Kick-Ass 2

Colonel Stars and Stripes:
Try to have fun. Otherwise, what's the point?

Mindy Macready:
Game on, cocksuckers.

Chris D'Amico:
[laughs] Oh, this is perfect. Are you really that stupid? There's two of you, and a whole army of us. Do you really have such a hard-on to die?

Dave Lizewski:
What's the matter, Chris? Sh*t hit your shorts?

Chris D'Amico:
Yeah, and I'm gonna wipe my ass with your face.

Dave Lizewski:
You're gonna pay for what you did to my dad.

Chris D'Amico:
Your dad? You blew up my dad with a bazooka.

Mother Russia:
Are you ready to die, little girl?

Mindy Macready:
I might be, if I have to keep looking at that sh*t stain you call a face.

Mindy Macready:
Hit me.

Dave Lizewski:
You're a 15-year-old girl.

[Mindy slaps Dave]

Dave Lizewski:
What the hell?

[Mindy slaps Dave again]

Mindy Macready:
Act like a b*tch, get slapped like a b*tch.

Chris D'Amico:
[posing with guns] I know what my role is in this, Javier. My dad was a crime boss, so it just makes sense. I'm a super-villain! It's evolution.

Javier:
Come on, just put those things down before you hurt somebody, Chris.

Chris D'Amico:
That's not my name.

Javier:
Okay, okay... uh, red-Red Mist.

Chris D'Amico:
No, Red Mist was my superhero name. Henceforth I'll be known as The Motherf***er!

Mr. Kim:
Ow, it hurts!

Colonel Stars and Stripes:
Yeah there's a dog on your balls!

[laughs]

Harlow:
Maybe she's a dyke.

Mindy Macready:
Maybe I'll jam my foot up your snatch.

Mr. Kim:
Who the hell are you?

Colonel Stars and Stripes:
We're the good guys.

Dave Lizewski:
[bumping into Goth Kid] Ow, watch it.

Goth Kid:
Watch me end your life!

Marty:
Come on forget it, it's just one of those d*ckheads that follows the Motherf***er on Twitter.

Dave Lizewski:
Who?

Marty:
The Motherf***er. He's some guy planning to be the world's first super-villain. He's got like a thousand followers already.

Dave Lizewski:
What an a**hole.

Chris D'Amico:
I'm here to end Kick-Ass.

Mindy Macready:
You don't have to be a bad-ass to be a superhero, Dave. You just have to be brave.

Dave Lizewski:
I want to team up, like Batman and Robin.

Mindy Macready:
Nobody wants to be Robin.

Dave Lizewski:
What's wrong with Robin? Weren't you like Big Daddy's Robin?

Mindy Macready:
Okay, Robin wishes he was me.

Dave Lizewski:
What I'm trying to say is we should be partners. You and me, like the dynamic duo.

Mindy Macready:
I'm in the NFL, Dave. And you play pee-wee.

Dave Lizewski:
So train me. I want to walk the walk, and you're the closest thing I know to a real superhero. Aren't you tired of being on your own? Don't you want to know someone's there for you? Someone who's got your back?

Mindy Macready:
If I ever catch you robbing again, sh*t-burger, I'm going to go to Saudi Arabia on your ass and cut your hand off. Promise me you're done with a life of crime?

Alley Hood:
I-I promise.

[grabs a knife but quickly has his hand severed]

Mindy Macready:
Pants on fire.

Chris D'Amico:
We are the Toxic Mega-C*nts!

Marty:
Well, I became Battle-Guy after my parents were mugged and killed coming home from the opera. Did I tell you that the sick bastard maxed out their credit cards on porno sites?

[first lines]

Mindy Macready:
A handgun bullet travels at more than 700 miles per hour.

[Mindy pulls a gun out]

Dave Lizewski:
Hey, whoa! Absolutely not! No.

Mindy Macready:
Look, if you don't want to do it, you don't have to do it.

Dave Lizewski:
Okay, good. I don't want to do it!

Mindy Macready:
Fine.

[Mindy shoots Dave in the chest]

Todd:
You guys watch Spider-Man last night? Is it weird if Aunt May gets you kind of hard?

Marty:
Not if you're a granny-slammer.

Dave Lizewski:
[voice-over] If I was even thinking about a Kick-Ass sequel, I had to get serious.

