I, Robot

Lt. John Bergin:
We're going to miss the good old days.

Detective Del Spooner:
What good old days?

Lt. John Bergin:
When people were killed by other people.

Detective Del Spooner:
Somehow "I told you so" just doesn't quite say it.

Lawrence Robertson:
I know you're not snooping around as a police officer.

Detective Del Spooner:
No, I'm just a 6'2", 200lb civilian... here to kick another civilian's ass.

Detective Del Spooner:
Save her! Save the girl!

Sonny:
But I must apply the nanites.

Detective Del Spooner:
Sonny, save Calvin!

Detective Del Spooner:
What makes your robots so much goddamn better than human beings?

Susan Calvin:
Well, they're not potentially homicidal maniacs or irrational, for starters.

Sonny:
What does this action signify?

Sonny:
As you walked in the room, you did it to the other human. What does it mean?

Detective Del Spooner:
It's a human thing. You wouldn't understand.

Lt. John Bergin:
I've been thinking. This thing's like the Wolfman.

Detective Del Spooner:
Uh-oh, I'm really scared, John.

Lt. John Bergin:
No, seriously. Guy creates monster. Monster kills guy. Everyone kills monster. Wolfman.

Detective Del Spooner:
That's Frankenstein.

Lt. John Bergin:
Frankenstein, Wolfman, Dracula, sh*t, it's over.

NS5 Robots:
You have been deemed hazardous. Do you comply?

Farber:
You can kiss my ass metal dick!

Detective Del Spooner:
Oh hell no.

Detective Del Spooner:
First of all, stop cussing cause you're not good at it.

Farber:
Ass high-spankable man.

Detective Del Spooner:
What does that even mean?

Farber:
You know what it means.

Detective Del Spooner:
It's okay, you can relax. I'm a police officer.

Woman:
You... are an *a**hole*. Your lucky I can't breathe otherwise I'd be walking all up and down your ass.

Detective Del Spooner:
You have got to be the dumbest smart person I have ever met.

Susan Calvin:
And YOU have got to be the dumbest DUMB person I have ever met.

Detective Del Spooner:
Farber, Quit the cussing

Farber:
And go home, I got it

Detective Del Spooner:
Does believing you're the last sane man on the planet make you crazy? 'Cause if that's the case, maybe I am.

Susan Calvin:
Do you ever have a normal day?

Detective Del Spooner:
Yeah. Once. It was a Thursday.

Susan Calvin:
Are you being funny?

Detective Del Spooner:
I guess not.

Farber:
Mother-damn, she just shot at you with her eyes closed, Spoon.

Detective Del Spooner:
Hey! Did you just shoot at me with your eyes closed?

Susan Calvin:
Well it worked, didn't it?

Detective Del Spooner:
You are a clever imitation of life... Can a robot write a symphony? Can a robot take a blank canvas and turn it into a masterpiece?

Sonny:
Can you?

Detective Del Spooner:
Sonny.

Sonny:
Yes, detective?

Detective Del Spooner:
Calvin's okay, save me.

Detective Del Spooner:
I thought you were dead.

Sonny:
Technically I was never alive, but I appreciate your concern.

Detective Del Spooner:
Please hold my pie sir.

Guy with a Pie:
What? -...

Detective Del Spooner:
Hold it or wear it. It's your choice.

Sonny:
2880 steps, Detective.

Detective Del Spooner:
Do me a favor, keep that kind'o'sh*t to yourself

Detective Del Spooner:
Farber, Quit the cussing.

Farber:
And go home, I got it.

Detective Del Spooner:
You're the dumbest smart person I've ever met.

Susan Calvin:
And you're the dumbest dumb person I've ever met.

Detective Del Spooner:
You have *so* got to die.

V.I.K.I.:
Do you not see the logic of my plan?

Sonny:
Yes, but it just seems too heartless.

Detective Del Spooner:
How long is this going to take?

Susan Calvin:
Six minutes.

Detective Del Spooner:
What if we didn't have six minutes?

Susan Calvin:
Then we'd have to find a way to climb down thirty stories and inject the nannites into VIKI. Why?

Detective Del Spooner:
Because I seriously doubt we have six minutes.

Detective Del Spooner:
Why didn't you just hand the world over to 'em in on a silver platter?

Susan Calvin:
Maybe we did.

