Major Dad

Casey:
It's GI Joe!

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
How's the interview going?

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
I'm spilling my guts, sir.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Alva, "Yes", "No", and "Cold" do not an indepth story make.

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
Oh, I don't know. I think Gunny got kind of personal; she told you her favorite color is khaki, favorite movie is "The Sands of Iwo Jima", favorite tune is: "The Stars and Stripes Forever".

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
[completely serious] Who's isn't?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Gunny, you love Chesty, I broke Chesty, you must be mad as Hell about that.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
I really should be going, sir.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Look, Gunny, I know that this thing has been eatin' at you for three days now, now go on - yell at me. Call me names. Here, take your best shot! [turning a shoulder to her and pointing at it] Go on!

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Major, I am enlisted, you are an officer, that would be in direct violation...

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
- -Oh, I know the rules! I was jsut hoping for this once that we could bend the rules.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
[look of confusion] Sir?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Okay, okay, I lost my head for a minute. All right, look - let's just, let's look at this thing as a hypothetical situation. Now, we can do that, can't we?

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
I know of no rule against hypothication, sir.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Good. Good. All right, let's just, ah, imagine you're not a Gunny, and I'm not a Major. Oh, let's go the whole nine yards: let's imagine we're not Marines.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
I don't know if I have that much imagination, sir. I don't know Jules Verne had that much imagination.

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
Mimzy sent me into a sewing room for a crochet hook and look what I found on her bulletin board. [holds open a calendar with a picture of a man showing it to the confused staff] Well, this is going to save our base!

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
Just how is Mr. March going to do that, sir?

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
No Mr. March, the calendar. Men of the Military. Every month different service men from a different base. Look: Edwards Airforce Base, Fort Bragg, Barksdale, McConne - [cut off while flipping through the calendar]

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Excuse me, sir. [motioning excitedly] Back to Fort Bragg. [takes the calendar from General Craig and gawks]

Polly Cooper McGillis:
You don't want to take a shower?

Robin Cooper McGillis:
Not with the whole P.E. class.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Robin, those are your friends. You see them all day.

Robin Cooper McGillis:
Not naked! How would you like to take a shower with a bunch of giggling girls?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
[the Major is silent for almost nine seconds, chewing over what to say] I'm out of here, take it, Poll'! [and rushes out of the room]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Okay, you want to hear about combat, here it is: people die. Kids. [doesn't speak for a few seconds] Kids from the corn fields who just wanted to see the world and go to college, and I teach them the best I know how and still some of them don't make it back, and I have to live with that.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
We held down the home front, but we missed you liek crazy. [gives him a kiss]

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Yeah, everytime mom got lonely, she played your message on the answering machine. [presses a button on the answering machine]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Now hear this: leave your name and number at the tone. That is all.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
I can't eat another bite. I'm so nervous about my interview with Jack Norwood.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
With whom?

Polly Cooper McGillis:
He wrote that best seller, A Wolf Like Me.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Oh, yeah. Is that Kevin Costner's next movie.

Billy Burlock:
Can we stop for burgers on the way home? [leaving the MacGillis house]

Bibi Burlock:
Billy!

Billy Burlock:
You said we could have burgers if the food stunk.

Bibi Burlock:
[laughs and looks at Polly and the kids] Kids. You just can't keep them from telling the truth.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
We still haven't recieved reply, sir, from General Gray or Dan Quayle.

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
Hum. The Commandant of the Marine Core, and the Vice President of these United States. Hum. [looks at the paper with the names Gunny is holding] Gunny, was it really necessary to draw the little hearts around Dan Quayle's name?

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
I'm sorry, sir. The man brings out the female animal in me.

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
Put her back in her cage.

Mrs. Gilroy:
[a short grey-haired old lady exits her apartment across from Eugene's] Eugene, dear!

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
Yes, Mrs. Gilroy?

Mrs. Gilroy:
There you are. Now, there's something I wanted to ask you: does you spout point up, or curve down?

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
[after a couple confused seconds of quiet] I beg your pardon?

Mrs. Gilroy:
On your tea pot.

Miss Shields:
The faculty was very concerned about Miss Elizabeth's article. We decided the situation called for parental involvement.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Front and center.

