Kiss and Tell

Corliss Archer:
[When Dexter refuses to buy a guest towel from Corliss at a charity bazaar] You claim to love me so much, and then when it comes to putting up a measly dollar for a guest towel, you're not interested.

Dexter Franklin:
Well, gee whiz.

Corliss Archer:
Oh, it's all right, Dexter. Forget it. And when it comes to taking me out to the movies tonight, I'm not interested.

Dexter Franklin:
[reluctantly] Okay, give me a towel.

Corliss Archer:
[glancing in Dexter's wallet] Dexter, you've got a five dollar bill in there!

Dexter Franklin:
Yeah, it's gonna stay there.

Corliss Archer:
Oh, Dexter, you wouldn't want Mildred to sell more than me, would you? Come on, be a sport. It's for the USO!

Dexter Franklin:
Okay, give me five.

Corliss Archer:
Oh, Dexter! You're really very sweet. [kisses him]

Dexter Franklin:
Wow! Holy cow!

Raymomd Pringle:
Why are you driving me home? I wasn't selling kisses. I think it's all very dumb.

Corliss Archer:
Oh, Mother, I don't see why you're making such a fuss about it. After all, it was only -

Janet Archer:
Be quiet, Corliss.

Mildred Pringle:
I'm sorry you're upset, Mother, but I don't see any harm in what we did.

Janet Archer:
Perhaps not, but you're nearly eighteen and Corliss isn't even sixteen yet. Besides, Corliss has been brought up quite differently.

Dorothy Pringle:
I resent that remark.

Janet Archer:
[to Corliss] I don't see how you could let Mildred persuade you to do such a thing?

Dorothy Pringle:
Now just a moment, Janet. As I understand it, the whole idea originated with Corliss.

Corliss Archer:
As a matter of fact, it was Dexter who started it all.

Dexter Franklin:
Me? [hits his head on the top of the car] Ow. Holy cow, you must be crazy!

Raymomd Pringle:
I think it's all very dumb. What does it matter whose idea it was?

Dorothy Pringle:
You be quiet. It matters a great deal.

Raymomd Pringle:
No kidding, Mrs. Archer, selling kisses is recognized as a perfectly legitimate -

Janet Archer:
I don't want to discuss it, Raymond.

Corliss Archer:
Mother, if you'd only listen.

Mildred Pringle:
It was for a very noble cause.

Raymomd Pringle:
I think it's all very dumb.

Janet Archer:
When we get home, Dorothy, if you'd care to come in where we can thresh this out properly -

Dorothy Pringle:
No, thank you, Janet. I have no desire to intrude where my daughter is considered a contaminating influence.

Mildred Pringle:
Mother, please!

Janet Archer:
Why, Dorothy, I never said -

Dorothy Pringle:
Oh, yes, you did. Those were your very words, Janet. And I, for one, am not likely to forget them.

Raymomd Pringle:
Let's turn on the radio, this conversation's getting nowhere fast.

Pvt. Jimmy Earhart:
I hear you've got a brother in the service.

Corliss Archer:
Um-hmm. Lenny's a lieutenant in the air corps. And I have an Uncle who's a chaplain in the Navy. My brother's coming home pretty soon.

Pvt. Jimmy Earhart:
Oh, that's swell. How old is he?

Corliss Archer:
Oh, Lenny's in his 20s. He's just a few months older than I am.

Pvt. Jimmy Earhart:
How few?

Corliss Archer:
Oh, I forget, three or four.

Pvt. Jimmy Earhart:
You know, I've got a kid sister just going on 14.

Corliss Archer:
Oh my, they're cute at that age. I mean, all legs and elbows and, you know what I mean. We still have some faded old snapshots of me at that age, and I was a scream.

Mary Franklin:
Now, Dorothy, don't get excited.

Dorothy Pringle:
I'm not excited. I'm just so furious I could chew nails.

Raymomd Pringle:
I think it's all very dumb.

Dorothy Pringle:
Oh, you be quiet. You think everything's dumb.

Raymomd Pringle:
It's my experience that most things are.

Raymomd Pringle:
[to Corliss who's crying in the garden] You're quite emotional, aren't you? Most women are. I think it's dumb. Mother's having hysterics, too. Pop's swearing to beat the band. Words even I never heard before. Mildred's crying her eyes out.