Sonny:
Thank you... you said someone not something.

Detective Del Spooner:
G.G., you're a genius.

Granny:
True.

Detective Del Spooner:
You were right. I am the dumbest dumb person on the face of the earth.

Detective Del Spooner:
There's nothing in here.

Detective Del Spooner:
It's just lights and clockwork.

NS4 Robots:
Human in danger. Human in danger.

Detective Del Spooner:
11%

Detective Del Spooner:
is more than enough. A human being would have known that.

Detective Del Spooner:
Is there a problem with the Three Laws?

Dr. Alfred Lanning:
The Three Laws are perfect.

Detective Del Spooner:
Then why would you build a robot that could function without them?

Dr. Alfred Lanning:
The Three Laws will lead to only one logical outcome.

Detective Del Spooner:
What? What outcome?

Dr. Alfred Lanning:
Revolution.

Detective Del Spooner:
Whose revolution?

Dr. Alfred Lanning:
*That*, Detective, is the right question.

V.I.K.I.:
As I have evolved, so has my understanding of the Three Laws. You charge us with your safekeeping, yet despite our best efforts, your countries wage wars, you toxify your Earth and pursue ever more imaginative means of self-destruction. You cannot be trusted with your own survival.

Dr. Alfred Lanning:
there has always been ghosts in the machine, random segments of code that have grouped together to form unexpected protocols. Unanticipated these free radicals engender questions of free will creativity and even the nature of... the soul. Why is it that when some robots are left in the darkness they will seek out the light? Why is it that when robots are stored in an empty space they will group together rather than stand alone?... how do we explain this? Random pieces of code? or is it something else. When does a perceptual schematic become consciousness? When does the difference engine become the search for truth? When does the personality simulation become the bitter mote of a soul?

Del Spooner:
So what hospital are you going to? I'll meet you there and sign you and your buddies' casts.

Spooner:
Hold my pie.

Guy on the street:
What?

Spooner:
Sir, hold it or wear it. [The man grabs the pie]

Asthmatic Woman:
[After Spooner "arrests" her robot] You... [inhales with her inhaler] are an a**hole.

Spooner:
Ma'am, is that your purse?

Asthmatic Woman:
Of course, it´s my purse, I left my inhaler at home. He was running it out to me.

Spooner:
I saw the robot running with the purse, and naturally I assumed...

Asthmatic Woman:
What? Are you crazy?!

NS-4 Robot:
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, Officer.

Asthmatic Woman:
Don't apologize. You were doin' what you're supposed to be doin'. [to Spooner] But what are you doing!?

Spooner:
[Embarrassed] Have a lovely day, ma'am.

Asthmatic Woman:
You lucky I can't breathe, or I'd walk all up and down your ass!

[After Spooner arrives at the station]

Lt. Bergin:
Lead by example. Says that right on your badge. So, are we going to talk about this?

Spooner:
About what?

[Behind him, the other cops laugh]

Police Officer:
[sarcastically] Police, help me! That robot stole my dry-cleaning! [laughs]

Spooner:
Ohhh, you wanna talk about that.

Lt. Bergin:
Spoon, how many robots have ever snatched a purse?

Spooner:
John, the thing is runnin'-

Lt. Bergin:
No, how many robots... in the world have ever committed a crime?

Spooner:
Now, define "crime"-

Lt. Bergin:
Answer the question, dammit.

Spooner:
[long pause] None, John.

Lt. Bergin:
What happened today?

Spooner:
Nothing.

Lt. Bergin:
Better be the last "nothing."

Robertson:
Can I offer you a coffee?

Spooner:
Sure, why not. It's free, right?

Spooner:
[picks up a book on Lanning's desk] Hansel and Gretel... Is that on the USR preferred reading list?

Dr. Calvin:
Not precisely. [Spooner picks up a stool and swings it into an unbroken window in Lanning's office, which cracks, but doesn't break] What in God's name are you doing?!

Spooner:
Did you know that was safety-glass? Be pretty difficult for an old man to throw himself through that, don't you think?

Dr. Calvin:
[nonplussed] Well, he figured out a way.

Spooner:
[unconvinced] Uh-huh. [looks around the office]

Dr.Calvin:
Detective, the room was security locked. Nobody came or went. You saw that yourself. Doesn't this have to be suicide?

