Martin

[repeated line]

Tommy:
Cole... you stupid.

Pam:
This is great. This is really, really, great. I fly all the way here with Harold Muppet and the Blue Notes, and I still can't get out of this marriage.

Tommy:
Sheneneh, you say you're a Christian woman... yet you sit here and you lie to these people. Now you better tell 'em the truth and tell them now!

Sheneneh:
Oh, my goodness! Somebody get me the witness protection program!

Martin:
Pam, do you prefer to be called "Ms. or Mr."?

Pam:
Do you prefer "Jack" or "Ass"?

Martin:
Damn it, Tommy! We don't need umbilical cords! This is TV!

Valentino:
I told you, you could super-size it!

Sheneneh:
I told you!... I'm a lady, and you don't disrespect no lady! You better watch your back!

Valentino:
Sheneneh, I can't buy nothin' with $5!

Sheneneh:
You can buy a one-way ticket to get the hell outta' my face!

Cole:
Rent-A-Spoons!

Cole:
I'll see you in Hell, Martin!

Martin:
Yeah, you'll be the only one down there still living with your mother!

Martin:
Pam, your hair is so nappy Wilson couldn't pick it!

Martin:
Brother Man, whatcha doin' here, man?

Brother Man:
Nothin' [pause] just chillin'.

Martin:
Stanks a lot, Pam.

Tommy:
My mama always told me, if she can't use your comb, don't bring her home!

Cole:
Tommy, you dated a white girl in college!

Tommy:
Oh, no, she wasn't white! She was French!

Mama Payne:
Every move you make, every breath [sniffs] you take... I'll be watching you!

Mama Payne:
Yo' applehead stole my boy!

Rev. Love:
If I was still living that foul life, I'll get Franklins, but I'm not!

Laquita:
(singing) Laquita Lumpkins an' her homegirl Sheneneh in da hizz-ouse! Hey!

Gina:
Struck by lightning, stay away from me!

Martin:
The Lord know I just be playin' around!

Martin:
Cole! no you are NOT cuttin' yo' crusty-ass toenails up in here!

Martin:
Bro'man! it's 3 in the morning! What are you doin' up in here?

Martin:
I keep having these nightmares. You ever have them?

Brother Man:
Yeah. I had a dream one time. I was climbin' this fire escape, and I couldn't make it to the top. So I climbed through the window of this fly ass crib!. With a big see-thru 'fridgerater. It was full of sammiches! But... , but... I couldn't open the door Martin! So I just stood there and cried man. Oh yeah! Bro'man cried.

[repeated line]

Martin:
WAZZUP!

[repeated line]

Jerome:
[singing] Uh-uh! Uh-uh-uh! I say Jerome's in da house! I say Jerome's in da hou-oo-ah-oo - In da house!

Pam:
Martin was the one who said Cole was a virgin until he was 23!

Cole:
He said the stew was so bad, the homeless give it back!

Martin:
I love the stew, baby! It looked like Alpo, but I loved it!

Mrs. Trinidad:
Martin, don't fight this! Don't you want me?

Gina:
No, slut, I want you!

Gina:
Where are they going to get married?

Shanise:
At a church, Gina. Duh!

Martin:
Cole, the next time you think about getting another place, I don't wanna hear about it. Don't even call me!

Tommy:
Cole.

Cole:
Yes?

Tommy:
I want you to testify for me.

[Cole and Shanise carry on as if they were in church]

Tommy:
I'm talkin' 'bout testifyin' in court, Cole!

Martin:
Cole, I got four words to say to you - Un, em, ploy, ment!

Gina:
If you don't get yo' Smokey-the-Bear, corny-joke tellin' behind out there, *you* are goin' to need a search party! That's the oath!

Martin:
Pam, is that your breath smellin' like boiled bologna?

Pam:
No, that's yo' feet eatin' through those shoes again.

Martin:
[repeated line; to Tommy] You ain't GOT no job, man!

Cole:
That's because you don't have an IQ of 31 like me.

Shanise:
Don't you mean 13?

Pam:
I heard that, Ashford and Shrimpson!