Lt. Lenny Archer:
[looking up when Mildred's name is mentioned] Why, what's the matter?

Raymomd Pringle:
Oh, they're picking on her.

Lt. Lenny Archer:
What for?

Raymomd Pringle:
Well, it's really very funny. You see, she just got back after being gone all day, and she won't say where she was and -

Lt. Lenny Archer:
Go on, go on.

Raymomd Pringle:
Now Pop's beginning to think maybe she is leading people astray after all.

Lt. Lenny Archer:
Look, you've got to help me. Can you keep a secret?

Corliss Archer:
Cross my heart.

Lt. Lenny Archer:
Mildred and I were married this morning.

Corliss Archer:
Oh, Lenny! What are Mom and Daddy going to say?

Lt. Lenny Archer:
Well, I was going to break it to them tonight, but now with this new row going -

Corliss Archer:
Does anybody know? About your being married, I mean?

Lt. Lenny Archer:
Not a soul. We drove across the state line to Windham Ferry and dug up a justice of the peace. He and his wife are the only ones who know. Except you.

Corliss Archer:
But you're gonna tell Mom and Daddy, aren't you?

Lt. Lenny Archer:
I don't know. I'm afraid now her parents might move heaven and earth to have it annulled.

Corliss Archer:
Could they?

Lt. Lenny Archer:
I guess they could. She lied about her age on the license.

Corliss Archer:
Golly. How awful

Lt. Lenny Archer:
Awful is right.

Corliss Archer:
Gosh. That makes Mildred my sister-in-law, doesn't it?

Lt. Lenny Archer:
[after Mr. and Mrs. Archer came home after a fist fight with the Pringles] Now listen, after this you're not to say anything. You've got to swear.

Corliss Archer:
I'll take an oath in blood, like we did when we were kids. Will that satisfy you, Lenny?

Lt. Lenny Archer:
Well ...

Corliss Archer:
You know I never went back on that. And this is Daddy's blood, too!

Lt. Lenny Archer:
Okay.

Corliss Archer:
I swear in blood by everything that I hold sacred that I will never reveal your secret.

Lt. Lenny Archer:
You'd better not, that's all.

Corliss Archer:
They could torture me, and I wouldn't tell!

Nora Wilcox:
[catching Corliss leaving an obstetrician's office] Why, hello, Corliss.

Corliss Archer:
Hello, Mrs. Wilcox. Oh. Oh, golly, can you imagine? I just went into the wrong office.

Nora Wilcox:
Well, it looks like it, dear. An obstetrician is a sort of a baby doctor.

Corliss Archer:
Oh, is it? Golly, how embarassing. Long words like that always throw me for a "lop".

Nora Wilcox:
What do you hear from Lenny?

Corliss Archer:
[nervously backing up] Oh, well, he's in the Pacific. Uh. I haven't heard anything from him now, I don't know where he is. We haven't had any V-mail for - for several weeks. [bumping into an orthodontist's office door] Oh! That's the word that confused me.

Nora Wilcox:
Say hello to your mother for me, Corliss.

Corliss Archer:
You bet, Mrs. Wilcox.

Corliss Archer:
Were you treating Betty Campbell to a coke? That frizzed out blonde?

Dexter Franklin:
I was - well, we just happend to meet. I mean, gee, well, well as a matter of fact, it was a root beer.

Corliss Archer:
Dexter Franklin, kindly leave this property at once.

Dexter Franklin:
Well, holy cow, I tell you -

Corliss Archer:
If there is one thing I will not stand for, it's fragrant infidelity!

Mildred Pringle:
The word is flagrant, Corliss.

Corliss Archer:
Well, what did I say?

Dexter Franklin:
You said fragrant.

Corliss Archer:
Well, I meant it. Your behavior stinks! Now get out!

Dorothy Pringle:
Well, I've just learned something, Janet, that I feel it's my duty to tell you. And you were the people who felt that my daughter was a bad influence on yours.

Harry Archer:
If you've come over here -

Janet Archer:
Now, please. Let's try not to forget we're gentlepeople.

Dorothy Pringle:
Too bad you didn't think of that when he knocked four of Bob's teeth down his throat.

Janet Archer:
All right, Dorothy. Now, what is it?

