JonTron

JonTron:
And that's how you skin a cat. Bird. I don't care. Le's play the game already.

[musical cue for "I Will Always Love You" starts to play, Jon is screaming lyrics]

JonTron:
And I... HOLY SH*T... will always love you! I can't believe you'd do this to me! Goddamn it how could you do this to me?

JonTron:
Maybe I can end the game early by killing Gruntilda while she's out in the open! Get it! Kick her ass!

JonTron:
Oh geez. Oh darn it. They got fat.

JonTron:
I mean, what if after Super Mario World, Nintendo released a teaser trailer for Super Mario 64, and upon release day you are greeted with Mario City Simulator? And then you turned on the game and Shigeru Miyamoto's ghost comes out and is like "Ah f***in' who likes the old Mario games anyway? Am I right! BRB Makin' a Legend of Zelda Modern Warfare!"

JonTron:
Well, that's about enough life for me for one day. Let me check the time.

JonTron:
[looks at wrist]

JonTron:
Yes, it's about that time.

[falls over and explodes]

JonTron:
Also, can we take a minute to talk about the fact that Pikachu has a face of a, uh, a balding middle-aged man? Curly Howard, is that you? Did you come back? Did you come back from the ground mausoleum?

JonTron:
Ah, this game's like a breath of fresh air because it showcases all the Pok?mon that we've come to know and love over the years. You can see Beedrill, Porygon, Monkey, Mario Dinosaur, Poop, Abomination...

JonTron:
Oh, by the way, this game's pure bullshit.

JonTron:
Something you might notice is that Pikachu jumps like Sonic. He's even got those super-fast spinning feet when he runs like in Sonic 2. Oh hey, and he even charges up in a... in a ball... like... Sonic... the Hedgehog. That's So- that's Sonic. They, it's So- IT'S SONIC!

[picture of Sonic with red tint spins on the screen]

JonTron:
It turns out that this is actually a hack of an existing hack for the Game Boy Color called Sonic Adventure 7. Yeah, what happened to three through six? Do you even realize what this means? Ladies and gentlemen, we are playing what could be the world's very first double hack!

[cut to JonTron with two computers, typing in two codes at the same time; he lets out an orgasmic sound]

Jacques:
Whoa, Jon! You're in danger of reaching hack capacity!

JonTron:
Hold on a second. Talk about rocking out with your cock out! I bet you $50 that's the guy who made Moemon back there. That's Mr. Moemon.

JonTron:
Now this next one is actually one of my favorite ones. It's called Pok?mon Vietnamese Crystal. Yeah, that's actually what it's called.

Jacques:
That's racist.

JonTron:
[turns around to Jacques]

JonTron:
Now you listen here, pip-pip. A racist mind is a racist kind. You, you take that to sleep with you tonight cause I know, it's not gonna change hearts and minds in a day. You don't give a man a peanut, expect him to have a farm the next day. But it's aright. It's alright. One day, we will all be equal on this earth. Until then, I'm gonna give you a kiss, muffin.

[Jon kisses Jacques on the head]

JonTron:
And speaking of food, Pikachu himself looks like a f***ing potato.

JonTron:
Oh, not to mention, every single high score on this game is DDR, DDR, DDR, DDR, didn't bother to hide it, DDR, didn't bother to hide it, Pacman, DDR, LOSE, LOSE, LOSE, LOSE, LOSE, LOSE! Well, my work's done here! I'm gonna go get a goddamn glass of bootleg milk to calm my goddamn nerves. Feel like Geppeddo in the goddamn Pinocchio musical.

JonTron:
The Continue screen looks like a PSA for abused Pok?mon. To me, it's as if he's laying there, wouned in the light and a Pok?ball rolls up to him and Ash says, "Keep going, Pikachu, or it's back in the ball for you."

JonTron:
"Picaclick," "picaslot," "picadance," and... p..."Pacman?" That one is just called f***ing Pacman! OK! Hold on! No! That is the only game that had a P in it to begin with. They could have just as easily called it "Pikaman," as all the others are themed with "Pika," but no. They just let it Pacman. Alright, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they didn't want the subtlety of their, uh, blatant theft to be lost on the masses.

