Hi Honey, I'm Home

Elaine Duff:
Nice house you got here.

Lloyd Neilson:
Yeah, we couldn't decide on a house or a condom.

Honey Neilson:
We are the Neilsons from "Hi Honey, I'm Home." We were sent here by the S.R.P.

Mike Duff:
S.R.P.?

Honey Neilson:
Sitcom Relocation Program.

[Skunk and Eliane are figthing]

Sidney "Skunk" Duff #1:
Elaine!

Elaine Duff #1:
Don't call me that!

Sidney "Skunk" Duff #1:
MOM!

Elaine Duff #1:
...Don't call me that either...

Babs Nielson:
Mum, I think we can trust him, he's kinda cute. In a goofy sorta way.

Elaine Duff:
Honey?

Honey Nielsen:
Yes?

Elaine Duff:
I want to tell you a story.

Honey Nielsen:
I love stories.

Elaine Duff:
It's about 2 women who live next door to each other.

Honey Nielsen:
Like us?

Elaine Duff:
Right! You and me. And one of them had a son who spent all of his time at the other one's house.

Honey Nielsen:
Like us!

Elaine Duff:
Right! You and me! And that mother plied that boy with turkey and snicker doodles and all of his favorite things and made his mother look like Doodie.

Honey Nielsen:
Howdy doodie?

Elaine Duff:
No such luck!

Honey Nielsen:
Oh, pooh! Elaine, I never meant to intrude but you just always seem so busy.

Elaine Duff:
Yeah, I'm working.

Honey Nielsen:
Well, if that's all it is, why not just give up your job?

Elaine Duff:
Now, why didn't I think of doing that? Just one thing. Who's gonna pay the rent?

Honey Nielsen:
Oh! Well, I know. Maybe you can just cut out some of those pesky evening activities.

Elaine Duff:
I go to meetings and rallies to try to make this world a better place for my boys. Look, Honey, I do my best. I really do. And I wish I could spend more time with my kids but guess what. Lately, when I try to make time, they're not interested.

Honey Nielsen:
Oh, Elaine.

Elaine Duff:
Oh, I don't know. Maybe Skunk is a lost cause but Mike used to be my best pal ever since his father left us and it hurts me that he wants to spend his birthday with you and not me.

Honey Nielsen:
[starts to cry] Oh, Elaine. I'm so sorry.

Honey Nielsen:
Oh, geez, this isn't your fault.

Honey Nielsen:
[crying] Oh, yes it is! I never knew. But now I do. I really do. Oh, you must think I'm nothing but a... a home wrecker!

Elaine Duff:
No, you're not, Honey!

Honey Nielsen:
[crying] Don't look at me. I don't deserve it.

Elaine Duff:
Honey! Cookie? Oh boy, I'm gonna be late for work. I better get that. Are you gonna be OK?

Honey Nielsen:
Oh, yes! I feel so much better now that we've had this little talk and Elaine, I promise you everything is gonna be all right. I know it is. [Elaine leaves for work] Because I'm gonna make it all right.

Mike Duff:
Look, please don't tell anyone because I promised I would never tell anyone and the Nielsens are not real people. They're characters.

Elaine Duff:
You're telling me.

Mike Duff:
TV characters! Mom, they were a sitcom in the 50s and when they went off the air, they were sent here to New Jersey.

Elaine Duff:
What the hell are you talking about?

Mike Duff:
Mom, they live in black and white except when they're turnerized. They're friends are Lenny and Squeaky and Grandpa Munster. I've seen them. And now that's all over and tomorrow they're gonna be beaned back into that TV and out of my life forever.

Elaine Duff:
[while she and Honey fight about her suspicions that Skunk was involved in the Chucky's Johnson Heist] How dare you come into my home without proof and accuse my son of aiding in a betting that little snot nose of yours?

Honey Nielsen:
Don't you dare call my son a snot nose!

Elaine Duff:
And don't you dare call my son a thief!

Honey Nielsen:
You call him worse things than that, don't you?

Elaine Duff:
I'm his mother! I can call him anything I want!

