Hitch

Alex Hitch Hitchens:
Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away.

Alex Hitch Hitchens:
Never lie, steal, cheat or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

Alex Hitch Hitchens:
One dance, one look, one kiss, that's all we get, Albert. Just... one shot, to make the difference between happily ever after, and oh? he's just some guy I went to some thing with once.

Albert:
You can't stop it...

Albert:
You cannot stop it...

Albert:
I want to jump in front of every cab I see, because maybe then I'll stop thinking about her.

Alex Hitch Hitchens:
Lean in, place your hand on the small of her back, say it in her ear like a secret. But watch your hand placement, too high says, ?I just wanna be friends?, too low says, ?I just wanna grab some ass?.

Albert:
Okay. Friends. Ass. Me.

Alex Hitch Hitchens:
Because that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise. you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump? But here I am, Sarah, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly... is you.

Alex Hitch Hitchens:
Basic principles, there are none.

Albert:
You know what it's like getting up every morning? Feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man. But, at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you.

Alex Hitch Hitchens:
Get out.

Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away.

Relationships are for people who are just waiting for something better to come along.

One dance, one look, one kiss, that's all we get, Albert. Just *one shot* to make the difference between happily-ever-after, and oh-he's-just-some-guy-I-went-to-some-thing-with-once.

Albert:
You know, honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. You know? I swear I'm going out of my mind. It's like I want to throw myself off of every building in New York. I see a cab and I just wanna dive in front of it because then I'll stop thinking about her.

Hitch:
Look, you will. Just give it time.

Albert:
That's just it. I don't want to. I mean, I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then… well, this is who I have to be.

So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows… but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you're enjoying your life, and the next you're wondering how you ever lived without them.

Hitch:
Look, you will. Just give it time.

Albert:
That's just it. I don't want to. I mean, I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then… well, this is who I have to be.

You know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man? But, at the same time, hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you? Hitch:
Look, you will. Just give it time.

Albert:
That's just it. I don't want to. I mean, I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then… well, this is who I have to be.

Like I always tell my clients – begin each day as if it were on purpose.Albert:
That's just it. I don't want to. I mean, I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then… well, this is who I have to be.

Like I always tell my clients – begin each day as if it were on purpose.

Any guy can sweep any girl off her feet, he just needs the right broom.

Hitch:
Now, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But, on the other hand, should that be your problem?

Sara:
So life's kind of hard all around.

Hitch:
Not if you pay attention. I mean, you're sending all the right signals – no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back, you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it. And if that wasn't clear enough, there's always the "f*** off" sign that you have stamped on your forehead.

I'm a guy. Since when do we get anything right the first time?

Hitch:
Heard of Michelangelo? Heard of the Sistine Chapel?

Albert:
Yeah?

[Points at himself]

Hitch:
Michelangelo.

[Points at Albert]

Hitch:
Sistine Chapel.

Albert:
So you're saying you can make this work?

Hitch:
My name is Alex Hitchens. Let's go paint that ceiling.

When your wondering what to say, or how you look… just remember… she is already out with you. That means, she said yes, when she could've said no. That means she made a plan… when she could've just blown you off. So that means it is no longer you job to make her like you… It's is your job NOT TO MESS IT UP.

-Hitch

There is more to life than to watch other people live it.-Max

[to Albert] I need you to wrap your head around this. Tonight, Allegra Cole may get her *last* first kiss.

-Hitch

Because thats what people do… they leap and hope to God they can fly! Because otherwise, we just drop like a rock… wondering the whole way down…"why in the hell did I jump?" But here I am Sarah, falling. And there's only one person that makes me feel like I can fly… That's you.

-Hitch

Hitch:
Love is my life.

Albert:
No, love is your job!

I just know that I want to be… miserable. Like, *really* miserable. But hey, if that's what it takes for me to be happy, then… wait, that didn't come out right.

-Hitch

Sara:
What should we toast to?

Hitch:
Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

Sara:
Relationships are for people who are just waiting for something better to come along.

Max:
There is more to life than to watch other people live it.

Sarah:
“Maybe it’s like what you said, we should both go our separate ways and then we will do just fine.”

Hitch:
“What if fine isn’t good enough? What if I want extraordinary?”

Sarah:
“No such thing”

Hitch:
“I’m just as scared as you are Sarah. But I am right here, and our time is right now!”

Sarah:
“Oh yeah but what about before?”

