Johnny Dangerously

Roman Moroni:
I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel: You lousy corksuckers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes... like yourselves.

Johnny Dangerously:
You got those. I like those on a woman.

Danny Vermin:
You shouldn't grab me, Johnny. My mother grabbed me once... ONCE!

Roman Moroni:
Why you miserable cork-sucker!

Danny Vermin:
Dames are put on this earth to weaken us, drain our energy, laugh at us when they see us naked.

Danny Vermin:
I got something to stop him.

Dutch:
They made it for him special. It's an eighty-eight Magnum.

Danny Vermin:
It shoots through schools.

Ma Kelly:
The Lower East Side. This really sucks.

Ma Kelly:
Bless the saints, it's an ashtray! I've been thinking of taking up smoking. This clinches it!

Ma Kelly:
I know what you can't say. You wanna get laid. You wanna hump your brains out. Vavoom, vavoom, vavoom!

Lil:
And shelf paper! Oh, Johnny, I *love* shelf paper!

Ma Kelly:
You've gotten to be like a daughter to me and I wanna share somethin' with ya.

Lil:
Awww, what's that Mom Kelley?

Ma Kelly:
I go both ways.

Lil:
Oh.

Danny Vermin:
I AM handicapped: I'm psychotic.

Johnny Dangerously:
Hey Pope, why don't you go build yourself a new gym at the Vatican.

Ma Kelly:
I love em', but one day I'm gonna knock em' on his ass.

Roman Moroni:
This is fargin war!

Johnny Dangerously:
The years hadn't softened Moronie. He continued to murder the English Language, and anyone who got in his way.

Danny Vermin:
You shouldn't kick me in the balls, Mrs. Kelly. My sister kicked me in the balls once...

Johnny Kelly:
Say kid, what do they call you?

Lil:
Impressive.

Danny Vermin:
I enjoy collecting protection money, putting whores to work, loan-sharking. I enjoy planting bombs in people's cars. These are a few of my favorite things.

Johnny Dangerously:
The name's Dangerously. Johnny Dangerously.

Lil:
Did you know you're last name is an adverb?

Tommy Kelly:
You were gonna take a bullet for me.

Johnny Kelly:
Actually, I was just counting on a lot of missing.

Johnny Dangerously:
I never should have picked a name like that. A name like that you gotta live up to. What's your last name?

Hood:
Binderhoff.

Johnny Dangerously:
Binderhoff? Perfect. Keep that name and you'll stay out of trouble.

D.A. Burr:
(On Johnny Dangerously's payroll) Why don't you ease into the job, by taking a vacation?

Tommy Kelly:
But what about crime?

D.A. Burr:
Don't worry. It'll still be here when you get back!

Tommy Kelly:
Mom, it's prohibition!

Ma Kelly:
Oh, shut up! Stop acting like some fag choir boy!

Johnny Dangerously:
Yeah? Well that makes two of us.

Ma Kelly:
With a father like "Killer" Kelly, it's a wonder neither of you turned out to be a piece 'o sh*t criminal!

Lil:
So when I was 18 I left home and came here to Chicago.

Johnny Dangerously:
Uh Lil, this ain't Chicago. We're in New York.

Lil:
You're kidding.

Lil:
Well, New York, Chicago, to a girl on her own, it's all the same.

Johnny Dangerously:
Whatcha cookin' here ma?

Ma Kelly:
Beer.

Johnny Dangerously:
With noodles! Great idea!

Tommy Kelly:
...that Roman Troy Maronie was responsible for: the Mother's Day Massacre, The Christmas Day Slaughter, The Lincoln's Birtnday Mutilations, and The Groundhog's Day Be-headings!

Danny Vermin:
You shouldn't hang me on a hook, Johnny. My father hung me on a hook once. Once!

Danny Vermin:
Hey, doll, how'd you like to make some money?

Mary-Margaret Catharine Dineen:
One at a time, or both of you together?

Charley:
Johnny, is this true? 'Cause if it is,

Charley:
I don't know how to react!

Danny Vermin:
I've been fulfilling a lot of people's prophecies about me; I've become a real scumbag.

Danny Vermin:
This goes through armor. And through the victim, through the wall, through a tree outside...

Dutch:
It's the .88 Magnum. They made it for him special.

Danny Vermin:
It shoots through schools.

Dutch:
You can't park here. This is a handicapped zone.

Danny Vermin:
I am handicapped. I'm psychotic.

Tommy Kelly:
I just have one last question for you. If a train left New York at 300 miles per hour, and accelerated speed 15 miles per hour, and traveled a distance of 683 miles, tell me sir: what time would that train reach Chicago?!

