Hot in Cleveland

[repeated line]

Joy Scroggs:
[to Melanie] You're such a little slut.

Joy Scroggs:
Let's kill him!

[first lines]

Melanie Moretti:
Morning, ladies. What's up?

Mamie:
Elka's teaching me how to flirt. Right now we're in a happening night spot, and I'm dressed very provocatively.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Excuse me, is this seat taken?

Mamie:
Have we started, or are you really asking?

Elka Ostrovsky:
You see what I'm up against?

Victoria Chase:
Good morning, ladies.

Melanie Moretti:
Where's Oscar?

Victoria Chase:
Unpacking.

Mamie:
Oscar? Who's he?

Victoria Chase:
She. My daughter. After I had Emmy and Tony, I was determined to have an Oscar no matter what.

Melanie Moretti:
Oscar's been studying journalism in London for the last two years; now she works for NPR.

Victoria Chase:
And she's here to do a story on me.

Melanie Moretti:
Actually, it's a story about *us*, moving from LA to Cleveland.

Victoria Chase:
It's about second acts in life, and how I moved here and reinvented myself.

Melanie Moretti:
*We* reinvented ourselves!

Victoria Chase:
I hope that's not the selfish tone you're going to take in the interview.

Joy Scroggs:
[looking at a man with a dog] You know, I rather like a vet's office. I rather like it a lot.

Melanie Moretti:
Ah, Joy, please don't.

Mamie:
What's she doing?

Melanie Moretti:
Something happens to Joy when she sees a man bringing a pet to a doctor; it's her love kryptonite.

Joy Scroggs:
It shows they're sensitive, committed, responsible, yet somehow still men.

Elka Ostrovsky:
[about Joy] Just copy everything she does.

Mamie:
I don't think I could pull off that skirt.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Many have.

Sally:
While we're waiting for the doctor, I could get the rest of that suit off you.

Sean:
You mean 'soot'?

Sally:
That too.

[last lines]

Doctor Hill:
Oh, Mamie, you're always such a shameless flirt. May I be forward with you?

Mamie:
Please.

Doctor Hill:
What are you doing Saturday night?

Mamie:
I'm having dinner with a tall, handsome doctor.

Doctor Hill:
[disappointed] Oh.

Mamie:
It's you!

Doctor Hill:
It's me?

Mamie:
It's you. [to the others over his shoulder as they hug] See, that's how it's done.

Sean:
Nice meeting you all. Got to get back to the firehouse.

Joy Scroggs:
Wait. Um... I was wondering... what are you doing Saturday night?

Sean:
Actually, I have a date with a lovely brunette.

Joy Scroggs:
What? [mutters] I'll kill her!

Sean:
Sorry, I was trying to be clever. I was talking about you.

Victoria Chase:
Do you want this puppy?

Oscar:
Oh. Is NPR sponsored by the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation? [everyone looks blank] Boy, nobody listens to NPR, do they?

Sally:
So, how 'bout you? How'd you do with the fireman?

Joy Scroggs:
We have a date.

Sally:
I give it six months.

Sally:
[ecstatic] Really?

[first lines]

Elka Ostrovsky:
Look at our baby; he's so depressed.

Melanie Moretti:
Maybe we should just take him back to the vet.

Joy Scroggs:
No, the vet said he was fine physically.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Well, maybe he's just sad because Joy looks like a bone he can't chew on.

Victoria Chase:
Or maybe because for every one of our years he ages seven. That would depress the hell out of me.

Joy Scroggs:
[about the dog] Maybe there's something we can do to cheer him up. What do I do when I need cheering up?

Elka Ostrovsky:
He can't do that, Joy. He's been fixed.

Dr. Deb:
This is a very unusual family arrangement you have here; I mean, three grown sisters living with their mother.

Elka Ostrovsky:
[pointing at Joy] Oh, she's not our mother.

Milo:
Better get going, Dr. Deb; we have an appointment with a private client.

Dr. Deb:
Yes, yes. If you ladies will excuse me, I need to see a horse about a man.

Melanie Moretti:
I thought you guys were supposed to be getting along.

Joy Scroggs:
We tried all morning not to snipe at each other, and knowing we can't snipe at each other only made us snipe at each other more.

Melanie Moretti:
Well, you can't run away from the problem.

Joy Scroggs:
The problem is 92 years old; I think I can.

Melanie Moretti:
[to radio caller] Why don't you just cut the guy some slack? And if you have to criticize him, do it *after* sex. That way he associates criticism with pleasure.

[last lines]

Joy Scroggs:
Hey, if we didn't depress George, we didn't do anything wrong. We can go back to the way things were. Go on, I'll buy you a cup of coffee, you old biddy.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Coffee with a tart. Sounds good to me.

Melanie Moretti:
Those cute Van Halen boys, they were Hot For Teacher, but they hated Sammy Hagar.

[first lines]

Victoria Chase:
[a police siren is heard approaching] Huh. Wonder what that's about.

Elka Ostrovsky:
[entering] I'm not here.

Joy Scroggs:
Wait. The police are looking for you?

Elka Ostrovsky:
[the siren fades into the distance] What police?

Melanie Moretti:
Hey, guys, guess what? It's our birthday in two weeks!

Joy Scroggs:
You're kidding.

Elka Ostrovsky:
You all have birthdays on the same day?

Victoria Chase:
No no no, but we decided that, seeing as birthdays are so generally unpleasant...

Melanie Moretti:
Depressing, scary...

Joy Scroggs:
Drunk and hazy...

Victoria Chase:
We decided that we'd just celebrate ours all together on a neutral day. And that way, we don't have to acknowledge the day that we actually get older.

Joy Scroggs:
It works great; I really don't know how old I am.

Joy Scroggs:
I get disgusting comments and lewd gestures like ten times a day. It is fantastic!

Elka Ostrovsky:
I'm a little nervous. Or maybe it's just staring at that rat's nest that Joy calls a hairdo. It's so unsettling.

Joy Scroggs:
Your nerves are making you unpleasant.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Yes, but I can fix that by finishing this wine. You're still stuck with that hair.

Joy Scroggs:
That's not your joke, Elka; that's Winston Churchill's.

Elka Ostrovsky:
It's not stealing if you were there.

Elka Ostrovsky:
The truth is I'm a great driver, but sometimes I like to drive *real* slow, just to mess with people.

[last lines]

Melanie Moretti:
So, Elka, when are you going to make it official?

Elka Ostrovsky:
Oh, that's over. We started having problems.

Melanie Moretti:
What happened?

Elka Ostrovsky:
Well, we got along fine but... he wouldn't go downtown. If you know what I mean. [the three girls are stunned] What! I mean there are so many good restaurants and, and shops downtown. [the three laugh, relieved] I can't give that up!

Victoria Chase:
Why should you?

Elka Ostrovsky:
[going to answer the door] What did you think I was talking about?

Joy Scroggs:
So you meant shops.

Melanie Moretti:
Nothing, nothing at all.

Carl:
Hi.

Elka Ostrovsky:
M-Max.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Listen, Elka, I don't want to lose you, so if you're still up for it, I'm willing to try going downtown.

Elka Ostrovsky:
You are?

Carl:
Yes. Just hope I don't get lost down there.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Oh, you won't. I have no trouble telling you where to go.

Carl:
It's just that it's so dark and scary there.

Melanie Moretti:
Happy birthday.

Joy Scroggs:
Happy birthday.

Victoria Chase:
Happy birthday.

[first lines]

Melanie Moretti:
Well, cross another thing off my bucket list. I have been to a nude beach.

Victoria Chase:
I didn't know Cleveland had a nude beach.

Melanie Moretti:
It has one more than it should.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Who said I wouldn't run into anyone I knew there?

Melanie Moretti:
Elka, I'm sorry; how was I to know that your butcher was going to be at a nude beach?

Elka Ostrovsky:
I'll never be able to order kielbasa from that man again.

Joy Scroggs:
I never told you this, but when I first came to America, I auditioned for the Rockettes. Huh. Only I froze. I couldn't get my legs into the air.

Elka Ostrovsky:
You sure got over that one.

Melanie Moretti:
I love being Scarlet DeNeuve. You know that Scarlet got invited into the cockpit on the plane. And joined the Mile High Club.

Joy Scroggs:
You had sex with the pilot?

Melanie Moretti:
Wait, that's what that means? I thought Mile High Club was when they gave you these little plastic wings.