[leaving a message]

Cole:
Mom, I don't like it here. I wanna come home and my place is wack! See you later. Oh, and by the way, this is your son, Cole.

[Gary Coleman guest stars as "Maddog"]

Maddog:
Let me tell you, I'm gonna start making money the right way. I'm a florist now.

Martin:
What'chu talkin' 'bout, Maddog?

Mama Payne:
Oh don't play dumb with me Gina! You know damn well what this is about! You got too much head to be stupid! You didn't even invite me to the wedding! I'm still pissed about that... Thin Thighs!

Martin:
When you're with Pam, read the signs. When you feed bears, they follow ya home!

Gina:
There's nothing wrong with my head, Martin! There's nothing wrong with my head!

Martin:
Cole, do me a favor. Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' tomorrow.

Cole:
[pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you?

Martin:
Cole, do me a favor.

Cole:
What's up?

Martin:
Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' later.

Cole:
[pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you?

Martin:
Ummm... how 'bout 6:43?

Cole:
I'm busy at 6:43... but I'm free at 6:44 though.

Martin:
Oh, alright. Then at 6:44, I'ma be waitin' on that ass-whoopin'.

[At haunted house, a howling sound is made from the background]

Martin:
That's just Pam, letting us know she's alright.

[the gang thinks Tommy is rushing into marriage]

Gina:
This is ridiculous! How's Tommy gonna marry someone he just met?

Shanise:
At a church, Gina. Duuuh!

[Martin has insulted Pam during a toast to her marriage]

Gina:
Martin, stop it!

Pam:
Nah, nah, it's ok Gina. I mean, Martin did climb all the way down from that wedding cake to make this toast.

Martin:
Tommy, it's all good. If you like her, then we like her. It don't matter what color she is. I don't care if she's black, white, green, or whatever.

Cole:
[laughing] Martin, c'mon now! You know you'd be trippin' if Tommy was dating a green girl.

Martin:
[about Cole's lousy new apartment] Cole, c'mon now! This place is so small, that you gotta go outside to change your mind!

Cole:
See you later, Pam... my little chocolate ho-ho.

Pam:
[offended] What did you call me?

Tommy:
He meant "ring ding"... like the cupcake.

Sheneneh:
[shouting] Is that your wife, or is your dog walking backwards?

[Two midgets want Tommy to step outside with them in regards to some beef]

Martin:
[ready to rumble] Tommy, you alright? Want me to come with you?

Tommy:
Martin, c'mon now! I can handle this on my own. I mean, what they gonna do? Untie my shoes? [laughs hysterically]

[leaving message on answering machine]

Cole:
Mom, I wanna come back. I'm lonely and my place is wack. Oh, and if you get this message, it's me, Cole.

Martin:
You know I'm sensitive about my job, you didn't have to go there!

Pam:
You know I'm sensative about my buck shots, you didn't have to go there!

Martin:
There's a difference, a good job is hard to come by, but they got Dark & Lovely on damn near every corner you pass!

Sheneneh:
Kid, can you kiss me like you did that light-skinned girl in House Party?

[repeated line]

Martin:
Get to steppin'! Step!

Sheneneh:
Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!

[repeated line]

Brother Man:
I'm Bruh-Man.

[holds up four fingers]

Brother Man:
From the fifth flo'

Stan Winters:
Umm girl, you got fire and spice.

Sheneneh:
Oh you said two keywords. You said I have fire and spice. So stay away fo' I burn yo ass up!

Ottis:
Wo wo wo wait wait. Is that yo car? Is that yours?

Pamela 'Pam' James:
Yes it is i'll move it in a minute

Ottis:
No what you gon do is move that car right now! you gon move that car right now!

Pamela 'Pam' James:
Look what is your problem grandpa?

Ottis:
My problem is, girl missy pooh! [stares at Pam momentarily] My problem is you in a no parking zone! Whats the matter its not red enough for you? Do I gotta change it from bright red to blind as a bat red. move this car right now!

Sheneneh Jenkins:
[singing in car] We got us a man!

Keylolo:
Whatchu got girl!