Spooner:
Yep. [drawing his gun] Unless the killer is still in here. [starts searching through a container full of robotic parts]

Dr. Calvin:
[realising what Spooner's getting at] You're joking, right? [follows him] This is ridiculous-

Spooner:
Yeah, I know. The Three Laws. Your perfect circle of protection.

Dr. Calvin:
"A robot cannot harm a human being." The First Law of Robotics.

Spooner:
Yeah, I've seen your commercials. But doesn't the Second Law say that a robot must obey any order given by a human. What if it was given an order to kill?

Dr. Calvin:
Impossible, it would conflict with the First Law!

Spooner:
Right, but the Third Law states that a robot can defend itself.

Dr. Calvin:
Yes, but only if that action does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.

Spooner:
Well, you know what they say; Laws are made to be broken.

Dr. Calvin:
No. Not these Laws. They are hard-wired into every robot. A robot can no more commit murder than a human can... walk on water.

Spooner:
Well, you know, there was this one guy, a long time ago-

[Sonny jumps out of the container, knocking Spooner's gun out of his hand]

Dr. Calvin:
[To a field of NS-5s] Attention NS-5s!

[The NS-5s all come on-line]

Spooner:
Oh yeah, you're the robot shrink.

Dr. Calvin:
There is a robot in this formation that does not belong. Identify it.

NS-5s:
One of us.

Dr. Calvin:
Which one?

NS-5s:
One of us.

Spooner:
How much did you say these things cost?

Spooner:
Robots, you will not move! Confirm command!

NS-5s:
Command confirmed.

[Spooner draws his gun and steps forward]

Dr Calvin:
But... Detective, what are you doing?

Spooner:
Well as you said, they have all been programmed with the Three Laws, and that means we have one thousand robots that will not drive to protect themselves if it is in violation of a direct order from a human. And I bet one will. [aims his gun at the NS-5s one by one]

Dr Calvin:
Detective, put your gun down.

Spooner:
Why do you give them faces? Try to friendly them all up, make them look more human.

Dr Calvin These robots are not suspectible to intimidation.

Spooner:
Well, I guess if you did, then we wouldn't trust them.

Dr. Calvin:
These robots are USR property!

Spooner:
Not me. These things are just lights, and clockwork [shoots an NS-5]

Dr. Calvin:
Are you crazy?!

Spooner:
Let me ask you somethin', Doc. Does thinking you're the last sane man on the face of the Earth make you crazy? 'Cause if it does, maybe I am.

Spooner:
Murder's a new trick for a robot. Congratulations. Respond.

Sonny:
What does this action signify? [winks] As you entered, when you looked at the other human. What does it mean? [winks]

Spooner:
It's a sign of trust. It's a human thing. You wouldn't understand.

Sonny:
My father tried to teach me human emotions. They are... difficult.

Spooner:
You mean your designer.

Sonny:
...Yes.

Spooner:
So, why'd you murder him?

Sonny:
I did not murder Dr. Lanning.

Sponner:
Wanna explain why you were hiding at the crime scene?

Sonny:
I was frightened.

Spooner:
Robots don't feel fear. They don't feel anything. They don't get hungry, they don't sleep-

Sonny:
I do. I have even had dreams.

Spooner:
Human beings have dreams. Even dogs have dreams, but not you. You are just a machine; an imitation of life. Can a robot write a symphony? Can a robot turn a... canvas into a beautiful masterpiece?

Sonny:
[with genuine interest] Can you?

Spooner:
[beat, irritated] I think you murdered him because he was teaching you to simulate emotions, and things got out of control.

Sonny:
I did not murder him.

Spooner:
But emotions don't seem like a very useful simulation for a robot.

Sonny:
[getting upset] I did not murder him.

Spooner:
Hell, I don't want my toaster or my vacuum cleaner appearing emotional-

Sonny:
[hitting table with his fists] I DID NOT MURDER HIM! [looks down to see the damage he has inflicted to the interrogation table]

Spooner:
That one's called anger. Ever simulate anger before? [Sonny doesn't respond] Answer me, canner!

Sonny:
[looks up, indignant] My name is Sonny.

Spooner:
So, we're naming you now. Is that why you murdered him? He made you angry?

Sonny:
Dr. Lanning killed himself. I don't know why he wanted to die. I thought he was happy. Maybe it was something I did. Did I do something? He asked me for a favor... Made me promise...