Miss Shields:
Don't interrupt. How do you feel about these children wearing boxer shorts to school?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Ah, well, that depends on whether you can see them or not. [laughs and stops when he sees Mrs. Shields is not] I'm against it.

Miss Shields:
So are we. Neat minds call for neat clothing. You Marine's understand that.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Yes, ma'am.

Miss Shields:
How do you feel about people flagrantly disobeying the rules?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
I'm against that, too.

Miss Shields:
You shoot people for that, don't you?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
No, ma'am.

Miss Shields:
Study up - I think you do. Elizabeth, I know you put a lot of effort into this article; it was thoroughly researched, thoughtfully structured, and powerfully written.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Thank you.

Miss Shields:
But it was wrong, don't you see? If we don't follow the rules we have anarcy and those silly '60's all over again. Do you agree, major?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
I do.

Miss Shields:
And it's up to the people in charge to see that we follow the rules. Do you agree?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
I do.

Miss Shields:
Then you also agree we should not print this article.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
No, I don't.

Miss Shields:
What?

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
What? [looking at him surprised]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Mrs. Shields, I think these girls wearing boxer shorts to school is just about as rediculous as those little pants they stick on lamb chops. I also believe that if everybody went around breaking the rules, the world would go to Hell in a hand basket.

Miss Shields:
Then what's the problem?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Well, it's just this little thing called the Bill of Rights. I'm sure that somewhere in this school there's a civic's class and I suspect they teach these kids about freedom of the press, but then they come in here and they find it doesn't apply to them. What kind of teachin' is that? 20 years ago when I joined the Cor', I swore an oath to defend and protect, among other things, everybody's right to freedom of expression, whether I agree with them or not. IF the uniform or short hair made you think any different, then with all due respect, ma'am, you have more to learn than your kids.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Whoa.

Miss Shields:
Your point is well taken, major. Your grammar needs work. [looks at Elizabeth] I will print your article.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
John, camping with young children - how can I describe it? It's like a punishment from God.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Marine survival training, Okinawa. Called bushmasters.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
You were a bushmaster?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Well, not when I started. They showed me things, like, ah, how to drink from vines, how to catch my food.

Robin Cooper McGillis:
Like what?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Oh, little things.

Casey Cooper McGillis:
Like bunnies? [worried]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Oh, I would have killed for a nice bunny. [Casey is shocked and turns around] No, I would generally get by on grubs, and beetles and worms.

Robin Cooper McGillis:
Ewww - and you kiss him. [to her mother]

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
What did you use the twine for? Flosing?

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Gunny, how long have you had your bangs?

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
I was born with them.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Remember, when you work for Uncle Sam, you have to watch you pennies.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
That's right. Unless you're in Congress - then you vote yourself a raise.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
This is the pits. It's Friday night, I have no date, and I'm playing Monopoly with my sister.

Casey Cooper McGillis:
Loosing Monopoly to your sister.

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
I guess I'll just have to count on the old stand-by: blame it on Mimzy. I'll say she can't bare being away from her love God at night.

Major Whitaker:
Major, I want my family back here in this house and I want them back NOW!

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Well, you just flat don't get it, do you? They're gone, and they're going to stay gone until you agree to get some help.

Major Whitaker:
You get the hell out of here or I'll...

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
[interrupting him] You'll what? You'll hit me? That's you're answer for everythintg? Well, that's fine. I'll tell you what we'll do: let's go down to the gym here; we'll put the gloves on, you feel like you got the hit something, you go ahead and hit me. But be advised: I'm not thirteen and I hit back.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
It's such a serious accusation. What if I'm wrong?

Polly Cooper McGillis:
What if you're not?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Casey, we need to talk. Why did you take my medal? [refering to his father's Purple Heart Casey lost]

Casey Cooper McGillis:
I don't know.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Well, what were you thinking?

Casey Cooper McGillis:
I don't know.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Didn't you know it was wrong?

Casey Cooper McGillis:
I don't know.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Casey, sit down. [he lowers down on his haunches] All right, look - suppose I took something of yours you really cared about. Suppose I took Wubby. [pointing to her stuffed animal]

Casey Cooper McGillis:
Why would you take Wubby?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
I don't know.

Casey Cooper McGillis:
Do you like him?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Doesn't matter. But suppose I took him to work, and I lost him. What would you do?