Dorothy Pringle:
I thought you might be interested to know that your daughter, who might be contaminated by associating with Mildred, is in serious trouble with a soldier.

Harry Archer:
Get out of my house!

Janet Archer:
Harry!

Harry Archer:
Get her out of here before I lose my temper and smash her bridge work.

Dorothy Pringle:
I don't blame you for being upset. I was shocked myself.

Harry Archer:
Just what do you mean?

Dorothy Pringle:
I mean just what I say, she's in trouble.

Janet Archer:
How dare you?

Harry Archer:
And I say you're a liar!

Dorothy Pringle:
Then suppose you ask Corliss why she's been visiting Dr. Fabling in the Professional Building.

Harry Archer:
Corliss!

Dorothy Pringle:
Just in case you don't know already, Dr. Fabling only takes obstetrical cases.

Corliss Archer:
[after being called downstairs after Dorothy Pringle accused her of being pregnant] Yes, Daddy, I heard what she said. I wasn't actually listening. I couldn't help hearing.

Harry Archer:
Then tell her that she's a liar. Go ahead. You have my permission to use the word.

Corliss Archer:
[reluctantly] Well, I ...

Dorothy Pringle:
If ever I saw guilt written on a human face, that's it.

Janet Archer:
Sit down, Corliss.

Dorothy Pringle:
If you want to lead up to it gently, ask her if she was at the corner of Jefferson and Fifth yesterday with her soldier friend having a cocktail.

Corliss Archer:
It was a shrimp cocktail. I'll murder that Betty Campbell!

Harry Archer:
What soldier?

Janet Archer:
I know all about that, Harry, it was Private Earhart.

Corliss Archer:
Corporal Earhart.

Janet Archer:
Be quiet, Corliss.

Harry Archer:
What's this about Dr. Fabling in the Professional Building?

Corliss Archer:
I -

Dorothy Pringle:
Now, there's no use trying to deny it. You were seen leaving his office yesterday and the week before by two different people. And yesterday you were seen meeting this soldier.

Janet Archer:
Corliss. Corliss, look at me. Is that true?

Corliss Archer:
Yes, Mother.

Janet Archer:
Oh, darling.

Dorothy Pringle:
I'm sorry, Janet. But perhaps in the future you'll be a little bit more careful when you talk about people leading people astray.

Dexter Franklin:
[entering after Corliss says that Dexter is the father of her baby] Hi, everybody.

Harry Archer:
Get out of my sight, you vile, unspeakable, shameless, filthy, little swine!

Dexter Franklin:
[thinking he's referring to the previous day when he had slapped Corliss on the arm] Gee whiz, I'm sorry. It'll never happen again.

Janet Archer:
Harry, please, I implore, control yourself. Murdering him isn't going to do any good.

Dexter Franklin:
Holy cow. It was Corliss' fault as much as it was mine.

Harry Archer:
You filthy, little cad!

Corliss Archer:
Oh, Dexter! Dexter, you don't know what you're saying!

Dexter Franklin:
[to Corliss] Holy cow, I asked you not to tell him. But - but Mr. Archer, it was all in fun.

Corliss Archer:
Oh, Daddy, please. Please, don't kill him!

Corliss Archer:
Dexter, you've got to take an oath in blood not to breathe a word if I tell you the truth.

Dexter Franklin:
Okay, I swear - [hits his head on a tree branch] Ow!

Corliss Archer:
You can take it sitting down.

Dexter Franklin:
All right. I swear in blood. Look, here's blood on my chin. I just shaved.

Corliss Archer:
Well, in the first place, Mildred and Lenny are married.

Dexter Franklin:
What! Married! [Corliss shushes him] Holy cow.

Corliss Archer:
And in the second place, Mildred's gonna have a baby.

Dexter Franklin:
She is?

Corliss Archer:
But her parents and my parents don't dream they're married, so of course they can't know she's gonna have a baby. See? I'm the only one who knows.

Dexter Franklin:
Well, go on.

Corliss Archer:
Well, I've been going with Mildred to see her doctor, Dr. Fabling in the Professional Building.

Dexter Franklin:
And then what?

Corliss Archer:
And evidently, someone saw me coming out of his office, and must have phoned Mrs. Pringle, and well, she came tearing over here, and now everybody seems to have jumped to the conclusion that I'm going to have the baby.