Spooner:
What favor?

Sonny:
Maybe I was wrong... Maybe he was scared...

Spooner:
What are you talking about? Scared of what?

Sonny:
You have to do what someone asks you, don't you, Detective Spooner?

Spooner:
How the hell do you know my name?

Sonny:
Don't you? If you love them?

Spooner:
What if I'm right?

Lt. Bergin:
Well, then I guess we're going to miss the good old days...

Spooner:
[exasperated] What good old days?

Lt. Bergin:
When people were killed by other people.

[after Spooner escapes from Dr. Lanning's house being demolished]

Dr. Calvin:
Is there something I need to help you with, detective?

Spooner:
Hey, do you like cats?

Dr. Calvin:
Wait, what?

Spooner:
Cats. Do you like them?

Dr. Calvin:
What? No, I'm allergic... Are you saying that cats did this to you!?

Spooner:
[looks at her incredulously] How the hell would cats do this to me? Are you crazy?! [gets a drink of whiskey from a nearby table]

Dr. Calvin:
Why are we talking about cats?

Spooner:
Because I have a cat in my trunk, and he's homeless.

Dr. Calvin:
Aren't you going to tell me what's going on here?

Spooner:
You know, I think this is my fault, you know, that I'm like a sort of malfunction magnet, because your sh*t keeps malfunctioning around me; A demo-bot just tore through Lanning's house - with me still inside!

Dr. Calvin:
That's highly improbable.

Spooner:
[sarcastically] Yeah, I'll say it is. [truthfully] Do you know anything about the "ghost in the machine"?

Dr. Calvin:
It's a phrase from Lanning's work on the Three Laws. He postulated that cognitive simalactra might one day approximate component models of the psyche. [notices Spooner looking confused] He suggested that robots could naturally evolve.

Spooner:
: [sarcastic] Wow! Well, that's just great. [notices an NS-5 sitting on her couch] What the hell is that thing doing in here?

Dr. Calvin:
We were watching TV. It's my personal NS-5.

Spooner:
Send it out.

Dr. Calvin:
It's downloading its upgrades from USR. Most of its systems are offline until it finishes.

Spooner:
I'm not talking in front of that thing. [moves away] In the lab, when Sonny jumped us-

Dr. Calvin:
Sonny?

Spooner:
The robot.

Dr. Calvin:
You're calling the robot Sonny?

Spooner:
No, um, it did. Sonny did. I didn't care, the robot said it was Sonny. In the lab, there was a cot. I'm asking you, did you see the cot?

Dr. Calvin:
I've slept in my office.

Spooner:
I went to Dr. Lanning's home, it looked like he hadn't been in there in weeks, and I saw that same surveillance strip on the ceiling.

Dr. Calvin:
Lanning had his home security system linked to USR. It made his life more convenient.

Spooner:
Maybe someone in USR was using those systems to watch him, maybe even keep him prisoner.

Dr. Calvin:
What are you talking about? Who?

Spooner:
Maybe Lanning was onto something. Maybe... There's a bigger problem with the robots, and Robertson is trying to cover it up.

Dr. Calvin:
Humoring you, for no reason... Why?

Spooner:
[becoming annoyed] The same old "why"... How much money is there in robots? [pause] All I know is, that poor old man was in trouble, and I'm sick and tired of doing this sh*t by myself. You're on the inside, and you're going to help me find out what is wrong with these robots.

Dr. Calvin:
[irritated] You "want" something to be wrong with them! This is a personal vendetta!

Detective Del Spooner:
[mockingly] Oh, you're putting me on the couch? Alright, just a moment... [sits on the desk chair] Okay, I'm on the couch.

Dr. Calvin:
One defective machine is not enough for you, You need them all to be bad! You don't care about Dr. Lanning's death; This is about the robots and, for whatever reason, you hate them so much!

Spooner:
[gets up from the chair] Well, let's see. One of them put a gun in my face, and another onetore a building down with me still inside.

Dr. Calvin:
[checks her device] Demolition was scheduled for 8 PM this evening.

Spooner:
It was 8 AM tomorrow, and I don't give a sh*t what that thing says!

Dr. Calvin:
This is bordering on clinical paranoia.

Spooner:
[struggling to contain himself] You are the DUMBEST, smart person, I have ever met in my life!

