Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle

[after Harold has been placed in a cell with Tarik Jackson]

Harold:
So, what are you in here for?

Tarik:
For bein' black.

Harold:
Seriously?

Tarik:
I am serious. Wanna know what happened?

[Harold nods]

Tarik:
I was walkin' out of a Barnes and Noble, and the cop stops me. Now, evidently, a black guy robbed a store in Newark. I told him, "I haven't even been to Newark in months". So he starts beatin' me with his gun, telling me to stop resisting arrest.

Harold:
Holy sh*t. What'd you do?

Tarik:
I kept sayin': "I understand I'm under arrest. Now, please stop beatin' me!".

Harold:
I don't understand how you can be so calm about all this.

Tarik:
Look at me. I'm fat, black, can't dance, and I have 2 gay fathers. People have been messin' with me my whole life. I learned a long time ago that there's no sense gettin' all riled up every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should. Plus, I have a really large penis. That keeps me happy.

Harold:
The universe tends to unfold as it should.

Kumar:
What is that? Some fortune cookie?

[cops left moments earlier to check out a shooting in Millbrook Park]

Kumar:
[from inside a heating duct at the police station, where Harold is in jail] Rold? Is that you?

Harold:
Kumar?

Kumar:
Hey, are the cops still here?

Harold:
What the hell are you doing?

Kumar:
I just called and made up some story about a shooting in Millbrook Park.

Harold:
Jesus Christ, what'd you do that for?

Kumar:
I'm f***ing starving. I figured I'd bust you out and we'd go get some burgers.

Kumar:
[sniffs] Hey, what's that smell?

Harold:
What smell? Kumar.

Kumar:
[starts sniffing like a crazed bloodhound, and then sees a huge bag of marijuana, his eyes widen]

Harold:
Hey Kumar! Kumar! Where are you--?

[Kumar rushes to the bag of marijuana]

Harold:
Kumar! Still in jail, a**hole! Come here!

Martone:
[notices the jail door keys in the jail door, and Tarik Jackson sitting inside the cell reading a book] Hey! Jackson's trying to escape!

Tarik:
What are you talking about? I'm just sitting here.

Reilly:
He's trying to break free! Get him!

Tarik:
Aw, sh*t.

[he gets up as the cops hold him to the wall; Tarik still holds his book in hand]

Martone:
Don't move. Stop resisting! We need back up now! He's got a gun!

Tarik:
That's not a gun, that's a book.

Reilly:
Secure the book!

Palumbo:
Book is secure. You bring this filth in here? What is this sh*t?!

Harold:
I want that.

Kumar:
What? A Hot Dog Heaven super chili cheese dog?

Harold:
No. I want that feeling. The feeling that comes over a man when he gets exactly what he desires. I need that feeling.

Kumar:
Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Harold:
We gotta go to White Castle.

Kumar:
Yes! Yes! I knew you had it in you dude!

Harold:
Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you?

Harris:
Dude, I don't even know where the f*** I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible "X"--next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving car. I've been trippin' balls ever since.

Kumar:
That's crazy, dude. We've been having a pretty crazy, night, too. We've just been driving around looking for White Castle but we keep getting sidetracked.

Harris:
Yeah, dude, you fascinate me. Forget White Castle, let's go get some p*ssy.

Harold:
Huh?

Harris:
It's a f***ing sausage fest in here, bros. Let's get some poon-tang. Then we'll go to White Castle.

Kumar:
No, Neil, you don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night.

Harris:
Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too--fur burgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers. [sings] Lap-dance.

Kumar:
[pause] There's a gas station. I'm gonna see if I can get some directions.

Harris:
You don't need dir--gah. Hurry up, dudes, hurry up! I'm losing wood.

[they park, pause]

Harris:
Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

Kumar:
Look, chill.

Harold:
We'll be right back, Neil.

[they exit the car]

Harold:
Dude, what's the deal with Neil Patrick Harris? Why is he so horny?

Harold:
Did Doogie Howser just steal my f***ing car?

Kumar:
Yes. I think he did.

Harold:
[starts screaming] You! You had to pick up a hitchhiker! Why?!

Kumar:
Dude, I thought Neil Patrick Harris was a stand up guy. How was I supposed to know he'd f*** us over?

Harold:
Dude, where's my car?

Kumar:
Where's his car, dude?