Sheneneh Jenkins:
I said we got us man!

Keylolo, Bonquisha:
Wutchu got Wutchu got!

Sheneneh Jenkins:
Look i aint trynna cheat on him because i got us a man!

Thomas 'Tommy' Strawn:
Ladies! Ladies! Please!

Sheneneh Jenkins:
Dang Tommy! We just trynna say we got us a man thats all. I mean damn! Excuse M.C. No hair! Damn we just warming up the club Tommy.

Bobbi:
[Snaps her fingers] Can we have something to drink?

Martin Payne:
[Snaps his fingers back] Yeah, you can get some to drink, Bobbi. Um, I got soda. Ya'll want soda?

Bobbi:
Too much caffeine.

Martin Payne:
Okay well cool, Bobbi. I'll figure it out. Let me see. Uhh, I got orange juice. Ya'll like orange juice?

Thomasina:
No, it gives me gas.

Martin Payne:
Okay, shoot. Got some wine. Some wine - oops, bad idea. Guess that's what got you pregnant in the first place. [Thrusts his pelvis] Boink!

Bobbi:
Thomasina's in the bathroom. She can wait for Gina if she wants to, but I can't stand to be around you for another second...

Martin Payne:
Girl you ain't got to wait! 'Scuse me! [Pushes her out and slams the door]

Martin Payne:
Now I know why Mama had plastic slipcovers!

Martin Payne:
All right. Um, what I do now? [Thomasina opens her legs] OOOHHH! Aah, girl! I don't even know you! Let's ease into this!

Martin Payne:
I work hard baby. I do a lot of research.

Gina Waters:
Like yesterday's show? Talking about how Redd Foxx is still alive?

Martin Payne:
Babe, think about it. The man faked it. If you owe $16 billion in taxes, what would you do?

Gina Waters:
You think your friends are better?

Martin Payne:
Most definitely.

Gina Waters:
Like Cole? He's primitive. He don't even have have thumbs!

Martin Payne:
Hey,hey,hey,hey... Cole don't need thumbs. He can't count past eight babe!

Martin Payne:
My ex-girlfriend once asked me if I loved her. Do I love her?... Well, let's just say that in the course of a four-year relationship,I bought her a hat, a scarf,a t-shirt and a sweater. We broke up... I let her keep the sweater. Now, I know you cannot put a price tag on love... but that sweater really set a brother back, all right? How far should a man go for love? We'll be right back.

Ms. Trinidad:
Martin, don't fight this! Don't you want me?

Gina Waters Payne:
[Enters carrying a gym bag] No b*tch, I want you.

Ms. Trinidad:
[Pretending to be shocked] Gina!

Gina Waters Payne:
That's right, "Gina!" And how did you know my name was Gina? Last night you called me by my name before Martin even mentioned it. I never realized it until I went home. So that makes you a liar. [Takes off earrings]

Gina Waters Payne:
[Places bag on desk, taking out sneakers and Vaseline] And if there is one thing that I hate more than a liar, is a liar who tried to steal my man.

Gina Waters Payne:
[Takes off shoes, then charges towards ms. Trinidad until Martin gets in the way and stops her] If you go near Martin again, I ma hurt you, you got that girlfriend? Huh?

Martin Payne:
Fellas, I wanna talk about women and money. Did you ever notice, like, around payday, your check becomes our check? Your lady says stuff like, "When do we get paid?" And..."Did we already put our check in the bank?" And I'm thinking, "There's a lot of 'we we' going on here. When did you start speaking French?" So think about it. When your lady starts speaking French, start speaking Spanish - "Adios!"

Thomas Strawn:
Hey, Martin, you think Peter Pan was gay, man? You know, hanging up in the tree with all them Lost Boys?

Martin Payne:
The man had a girl. Tinkerbell, man.

Thomas Strawn:
Yeah, but Tinker was only this tiny thing.

Martin Payne:
Yeah, but most of that was butt, man. Pow! Tinker was like that! Ha-ha!

Gina Waters:
Okay, this how we play, when I ask a question, you just answer it honestly, okay? That means everybody.

