent is throwing me off. Where you from?

David Martinez:
Ohio!

Will Schuester:
?Qui?n es m?s macho de Will Schuester?

Subtitles:
Who is more macho of/from Will Schuester?

Mercedes Jones:
Sam just tweeted that I smell good.

Sam Evans:
I won't stop 'til it's trending.

Roz Washington:
[to Sue] Sue, you can't have no baby. You are old as a hill. You ain't gonna give birth to no child; you gonna give birth to a grandchild. You gonna get in them stirrups, and you gonna push and push, and a full-grown adult gonna pop out with a briefcase and a job talking on a cellphone. What you need to do is start praying that you give birth to a child that likes to eat sand, cause that's all that's coming out of them old, wrinkly b*obs.

Kurt Hummel:
Why are you being so weird and serious? Our periods don't come until the end of the month.

Will Schuester:
You're a substitute. Of course you can let the kids do whatever they want. You never have to deal with the hangover of all that fun.

Holly Holliday:
16% of all high school students dropped out last year. We can't just expect them to sit up and pay attention. These kids feel special. They have a voice, and if we don't listen to it, they just tune us out.

Will Schuester:
I give my kids a voice. I just don't let them run it free. I'm a teacher. It's my job to know more than they do.

Holly Holliday:
Right, you don't know about what they care about the most - themselves. These kids get bored, they change their facebook status. They're entitled to have all of these emotions, and not only that, they're entitled to have the world care about them, that is what the generation is about.

Will Schuester:
A great teacher is supposed to show them there are other points of view besides their own.

[Kurt is talking to Mercedes at their cafeteria table]

Kurt Hummel:
Mercedes, trust me. Love is just around the corner.

[Karofsky walks by]

Dave Karofsky:
'Sup, homo? [Karofsky winks at Kurt]

Kurt Hummel:
Let's play a game! On the count of 3, we'll all say our favorite 2010 Vogue cover! 1... 2... 3!

Kurt Hummel, Blaine Anderson:
MARION COTILLARD!

Blaine Anderson:
Oh my god, yes!

Kurt Hummel:
Yes!

Blaine Anderson:
Yes yes yes! She's amazing!

Kurt Hummel:
Amazing!

Brittany Pierce:
I don't wanna die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets cancelled.

Quinn Fabray:
If we go to our cheerleading competition,then we miss the halftime show, and we're out of Glee Club. I'm torn.

Santana Lopez:
Oh, I'm not.

Brittany Pierce:
I'm Brittany.

Burt Hummel:
Hey! What did you just call him?

Finn Hudson:
Oh, no, I didn't call him anything. I was just talking to the blanket.

Burt Hummel:
You use that word, you're talking about him.

Kurt Hummel:
Relax, dad, I didn't take it that way.

Burt Hummel:
Yeah, that's because you're 16 and you still assume the best in people. You live a few years, you start seeing the hate in people's hearts. Even the best people. [to Finn] You use the N word?

Finn Hudson:
Of course not.

Burt Hummel:
How about "retard"? You call that nice girl on the Cheerios with Kurt, you call her a retard?

Finn Hudson:
Becky? No, she's my friend. She's got Down's Syndrome. I'd never call her that, that's cruel.

Burt Hummel:
But you think it's okay to come in my house and say "faggy"?

Finn Hudson:
But that's not what I meant.

Burt Hummel:
I know what you meant! What, you think I didn't use that word when I was your age? You know, some kid gets clocked in practice we tell him to stop being such a fag, shake it off. We meant it exactly the way you meant it. That being gay is wrong. That's some kind of punishable offense. I really thought you were different, Finn. You know, I thought that being in Glee Club, and being raised by your mom, meant that you were some, you know, new generation of dude who saw things differently. Who just kinda, you know, came into the world knowing what it's taken me years of struggling to figure out. I guess I was wrong. I'm sorry Finn, but you can't, you can't stay here.

Kurt Hummel:
Dad.

Burt Hummel:
I love your mom and maybe this is gonna cost me her, but my family comes first. I can't have that kind of poison around. [turns to Kurt] This is our home, Kurt. [turns back to Finn] He is my son. Out in the world you do what you want; not under my roof.

