Kicking & Screaming

Phil Weston:
I was born a baby, a blank slate. I thought I was in control of my own destiny, and then I met my dad.

Phil Weston:
You're my assistant. You're supposed to back me up and go get me juiceboxes whenever I want. Now go get me a juicebox!

Mike Ditka:
DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?

Phil Weston:
I'm talkin' to the juicebox guy!

Mike Ditka:
You're crazy!

Phil Weston:
I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty!

Mike Ditka:
OH, YOU GO TO HELL!

Phil Weston:
No, you go to hell, and while you're there, why don't you grab me a juicebox!

Phil Weston:
What is that haunting aroma?

Mike Ditka:
Way to go, Bing Bong!

Ann Hogan:
Hi, Mr.Ditka. I was wondering - my son byong-sun is a little shy, so could I get an autograph?

Mike Ditka:
Yeah, sure, how do you spell it?

Ann Hogan:
B-Y-...

Mike Ditka:
I think I got it. [gives paper]

Donna Jones:
[walking away looking at autograph] Bing-bong?

Mike Ditka:
[team is doing push-ups] If you guys were the Bears, I'd fine you $10,000 apiece.

Phil Weston:
I am angry. I'm like a large tornado of anger, swirling about.

Buck Weston:
I take a vitamin everyday. It's called a steak.

Phil Weston:
Hey, I almost had you!

Buck Weston:
What do you call that again, when you almost win? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... Losing!

Phil Weston:
Ambrose

Ambrose:
Yeah?

Phil Weston:
I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week?

Ambrose:
I was breaking my back for you coach because of my love for the game.

Phil Weston:
LIAR!

Phil Weston:
[to Mark] How many sarcastic pills did you take this morning?

Phil Weston:
Well, if it isn't Porkface Jones. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin' but a fart-faced kid.

[kid starts attacking him]

Phil Weston:
GET HIM OFF ME!

[someone pulls kid off]

Phil Weston:
That's like the little jackal from hell!

Buck Weston:
We've got balls!

Phil Weston:
And vitamins!

Buck Weston:
But mostly balls!

Phil Weston:
[with all the kids from the Tigers and Gladiators teams]

Phil Weston:
AND VITAMINS!

Phil Weston:
They're like 4-foot whirling dervishes. I don't even know what a whirling dervish is but that's what they're like.

Ann Hogan:
You ease up on him.

Phil Weston:
You just ease up there on your corduroy jacket.

Byong Sun:
Whoo! Electric in the air!

Jim Davidson 'The Captain':
[after the Tigers have arrived to the soccer field from the butcher shop and are covered in blood] You know, actually one of my kids forgot his socks so we forfeit; yeah, we forfeit!

Jim Davidson 'The Captain':
[turns and starts sprinting to their cars] Run to the car, kids! don't look back! Run!

Phil Weston:
[Phil is being kicked out of Beantown] What's happening Derek, I thought we were friends.

Beantown Employees:
My name is Andy.

Phil Weston:
No, your name is Liar, 'cause you tell lies.

Phil Weston:
Hey, you didn't have to take up two spaces!

Obnoxious Hummer Lady:
Actually, I did. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh? [indicating Phil's smaller sedan] This is cute, though! You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha!

Referee:
Where do I know you from?

Phil Weston:
I've been your neighbor for the last seven years!

Referee:
No, that ain't it.

Phil Weston:
That's definitely it!

Referee:
I'll figure it out.

Ann Hogan:
Byong-Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance.

Phil Weston:
[reading title] My Child is Shy. Thanks. [pause] I'm sorry, who's your son?

Donna Jones:
Byong-Sun.

Phil Weston:
Oh, I see. [pause] Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry. [realizing they are lesbians] Oh wait, now I see! Wow!

Ann Hogan:
We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents.

Phil Weston:
No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents.

Ambrose's Dad:
Oh, so they're better?

Phil Weston:
No, they're different.

Donna Jones:
What do you mean "different"?

Phil Weston:
I mean, you're different because you're better.

Ambrose's Dad:
How are they better?

Phil Weston:
You're both better different... in a different but better way!