Martin Payne:
I'm gonna do the honest thing, girl!

Gina Waters:
Alright. Question number one - "Would you date someone who was 40lbs. overweight?"

Martin Payne:
Nah. Nah. No. No. I got to breathe , baby. [act like he's suffocating]

Pamela 'Pam' James:
I would. I mean, as long as 20 of it was in his wallet.

Cole Brown:
Uh, sure. 40lbs. overweight means baby can cook.

Pamela 'Pam' James:
Next question: "If you were married and shipwrecked on a desert island with a beautiful stranger, would you make love to them?"

Cole Brown:
Whew, Mary Ann and Ginger? Yeah! But not that Mrs. Howell.

Gina Waters:
Martin?

Martin Payne:
Come on, baby, I would die making love to a coconut before I'd cheat on you.

Gina Waters:
Next question: "Would you date someone who was of a different race than yourself?"

Cole Brown:
It don't matter what race she is. We all black when the lights go out.

Thomas Strawn:
Well, I don't know. My mama always told me, "If she can't use your comb, don't bring her home."

Cole Brown:
Wait a minute. Tommy, you were dating a white girl in college.

Thomas Strawn:
No, she wasn't white! She was French!

Pamela 'Pam' James:
Look, Martin, if money is power, then you ain't got none, 'cause, see, Gina makes a whole lot more more money than you do anyway.

Martin Payne:
[shocked] When did you start making more money than me?

Thomas Strawn:
Don't go there , brother.

Martin Payne:
Yo, check this out, everyone knows that Gina makes more money than me, man.

Stan Winters:
So what's the problem, man? You know, you got a woman supporting you. Kick back, relax and spend her dough, man. Shucks, I've been looking for a girl like this for years. I got close once, but she died before I could get the papers signed. 6 months pushing wheelchairs for nothing.

Martin Payne:
Stan, that's cold, man.

Stan Winters:
No, it's not. What's cold is I'm going after her mother next week!

Evelyn:
[trying break-up a fight between Edna and Mattie] Now, Ladies, can't we act our age here?

Edna 'Mama' Payne:
Evelyn, if we acted our age , you'd be dead!

Martin:
The only one that can make it in this blizzard, is The Abominable Snow Pam.

Martin:
The only one that can make it in this blizzard is The Abominable Snow Pam.

Sheneneh:
You said anything?

Gina:
Yes Sheneneh please!

Sheneneh:
Oh ok. Well what i want is, i hear shes a songtress; she likes to sing; she likes to blow. What i want is for her to sing one of my songs. I want her to sing "Old Mcdonald had a farm" facing the wall, now!

Pam:
What! Please!

Sheneneh:
You heard me! You go tell me to crawl back inside my hole like im some dog have you lost yo mind i aint no dog, face the wall and sing "Old Mcdonald had a farm" , the wall! [Turns around] [to Gina] I want the wall! [Gina mumbles] You want the ticketst!. Now get yo vocal skills together do you need practice first? [Sheneneh yelps high pitch tone] You need that?

Pam:
[Effortlessly] Oh Mcdonald had a...

Sheneneh:
Cut! you dont believe that, you dont feel that. With soul!

Pam:
[With effort] Oh Mcdonald had a farm, eey i eey i OHH! [turns and looks at Sheneneh]

Sheneneh:
And on that farm!

Gina:
[after searching for Martin's tickets] Oh, my God, Pam, I think I threw them away!

Pam:
[Points at her like a little kid] Martin gon' kill you.

Jerome:
[while watching Pam walk away] Ooh, girl! You sho' is swollen! Right on back yo' colon.

Sheneneh:
Ohh! Well, look who came crawling back on her ashy little knees. What do you need? Some lotion? Why don't you just spit it down?

[Pretends to spit on her hands and rub her knees down]

Gina:
Okay. Sheneneh, look, I'm gonna make this as fast as possible because this is not easy for me, okay?

Sheneneh:
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Gina:
[Takes a deep breath] Okay.

Sheneneh:
Uh-huh.