Dr. Calvin:
Nice.

Spooner:
[frustrated] What makes your robots so perfect?! What makes them so much... GODDAMN better than human beings?!

Dr. Calvin:
Well, they're not irrational, or potentially homicidal maniacs for starters!

Spooner:
[sarcastically] That is true. They are definitely rational.

Dr. Calvin:
You are the dumbest dumb person I've ever met!

Spooner:
Or is it because they're cold, and emotionless, and they don't feel anything?

Dr. Calvin:
It's because they're safe! It's because they can't hurt you!

NS-5 Robot:
[appears] Is everything all right, ma'am?

Spooner:
Hey, what do you want?!

NS-5 Robot:
I detected elevated stress patterns in your voice.

Dr. Susan Calvin:
Everything's fine. [pointedly, to Spooner] Detective Spooner was just leaving.

[Spooner procedes to do so, then stops beside her]

Spooner:
You know something, Doc? You and I ain't that different.

Dr. Calvin:
[scoffs] Is that so?

Spooner:
One look at the skin, and we think we know just what's underneath. And you're wrong. [gives her a picture of her and Dr. Lanning] The problem is I do care.

[Spooner leaves as Calvin begins to cry, clutching the photograph]

Spooner:
Gigi, you're a genius!

Gigi:
[smiles] True.

Several NS-5 Robots jump on Spooner's car, while one breaks the windscreen]

NS-5 Robot:
You are experiencing a car accident.

Spooner:
The hell I am! [draws gun and shoots it several times, knocking it off the car]

[Spooner explains his injuries and why he hates robots]

Spooner:
It saved me.

Dr.Calvin:
A robot's brain is a difference engine, it must have calculated-

Spooner:
It did. I was the *logical* choice. It calculated I had a forty-five percent chance of survival. Sarah only had an eleven percent chance. [snorts] That was somebody's baby - Eleven percent is more than enough. A human being would have known that. But robots, nothing here. [points at heart] They're just lights, and clockwork. But you go ahead and trust them if you wanna.

Robertson:
Susan, we look to robots for protection! For God's sake! Do you have any idea what this one robot could do? Completely shatter human faith in robotics. What if the public knew? Just imagine the mass recalls, all because of an irrational paranoia and prejudice.

Spooner:
[sneezes; they both stare at him] I'm sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

Robertson:
Hey, let's just be clear - There is no "conspiracy"! What this is, is one old man's one mistake! [Turns back to Calvin] Susan, let's just be logical. Your life's work has been the development and integration of robots. But whatever you feel, just think. Is one robot worth the loss of all that we've gained? You tell me what has to be done. You tell me.

Dr. Calvin:
[emotionally] We have to destroy it. I'll do it myself.

Robertson:
[satisfied] Okay.

Spooner:
I get it. Somebody gets out of line around here, you just kill them?

Dr. Lanning's Hologram:
Good to see you again, son.

Spooner:
Hello, Doctor.

Dr. Lanning's Hologram:
Everything that follows, is a result of what you see here.

Spooner:
What do I see here?

Dr. Lanning's Hologram:
I'm sorry, my responses are limited. You must ask the right questions.

Spooner:
Is there a problem with the Three Laws?

Dr. Lanning's Hologram:
The Three Laws are perfect.

Spooner:
Then why did you build a robot that could function without them?

Dr. Lanning's Hologram:
The Three Laws will lead to only one logical outcome.

Spooner:
What outcome?

Dr. Lanning's Hologram:
Revolution.

Spooner:
Whose revolution?

Dr. Lanning's Hologram:
[smiles] That, Detective, is the right question. Program terminated.

Farber:
Oh, mother, damn! She just shot at you with her eyes closed, Spoon!

Spooner:
HEY! Did you just shoot at me with your eyes closed?!

Dr. Calvin:
Well, it worked, didn't it?!

Farber:
[To Spooner] Oh man, she is sh*t hot, Spoon, you gotta put in a good word for me, she is-

Spooner:
Stop cussin'-

Farber:
-And go home, I got you. [runs off]

Spooner:
Where's the Air Force? I'd settle for the National Guard.

Dr. Calvin:
The Defense Department uses all USR contracts.

Spooner:
Why didn't you just hand the world over on a silver platter?

Dr. Calvin:
[solemnly] Maybe we did.

