Guarding Tess

Tess Carlisle:
The President is comingto Somersville. Will you have the cars and the machine guns ready in about an hour?

Doug Chesnic:
Get in the damn chair.

Tess Carlisle:
Hmm. Very good, Douglas. You're going to be all right.

Frederick:
Just back to pick up your accoutrements?

Doug Chesnic:
Speak English Fred.

Frederick:
Just back to pick up your sh*t?

Tess Carlisle:
It's got no price at all.

Bob Hutcherson:
Yes ma'am. Uh, Doug, this is Bobby in canned goods, are you anywhere near the manager? I need a price check on Lesieur baby peas, repeat, Lesieur baby peas.

Doug Chesnic:
Lesieur baby peas.

Store Manager:
They're on special today, two for .59.

Doug Chesnic:
They're on special today, two for .59.

Bob Hutcherson:
Uh, copy that, it's two for .59.

Tess Carlisle:
But I only want one.

Bob Hutcherson:
Uh, roger that, Doug, but she only wants one.

Doug Chesnic:
How much for just one?

Store Manager:
The same. It's a two for one thing.

Doug Chesnic:
Uh, Bobby, it's a two for one thing so I suggest you go ahead and get both.

Bob Hutcherson:
Uh, copy that Doug but I believe we've lost in interest in peas, repeat, lost interest in peas. Canned goods out.

Sheriff Janson:
Uh-huh, well just hold on a minute, I'm gonna...Agent Chesnic, I'm gonna have to put you on the speaker.

Doug:
Is there someone else in the room?

Sheriff Janson:
[with others around him] Oh no, no I just want to practice my putting while we're talking! What can I do for you?

Doug:
Would you please put out an all-points for Mrs. Carlisle's automobile? It's a '92 Lincoln, Ohio plates, kilo-hotel-oscar 362. When last he was seen heading east on the Chester Exit of I-71.

Sheriff Janson:
Just hold everything! Have I got this right? Have you and the Secret Service boys gone and lost the president's wife again?

Doug:
I don't believe there's any cause for concern here, she's with her driver, she's perfectly safe, but proper procedure requires us to notify you.

Sheriff Janson:
Of course it does, uh we'll get on this right now.

Doug:
[on cell phone] Thank you!

Sheriff Janson:
Agent Chesnic, uh Mrs. Carlisle is pretty slippery, isn't she? I mean for a senior citizen! Hello?

Store Manager:
[to Doug] Does she want to be known today?

[Doug shakes his head]

Store Manager:
[to customers and cashiers] Don't know her! Don't know her! Don't know her!

Tess:
I have some exciting news for you. I have an inoperable brain tumor. [pause] I have bought you and your men a scud missile launcher. [pause] We are going to the opera in Columbus. Which of those do you think is true?

Doug:
When?

Doug:
I'll get the chair. [Doug gets the chair, but Earl takes off with Tess; yelling and screaming] HEY! STOP! HEY EARL STOP! [throws the chair on the ground] DAMN! [throws the chair on the ground again and walks to a station for a telephone]

Lee Danielson:
Office.

Doug:
Are they back yet?

Lee Danielson:
Doug?

Doug:
Yeah, Doug! Are they there?

Lee Danielson:
Who, Mrs. Carlisle?

Doug:
Yes.

Lee Danielson:
No, they're not here! Aren't they with you?

Doug:
Call everybody in, come get me.

[Lee stops at the gas station to get Doug]

Doug:
Did they get back yet?

Lee Danielson:
Nope! When did they take off?

Doug:
2 and a 1/2 hours ago.

Lee Danielson:
Jesus.

Doug:
Who's this? Tom, are they there? All right, call Sheriff Janson and the highway patrol, tell them they're out joyriding again. It's not a problem, but inform them that there's no security with Mrs. Carlisle, thanks. [hangs up cell phone]

Lee Danielson:
Washington?

Doug:
No, not yet. We'll give them another hour. Goddamn her for this.

Doug:
Where is she Earl?

Earl:
Speak to my lawyer Agent... Agent Dougie.

Doug:
[Calming the hospital employee who insisted it's hospital policy that patients leave by wheelchair] The regulations aren't really that sacred, are they? And Tess... Get in the god damn chair.

Tess:
Hmm. Very good, Douglas. You're going to be all right.

Doug Chesnic:
I'm a secret service agent, Mrs. Carlisle, not a caddy. You want that ball? I suggest you go get it yourself.

Doug Chesnic:
Since you've insisted on me staying, you should know I intend to do my job by the book which means we don't run errands, we don't make snacks and we don't check our guns at the door. Now if you don't like any of this, I suggest you call Washington and get yourself a new man.

Tess Carlisle:
You should get a date, you should have a martini, you should drive with the top down, you should better yet give a tired old widow a break.

Tess Carlisle:
Do I still have any influence in that evil little town or have they forgotten all about me?