Chris D'Amico:
What the hell, Mom? Did you delete the news off the DVR?

Mrs. D'Amico:
Yes. Yes I did, Christopher.

Chris D'Amico:
That was the one with Kick-Ass!

Mrs. D'Amico:
Ugh, Christopher! You've got to stop obsessing over this superhero!

Chris D'Amico:
He is not a superhero, Mom. He's a murderer! He blew Dad up with a bazooka, for f***'s sake!

Mrs. D'Amico:
[making sign of the cross] Your father died in a fire.

Chris D'Amico:
A fire! What is your problem?

Mrs. D'Amico:
You! You are my problem! I am trying to raise you to be a normal boy. That's why we moved to Long Island after your father's accident.

Chris D'Amico:
A bazooka is not an accident, you delusional b*tch!

Dave Lizewski:
You're not scared, to die?

Mindy Macready:
Are you scared you're never gonna grow into your big boy pants?

Dave Lizewski:
I'm serious. What if Spider-Man or Batman got killed one night? Like, it could happen.

Mindy Macready:
If you're scared of dying, one thing is certain - you are going to die. My daddy was never afraid of dying.

Dave Lizewski:
Look where that got him.

Mindy Macready:
He knew he might have to make the ultimate sacrifice one day. And that's why he made me promise I'd never stop defending this city. Cross my heart, hope to die.

Dave Lizewski:
Your dad was insane. You know that, right?

Mindy Macready:
You're wrong, Dave. My daddy was the first real superhero. Not you or Red Mist. It was my daddy, and it was an honor to serve by his side.

Javier:
[referring to Mrs. D'Amico] Damn she had a nice pair of guns.

Chris D'Amico:
Dude, she's dead! Don't talk about her tits.

Javier:
[holding pistols] I was talking about these.

Dave Lizewski:
[in disguise] I'm the whitest pimp ever.

Detective Marcus Williams:
[after catching Mindy as Hit-Girl] Your father was like a brother to me. He was a great cop and a hero. But Big Daddy - that was not your father. Okay? That was someone who robbed you of your childhood. And this... Hit-Girl. That's not who you are. You are Mindy Macready, and you're just starting high school. I understand that you don't know who that person is yet, but you will. You just gotta try.

Mindy Macready:
I don't want to.

Detective Marcus Williams:
You don't know what you want. You can't. You're not an adult. Not yet.

Mindy Macready:
Yeah, well I've done more in my 15 years than most adults have in their lifetime.

Detective Marcus Williams:
That note that your father gave you, the one that you were supposed to open if anything ever happened to him, what'd it say?

Mindy Macready:
That you would take care of me.

Detective Marcus Williams:
And that you were supposed to listen to me, right? Well, listen up. I want you in school, I want you to stop talking to that boy, and I want you to promise me that this is never going to happen again.

Mindy Macready:
[after long pause] Cross my heart, hope to die.

Erika Cho:
[to Dave] 15 gets you 20, pervert!

Katie Deauxma:
You remember Malik?

Dave Lizewski:
Dude who volunteers at your needle exchange?

Katie Deauxma:
His baton is so much bigger than Kick-Ass'.

Dave Lizewski:
No.

Katie Deauxma:
Yeah. And by baton I mean penis.

Dave Lizewski:
Yeah, I got that. Thanks.

Dr. Gravity:
This is the zero-G device I invented. It can levitate any object up to a ton.

Dave Lizewski:
For real?

Dr. Gravity:
Hell no, man! This is a baseball bat wrapped in tin foil. But it fooled you!

Dr. Gravity:
[yelling] Beware Dr. Gravity!

Old Man:
[walking in on The Motherf***er's robbery] What's wrong with you, boy?

Chris D'Amico:
Get on the floor too, Gandalf, or I will bust a cap in your ass!

Old Man:
You're going to bust your own face when that gun kicks if you don't hold it properly.

Chris D'Amico:
Just get on the ground!

[Old Man slowly gets on the floor]

Chris D'Amico:
[getting agitated] God! Will you hurry up?

[the Motherf***er shoots his gun, hitting himself in the face]

Old Man:
I told you!

Brooke:
Hi, Detective Williams! This must be Mindy.

Detective Marcus Williams:
It is. Hi, Brooke. So you girls have some fun and I'll pick you up in the morning, okay?