Victoria Chase:
Oh, Maddie, can you ever forgive me?

Maddie Banks:
Yes, I can forgive you, Victoria. You were awful to me.

Victoria Chase:
Yeah.

Maddie Banks:
And I was awful to you. And you know what we call that in the theater? Friendship.

[last lines]

Joy Scroggs:
What are these?

Maddie Banks:
Oh, Professor Knoll must of left his signs.

Joy Scroggs:
Yeah. [reads] "More wine, please." "You were wonderful in that." "You deserve the Tony."

Maddie Banks:
Aw, that ones for me.

Joy Scroggs:
"You should win an Oscar."

Victoria Chase:
Aw, that one's for me

Joy Scroggs:
"I still think about our night together."

Victoria Chase, Maddie Banks:
Awwww!

Sean:
Joy didn't mention you were an actress.

Victoria Chase:
But then what do you guys talk about?

Elka Ostrovsky:
You've seen him shirtless. Why would they talk?

Sean:
Are you a Star Trek fan?

Joy Scroggs:
I've actually never seen a Star Trek movie.

Sean:
Wow. We're going to change that tonight. I'm going to boldly go where no man has gone before.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Unlikely.

[first lines]

Victoria Chase, Elka Ostrovsky, Mamie:
[looking at a shirtless Sean holding a baby] Aaaaaaawww.

Joy Scroggs:
See, just like the calendar. Okay, Sean, put your shirt back on.

Victoria Chase, Elka Ostrovsky, Mamie:
Aaww.

Joy Scroggs:
Thanks for being such a good sport.

Victoria Chase:
Yeah, and for teaching us that other thing.

Sean:
Baby CPR.

Victoria Chase:
Yes, that. Now if any baby faints when they hear that I'm dating Sir Emmet Lawson, I'll know how to revive them.

Sean:
You're dating Emmet Lawson the movie star?

Victoria Chase:
How did you drag that out of me?

[last lines]

Melanie Moretti:
You are amazing.

Alec:
So, is this your fantasy?

Melanie Moretti:
It's better than a fantasy. It's real.

[first lines]

Joy Scroggs:
[plumping a cushion] Simon is going to be here any minute, and these pillows are flat!

Elka Ostrovsky:
Well, if he's turned off by flat things...

Melanie Moretti:
[warningly] Elka, not today. She's very nervous. Joy, honey, you have got to calm down.

Joy Scroggs:
I can't. I'm nervous enough that Simon's coming to see me, but he's also meeting his son and his grandson for the first time. I know it's silly of me to hope, but what if it all works out? We could be a real family. Maybe even a perfect family.

Melanie Moretti:
Well, no family is perfect.

Joy Scroggs:
We'll be. Caroling on Christmas Eve in our matching sweaters. People will look at us and say, "Why can't we be happy like them?" And we'll smile as the spirit of Christmas is replaced by envy in their hearts.

Elka Ostrovsky:
And I thought Melanie was the one with the brain tumor.

Melanie Moretti:
I'm sure pre-schools were different in your day.

Elka Ostrovsky:
My pre-school was a box. My teacher was a potato. And winter came... and I had to eat my teacher!

Simon:
Look, we might not be the first family that started out with a broken condom behind the bins of a fish 'n' chip shop, but we can be the best.

Owen:
You seem like a decent guy now, but it's hard to get over all those awful things you've done.

Simon:
Abandoning your mother.

Owen:
Yeah. And the drug dealing. And the arson.

Simon:
What! I never did those things!

Joy Scroggs:
When I first met Owen, I may have told him a few white lies, so he'd hate you as much as I did. Plus, I'd just shot him, and I wanted him to be on *my* side.

Simon:
You *shot* him?

Owen:
You lied to me!

Joy Scroggs:
Hah, look at us. Oh, we may have just met, but we already have a lot of baggage. We *are* a real family.

[last lines]

Simon:
You know, I never thought I'd say this, but... d'you want to go to bed, grandma?

Joy Scroggs:
I sure would, grandpa.

Simon:
Worst dirty talk ever.

Joy Scroggs:
Oh, shut up and kiss me.

[first lines]

Victoria Chase:
Oh, hi, Ohio. I'm Victoria Chase, and this exceedingly handsome blue-eyed gentleman is Dave...

Dave:
Selleck.

Victoria Chase:
Selleck. Yeah, head of the Community Gardens project.

Dave:
Uh, we're taking abandoned downtown real estate and using it to teach inner-city kids what it takes to grow food.

Victoria Chase:
Excellent. Now, I-I don't know if you're familiar with my reporting, but uh, I'm rather famous for saying what the viewers are thinking. And clearly what the viewers are thinking is: do you ever have the urge to remove your flannel shirt?

Dave:
Excuse me?

Victoria Chase:
Well, you know, like you're out on a tractor and the sun is beating down on your powerful shoulders and, you know, you're kind of slick with man-sweat and you think "Ah, what the heck!" and you just whip it off.

Dave:
Ah... no.

Victoria Chase:
You ought to try it sometime.

Max:
Elka, I can't be alone in Florida; the women are all over me. I'm like a Cheeto in a flock of seagulls.

Joy Scroggs:
What's that stuff?

Melanie Moretti:
It's *mock* macaroni and cheese. And the beauty of it: there's no macaroni, and no cheese.

Joy Scroggs:
Yes, nothing ruins macaroni and cheese like macaroni and cheese.

Joy Scroggs:
You know, they say if you love something, set it free. But I've never understood that. I say if you love something lock it in the basement and feed it through a slot in the door until it loves you back.

[last lines]

Victoria Chase:
My hot gardener went back to his ex-wife.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Those first wives'll get you every time.

Victoria Chase:
Yeah. Well, I'll get over it, but... he was a good man. And God, could he fill a pair of jeans. Now, he had a butt like two scoops of ice cream.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Max too. Soft serve, but the same idea.

Joy Scroggs:
I don't care how hot he is, I could never date a do-gooder. They're always so into nature. And eventually that leads to camping. And the next thing you know you're doing that walk of shame into the woods with a rough brown roll of eco-friendly Toilet paper.

[first lines]

Joy Scroggs:
Say 'Nana'. Say 'Nana', Wilbur, 'Nana'.

Elka Ostrovsky:
It's official. Men of *all* ages ignore you.

Joy Scroggs:
Look, some of the other babies in Wilbur's play group have already started talking. Actually, I was getting a little embarrassed so I knocked a few months off his age.

Mamie-Sue Johnson:
You lied about a baby's age?

Victoria Chase:
Ah, I wish my mother had done that for me. But, no... I'm a self-made thirty-something.

Melanie Moretti:
How do I look?

Elka Ostrovsky:
You're giving off a Joy vibe.

Melanie Moretti:
Oh no, I don't want to look that slutty.

Melanie Moretti:
I'm just a nice, ordinary girl who wants a nice, ordinary orgasm.

Alec:
[in their office] You faked it with me? Both times? Lock the door!

Melanie Moretti:
Wait! Here, now?

Alec:
Well, we can't go to my place; the workmen are still repairing the hole you kicked in the wall.

Melanie Moretti:
Anyway, I want to look a little slutty. Tonight's the big night with Alec. And it has to be perfect. *I* have to be perfect. So I spent all day getting prepped, and tweezed, and waxed. My whole body's as smooth as a porpoise. [Emmet has entered] Oh, hi. Emmet. I didn't know you were here.

Emmet:
No need for embarrassment. Go on, you were saying: you're as smooth as a porpoise.

Melanie Moretti:
Men like that, right?

Emmet:
Well, it all depends. Sometimes you like the tightly mown lawn of an English country garden, and sometimes you like the steamy jungle of the Amazon rain forest.

Melanie Moretti:
Oh no! What if Alec's an Amazon guy, and I destroyed the rain forest?

Emmet:
Men are not nearly as judgmental as you think. We care more about response, and enthusiasm. If you like the show, let us know.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Especially if you want an encore.

Victoria Chase:
You fake porned him?

Melanie Moretti:
I fake porned him.

Joy Scroggs:
Why?

Melanie Moretti:
I-I panicked. Emmet said men like enthusiasm, so I went a little overboard. I mean, I was like someone reviewing their own business on Yelp.

Victoria Chase:
You set the sex bar way too high.

Melanie Moretti:
I know! And now he's going to expect fake porn Melanie every time; I'm going to be so busy putting on a show that I won't be able to relax and enjoy it.

