Maron

Nicole:
My brother used to have panic attacks.

Marc Maron:
Did he get over them?

Nicole:
Sort of. He jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge.

Marc Maron:
What?

Nicole:
It's OK. He lived. He's in a documentary about people who have jumped and survived.

Marc Maron:
Oh, I heard about that.

Nicole:
Except for now he's a little bit more panicked because he keeps reliving that moment of impact.

Marc Maron:
[interviewing Patton Oswalt] I know you've got a book out and I know it's about being addicted to movies. I haven't read it: I got an uncorrected proof and I'm just going to look for errors and then I'm going to email you and say "I've found a problem!"

Stu Carbone:
[Stu's chains rattle; Marc sits bolt upright in bed] Hi Marc.

Marc Maron:
Hi Stu. This is weird, because you're dead.

Stu Carbone:
Yes, Marc. I'm dead. Nice to see you too.

Marc Maron:
Wow, you're wearing chains. That's kind of hacky.

Stu Carbone:
It's classic, Marc. It's classic ghost! Why do you have to be so judgmental? What do you get out of it?

Marc Maron:
The ghost of Stu Carbone was in my bed last night. With chains and everything.

Andy Kindler:
With chains? So hacky.

Marc Maron:
I know, that's what I said, but he said it was classic.

Andy Kindler:
So he also had a meeting set up with Dave's manager for this morning, and he never showed up.

Marc Maron:
[to Dave] Wait a minute - you actually tried to help another human being?

Dave Anthony:
I was just trying to put my manager in an uncomfortable position.

Dave Anthony:
[holds up notebook] Hey, look. Stu died while he was writing a joke... [reading] I can't stand magicians. You know what would be a real trick? [pause] No punch line.

Marc Maron:
Wow, he died just like he lived.

Marc Maron:
I'm going to try to get a signal and call 911.

Dave Anthony:
Oh, they're not going to have a punch line.

Marc Maron:
I see red flags as... as either a... a slalom course or perhaps if there's enough of them, like I just see it as an advertisement for a club I can't help but go into. What's gonna... Ya know... 'Let's go... let's go into there, there's nothing but heartache and, uh, chaos in there.' I don't... I don't know what I'm saying, really. I just... I just don't know how many more times I can stick my dick into a hurricane and expect something else to happen. I don't know what is wrong with me, but if I look into a woman's eyes and there's nothing but... but storm and chaos, I'm like 'I'm going in. Where's my raincoat?' Yeah, I'm in there and I'm, um... I'm standing in a storm with just two things that look like jumper cables saying 'Yeah, where's the broken daddy box? Maybe if I plug directly into it I can hang on for a while.' Does that make any sense to anybody? I mean is that something... did I just create some kind of Freudian or Jungian landscape that people can hang their metaphorical hat on? I don't know makes sense to me.

Kyle:
[Opening Marc's mail] B.J. Novak's new book?

Marc Maron:
Wow, I just fell asleep in the middle of you saying that.

Marc Maron:
Does she ever ask about me?

Andy Kindler:
No. Never. Actually.

Marc Maron:
Alright, that's it. I'm following up with her publisher and I'm going to try and get her on the show.

Andy Kindler:
That would be a mistake, and I'm saying that as a friend.

Marc Maron:
Well, as a friend you're dead to me, and as an acquaintance your advice means nothing.

Marc Maron:
[Answers his phone during an argument with his ex-wife] What?

Mary Lynn Rajskub:
Hey, Marc, it's Mary Lynn.

Marc Maron:
Who?

Mary Lynn Rajskub:
Rajskub.

Marc Maron:
Okay, what?

Mary Lynn Rajskub:
[Nervously] Well, I was thinking, you know, earlier, I thought there was kind of a vibe between us, and, I, - uh, oh God, this is so hard...

Marc Maron:
I can't do this now! [hangs up]

Mary Lynn Rajskub:
What? Hello? [Hits herself repeatedly in head with phone] I am such an a**hole! A**hole! You're an a**hole!

Andy Kindler:
This whole interview was a bad idea. It's dredging up old feelings. Everyone has moved on, Marc.

Marc Maron:
I think Dave and I are wondering: whose side are you on, Andy?

Andy Kindler:
What is this, a western?

Marc Maron:
[talking to an anger management group] I don't know, you know. Not a lot of things make me mad... prejudice... traffic... bad waiters... B.J. Novak as a children's book author now - how does that happen?... Oh, and one time I got these Peruvian boots... the tongue of the boot never broke in right and kept cutting into my... Oh, God... My parents were incapable of thinking of anyone but themselves... I mean, my mother projected her eating disorder on me which is why I have body dysmorphia; my dad, this bipolar disorder narcissist who thought he was a superhero... I talk about this stuff at AA meetings, I go to therapy, I read psychology books... I really couldn't be more in touch with my emotions than I am right now... and in a moment it just goes. [long silence follows]

Anger Management Participate:
[whispers] Stupid.