Dave Karofsky:
Let's go.

Kurt Hummel:
Yeah, you don't wanna be late for your appointment at Supercuts!

Azimio:
Watch your mouth, Hummel!

Dave Karofsky:
And you know what, fancy? You don't need an appointment at Supercuts. They love walk-ins!

Sue Sylvester:
[Picking out the minority glee kids] Santana! Wheels! Gay kid! Asian! Other Asian! Aretha! Shaft!

Sue Sylvester:
I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help, but picturing birds laying sulfurous eggs in there and I find it disgusting.

Sue Sylvester:
I wanna pit these kids against one another, am I clear? Quinn, update. Go.

Quinn Fabray:
The minority students don't feel like they're being heard.

Sue Sylvester:
Ah, a chink in the armor, huh? I am going to create an environment that it so toxic, no one will want to be a part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple, and I salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing living could grow there for a hundred years. You know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs.

Jacob Ben Israel:
The independent polling company in my Dockers has determined you're the hottest girl in the school

Sue Sylvester:
Alright everybody listen up. When you hear your name called, cross over to my side of this black shiny thing

Will Schuester:
That's called a piano, Sue

Sue Sylvester:
Santana, Wheels, Gay Kid. Come on, move it! Asian, Other Asian, Aretha, and Shaft.

Sue Sylvester:
Sometimes people ask me, "Sue, how come you're so sensitive to minorities?" Well, I'll tell you why. Because I know firsthand how hard it is to struggle as a minority in America today. I'm 1/16th Comanche Indian. In fact, I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one.

Sue Sylvester:
Your delusions of persecution are a telltale sign of early stage paranoid schizophrenia.

Principal Figgins:
Only last Friday at the football game they tried to spell out "GO TEAM" and they spelled out "TO GAME"

Sue Sylvester:
Let me break this down for you, okay? I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go onto college? I don't know, I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners. But if they want to be bankers and lawyers and captains of industry, the most important lesson they could possibly learn is how to do a round off.

Sue Sylvester:
I'm about to vomit down your back.

Will Schuester:
I will destroy you.

Sue Sylvester:
I'm about to vomit down your back.

Will Schuester:
[on why he flunked several of Sue's Cheerios, thus making them academically ineligible for the squad] I have a Spanish quiz in which one of your cheerleaders misspelled her name, and answered every question with a drawing of a sombrero!

Sue Sylvester:
Santana! Wheels! Gay Kid! Asian! Other Asian! Aretha! Shaft!

Sue Sylvester:
I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help but picture little birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and it disgusts me.

Sue Sylvester:
Sometimes people ask me, "Sue, how come you're so sensitive to minorities?" Well, I'll tell you why: because I know firsthand how hard it is to struggle as a minority in America today. I'm 1/16th Comanche Indian. In fact, I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one.

Sue Sylvester:
I'm all about empowerment. I empower my Cheerios to live in a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror.

Quinn Fabray:
[stands at Rachel's locker after she closes it] Listen here, treasure trail. We're about to have a smack-down.

Rachel Berry:
I don't want to have a confrontation. [Passes Quinn and starts to walk off]

Quinn Fabray:
Don't play stupid with me, stubbles. I'm having Finn's baby and you need to back off! I'm asking you as nice as I possibly can. Leave him alone.

Rachel Berry:
[Stops walking and turns to Quinn] You're right. I-I've helped you not because it's the right thing to do, but because I had romantic ulterior motives. But just so we're clear, you're the one who's cheating.

Quinn Fabray:
Excuse me?

Rachel Berry:
[They start walking once again] I have on good authority that you're Sue Sylvester's mole and you can deny it all you want, but I know it's true.

Quinn Fabray:
I have no idea what you're talking about.