JonTron:
Jon, that doesn't go in there, you silly B*TCH!

JonTron:
Jumping in a car killed me. Nah, I don't, really. That's the way we wash our hands!

JonTron:
[throws controller down and walks off]

JonTron:
Fa la-la-la-la la! La la la la!

JonTron:
It's a cat, and you put him in a shirt.

[stamps exclamation point onto shirt]

JonTron:
Bam! It's Bubsy! I quit!

JonTron:
Oh my God, it's the tombstone music of death!

JonTron:
Might I just inquire why there are blades on a rock crusher? Why is there blood on said blades? Why is Bea Arthur inexplicably missing from this scene?

JonTron:
Well now all we gotta do is find a game for us to review!

[game falls out of thin air]

JonTron:
That'll do.

JonTron:
Conan the Barbarian, originally portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Guy doesn't take sh*t from no one. You kill his entire family, he comes back twenty years later and beheads you in front of your entire snake cult, and becomes the governor of the state of California. That's f***ing metal as f***, dude!

[character Avian Ally is shown in Conan:
Hall of Volta]

JonTron:
Oh, look! An avian ally! Now this is my kind of game right here! Very close to home. Jacques, come here! You got to see this!

JonTron:
[looks behind him]

JonTron:
Oh no, I think I left him upstairs. I turned off his alarm, right?

[cut to upstairs, Medicine Man opens the door with medicine]

Medicine Man:
Hey Jon, it's me! I brought your life-saving medicine!

Jacques:
[alarm blaring] Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill.

[shoots Medicine Man in chest with laser]

Medicine Man:
Oh, that's hot lasers! Oh, I'm dying of lasers!

[falls to ground]

JonTron:
Nah, it's probably nothing.

JonTron:
Oh, good morning, madam. You are looking full and robust today. You are blossoming like the most beautiful flower in all of Simmeria. Oh yeah, one more thing; your tits are f***ing fantastic.

JonTron:
Donkey Long Country Returns gets eight golden bananas plus out of Shigeru Miyamoto.

JonTron:
[holding copy of Foodfight!] Oh my God, sir. This is amazing. How long have you had this?

Store Clerk:
One million year.

JonTron:
I'll take it!

JonTron:
Honeybee, flower.

[ding]

JonTron:
Mouse, cheese.

[ding]

JonTron:
Dog.

JonTron:
[holding a box of raisins] Raisins? I don't see anything wrong with that.

[ear-raped]

JonTron:
Am I dead yet?

JonTron:
Is this like Toy Story rules or is this like, like The Fountain rules, where there's no rules?

JonTron:
[backing away] Oh God, help us. I think this is Fountain rules.

[playing with Hot or Not]

JonTron:
PeanutButterGamer; is he hot or not? Yeah, that's hot. Jacques? Ooh, baby, that's hot. Dinosaur bones? Well, I don't know about that. They've been in the ground for a while. Not!

JonTron:
Also, she's a Nazis. And a Star Wars.

JonTron:
Let's celebrate. Yeah! Ugly people never win! That's the moral of the story, guys!

[last lines]

JonTron:
[narrating] I guess some things you just never forget. Some scars never heal.

JonTron:
I don't even like you. Why did I put the time to put you in a goddamn locket? This is bullshit. I'm getting out of here.

JonTron:
Oh, Larry! You're just a... you're a f***ing a**hole.

JonTron:
This f***ing humming! That's like the joke voice people do when they're trying to pretend to act natural.

Police Officer:
[knocking on door] NYPD! Open up!

[cut to Jon in the bathroom with a giant knife]

JonTron:
Can't a guy get some privacy?

[begins to stab away, humming in a demonic voice]

Mrs. Boyd:
How about some roast beef?

Larry Boyd:
I don't want food, I want answers!