Casey Cooper McGillis:
I'd get him back.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
How?

Casey Cooper McGillis:
I'd call him and he'd come.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
No, he can't hear you, he's at the base.

Casey Cooper McGillis:
He can hear me anywhere!

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Somebody stuffed cotton in his ears.

Casey Cooper McGillis:
He can find his way home; he'd follow you car.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
I drive through the motor range - he takes a direct hit!

Casey Cooper McGillis:
He wears a magic hat and nothing can hurt him.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Casey! [angry] I'll be right back. [goes back to the kitchen where Polly waits]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
I can't whop her.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
That's wonderful! [hugs him]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Not until I calm down. [he exist out the kitchen's back door; there is a loud smash from him hitting something. He walks back in] Okay.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
John, the punishment's already been meaded out; she's grounded and no TV for a month.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
You call that punishment?

Polly Cooper McGillis:
I call that a very serious punishment.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
I call that a chance to catch up on your reading.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
What did you have in mind?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
I'd go spank her. [motions with a hand and starts moving toward the kitchen exit into the living room where Casey is awaiting punishment]

Polly Cooper McGillis:
I... wait, John - we don't spank here. We have our own method of discipline and the kids are turning out just fine.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Oh, really? Where's my medal? [holds his empty right hand palm up] Probably stuck to the bottom of somebody's shoe.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Wait, John! There has to be a better way to discipline someone than whaling the tar out of them.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
No, Polly - I don't "whale". Now, Casey is about to recieve a very calm, a very rational whoppin'.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Good, she'll appreciate the subtle distinction.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
A good honest whoppin' helps a child remember what's right, and what's wrong. It also lets them know you mean what you say and you're willing to back it up.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Where'd you get that? The Whopper's Handbook?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Well, it's better than the Liberal's Guide to Child Pampering. [in a mocking tone] If a child misbehaves, set it down, then frown for it, and say, "Do you see this face? This is my disappointed face."

Polly Cooper McGillis:
See? Not so hard.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Well, what about the direct honest approach? You're mad at 'em. You tell 'em so and you whop 'em.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
What if Casey has already learned her lesson? That what she did was wrong and she'll never do it again. [blocking him from leaving the kitchen]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Without a whoppin'?

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Oh, God - your'e itchin' to do it, aren't you? Whop! Whop! Whop! [like one of the Three Stoges]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Temper, temper, temper. [pats her on the head]

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Okay. doesn't Casey at least deserve a chance to prove she doesn't need to be spanked?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Okay, I'm willing to be fair. But the smart money's on whoppin'. [walks passed her out the kitchen]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Oh, honey, look - it's a reservation at the Blue Ridge Inn for tonight.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
I predict you're going to love it, sir. It's my pick for a relaxing getaway.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Well, I don't know what to say.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
I do, lets go pack.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
John, we can't leave the kdis alone overnight.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Ma'am, the Marine Core would never be so sloppy as to offer a gift with such a gross oversight. I will be the babysitter. [the kids all look shocked]

Polly Cooper McGillis:
That's really nice of you.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
We drew lots. I lost. [standing next to Lt. Holowachuk]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
I could use a beer, what about you?

Major Sacha Sarotsky:
Um, do you have any pretzels to go with it?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
No, but I can do better than that: pork rinds. Ever hear of them?

Major Sacha Sarotsky:
Are you kidding? In Russian they are Christmas dinner.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
What say we settle down for some of this good junk food. [brings some plates for everyone at the kitchen table]

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Ah. Elizabeth, here's your garden salad. John, I got you the Hungry-Man tofu sandwich.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Tofu?

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Yeah.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
I thought you said this was take out?

Polly Cooper McGillis:
It is. I got it at Nature's Pantry.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
What was wrong with McDonald's pantry? [she looks at him] Just trying to adopt the eating habits of the new administration.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Nope. General has been named deputy director of WHAMO.

Casey Cooper McGillis:
He's gonna be in charge of hola hoops?

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Major, could I interest you in a bottle of perfume for the misses? [bringing i a bag of packages of perfume]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Part time job, Gunny?

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Oh, no, sir - I'm giving it away. You see, the problem, sir, is men.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Ah huh.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
They contiually shower me with gifts.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
They do?