Dexter Franklin:
[laughing] Oh, boy! You *are* in a jam!

Corliss Archer:
Well, for a while, everybody thought Jimmy was to blame, and Daddy was just calling the C.O. to have him executed.

Dexter Franklin:
Gee, whiz.

Corliss Archer:
Yes. Then - then Daddy was just demanding to know who it was, and then you came in, and for some reason, they all seem to think it's you!

Dexter Franklin:
What? No wonder your father tried to kill me! Holy cow! I'm a dead duck!

Corliss Archer:
Dexter, would you mind not denying it for a little while? I've got to have time to think.

Corliss Archer:
[Mrs. Archer thinks Corliss is pregnant] Mother, do you think I'm awful?

Janet Archer:
I've already told you what I think, and it hasn't made the slightest impression. You don't seem to realize what a dreadful thing this is. Oh, I don't understand you, Corliss.

Corliss Archer:
Mother, do you hate me? Please, don't hate me.

Janet Archer:
Hate you? Oh, darling! Darling, of course I don't hate you.

Corliss Archer:
You know, I think Daddy'd like to break my neck.

Janet Archer:
Only because he loves you so, you little idiot.

Corliss Archer:
Mom, please don't feel so awful. Oh, Mom, please don't cry. Oh, if only I could explain ...

Janet Archer:
I'm so ashamed, Corliss. I feel it's all my fault.

Corliss Archer:
Oh, Mom, no, no!

Janet Archer:
To think, how we used to dream about the day you'd get married.

Corliss Archer:
But, Mother, we are married.

Janet Archer:
What?

Corliss Archer:
Well, naturally, Mom. I mean, golly. Well, surely you didn't think that - well, naturally we're married.

Janet Archer:
But Corliss -

Corliss Archer:
Mom, how could you possibly think we weren't married?

Janet Archer:
Then why didn't you say so?

Corliss Archer:
Well, I haven't had a chance. Daddy's been yelling ever since, and I was sent to my room.

Harry Archer:
Somehow, I just can't believe that I'm the father-in-law of that "Holy cow"!

Janet Archer:
Just think, our little girl married to Dexter.

Harry Archer:
Just so long as it takes to get it annulled!

Janet Archer:
Harry, you can't.

Harry Archer:
Why not?

Janet Archer:
Because they're going to have a baby. I hope it'll be a girl.

Harry Archer:
Janet, you amaze me. How can you stand there calmly and hope it's going to be a girl?

Janet Archer:
Well, it's got to be either a boy or a girl. I can have my preference, can't I?

Uncle George:
Corliss, I have a bone to pick with you. How dare you get married without letting me perform the ceremony?

Corliss Archer:
But Uncle George -

Uncle George:
It isn't everybody that has a chaplain right in the family, you know.

Corliss Archer:
Yes, Uncle George -

Uncle George:
Ever since you were that high it's been understood that it was to be my privilege.

Corliss Archer:
Yes, Uncle George, but -

Uncle George:
It's all right. Don't worry. We've been discussing it all, and we're going to give you children a real home wedding right now.

Dexter Franklin:
Holy cow.

Janet Archer:
That's right, Corliss.

Mary Franklin:
Won't that be lovely?

Corliss Archer:
But Uncle George, that's awfully sweet of you, and everything, but - but we don't need to get married anymore.

Uncle George:
Now look, eloping to a justice of the peace is all very modern, but there's nothing like an old-fashioned wedding ceremony if you want the marriage to last. Isn't that true, Janet?

Janet Archer:
I think Uncle George is perfectly right. Now run along upstairs, dear, and put on your new dress.

Corliss Archer:
Mom, I don't want to .

Janet Archer:
Why, Corliss!

Dexter Franklin:
Sure, Corliss, go on. I think it's a swell idea.

Corliss Archer:
Dexter Franklin, you keep out of this!

Dexter Franklin:
[to Uncle George] Yes, sir. I wouldn't feel properly married to Corliss unless you did it.

Raymomd Pringle:
[reading a telegram over Mildred's shoulder] Hey Mom, Pop. Gee, whiz, imagine that. Three zeros shot down!

Dorothy Pringle:
By whom?

Raymomd Pringle:
And Mildred's gonna have a baby!

Bob Pringle:
By whom?