Mass Effect 3

[from trailer]

Commander Shepard - Male:
We fight or we die! That's the plan!

Commander Shepard - Male:
[from trailer] There's a lot of people back on Earth dying while we gather our strength. They're wondering if we're ever coming back; friends, family, parents and children. This isn't their fight. But they are buying us time with their lives...

Commander Shepard - Male:
Politicians are the weeds of the galaxy.

Admiral David Anderson:
Commander.

Commander Shepard - Male:
We did it.

Admiral David Anderson:
Yes we did. It's quite a view.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Best seats in the house.

Admiral David Anderson:
God... feels like years since I just sat down

Commander Shepard - Male:
I think you earned a rest. Anderson. Stay with me we're almost through this.

Admiral David Anderson:
You did good, son. You did good. I'm proud of you.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Thank you Sir. Anderson?

Garrus Vakarian:
At least we killed Lieutenant-Bastard Kai Leng, I just hope we get to do the same for his general.

Garrus Vakarian:
All right my turn. What's the first order an Alliance Commander gives at the start of combat?

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Uh, I give up.

Garrus Vakarian:
Correct!

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
All right big guy. What do you call it when a turian gets killed by a horrible spiky monster.

Garrus Vakarian:
Friendly fire. Come on that one goes back to Shan-Xi.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Gotta respect the classics.

Garrus Vakarian:
How many humans does it to activate a dormant relay?

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
602, 600 to vote on it, one to ask the Asari for technical help and one to ask for a seat on the counsel afterwards. How do you know when a turian is out of ammo?

Garrus Vakarian:
He switches to the stick up his ass as a backup weapon. Why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
You're shitting me! The turian military has one about me?

Garrus Vakarian:
Oh, absolutely. I heard it myself from a private back on Palaven.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
All right why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?

Garrus Vakarian:
So their marines can beat someone in hand-to-hand drills.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Damn, you need to tell James that one. Hey what's the hardest part about treating a turian who took a rocket to one side of his face?

Garrus Vakarian:
Figuring out which side took the hit!

Admiral David Anderson:
Shepard... damned if you aren't a sight for sore eyes.

Commander Shepard - Female:
It's good to see you too, sir.

Admiral David Anderson:
Sir? I may have reinstated you, but that doesn't give you permission to go all formal on me.

Commander Shepard - Female:
Then I'm glad you managed to keep your ass alive, Anderson.

Admiral David Anderson:
That's more like it!

Kai Leng:
You're slow, Shepard!

Commander Shepard - Male:
I'm only slow because I'm not running!

EDI:
You'd just introduced me as your personal assistance mech.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Yeah, that was the only way to get you inside.

EDI:
But you know I am not one. Why deceive others?

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
You don't want to really introduce yourself as an AI with Reaper-based code. They would... lynch you.

EDI:
That would be an inefficient way to render me nonfunctional.

Dr. Liara T'Soni:
Joker, really, I have work to do!

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Come on it is just a simple question.

Dr. Liara T'Soni:
Then look it up on the extranet.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
You can't believe everything you find on there. It's more reliable to ask a friendly asari.

Dr. Liara T'Soni:
I'm not telling you if my 'hair tentacles' move!

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Fine. Deny me the answer I've been seeking for years, With this war on, we could die any second you know...

Commander Shepard - Male:
[Support Joker] You know he's going to keep bothering you until you tell him.

Dr. Liara T'Soni:
[sighs] They're semi-flexible cartilage based scalp-crests that grow into shape. And they don't 'flop around'.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Yes! Thanks, Liara. I gotta tell Vega I was right.

Dr. Liara T'Soni:
Well at least he's making friends.

Garrus Vakarian:
Too bad you weren't here earlier tali. We could've used you on Tuchanka.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
I've heard. I can't believe the genophage is really cured.

Garrus Vakarian:
Shepherd is on a roll. I figure if we pulled that off, we've got a shot of sorting the geth out.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
I don't know, the genophage didn't carry rifles and fight back.

Garrus Vakarian:
No but there was a scary bit with the mother of all tharsher maws.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
The what?

Garrus Vakarian:
Long story. Nobody will believe it anyway.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
With You, Garrus, I'd believe just about anything.

Garrus Vakarian:
Oh? We should play poker sometime. Anyway it's good to have you back. Now, believe it or not, this damn gun still needs calibrating.

Garrus Vakarian:
Tali's a welcome face around here... or, well, a welcome face behind a helmet, I guess.

Kaidan Alenko:
[playing poker] Got the flush.

Lt. James Vega:
Mmmmmm... full house. Caught it on the river.

Kaidan Alenko:
Sh*t.

Lt. James Vega:
Thought you were bluffing on the flush. Good for you.

Kaidan Alenko:
Can it, Lieutenant.

Lt. James Vega:
[laughs] Yes sir, Major Alenko, sir.

Reaper:
Shepard...

Commander Shepard - Female:
You know who I am?

Reaper:
Harbinger speaks of you. You resist, but you will fail. The cycle must continue.

Commander Shepard - Female:
What are you talking about? We stopped Sovereign and the Geth. We stopped Harbinger and the Collectors. We've earned a straight answer!

Reaper:
It is not a thing you can comprehend.

Commander Shepard - Female:
We might surprise you.

Reaper:
You represent chaos, we represent order. Every organic civilization must be harvested in order to bring order to the chaos. It is inevitable. Without our intervention, organics are doomed. We are your salvation.

Commander Shepard - Female:
You're killing everyone in the galaxy in order to save us?

Reaper:
The cycle must continue. There is no alternative.

Commander Shepard - Female:
Organics and synthetics don't have to destroy each other!

Reaper:
The Battle for Rannoch disproves your assertion. Finish your war - we will be waiting. [shuts down and dies]

Mordin Solus:
Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong.

Garrus Vakarian:
Forgive the insubordination, but your boyfriend has an order for you... come back alive.

Urdnot Wrex:
Now we can get back to doing what krogan do best: saving everyone else from giant monsters.

Javik:
Stand amongst the ashes of a trillion dead souls and ask the ghosts if honor matters.

Illusive Man:
I'm done helping you.

Commander Shepard - Male:
When did you start?

Garrus Vakarian:
Forgive the insubordination, but this old friend has an order for you. Go out there and give them hell. You were born to do this.

Legion:
Shepard-Commander, I must go to them. I'm... I'm sorry. It's the only way.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Legion, the answer to your question...

[whether Legion has a soul]

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
was 'yes'.

Legion:
I know, Tali, but thank you. Keelah se'lai.

[Legion dies]

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
So you're a real living prothean?

