Kaamelott

Merlin, enchanteur:
Call up a pack of wolves? I'd like to but I warn you, if they turn on us and eat our butts don't come crying to me.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Let's have a little good behaviour, the round table isn't a barbecue.

Gueni?vre:
It seems to me that we should have sides of pork for the visit of the Duc de Gorlais, it's less classy than game, though.

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
My little nephew's a coppersmith. He can make me about 30 grails a day.

P?re Blaise:
It mustn't be forgotten that without the Romans we'd be just a bunch of yokels wading around in the mud.

Lancelot:
Fear not, Sire, I will protect the queen from the ferocity of the beasts of the night.

Yvain, Gueni?vre's Brother:
The quest for the Grail? I can't go, I have an ear infection.

[Arthur is confronted by certain Knights who reproach him for his obstinacy to refuse the practice of torture. He reads a parchment, hardly lending his ear to the words of his wife]

Gueni?vre:
Today I had the rose bush in the rear courtyard pruned because it really needed it.

[Arthur doesn't react]

Gueni?vre:
Why don't you tell me about your day?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Wait, it takes time to appreciate yours, not too many emotions in one go!

[Venec is still boasting about his products]

Venec:
[showing small toothed pliers] This is part of what I call the travel range. When you are out and you don't want to carry all the other stuff around with you, you take this.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
And that's for?

Venec:
You chop off a finger at the first phalanx.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Well, that's less vicious anyway.

Bohort, chevalier:
Less vicious?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Compared with everything else.

Venec:
It is progressive. One phalanx, another phalanx, if that does not work, you return to the first finger, you take out another phalanx... Anyway, it comes with a booklet which explains it all.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
We can always take four or five of them, not a bad investment.

Venec:
There we go, the whole tour. There is also this...

[brings out large shears]

Venec:
It is a beautiful tool, too.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
What do you cut with that?

Venec:
Whatever you like really, but it's rather for anything genital.

Bohort, chevalier:
Do you mind if I vomit?

[Arthur is explaining to Gueni?vre the workings of a curious utensil]

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
So you put this end into an orifice.

Gueni?vre:
An orifice?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
There's a choice but classically, it is, it... Then, you prick the bottom of the rat with the needle - right, this is a stuffed rat but it is just to show you! - the rat goes into the orifice and eats everything. [Arthur smiles observing the effects of his talk on his wife, becomes as uncomfortable about it as her] Yeah. You're right. It's nicer just to talk about our days.

[Arthur, his knights and P?re Blaise are meeting at the round table]

Galessin, Duc d'Orcanie:
Sire, I'm trying to understand.

Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse:
We've succeeded in catching the cattle thief, but he refuses to tell us the name of his accomplice: what are we waiting for?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
What are we waiting for? [checking with P?re Blaise] He still doesn't want to talk?

P?re Blaise:
Still not. He says that we get on his nerves.

Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse:
Even better.

Galessin, Duc d'Orcanie:
Who does he think we are, I ask you!

Bohort, chevalier:
What do you want us to do about it?

Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse:
We're not lacking in solutions.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
It's true that it's curious, this not wanting to torture. Where does it come from?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
It comes from my home. There's no torture, that's all.

Bohort, chevalier:
It's good that.

Galessin, Duc d'Orcanie:
Yes, it's very good. Very modern.

Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse:
And while we're waiting the accomplice is getting away.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
[to Arthur] Torture, it's not what you think! When it's done by a pro there's not a drop of blood.

Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse:
Just taking the tools out he cracks.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
And if he doesn't crack?

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
Ah well, then it's butchery!

P?re Blaise:
Ok, this is how it sounds "Chevaliers Perceval and Karadoc boldy boarded the boat, slew the giant serpent and were welcomed back to the village as heroes". How's that?

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
Good.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
Except we didn't get on a boat.

P?re Blaise:
What then?

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
Nothing. We were at the edge of the lake. I just took off my boots.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
We had water up to our knees.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
And the giant serpent attacked you at the edge of the lake.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
Yes.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
In that much [about three feet] water.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
Yes.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
How big was this giant serpent?

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
About this long [about two feet] .

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
So basically you caught an eel.

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
It's the smallest ones you have to watch out for.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
They're fast.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
The villagers welcomed you back as heros?

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
They're overrun by eels. Catching one does them a favour.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
You're not fish wardens!

P?re Blaise:
So will you be going back?

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
It's a long way.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
40 days to get there.

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
The same to get back.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
The time you were away three months it was that?