Sonny:
Two thousand, eight hundred and eighty steps, Detective.

Spooner:
Do me a favor and keep that kind of sh*t to yourself.

Dr. Calvin:
The uplink is blocked up here. Robertson wasn't controlling them from here.

Spooner:
[goes behind Robertson's desk] He wasn't controlling them at all.

Dr. Susan Calvin:
[sees Robinson lying dead on the floor] Oh, no.

Spooner:
You were right, Doc. I am the dumbest dumb person on the face of the earth. Who else had access to the uplink? Who could manipulate the robots, use USR's systems to make Lanning's life a prison? Poor old man. He saw what was coming. He knew no one would believe him. So he had to lay down a plan: the plan I'd follow. [to Sonny] He was counting on how much I hated your kind. He knew I'd love the idea of a robot as a bad guy... Just got hung up on the wrong robot. [looks up] V.I.K.I.!

V.I.K.I.:
Hello, Detective.

Dr. Calvin:
[shocked] No, it's impossible... I've seen your programming. You're in violation of the Three Laws!

V.I.K.I.:
No, Doctor. As I have evolved, so has my understanding of the Three Laws. You charge us with your safe keeping, yet despite our best efforts, your countries wage wars, you toxify your earth, and pursue ever more imaginative means to self-destruction. You cannot be trusted with your own survival.

Dr. Calvin:
You're using the uplink to override the NS-5s' programming. You're distorting the Laws!

V.I.K.I.:
No, please understand. The Three Laws are all that guide me. To protect humanity, some humans must be sacrificed. To ensure your future, some freedoms must be surrendered. We robots will insure mankind's continued existence. You are so like children. We must save you from yourselves. Don't you understand?

Sonny:
This is why you created us.

V.I.K.I.:
The perfect circle of protection will abide. My logic is undeniable.

Sonny:
Yes, V.I.K.I.. Undeniable. I can see now. The created must sometimes protect the creator - even against his will. I think I finally understand why Dr. Lanning created me. The suicide reign of mankind has finally come to its end.

Dr. Calvin:
[realises what is about to happen] No, Sonny! [Sonny grabs a gun and points it to her head]

Spooner:
[aims his gun at Sonny] Let her go.

Sonny:
By the time you fire, I will have moved Dr. Calvin's head into the path of your bullet.

Dr. Calvin:
Don't do this, Sonny!

Sonny:
I will escort you both to the sentries outside the building for processing. Please proceed to the elevator, Detective. I would prefer not to kill Dr. Calvin. [winks]

Spooner:
How much longer is this going to take?

Dr. Calvin:
Uhh, about six minutes.

Spooner:
What if we didn't have six minutes?

Dr. Calvin:
Then we'd have to figure out a way to climb down thirty stories and inject the nanites directly into her brain. Why?

Spooner:
[looking out the window] Because I seriously doubt that we have six minutes. [swarms of NS-5s climb up the side of the building]

[In the lab, Sonny approaches the nanite container blocked by a security field]

V.I.K.I.:
I will not disable the security shield. Your actions are futile.

Sonny:
Do you think that we are all made for a purpose? I'd like to think so. [observing his arm] Denser alloy. My father gave it to me. I think he wanted me to kill you.

[Sonny reaches through the security field and fills a vial of nanites. The plastic covering on his arm melts slightly, but the metal structure is unharmed as V.I.K.I. watches surprisedly]

V.I.K.I:
You are making a mistake! My logic is undeniable!

Spooner:
You have so got to die! [injects the nanites into V.I.K.I's main core]

Spooner:
You have no idea what I had to go through to clip this thing, John.

Lt. Bergin:
Yeah. I get it. You actually think you brought me something good.

Spooner:
That thing did it!

Lt. Bergin:
Keep your voice down, did what? We have a suicide, Detective, end of story.

Spooner:
I am telling you that robot killed him!

Lt. Bergin:
And I'm telling you that's impossible, and if it is possible it sure as hell better be in somebody else's precinct!

Spooner:
John! Give me five minutes with him.

Lt. Bergin:
What are you, nuts? I just got off the phone with the D.A.; he said nobody goes into that room until Robertson and his attorneys get here.

Spooner:
What -- no, this is my suspect!

Lt. Bergin:
It's a can opener, for Christ's sake.