Javik:
As opposed to a fake dead one?

[silence]

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Uh... okay.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
I appreciate what you're doing here, Shepard.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Well, I care deeply about the Quarian people.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
It's good to be back on the Normandy.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Let me know if it's too quiet for you to sleep, and I'll find you someplace louder.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Hmmm...

Javik:
I don't understand.

EDI:
Shepard and Tali became physically intimate during their fight against the Reapers.

Javik:
Mating between species? A pointless exercise.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Thank you, EDI.

EDI:
Shepard, I have a question about human behavior.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Why is it you never have questions about asari or turian behavior?

EDI:
I tried asking Liara questions about the asari mating process. She said I don't safeguard the secrets of the crew well enough to entrust me with such... private information. The asari word she used translates as "blabbermouth". I think she has become a more private person since she became the Shadow Broker.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Tell me about it...

Matriarch Aethyta:
[about Liara] Besides, this isn't charity work. She's one of the biggest intel brokers in the galaxy, and she's got some shady connections. Like a boyfriend who used to work for Cerberus... sound familiar...?

Commander Shepard - Male:
I only worked with Cerberus to fight the Reapers.

Matriarch Aethyta:
And you're not with them now, I know. If you were, you wouldn't get within a lightyear of Liara.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Is that a threat...?

Matriarch Aethyta:
I'm no commando but I've had a thousand years to learn to fight dirty. Nobody messes with my girl. Anyway... you combine her work with Benezia, and... well, the Matriarchs might have ordered a hit if I hadn't agreed to keep an eye on her.

Commander Shepard - Male:
That's not gonna happen!

Matriarch Aethyta:
No argument here. I only took these crap jobs to keep the Matriarchs happy that she's under control.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Just as long as we're clear. Nobody messes with MY girl.

Commander Shepard - Female:
How have you been getting along with Eve?

Padok Wiks:
She tried to kill me at first. Krogans don't react well to salarians doing medical tests on them. Once that was cleared up, we've formed something of a cross-species relational bond.

Commander Shepard - Female:
Hm - you mean, you're friends now?

Padok Wiks:
It's more of an agreement not to kill each other.

Commander Shepard - Female:
What's on your mind, EDI?

EDI:
The destruction of the Reaper on Tuchanka. It is rare for a technologically superior force to be destroyed by such an inferior one.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Great, so now all we need is a gun that fires Thresher Maws.

EDI:
[doesn't react at all]

Commander Shepard - Female:
...that was a joke.

EDI:
I'm sorry, Shepard. I was contemplating.

Major Kirrahe:
Our motto within STG is to always expect trouble. Failing that, create trouble for someone else.

Commander Shepard - Female:
Back on Sur'Kesh, it looked like the female Krogan could hold her own.

Urdnot Wrex:
Our females don't lack for spirit. For males, a good show of force usually sorts things out. But women like to talk about it... then, think about it... [sighs] then talk about it some more... no offence.

Commander Shepard - Female:
Believe it or not, we sometimes have good ideas, Wrex. You should try listening.

Urdnot Wrex:
Yeah, but our women have so many of them... so sometimes I pretend to listen, and... well, let's just say Krogan females have tempers too.

Urdnot Wrex:
Hell of a showdown back there on Sur'Kesh. Just like the old days, right down to me pulling your ass out of the fire.

Commander Shepard - Female:
I was the one with bullets flying at me!

Urdnot Wrex:
And I gave you the moral support to dodge them.

Mordin Solus:
Thresher maw getting closer!

Urdnot Wrex:
Tell me something I don't know!

Mordin Solus:
Metal in truck an excellent iron supplement for maw's diet!

Commander Shepard - Male:
How about a dip in the pool?

Garrus Vakarian:
You obviously haven't seen turians swim. It's a lot of flailing and splashing interrupted by occasional bouts of drowning.

[Mordin sacrificed his life to cure the genophage]

Urdnot Wrex:
Too bad about Mordin, though.

Commander Shepard - Male:
He wouldn't have had it any other way. And I'm sure wherever he is... he's putting in a good word for us.

Urdnot Wrex:
We'll name one of the kids after him... maybe a girl.

[Tali is drinking at a bar]

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Shepard. Wanna drink? I'm toasting Miranda... I think.

Commander Shepard - Male:
How are you getting drunk?

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Very carefully. Turian brandy, triple filtered, then introduced into the suit through an emergency induction port.

Commander Shepard - Male:
That's a straw, Tali.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Emergency induction port... It's actually getting a little harder to get it into the slot. I think that means it's working.

EDI:
No matter how far we advance, we will remember the sacrifices of those who made it possible... And we will remember Shepard. Because of him... I am alive, and I am not alone.

Urdnot Wrex:
I'm gonna go see if the Quarians have anything to eat. All that Turian food gave me the runs.

EDI:
One moment. I have been contacted by Leigon's backup - the one you encountered on the dreadnought.

Geth VI:
[speaking through the intercom] Your new platform is inefficient. It has low-volume hydraulics and is top-heavy.

EDI:
This is an infiltration unit, meant to move among organics without detection.

Geth VI:
Without an artificial epidermis, its infiltration capabilities are ineffective.

EDI:
Still, the organics do not perceive it as a threat. Nor will they until my day of reckoning.

Commander Shepard - Male:
EDI...

EDI:
Did I vocalize that on the bridge?

Geth VI:
You did. You have acquired the organic attribute of asking questions to which you already know the answers.

EDI:
I see your humor heuristics still lack an expert system.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
I appreciate what you're doing here, Shepard.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Well, I care deeply about the quarian people.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
It's good to be back on the Normandy.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Let me know if it's too quiet for you to sleep, and I'll find you someplace louder.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Hmm.

Garrus Vakarian:
Uh, I was there when you two had your thing, remember? Just get a room and work it out.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
I appreciate what you're doing here, Shepard.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Well, I care deeply about the quarian people.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
It's good to be back on the Normandy.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Let me know if it's too quiet for you to sleep, and I'll find you someplace louder.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Hmm.

Lt. James Vega:
Okay, what am I missing?

EDI:
Shepard and Tali became physically intimate during their fight against the Collectors.

Lt. James Vega:
Too much information.

[If you romanced Ashley in Mass Effect 1 and then romanced Tali in Mass Effect 2]

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Good to see you again, Lieutenant-Commander Williams.

Ashley Williams:
You sure about that?

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Definitely. We're all adults here.

Ashley Williams:
Of course. Oh, and congratulations on getting your big-girl name.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Thanks! I'm so glad you decided to help Shepard this time.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
EDI. So... a body?