Roman Moronie:
That's a fargin' trick question!

(Ma Kelly pours herself a drink from a flask in her purse)

Tommy Kelly:
Mom, it's prohibition!

Ma Kelly:
Oh, shut up! Stop acting like some fag choir boy!

Danny:
Hiya doll. Whats your name?

Old Cleaning Lady:
Mary Margret Catherine Denine.

Danny:
How would you like to make some money?

Mary:
One at a time or both of you together.

Danny:
How much would it cost for you to go clean room 708 and forget you ever saw us?

Mary:
Seventeen thousand dollars.

Danny:
Alright seventeen grand it is.

Johnny:
All right, here it is. Johnny Dangerously is going legit.

Gang Member:
Le-what?

Johnny:
Legit.

Gang Member:
Le-why?

Danny:
I'll tell you le-why. Le-cause Johnny Dangerously... is really Johnny Kelly, brother of the DA, Tommy Kelly.

Gang Member:
Johnny, is this true? Because if it is, I don't know how to react.

Warden:
Johnny it's an honor to have you on Death Row.

Johnny:
Ah don't be silly. The pleasure is all mine.

Lil:
Get this to Johnny on the grapevine. Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater tomorrow night. Got it?

Polly:
Got it.

Polly:
Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater, pass it on.

Prisoner:
Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater tonight, pass it on.

Prisoner:
Vermin is going to kill Johnny's mother at the Savoy theater tonight, pass it on.

Prisoner:
Vermin's mother is going to kill Johnny tonight at the Savoy theater, pass it on.

Prisoner:
There's a message an the grapevine, Johnny.

Johnny:
Yeah? What is it?

Prisoner:
Johnny and the Mothers are playin' Stompin' at the Savoy in Vermont tonight.

Johnny:
Vermin's going to kill my brother at the Savoy theater tonight!

Prisoner:
I didn't say that.

Johnny:
No, but I know this grapevine.

Warden:
Your turn, Johnny. The priest you've requested has arrived.

Priest:
Are you ready my son?

Johnny:
I'm ready if you are, Father.

Priest:
Dominus nabiscum, Nabisco. Esperitu sanctum. Dey gas da bus.

Prisoner:
So long, Johnny.

Prisoners begin handing Johnny pieces of a Tommy gun as he and the priest make their way down the row. He assembles it as they walk.

Johnny:
You bet.

Priest:
Me gas da bus. You gas da bus. We missed the bus. They missed the bus.

Prisoner:
Be brave, huh, Johnny?

Priest:
When's the next bus?

Johnny:
Always, Nails.

Priest:
Summa cum laude. Magna cum laude. The radio's too loudy. Adeste fidelis.

Prisoner:
Good luck, Johnny.

Johnny continues to assemble the gun.

Priest:
Semper fidelis. Hi fidelis.

Johnny:
Why didn't I take shop?

Priest:
Post meridian. Ante-meridian. Uncle Meridian. All the little meridians.

Prisoner:
Bye bye, Johnny.

Johnny:
Bye, Rock.

Priest:
The Magna Carta. Master charga.

Prisoner:
Spit in his eye, Johnny.

Johnny:
You bet, Rabbi.

Priest:
Dum procellas. Lotsa Vitalis.

Johnny receives the last piece of the gun.

Warden:
Do you have any last words, Johnny?

Johnny aims the now-completed gun at the warden and c*cks it.

Warden:
Well said!

Polly:
You missed, fuckface!

Johnny Dangerously:
The name's Dangerously. Johnny Dangerously.

Johnny Dangerously:
I never should have picked a name like that. A name like that you gotta live up to.

Johnny Dangerously:
Diversification. Yes, sir. We're constantly exploring new and exciting areas of crime. And I tell ya somethin'. We better, because there a couple Japanese gangs out there that are going to do it faster and cheaper.

Johnny Dangerously:
And you know for you kids out there who are thinkin' about smokin', don't start. And if you started, stop. Smokin' don't make you look tough kids. It makes you look stupid. If you gotta put something in your mouth, make it a stick of chewing gum. Sure, thats what Johnny does. Smoking is the worst thing you can do to your body.

Roman Moroni:
You fargin sneaky bastage. I'm gonna take your dwork. I'm gonna nail it to the wall. I'm gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder. I'm gonna cut off your arms. I'm gonna shove 'em up your icehole. Dirty son-a-ma-batches!

Vermin:
It’s A 88 magnum it shoots through schools and stuff.

Johnny:
Put your pecker away Vermin.