P?re Blaise:
I don't know how I'm gonna make this sound good.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Are the girly names really necessary?

Bohort, chevalier:
Sire! Don't go in there!

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Why not? It's the throne room.

Bohort, chevalier:
Atilla is in there! They say where he goes the grass doesn't grow back.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
There's no grass in the throne room.

Lancelot:
If your goal is to seduce women, all you have to do is become a chevalier.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Oh, yeah, that reminds me. I need a chevalier for a mission of confidence.

Lancelot:
A chevalier worthy of confidence? Won't be easy. What's the mission?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
To watch over the queen while I'm away.

Lancelot:
Hmm. [thinks] Well, I'll do it.

S?li, Gueni?vre's mother:
You know, the roof of your castle's falling apart.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
She's an expert on carpentry now.

S?li, Gueni?vre's mother:
I was sitting here at breakfast and a bird fell in my lap.

Gueni?vre:
A bird? [runs out of the room in a panic]

S?li, Gueni?vre's mother:
What did I say?

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
Something stupid.

Gueni?vre:
[talking about her phobia of birds] I never said it was logical.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
You were right.

Centurion Caius Camilus:
What haven't you nicked from the Greeks?

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
The costumes.

Centurion Caius Camilus:
Don't get me started on that, it'll finish badly.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
The little red skirts with bits of metal that's all roman.

Centurion Caius Camilus:
I've told you I can't stand the skirts but it's the standard uniform, I'm obliged.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
It's impressive!

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Oh, yeah!

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
When the Ostrogoths see you coming, it really freaks them out.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Centurion Caius Camilus [Arthur and L?odagon sing a camp tune]

Centurion Caius Camilus:
That's not right what you're doing.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Only last week the king of Orcadie had the tongue and fingernails removed from a knight who spilt meat juice on his shoes.

Bohort, chevalier:
What has this to do with a ghost?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
You don't think I may be one of the milder kings?

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
If I sit you on one of my catapults and aim at the Colosseum I like my chances.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
I hope there won't be too many storms this season.

Lancelot:
How much is a polymorphie potion?

Merlin, enchanteur:
Depends. Who do you want to change into?

Lancelot:
A famous person.

Merlin, enchanteur:
I changed into Julius Cesar for a party once. I won't tell you about the evening, though.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Oh, no. I hate this habit of bringing breakfast up to bed.

Angharad, Gueni?vre's maid:
I don't like it either. Madame has no idea how much work we have.

Gueni?vre:
It happens like that in Rome.

Angharad, Gueni?vre's maid:
In Rome, the houses are flat. Servants don't have to lug trays up six flights of stairs.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
Ah, this inn's the best place to be.

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
[to the hooded figure at the table] Hey, there's a free table over there you know.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
[the figure lowers his hood - it's Arthur] Sire! What are you doing here?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
And you, you bunch of idiots?

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
This table, it's called the "table of the cavaliers".

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
There was a guy who called it the "table of the two idiots" but I don't think he recognised us.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
You don't get the impression I'm sitting in a bath tub?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
[Arthur is questioning Lancelot about his conduct towards the Queen in the King's absence] So, when you're alone with the Queen, do you talk about me or not? [pause] You don't want to answer.

Lancelot:
I'm trying to decide, sire, which would make you more angry.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Either really.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
It was a good idea that. To give them one of your cows.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
I don't have cows.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
What? Where are you going to get one from then?

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
I thought maybe Kaamelott could give them a cow.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Kaamelott is not a bovine collective, we don't have any!

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
Oops.

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
Sire, the reason we've summoned you here -

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Excuse me? You think you can summon me? I'm here because I choose to be.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Have you, er... Did you, er... ever take a vow of celibacy?

Lancelot:
Pardon?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Just a question.

Lancelot:
Soon, sire, you will have proof that I did not take a vow of celibacy.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Hey! You could warn me when you're taking the pillows away.

Lancelot:
The reason we've called you here is that we have a serious problem.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Excalibur has been stolen.

Venec:
Excalibur? Your magic sword?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Exactly.

Venec:
So you called me here because I'm the chief thief?

Lancelot:
That's right.

Venec:
Well, let me have a look

[brings out a diary]

Venec:
Yeah, yeah, they were my guys.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
You told them to steal Excalibur?

Venec:
I told them to steal stuff, I didn't specify Excalibur!

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
We've asked Karadoc to be here because he's an expert on bread.