Marc Maron:
EXCUSE ME? Do you have a problem with me, man?

Anger Management Participate:
No problem.

Marc Maron:
I lost my sh*t in front of this guy and his wife, alright? I was a dick, alright, and there's no way around it, and now I've gotta live with it forever. And I feel like he's got one over on me, you know what I mean?

Bernie:
Ah - is this about Obama? President Obama?

Marc Maron:
No!

Bernie:
Bush?

Marc Maron:
NO! I don't know those cats!

Bernie:
Then apologize to him.

Bernie:
There were these two monks. They came to a river. They were Buddhists.

Marc Maron:
What are you talking about?

Bernie:
It's a story. I'm telling you a story.

Marc Maron:
OK, OK. Go, go.

Bernie:
So these two monks saw this woman. I don't know if she was Buddhist, but that's not what's important.

Marc Maron:
OK.

Bernie:
So the woman wants to be carried across the river. So the old monk says, "I'll do it." So he carries the broad straight across the river. Done. But. She never said thanks.

Marc Maron:
Right.

Bernie:
That's a nice shirt, man.

Marc Maron:
Thanks, man.

Bernie:
I've got a jacket with BIG monster tits on it.

Marc Maron:
I've seen that jacket. They're not that big.

Bernie:
So, so for the rest of the day, the young monk is mad. Mad at the b*tch for not saying 'thank you.' And finally the old monk slaps the sh*t out of that guy and stuns him like a stuck nut and he says, he says, "I carried her, I just carried her across the river, man. You've been carrying her the whole day."

Marc Maron:
I know what you're saying! You're saying I've got to apologize to the guy for my sake.

Bernie:
No. You've got to apologize to the guy for your sake. Be the old monk. Don't be the young monk. The young monk was a bitter monk. Maybe he shouldn't have never been a monk at all. Maybe he had no choice.

Marc Maron:
I've been avoiding Andy Dick.

Whitney Cummings:
I think if you want to entertain your niece, you're going to have to get Dick.

Marc Maron:
Really, Whit? You're better than that.

Whitney Cummings:
Definitely am not better than that.

Marc Maron:
So what's the deal? It's a bullshit shakedown and we're going to be OK, right?

Emily:
Oh, God, yes, absolutely, probably, unless you're not.

Sam Seder:
I hope you didn't tip that driver too much. He got lost and he kept insisting I was that guy from Northern Exposure.

Sam Seder:
You don't listen to my show, ever, do you?

Marc Maron:
I'm having a hard time listening to you now, honestly.

Marc Maron:
Have you ever guest lectured?

Jerry Stahl:
I've done some.

Marc Maron:
Where?

Jerry Stahl:
San Quentin.

Marc Maron:
That's a good school.

Jack Ross:
[holding Tina's panties to his face and crying] Why? Why? Why'd you do it? Why did you put him inside you? Why did you put him inside you? [runs out of room, still crying]

Marc Maron:
That seemed uncalled for.

Marc Maron:
I do know what's great about being a creative person or an artist, as opposed to an accountant. I mean if you're an artistic person, whether that's a painter or a standup comic, or a writer, a musician, a poet, whatever that is, that the worst sh*t you go through is just fodder, it's material, or it's fuel for your creativity. It's some weird gift. If you're an accountant it just makes you blow your brains out.

Marc Maron:
What are you doing now?

Dave Anthony:
[typing on his phone] Making a new hashtag for Twitter: hashtag 'noblackguestsonMaronspodcast'.

Marc Maron:
You know we're friends, right?

Dave Anthony:
Yeah. I just want to get out in front of this thing in case it starts snowballing.

Marc Maron:
[Looking for his missing laptop] Where is it?

Dave Anthony:
You know, I don't know if I don't care because I'm high, or if I just don't give a sh*t.

Marc Maron:
How have you never been shot yet?

Marc Maron:
[Hesitates to press intercom buzzer] I don't want to do this, man.

Dave Anthony:
What's the other option? You just give up all the information on your computer, just walk away? Because they're black guys?

Marc Maron:
What if they didn't do it?

Dave Anthony:
Then you're going to spend the rest of your life thinking they did and knowing you didn't confront them because of the color of their skin. Hey, this is some deathbed sh*t. This is your 'Rosebud.' [Marc presses intercom buzzer]

Dave Anthony:
Yeah, black 'Rosebud.'

Marc Maron:
I think you're possibly the worst friend anyone has ever had.

Dave Anthony:
Or the best. It's a fine line.

Marc Maron:
You guys can goof all you want, but you're making fart noises on the Titanic. You think anybody is entertained by this? Maybe before there were choices, but you're losing listeners every day. This isn't interesting. This isn't engaging. It's a hostage situation for people who don't have a smartphone. And your format restrictions are ridiculous. Why do you people feel compelled to give out the time every five minutes? All cars have the time. All computer screens have the time on them. There are clocks everywhere! Yet, with OCD-like precision, you are compelled to always give out the time. It's horrendous.

