If You Only Knew

Parker Concorde:
This is Matt. And Troy. They've been here the longest, which is not saying much since the employees here have the shelf live of sushi.

Parker Concorde:
[apartment hunting] So, you don't have a problem rooming with guys?

Samantha:
No. I mean, before David it was Dean, and then before Dean it was Philip, and before Philip... Well, anyway, you get the point. Yeah, I... I feel safer living with a man. Plus, I made some great friends.

Parker Concorde:
So, you're not worried about things turning... romantic?

Samantha:
Romantic?

Parker Concorde:
I mean, you're very... You're a very attractive woman.

Samantha:
Oh, thank you, Parker. That's why I only live with men who are gay.

Jack:
Yeah, what's gonna happen when all you want to do is the filthy nasty with her and all she wants from you is an opinion on which earrings she should wear with a dress?

Troy:
Baby, I smell some gossip. I smell big, fat, stinking, juicy gossip.

Matt:
Troy, my friend, you have no idea.

Jack:
[as Boris, Parker's Russian boyfriend, checking out Sam's paintings] Oh, it's very nice, um, pictures.

Samantha:
In our country we call them paintings.

Jack:
[checking out her behind] Panties.

Samantha:
No, paintings.

Jack:
Panties.

Samantha:
[correctively] PAIN-TINGS.

Jack:
Pain-ties.

Jack:
[as Boris] What is the large rush? We am talking with Sam to get to know each other.

Jack:
[as Boris, thinly disguising his interest in Sam's breasts] Oh, this was an enormous, large, very good pleasure for me, and I'm looking very forward to the next time that I eat you.

Samantha:
That's the great thing about painting. If you don't like something, you just paint right over it and start fresh.

Kate:
Men are just giant artichokes. They're prickly and hairy and hard and... until you get to the heart.

Parker Concorde:
Which is the best part.

Kate:
Are you SURE you're gay?

Samantha:
He is sweet, isn't he? You ever had your ass waxed?

Jack:
Turn gay, attract women.

Parker Concorde:
I know. It's weird. Y'know, ever since I've been... gay... I've felt more comfortable around women than I've ever been.

Jack:
Well, of course. You got nothing at stake, you know? You're just waiting for Sam and her lawyer boyfriend to break up. Until then, no other woman in the world exists for you.

Parker Concorde:
That is so not true.

[a young woman jogs past them]

Jack:
Oh, yeah? What'd you think of her?

Parker Concorde:
Who?

Jack:
I rest my case.

Samantha:
[checking Parker's groceries] Oh, wow, my favorite - although I think you have it backwards, though. You're supposed to buy me dinner BEFORE we sleep together.

Parker Concorde:
Oh... Well, you know I'm sexually dyslectic.

Parker Concorde:
Penny for your thoughts.

Samantha:
Two bucks and you're on.

Parker Concorde:
Okay, but it better be good.

Bess:
Well, as they say at the bureau, you have to seize life before it seizes you.

Parker Concorde:
Thank you.

Bess:
You're welcome, but what for?

Parker Concorde:
For giving me an ending.

Tom:
Sam, let me ask you something. When you needed a friend, was Parker a friend?

Samantha:
What?

Tom:
And when you needed a lover, wasn't Parker a great lover?

Samantha:
GOOD lover.

Tom:
Really? Because I seem to remember you saying, "Oh, Tom, he's such a great lover!"

Samantha:
Okay! Okay.

Tom:
And when you needed a gay roommate, wasn't Parker a gay roommate?

Samantha:
Tom, what's your point?

Tom:
Just this - that ever since I've known you, you've never been able to find the kind of man who was everything you needed... until now.

Parker Concorde:
You know, I'm glad you came around, because I was about to have a coronary.

Samantha:
Yeah, me, too.

[a knock at the door]

Samantha:
[calling offscreen] That's Ben. Would you get that? Tell him I'll be out in a minute.

Parker Concorde:
Only if I can unleash the animals.

Newspaper Editor:
[checking over Parker's resume] Look, Parker, I-I'm not looking for writers. I'm looking for ideas. Ideas with heart. If you pitch me a... a great idea with heart, you get to write it. That's the wonderful world of freelance.

Parker Concorde:
Well, actually, I'm working on this... psychic hotline article.

Newspaper Editor:
Good. How's it end?

Parker Concorde:
How does it end? I don't know. I haven't gotten that far.

Newspaper Editor:
Well, you can't write it if you don't know how it ends - Journalism 101.

Parker Concorde:
I... wha... I guess I missed class that day.

Parker Concorde:
Well, if I'm pathetic, you're... pathetic-er.

Jack:
Nice one, writer-boy.

Matt:
[at the water cooler] What's wrong, pal?

Parker Concorde:
[sigh] Sam left me.

Matt:
Oh, come on, Park. There's PLENTY of guys out there for ya.

Parker Concorde:
Sam's a girl.

Troy:
[entering] Woo, a girl?

Parker Concorde:
I like women!

Troy:
Good, good. That's what I'm talkin' about! Join the club! See, that's what it's all about.

Matt:
I like 'em, too.

Troy:
Yeah. Does... does Jack know about this?

Parker Concorde:
I went out with Jack to avoid Tom.

Matt:
Yeah, but you and Tom were so... so cute together.

Parker Concorde:
My girlfriend set me up, so I HAD to go out with Tom.

Kim:
[joining in] Why would your girlfriend set you up with a guy?

Parker Concorde:
She thought I was gay.

Matt:
Kinky.