Joy Scroggs:
And you can't go back; it's like tipping. Once you go thirty percent you can't go back to twenty. You have to fake your own death and find a new manicurist.

[last lines]

Joy Scroggs:
Wilbur, Nana's home. Were you a good boy for Elka and Mamie-Sue?

Mamie-Sue Johnson:
Oh, yes; we read Baby Shakespeare, listened to Baby Beethoven. I think both of them did better work as adults.

Joy Scroggs:
Wilbur, darling, say 'Nana'. Na-na.

Baby Wilbur:
Nana.

Joy Scroggs:
Did you hear that? Wilbur just said his first word. And it was Nana.

Mamie-Sue Johnson:
Well, actually his first word wa...

Elka Ostrovsky:
Zip it.

Victoria Chase:
I'm on a film mission. Now, have him do a second take.

Joy Scroggs:
Wilbur, say it again. Say 'Nana'.

Baby Wilbur:
TV.

Melanie Moretti:
Did he just say 'TV'?

Elka Ostrovsky:
I heard 'Nana'.

Baby Wilbur:
TV.

Elka Ostrovsky:
That's from Baby Shakespeare. TV or not TV.

Joy Scroggs:
Owen and I made it very clear: no TV, no processed sugar, watch your language.

Baby Wilbur:
Crap!

Elka Ostrovsky:
That is us watching our language.

Joy Scroggs:
That's it; you two are off the baby-sitting list. You are never watching Wilbur again.

Baby Wilbur:
B*tch!

Elka Ostrovsky:
I got nothing.

Elka Ostrovsky:
[to Victoria's selfish whining while Elka is in jail] You better buck up and bug down, b*tch!

[first lines]

Melanie Moretti:
You guys, the strangest thing just happened to me; I had a conversation... with a neighbor.

Joy Scroggs:
Wow! I never even saw my neighbors in L.A. Except during earthquakes.

Victoria Chase:
Yeah, sometimes we'd pull into our driveways at the same time and, as our electronic gates were opening, I'd think: "I don't even know their names, and they don't know mine." And the world was good.

Melanie Moretti:
Well, *that* was the L.A. us; here in Cleveland we're going to get to know our neighbors. In fact, I'm throwing a party. Tomorrow. Look at me being all spontaneous.

Victoria Chase:
A Japanese company wants me to do a commercial. Ah, years of honing my craft, and finally my dream is coming true.

Melanie Moretti:
Your dream is to do a Japanese commercial?

Victoria Chase:
No. To sell out for an obscene amount of money.

Melanie Moretti:
I don't want him not to like me. I like being likeable. Not to brag, but it's kinda my thing.

Victoria Chase:
Mm-hm.

Joy Scroggs:
You should be able to tolerate *someone* not liking you.

Melanie Moretti:
You're right. I mean, a ton of people don't like you and you're fine with it.

[Victoria laughs]

Melanie Moretti:
I'm, I'm going to staple my mouth shut.

Victoria Chase:
[about Joy] Now, you may not realize this, Elka, but we are in the presence of a genius. Ill-tempered, disagreeable, snarky, yes. But, I would trust her with my life and, more importantly, with my hair.

[last lines]

Victoria Chase:
[about her commercial] OK, OK, it wasn't my classiest endeavor. But just remember, it's only airing in Japan. Oh, thank God!

[Victoria's phone rings:
"Oh my God, is that Victoria Chase?"]

Victoria Chase:
It's probably my agent, calling to blow smoke up my - well, you know. [Victoria leaves]

Joy Scroggs:
When do we tell her it's all over the internet?

Melanie Moretti:
Oh, I know; I saw it too.

Elka Ostrovsky:
I posted it.

[first lines]

Political Ad:
The following is a paid political announcement. Elka Ostrovsky *seems* like a sweet old lady, but how well do we know her? We know she's been in jail. We know she was married to the mob. We know she lives with three single women. What's that about? Is this the kind of person we want approving appointees to the Municipal Utilities Commission? I don't think so. Vote Jim Powell for city council.

Councilman Powell:
I'm a disabled African-American Ohio State football hero, and I approved this message.

Nate:
Elka, as your campaign manager my first job is to go after this guy and all of his vicious, ridiculous, embarrassing lies!

Elka Ostrovsky:
There's just one problem. All that stuff is true.

Nate:
OK, we'll just add that to the equation. You now have a point zero zero one percent chance of winning this election.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Is everything all ready?

Nate:
Yup, all set.

[the lights go down, and Victoria's dress fluoresces the words Vote Elka .com]

Elka Ostrovsky:
Who's MacGyver now?

[last lines]

Melanie Moretti:
What's wrong, sweetie?

Victoria Chase:
Apparently, years ago, when I didn't think I had a chance in hell of getting nominated for an Academy Award, I signed a rather unusual contract with the Mrs. Ladypants people. I have to wear... a Mrs. Ladypants... absorbent gown to the Oscars. Now with crystal litter-box technology.

Elka Ostrovsky:
You're gonna wear diapers to the Oscars?

Victoria Chase:
It's not diapers. It's an absorbent gown!

Mitch:
Well, look at the bright side: you won't need a seat filler if you have to go to the bathroom during the ceremonies.

Melanie Moretti:
[laughing] You're very funny.

Victoria Chase:
So what am I going to do?

Melanie Moretti:
You're going to celebrate. We're all going to celebrate. Honey, you could win an Oscar. And, Elka, you could win election.

Victoria Chase:
You know what? Melanie is right.

Mitch:
She's beautiful too. Somebody else talk.

Victoria Chase:
Yeah, I will. So here's to everyone getting exactly what they want.

[first lines]

Victoria Chase:
Mel! Your taxi's here!

Melanie Moretti:
Oh, okay, coming. [stumbles on the stairs] Oh, puppy-tails!

Victoria Chase:
Melanie, please. Language. What, is that what you're wearing on the plane?

Joy Scroggs:
Mmm, someone's looking to get bumped to first class.

Melanie Moretti:
Why, no. As soon as I get to New York, I have to rush straight to Jenna's play; I'm not going to have time to change.

Joy Scroggs:
That's a lot of boobage for your daughter's play.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Nice girls keep their cookies in a jar.

Melanie Moretti:
Yes, I know, but Jenna set me up with one of her friends' fathers and we're going out to dinner after.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Well, in that case, tits ahoy!

Joy Scroggs:
What's going on here? I thought you went to the dance with Max last night.

Elka Ostrovsky:
I did. But then Nick asked me to dance, and one thing led to another...

Victoria Chase:
You cheated on Max?

Elka Ostrovsky:
Twice! First a waltz, and then a polka!

Victoria Chase:
But that's it? You danced?

Elka Ostrovsky:
A *polka*! The Polish forbidden dance of love!

Victoria Chase:
So. Nick is *not* going to take no for an answer, huh?

Elka Ostrovsky:
No. I've never been in a triangle before. You girls are slutty; what would you do?

Joy Scroggs:
Geometry's more Victoria's specialty; she's been into triangles, squares...

Victoria Chase:
Yeah, I was almost in a hexagon once, but at the last minute the twins dropped out.

Joy Scroggs:
[about Anders] He breaks up with his bimbo, then comes running back to Melanie; that's just morally wrong. I say we kill him!

Joy Scroggs:
We can't do anything now; I mean we're in girl-friend purgatory. If we tell her to dump him and they end up getting re-married, then we're screwed. But if we don't say anything and he ends up breaking her heart again, we're screwed.

Joy Scroggs:
[Melanie has agreed to go out with Anders] We're screwed.

Victoria Chase:
Screwed, stewed and tattooed. From a Tennessee Williams play. I played Esmeralda in summer stock.

Joy Scroggs:
You know, I didn't think you'd be able to make this about yourself. I underestimated you.

Melanie Moretti:
[stumbles on the stairs] Oh, sugar-foot. I always trip on that gosh-darn step.

Victoria Chase:
Oh, it's like a Mamet play in here.

Joy Scroggs:
What's happening now?

Victoria Chase:
Oh, she's making some sappy speech, and he's overplaying it like crazy. Like one of those warm moments on 'Glee'.

Melanie Moretti:
[at the airport] Anders, Joy and Victoria told me everything. But, before you get on that airplane, I really need to tell you how I feel. You are the biggest [metal detector beeps] . You [metal detector beeps] cheated on me while we were married and then you used me to cheat on your [metal detector beeps] fiancee because you don't know what [wand beeps] you want. You are a selfish [wand beeps] who doesn't think about anybody else but himself, so you know what? You can just go [wand beeps] yourself!