Rachel Berry:
[They walk up a flight of stairs] Sue's not on your side, Quinn; she's not on anyone's side but her own. Can you imagine what she's going to do when she finds out about your situation? She'll probably rip off your uniform with her bare hands. [Rachel stops walking at the top of the stairs and turns to face Quinn] All right. Every time you whisper in her ear you empower her to do more damage to the Glee Club. And right now, Glee Club is all you have. And if I were you, I'd recognise who my true friends are. And I'd practice a little more because you obviously have a lot you need to express.

Quinn Fabray:
Oh, you have no idea! [Quinn turns around and breaks into song as she sings 'You Keep Me Hangin' On']

Sue Sylvester:
I am about to vomit down your back!

Sue Sylvester:
When you hear your name called, cross over to this side of this black shiny thing.

Will Schuester:
That's called a piano, Sue.

Finn Hudson:
I'm losing it. I'm tired all the time-I can't keep my eyes open. I know how lucky I am; captain of the football team, glee stud. I know I should be excited about Quinn. She's hot, popular, she's carrying my baby and all, but I can't get Rachel out of my head. She kinda freaks me out in a Swimfan kinda way, but she can really sing and her body is smoking-if you're not into b*obs. My body's a mess. I found a hair on my ear the other day and I have to rub biofreeze on my shins a couple times a day-growing pains. It's smells pretty bad but I mask it with Drakkar Noir. Being a guy my age is tough. Between Glee, Football, and school. and being popular, I'm kinda overwhelmed. Everyone wants something from me and I don't have the energy to do it all. I don't know how important people, like presidents or newscasters or mob bosses do it. My mom says I'm stretched too thin so I gave up homework, but that didn't help. All I know is that last night I got vaporized on level two. Level two-and I didn't even have the energy to care.

Sue Sylvester:
We're dealing with children, they need to be terrified, it's like mothers milk to them - without it their bones won't grow properly

Sue Sylvester:
I've never wanted kids... don't have the time, don't have the uterus

Artie Abrams:
[about the girls] We're planning on smacking them down like the hand of God.

Sue Sylvester:
Let me put it to you this way. If it's not a full blown affair, well it's certainly heading in that direction. You need a machete to cut through the haze of lust that surrounds them.

Terri Schuester:
Oh God. What am I going to do?

Sue Sylvester:
I think you should both pack up and move out of the district. Unless you want to lose your man to a mentally ill ginger pygmy with eyes like a bushbaby.

Will Schuester:
[to Terri] Every time I light a fire in my life, you find a way to make sure it burns the forest down.

Sue Sylvester:
[Writing in her journal] Dear Journal. Feeling listless again today. It began at dawn, when I tried to make a smoothie out of beef bones, breaking my juicer. And then at Cheerios practice, disaster! It was unmistakable. It was like spotting the first spark on the Hindenburg. A quiver! That quiver will lose us Nationals. And without a championship, I'll lose my endorsements. And without those endorsements, I won't be able to buy my hovercraft. Glee Club. Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating mouth-breathers, it only comes back stronger, like some sexually-ambiguous horror movie villain. Here I am, about to turn 30, and I've sacrificed everything, only to be shanghaied by the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy, misshapen teens. Am I missing something, Journal? Is it me? Of course it's not me. It's Will Schuester! What is it about him, Journal? Is it the arrogant smirk? Is it the store-bought home perm? It's coming clear to me now. If I can't destroy the club, I will have to destroy the man.

Rachel Berry:
[rapidly] Thank you so much, it really is a pleasure. While the boys chose a selection of songs that casts an eye inward on the irresponsible life choices and sexual hunger of today's modern teens [breath] we have chosen a selection of songs that speaks of the nation as a whole during these troubling times filled with economic uncertainty and unbridled social woes, because if there's two things America needs right now, that is sunshine and optimism! [pause] Also angels. [big grin, pants]

Finn Hudson:
Hey guys, how's it going? God it's a beautiful day. Let's run through the number. I'm ready and excited, are you guys? Stand up. Come on. Let's get this joint jumping.

Artie Abrams:
Has your soul been taken over by captivated space aliens?

Finn Hudson:
Nope. Just visited the school nurse. Got this great vitamin, and i feel fantastic! I can't wait to do the number. Let's do the number, and then after words we can build a house for habitat for humanity.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
What kind of vitamin?