JonTron:
Goddamn it, Larry. You're hard to love, but you're harder to hate.

Harrison Sadler:
I told you; I study ghosts. I'm not a ghost.

JonTron:
Like me, specifically, I am not a ghost, but I've taken many courses in ghosts and I'm decently interested in ghosts, but I'm definitely not a ghost, and any information you find that may lead you to believe that I am a ghost, that is wrong. Trust me.

Jerry:
Oh man, you and your dumb hobbies!

JonTron:
Yeah, f*** you for being interested in things, you stupid b*tch!

Jerry:
Who makes wax rubbings?

Terri:
I do! Because I'm interested in things.

JonTron:
Okay, at first I was kinda advocating for you because he was being a dick for no reason, thought you were the victim, but now I can basically say that you're both pretentious f***s.

JonTron:
Macauley? Is that you?

Macauley Culkin:
That's me! I'm here to tell you it's not too late! You still have a chance!

JonTron:
Jesus, what happened to your face? You doin' alright?

Macauley Culkin:
I'm dead.

JonTron:
I mean, honestly, seeing you in interviews, you seem like a great guy. You just got a bit of a corpse face.

Macauley Culkin:
Jon, it's January 25th. You slept for a month! You slept through Christmas and starved your bird out!

JonTron:
Alright, Cronos. If I'm expected to believe it's January 25th, then why does my calendar say it's December 25th? Ano Domini, year of our lord, b*tch.

[calendar flips to January]

JonTron:
Uh-oh.

Macauley Culkin:
By the way, I'm trying to help you here. I'm gonna ignore how hurtful that last statement was about the corpse face and help you undo this thing. I shouldn't now. I shouldn't, but I gonna because I'm a good person. I didn't do that much drugs! And my dad stole my money! The only way to bring your dead friend back is to find a good game from the Home Alone franchise, which is... there's a lot of them, so good luck. I mean it. Please help me now. I got a couple two or three bookies on me and a few delayed car payments. Find the game please.

[after another nut pops]

JonTron:
What is it with these f***ing nuts?

[on Home Alone 5]

JonTron:
This one's for the Criterion Collection! They even got Malcolm McDowell! I sure they walked up to him, they didn't have to do any explaining. He said, "Hi, I'm Malcolm McDowell. I've worked with the greatest, I've worked with Kubrick, I've been in Clockwork Orange. Get the f*** out of my house. You ask me if I do Holiday Heist. You, would you ask me? Do you want the best caviar on the planet? You don't ask a man a question like that? Get the f*** out of my mansion."

JonTron:
Did I just trip up that robber with a spider and then do a moonwalk?

[drops controller]

JonTron:
That's it! This is the best game ever! Cue the song and dance!

[opens beer bottle that shoots out rainbows]

JonTron:
Who's running this hotel? The Addams family?

JonTron:
Also, I think this bear is tripping balls with that dog down there. That is the face of someone who's seen some sh*t.

[last lines]

JonTron:
Sh*t, I hallucinated all that, didn't I?

[first lines]

JonTron:
Nothing like the smell of 'nog on Christmas Eve, ay, Jacques?

Jacques:
That's racist.

JonTron:
This year, I'm gettin' nuts. Every other year I play it safe. Not this year. I'm gettin' nuts.

Jacques:
Hell yeah, boy! Let's do this. Time to get nuts.

JonTron:
You feel me? You feel me on this?

Jacques:
[eating a peanut]

JonTron:
You know, it never really struck me before, but I'm starting to think there might be a pretty big species divide between you and I on very, very different interpretations on what "getting nuts" means.

JonTron:
Where is that pasty-ass Skeletor motherf***er? Is he getting his ectoplasma in my toothbrush? I swear to f***in' God.

JonTron:
What's this, a potato? Did I just pick up a f***ing potato to stop robbers? Oh, well, there's the lightbulb for it, at least. That's good. Now I can knock 'em out with my impressive science skills! Brinks New Home Potato Security!