Eleanor:
Really saw that going another way.

Melanie Moretti:
[stumbles walking away] Ooh, puppy-tails!

Elka Ostrovsky:
Desperate much?

Victoria Chase:
Oh, please! No one's littler than you. If I popped your head back, a Pez would fly out.

[first lines]

Joy Scroggs:
Hey, everybody. Our group birthday is coming up, and I know *exactly* who I want to be fixed up with. I met a man this year who touched me deeply.

Elka Ostrovsky:
That could be half of Cleveland.

Joy Scroggs:
It's our poetry professor, Robin York. He's so spiritual and sensitive.

Melanie Moretti:
Well, I want that guy that we met at the PetSmart Charities adoption thing; his name is Rex. Or maybe his dog's name is Rex.

Victoria Chase:
Well, now that I'm engaged, of course I don't need an actual date, which is a good thing, considering the freaks you guys have set me up with. Manboobs, conjoined twins, human tail!

Joy Scroggs:
Oh, come on, that last guy was perfect except for the tail.

Victoria Chase:
Did you hear what you just said? No no, this time I just want a business date; I really want a part in the next Wes O'Rourke movie.

Joy Scroggs:
The indie film director? He went to school with my film professor; I can make that happen.

Victoria Chase:
Excellent.

Mamie:
[knocks and enters] Knock, knock. Look what I brought.

Joy Scroggs:
Oooh, breakfast wine.

Mamie:
It's GLOB wine, which stands for Gorgeous Ladies of Bowling... wine.

Melanie Moretti:
Gorgeous Ladies of Bowling?

Mamie:
That was our team. Nineteen sixty-two and sixty-three city champions.

Elka Ostrovsky:
We bought this wine and said we'd drink it together in fifty years.

Mamie:
Only we lost track of the others.

Elka Ostrovsky:
That's what I want for my birthday: reunite the old gang.

Melanie Moretti:
Well, I can do that. Who are they?

Mamie:
[showing a GLOB poster] There's Elka and me. All we need to find is Diane, Angie and Peg.

Elka Ostrovsky:
There's your professor, Joy.

Joy Scroggs:
So deep and sophisticated. It's like the Leonard Cohen song: he wants to touch my perfect body with his mind.

Mamie:
I'd like to touch his perfect body with my hand. [Elka stares at her] This may not be my first drink.

Mamie:
Someone's at our table.

Diane:
Hello, GLOBs!

Elka Ostrovsky:
Looks like she made it after all.

Angie:
Who got the sponsor to cut the rest of us out of that Ovaltine commercial?

Peg:
He only wanted me.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Yeah, and after he had you, you were in and we were out.

Peg:
Elka was the tramp. Always backing up into a hand drier so it would blow her bowling skirt up.

Elka Ostrovsky:
That was an accident... every time.

Mamie:
Why don't we take a break and get some fresh air?

Mamie:
Mamie-Sue, we're already outside.

Mamie:
Fine! I'm going inside for some stale air.

Elka Ostrovsky:
I'm sorry I said all those awful things about you.

Mamie:
But you didn't.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Check your Facebook page.

Robin:
You're a beautiful woman, but I don't value outward beauty much. Perhaps that's because I'm... so beautiful myself.

[last lines]

Angie:
I'd like to make a toast, to us. To friendship, to our championship seasons. [they all raise their glasses] To us! Champions!

[first lines]

[there is an incoherent babble as Melanie, Joy, Victoria Philipa and Owen are all talking at once]

Reverend Lare:
Stop! One at a time, tell me what the hell just happened in my church.

Reverend Lare:
You did drop a rather large bombshell.

Philipa:
Please! I lived through the blitz. Bombshells were dropping everywhere, people dying. Did anyone die today?

Joy Scroggs:
Not yet.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Don't you think you're abusing Victoria just a little?

Melanie Moretti:
Don't you see how pleasant she's being?

Elka Ostrovsky:
It wasn't a criticism.

Reverend Lare:
Melanie, what you did was wrong. You can make it up to Victoria by doing her bidding for a week. And listening to her endless Emmet Lawson stories.

Melanie Moretti:
So, a normal week.

Joy Scroggs:
[about her mother] What, so I'm just supposed to forgive her?

Reverend Lare:
We are pretty big on forgiveness here.

Joy Scroggs:
Well, can you recommend a church that's big on revenge? Because I want to go there.

[last lines]

Owen:
Boy, kids are a lot of work.

Philipa:
Owen, would you mind a bit of advice?

Owen:
[uncertainly] Okay. Sure.

Philipa:
When he gets older and makes mistakes, don't be too hard on him. Children aren't perfect, but they don't need to know that you know that. The world will tell him he has flaws. Try to be the one that looks at him with the... kindest eyes. It's getting a bit chilly. I need a sweater. Can I get you anything, Joy?

Joy Scroggs:
No, mom. I think I got everything I need.

[first lines]

Melanie Moretti:
Hey!

Elka Ostrovsky:
Oh, how was the farmers' market?

Melanie Moretti:
Weird.

Joy Scroggs:
In L.A. a farmers' market means sushi, p?t? and chilladas.

Victoria Chase:
This is just a bunch of stuff... grown by farmers.

Alex:
I don't watch that much television.

Victoria Chase:
Of course not; it doesn't have a mirrored surface.

Melanie Moretti:
Well, my mum hasn't let me leave the house since she got here. My childhood all over again. She just wants me to stay at home. And eat. I was raised like a veal.

Victoria Chase:
That's better than being raised by a ham. Who tries to pork everybody.

Joy Scroggs:
I keep telling you people never change. That's why, instead of confronting *my* mom, I've consumed an entire bottle of wine.

Victoria Chase:
You don't seem that drunk.

Joy Scroggs:
Oh, we English never do. The alcohol is neutralized by our bottled-up anger.

[last lines]

Alex:
Ah, good evening. Couldn't sleep. Perhaps I'll have some hot milk.

Elka Ostrovsky:
I couldn't either. I, I wanted to finish this, but my bedazzler keeps getting stuck.

Alex:
Maybe I can help; let me see. [he puts his arms round her reaching for the bedazzler] Hey.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Really? Do you think I'm just another one of these silly women who can't resist your dime-store charm?

Alex:
My apologies.

Elka Ostrovsky:
I didn't say stop!

Melanie Moretti:
All these toys were over at Elka's place.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Well, I did a lot of baby-sitting when I was young.

Joy Scroggs:
Was it hard pushing a stroller around before the invention of the wheel?

Victoria Chase:
I hate hardware stores.

Joy Scroggs:
Me too. It's all just stuff you need; nothing you ever want.

Jenna:
How's the baby? Did you come up with a name yet?

Melanie Moretti:
Too Tired.

Jenna:
That's all right; you've got time.

Melanie Moretti:
No, that's her name: Too Tired. When the nurse asked me what to put down all I could say was 'too tired' and I just didn't have the energy to correct her.

Jenna:
My friend's mum had a late baby too. Her name is Why God Why.

Victoria Chase:
These English instructions are worse than the French ones. What or who is Allen Wrench? This stupid car has more pieces than the puppet theater. And it needs two D batteries; where are we going to get those?

[Victoria and Elka both look over at Joy]

Joy Scroggs:
Fine. I'll take them out of my... personal back massager.

Joy Scroggs:
Stupid glue. I can't get this wine-glass out of my hand.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Well, that's how you look eighty percent of the day anyway.

[first lines]

Victoria Chase:
Well, thank God Wilbur's present arrived from France in time for his birthday. What did you always dream of having when you were a little girl growing up in Poland?

Elka Ostrovsky:
Food.

Victoria Chase:
But a close second must have been... an eighteenth century beaux arts marionette theater.

Joy Scroggs:
Oh no, the instructions are in French.

Elka Ostrovsky:
What's French for 'puppets are creepy'? [Victoria has picked up a puppet] It looks just like you.

Joy Scroggs:
There is a resemblance.

Victoria Chase:
What? This freakish creature looks nothing like me.

Melanie Moretti:
[Melanie enters] Hey, where'd you get the Victoria puppet?

Melanie Moretti:
Wow! These toys are really vintage, and kind of inappropriate. Drunken Irish Potato-Head?

Elka Ostrovsky:
They had a great slogan. I-rish I was drinkin'.

[last lines]

Alec:
So? What? This is good-bye?