Gina:
[Speaks very quickly] I'm-gonna-work-in-your-in-your-shop-this-morning-for-the-basketball-tickets, okay?

Sheneneh:
Pronunciate. I thought you... aren't you a college student? Pronunciate.

Gina:
[Angrily] I will work in your shop...

Sheneneh:
Ah! Not with an attitude. A-gain!

Laquita:
Oh-oh-oh, Sheneneh, can you make me look like this? [Hands Sheneneh a magazine]

Sheneneh:
Laquita, I ain't no plastic surgeon, okay? Don't be bringin' me no picture of Whitney Houston because you're not Whitney Houston. You're not even Bobby Brown, okay? I'm sorry, okay? Now what you do is make it your prerogative, bring me a picture of Flavor Flav and we'll talk, okay?

Laquita:
Oh! Uh-uh, uh-uh! Girl, you so crazy!

Pam:
Gina, all right, I'm here to help you out any way I know how, okay? Are you okay?

Gina:
Girl, am I okay? Pam, look at my hair! Look at it!

Pam:
[Pulls one of Gina's braids and it snaps back] Well, maybe if it didn't snap back so hard.

Sheneneh:
Are we sitting down, Little Miss Lazy Dukes? [Picks up a piece of hair. Drops it and points at it while it floats back down] Oops, there it is!

Gina:
Wait, Sheneneh. Look, I have done hair before.

Sheneneh:
Pickin' Pam's buckshots don't count, okay? [Pam turns and stares at Sheneneh menacingly]

Myra:
[after Gina gives her a regular Coke instead of a Diet one] Pooey! This ain't no damn diet soda! What you tryin' do, raise up my blood sugar! Sheneneh! This girl is tryin' kill me! Oh, Lord! Have mercy! [Passes the drink to Sheneneh] Sugar!

Sheneneh:
Are you tryin' to kill Myra?

Mama Payne:
Wait a minute, Florine! You still chuckin' them peas, Big Face?

Gina Waters Payne:
Hi, I'm Gina. I'm Martin's girlfriend.

Martin Payne:
That's my Bay-bay.

Shaneneh:
Kid, you so crazy. You can't drink a fo-ty from a glass. You gotta drink it from the head!

Shaneneh:
Kid? Can you kiss me like you did that little light skinned girl in House Party?

Marian:
[Drunkenly ranting at a male model walking the runway] Come on, baby! Shake something! Anything, your feet, your booty, anything! [Drunkenly pauses] Make me want to give you my money. [the model just stands in front of her, staring] All right. Get out of here. You ain't doing nothing. Just don't shake it like they used to.

Pam:
All right, y'all ladies havin' a good time? [Women shout in agreement] All right. Well, you like what you see, get your checkbooks out, all right?

Titus:
Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh. Ain't just about no ladies. Nuh-uh, see, that's discrimination. [Pam turns to ignore him and move on]

Pam:
All right, I'm gonna bring the next bachelor to the stage, okay? I want y'all to give it up for Chocolate Thunder! [Tommy, decked out in a 3-piece suit, walks out onto the runway]

Titus:
Mm, now if that's "Chocolate Thunder", then I'm "Greased Lightning". [Tommy proceeds to walk the runway and strikes a few poses]

Marian:
What do you think you doin'? Huh? Huh? Huh? You ain't doin' nothin'. Come on! Lose the clothes like you lost that hair, Cue Ball! [Tommy, still posing, turns only to have his crotch in her face] All right, don't put it in my face unless you're ready to go to the place!

Martin:
[Rushes towards the runway] Tommy! You ain't got to do this! Look at y'all, ladies! Move, move it! Giving away all your hard-earned money, huh? You should be home with your husbands, your men! Tommy, the party's over, huh? Get your happy-ass down off stage! Let's go!

Tommy:
Martin, hold on, man. What the hell are you doing here?

Gina:
You should all be ashamed of yourselves, all of you!

Martin:
[to Pam] That's right, especially you, Bride of Stankenstein! And look at you, lady. You're drunk, it's disgusting! You are drunk!

Marian:
I ain't drunk. I'm on medication!