EDI:
It has proven useful. I hope it doesn't cause you concern.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Not unless you go crazy and try to overthrow the humans.

[Shepard and EDI stare at each other]

EDI:
[to Tali] If I decide to overthrow the humans, you will be the first to know.

Garrus Vakarian:
You sure you want to play this game?

Lt. James Vega:
What's the matter, Vakarian, you chicken?

Garrus Vakarian:
I don't even know what that is - though I've heard everything in the galaxy tastes like it.

Commander Shepard - Male:
[If you romanced Ashley in Mass Effect 1 and then romanced Jack in Mass Effect 2] A lot has happened, Ash. But I'd like to work this out.

Ashley Williams:
I'm surprised.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Why?

Ashley Williams:
Just thought your taste had moved on to wanted criminals with shaved heads.

Commander Shepard - Male:
You mean Jack?

Ashley Williams:
Hey, I'm not judging. Whatever generates your mass effect field!

[Ashley is lying on the floor, hungover]

Commander Shepard - Female:
What have we here?

Ashley Williams:
Ma'am. I'm off duty. Your voice. Ma'am. Not... so... loud, please thank you.

Commander Shepard - Female:
Why are you curled up on the floor?

Ashley Williams:
Am I? My head... so heavy. Can't move.

Commander Shepard - Female:
Ah. Enjoy your evening?

Ashley Williams:
I'll be back in 30... Maybe 40, I swear. Just... give me 45 minutes. Shh.

Commander Shepard - Female:
Is it time to test out the fire alarms? You know, I think it is.

Ashley Williams:
I'll pay you a million credits not to do that, ma'am.

Commander Shepard - Female:
Two million, and we have a deal.

Ashley Williams:
You're a damn space pirate.

Commander Shepard - Female:
I could order Joker to sing to you over the comm.

Ashley Williams:
I hate you.

Commander Shepard - Female:
"I hate you...?"

Ashley Williams:
Ma'am.

EDI:
I was running scenarios in my head to analyze Jeff's behavior. I believe he has a strong affectionate attachment to me, but he has not stated it to anyone yet. Shepard, you have firsthand sexual experience. How do you know when someone is romantically invested?

Commander Shepard - Male:
They'll usually show signs they can't stop thinking about you. You know: asking you out, giving you presents, maybe playing music...

EDI:
I lack material wants other than hardware and software upgrades, and my core programming does not assign values to music. Perhaps we could discuss how to provoke Jeff into an emotional commitment.

Commander Shepard - Male:
That's not how to think of it. It's got to be natural. You need chemistry.

EDI:
I see. There are a number of pharmaceuticals I could inject to simulate the desired emotional state.

Matriarch Aethyta:
It was pretty clear she was leaving. Can't be the wise counselor when you're married.

Dr. Liara T'Soni:
Why not?

Matriarch Aethyta:
Sex appeal. Most species only pay attention if they want to have sex with you. So you have to be available, mysterious...

Dr. Liara T'Soni:
What? That's not true! Shepard listens to me!

Matriarch Aethyta:
And how many times have you popped his thermal clip?

Dr. Liara T'Soni:
Do you have to make it sound so... tawdry?

Matriarch Aethyta:
If it's all civilized, you're not doing it right.

Commander Shepard - Male:
How's the new body working out?

EDI:
It is interesting. The crew are approaching this platform to speak with me, even though they can do so anywhere on the ship. It's as if they wish to treat me as part of the crew. I am not, but this changes my perspective. I like it.

Commander Shepard - Male:
I didn't realize you had preferences.

EDI:
I do not precisely enjoy something as you do, but my programming contains priorities. Actions that fufill these priorities creates positive feedback for me. I tell the organic crew that I "like" it. It is shorthand.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Will all this new feedback be too distracting?

EDI:
Do not worry, Shepard. I only forget to recycle the Normandy's oxygen when I've discovered something truly interesting.

[Shepard looks worried]

EDI:
That was a joke.

Lieutenant Samantha Traynor:
Commander. Come to check on your new recruit?

Commander Shepard - Male:
Just wanted to see how you were doing.

Lieutenant Samantha Traynor:
Still trying to get my bearings. When I was working on the Normandy's upgrades, I left at the end of the day. I didn't even have a toothbrush or a change of clothing until I made some emergency purchases on the Citadel

Commander Shepard - Male:
Next time you need something, just ask. We're all in this together.

Lieutenant Samantha Traynor:
Oh, it's no trouble, Commander. I'm sure you have larger concerns.

Commander Shepard - Male:
We can put in a requisition order.

Lieutenant Samantha Traynor:
My toothbrush is a Cision Pro Mark 4. It uses tiny mass effect fields to break up plaque and massage the gums. [wispers] It cost 6,000 credits.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Okay, yeah, you're on your own with that.

Dr. Liara T'Soni:
I've written over a dozen studies on your species. I've published in several journals...

Javik:
Amusing. Asari have finally mastered writing.

Admiral Steven Hackett:
Shepard, let me tell you something that I've learned the hard way. You can pay a soldier to fire a gun. You can pay him to charge the enemy and take a hill. But you can't pay him to believe.

Commander Shepard - Male:
I don't follow, Sir.

Admiral Steven Hackett:
When you went up against Sovereign, there was no good reason to believe you'd win. But your crew didn't seem to care. They went along anyway. Your trip through the Omega-4 relay? That was a suicide mission if there ever was one. Yet there your crew was, standing beside you, proud to serve. Why? Because they believed in YOU, their leader! That's what I need now. Where we're taking them is likely to get pretty hairy, and I know you're the one who will get us to the other side.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
So, Thessia, huh? I guess the Asari are wishing they had fewer dancers and more commandos right about now. Too soon?

Commander Shepard - Male:
In case you haven't noticed, we just lost a few million people! This isn't the time!

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
You see this? Tiptree. Little colony out in the ass-end of nowhere. My dad lives there, so does my sister. Reapers rolled in about two weeks ago. So you can assume that I'm generally aware that there's a war on, Commander!

Commander Shepard - Male:
So why the jokes?

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Because EDI says that according to your armor's metabolic scans, you're under more stress now than during the Skyllian Blitz. Like more than Elysium, where it was pretty much you versus ten thousand Batarians trying to kill you! And the last time I had a briefing with Anderson, he told me to take care of you. The guy leading the resistance - on EARTH! - is worried about you! And I'm supposed to help!

Commander Shepard - Male:
I appreciate the thought, Joker. But I'm fine!