Ann Hogan:
Uh, okay. [she walks off with Donna]

Ambrose's Dad:
It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.

Byong Sun:
[introducing himself] I'm Byong-Sun.

Phil Weston:
Hi, Byong-Sun.

Byong Sun:
I am a very kind person.

Phil Weston:
Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer?

Byong Sun:
No sir.

Phil Weston:
Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one megaperson.

[Ambrose gives him a dirty look]

Phil Weston:
Okay, forget I just said that.

Mark Avery:
Hi, I'm Mark Avery - you know, I like to keep my pimp hands strong [waving hands, gesturing] You dig, Cracker? Ya feel me?

Phil Weston:
What does that mean?

Mark Avery:
I don't know, I heard it on a rap video once. But I'm really funny. I've got like a million jokes.

Phil Weston:
Great, I'd love to hear one. Shoot.

Mark Avery:
Remember the time when you caught and you fell over?

Phil Weston:
Right, yeah...

Mark Avery:
[all the kids laugh] Ha ha! I got ya good! I burned ya! I got ya, bad!

Phil Weston:
How did I get burned? Okay, apparently I don't get it.

Phil Weston:
[to Barbara] My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you? [quick cut to Ditka house]

Mike Ditka:
So Paul, what's on your mind?

Phil Weston:
Actually, it's Phil.

Mike Ditka:
It's not Paul?

Phil Weston:
No.

Mike Ditka:
What's the difference? Spit it out. [lights a cigar]

Diana Ditka:
Mike?

Mike Ditka:
Here, hold this. [gives cigar to Phil]

Diana Ditka:
Oh no! We do not allow smoking in the house!

Phil Weston:
I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.

Diana Ditka:
You should be.

Mike Ditka:
[Phil hands back cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey!

Donna Jones:
[second lesbian extends her hand to Phil's, shaking it with a joltingly strong grip] Donna Jones. You can call me 'Chief.'

Phil Weston:
Looks who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears...

Mark Avery:
Sammy Sosa?

Mike Ditka:
C'mon!

Phil Weston:
Football... coached the 1986...

Mike Ditka:
'85.

Phil Weston:
Right, '85 Bears to Superbowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!

Mark Avery:
Do you know Sammy Sosa?

Mike Ditka:
Hey, zip it, kid!

Sam Weston:
Dad, you're getting a little creepy.

Phil Weston:
I know, let's all bay at the moon.

Sam Weston:
What?

Phil Weston:
You know, howl at the moon... like this. Owwwwooooo... owooo... ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwoooo!

Neighbor:
Shut up out there!

Phil Weston:
You shut up in THERE! [continues howling, and all the kids join in; momentarily, a pack of snarling dogs charge into the yard]

Neighbor:
SHUT UP OUT THERE!

Phil Weston:
YOU SHUT UP IN THERE!

Buck Weston:
You know how hard it's been for me ever since your mom died.

Phil Weston:
She didn't die! She divorced you!

Buck Weston:
Ehh... tomatoes, tomahtoes.

Massimo:
[after Sam keeps falling over] Mama Mia! You're a real DUFFER, you know?

The Tigers:
[winning team, shouting] Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate?

Mike Ditka:
Shut up, ya little rats!

Phil Weston:
They're just showing their appreciation.

Mike Ditka:
I don't care about appreciation, I just want to win a soccer game.

[throws down his clipboard and walks off]

Phil Weston:
[picks it up] Can I have this?

Phil Weston:
Sure.

Phil Weston:
Alllllright!

Mike Ditka:
[to the Tigers team] This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your whole lives. But when it's over...

Phil Weston:
Don't get emotional...

Mike Ditka:
When it's over...

Phil Weston:
When it's over...

Mike Ditka:
You guys are gonna be champions!

Phil Weston:
Champions!

Mike Ditka:
Now let's get out there and kick some butt!

Phil Weston:
On three, 'let's have fun'.

The Tigers:
[all chant] One, two, three, Let's have fun!

Mike Ditka:
[to Phil, mocking] 'Let's have fun,' what's THAT?

Buck Weston:
Oh, this oughtta be good. If we live long enough, we'll see Iron Mike and Aluminum Phil coaching the Tigers.