Melanie Moretti:
Yeah, I guess it is. [long pause] Although we do live and work together.

Alec:
So this is going to be sad *and* awkward.

Melanie Moretti:
How about we just deal with sad tonight and awkward tomorrow?

Alec:
Okay. [he kisses her cheek] Good night, Mel. [he starts to leave but returns] We're going to have to deal with a little of the awkward right now. You have the keys.

[she gives him the keys, and he leaves, then she takes out her phone]

Melanie Moretti:
Hey, Jenna. It's mom. No. No, everything's okay. I just, just really wanted to talk to my baby. So, what's new? Aaah, oh wow, you're kidding! That's great. It's just great. No, no, I got time. Yeah, I just... want to hear everything.

[first lines]

Melanie Moretti:
Airplane mirrors aren't accurate, are they?

Joy Scroggs:
Of course not.

Victoria Chase:
They get them from fun houses.

Melanie Moretti:
What if he's missing me too and Los Angeles was filled with so many sad memories he's flying to Paris to fill a void in his life? What if this is *our* meet on top of the Empire State Building moment?

Joy Scroggs:
Have you been watching Sleepless in Seattle again?

Melanie Moretti:
No! Yes. But I got it down to once a month.

Victoria Chase:
You know, I was up for a part in that movie.

Joy Scroggs:
Course you were.

Melanie Moretti:
[about her ex] I haven't even gone on a date yet and he's taking his fiancee to Paris. And she's so *young*. She's half my age.

Victoria Chase:
Mel, darling, that really isn't that young.

Melanie Moretti:
My *fake* age!

Victoria Chase:
Oh my God, she's a child!

Joy Scroggs:
I say we kill him and make his underage whore watch.

Melanie Moretti:
He showed me all around Cleveland, and I'm telling you it's nothing like we think. They have symphonies and museums and light opera - OK, so nobody really likes those things, but they have 'em.

Joy Scroggs:
This is why the internet was invented; for men to find pictures of naked celebrities and women to cyber-stalk the men they trust.

Victoria Chase:
[comforting Melanie after telling her her date is married] Honey, what can we do?

Joy Scroggs:
Let's kill him!

Melanie Moretti:
That's your solution to everything.

Joy Scroggs:
Well, could we just try it once?

Joy Scroggs:
You're not old. Forty's the new twenty-five.

Victoria Chase:
I thought forty was the new thirty.

Joy Scroggs:
Well, if we're just going to make crap up, I'd rather be twenty-five.

Joy Scroggs:
Let me ask you something. What's the deal with old ladies and track suits?

Elka Ostrovsky:
Well, it's simple: in your twenties you dress for men, in your forties you dress for success, in your eighties you dress for a bathroom.

Joy Scroggs:
[to Melanie] You're such a little slut.

[last lines]

Joy Scroggs:
So, are you OK, Mel?

Melanie Moretti:
Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. I'm good and you guys have a very early flight tomorrow, so please, just go to Paris and have a wonderful time.

Joy Scroggs:
I don't know. Somehow I can't seem to get excited about Paris any more. No Melanie.

Victoria Chase:
You know, Joy... instead of two weeks in Paris, we could spend two weeks in Cleveland; I mean, the Paris of Ohio.

Elka Ostrovsky:
No, that's Toledo.

Joy Scroggs:
So what should we do now?

Melanie Moretti:
I say we go to that bar where the men think we're hot.

Elka Ostrovsky:
I'll drive!

Joy Scroggs:
Does anyone else smell pot?

Elka Ostrovsky:
What are you, a cop?

Joy Scroggs:
No.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Then what's it to you?

[first lines]

Perky Saleswoman:
We have on the line with us Victoria from Cleveland. Tell us, Victoria, why are you so excited about these amazing Space Bags?

Victoria Chase:
Well, the love of my life was recently thrown into prison, and it turns out that jail cells have no closet space at all. I'll take five hundred.

Melanie Moretti:
Victoria! [grabs the phone] Miss Chase will not be purchasing Space Bags at this time. Thank you.

Victoria Chase:
Why are you shop-blocking me?

Elka Ostrovsky:
[Elks enters carrying a shotgun] I heard noises.

Joy Scroggs:
Is that thing loaded?

Elka Ostrovsky:
One of us is.

Melanie Moretti:
Well, we're having an intervention for Victoria.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Because of her drinking?

Melanie Moretti:
No.

Joy Scroggs:
She's grief-shopping,

Bob:
This is our Mark.

Joy Scroggs:
Our mark. Huh. The best part of being a detective is getting to use the lingo.

Bob:
Lingo? No, his name is Mark.

Joy Scroggs:
Ohhhh. So, Mark's our patsy.

Bob:
No, Patsy's the wife.

Melanie Moretti:
Sean still not returning your texts?

Joy Scroggs:
He and Bob turn their phones off when they're watching Downton... or playing Half-Life, or going to baseball games. Their bromance is ruining my romance.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Bros before hos, Joy.

Melanie Moretti:
Elka!

Elka Ostrovsky:
Did I say it wrong? They're the bros, she's the ho - no, that's right.

[last lines]

Victoria Chase:
The hero kidney donor would like some breakfast.

Melanie Moretti:
Elka.

Victoria Chase:
I would like my initials in my cappuccino foam. And not the two letters you put in there yesterday.

Joy Scroggs:
I say we poison her.

Elka Ostrovsky:
She's only got the one kidney. It wouldn't take much.

[first lines]

Narrator:
Hello. I'm Alex Trebek, host of America's favorite game show.

Studio Audience:
WHEEL... OF... FORTUNE!

Narrator:
That's right, Jeopardy. And I want to welcome all of you to the greatest night of television you will ever witness. First off, and performing live, four women who are at the very peak of their craft. One of them is drunk. You'll see. Now, when we last saw our ladies we had left them in a number of cliff-hangers, but don't worry, we're going to resolve all of that for you, right here, but on next week's episode. So be sure to tune in next week for that. But for tonight, without any further ado, live from Studio City this is Hot... in Cleveland!

Victoria Chase:
I just need time to think. Oh, if only there were a hideout I could go to where the police couldn't find me.

Melanie Moretti:
If only someone among us had a criminal past.

Victoria Chase:
And was once married to the mob.

Joy Scroggs:
And is right here. And old enough to remember where she was when Caesar was assassinated.

Melanie Moretti:
What are we going to do? We're too young to die. [pause] OK, we look too young to die.

Melanie Moretti:
What are you even doing here?

Bob:
Well, I got Joy's sexy text.

Joy Scroggs:
My text said I needed a few days off.

Bob:
The text I got said you wanted me to get you off for a few days!

Joy Scroggs:
Ohhh! Stupid auto-correct.

Mamie:
It's three o'clock; Steve Harvey's on.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Oh, nobody's funnier than Steve Harvey.

Boyce:
Really? No-one?

Mamie:
He's like the Original King of Comedy.

Boyce:
Yeah. Yet, you know, there were other Kings of Comedy, y'know.

Elka Ostrovsky:
But he was the funny one.

Boyce:
Oh, oh, the way Rue McClanahan was the funny one on 'The Golden Girls'.

Elka Ostrovsky:
I never saw that show.

Bob:
You know, it's the things and people you don't do that you regret.

Joy Scroggs:
What part of you can't understand that we are never going to sleep together?

Bob:
Oh, I think you know which part.

Melanie Moretti:
I wish there was some way we could call for help.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Oh, um, there's a fireplace. I learned to make smoke signals when I was a child.

Joy Scroggs:
Oh, did you learn that on your playdates with Sitting Bull?

Elka Ostrovsky:
What was your Indian name? Sleeps With Everyone?

Victoria Chase:
Oh my God, this is just like that movie with Kathy Bates from the Stephen King novel of the same name.

Dr. Kang:
'Fried Green Tomatoes'?

Narrator:
[to the camera] Ooh, sorry, that's wrong. The response we wanted was "What is 'Misery'?" Everybody knows that 'Fried Green Tomatoes' is from the novel by Fannie Flagg,

Dr. Kang:
Stop breaking the fourth wall, Trebek.

Narrator:
[backing away] Easy does it. Easy. Easy.

Victoria Chase:
He is such a know-it-all.

Dr. Kang:
Tell me about it.

Melanie Moretti:
Oh my God, Alex Trebek!

Narrator:
That's right, but on weekends I'm Park Ranger Alex Trebek, and I'm here to save you. I read your smoke signals telling me that there were women here in... [to camera] Jeopardy.