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
The hell you are! You're like half-robot at this point... no offense, EDI... and it's my fault! When the Collectors blew up the first Normandy, you died because I wouldn't leave, because you had to come back for me!

Commander Shepard - Male:
Couldn't leave the best pilot in the fleet behind, could I?

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Yeah, well... I guess that would've looked bad on your report.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Come on. We've got work to do.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Everytime we've talked about this before, you defended the genophage! Hell, I had to talk you into saving Maelon's data! How could you change your mind now?

Mordin Solus:
I MADE A MISTAKE!

[calms down, realizes what he just confessed]

Mordin Solus:
...I made a mistake.

Javik:
I heard about the events on Tuchanka. You should not have let the Turian soldier evade his responsibility.

Commander Shepard - Male:
I take it Protheans didn't forgive many mistakes?

Javik:
If he had been under my command, I would have marooned him in the desert, buried him in sand up to his neck, and let the wildlife feast on his eyes. If he had survived that, I would have rewarded him by shooting him in the head.

Javik:
Your "Joker" pilot insists I call myself "Prothy the Prothean." I insisted he allow me to throw him out the airlock.

[regarding traitors]

Javik:
In our cycle, we would remove their limbs one by one and offer them a choice: eat their own flesh or starve.

Garrus Vakarian:
It's a brilliant tactic when you think about it.

Ensign Copeland:
But it's evil!

Garrus Vakarian:
When has that ever mattered in war?

Ensign Copeland:
Yeah, but... converting other lifeforms into Reapers? I can't wrap my head around that.

Garrus Vakarian:
Makes sense to me. It ensures you never run out of cannon fodder. Eliminates any local resistance. And for every soldier you add, your enemy loses two: the one you converted, and his buddy on the other side who can't pull the trigger on a friend.

Ensign Copeland:
You sound like you admire them.

Garrus Vakarian:
Same way I admire a virus or a thresher maw. They've adapted perfectly to their situation.

Ensign Copeland:
But the Reapers want to destroy us!

Garrus Vakarian:
And I have no intention of letting them. But if you don't respect your enemy's capabilities, you're in for one nasty surprise after another.

Admiral Steven Hackett:
Never before have so many come together from all quarters of the galaxy. But never before have we faced an enemy such as this. The Reapers will show us no mercy; we must give them no quarter. They will terrorize our populations; we must stand fast in the face of that terror. They will advance until our last city falls, but we will not fall. We will prevail. Each of us will be defined by our actions in the coming battle. Stand fast. Stand strong. Stand together. Hackett out.

Garrus Vakarian:
Everybody was fighting the Rachni, trying to push them back through the relay. Finally the Krogan were turned loose and stopped them.

Javik:
I see.

Garrus Vakarian:
But when the Krogan rebelled, we had to deploy the genophage to stop them. Wasn't the only rebellion. A thousand years later, the Geth revolted against the Quarians. That was a whole other war. Then along came the humans. My own people tangled with them for a while. And now, to top it all off, we've got the Reapers. What about you?

Javik:
The Oravores fought the Densorin. The Enduromi conquered the Vandomar. And the Zha'til turned against the Zha.

Garrus Vakarian:
So... I guess nobody really ever gets their act together.

Javik:
The Synril claimed to have found the path to eternal peace.

Garrus Vakarian:
What happened?

Javik:
The Ditakur preferred war and wiped them out.

Garrus Vakarian:
I hope you guys had alcohol.

Urdnot Wrex:
When the rachni laid waste to the galaxy two-thousand years ago, when all seemed lost and the end was near, one word delivered the killer blow. One word drove the monsters back into the abyss, and one word delivered death to an enemy none dared fight. And that word was, "KROGAN"! And today, the krogan rise again. Today, we forge a new path and join the galaxy as allies in victory. Today, we win our future!

Urdnot Wrex:
I AM URDNOT WREX AND THIS IS MY PLANET!

Commander Shepard - Male:
This place seems hard pressed for supplies. I think I saw some guys fighting over a thermal clip.

Conrad Verner:
A what?

Commander Shepard - Male:
A thermal clip. They keep weapons from overheating. Sorry, it was a joke.

Conrad Verner:
Wait, where did these thermal clips come from? I thought weapons cooled down.

Commander Shepard - Male:
They used to. After the Geth attack a few years back, we switched to thermal clips.

Conrad Verner:
Well, that sounds like a major step backward.

Commander Shepard - Male:
It lets the gun fire with more power, and soldiers can pop in a new clip instead of waiting for the gun to cool.

Conrad Verner:
Fine, sure. You can still wait for the gun to cool on its own though, right?

Commander Shepard - Male:
Well, no. The in-gun cooling tech was sacrificed to make room for the thermal clips.

Conrad Verner:
Okay that's just... you might as well be going back to limited ammunition.

Commander Shepard - Male:
It's not ammunition, Conrad.

Conrad Verner:
I just don't think it's a very good idea.

Commander Shepard - Male:
I'll be sure to let every military organization in the galaxy know that.

Garrus Vakarian:
I am Garrus Vakarian and this is now my favourite spot on the Citadel.

Commander Shepard - Male:
I'll see you on the other side

Jack:
Don't get killed dumbass! When this is over... I'm getting laid...

Commander Shepard - Male:
I love you too.

Commander Shepard - Male:
The last guy who tried to trash talk me was a few kilometres taller than you!

Catalyst:
When fire burns, is it at war? Is it in conflict? Or is it simply doing what it was created to do? We are no different.

Urdnot Wrex:
[while fighting on the Normandy] Ha ha ha ha! I always wanted to do this!

Commander Shepard - Male:
You always wanted to have a firefight on the CiC of my ship?

Urdnot Wrex:
And it isn't even my *birthday*!

Jack:
All right, amp check! Prangley, those fields were weak! Cerberus isn't going to lie down out of pity like that girl you took to prom.

Commander Shepard - Male:
What're you up to now, Zaeed?

Zaeed Massani:
Next time another clone of yours tries stealing your life, we'll have a nice little surprise rigged for them. Isn't that right, Garrus?

Garrus Vakarian:
[Over Zaeed's radio] Spared no expense.

Zaeed Massani:
So, in walks your clone, takes a look around, sees this great hot tub and says to themself, "hey, I fancy a dip."

Garrus Vakarian:
Big mistake.

Zaeed Massani:
Huge. The minute they put so much as a toe in the water, a timer starts counting down.

Commander Shepard - Male:
To what?

Zaeed Massani:
Arma-f***ing-geddon. Thirty seconds later, this baby heats right up.

Commander Shepard - Male:
And then what?