Martin:
Gina, I can't take it no more! Girl, the closet door done flew open and the bones done fell out!

Gina:
[Overhearing a man talking about "getting rid of Pam"] Oh, God. They gon' get rid of Pam!. [Almost passes out but Martin catches her]

Martin:
No, no, baby, no. No, listen to me. You don't - [Still trying to snap Gina out of it] Don't you pass out on me! Okay, now you listen to me. All stray cats got nine lives. Okay? Pam's cool.

Martin:
[under the impression that Tommy is a male stripper] Gina, I can't take it no more! Girl, the closet door done flew open and the bones done fell out!

Mamma Jama:
[advancing towards Martin to have sex with him] I feel a lot of love in this room. I feel a lot of *nasty* love in this room!

Sheneneh:
[after spotting Gina and Pam with a couple of moving boxes] Hey! Well, well, well. Lookie, lookie, lookie, lookie. Huh, I guess Martin finally done kicked you to the curb, huh, Gina? Well, send me a post card from Bougieville, aw-awight?

Sheneneh:
[comes out of her apartment and sees Gina and Pam moving boxes] Ah! Well, well, well! Looky, looky, looky, looky, looky! Oh, I guess Martin done finally kicked you to the curb, huh, Gina? Well, send me a postcard from Bourgie-ville. Aha! Oh-ba-da...

Gina:
For your information, Sheneneh... [Sheneneh turns around and both are face to face with each other] Oh, yes. I'm here.

Sheneneh:
Oh, you're here?

Gina:
Oh, yes.

Sheneneh:
Well then say what you gotta say before I tear it. What's happening? What's happ...

Gina:
I am not moving out. I'm moving in.

Sheneneh:
[gasps] No! Pose. No!

Gina:
Yes.

Sheneneh:
You don't have my permission to move up in here!

Pam:
Permission? Puh-lease. You ain't got to explain nothin' to her.

Sheneneh:
Doot, doot! Doot-doot-doot! Must time repeat itself? [Motions Gina to move out of her way] Move it along, move it along, bring it across! Now - [Turns back to Gina who is close on her] - would you back up off me... rowr-rowr... before I tear it right down the middle? I'll snatch your grill from you. I'll snatch it. Take all your frets. [Turns back to Pam] Now... I was not even talkin' to you, Cujo! I happen to be 3rd Floor Captain in this here building, a'ight? A'ight? [Has here finger in Pam's face. Pam puts hers up to move Sheneneh's out of the way]

Pam:
You better get that finger out...

Sheneneh:
Don't you touch - [Pam's finger breaks off Sheneneh's nail] B*tch done broke my nail! [Both prepare to scrap]

Gina:
Oh, no! Sheneneh, just stop it! Come on now!

Sheneneh:
[comes out of her apartment and sees Gina and Pam moving boxes] Ah! Well, well, well! Looky, looky, looky, looky, looky! Oh, I guess Martin done finally kicked you to the curb, huh, Gina? Well, send me a postcard from Bourgie-ville. Aha! [sings] Oh-ba-da...

Gina:
For your information, Sheneneh... [Sheneneh turns around and both are face to face with each other] Oh, yes. I'm here.

Sheneneh:
Oh, you're here?

Sheneneh:
Well then say what you gotta say before I tear it. What's happening? What's happ...

Gina:
I am not moving out. I'm moving in.

Sheneneh:
[gasps] No! Pause. NOOOO!

Gina:
Yes.

Sheneneh:
You don't have my permission to move up in here!

Pam:
Permission? Puh-lease! You ain't got to explain nothin' to her.

Sheneneh:
Doot, doot! Doot-doot-doot! Must time repeat itself? [Motions Gina to move out of her way] Move it along, move it along, bring it across! Now - [Turns back to Gina who is close on her] Would you back up off me - rowr-rowr - before I tear it right down the middle? I'll snatch your grill from you. I'll snatch it. Take all your fronts. [Turns back to Pam] Now... I was not even talkin' to you, Cujo! I happen to be 3rd Floor Captain in this here building, a'ight? A'ight!