Kumar:
Do you know what the hell we had to go through after you took the car?

Harris:
Yeah, it was a dick move on my part. That's why I'm paying for your meal. [looks down to count money, lowers voice] Prick.

[Kumar is licking Harold to wake him up]

Harold:
What the hell are you doing?! God!

Kumar:
Well, you were out cold, I figured if I started doing some gay sh*t you'd wake up.

Harold:
Didn't we come here on a cheetah? Where's the cheetah?

Kumar:
It ran away. Listen, I got some bad news and some worse news.

Harold:
Okay, give me the worse news first.

Kumar:
I was looking at some of the roadsigns, and it looks like the cheetah took us in a completely different direction.

Harold:
What's the bad news?

Kumar:
Your laptop's completely destroyed.

Harold:
[shouts] What? How is that not the worse news!?

Kumar:
[calmly] Well, the laptop situation really only affects you, where as the White Castle situation affects us both equally.

Dr. Patel:
I will not tolerate this business from you any longer. You have one more interview tomorrow morning, and if I hear from Dr. Wein that you are anything short of spectacular, I'll completely cut you off!

Kumar:
Dad, come on.

Dr. Patel:
Daddy is not coming on anything! You will be there, and you will behave. I have put too much time and energy into you to let you go and f*** it all up!

Kumar:
I can't believe you were gonna ditch for the Joy Luck Club, dude. You know what their parties are like.

Harold:
C'mon, what did you want me to say? I was under pressure.

Kumar:
Just say no. That's all it takes.

Kumar:
Here.

[hands Harold the joint]

Kumar:
Take a hit of that.

Rosenberg:
I think Kumar's a "fay-gele".

Goldstein:
Oh, they're totally gay for each other.

Rosenberg:
Hey, you wanna suck on this?

[offers Goldstein a marijuana smoking device]

Goldstein:
Uh-huh. Mmm.

Sports Punk #1:
Dude, that was so not extreme.

Cole:
I know, Extreme Sports Punk Number One... I know.

Bradley:
[Kumar trying to buy pot] Here, that's sixt--80 bucks.

Kumar:
80 bucks?

Bradley:
Yeah, 80 bucks.

Kumar:
Yo, this is worth 40 tops bro!

Bradley:
Bro? I'm not your bro, bro. Okay, and that's 80 bucks. You don't feel like getting high tonight? If you don't feel like getting high, that's cool with me because there's lots of people around here. See this guy? Hey, what's up, George? I smoke buds with George all the time.

Kumar:
What kind of a hippie are you?

Bradley:
What kind of hippie am I? Man, I'm a business hippie, I understand the concept of supply and demand.

Harold:
Dude, we're so high right now!

Kumar:
We're not low.

Kumar:
Now we're in Newark, of all places. You know we're gonna get shot.

Harold:
Maybe it's not as bad as they say. Maybe it's just a bunch of hype.

Kumar:
Check it out. Those guys look like a lame version of us.

[two guys get jumped and beaten with a 2x4 and other weapons]

Harold, Kumar:
Holy sh*t!

[assailants stop beating up the two guys, look up and pause, then continue with the assaults while the two men lay on the ground moaning]

Harold:
Let's get the f*** outta here. Go! Go! Drive! Drive!

Kumar:
Yeah, that was your fault.

Harold:
F*** you.

Kumar:
F*** you.

Burger Shack Employee:
Ding-dong! May I interject for a second? As a Burger Shack employee for the past three years, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if you're craving White Castle, the burgers here just don't cut it. In fact, just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one... Just makes me wanna burn this motherf***er down.

[he turns to his partner]

Employee:
Come on, Pookie! Let's burn this motherf***er down! [starts destroying stuff] Come on, Pookie! Let's burn it, Pookie! Let's burn this motherf***er down! Let's burn it down! Let's burn it! [calms down] So you guys maybe should just suck it up and go to White Castle.

Employee:
You guys might have wanted to stay away from our special sauce tonight. Me and Pookie, we added a secret ingredient. I'll give you a hint. It's semen.

[bursts out laughing]

Harold:
[smirks] Semen.

Employee:
Animal semen.

[Harold and Kumar scream and drive off as fast as possible]

Harold:
Are those my scissors?! Dude, I trim my noise hair with those!

Kumar:
Dude, I have been cutting my ass hair with them for the past six months.