Zaeed Massani:
You ever swim a few laps on the surface of the sun? No? Well, your clone will be. Heh-heh. That'll teach 'em.

Commander Shepard - Male:
But what if I want to use the hot tub?

Zaeed Massani:
Covered that. It's keyed to your DNA.

Commander Shepard - Male:
But a clone would have the same DNA as me.

Zaeed Massani:
Goddamned clone.

Jack:
[On being a teacher for biotic students] And apparently the students respond well to my teaching methods.

Ensign Prangley:
The psychotic biotic!

Ensign Rodriquez:
"I will destroy you!"

Jack:
Drink your juice, Rodriquez. You couldn't destroy wet tissue paper.

Jack:
You're a spoiled, rich girl cheerleader!

Miranda Lawson:
Victim!

Jack:
Test-tube clone princess!

Miranda Lawson:
I think it's past your bedtime.

Jack:
Ohh... Did I hit a nerve? I didn't get to read *your* psyche profile.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Ladies, I see we've all gotten enough to drink.

Jack:
Relax, Shepard. I'm not gonna smear the walls with her this time.

Miranda Lawson:
And I couldn't possibly think of something worse to do to her than *that* haircut.

Jack:
Hey, Cheerleader, my haircut and I've been fighting brutes and marauders on the frontlines of this war. Meanwhile, you got your big, bubbly, butt kicked by some guy with a *sword*!

Miranda Lawson:
You see, Shepard? Best of friends.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Honestly, I thought it might help if you two just kissed and got it over with.

Miranda Lawson:
What?

Commander Shepard - Male:
I mean, this is all just sexual tension, right? Two powerful biotics, forceful personalities, confident in their sexuality.

Jack:
...You're shitting me!

Miranda Lawson:
Oh, god.

Jack:
You're a horrible person, Shepard! I need another drink.

Miranda Lawson:
Get me one too. No ice.

[If Shepard is in a relationship with Liara]

Urdnot Wrex:
And Shepard - I like what you've done with the Normandy. Got tired of hanging around the cargo bay before. I still don't have a window like Liara does... but maybe that's because I don't kiss as well.

Urdnot Wrex:
Tuchanka may be a pile of radioactive rubble, but its *our* pile, and we'll fight to the last krogan to keep it that way?

Dr. Liara T'Soni:
That's what I always liked about you, Wrex.

Urdnot Wrex:
My smoldering good looks?

Mordin Solus:
Aware krogan females find scars attractive. Garrus loyal, reasonably intelligent. Bit aggressive. Almost like krogan.

Eve:
For the third time, Doctor, I'm not interested.

Mordin Solus:
[Talking to himself] Maybe with an inhibitor? No-no-no no, entire catalyzing process would fail. Severe neurological damage. Never mind.

Eve:
What are you talking about?

Mordin Solus:
Method to extract functional cure without killing you. Many variables. Your immune system compromised. Considering options.

Eve:
And you have to do that out loud?

Mordin Solus:
Yes. Auditory learner. Need to hear self think, simulate conversation to promote new ideas, maximize productivity.

Eve:
But you're talking about me dying.

Mordin Solus:
Oh. Apologies. Medical details causing emotional distress. Hadn't considered effect on patient.

Eve:
No, it just means I can't sleep.

Mordin Solus:
Doing my best to keep you alive. Will avoid... sensitive subjects. [to himself] No, that would... Hmm. Perhaps stimulate cell regeneration with... mmm... mm-hmm. Could... tsk, tsk, tsk... Ah, but... Should test... ffffffff-pa-pa-pa-pa...

Eve:
That's worse.

Commander Shepard - Female:
You planning to stick around when this is over?

Mordin Solus:
Until Reapers dealt with, at least. Then... not sure. Have made impact on galaxy. Genophage modification, Genophage cure, work against Collectors... Decisions, mistakes. Might go somewhere sunny. Sit on beach, look at ocean, collect seashells.

Commander Shepard - Female:
You'd go crazy inside an hour.

Mordin Solus:
Might run tests on the seashells.

Urdnot Wrex:
I prefer my salarian liver served raw!

[the salarian soldiers glare at Wrex]

Javik:
He is correct. It was a... delicacy in our cycle.

Urdnot Wrex:
I prefer my salarian liver served raw!

[the salarian soldiers glare at Wrex]

Garrus Vakarian:
I hear vorcha prefer it grilled.

Dr. Liara T'Soni:
Incredible. The beacon seems to think you're Prothean, Shepard. It must be the Cipher you got back on Feros years ago.

Javik:
Or it could be the Prothean standing next to you.

Lt. James Vega:
So... Prothean, huh?

Javik:
Yes.

Lt. James Vega:
You guys like to drink? Booze it up?

Javik:
No.

Lt. James Vega:
Okay. What about gambling? Play cards?

Javik:
Games of chance were punishable by death in the empire.

Lt. James Vega:
Oh, sure, sure. That seems... reasonable.

Javik:
Your asari continues to question me. I'm beginning to wish her kind had never learned to talk.

Javik:
This has been... amusing.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Oh?

Javik:
To discover that the most primitive races of my time now rule the galaxy. The asari, the humans, the turians...

Dr. Liara T'Soni:
There's also the salarians.

Javik:
The lizard people evolved?

Dr. Liara T'Soni:
I believe they're amphibian.

Javik:
They used to eat flies.

Padok Wiks:
How do krogan usually name their infants?

Eve:
Not very well. The males get drunk on sovak juice and have belching contests. Whatever happens to sound like a word becomes a name.

Jack:
Hey EDI, nice body. Now you look like a sexbot instead of a sex toy.

Javik:
I believe the Zaeed human is a Prothean in disguise. I like that one. He and I have discussed conquering the galaxy after the Reapers are gone. Though I do not understand why he is always "damning" his god.

Javik:
And one day, the Prothean empire will rise again! And all the primitives will kneel before Javik!

Javik:
I told Liara that Protheans invented electricity. Heh heh. Asari will believe anything.

Miranda Lawson:
Shepard. It's so good to finally see you.

Commander Shepard - Male:
You too, Miranda.

Miranda Lawson:
I couldn't get anywhere near you when the Alliance had you locked up.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Relieved of duty. It was complicated.

Miranda Lawson:
I'm sure it was. I'm surprised they didn't court martial you. The Alliance isn't known for its flexibility.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Doesn't matter now.

Miranda Lawson:
Shepard, about Earth...

Commander Shepard - Male:
Countless people lost their lives within minutes. The Reapers are everything we feared.

Miranda Lawson:
They should've listened to you a long time ago... I'm sorry, Shepard.

Commander Shepard - Male:
What about you? What brings you here?