Mike Ditka:
I couldn't really hear ya, Weston. My Superbowl ring was making too much noise.

[crowd hisses]

Phil Weston:
[after Sam gets conked on the head with soccer ball] C'mon, Sam! Get the circulation back in your skull!

Phil Weston:
[crying to Ditka] I don't like coffee! It's a vasoconstrictor!

Buck Weston:
[to Phil] Be warned, muchacho! You're in the show, now!

Barbara Weston:
[trying to comfort an anguished Phil] Phil, I love you...

Phil Weston:
[crying] What does THAT have to do with ANYTHING?

Phil Weston:
[to Barbara] Mike Ditka scares me! Have you ever looked into his eyes? Or at his hair?

Phil Weston:
Hi, I'm Phil Weston and this is my son, Sam. I'm new to coffee... I was wondering if you could mix half of the regular version with half of the decaffinated version?

Beantown Employees:
[to coworker, annoyed] Half-caff...

Beantown Customers:
Right, Half-caff.

Phil Weston:
A Half-caff!

[to Sam]

Phil Weston:
We're gonna have a Half-caff.

Sam Weston:
[to customer] We're gonna have a Half-caff.

Beantown Customers:
[annoyed] Yay.

Beantown Employees:
Half-caff.

Phil Weston:
Thanks.

[takes a sip, it's way too hot and he drops the coffee]

Phil Weston:
Yowww! Mother of Pearl!

Beantown Employees:
[more pissed now] You shoulda waited for the jacket.

Phil Weston:
Right... I just got too eager. Uh...

Beantown Employees:
[to coworker] 'nother Half-caff!

Beantown Customers:
[more pissed] Right, 'nother Half-caff!

Phil Weston:
Are you a robot-woman? Are you a robot?

Barbara Weston:
I am not a robot!

Mike Ditka:
Did you just kick your son?

Phil Weston:
Yeah.

Umberto:
[making the two boys recite] Prima la carne, prima la carne.

Gian Piero:
Prima la carne.

Massimo:
Prima la carne.

Phil Weston:
What?

Umberto:
Meat first, THEN soccer!

Phil Weston:
Right, meat comes first!

Mike Ditka:
New game plan - pass the ball to the EYEtalians!

Phil Weston:
[to Gian Piero and Massimo] Take the field. Taka the fielda.

Phil Weston:
This is Gian Piero and Massimo. They're apprentice butchers.

Mark Avery:
Could the blacksmiths and candlestick makers not make it?

Mike Ditka:
Shut up!

Ann Hogan:
Coach Ditka? Hi. Our son, Byong Sun, he's very shy, and we were wondering [hands him a pad to autograph]

Mike Ditka:
Sure, 'be happy to.

Ann Hogan:
Thank you so much. It's Byong Sun [spelling] B-Y...

Mike Ditka:
[autographing] I think I got it. [hands it back to them] Bye bye.

Mike Ditka:
[to Phil, awkwardly] Just... a wonderful couple.

Ann Hogan:
[looking at the autograph] What...

Donna Jones:
"Bing Bong"?

[Referee's hairpiece falls off; Byong Sun picks it up and puts it on]

Byong Sun:
Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!

Referee:
[chasing him] You little... give it back!

Phil Weston:
[grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back] Sorry about that.

Bald Soccer Dad:
How much do you think one of those things costs?

Phil Weston:
I have no idea.

Mike Ditka:
I eat quitters and spit out their bones!

[Phil, Barbara, and Sam arrive at Buck and Janice's home after the game]

Janice Weston:
Hi, you guys!

Barbara Weston:
Hi!

[hugs Janice]

Barbara Weston:
Hi, Buck.

[she kisses him]

Buck Weston:
Hey it's my two favorite people and Phil!

Phil Weston:
Very funny, Dad. I've never heard that one before.

Phil Weston:
[Byong Sun uses a drinking cup to make popping noises] 'Scuse me... just... don't do that with the cup, okay? [Byong Sun momentarily stops, embarrassed]

Phil Weston:
[passing out DVDs] These are instructional DVDs. Study them. Watch them. I only watched it once and already I learned this - it's called "Up and Over". [he shows them this new kick, nearly wrecking the fireplace]

Phil Weston:
[hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery] Here, hold this.