[last lines]

Joy Scroggs:
The police will be here soon.

Elka Ostrovsky:
We'll be home in time to watch 'Family Feud'.

Mamie:
Steve Harvey is the best game show host!

Elka Ostrovsky:
The best.

Narrator:
Really? Isn't that a little bit like saying Cloris Leachman was the best actress on 'The Mary Tyler Moore Show'?

Elka Ostrovsky, Mamie:
We never saw that show.

Narrator:
Well, America won't get a chance to see the Soul Man if we don't wrap things up here, so why don't we all just take a bow right now?

[first lines]

Agent Gilmore:
Special Agent Griffin Gilmore administering polygraph examination, case number two four nine eight, escape from Ohio federal corrections facility, prisoner Emmet Lawson.

Victoria Chase:
Sir.

Agent Gilmore:
Yes?

Victoria Chase:
Emmet is a Sir. He was knighted by the queen. You know, like *Sir* Elton John and *Sir* Paul McCartney. Maybe the queen is just a big fame whore and this is her way of meeting celebrities but it should count for something.

Agent Gilmore:
It doesn't.

Melanie Moretti:
I don't know what to do, but I really should tell him, shouldn't I? What's that machine say?

Agent Gilmore:
It's a polygraph, ma'am, not a magic 8-ball.

Melanie Moretti:
No reason to be mean.

Agent Gilmore:
Sorry, ma'am.

Melanie Moretti:
I was talking about the 'ma'am'.

Elka Ostrovsky:
All three of 'em are crazy.

Agent Gilmore:
That's registering as true.

Elka Ostrovsky:
You didn't look at the machine.

Agent Gilmore:
I didn't have to.

Agent Gilmore:
I have never experienced anything like that in my career. You are either an extremely skilled liar or an extremely honest 28-year-old.

Victoria Chase:
Thank you.

Elka Ostrovsky:
You got one truth out of us. Sinatra. He did me *his* way.

[last lines]

Joy Scroggs:
I need to stop being so desperate. If Simon gets in contact, good. But if he doesn't, it's cool. [her phone chimes] I'm not going to define myself by whether or not some man- [screams as she looks at phone] It's a text from Simon; he's coming next week and he can't wait to see me! What am I going to wear? What if my face breaks out? What if he meets a more beautiful woman than me on the plane? I'll kill her, that's what I'll do! And I'll do it slowly.

Elka Ostrovsky:
I know who else liked to do it slowly. Old Red-eyes.

Melanie Moretti:
Sinatra was Old Blue-eyes.

Elka Ostrovsky:
When I snuck into his room, he was pretty drunk.

[first lines]

Emmet:
To you.

Victoria Chase:
And you. I'd give you a standing O, but we already did that in the shower.

Nikki:
[knocking] Emmet, I know you're in there!

Emmet:
Oh, no.

Victoria Chase:
Who is it?

Emmet:
Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh. She has bat-like hearing.

Nikki:
I heard that. [Nikki enters] Emmet, we need to talk.

Victoria Chase:
Excuse me, but who are you to barge into my trailer?

Nikki:
I'm his wife. Who the hell are you?

Melanie Moretti:
Talk to him. People say that communication is the key to any relationship.

Victoria Chase:
People don't say that; women say that. Lonely women whose boyfriends have left them because they always want to talk about the relationship.

Melanie Moretti:
Helping him out is the nice thing to do, the Cleveland thing to do.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Well, even in Cleveland there's a line. It's not like Dayton, where anything goes.

[last lines]

Ye'arj:
Well, thank you for your hospitality. Oh, here. [places parcel on table] Take this one.

Melanie Moretti:
Oh, but, it's addressed to the Thompsons.

Ye'arj:
Ah, you know how sometimes you forget to tip the mailman, and you think it doesn't matter?

Melanie Moretti:
Yeah...

Ye'arj:
It always matters.

Victoria Chase:
Are you really as good as they say you are?

Danny:
Did John Glenn go to jail for murder?

Joy Scroggs:
What murder?

Danny:
I rest my case.

Professor Zucker:
I know what a vagina looks like. It looks like years of alimony.

Melanie Moretti:
Maybe this is just what I need to get over Alec.

Elka Ostrovsky:
You know the old saying.

Melanie Moretti:
When God closes a door, he opens a window?

Elka Ostrovsky:
No. The best way to get over a man is to get under another one.

Melanie Moretti:
Maybe it is to soon for me to start dating.

Joy Scroggs:
That's ridiculous. You like him and he likes you; you're already ahead of most of my relationships.

Melanie Moretti:
I'm really sorry about last night, but I really was just trying to help my friend.

Dr. Aaron Everett:
Which means you're a nice person.

Melanie Moretti:
Thank you.

Dr. Aaron Everett:
And... I'd like to get to know the girl that broke my uterus. Dinner tonight?

Melanie Moretti:
Yeah, I'd love to.

Dr. Aaron Everett:
I've one more patient to see; you can wait in the waiting room.

Melanie Moretti:
Okay. Wait! So, while I'm waiting you're going to get to third base with a naked woman?

Dr. Aaron Everett:
That's not really how doctors think of it.

Melanie Moretti:
Hm-mm. Is she attractive?

Dr. Aaron Everett:
No.

Melanie Moretti:
Would you tell me if she was?

Dr. Aaron Everett:
No.

Melanie Moretti:
Is this something I have to get used to?

Dr. Aaron Everett:
Yup.

[last lines]

Professor Zucker:
Only one person did a film worthy of an A. In a clever homage to the Godzilla films of the 1950s which warned of the horrors of the atomic age, this filmmaker also used frightening imagery to provoke thought. I give you... Elka Ostrovsky's 'Man Hands'.

Joy Scroggs:
Wait. What?

Elka Ostrovsky:
[narrating film] I was married to the mob. I lived through the horrors of war, but I have never seen anything as terrifying as *man hands*. Man hands.

Elka Ostrovsky:
[to Joy] I wanted the A.

Joy Scroggs:
That was beautiful, Elka. My film's got everything those Oscar winners have: craggy-looking old people talking about Nazis. I'm a shoo-in to get that A.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Not so fast. I want to interview you for my film.

Joy Scroggs:
Really. But my story can't possibly be as interesting as yours.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Oh, don't put yourself down, Joy. That's my job.

Melanie Moretti:
Hey! Guys! Guess what? I have a date with my gynecologist.

Elka Ostrovsky:
They're called appointments, dear.

Joy Scroggs:
We've all been there, Melanie. So desperate for a man's touch you make an appointment you don't even need.

Melanie Moretti:
No, I've never done that.

Joy Scroggs:
Nor have I.

Melanie Moretti:
Remember that cute doctor I met when the bar got held up, and he needed me to take of my Spanx so he could use it as a tourniquet and I thought, at the time, that's the most embarrassing way possible to meet a guy? Well, same guy, more embarrassing way!

[first lines]

Joy Scroggs:
Sorry I'm late; what'd I miss?

Victoria Chase:
Oh, we were just telling sad, bloated Melanie that Alec was right to break up with her.

Joy Scroggs:
What! That's a horrible thing to say. You're going to make her cry.

Elka Ostrovsky:
That's the plan.

Melanie Moretti:
I haven't been able to cry since Alec and I broke up, and I feel like it's all bottled up inside me. If I could just get one good cry, maybe I could get over him.

Joy Scroggs:
Got it. Has anyone mentioned that he's probably banging some hot twenty-something already?

Elka Ostrovsky:
I said twins.

Joy Scroggs:
Well, the movie's in ten minutes. Everyone says you can't watch 'The Diary' without bursting into tears.

Victoria Chase:
Oh, yes! 'The Diary' is the movie 'The Notebook' goes to see when it wants to feel sad.

Joy Scroggs:
After all the artsy-fartsy cinema Elka and I have had to sit through in our Theory of Film class, we could use a little mindless entertainment. No sub-titles, no moral ambiguity, no chess games with death.

Elka Ostrovsky:
And only good-looking people get naked.

Melanie Moretti:
Look, you guys, I'm really not up for a movie. You go. I'm going to stay here and finish my wine. I'll pay the cheque.

Joy Scroggs:
Oh, honey, are you sure?

Melanie Moretti:
Ah, don't try to be nice; it only makes it harder.

Victoria Chase:
Well, bye, Mel; sorry you're so hideous.