Pam:
[Has here finger in Pam's face. Pam puts hers up to move Sheneneh's out of the way] You better get that finger out...

Sheneneh:
Don't you touch - [Pam's finger breaks off Sheneneh's nail] B*tch done broke my nail!

Pam:
[Both prepare to scrap and Gina tries to break it up] Oh, no! Sheneneh, just stop it! Come on now!

Sheneneh:
[after Tommy hits her car] Now my insurance goin' go sky high, Tommy!

Tommy:
Sheneneh, I thought you told me you didn't have any insurance.

Sheneneh:
I don't, Tommy, and now I ain't goin' be able to get none is what I'm trying to tell you!

Sheneneh:
Well, well, lookie, lookie, I didn't know knickerbockers was back in style!

Pam:
Look, Sheneneh, I'm not going there with you today, okay?

Sheneneh:
You will go wherever Sheneneh wants you to go!

Gina:
Sheneneh, what are you doing here?

Sheneneh:
The same thing as you, and looking way better may I add... wit yo little tired, green, Army suit on... hut-two choo-choo!

Pam:
Sheneneh, why don't you just leave before you embarrass yourself. Oh no, it's too late!

Sheneneh:
What? What? Let me tell you something, G.I. Ho! Let me tell you something, okay? You don't mess with me, looking like Colonel Abrams, you hear me?

Sheneneh:
Hold up wait a minute yo lil club need Sheneneh in it

Laquita:
Sheneneh Jenkins and Laquita Lumpkins in the hishouse. hey!

Gina:
Sheneneh what are you doing here?

Sheneneh:
The same thing as you. And looking way better may I add. Witcho lil tired green army suit on. hut too choo choo!

Pam:
Sheneneh why dont you just leave before you embarass yourself. Oh no! Its to late!

Sheneneh:
What? What? Let me tell you something G.I. Hoe, let me tell you something. Ok, you dont mess with me lookin like a lil girl you hear me!

Pam:
You better back off! [All of them start arguing]

Laquita:
Dont worry girl I got yo back!

Drunk Woman:
Five bucks on the one with the weave!

Martin Payne:
I'm talking about wanting you , girl. That's what I'm talking about.

Gina Waters:
Martin, Martin, hey, hey. Tonight is our anniversary. You can have me then. All right?

Martin Payne:
Whoa whoa whoa, baby. Didn't we just celebrate our anniversary about 2 months ago?

Gina Waters:
Martin, that was our one-year anniversary of our 1st date. Tonight is our one-year anniversary of the 1st time that you, um... you know.

Martin Payne:
No, I don't know. What?

Gina Waters:
The 1st time you ever said the L word.

Martin Payne:
Lick me?

Martin Payne:
They say you never forget your first kiss. Well, I've never forgot mine. I was eight, she was 11. Rachel Wyatt - sweet face. The girl weighed about 240lbs strong! She was standing by the monkey bars with a weird look in her eyes. So I ran like hell in the other direction, but for a chubby girl, baby was fast. before I knew it, she had pinned me to the ground - just slobbing and kissing all over me.I felt like my face was in a car wash. Messed me up, messed me up bad. To this day, whenever I see someone spitting or washing their car... I think you Rachel Wyatt, my first kiss. [wipes his lips]

Valentino:
Come on, Sheneneh, let's split up this prize money so I can get out of here.

Sheneneh:
All right, all right, be patient, aw-awight? Here. [hands him his share]

Valentino:
That's only $5.00, Sheneneh. We're supposed to split up half of 300. I can count, okay?

Sheneneh:
That's what you get for clowning my friends on national TV. You don't know them like that!

Valentino:
$5.00, Sheneneh? I can't buy nothing for $5.00, Sheneneh.

Sheneneh:
No, but you can buy a one-way ticket to get the hell out of my faceville. Now, poof, pow, begone!

Gina Waters:
Sit down, Martin. We're gonna have a secance.

Martin Payne:
Oh, no we're not!

[a lound banging noise is heard]

Pamela 'Pam' James:
Martin, what's that knocking?

Martin Payne:
Gee, I don't know. Well, it sure ain't opportunity!