JonTron:
I don't know, what do you put on goiter? Salve? [pause] Sa...

JonTron:
I mean no exaggeration by this. The boxart is literally the best part about this game.

JonTron:
Look at all these games!

[picks up "Cool Spot" cartridge]

JonTron:
They just don't make 'em like Cool Spot anymore.

[last lines]

JonTron:
Anyone else notice this bird can talk? The f***'s that about, right?

JonTron:
If he ever wants to see his tool again, he has to go back to the stone age.

[pause, followed by image of a grumpy face]

JonTron:
I can't even believe- OOH! Where's the Pillsbury Doughboy Award? Pullsbb... What's the, uh, Paul Newberry? The one when we were kids!

JonTron:
What did I see? What am I seeing here? No, what am I, no, is this? Is this, am I right now, at this moment, as Tim Allen, from Home Improvement, using a lightsaber chainsaw to fight a raptor?

JonTron:
[cut to Jon in a raptor-like stance] Mmmmmmm!

[cut to Jon standing outside, back to camera]

JonTron:
Shiet.

Jacques:
Jon, can I play, too?

JonTron:
Oh, Jacques! You can't play. You don't have hands!

[smiles into camera as multiple rimshots are played]

Jacques:
Oh, yes! To my surprise, this is something I often forget!

JonTron:
Great! You've done it! You've gored an innocent animal!

Malkovich:
Okay, let's begin. Contestant Number You're Dead First, which game console is this cartridge for?

You're Dead First:
[sobbing] Where's my wife and daughter? Where's my wife and daughter?

Malkovich:
You see, this is why you're contestant number You're Dead First. Unbelievable. Ugh, this is, I can't even...

You're Dead First:
I am so sorry! Uh, it's, uh, Super Nintendo!

Malkovich:
Yeah, that's right. Thank you. I wasn't sure.

Malkovich:
[throws cartridge into garbage can]

Malkovich:
Now, for first game!

Malkovich:
Contestant Number You're Dead First, tell me. Has the milk gone bad? You drink.

Malkovich:
Welcome to the great year of 1997, with a new age of technology that nobody has seen in years 1996 and below!

Malkovich:
With all this science floating around my head, sometimes, life can get a-stress!

Voice-over:
Fax machine. Boss is mad.

Malkovich:
F*** C-SPAN. This is Malkovich's Gaming Guilty Pleasures!

JonTron:
Our tax attorney's house has graves in the basement. What the f***.

JonTron:
Fool me once, I'm mad. Fool me twice, how could you. Fool me three times, you're officially that guy, okay? You know him, you know the one. You go up to the bar and he's like, "This suit is, uh, officially it's a Giorgio Armani, ech, my dad knows him." F*** you!

[stares at camera]

JonTron:
I ain't havin' that sh*t!

JonTron:
Well, that was a load of sh*t. Can we sue?

Jacques:
Out the butt.

JonTron:
Yeah, we should sue.

JonTron:
Sonic Colors is actually a spectacular game that I suggest you buy on the Pirate Bay.

[after snorting a tray full of cocaine]

Head of Sonic Team:
Welcome to Sonic Team! We make games, I think!

Ray:
What the F*** is a Sonic?

(from "The Weird World of PSA's")

Mr. T:
I get angry just thinking about it makes me mad. Little kids doing drugs, it turns my stomach! (proceeds to shatter a glass of milk in his hands)

Jontron:
Mr T! Are you bleeding? You need a Band-Aid?

Mr T:
It hurts the user/ it hurts to use them. It hurts the-

Jontron:
Hey I’m good. Backup, we're good man.

Mr. T:
I just want to shake some sense in-

Jontron:
Let me go!

Mr T:
-some sense into you kids!

Jontron:
I’m not a kid I’m 26!

Mr T:
So remember, don’t! Or else! Okay?

Jontron:
Okay yeah, yo-you make a good point. I don’t like the smile. I was good until the smile. If you're gonna hurt me, hurt me. Don’t have me thinking about this 10 years later in a therapist office.