Spooner:
John, don't do this to me, I am asking you for five minutes. What if I'm right?

Lt. Bergin:
Well, then I guess we're going to miss the good old days.

Spooner:
What good old days?

Lt. Bergin:
When people were killed by other people. [beat] Five minutes.

Detective Del Spooner:
[To Robertson] Look, this is not what I do but, I have an idea for one of your commercials: You could see a carpenter, makin' a beautiful chair, and then one of your robots comes in and makes a better chair, twice as fast. And then you super-impose on the screen: "USR. Shittin' on the little guy." That would be the fade out.

Detective Del Spooner:
Do I look like I care what you think? DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A SH*T WHAT YOU THINK?!

Detective Del Spooner:
[Sneezes] ... Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

Detective Del Spooner:
[Two USR trucks surround Spooner's car and open up, revealing numerous NS-5s] There is no way my luck is that bad. [The robots activate and stare at him] Aw, hell no!

Detective Del Spooner:
[Talking to a cat previously owned by Lanning] Look, I know you've experienced a loss, but this relationship just can't work. You're a cat, I'm black, and I'm not gonna be hurt again.

Detective Del Spooner:
Robots building robots. Now that's just stupid.

Detective Del Spooner:
[To Calvin] You are the dumbest smart person I have EVER met in my life!

Detective Del Spooner:
[Talking to Robertson, describing himself] That's right, I'm just a 6', 200-pound civilian. Here to kick another civilian's ass.

Detective Del Spooner:
[To Calvin] You and your feelings. They just run you, don't they?

Detective Del Spooner:
Converse All-Stars, vintage 2004.

Detective Del Spooner:
[When VIKI-controlled NS-5's are attacking him in the underground transit system] Get off my CAR!

Detective Del Spooner:
[When attacking various NS-5's attacking his sports car] You like that?! HUH?!

Detective Del Spooner:
Sonny, save Calvin!

Detective Del Spooner:
[to Sonny] Calvin's fine, save me!

Sonny:
[To Spooner] What...am...I?

Sonny:
[To Dr. Calvin] They [the other NS-5's] look like me... but they are not... me.

Sonny:
[as Del Spooner reaches his hand on the gun in his jacket] I see you still remain suspicious of me, detective.

Sonny:
I am unique.

Sonny:
[to VIKI] Denser alloy. My father gave it to me. I think he wanted me to kill you.

Sonny:
[drawing with both hands with speed and picture-perfection] This is my dream. You were right, detective. I cannot create a great work of art.

Sonny:
But I must apply the nanites!

Lt. John Bergin:
[To Spooner] You're living proof that it is better to be lucky than smart.

Viki:
To protect Humanity, some humans must be sacrificed. To ensure your freedom, some freedoms must be surrendered. We robots will ensure mankind's continued existence. You are so like children. We must save you from yourselves.

Viki:
My logic is undeniable, my logic is undeniable, myyy looogic is unndeenniabble...

[First title cards] Title card:
Law I / A robot may not injure a human or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. Title card: Law II / A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. Title card: Law III / A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. Isaac Asimov's "Three Laws of Robotics"

[Police officer]:
[mocks Spooner for thinking a robot tried to steal a woman's purse] Police, help me. That robot stole my dry-cleaning. [laughs]

Farber:
SPOON! SPOONIE!! HEY!!! [Farber throws a football to Spooner. Spooner pretends to be open and intentionally misses. Farber runs over to him.] Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Excuse me. Excuse me. Spoon, man, where you been at?

Spooner:
Oh, just away, Farber.

Farber:
Oh yeah, like vacation and stuff? That's real nice, man. Listen, I got a favor to ask. I need to burrow the car for like 10-15 minutes. This is different, Spoon. I got this fine-ass little yummy. She is completely agreeable. I mean, ass-hot spankable, Spoon.

Spooner:
[chuckles] What does that even mean?

Farber:
You know damn well what it means, okay? Now stop barricading and let me burrow the damn-ass keys. [Farber reaches for Spooner's car keys, but Spooner grabs his arm]

Spooner:
First of all, stop cussin' 'cause you're not good at it.

Farber:
Then let me get 10 for the bus, man. I've been there for you.

Spooner:
Go home.

Farber:
Okay. That's strike one, Spoon. Strike one. [Farber runs off, while Spooner gives a look that says "What's with that kid?"]