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Continually.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Oh.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
I mean - the flowers and candy are fine, but how much perfume can one Marine use? Stuff just sits around taking up valuable shelf space. There's hardly room left for my gun collection.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
[the doorbell rings] I'll get it.

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
Merry Christmas Eve!

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Merry Christmas.

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
I've got mistoe! [holds it over his head]

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Mom, it's for you. [walks away]

Polly Cooper McGillis:
John, what are we going to do?

[speaking of Casey's pressnt, which has accidently been taken to a Toys For Tots collection]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Well, I'm just going to have to go down to the collection's center, go through every one of those packages until I find Casey's Gecko's.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
But, John, they must be truckloads of toys and they're all wrapped. We're just gonna have to have a talk with Casey.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
[putting on his jacket] No, we can't do that. Don't you see, Polly? In this cynical world where people have trouble believing in anything, we got a little girl who has faith, and I'll do what ever it takes to keep that faith alive.

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
A reminder, sir: don't compliment the Emir on any of his wives, or he'll give her to you.

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
Thanks for the warning. The last thing I need is another wife.

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
So, I bet it's pretty hot living in the desert. [speaking to the wives of the Emir; they only giggle back] I guess you don't understand English.

Eunuch:
Pst! They understand you. they are forbidden to talk to any man without Emir's permission. I would have to kill you.

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
So much for small talk

Eunuch:
Kill you and feed your entrails to the jackals in the desert. Pass the pizza rolls.

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
Gunn, this morning Lt. Kent, she barely gave me a nod. You think she's avoiding me because deep down she's widly attracted to me?

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Well, sir, while it is true sometimes a woman's apathy can be indicative of interest, just as often it is indicative of... apathy.

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
Great! Then there's hope!

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
If you say so, sir.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Dance with me.

Billy Sparling:
Are you sure? I wouldn't want the Marine Core to think you are human. [refering to her earlier aversion of public affection]

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Oh, shut up and dip me.

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
[after drinking some wine poured by his wife just barely in view of the camera] What can I say, that has already not been said about the magnificent base that is Camp Hollister. It was Camp Hollister. It has been my privilege to serve as base commander for the last three and final years of Hollister's glorious history. But it is said all good things must end. And so it is with Hollister. It does no good to rage against our fate. Or more precisely those dunderheads in Congress; all they can hear is the sound of those thirty pieces of silver clanking in their pockets.

Mimzy Craig:
[off camera] Marcus!

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
[pointing to her and taking another sip] It's true and you know it. Just like to ask those penny-pinching pinheads: if your'e so hot to save dollars, why not start with the big bucks you send out to countries each year that hate our guts and have no intention of paying it back?

Mimzy Craig:
[just off camera again, so we don't see her face] Marcus!

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
[taking another sip] Pipe down, woman! Oh, and another thing: what about the hundreds of government limos you see driving Federal fatcats all over Washington? I say... [yelling] TAKE THE DAMN BUS! Marines don't use limos! We march! Maybe it more government officials marched there'd be more money to keep outstanding bases like our alive! Hit me again, Mimzy! [takes another sip]

Polly Cooper McGillis:
[shutting off the video] Just thought you might like to see it before I burn it.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
As you know, customarily when Marines have been stationed together for a number of years, as have we, and the time comes to move on, it is acceptable for the lines of demarcation between officer and enlisted to be... momentarily dropped. And, ah, a personal, and, ah, sincere expression of appreciation given, followed by, ah, warm hand shake, slap on the back, heart-felt hug.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
[after a few seconds of surprise at the last line] That, ah, that is custome.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Sir, let's avoid it.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
What are you guys doing?

Robin Cooper McGillis:
Thinking of names for our new little bundle of joy.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Ah.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Is "Slick" a real name, or is that just a nick name?

Casey Cooper McGillis:
I've got two names! [putting her arms out] How about: Mario or Luigi?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Ah, Casey, those are both Italian.

Casey Cooper McGillis:
No, they're Nintendo.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Well, I know he's in there. [getting down to Polly's belly and rubbing it] You're in there, aren't you you little Dickens? When do they start to kick?

Polly Cooper McGillis:
When they have legs.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Oh.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Mom's pregnant.