Hitch:
“Sarah I am a guy. Since when do we get anything right the first time?… I don’t know who this guy is nor do I care, but I do know that he will never feel about you the way I do."

Hitch:
Allegra? As in "Allegra Cole"?

Albert:
I realize I'm not her usual kinda guy.

Hitch:
Well her last boyfriend like... owned Sweden, or something!

Albert:
Yeah, and he was a bum.... I mean he didn't seem like a very nice person... to me.

Hitch:
You... you swing for the fence!

Hitch:
You are flat out, out of your mind, you know that?

Albert:
I know.

Hitch:
That's good!

Albert:
It is?

Hitch:
Yeah. You ever heard of Michelangelo? The Sistine Chapel?

Albert:
Yeah.

Hitch:
[Gestures towards himself] Michelangelo. [Gestures towards Albert] The Sistine Chapel.

Albert:
Does this mean you can do this?

Hitch:
My name's Alex Hitchens. Let's go paint that ceiling.

Max:
Spoken like a true cynic. Evan was here

Sara:
I'm not a cynic, I'm a realist!

Max:
Or a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist. What are you doing here? [to the room] What is she doing here?

Sara:
SHE works here, remember?!

Max:
No, she doesn't. Not for another four days. Go home.

Sara:
Well, this couldn't wait.

Max:
Of course it could... what are you doing? Go back to the beach, I don't want you here.

Sara:
No, really, you do.

Max:
You are becoming a sick workaholic lunatic.. and this is exactly the kind of nervous overwrought behavior that leads to...

Sara:
... Pictures of Sebby with a busty brunette.

Max:
... A very, very big raise.

Sara:
What's your name?

Chip:
They call me Chip.

Sara:
Aw, you can't get 'em to stop?

Hitch:
Now, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But, on the other hand, should that be your problem?

Sara:
So life's kind of hard all around.

Hitch:
Not if you pay attention. I mean, you're sending all the right signals - no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back, you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it. And if that wasn't clear enough, there's always the "f*** off" that you have stamped on your forehead. because who is going to believe there is a man out there that can sit down beside a woman he doesn't know and genuinely be interested in who she is, what she does, without his own personal agenda?

Sara:
Yeah, I wouldn't even know what that would look like. So what would a guy like that say?

Hitch:
Well, he'd say, "My name is Alex Hitchens and I'm a consultant," but she wouldn't be interested in that because she would be just counting the seconds until he left...

Sara:
... Thinking he was like every other guy...

Hitch:
... Which life experience has taught her is a virtual certainty... but then he'd ask her name, and what she did for a living and she might blow him off, or she might say... ?

Sara:
"I'm Sara Melas and I run the gossip column at The Standard." Then he would ask all these penetrating questions about it because he's sincerely, if atypically, interested...

Hitch:
No.

Sara:
No?

Hitch:
He'd be interested... but he would see that there was no way of possibly making her realize, that he was for real.

Sara:
Ah...He could be funny, and charming, and refreshingly original.

Hitch:
Wouldn't help.

Sara:
Don't ya hate it when that happens?

Hitch:
Not really... they'd probably both lead the lives they were headed toward, and my guess is... they'd do just fine. It's a pleasure to have met you, Sara Melas.

Hitch:
So, tell me about her.

Vance:
Have you ever met someone, and you knew right away she was gonna be important to you? Not just because of her looks, but that X factor?

Hitch:
How'd you meet her?

Vance:
Actually, I was in a shop buying pajamas for my mom-

Hitch:
And by that, of course, you mean you were buying lingerie for another woman.

Vance:
Yes. You can't help where you meet somebody. And the lingerie is for a woman I'm no longer seeing... But anyway, the girl I met, the one I was talking about... She's so sweet, funny, Southern. She gives me her number... Now she won't return my phone calls. I don't know what it is about her. I just can't get her out of my mind. You know? Food has lost its taste. Colors, they seem dull. Things that used to matter... I don't know, they just no longer do. I think things aren't gonna snap back unless I... Unless I bang her.

Hitch:
...Excuse me?

Vance:
You know, bang her. Clear my head. Get in, get off, get out.

Hitch:
...I think you may have misunderstood what I do, exactly.

Vance:
[taken back] No, I was told that you help guys get in there!

Hitch:
Right, but see, here's the thing - my clients actually like women. "Hit it and quit it" is not my thing.

Vance:
Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi, I need professional help.