Kurt Hummel:
Vitamin C? Vogue magazine says it boasts energy and brightens the complection.

Finn Hudson:
Vitamin D, and I got you guys some.

Mercedes Jones:
Why do we have to go all vanilla on this song? See, what we need is my chocolate thunder.

Brittany:
I find recipes... confusing.

Will Schuester:
I don't know if you guys really understand how much harder Artie has to work to keep up.

Artie Abrams:
Preach!

Will Schuester:
McKinley needs ramps.

Sue Sylvester:
No way. Those are what I call lazy-makers. They discourage our able-bodied students from getting their proper exercise by using the stairs!

Burt Hummel:
This is really getting you down, isn't it?

Kurt Hummel:
I'm full of ennui.

Burt Hummel:
So it's really getting you down?

Burt Hummel:
Congratulations on hitting the kool-aid or High C or whatever...

Kurt Hummel:
High F.

Burt Hummel:
Whatever.

Quinn Fabray:
What's this?

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
This is all the money leftover from my pool cleaning business. After I bought dip... and nunchucks.

Sue Sylvester:
I'm about to projectile express myself all over your Hush Puppies.

Sandy Ryerson:
How bad is the pain?

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
The doc said the shark fractured my spinal cord

Sandy Ryerson:
This is why I don't go to the aquarium. Okay son. I'm going to give you the full amount I can. 20 cents on the dollar

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
[voiceover] I don't put enough in to give you hallucinations or get you high. Just enough to give you a real case of the munchies.

Artie Abrams:
I wanna be clear. I still have use of my penis.

Finn Hudson:
What are we going to do?

Quinn Fabray:
What are you going to do?

Finn Hudson:
I'm looking for a job. I mean no one's hiring. I almost got in at Olive Garden, but they said I was too tall to be a bus boy.

Brittany:
It's not that, it's that most of us don't know how to bake. I find recipes confusing.

Artie Abrams:
[to Rachel] You're irritating most of the time, but don't take that personally.

Brittany:
It's not that. It's most of us don't know how to bake. I find recipes confusing.

Sue Sylvester:
You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they're going in another direction. That was hard.

Will Schuester:
You guys are best friends, why are you fighting?

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:
I'm just really stressed about the bake sale.

[opening monologue]

Becky's Inner Voice:
I, Becky Faye Jackson, am the hottest b*tch at McKinley High School. I'm not only co-captain of the Cheerios!, I'm president of the Perfect Attendance Club and I've won a participation award in rhythm gymnastics. You may be wondering why I sound like the Queen of England. It's simple: in my mind, I can sound like whomever I want, so lay off, haters. Okay, let's get reals. I could easily snag any dude east of the Mississippi, but I'm extremely picky. [looks at Rory] For instance, Rory grins too much. He looks like an insane person. [looks at Puck] Is that a mohawk, Puckerman, or did someone glue a squirrel to your head? No Chang do. I'm no rice queen. [looks at Artie] Now that's more like it: sweet, sexy and handi-capable like me, with a voice as velvety as my favorite Sunday church dress. It's decided: Artie Abrams, you're my new boyfriend.

Roz Washington:
Sam Evans? I'm Coach Roz Washington. And you are one strange looking kid. I've never seen lips like that on a white child, and one of your nipples is higher than the other. I bet you've had to overcome a lot with those crooked nipples. Well, I know a thing or two about overcoming. When I was growing up, they said that black folks couldn't swim. But I had a DREAM! that one day I would get to the promised land. So I swam out there and got my forty acres and a pool.

Vinny:
Coach Roz was an Olympian.

Roz Washington:
That's right. I won this Bronze damn Olympic Medal in Beijing, China for individual synchronized swimming. I bet you didn't even know there was such a thing as individual synchronized swimming. Nod to me if I'm getting trough to you, nod to me!

Sam Evans:
[nods]

Roz Washington:
I'm gonna say one thing to you, Sam Evans, and I'm only gonna say it once. If you pee in my pool, I will kill you.

Rachel Berry- I didn't fall and break my talent