Joy Scroggs:
And unlovable.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Have fun dying alone.

Melanie Moretti:
Nothing.

[first lines]

Policeman:
'Kay, ladies, you see the perpetrator in this lineup?

Elka Ostrovsky:
Could number four take his shirt off?

Policeman:
Why?

Elka Ostrovsky:
Why not? It's my tax dollars, right?

Melanie Moretti:
It's number three.

Policeman:
Number three step forward.

Victoria Chase:
He's the one.

Melanie Moretti:
Definitely.

Joy Scroggs:
Dirty, rotten bastard.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Fine; he can take his shirt off too.

Victoria Chase:
I know that it's common for a woman to start losing her memory in her early forties.

Elka Ostrovsky:
You've already forgotten your age.

Victoria Chase:
I was born in 1968.

Melanie Moretti:
But I thought you were born in 1969.

Victoria Chase:
Oh my God, I've forgotten my fake age.

Melanie Moretti:
I put in an application for him, and they're going to send over a home inspector next week to see if we're dog worthy. So we have *got* to be good because everybody wants him.

Victoria Chase:
Well, what to we do? Who do we pay? Who does Joy sleep with?

Melanie Moretti:
No, things like money and sexual favors aren't going to do the trick.

Joy Scroggs:
Wow. We really aren't in L.A. any more.

Joy Scroggs:
I've lost all trust in men, so unconditional love from a neutered male is just what I need.

[last lines]

Melanie Moretti:
Guess who gave George Clooney a bath! [enters carrying the dog]

Joy Scroggs:
Oh, I'm so glad we picked a good name for him. Now we can all honestly say we've slept with George Clooney.

Melanie Moretti:
Just remember he's a dog, not a person; we don't want to become those wacky, middle-aged women whose lives revolve around their pets.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Then I guess you don't want to see him in this. [holds up a doggie chef outfit]

Victoria Chase:
Dear God, that's cute.

Joy Scroggs:
It's adorable. Put it on him now.

Melanie Moretti:
No, seriously, put it on him. [hands George Clooney to Elka] now.

[first lines]

Victoria Chase:
Ice. I need ice.

Joy Scroggs:
I realize it's happy hour somewhere, but isn't it a bit early even for you?

Victoria Chase:
It happens to be an emergency. [holding ice tray against the side of her neck] I pulled a muscle fastening my bra.

Elka Ostrovsky:
What's going on?

Joy Scroggs:
Victoria's having a senior moment.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Oh, I have those all the time. I can be walking along, happy as a clam, and suddenly I get this overwhelming urge to hit some young person with a stick.

Victoria Chase:
Oh, Lord, Hailey Nash! All those dreadful female empowerment songs.

Joy Scroggs:
Her music takes me back to a time when music sucked.

Melanie Moretti:
You *know* Johnny Revere!

Victoria Chase:
Every inch of him. One night he pulled me from the audience to dance on stage and gave me a back-stage pass to the best six months of my life.

Joy Scroggs:
Then why is he a bastard?

Victoria Chase:
Because, half-way through the tour, he left me stranded on a corner in Winslow, Arizona.

Melanie Moretti:
Wait, isn't that an Eagles song?

Victoria Chase:
Never tell Don Henley anything in confidence when you're doing shots.

Joy Scroggs:
Ooh, that sounds very satisfying. I've never thrown a drink at a man. I mean, I've slapped a couple of faces, egged a few cars, set the odd house on fire, but never the drink in the face. Oh, this is going to be fun!

Johnny Revere:
Seriously, you look even sexier in person than you did on your show.

Victoria Chase:
You watched Edge of Tomorrow?

Johnny Revere:
Sure. I was always bragging to the roadies how I used to drill you like the Gulf of Mexico.

Victoria Chase:
Still don't follow the news, do you!

Joy Scroggs:
Well, that was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. And I used to wax Roseanne.

Victoria Chase:
I am definitely going to need an emergency wax.

Elka Ostrovsky:
But your eyebrows look fine.

Victoria Chase:
Oh, it's not my eyebrows I'm worried about.

Joy Scroggs:
Do you think I carry a portable waxing kit?

Victoria Chase:
Joy, please!

Joy Scroggs:
OK, fine! [picks up a candle and serviette from the table] I'll MacGyver it.

Melanie Moretti:
I just hope when Hailey gets my note she forgives me.

Joy Scroggs:
What note?

Melanie Moretti:
Oh, I paid the bartender to slip her an apology and a CD to autograph, so that way if I get it back in the mail I know she's forgiven me.

Joy Scroggs:
And if you get a restraining order, you'll know she hasn't.

Melanie Moretti:
Oh, no!

Joy Scroggs:
They're not that bad. You'd be surprised how much trash talking you can do from three hundred feet.

[last lines]

Joy Scroggs:
Oh, don't feel so bad, Melanie. I didn't know about Elton John *or* George Michael. I thought he wanted *my* sex.

Melanie Moretti:
I didn't even know the Village People were gay.

Victoria Chase:
Yeah, they kind of ruined that cowboys with short shorts and a moustache look for straight guys.

Elka Ostrovsky:
In my day nobody knew anything about anyone. Rock Hudson. Tab Hunter. I had a big thing for Liberace.

Melanie Moretti:
You thought Liberace was straight.

Elka Ostrovsky:
I could have turned him.

[first lines]

Mike:
That was great.

Melanie Moretti:
Mm-hm.

Mike:
You are amazing!

Melanie Moretti:
Thank you, you're not so bad yourself.

Mike:
So, do you want to spoon?

Melanie Moretti:
Yeah.

[Mike rolls away from Melanie]

Joy Scroggs:
*He* wants to be the little spoon?

Melanie Moretti:
Yes. Which makes me the big spoon!

Victoria Chase:
That's crazy!

Melanie Moretti:
I know!

Elka Ostrovsky:
No woman should be the jet pack.

Victoria Chase:
Well, was the sex worth it?

Melanie Moretti:
He did a couple of things; two that were good, one not so good. It's rare to find a man that's good at that, let's face it.

Joy Scroggs:
What do you think, Simon?

Simon:
I think you're confirming my worst fear that anything I do in bed will be analyzed and dissected by a pack of critical females.

Joy Scroggs:
*You* have nothing to worry about.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Yeah, we have no idea you're an uncut jewel.

Simon:
Halle Berry is in town visiting relatives, and Star Magazine wants a shot. If I can find the smallest trace of cellulite on her thighs, I'll get the cover.

Melanie Moretti:
A shot of Helle Berry with cellulite would make my day.

Victoria Chase:
Now, I just have to stage my funeral.

Elka Ostrovsky:
I'll take care of that.

Victoria Chase:
Have you ever planned a funeral before?

Elka Ostrovsky:
I've been planning three of 'em since you moved in.

Joy Scroggs:
I can't imagine what it's going to be like living here without you.

Victoria Chase:
I know. I've been the sun that you three revolve around. But still, I know; it's hard to say good-bye.

Elka Ostrovsky:
You're making it easier.

Elka Ostrovsky:
[eulogy at funeral] Victoria Chase may have been vain, bubble-headed, and crazy...

Melanie Moretti:
But?

Melanie Moretti:
There's no but.

Susan Lucci:
[entering the funeral] May I say something, please?

Victoria Chase:
[snarls] Lucci!

Susan Lucci:
Thank you so much. And thank you, Victoria, for so many, many, many years of work, rising before dawn to put on all that makeup in a brave but futile attempt to hide the ravages of time. And now, picturing her in a coffin reminds me of those performances: stiff and lifeless; held together with chemicals and glue. Something best buried and forgotten. Oh, Victoria, I promised myself I wouldn't cry... and I've kept that promise. Thank you. [she picks up Victoria's Emmy statuette. Victoria gasps] What? We all know I deserved to win that year. [leaves with the Emmy]

[last lines]

Joy Scroggs:
Just how unflattering was Gwyneth's bathing suit?

Simon:
Hideous. Flattened her breasts and gave her back fat.

Joy Scroggs:
Ah! yes!

[first lines]

Melanie Moretti:
Elka! Elka!

Joy Scroggs:
Let us in!

Melanie Moretti:
Elka, please, the tornado's [drowned out by thunderclap]. We're all going to die.

Victoria Chase:
[on phone] Cherchez ma robe maintenant, ou des t?tes tomberont.

Joy Scroggs:
Bloody French.

Melanie Moretti:
You don't even know who she's talking to.

Joy Scroggs:
Don't need to.