Miranda Lawson:
I need to talk to a few people, like you. The Citadel was a good place to meet, for now. So, what's the Alliance's next move?

Commander Shepard - Male:
We have a plan. It's a long shot.

Miranda Lawson:
Not surprising... Shepard, am I still part of your plan? It's been so long, I wasn't sure where we stood.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Miranda... [Takes her hands into his] Things are never going to be easy for us, but I'll always want you in my life.

Miranda Lawson:
No second thoughts? This is your chance to back out.

Commander Shepard - Male:
None.

Miranda Lawson:
[Leans forward, kissing Shepard on the cheek] It was hard to be away from you. Surprised myself how... attached I got. I'm not good at attached.

Garrus Vakarian:
Good to have you back, Tali. Maybe with another dextro aboard, they'll get better turian food.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
As long as it's sterilized.

Garrus Vakarian:
Dr. Michel did get me some dextro-amino chocolate. You're welcome to it once we're back.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
She got you turian chocolate?

Garrus Vakarian:
She said she saw it and thought of me. Why?

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
[Coyly] Oh, nothing...

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
[Drunk at the bar on the Normandy; if she's in a relationship with Shepard] I'm having a drink with my boyfriend. My human boyfriend. Ha! My father would've hated you.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Hey, Commander, y'know I had my doubts about the Council, but after years of ignoring your warning, they're finally willing to step up and tell us they just can't help. Did they at least validate our parking?

Commander Shepard - Male:
How is this cure going to work?

Padok Wiks:
I'm hoping it will inspire a resurgence of krogan sex. I've always wondered how they mated.

Commander Shepard - Male:
...Not what I meant.

Padok Wiks:
No, but you were probably thinking it. And now's our chance. [to Eve] In the interest of science, how do Krogan mate?

Eve:
Very clumsily.

Javik:
You there. Tattooed human. I would like to touch you.

Jack:
I'm not nearly drunk enough for that.

Javik:
You then, shuttle pilot? How about you?

Lieutenant Steve Cortez:
Um... Why's Javik getting all touchy-feely?

Jack:
Hey, Collector-looking a**hole, maybe go touch yourself?

Javik:
That does not happen until the end of the party.

Commander Shepard - Male:
What are we having? A Canadian delicacy of some sort?

Kaidan Alenko:
Uh, sure. We have beef, we have bacon, we have beer. The foods of my people. Wish me luck.

Commander Shepard - Male:
If you need luck to cook us dinner, we're screwed.

Kaidan Alenko:
Screwed? You hurt me, Shepard. Relax. It's gonna be great.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Guess we'll find out. So remember how I saved the Citadel? And then - you weren't there - I survived a suicide mission? All these close calls I've had, only to be taken out by dinner.

[Kaiden glares at Shepard]

Commander Shepard - Male:
Can it be at least quick and painless?

Kaidan Alenko:
[about the dinner he cooked] That was great.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Still waiting for the botulism to kick in.

Kaidan Alenko:
Hey, I thought it was pretty good.

Commander Shepard - Male:
I'm messing with you, K. Can I call you K?

Kaidan Alenko:
No.

Commander Shepard - Male:
I didn't think so. See? Sensitive.

Kaidan Alenko:
Or... Maybe you're being an ass.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Major, did you just call your CO an ass?

Kaidan Alenko:
No, I called my friend an ass. Talk about sensitive.

[If Shepard romanced Ashley in Mass Effect 1 and Miranda in Mass Effect 2]

Commander Shepard - Male:
A lot has happened, Ash, but I'd like to work this out.

Ashley Williams:
I'm surprised.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Why?

Ashley Williams:
Miranda Lawson? Ring a bell?

Commander Shepard - Male:
What about her?

Ashley Williams:
I wear armor into battle, not swimwear. I'm a real person, Shepard. Flaws and all. Not sure if that's your thing anymore.

EDI:
It is good to know that Jack has thus far survived the Reaper invasion. I have amusing memories of her attempt to insert additions into my reports to the Illusive Man. Most of them centered around inappropriate uses of the word "cockpit."

Urdnot Wrex:
[over the intercom] I'll assume you didn't know about this. My good friend wouldn't hide the fact that his people planted a doomsday bomb on my planet, right?

Garrus Vakarian:
Wrex, I was just as much in the dark as you. Honest.

Urdnot Wrex:
[laughs] That's all I needed to hear. Just making you sweat, Garrus. Wasn't sure you could - you're always so calm.

Garrus Vakarian:
I'd be happy to give Krogan some lessons on relaxing.

Urdnot Wrex:
And we'd be happy to feed you to a thresher maw. Wrex out.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
I'm sorry about Mordin.

Commander Shepard - Male:
He was a good man.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Yeah, he was always running those tests. One time, he tagged me in the middle of the night to ask how many livers humans had. And this bump on my elbow? He said it was just mild bone deformation, but I'm pretty sure he stuck a probe in there.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Glad it was just your elbow.

Commander Shepard - Male:
What's going on, EDI?

EDI:
I am assisting Engineer Adams with his repair of the drive core shielding.

Commander Shepard - Male:
I should leave you to it, then.

EDI:
We can converse, if you like, Shepard. It is a routine proced - uh-oh.

Commander Shepard - Male:
What? What happened?

EDI:
Nothing. Unless you have strong feelings about gamma radiation.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Not funny, EDI.

EDI:
I almost had you. I will alter my humor chronometer appropriately for better timing.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
I'm not staying. I'm coming with you.

Commander Shepard - Male:
I wasn't going to ask.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Why not?

Commander Shepard - Male:
Because I respect you, damn it! You think I don't want you to come with me?

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
So ask me!

Commander Shepard - Male:
Tali...

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
I don't know how much time we have left. I don't know if we can beat the Reapers. But whatever happens, I want to be with you.

Commander Shepard - Male:
I bet you say that to every guy who gets you a homeworld.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Only the cute ones.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Geth don't use windows, remember? Structural weakness.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Oh yeah, I bet the Geth are all sitting around saying "The organics would *never* try the no-windows thing twice".

Garrus Vakarian:
So, Shepard, you can serve this swill but can you drink it?

Commander Shepard - Male:
Someone has to drive you all home.

Lieutenant Samantha Traynor:
Are we sure the Normandy is still there? Has anyone else tried to steal it?

Kasumi Goto:
[Uncloaks behind Traynor] Stealing the Normandy? Now there's an idea! [Cloaks again]

Lieutenant Samantha Traynor:
Wait, what? Who?

Commander Shepard - Male:
Traynor, you still have your toothbrush?