Mindy Macready:
I'll be the one with the slit wrists.

Mindy Macready:
[after watching Union J's music video] What the f*** was that?

Dolce:
I know, right? I'm soaked!

Brooke:
That - that is who you are, Mindy. You may not dress like us or talk like us, but when it comes to boys we're all the same. Twilight, Channing Tatum, Union J... it's biology, b*tch. Don't fight it.

Mindy Macready:
I, um... I gotta go.

Dolce:
But we were going to go get high on bath salts at Logan's house!

Insect Man:
I've been bullied my whole life for being gay. So now I stand up for the defenseless. It's why I don't wear a mask. Too much like being back in the closet.

Colonel Stars and Stripes:
As long as your heart's in the right place, we don't care what you put in your mouth.

Marty:
It's still blowing my mind. Kick-Ass! It's like finding out your best friend's always been Will Smith.

Chris D'Amico:
Anybody else want to be a super-villain? Promise I pay better than Chuck "little dick" Liddell!

Chris D'Amico:
Javier, thank you. I couldn't do this without you. You're pretty much like the only real family I have left.

Javier:
Not a problem, man. I got your back.

Chris D'Amico:
Hey, it's kind of like you're the Alfred to my evil Bruce Wayne.

Javier:
Did you just call me your f***ing butler?

Chris D'Amico:
Yeah, is that not a compliment? Sh*t, my bad.

Uncle Ralph:
It's okay to have a bit of fun but you can't go hiring a gang of heavy hitters. Javier should've told you.

Chris D'Amico:
No, it doesn't matter. Uncle Ralph, I'm going to make Kick-Ass pay for what he did to us.

Uncle Ralph:
Chrisy, you need to forget that punk. It's more important that you stay out of this. You're not like me, your dad. You're... special.

Chris D'Amico:
You can't tell me what to do anymore. I know who I am now.

Uncle Ralph:
Oh yeah, and who's that?

Chris D'Amico:
The Motherf***er.

[Uncle Ralph laughs]

Uncle Ralph:
You think you're the big bad guy, huh? Let me show you what real evil looks like.

Dr. Gravity:
We're going to organize a fight. There are a lot of guys online who said they're in if we need them.

Tommy's Mum:
Are you kidding me? This isn't West Side Story.

The Tumor:
Eat a dick!

Mindy Macready:
You're going to eat yours if you don't start talking.

The Tumor:
Go ahead and shoot me, you little b*tch. There's nothing you can do to make me talk.

[Mindy pistol whips The Tumor]

Dave Lizewski:
Hold on. I can't do this right now. It's my dad's funeral.

Mindy Macready:
Dave, your father loved you... just like my daddy loved me. And I know it hurts but maybe... maybe that's the real meaning of being a superhero. It's taking that pain and turning it into something good. Something right. Remember what you told me? This is your life. You've got to live it. Now help me find some pliers. I'm going to make this guy eat his own dick.

The Tumor:
Seriously?

Mindy Macready:
[in Russian, to Mother Russia] I would've thought a c*nt like you could handle all those pricks.

Dave Lizewski:
What is wrong with you dude? This is not a comic book. This is real life! When you're dead, it's done. There's no sequel.

Chris D'Amico:
You made this real. You started it. And I'm going to end it! I'll be immortal. Like an evil Jesus!

[Mindy kisses Dave]

Dave Lizewski:
What was that?

Mindy Macready:
That was my first kiss. Be nice or I'll rip your ass out through your mouth.

[last lines]

Dave Lizewski:
[voice-over] When Mindy left, that's when I finally understood where my life was going. Just like it had to eventually happen, that real people would try to be superheroes, eventually it had to end too. Superheroes can't exist in the real world for a reason. It's because the real world needs real heroes, and not some punk in a wetsuit playing dress-up, but a genuine badass who can really kick ass.

Colonel Stars and Stripes:
[to Eisenhower] You have to stay in there till you calm down, you lunatic. Wonder what's bothering you.

Mother Russia:
I know. Tonight you die.

Colonel Stars and Stripes:
[draws gun] Ladies first.

Mother Russia:
You will not shoot me. You are super hero. You help people. You do not hurt them.

Chris D'Amico:
That's super villain territory or as I like to call my little gang, The Toxic Mega-C*nts.