Robin Cooper McGillis:
With a baby?

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
No, with a kangaroo.

Robin Cooper McGillis:
How could you do that to her? [talking to MacGillis]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Do what?

Robin Cooper McGillis:
The woman's had three babies. Leave her alone!

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Well, we're about to find out. [speaking of whether she is pregnant of not, heading to the ringing kitchen phone]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Seventeen twenty-four - I want to remember the exact moment this call came in.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
[answers the phone] Hello? Yes, this is she. Just a minute. [looks at them] Do we want to give money to the blind?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
GET OFF THE PHONE! [slams it]

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
Major! I have been violated! Somebody just ran over my MG and by God heads will roll!

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Major, the General's here.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Thank you, Gunny.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Okay, Elizabeth, what's the first thing we do after we get into the car?

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
We find a good radio station.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Very funny. We fasten seat belts.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Ummm. [puts hers on, too]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
And do you know why?

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
So we can't make out with our boyfriends?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
No, because it's the law. That other part's just icing.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Robin problem - run it down.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Robin's a surfboard, she wants to be a turtle.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
I don't know what that means.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
You wouldn't, you're old. [stands up and walks around] You see, when a girl reaches a certain age, she's either a surfboard [rubs his back] or a turtle [picks at the shirt on his back] Snap, snap.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Ah huh. And Robin wants to be...

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Turtle.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Snap, snap.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Dad.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Elizabeth, I don't want to pry or anything, but... ahhh... has Robin developed anything snap worthy?

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Well, it doesn't matter. Every girl in Robin's class wears one and if you don't you get teased.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
How?

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
They call you a surfboard. Look, major, if you're embarrsed about it...

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
- No! No, no, no

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
No, I mean - it's okay; Robin can suffer 'til mom gets back.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Well, she doesn't have to. I'm, I'm mom tonight.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Ah, nice try, but I think Robin needs a different kind of mom.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Oh, yeah? Well, what kind?

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
One without facial hair.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Look, if I - if Robin and I face this thing square on and, ah, talk straight and take action, I think we'll be just fine. [walks out of the kitchen and to Robin sitting on the living room couch] So, understand we need a brassiere. [in a commanding tone; Robin gets a look of shock on her face and runs away]

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
[speaking of a rest stop he is moonlighting at and offered MacGillis to work at] Of course you'd be a great manager, sir. It's just, ah, it's just Phil made me manager.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Oh. Oh, so then my job would be assistant manager?

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
What was I thinking? You wouldn't feel comfortable with me being in charge.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
No, Lieutenant, it's not that I don't think of you as a leader of men, it's just that I don't think of you as a leader of... me.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
I was going to let you see her anyway; all the scheming was for nothing. [speaking of Chip dating Elizabeth]

Chip Russell:
So it's okay with you.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
No. You're a sneak, and I don't want Elizabeth involved with a sneak.

Chip Russell:
Outstanding. So now I'm to throw myself at your mercy, promise to mend my ways, and beg you to let me see her.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Have at it.

Chip Russell:
See, there's just one problem: I don't want to see her. [gets up and approaches the office door]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Halt! You do so.

Chip Russell:
Why would I?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Because she's bright, and she's pretty, and she has a great sense of humor, and you like her.

Chip Russell:
You're right, sir.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Bet I am.

Chip Russell:
But I've been around the Core for around 16 years and I know how officers are about their daughters. With all due respect, I really don't want to have to put up with all the crap. Sir. so, ah, tell Elizabeth I'm sorry. [walks back to the door]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Halt! [gets up from his desk and stands face-to-face with Chip] How much crap will you put up with?

Chip Russell:
Not much.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
But some.

Chip Russell:
Let's talk. [sits down] I want unlimited freedom; no curfew, no restrictions, no questions asked.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
[opens the office door] I'll tell Elizabeth you said "Good-bye".

Chip Russell:
[Chip shuts the door] Major, this is a negotiation; you ask for the world, then you haggle.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
[sits back down, too] You will date only on Friday's, curfew will be twenty-two hundred, and after you've been together for a month you may... hold hands.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Lieutenant, you've crushed my cupcake.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
I didn't have birthday parties.

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
Ahhh.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Well, my folks felt it was no big deal getting another year older. I mean, all it takes is not dying.