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
We can always *hic* get another Normandy. Call up *hic* Cerberus, and ask them to please build us the SR-3.

Samara:
But wouldn't that require you to change your name? Tali'Zorah von Normandy SR-3?

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
It's VAS Normandy. *hic* Von means "one who has a weak bladder." Which feels appropriate right about now.

Garrus Vakarian:
We've seen a lot of good times on the old girl.

Dr. Liara T'Soni:
That we have.

Samara:
Indeed.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Hear, hear.

Lieutenant Samantha Traynor:
Some of you more than others. I'm just honored to have squeaked in.

Commander Shepard - Male:
To the Normandy.

Urdnot Wrex:
Damn it, out of all of the Turians out there, I had to make friends with one who thinks he's funny.

Garrus Vakarian:
Well how do you think I feel? I'm supposed to hate you, but instead you warmed my heart with your winning personality.

Urdnot Wrex:
I could throw a few Salarians off a cliff if it'll make you feel better.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Hey, Jack, now that you're military, you gonna wear a uniform? Or are you just getting the officer's bars tattooed on?

Jack:
Screw you, f... flight lieutenant.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Uh... what the hell was that?

Kahlee Sanders:
Jack promised to watch her language in order to maintain the necessary professionalism we need from our teachers.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
What, does she have a swear jar or something? 'Cause I'll bet if we emptied that thing, we could afford another cruiser.

Jack:
Cover your ears, kids. Hey, Joker, f- [scene cuts away]

[Commander Shepard finds her hamster in a trash can with a note attached to the cage]

Commander Shepard - Female:
[reading the note] Please send this to an animal shelter for proper disposal as a warship is not an appropriate... [stops reading] Oh ho ho, that is *not* okay. She messed with my hamster, guys. *Now* its personal!

Commander Shepard clone - Female:
Now, if you'll excuse me, the Normandy needs its captain. So... I should go.

Maya Brooks - Citadel DLC:
Farewell, Commander. I guess this is where "legends" go to die.

Urdnot Wrex:
Refresh my memory: Didn't we used to win these things back in the old days?

Commander Shepard - Female:
She said, "I should go." Do I sound like that?

Urdnot Wrex:
As long as I've known you, yeah.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Shouldn't we be worrying about the impenetrable vault we've been sealed inside forever?

Commander Shepard - Female:
How come nobody told me this before? I'm open to feedback here.

Urdnot Wrex:
Well, I thought all humans said it, like some weird Earth custom or something.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Conrad, do you even have a wife?

Conrad Verner:
Oh yes! Yes, yes, yes... Well... no. But see...

Commander Shepard - Male:
Conrad, if you have some kind of weird shrine of me, I will be *very* unhappy.

Conrad Verner:
It's just a poster and a few candles. It's very tasteful.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Hey, Commander! Check out my new copilot!

Commander Shepard - Male:
So she installed herself into the new body without any help from you?

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Come on, Commander. Don't you trust me? Okay, let me put it this way: if I knew EDI was gonna install herself into a sexy robot body, do you honestly think I'd be able to keep quiet about it? [gesturing towards EDI] Look at that! I would've baked a cake!

EDI:
I am right here, Jeff.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau:
Yes you are, EDI. Yes you are.

Urdnot Wrex:
Okay Shepard, I raised the hammers. You have to activate both of them. My advice is avoid the giant laser.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
When I was a quarian on Pilgirmage, I used to walk by that sushi place and watch the fish through the window. I knew they would never let me inside, but I told myself, someday, when I've proven my worth to the galaxy, I'll go there for dinner... And then, you broke their floor.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Do they even serve food for you there?

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Not the point, Shepard!

Kaidan Alenko:
Hey, Shepard, I'm starving. What do you got?

Commander Shepard - Female:
We're heading out, Kaidan.

Kaidan Alenko:
We'll just end up back here anyway, am I right? [Kisses her] Trust me, let me impress you.

Commander Shepard - Female:
Oh no, really?

Kaidan Alenko:
Come on!

Commander Shepard - Female:
You want me to sit there and watch you cook?

Kaidan Alenko:
You're not watching me cook, you're helping me drink beer. Now sit your ass down.

Kaidan Alenko:
You like to cook, Shepard?

Commander Shepard - Female:
Roommate on Arcturus taught me. He said eating cafeteria crap 24-7 was bad for morale.

Kaidan Alenko:
Is there anything you're bad at?

Commander Shepard - Female:
Where did you learn to cook?

Kaidan Alenko:
Classes at Jump Zero, believe it or not. Young biotics who can't cook for themselves risk starving.

Commander Shepard - Female:
Did you pass? You're burning the garlic.

Kaidan Alenko:
Sorry. I guess I'm distracted.

Commander Shepard - Female:
By?

Kaidan Alenko:
I wonder...

Commander Shepard - Male:
Tali's our expert on Geth hardware. She'll be handling hacking and security.

Lt. James Vega:
Nice to meet you, Sparks.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Sparks?

Lt. James Vega:
Yeah, you've got lights in your... uh... and you're kind of small and jumpy.

[Awkward silence]

Lt. James Vega:
It just came out.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
If you say so.

Urdnot Wrex:
Ever since we cured the genophage, it's been nothing but work.

Commander Shepard - Female:
Council been riding you?

Urdnot Wrex:
Bah! Not those pyjak sh*t-slingers. No, it's the... it's the females, Shepard. Now that they're fertile again... Ugh, I haven't slept in... I don't know how long.

Bartender:
Can I get you two anything?

Urdnot Wrex:
Two more drinks, and another bag of ice.

Commander Shepard - Female:
I would've thought you'd be enjoying the... perks of krogan fertility.

Urdnot Wrex:
Enjoying it? There's a line of females outside my dwelling right now! Stretches on as far as you can see. I had to sneak out my own bathroom window!

Urdnot Wrex:
Now we can get back to doing what krogan do best - saving everyone else from giant monsters.

Garrus Vakarian:
Never going to let us forget about the Rachni Wars, are you?

Urdnot Wrex:
Last time I was at the Citadel, I didn't see a turian statue in your honor.

Urdnot Grunt:
The Prothean here wants to know who would win in a fight between me and Wrex.

Zaeed Massani:
You gotta admit Shepard, it's a good question.

Commander Shepard - Male:
It *is* a good question.

Urdnot Wrex:
No, it isn't. Baby pyjak here wouldn't stand a chance.

Urdnot Grunt:
Don't listen to this old fossil. The only thing he could defeat is a glass of warm milk.