The Tumor:
[waves] Hi.

Colonel Stars and Stripes:
[takes gun; clicks, Mother Russia realizes it's empty] Yeah, just like your head.

Genghis Carnage:
[Mother Russia overpowers Colonel, pulls out a machete and stabs him] Yeah!

The Tumor:
Ooh, that's gotta hurt.

[Mother Russia uses Colonel's coat to wipe his blood off her blade]

Chris D'Amico:
I did my homework on you, Colonel. You used to be Sal Bertolinni, didn't you? Did a few jobs for my dad back in the day before you got born-again?

Colonel Stars and Stripes:
[dying] I used to hangout with a lot of losers.

Chris D'Amico:
Is this how you thought you would die, Sal? Dressed like an idiot?

Colonel Stars and Stripes:
Who are you supposed to be?

Chris D'Amico:
I'm the Mother F***er! And I'm here to end Kick-Ass. Not just kill him. I am going to sh*t on everything that he loved. Let's trash this place guys. [picks up mail statement] Miranda Swedlow. Who's that, Sal? She one of the whores on your team? [googles her name and matches her with her face on the poster] Night B*tch. All snuggled up to Kick-Ass. Looks like our boy's got a new hot pocket.

Mother Russia:
Want me to kill his dog?

Chris D'Amico:
The dog, Jesus Christ, I'm not that evil. Cut the old man's head off. You guys hungry? I'm starving. Let's go get some pizza.

Mother Russia:
Don't worry, I kill you first.

[wraps legs around Colonel's neck]

Colonel Stars and Stripes:
Justice Forever...

[snaps neck; dies]

[from trailer]

Mindy Macready:
Oh take your tampon out... Dave!

Chris D'Amico:
[Kicking Dave Lizewski in the ground] No. No. People WANT to win the lottery, people WANT to f*** Scarlett Johansson, no one WANTS to risk their life so some moron can walk through the projects at night.

Dave:
I wanna team up, like Batman and Robin.

Mindy:
Nobody wants to be Robin.

Dave:
What's wrong with Robin? Weren't you like Big Daddy's Robin?

Mindy:
Robin wishes he was me.

Dave:
What I'm trying to say is, we should be partners. You and me, like the Dynamic Duo.

Mindy:
I'm in the NFL, Dave. You play pee-wee.

Dave:
So, train me. I wanna walk the walk, and you're the closest thing I know to a real superhero. Aren't you tired of being on your own? Don't you wanna know someone's there for you? Someone who's got your back?

[Pause]

Mindy:
And you'll do anything I say?

Dave:
Anything.

[Cut to Dave and Mindy in her training room]

Mindy:
Hit me.

Dave:
You're a fifteen-year-old girl... [Mindy slaps him] What the hell?

Mindy:
Act like a b*tch, get slapped like a b*tch.

Dave:
Oh, God.

Dave:
[narrating] Mindy beat me like morning wood, every day for three weeks.

Mindy:
Come on, guard up! Left, right. Guard up!

Dave:
[narrating] Even with my damaged nerve endings, it hurt like hell. In a weird way, I kinda liked it. It gave me a sense of purpose.

[Hit-Girl fights off a gang of thugs, she talks to one of them.]

Hit-Girl:
If I ever catch you robbing again, sh*t-burger, I'm gonna go Saudi Arabia on your ass and cut your hand off. Promise me you're done with your life of crime?

Thug:
I-I promise.

[The thug then pulls a knife, but Hit-Girl suddenly slices his hand off. He screams in pain.]

Hit-Girl:
Pants on fire.

Mr. Lizewski:
Dave, have you been sneaking out at night? Miss Neipert said she thought she saw you leaving at two in the morning.

Dave:
Miss Neipert's crazy, Dad. She tried to teach her dog Spanish.

Kick-Ass:
JUSTICE FOREVEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!

Battle Guy:
Glad you got that out of your system.

Javier:
He's little, and he kills.

Chris:
Right. Call him "The Tumor". Who's next?

Javier:
Alright. We got an ex-Triad member, looking for work.

Chris:
Easy! "Genghis Carnage"! Come on!

Javier:
You gotta quit with the racist stereotypes, Chris.

Chris:
Archetypes. Keep going.

Javier:
Alright, we got a Katryna Dubrovsky. Yeah.