Hitch:
Well, that is for damn certain. And I'm glad you can admit it because generally, that's the hardest part.

Vance:
[grabs Hitch by the wrist] You see what I'm doing? This is what I'm about - power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.

Hitch:
[not intimidated] Oh! So that's, like, a metaphor?

Vance:
Oh, yeah.

Hitch:
Right. Well, see, I'm more of a literal kind of guy. So when I do this... [he reverses the grip, twists Vance's arm back and slams him on the table] This is more like me saying that I will literally break your sh*t off if you ever touch me again. Mmkay, pumpkin?

Max:
You sure you want to do this?

Sara:
Why wouldn't I?

Max:
Louise made an interesting observation on the way home the other night; She said, "People who are guarded are afraid that you can see right through them. That's why they hide behind layers of secrecy or humor."

Sara:
He'll have to hide behind a lot more than that once this hits the fan.

Max:
She meant you.

Sara:
My job is to try to find the truth!

Hitch:
The truth?! You wouldn't know the truth if it kicked you in the head!

Sara:
Why don't you go hit a titty bar with your buddy, Vance?

Hitch:
...Wow, I don't believe this... That's your source?

Sara:
You buried yourself, Alex.

Hitch:
Then you weren't listening.

Sara:
I heard every word. You're a scam artist. You trick women into getting...

Hitch:
... Into getting out of their own way so great guys like Albert Brennaman have a fighting chance.

Speed Dating Host:
Ok...

Hitch:
No, no, I want -— [gestures at speed-dating scene] I want everybody to take a look at this right now! Because this — this right here — this is exactly why falling in love is so goddamn hard!

Speed Dating Host:
Sir, let's go. Now.

Hitch:
[while leaving] And Vance Munson is a pig! And I refused to work with him. You need to get your facts right. It's because of jerks like him that I even have a job! Had a job.

Sara:
[to Casey, scoffing] Can you believe that guy?

Casey:
[serious] Actually... I do.

[Albert is holding a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts]

Hitch:
What you got there?

Albert:
This? I figured maybe if my heart stops beating, it wouldn't hurt so much.

Hitch:
[about Albert] That man would've sold his soul to make you happy!

Allegra:
So what does that make you? The Devil?

Hitch:
My job is not to deceive, Miss Cole. It's to create opportunities.

Allegra:
Like the boardroom.

Hitch:
Would you have noticed him otherwise?

Allegra:
Yes!

Hitch:
Really?

Allegra:
Eventually... maybe... how did you know all that stuff about me? Well, you really did your homework... like at boarding school, how everyone would tease me because I couldn't whistle, and telling him to dance like a buffoon knowing I can't dance either, then telling him to drop mustard on his shirt so I'd feel like less of a dork... that was all you... right?

Hitch:
No... hell, no!

Allegra:
That was him?

Hitch:
That's got Albert written all over it.

Allegra:
Did you put him up to the inhaler?

Hitch:
Stop it... he did not show you that?

Allegra:
He chucked it right before he kissed me.

Hitch:
So wait... that... that stuff worked for you?

Allegra:
It was adorable... what did you do?

Hitch:
Nothing... Absolutely nothing.

Sara:
So, you kinda like me, huh?

Hitch:
No. I love you.

What if good isn’t good enough, what if you want great?

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens:
Do you know the definition of "perseverance," Miss Melas? Continuing in a course of action... without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens:
Begin each day as if it were on purpose.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens:
So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows... but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you're enjoying your life, and the next you're wondering how you ever lived without them.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens:
Basic Principles - no woman wakes up saying "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today." Now, she might say: "This is a really bad time for me," or, something like... "I just need some space." Or, my personal favorite: "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? 'Cause she's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying. It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is "Uh, get away from me now." Or possibly "Try harder, stupid." Well which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal. Body language; 30% is your tone. So that means 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you. She's a nice person. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic Principles - no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens:
With no guile, and no game... there’s no girl

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens:
I'm like a vault baby, locked down!

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens:
I saw that going differently in my mind.

Sara Melas:
Give me a ring... sometime. [Laughs] I mean, on the phone.

Sara Melas:
Can you believe what a beautiful day it is?

Sara Melas:
Sometimes it's really hard to see the forest through the sleaze.

Albert:
I've waited my entire life to be this miserable.

Albert:
[showing Hitch his dance moves] Do the Q-tip! Q-tip! Now throw it away! Now what am I doing? I'm makin a pizza!