Guethenoc, peasant:
An expert on bread?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Yes. So, Karadoc? What do you think of this one?

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
It's sh*t.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Do you know Seigneur Karadoc?

Guethenoc, peasant:
Of course. He's the only member of the court who buys pat? by the pound. If everyone did that, there'd never be an unhappy peasant again!

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
It's true that from a military point of view, weaponary and military strategy, it's not the best. We can say that.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
I'm not saying anything.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
However, if it concerns food-

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
There, expert. Prince of the fork, except he eats with his fingers.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
I fear no-one.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Anyway. We've asked him here to taste your bread.

Guethenoc, peasant:
I also fear no-one.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
I'll start.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Go ahead.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
Which one?

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
The classic.

Guethenoc, peasant:
Wheat and rye, it's what I sell most of. [Karadoc tries a piece]

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Well?

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
It's crap.

Guethenoc, peasant:
What? This is your expert?

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
Karadoc, try not to be so categoric.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Try to develop it a bit.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
There's nothing to develop. It's crap that's all. If they served me this in an inn the innkeeper would get a quiche in his face.

Guethenoc, peasant:
You who are impartial, sire, you try it.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Oh no, I know this one.

Guethenoc, peasant:
Taste it.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Nothing doing.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
With pat? it's not magic but alone I feel like I'm eating my shoes.

Bohort, chevalier:
If only the king had your strength of character.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
What with his sword that lights up, his Merlin who does nothing and his lady of the lake who takes herself for a trout, the only thing the king of Britain is missing is a trapeze act.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
I don't know what you had to eat before you hit the sack, Bohort, but you've had what is commonly known as a bad dream.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
My father wasn't dishevelled. He had a stupid haircut but it was rather flat and secondly, he wasn't vaporous.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
How do you explain that I didn't hear the screams?

Bohort, chevalier:
You were asleep.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Precisely.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
[Lancelot has just returned from a meeting with the King and P?re Blaise to assess his heroic activities during the past week] How did it go?

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
Are they happy?

Lancelot:
I didn't have much this week. I saved an old man and his two sons from a forest fire.

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
And the King wasn't impressed?

Lancelot:
He's used to better from me.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
Well that's all right, he's used to nothing at all from us.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
It's not our wedding anniversary or any of that crap, is it?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
And you never confess?

Le R?purgateur:
Me? No! It's for the Church! When it's for the Church, you see, it's all right. That's it. That's the system...

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Even burning?

Le R?purgateur:
Yes. Even so! Burning is so beautiful!

Angharad, Gueni?vre's maid:
What would I be without you ? A miserable wretch...

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
Yes, indeed!

Angharad, Gueni?vre's maid:
You know, I don't cling to you because I am desperate. I'd like to ask you something. It may sound a bit daring but I must know.

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
Go on...

Angharad, Gueni?vre's maid:
I'd like to be certain that you feel the same than I do. Lord Perceval, do you, like me, live a romance?

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
I don't know that word!

Angharad, Gueni?vre's maid:
Do you mean that our feelings diverge?

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
Yes, indeed!

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
And beware - in hierarchy, knights are above druids !

Merlin, enchanteur:
No.

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
What, no?

Merlin, enchanteur:
Druids are above knights...

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
Really? And if I ask you "please"?

Gueni?vre:
Say. Isn't today your training with the ma?tre d'armes?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
[half asleep] I don't know. I don't remember what day it is.

The Ma?tre d'Armes:
[from outside] Ha ha! I'm waiting for you, your Majesty. Unless you want me to tell everyone you're nothing but a big queer who pisses in his armour at the thought of fighting.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
[without opening his eyes] Yeah, I think it's today.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Who's next to complain?

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
I don't know, I don't know the register by heart.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Oh come on, I like to have a rough idea of who's here to complain.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
What difference does it make? We sit there looking like we're listening, we say that's dreadful but there's nothing we can do about it and in an hour we break for a bite to eat. Don't really need a register.

[both shrug]

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
You're not going to play it during the meeting are you?

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
Lord Dagonet brought it back from Judea. He says it's typical.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
It's the round table, not a craft fair.

Demetra:
Where's your wife at the moment?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Rome.

Demetra:
Do you miss her?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
[thinks for a moment] No.

Demetra:
You've been with me for three nights now.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
You've had enough?

Demetra:
No. But the queen. Doesn't she mind it?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
No. Apparently after three days with you I'm relaxed and amiable.