Ghostly Voice:
[distored voice] Martin!

Martin Payne:
What's that? Who's there?

Ghostly Voice:
We want you, Martin.

Martin Payne:
[scared to death] Uh... Martin isn't in right now, but if you leave your name and number after the beep, I'll get back to you. Beep!

Ghostly Voice:
We're coming for you, Martin!

Martin Payne:
Aww, man! Can't we all get along?

[to an approaching demon with glowing red eyes]

Martin Payne:
Oh, no! Get away from me! Hey, you should look at your eyes, man! You're messin' with them drugs, ain't you?

Martin Payne:
Hey. Yo, man. Don't funk this jacket up tonight with that cheap cologne you be wearing.

Cole Brown:
Man, don't even worry about it. Listen, I'll bring it back tonight, all right?... Or tomorrow if I get lucky.

Martin Payne:
Ha-ha. See you tonight!

Cole Brown:
Uh, remember that new jacket you just got? Can I borrow it? going out tonight.

Martin Payne:
No! You know why? Because you always borrow stuff of mine and you never return it. Where's my CD player?

Cole Brown:
I'm gonna get it back to you alright? My mom's got it. She's holding it... till I pay my rent.

Jerome:
[grabs the arm of girl at the club] Stop the press! This has got to be jelly. Because jam don't shake like that!

Martin Payne:
[opening monologue] I remember my 1st practical joke. It was on my cousin Ken. He was outside playing basketball so I figured, right, I'll go to the refrigerator, get a bottle of soda, pour some dishwashing liquid in it - you know, play that joke. I could see him come in the house and take a sip of that and say, "Hey Martin, this is not soda! Good one , good one." Sure enough, 15 minutes later, he comes running into the house. he went for that soda. At least he taught it was soda. "Hmm, pah! Yo , man!" As he chuckled like a maniac, he beat me like he didn't know me. As he punched and he laughed and he punched and he laughed and he punched and he laughed, this is when I realized I had the gift to make people laugh. Thank you Ken, thank you.

Jerome:
Excuse me? Haven't we met here before? My name is Jerome. But you can call me J.J. because everything is dyn-o-mite! You hear? Wait-a-minute. Something just clicked. Click, click. There it is. I know your name. Your name must be Candy because you look so sweet. Give me a bite of that candy.

Gina Waters:
wait. Hold up. My boyfriend is right over there and I don't think he would appreciate you coming onto me with those tired, weak, 1975 "Superfly" lines. Thank you.

Jerome:
I guess you're talking about the little big-eared guy over there. Let me tell you something. If you wanna get with a winner, you gotta drop that chicken dinner. You hear? You've gotta gry rid of your friend, though, if you wanna ride in a Benz-o. Now what you got to say? Give it to me now.

Gina Waters:
You a rhyming man huh? A poet.

Jerome:
And you know it.

Gina Waters:
Well, I got one for you.

Jerome:
Give it to me.

Gina Waters:
If you don't like mace, get out of my face!

Jerome:
I didn't like you anyway. I was just trying to help you out.

Martin Payne:
I never understood why a brother takes their lady to a club. That's like going out fr hot dogs when you got Steak-Ums at home.

Gina Waters:
You know, you use to do it. It's fun, it's exciting, it's romantic.

Martin Payne:
I'm romantic. You know that. Don't we get "busy" every day?

Gina Waters:
I'm not talking about that, Martin. You know, we never do anything exciting, like go out.

Martin Payne:
Oh! Oh, okay, so that's it.You want me to be like Romeo. Come on baby, that ain't me, I got my own thing.

Gina Waters:
I just thought that it would be fun to do something different, like go out.

Martin Payne:
You want to go to maybe to the hip-hop club? Or the rock-your-butt club? You wanna do that? No,no, let's go to your favorite, baby. The Price Club. Ha-ha.

Gina Waters:
You forgot one, Martin. The man-who-sleeps-all-by-himself club.

Martin Payne:
Well, you just make sure I get in free.

Martin:
What's up, Angry Man?

Angry Man:
Sit yo' ass down!