Victoria Chase:
Now that 'Edge of Tomorrow' is cancelled, this'll be my very last chance to show that Susan Lucci who the real queen of daytime is.

Joy Scroggs:
Judge Judy?

Victoria Chase:
You know, darling, instead of making fun, perhaps you should go and find the bottom half of your skirt.

Melanie Moretti:
[as Joy leaves for her 'booty call'] Oh my God, look at that wind! Her clothes are going to fly right off!

Joy Scroggs:
That's the plan!

Melanie Moretti:
What *is* all this stuff? I feel like I'm in 'The Goonies'.

Victoria Chase:
Wow! Is this stuff real?

Joy Scroggs:
Is that a tiara? Who *are* you?

Elka Ostrovsky:
I'm Anastasia, the last surviving member of the Romanov dynasty.

Melanie Moretti:
You are?

Elka Ostrovsky:
No, but I've always wanted to say that.

Victoria Chase:
Is all of this yours?

Elka Ostrovsky:
No, it's stolen.

Joy Scroggs:
Oh my!

Melanie Moretti:
What?

Elka Ostrovsky:
[picks up a knife] And now I'm going to have to *kill* you! [grins] I've always wanted to say that, too.

Victoria Chase:
When a beloved artist inhabits an unforgettable role like Honor St. Raven for the past twenty-seven years and cannot get to the Daytime Emmy Awards to receive her public lauding from her peers, after being overlooked for such a long time... well, then the terrorists have won.

[Melanie is stressed out over having said "I love you" to Pete]

Joy Scroggs:
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it too much. I've blurted it out when I didn't mean it, too. Someone recently mistook me for Kate Beckinsale, and I told him I loved him.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Couldn't you have just given him a biscuit for his guide dog?

Victoria Chase:
We've been through, what, everything together. OK, between us: six divorces,

Joy Scroggs:
Five of them yours. And an endless array of bad boyfriends - all of them mine.

Melanie Moretti:
Five kids.

Joy Scroggs:
Two grandkids.

Victoria Chase:
Nieces, please!

Melanie Moretti:
We've just always had each others' backs,

Victoria Chase:
Mm-hm.

Melanie Moretti:
for better and for worse.

[last lines]

Pete:
What the hell is all this stuff?

Melanie Moretti:
Wait, wha', you were going to say something.

Elka Ostrovsky:
You had to date a cop, didn't you?

[first lines]

Joy Scroggs:
[Bob and Joy kiss passionately] Did they see us?

Bob:
Yes, lover.

Joy Scroggs:
They can't hear us; you don't need to call me lover.

Bob:
It's called undercover work, Joy. We're chasing identity thieves here, crafty and suspicious; if we want to get close to them we have to convince them we're just an ordinary couple.

Joy Scroggs:
Got it.

Bob:
But we mustn't get too attached, you and I. That will only lead to heartbreak. Your heartbreak.

Bob:
We're on our honeymoon.

Julie:
At the Pines Motel?

Bob:
The original plan was Disney, but I went over budget buying my wife; you see, she's a Russian mail-order bride.

Bob:
I'll meet you at the motel. But just so you know, John Johnson sleeps in the nude.

Joy Scroggs:
And just so *you* know, Natasha Johnson sleeps with scissors.

Bob:
Pajamas it is, then.

Joy Scroggs:
Are you saying you're running for city council? You don't know anything about politics.

Victoria Chase:
Well, what does Sonny Bono know? Clint Eastwood? The Schwarzenegger couldn't even pronounce the name of the state he was in.

Bob:
Your feet are telling me that you're a lonely woman.

Julie:
Oh? What are my breasts telling you?

Bob:
That it's a little chilly in here.

Melanie Moretti:
Now, let's jaw a little bit about this dog park issue. Why are you agin it?

Councilman Powell:
Look, I think that all the people care about is that I'm a disabled African-American Ohio State football hero, that believes Cleveland is the best city in the world.

Bob:
Oh God, joy!

Joy Scroggs:
What?

Bob:
No, not you; my Canadian girlfriend Joy.

Joy Scroggs:
You really have a Canadian girlfriend?

Bob:
Yes! [speeddials cellphone] Hi. Joy, this is Bob. I-I've made a terrible mistake. Look. I'm jumping on the next flight and then the connecting flight and then the puddle-jumper and then the snowmobile and... then I'll be at your door. Yes. I'll, I'll see you in two weeks.

Joy Scroggs:
Thanks, Melanie. You're good at this. Bye.

Melanie Moretti:
You know, I *am* good at this. I mean, when I'm just being myself. See, I was told I needed to be more folksy, more Honey Boo-Boo. But people like those shows because they're being themselves. So for the rest of Askageddon, I'm just going to be me, and I hope you like it. [the board guy taps on the window and points to his watch] And that concludes Askageddon. I'll see you tomorrow, folks... I hope.

[last lines]

Victoria Chase:
Look at this turnout. You know, Elka's only a few signatures away from getting on the ballot. And her dog park twitter account is trending.

Elka Ostrovsky:
[laughing] At Elka stop less parks.

Melanie Moretti:
[looks at @elkastoplessparks banner] You know, when you look at that, it looks like Elka's topless parks.

Elka Ostrovsky:
[innocently] Does it?

Bob:
Well, Joy, I've got a plane to catch.

Joy Scroggs:
Bob's selling the agency and moving back to Canada.

Bob:
I made the new owner promise to keep Joy on. He seems like a good guy.

Joy Scroggs:
Good guy, huh?

Bob:
Yup. I guess when you look like him, you kind of have to be. [shows joy a picture of a handsome man]

Joy Scroggs:
I can work with that.

Bob:
That's the spirit, Joy. Looks aren't everything.

Joy Scroggs:
I get to stay in America!

Elka Ostrovsky:
That's another reason to go to Canada.

Heather:
If the governor admits to infidelity, his poll numbers will go down 5%. But, if he admits to getting his eyebrows groomed, they go down 20%. This is Ohio. We want our men to be ungroomed and our vegetables to be meat.

[first lines]

Elka Ostrovsky:
Last season on Hot in Cleveland...

Joy Scroggs:
Let's just be positive.

Elka Ostrovsky:
How? They caught me red-handed with stolen Mafia loot.

[last lines]

Yoder:
Thee?

Elka Ostrovsky:
Uh, I'm uh... Let's discuss it over dinner. [walks out door and turns to address disapproving friends] Hey, it's a date. Don't waiteth up.

[first lines]

Joy Scroggs:
We're still in a rented house in Ohio, right?

Victoria Chase:
Yup.

Joy Scroggs:
So last night a guy fifteen years younger than me really did give me his phone number.

Victoria Chase:
Oh, it's the magic of Cleveland, Joy. All the most beautiful people in the world move to L.A. to become stars, leaving behind in their wake beauty voids for the rest of us to fill.

Elka Ostrovsky:
[to Joy] You're too old and creaky to be robbing the cradle.

Joy Scroggs:
*I'm* old! Was Ohio even a state when you were born?

Elka Ostrovsky:
They were talking about it.

Melanie Moretti:
[very perky] Morning. How'd everyone sleep? Me, rock. And what a beautiful Ohio morning; birds are chirping, people are smiling, someone actually said "Hi-ya" to me! With the 'ya'!

Elka Ostrovsky:
Who put a quarter in that one?

Joy Scroggs:
Maybe I should just call him and tell him the truth.

Victoria Chase:
Are you out of your mind! What if he isn't your son?

Melanie Moretti:
"I might be your mother." Probably a romance killer.

Victoria Chase:
Mm-hm. And what's even more horrific is you'd have to admit that you're old enough to be his mother. Now, how old does he think you are?

Joy Scroggs:
He said I looked thirty-eight.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Your son is mentally challenged?

[last lines]

Melanie Moretti:
Are you really thinking of finding your son?

Joy Scroggs:
Maybe. It's all just a... a lot.

Melanie Moretti:
I can't imagine.

Joy Scroggs:
Yes, you can. You're a mother.

Victoria Chase:
Hey. So are you.

Joy Scroggs:
Thanks. Ah, it's just so weird to think of him out there, a grown man. He could be married, have kids of his own. I might even have... grandkids.

Elka Ostrovsky:
Hey, maybe one of 'em's old enough for you to date. [the others just look at her] Too soon?

Joy Scroggs:
How do I look?

Elka Ostrovsky:
Like you stepped out of a painting... of hookers!