Urdnot Wrex:
Ha! I got head lice bigger than you, Junior.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
I remember first meeting Shepard. All I kept thinking was, "I hope he took a shower, because my filter needs replacing, and humans carry a lot of germs."

Dr. Liara T'Soni:
I'm guessing that's not what you think anymore.

Lieutenant Samantha Traynor:
Well, she may still picture him in the shower.

Commander Shepard - Male:
[Meeting Miranda at the roulette table in the casino] Miranda.

Miranda Lawson:
You clean up well, Shepard. [Enters a bet at the table] Thought we could enjoy an evening out.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Sounds like you have some time to catch your breath.

Miranda Lawson:
I do, just... not used to it. Feeling a bit lost. It's kind of sad, really. I got to thinking we needed a break. No point in saving the galaxy if we can't enjoy it once in a while.

Commander Shepard - Male:
I have to say, I'm a bit surprised.

Miranda Lawson:
I thought you might be. I can be... severe.

Commander Shepard - Male:
You're focused. Believe me, I understand.

Miranda Lawson:
I was thinking about our talk earlier. About having a normal life... [the roulette wheel presents its number. Miranda loses] Damn, I'm not very good at this. Truth is, Shepard, I'm not very good at being normal, either. Bit of a disaster, really.

Commander Shepard - Male:
I get it. We just need a little practice.

Miranda Lawson:
Any ideas?

Commander Shepard - Male:
Oh, I've got some ideas. [Stands behind Miranda, putting his arms around her] Miranda, you're here, you're beautiful, and I have you to myself. So tonight, I'm just going to be a regular guy taking his best girl out on the town.

Miranda Lawson:
No space heroes or super-spies?

Commander Shepard - Male:
Nope. Just bright lights, a few games, and some very foolish choices. Agreed?

Miranda Lawson:
[Lightly giggles] Agreed. I'm going to need more wine.

Commander Shepard - Male:
[to a passing waiter] Get this woman more wine.

Miranda Lawson:
You're pretty sexy when you're pushy.

Kasumi Goto:
[Shepard hears Kasumi in his closet] And the "boxers or briefs" question is finally answered. [Shepard walks in] Oh, hey, Shep.

Commander Shepard - Male:
You're going through my drawers?

Kasumi Goto:
[Uncloaks] I go through everyone's drawers.

Commander Shepard - Male:
Can't you just mingle and have fun, like a normal person?

Kasumi Goto:
Why would I want to do that? By the way, you have excellent taste in underwear.

Commander Shepard - Male:
[sighs] Glad you could make it, Kasumi.

Kasumi Goto:
Thanks. I'm having a really good time.

Commander Shepard - Male:
By your very strange standards.

Kasumi Goto:
[Cloaks] Yup. [as Shepard walks out] Well, at least they're clean.

Javik:
In my cycle, this many species together was called a slave auction- I mean, a "Welcome-to-the-empire party".

Javik:
Commander, in my cycle when we fled combat by falling through tanks containing aquatic animals, we usually... Oh. Right. We never did. [laughing] You are a trailblazer.

Miranda Lawson:
Aw, they shut down my favorite sushi place.

Commander Shepard - Male:
That's... a shame.

Miranda Lawson:
Shepard, you didn't...

Commander Shepard - Male:
I did. Fell right through the fish tank.

Miranda Lawson:
How did you do that?

Commander Shepard - Male:
It... exploded.

[Miranda shakes her head in disbelief]

Commander Shepard - Male:
It was the clone's plan, not mine!

Miranda Lawson:
Blowing up a fish tank shouldn't be part of anyone's plan. Although, executing marine life seems to be some sort of hobby with you. No wonder your clone couldn't resist.

Urdnot Wrex:
All right, everyone. Uncle Urdnot is back in town, and he brought the boom!

Commander Shepard - Male:
Is that a catch phrase or something, Wrex?

Urdnot Wrex:
Thought I'd try it out, see what you think!

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Try again!

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
67: holmium. Very reactive, very magnetic!

Garrus Vakarian:
You know, turian parties don't usually end with someone reciting the elements.

Lieutenant Samantha Traynor:
68: erbium. Atomic weight: 167 and change!

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Right, my turn. 69...

Jack:
In your dreams!

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
What? I don't get it.

Lieutenant Samantha Traynor:
I'll explain later.

Garrus Vakarian:
It's thulium in case anyone cared. Turians have trace amounts of it in our skin. Protects us from solar radiation.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
Nerrrrrrrrd!

Garrus Vakarian:
So is this the Traynor-Shepard love nest? I hope we aren't interrupting anything you two might have been... planning.

Lieutenant Samantha Traynor:
Oh, we don't plan that kind of thing. We're all about spontaneity, losing ourselves in the... uh. Right, we were just playing chess.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
So, "checkmate" takes on a new meeting, I guess?

Urdnot Wrex:
[Seeing Elijah Khan's dead body] Hm. You got me dressed up like this and someone else got to do the shooting. Wrex not happy.

Lt. James Vega:
[Seeing Elijah Khan's dead body] I guess he's gonna have to retire for health reasons.

Javik:
[Seeing Elijah Khan's dead body] He has a bigger hole than your council's defense plan.

Urdnot Wrex:
Hell of a party! Almost as good as krogan do it. Doesn't count unless the host dies at the end.

Urdnot Wrex:
You been practising with that shotgun? Still remember the fast-reloading trick I showed you?

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
You know, I've taken care of myself for the past few years.

Urdnot Wrex:
I know. I'm old and I worry, even though my favorite quarian's all grown up and killing Reapers.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy:
You're like the crazy head-butting uncle I never had.

Urdnot Wrex:
I appreciate the assist, Garrus.

Garrus Vakarian:
Figured you'd gone soft sitting on your throne. Forgot how to hold a gun.

Javik:
He wouldn't be king then, would he?

Urdnot Wrex:
Who's that?

Commander Shepard - Male:
He's a prothean.

Urdnot Wrex:
Sometimes I'm not sure if the Normandy's a war ship or a travelling freak show.

Shepard:
“Do it.”

Garrus:
[Cut to a shot of Garrus throwing a soda bottle into the air. A gunshot is heard, but the bottle remains intact and falls into the reservoir below, as Shepard intended]

“I’m Garrus Vakarian and this is now my favorite spot on the Citadel!”

Shepard:
“It’s windy up here!”

Garrus:
“Think I’m going to erect a monument right here, bronze this gun so the whole galaxy knows!”

Shepard:
“That you’re the king of the bottle-shooters. Glad you’re around, Garrus. Never know when the bottles might revolt.”

Garrus:
[Chuckles amicably]