Demetra:
That makes sense. After three days with her you're annoying and aggressive.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Let me simplify this even more. It's not just the statue that's pissing me off around here...

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
[to quiet a pack of wolves Arthur has been asked to sacrifice the queen] Stop insisting. I'm not giving you the queen. I've gotten used to her. It's taken long enough and I'm only now becoming able to support her presence. No offence, father-in-law.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
I admire you. I never could.

Madenn:
What about the queen? Anything on the way?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
No. I should get to it but I don't have the courage.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
That new emperor of yours. What's his name?

Centurion Caius Camilus:
Romulus Augustus.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
And how old is he?

Centurion Caius Camilus:
11 and a half.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
Talk about a superpower.

Centurion Caius Camilus:
He's really mature for his age though.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
Don't you find it humiliating being ordered around by a ten-year-old kid?

Centurion Caius Camilus:
We only give him about two months before he gets assassinated.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
You don't need to send them all to the room next door. Just send them to Gauvin's.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Lots of complaints?

Lancelot:
About a dozen.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
This is so stupid, this whole complaints thing.

Lancelot:
What do you mean?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
You tell the people they can come and complain to the king. They're not idiots, they come and complain.

Centurion Caius Camilus:
When it comes to defence you're not too bad, but as for food? You should come to Rome at least once a year to see what we do.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
Go ahead, we'll follow you.

Centurion Caius Camilus:
Don't take it the wrong way.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
For food you may be good, but for manners... We invite you to dinner and you just criticise.

Centurion Caius Camilus:
Invite? Invite? I'm supposed to be occupying the country. I don't need to be invited.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Occupying the country? You still believe that?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
You know, we don't really choose which side we get attacked from.

Goustan, Le Cruel:
The problem in Carm?lide, the demographic decline.

Gueni?vre:
Well, if you just chop people's heads off arbitrarily.

S?li, Gueni?vre's mother:
That's bound to have an effect on depopulation.

Goustan, Le Cruel:
I wonder where all those bloody peasants go.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
They all come here. They chose between The Cruel and The Just.

Lancelot:
[regarding the chastity belt Arthur insists his wife wear] Think of it as traditional.

Gueni?vre:
Yeah, right, traditional. I have to walk around all day padlocked in an iron contraption.

Gueni?vre:
I don't have anything against tradition. If I have to wear it, I will.

Lancelot:
It's just so people don't think he has no authority over you.

Gueni?vre:
I know, that's why I shout.

Lancelot:
Well, what we could do is, you wear it all day so people see you have it and then at night, I'll come and see you discreetly and unpadlock it so you can have a peaceful night.

Gueni?vre:
That's kind of you.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
When I return, we'll take it off.

Gueni?vre:
What's the point? Even if you lost the key it wouldn't change your habits.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Don't change the subject!

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Excalibur is not a butter knife. Are you aware of that?

S?li, Gueni?vre's mother:
What have you done with our daughter today?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Ever since you said there were birds falling through the roof she refuses to set foot in the dining hall again. And she's scared of birds because they have no arms!

S?li, Gueni?vre's mother:
How could I have raised that kid without noticing her fear of birds. Like that one [points to Yvain] , no idea what's wrong with him.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
I have everything you need.

S?li, Gueni?vre's mother:
I mean his fears.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
Wasps?

Yvain, Gueni?vre's Brother:
Not true!

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
Remember that time at his grandfather's? A wasp came flying round and he went all blue?

S?li, Gueni?vre's mother:
Oh! That's what that is! That's why he eats in the kitchen during the summer and doesn't set foot outside!

Yvain, Gueni?vre's Brother:
Gauvin's cousin got a wasp sting in his mouth and they had to cut his throat open so he could breathe.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
What with him who eats in the kitchen and his sister who eats in her room, it's getting quite special.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
[to Guethenoc] I've never even spoken to your daughter!

Madenn:
Yes, you did at that village dance. You plucked a ladybird from my hair and asked if it was my sister.

Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles:
Yeah!

Lancelot:
That's romantic!

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
[discussing the new round table] I'm not sure about the leather, though.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
It does look a bit like a dressmaker's studio.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
I must admit I saw the table made from stone.

Breccan:
What? Bring four tonnes of stone up that spiral staircase? I'm not Merlin, you know.

Gueni?vre:
Come on ! I am sure that you darken the picture. You are not that old!

Merlin, enchanteur:
I am still and all nearly 884...

Lancelot:
How old?

Merlin, enchanteur:
884 years old. In three weeks.