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
Gunny, you're the best.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
So I've been told, sir.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
You're a sensitive level-headed woman.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Thank you for noticing, ma'am.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Can we talk for a minute?

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Well, I am on call to the Major - it will have to be fast.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Okay. Um... what do you think of those adult 900 phone services?

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
[momentarily silent] Why don't I get us some coffee.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
So tell me: in your opinion, what prompts people to call these numbers?

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Well, I suppose it all comes down to one basic truth: those who can, do; those who can't, talk.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
But what about those people who can-do and still wanna talk?

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Well, they're probably not doing it right.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
[examing a piece of paper] No, I'm talking about the phone bill. There's a 47 dollar long-distance charge here.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Don't look at me; I haven't called Oceanside since the Major's last freak out.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
No, this is a 900 number. Did one of you call to talk to Santa, or the New Kids on the Block hotline?

Robin Cooper McGillis:
Mom, I wouldn't talk to the New Kids if somebody paid me 47 dollars.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Nothing bonds a parent and child like bringing a car salesman to his knees.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Sir, that Red Ryder was my childhood dream. I pleaded with my parents for one of those rifles. Every birthday, every Christmas. Once I even tried Hanukkah. They just gave me a dreidel.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
That's a shame. I got this baby for my tenth birthday.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Oh, lucky you, sir. All I got was a pair of ice skates and a pink tutu. "Rifles are for boys, you'll put an eye out"; like it's okay for boys to have one eye.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Will you marry me? [Polly starts laughing hard] It's a good laugh.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
It's a good joke.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
It's not a joke. [she laughs even harder] Would you stop doing that, please?

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Oh, God - I can't help it. A proposal? What happened to good clear Marine thinking?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Overruled by finely honed Marine instinct. Like combat. Well, sometimes in a firefight the moment just crystalizes; you know exactly what to do. [motions at her] See the hill, take the hill.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
So romantic.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Works on hills.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
That man has no hair [while looking at the mayor]

Casey Cooper McGillis:
[Casey and Robin stand there dressed as hippies] When's mom getting home from her balloon ride?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Not before your bed time, so march upstairs, brush your teeth, hit the sheets.

Robin Cooper McGillis:
Hold it - I feel a protest coming on. Heck no, we won't go! Heck no [MacGillis walks up to them in a commanding way] we're going, we're going!

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Polly, don't be fooled by this baby face, this is a Marine looking to blow off a little steam.

Private Tommy Harris:
But, sir, you told me to.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
You told him to blow off steam?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Well, not with Elizabeth. [draws her closer to himself]

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Oh! So he can blow off steam but I can't?

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Not until you're 18!

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Wait a minute! Let's get one thing clear: nobody is blowing off steam with anybody!

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Oh, he is so cute. And real polite. You know, I even think the Major will like him. [speaking of a guy she has a crush on]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
No I won't. It's my job to dislike any boy that wants to take you out. Now, who is this slimeball anyway?

Polly Cooper McGillis:
This house must be over a hundred years old.

Casey Cooper McGillis:
Does it have TV?

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
He said, you know, the "L" word.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
He called you a liberal?

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Looking at my future, I have to believe in a brighter future, and hang on to the hope that they'll someday live in a world with peace, where no one ever again will have to fight over a line drawn in the sand.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
[teaching him to use a Ouija board] You have to invoke the spirit; close your eyes.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Why? Is he naked?

Jake MacGillis:
Don't you see, sweetheart? The difference between failure and success is oppritunity and you got to grab it while you got the chance; don't let it pass you by.

Jake MacGillis:
Wannt pack my things and go home - is that what you want?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Well, you've been doing as you please ever since you got here, why ask what I want now?

Jake MacGillis:
fine! I'm out of here!

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Suit yourself.

Jake MacGillis:
Hum. [walks out the kitchen]

Polly Cooper McGillis:
John, I may not understand the South, but that's not what I call hospitality.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Yeah, you're right. [turns to follow his dad out the kitchen and yells] Wait up, daddy - I'll help you pack!