Harold:
[riding a cheetah] Dude, am I really high, or is this actually working?

Kumar:
Both.

Goldstein:
Sorry, kids. We ain't goin' nowhere. We're watching "The Gift". Supposedly Katie Holmes shows her titties in this movie.

Harold:
Is that all you Jews ever think about? Tits?

Rosenberg:
Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl, and I'm gonna see her b*obs.

Goldstein:
The things I would eat out of her ass--you have no idea!

Rosenberg:
Argh! That is a completely vulgar statement.

Goldstein:
So is, "I wanna bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor," but it's true.

Rosenberg:
Touché.

Dr. Willoughby:
Do you actually believe that after the way you've just behaved that I would even consider recommending you for admission?

Kumar:
No. I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I'm applying is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I really don't have a desire to go to med school.

Dr. Willoughby:
But you have perfect MCAT scores.

Kumar:
Yeah, just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.

Harold:
I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat, like, 20 of those burgers, man.

Kumar:
Dude, f***in' I will see your 20 burgers and raise you 5 orders of fries.

Harold:
I want 30 sliders, 5 french fries, and 4 large Cherry Cokes.

Kumar:
I want the same, except make mine Diet Cokes, Chuck.

Harold:
Back off, cock boy. What I said him goes double for you.

J.D.:
Cock boy? You just call me cock boy?

Harold:
Yeah, you know I did. You're just stalling 'cause you're not quick enough to think of a comeback.

J.D.:
You think I'm not quick enough. Guy thinks I'm not quick enough. Well I got news for you. I am quick enough... Cock boy! [raises an index finger in a vain attempt to flip Harold off]

Kumar:
I forgot my cell phone.

Harold:
You wanna run back and get it?

[both turn and look at their front door 20 feet from them]

Kumar:
No, we've gone too far.

Freakshow:
What the hell are you doing with my wife?

Harold:
Y-you said outside that we could have sex with her!

Kumar:
Sh*t! Sh*t!

Freakshow:
I most certainly did not!

Harold:
Yes you did!

Freakshow:
Did not!

Kumar:
Yes you did!

Freakshow:
Oh, no, I didn't.

Kumar:
You did, you did.

Freakshow:
You sure?

Harold:
You said it.

Freakshow:
[laughs] My mistake. Well, since we're all here, how 'bout a four-some?

Harold:
Do you know the show Doogie Howser, M.D.?

Palumbo:
Great show. God I love that show. Doogie.

Harold:
Neil Patrick Harris stole my car tonight.

Palumbo:
Hey! NPH wouldn't do that!

Kumar:
How were Katie Holmes' tits?

Goldstein:
You know the Holocaust?

Kumar:
Yeah?

Goldstein:
Picture the opposite of that.

Kumar:
Nice!

Kumar:
[in surgery] Hang on a second, nurse. What we should probably use is marijuana. That'll sufficiently sedate the patient for surgery.

Nurse:
Marijuana? But why?

Kumar:
We don't have time for questions. We need marijuana now, as much of it as possible! Like a big bag of it.

Nurse:
But, doctor, we don't have marijuana in this hospital.

Palumbo:
What kind of name is that anyhow? Kumar? What is that 5 o's or 2 u's?

Kumar:
No, it's actually one "u".

Palumbo:
Yeah, bullshit.

Kumar:
[whispers] Dude, look at that boil on his neck, it's pulsating!

Harold:
[whispers] Shut up, dude. He probably heard what you just said.

Kumar:
No, he can't. Look at it now! Pus is coming out!

Harold:
[looks at Freakshow's neck] Ugh!

Kumar:
Isn't that the sickest thing you've ever seen?

Harold:
Just shut up! He's right next to me. He can hear me talking to you He probably heard this whole conversation!

Kumar:
No, he didn't. He can't hear anything with all that crust in his ear.

[long awkward pause]

Freakshow:
[low voice] I heard everything you said.

[Later, at Freakshow's house]

Freakshow:
It's gonna take me awhile to fix your car...so if you want, you can go inside, get something to drink, wash up, f*** my wife, watch TV, anything you want. Mi casa es su casa. Just don't do anything the Good Lord wouldn't do.

Kumar:
So where you going to go now, Neil?

Harris:
[puts on sunglasses] Wherever God takes me.

[he sets off]