Frank Kramer:
[long pause] It's 8:25.

Ted Curtis:
[to Bill Shepard] You're deranged, you know that? You were always a mental case.

Bill Shepard:
[laughs] Officer, this man is making me feel very unsafe.

Ted Curtis:
[to Marc Maron] You set me up, you piece of sh*t.

Marc Maron:
I didn't know he was going to do that. I tried to stop him. In my mind I tried to stop him. [to police officer] Hey, why you gotta be so rough? Just take it easy.

Ted Curtis:
You're DONE in radio!

Marc Maron:
EVERYONE's done in radio.

Marc Maron:
[Lying on the floor, increasingly incoherent] Tom Snyder smoked. Tom Snyder smoked. Tom Snyder smoked. Tom Snyder smoked. Tom Snyder smoked. Tom Snyder smoked.

Emily:
It's riveting television.

Gregg Schup:
I'm here just to lend a little corporate support. In fact, I'm going to be personally shepherding the project.

Marc Maron:
What happened to Terrence?

Emily:
[Gregg and Emily exchange glances] He's no longer with us.

Marc Maron:
He's dead?

Gregg Schup:
Listen, you don't need to worry about that. Today's about you!

Emily:
[whispers to Marc] He's dead.

Marc Maron:
Really?

Marc Maron:
What, they don't have back pain at Yale?

Barry:
I went to Harvard.

Marc Maron:
I get it. Is there a conversation you can't wedge that into, Barry?

Dave Anthony:
You know what, as your friend, you should give me the pills. [takes the bottle]

Marc Maron:
No, man, come on! Alright, fine. I'm done with it.

Dave Anthony:
Yeah. [pops some of Marc's pills into his mouth] You'll thank me later.

Marc Maron:
Just doing them through the pilot, that's it.

Andy Kindler:
All addicts say that. I heard it on Intervention.

Marc Maron:
Alright, both of you get out.

Marc Maron:
That was a horrible intervention. Where was my parents? You know what? He, um, he just took a Canadian laxative.

Josh Maron:
I swear, it seems like we make everything.

Marc Maron:
Yeah, it does. It's completely unfocused, which is good for a company.

Dave Anthony:
[Reading company's slogan on t-shirt] "Steel Johnson: We're already inside you." That sounds like a threat.

Marc Maron:
What's with you? Where does all this moral indignation come from? Where's - I didn't know there was a conscience inside that monster.

Dave Anthony:
I don't know. It - it is exhausting.I don't know how people do this. I'm going to go home and take a nap.

Marc Maron:
OK, so what's the deal? You wanna go with this guy?

Emily:
We're going to see loads of people today. Then we'll talk about it and see who you like best.

Marc Maron:
What if I don't like any of them?

Emily:
I think that's a given.

David Rosen:
Marco, we're going to shop you to all three networks!

Lindsey:
Do you want to come over for dinner?

Marc Maron:
Don't you have Jackson tonight?

Lindsey:
Yeah. But, you know, now that the ice is broken, I thought maybe you could spend some time together.

Marc Maron:
[mumbles noncommittally]

Lindsey:
Lovely. So you can come over and screw me, but you can't spend five minutes with my son

Marc Maron:
Oh, yeah, five minutes I could do.

Emily:
You're so good at killing relationships. Call David Rosen.

Marc Maron:
You've got to forgive me for saying this, but I've never heard of Busca.

Exec:
Oh, no-one in America has. Yet. Busca is the world's third-largest search engine. 'Busca' is Spanish for 'search.' We're a Chinese company.

Marc Maron:
Oh. OK. It's going to be one of these meetings.

Marc Maron:
So, how did you pick me? Are you a fan of mine?

Exec:
Oh, huge fan. Now. Up until yesterday I had not heard of you.

Bernie:
Aw, you have a dad. That's nice. Long story short, I have one.

Repairman #3:
I'm gonna tell you something that nobody on your side of the fence is supposed to know. Come here. It's the node. It's the goddamn node.

Marc Maron:
You guys are the worst potential parents since, I don't know, my parents.

Marc Maron:
Look, I don't know where I'm going with this, folks, but I will say this: don't ask your neighbor for his sperm if you're trying to have a baby to keep your relationship together. Alright? That's all I'm saying. That is some of the weirdest, most specific advice I've given on this show.

Andy Kindler:
Four thousand dollars? Jesus, dude, I could buy five cars with that!

Marc Maron:
I don't know what Lauren and Clint are into, what freaky sh*t they do. Maybe she gets to blow guys and he gets to take them out into the woods and kill 'em and then they get to wear my skin and dance.

Andy Kindler:
You have to calm down. Just relax. Whatever happened to the original plan of you buying your records and staying in your house?