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
With all due respect, sir, I would rather not get into it. You and I have an excellent professional association. We keep it personal. I like it, you like it, it works.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
All right, Gunny, carry on.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
[turns back around just as she was about to leave] Oh, what the heck, sir. You wanna talk fathers, let's talk fathers.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
You're on.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Well, sir, my father and I have had our share of difficulties, all based - I'm afraid - on never being able to measure up.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
You, too, huh?

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Yes, sir. That man can't shoot straight, he can't hold his liquir, and he throws like a girl.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
You know, I had a turtle when I was a kid.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
You did?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Yeah. He didn't do much except die.

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
Well, don't just stand there, man! Show this woman your turtle! And show it to her now!

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
Gee, ma'am, I didn't know you had the acting bug.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
I don't. The director for the theater called me out of the blue.

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
How he even know about you?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Well, sir, I think maybe a little birdy told him.

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Alva, was it you?

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Tweet, tweet, ma'am.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Gunny, you were a teenage girl once.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Not by choice, sir.

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
For Pete's sake, man, you've been in combat; give me a hero's welcome! [refering to doing a re-write of his speech]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Well, sir, I, ah, served three tours of duty in Nam. 'bout the closest I came to a hero's welcome was when got back state side in the hospital plane, just after we touched down a Public Affairs officer came aboard with some civilian cloths and said, "Corporal, there's a group of protestors out here, maybe you better put these on, we'll slip you out the back way. Welcome home". [awkward chuckle]

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
[in a very serious and reflective tone] I see. Major, I'm gonna to leave now. I want you to sit down and write that speech that wounded corporal should have recieved 20 years ago.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Lieutenant, I have the oppritunity to score some points at home, but it necessitates me asking you a favor.

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
Shoot.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
[pacing around Holowachuk] Not that easy. I don't like favors. You ask somebody a favor, you owe them a favor. Ask a favor back, you have to do it. All of the sudden you have a relationship. You wind up trading favors back and forth, back and forth for years. Befoe you know it you're delivering a eulogy for somebody you don't even like!

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
What's the favor, sir?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
All right, look: you're free to say "no" but if you say "yes", don't expect anything more than a "thank you"; no extra leave, no light duty.

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
No treats?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
No, none of that. Scuttlebutt around here, word's bound to leak out, I might, I might even push you a little harder.

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
Got it, sir; I do you a favor, you make my life a living Hell.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Right.

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
Bring on the favor.

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
Lieutenant, I need you help.

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
What is it, sir?

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
Valentino's is booked solid for Thursday night and Mimzy had her heart set on going there. Now I don't know what to do.

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
Well, sir, why don't you use your imagination?

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
I don't need an imagination; that's why I have you. I want an easy, last-minute way to show my undying affection. Now get on it, Lieutenant.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Suppose one night we're making love and for one reason or another I start thinking about evassive tank maneuvers. What's that called?

Polly Cooper McGillis:
Strange.

Gen. Marcus C. Craig:
[proud] Ah, like our Gunny. Assuming two tasks at the same time.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Nothing to it, sir; I used to date twins.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Ever since I joined the Core it was always my dream to be stationed in Bangkok, and, ah, four years ago it was looking like I was headed there. But then I got sent to Oceanside instead, and it was a big door closed for me. But it turned out to be the best break of my life because I opened another door and I found Polly and the girls.

Lt. Eugene 'Gene' Holowachuk:
It's when you found me too, sir. [smiling]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
So it is.

Gunnery Sgt. Alva 'Gunny' Bricker:
Well, sir, I can see how its worked out well for you. If I opened a new door and found three children behind it, I'd slam it shut and run like hell.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
You know it's not... it's not just football and peach picking, it's... you know, your mom and I both had very full lives before we ever met each other; now that we're married, it's getting all those pieces to fit, you know? You lose the most important piece.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
You mean sex.

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
[surprised] I didn't say that.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Becky did. [refering to her friend]

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Oh really. Well, you can tell Becky there's a lot more to it than that.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Oh?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Yeah! Well, there's... I mean, just looking into each other's eyes and remembering what it was that brought you together in the first place. Just where do you find the time for that?

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
What about now?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Zero five thirty - that's my jogging time.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
So?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Well, I have been jogging every day for the passed ten years without fail.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Can I make a suggestion?

Maj. John D. 'Mac' McGillis:
Sure.

Elizabeth Cooper McGillis:
Fail. [continues eating her cereal]