Barbara Weston:
Guys, I told you, no playing soccer in the house.

Phil Weston:
You did, you said it a lot.

Barbara Weston:
Who did that?

Phil Weston:
[pointing to Mark] He did.

The Tigers:
HE DID!

Phil Weston:
What? Nut'uh! [the kids all descend upon him]

Connor:
Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?

Phil Weston:
All in good time, Connor. But in the event the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision... that we will eat Byong Sun.

[Byong Sun backs away from the campfire, freaked out]

Phil Weston:
Okay, we're not gonna eat him. But he does look pretty appetizing, you have to admit.

Sam Weston:
You gotta lighten up.

Phil Weston:
He started it!

Phil Weston:
Every time you say something back to me, it makes me love you more!

Buck Weston:
Heh.

Sam Weston:
How do you say pizza in Italian?

Gian Piero:
Pizza!

Sam Weston:
How do you say "spaghetti"?

Gian Piero:
Spaghetti!

Ambrose:
Italian's easy.

Phil Weston:
[on park pay phone with Umberto] I'm really getting sick and tired of this 'Meat Comes First' thing!

Party Guests:
[singing] Happy Birthday to you! Happy...

Phil Weston:
Quiet please! Shut up! I'm on the phone and you're not the only ones in the park!

Phil Weston:
So when i took over for Coach Benson...

Clark:
[interrupting] I hear he's a woman now! [laughter from the party guests]

Buck Weston:
Yeah.

Phil Weston:
Actually uh, truth be told, *no one* knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned. [more laughter] I don't know *why* that's funny. [applause]

Mark Avery:
Hey Buck, remember when we beat you at the championship game?

Buck Weston:
Oh yeah, well remember the time when I shoved that kid into the pool? [kicks Mark into the swimming pool]

Phil Weston:
OK, you caught me. The finches were a bad idea. And I wasn't gonna say anything, but I think some of them may have salmonella. A fair amount, in fact. I may have inadvertently poisoned your children.

Phil Weston:
Pizza at my house!

Mike Ditka:
Every good thing starts with a Brat!

Phil Weston:
[javelin drops just next to Barbara] Sorry. It's really windy!

Barbara Weston:
[catching her breath] No it's not.

Phil Weston:
It is over there.

Mike Ditka:
Coffee is the lifeblood that fuels the dreams of champions.

Phil Weston:
All right, Tigers. Lets get ready to play, huh? I don't want to see any laziness here. If we win this we're in the finals. If we get a big lead, we gotta pummel these guys, pummel them at all costs. Dominate, and hammer them. I want you to play dirty, if you have to, but don't get caught. Byong Sun, stay low. Ok. That's easy for you. Just chop-block 'em in the back of the knee. That will work well. Ambrose, you're big. Don't be afraid to throw the elbow. If you break someone's collar bone, that's a good thing, that's what the medic's for. Otherwise he's just sittin' around. All right! You hear me!

Phil Weston:
You don't think? Ya don't think? Well, I don't think you should be buttin' in when I'm talkin' to my team. You're my assistant, OK? You're supposed to back me up and go get me juiceboxes when I tell ya. Now go get me a juicebox.

Mike Ditka:
YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKIN' TO?

Phil Weston:
I'm talkin' to the juicebox guy.

Mike Ditka:
You're crazy!

Phil Weston:
I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty.

Mike Ditka:
WELL, YOU GO TO HELL!

Phil Weston:
No, you go to hell, and while you're there, why don't you grab me a juicebox!

Mike Ditka:
I'M NO JUICEBOX BOY, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!

Phil Weston:
Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka:
No, I'm not!

Phil Weston:
Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka:
No, I'm not!

Phil Weston:
Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka:
No, I'm not! You're like your old man!

Phil Weston:
I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN!

Mike Ditka:
If it weren't for these kids, I would whip your butt!

Phil Weston:
I CAN TAKE A PUNCH!

Phil Weston:
That's like the little jackal from hell!