Chris:
Wait, wait, wait, a chick? You're saying you hired a chick?

Javier:
Yeah. Former KGB. She was locked up in the gulag until she ate her cellmate.

Chris:
"Mother Russia".

Javier:
Mother Russia and Motherf***er both on the same team? That doesn't work, Chris.

Chris:
I am not asking for suggestions. Just get them costumes and get them ready. Javier, thank you. I couldn't do this without you. You're pretty much like the only real family I have left.

Javier:
Not a problem, man. I got your back.

Chris:
It's kinda like you're the Alfred to my evil Bruce Wayne.

Javier:
Did you just call me your f***ing butler?

Chris:
Yeah, is it not a compliment?

[Dave finds his father in his room, holding his crime-fighting gear and realises Dave is Kick-Ass]

Mr. Lizewski:
Is this what you've been up to while I'm up working nights saving for your college? You've been dressing up and fighting people? There is blood on these stick things!

Dave:
What are you doing in my room?

Mr. Lizewski:
I was looking for drugs. I was worried about you.

Dave:
Oh okay, good. Now you can stop.

Mr. Lizewski:
No. Now I'm even more worried. Jesus, Dave, drugs would've been better. This is deranged.

Dave:
Whoa, some people do a lot worse.

Mr. Lizewski:
Oh, the people you hang out with?

Dave:
No! The people I hang out with are superheroes.

Mr. Lizewski:
There's no such thing, Dave. This is the real world with real consequences! When are you gonna grow up?

Dave:
If it means turning into you, never. I don't wear the mask 'cause I'm ashamed of who I am! Not like you!

[Dave starts putting clothes in his backpack.]

Mr. Lizewski:
What's that supposed to mean?

Dave:
If you're not at work, you're here doing crunches. Why? So you can look like someone else? Maybe get a few more years of doing nothing? Your life has no meaning, Dad. When you're gone, who's gonna notice? [heads towards door]

Mr. Lizewski:
Where the hell are you going?

Dave:
Oh, uh, I'm leaving. That's what you do when you grow up. [walks out the door, leaving his father distraught]

Kick-Ass:
What's the matter, Chris? Sh*t hit your shorts?

The Motherf***er:
Yeah, and I'm gonna wipe my ass with your face.

Kick-Ass:
You're gonna pay for what you did to my dad."

The Motherf***er:
YOUR dad? You BLEW UP my dad with a BAZOOKA!

Dave Lizweski/Kick-Ass:
What an a**hole.

Dave Lizweski/Kick-Ass:
You and me, like Batman and Robin.

Dave Lizweski/Kick-Ass:
What's the matter, Chris? Sh*t hit your shorts?

Dave Lizweski/Kick-Ass:
You're gonna pay for what you did to my dad.

Dave Lizweski/Kick-Ass:
This is real life. There is no sequel.

Dave Lizweski/Kick-Ass:
There’s no room for punks in suits. Just real heroes who can really kick ass.

Mindy Macready/Hit-Girl:
Avengers assemble, a**hole.

Mindy Macready/Hit-Girl:
This 15 year old girl just owned your ass.

Mindy Macready/Hit-Girl:
Pull over, Pukeface!

Mindy Macready/Hit-Girl:
Are you afraid you're not gonna grow into your big boy's pants?

Mindy Macready/Hit-Girl:
This isn’t a costume, it’s who you really are.

Mindy Macready/Hit-Girl:
You know all that homophobic sh*t makes you sound super gay.

Chris D'Amico/The Motherf***er:
Get the word out that I'm building an evil army.

Chris D'Amico/The Motherf***er:
I'm going to make Kick-Ass pay for what he did to my Dad.

Chris D'Amico/The Motherf***er:
Hence forth I'll be known as The Motherf***er!

Chris D'Amico/The Motherf***er:
My superpower is that I'm rich as sh*t.

Chris D'Amico/The Motherf***er:
I'm gonna wipe my ass with your face!

Chris D'Amico/The Motherf***er:
Whats the point of wearing a mask if you can't do what you want?!

Chris D'Amico/The Motherf***er:
Your dad? You blow up my dad with a bazooka!

Sal Bertolinni/Colonel Stars And Stripes:
Alright, time for initiation. Turn around and I'll unzip you.