Honey Nielsen:
Some mother you must me! Any mother in that voice handy picked up on the street!

Elaine Duff:
And who voted you mother of the year? When was the last time you were at a school board meeting? Huh? And when did you stand up to protect your child's right to read?

Honey Nielsen:
Oh, get off your high horse, missy! You're always yak, yak, yaking about how to make the world a better place for our children! Meanwhile, your son is going to heck in a handbasket!

Elaine Duff:
My kid is my responsibility, not yours! Now take a hike, Betty Crocker!

Honey Nielsen:
With pleasure! [leaves]

Honey Neilson:
[When she, Lloyd and Elaine are punishing their youngest sons for ripping off the Johnsons] How long do you think it will take them to work off 200 dollars?

Elaine Duff:
I don't know. It's a lot of lawns to mow.

Honey Nielsen:
[crying after she and Lloyd send Chucky to his room] That poor boy. He's got the weight of the world on his shoulders. [doorbell rings] I'll... I'll...

Lloyd Nielsen:
I'll get it. Let's get our hands on the kid who put him up to this. But who could be so low, so twisted, so deceitful? [Skunk enters] Hi, Skunk.

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
Yo, Mrs. N. My mom wants to borrow some oven cleaners.

Chucky Nielsen:
Hi, Fellas! What are you playing?

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
It's a game, Chucky. A game for 2 people. Get the picture?

Chucky Nielsen:
Hey, I thought we were friends.

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
Where did you get that idea?

Chucky Nielsen:
I proved myself.

D.B.:
You got caught!

Chucky Nielsen:
But I didn't rat on you, did I?

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
Like anybody would believe a geek like you.

Chucky Nielsen:
You know, you're nothing but a dirty rotten liar, Skunk!

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
You can leave anytime.

Chucky Nielsen:
And you can kiss your skyhooks goodbye! [puts them in the microwave]

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
[starts to attack Chucky] What do you think you're doing? That's it! You're dead meat Nielsen!

Elaine Duff:
[after overhearing the whole thing] No, you're dead meat, Duff! Chucky, D.B., go home now. The shoes stay here.

D.B.:
What? Do you want me to walk home in my socks?

Elaine Duff:
Watch out for broken glass. [to Skunk after Chucky and D.B. leave] So, what do you have to say for yourself?

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
Well, you see, Mr. Johnson's stokes bought me so I...

Elaine Duff:
Give it up, Skunk! I know you ripped off the Johnsons.

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
OK, but I saved you 100 bucks! That's a lot of fish sticks!

Elaine Duff:
You're busted kid!

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
So, ground me for a week, take away my allowance, the usual drill, right?

Elaine Duff:
Wrong!

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
Then, what?

Elaine Duff:
I think it's time you go live with your father.

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
You're kidding, right?

Elaine Duff:
I can't control you anymore, Skunk!

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
OK, mom, chill!

Elaine Duff:
No, you chill! I don't think you get it! We're not talking about candy bars or soda anymore, Skunk! You broke into the neighbors' house and you robbed them! You dragged poor Chucky into it and then you looked me straight in the eye and you lied to me! How could you do that? I said, "How could you do that?"!

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
It's not like you care what I do. You're never around.

Elaine Duff:
Yeah, you're right. I've heard that before. I have done a terrible job with you, Skunk. Maybe your father can do better than me.

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
Him? The man's hopeless! He can't even keep goldfish alive!Do you want me to die?

Elaine Duff:
You're always telling me how much you want to go live with him!

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
I was just saying that. I didn't mean it.

Elaine Duff:
Well, I do! I get your stuff!

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
No!

Elaine Duff:
Get your stuff!

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
Mom, I don't...

Elaine Duff:
Get your stuff!

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
Please, Mom. Don't kick me out.

Elaine Duff:
Oh god! What am I gonna do with you?

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
I don't know. Couldn't we at least think about it for a couple of years please?

Elaine Duff:
I'm not kidding! This is it this time! You stay here, you live by my rules!

Sidney 'Skunk' Duff:
I know.

Elaine Duff:
And go to your room, right now! We'll talk about your punishment later.