Lancelot:
Gosh!

Gueni?vre:
How is it possible?

Merlin, enchanteur:
I am half demon. Demons are not bloody the same. Besides, in demonic calendar, I am about seven years old and I will be allowed a moogriave.

Lancelot:
What's that ?

Merlin, enchanteur:
A moogriave ? It's like a puppy, but really ugly!

Morgane la Fay:
Where are you going?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
If today's not the day, it's not the day.

Morgane la Fay:
With all the muck he just put on your neck, it'll get infected and you'll die in three days!

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
So come back in three days.

S?li, Gueni?vre's mother:
They should stop giving banquets for 50 people every month.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
This one's for the chiefs of the clans.

S?li, Gueni?vre's mother:
So?

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
They're not 50. They're 2,000.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
This place is disgusting, crap all over the floor.

Merlin, enchanteur:
Oh, that's me when I transform into an owl.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
So I continue 60 leagues to the north.

La dame du Lac:
Well, 60 or 65.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
OK, then what?

La dame du Lac:
You'll arrive in a large clearing.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
How will I know it?

La dame du Lac:
Er... it's large.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
That's an excellent battle plan.

Lancelot:
Perfect.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
Hmm. The last time we fought the vandals we had a perfect plan. As I recall we came home with our tail between our legs...

Lancelot:
That was Karadoc.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
While trying to catch his horse he strayed into the enemy camp.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
Oh yes, that was it. That story went completely out of my head.

L?odagan, roi de Carm?lide:
You're married like me, you know monstrosity can take many forms.

Bohort, chevalier:
We make the changes as the occur.

P?re Blaise:
Well make them yourself, I've had enough, I give up. [pause] Sorry. I'd just finished a superb 's'.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
It's not an option, you note down everything. I never asked for letters 15 feet high and decorated with flowers and angels though.

Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes:
Don't take out the pictures, it's the only bit I understand.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
What is this thing?

Angharad, Gueni?vre's maid:
What thing? The statue?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Yes the statue, not the back wall.

Angharad, Gueni?vre's maid:
It's a statue.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Don't take me for an idiot, I warn you.

Angharad, Gueni?vre's maid:
You asked me the question.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
What's it doing in my room?

Angharad, Gueni?vre's maid:
[sighs wearily] Don't shout at me.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
I'm not shouting.

Angharad, Gueni?vre's maid:
Madame brought it back with her from Rome.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Madame is back. First news.

Angharad, Gueni?vre's maid:
You have to understand her. She realises that your couple is not going well. I think you're too hard on her, you should let her woo you in her own way...

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Ok, mind your own business and leave me in peace.

Perceval, chevalier du Pays de Galles:
[Attending a ceremony to admit a new knight to the round table] What did you say this was called?

Lancelot, chevalier du Lac:
Adoubement.

Perceval, chevalier du Pays de Galles:
Huh. That's hard to remember. They could have come up with another word.

Lancelot, chevalier du Lac:
[annoyed] What do you think it should be called?

Perceval, chevalier du Pays de Galles:
I dunno. Chevalierisation? [Lancelot glares at him] What? It's already taken?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Perceval! If this doesn't interest you, there's no need to stay.

Perceval, chevalier du Pays de Galles:
No, it interests me.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Well shut up then. What would you have said if they'd done the same during your adoubement?

Perceval, chevalier du Pays de Galles:
My what?

Lancelot, chevalier du Lac:
Adoubement.

Perceval, chevalier du Pays de Galles:
That? I never had that.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
What do you mean?

Perceval, chevalier du Pays de Galles:
The Mass, the sword, all the rest. It wasn't done back in my day.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Look under G.

Perceval, chevalier du Pays de Galles:
Gerceval?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
Perceval de Galles.

Perceval, chevalier du Pays de Galles:
Hey, don't go to all this trouble just for me.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
It's for me we have to go to all this trouble. If it gets out that there's a bunch of oafs who aren't even knights at the round table, by tomorrow I'll have half of Britain on my arse.

Perceval, chevalier du Pays de Galles:
Look under F.

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
F?

Perceval, chevalier du Pays de Galles:
I dunno. You haven't looked under F, have you?

Gueni?vre:
How did the battle go?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
New technique: we behave like idiots, the other side laughs, we strike. It's new.

Gueni?vre:
Everyone does that?

Arthur, roi de Bretagne:
No, just us. Because we have to pass for idiots in record time. There, we're considerably ahead.