Matilda the Musical

Mr. Wormwood:
I can't believe that! Talking to me like that. How dare they! [turns to Matilda] I'm getting fined because of you!

Matilda Wormwood:
It's not my fault! You forgot to send me to school.

Mr. Wormwood:
Yeah, well you're going to school now, and you're gonna meet The Trunchbull.

Matilda Wormwood:
The Trunchbull?

Mr. Wormwood:
Agatha Trunchbull. Headmistress of Crunchem Hall.

Agatha Trunchbull:
[draws out the handheld speaker part of her microphone] Amanda Thripp. [Matilda and the children stare at Amanda, who looks frightened by the Trunchbull's presence]

Amanda Thripp:
[stammers nervously] Y-Y-Yes, Miss Trunchbull?

Agatha Trunchbull:
What have I said about pigtails? I hate pigtails.

Amanda Thripp:
But my mummy loves them. She thinks they make me look pretty!

Agatha Trunchbull:
Well, your mother is a TWIT! [pulls Amanda's pigtails and spins Amanda in a circle before launching Amanda above the fence like a hammer throw]

Matilda Wormwood:
Do you want to hear about my first day at school?

Mrs. Wormwood:
Yuck. I'd rather eat vegetables.

Mr. Wormwood:
It's official, I'm a genius! My losing streak is over. This fella comes into the lot. Huge he was. Great big bear of a man. And this bear of a man wants a luxury car.

Mrs. Wormwood:
Oh, lovely. But do bears drive?

Mr. Wormwood:
No. He's not a real bear.

Matilda Wormwood:
Do you have a luxury car?

Mr. Wormwood:
I've got two, boy.

Matilda Wormwood:
I'm a girl.

Mr. Wormwood:
One with a smashed-in front, and one with a smashed-in back. All I gotta do is cut them in half, glue them together and Bob's your chipmunk. Daddy's back.

Matilda Wormwood:
But isn't that illegal? And sort of, well, wrong? [Mrs. Wormwood gasps]

Mr. Wormwood:
What'd he say? Wrong? Wrong? [snatches the library book out of Matilda's hand] Give me that. The Grapes of...Idiot! How can grapes be angry? Hey? What utter junk!

Matilda Wormwood:
It's not about grapes.

Mr. Wormwood:
Back-yakking! The little madam!

Matilda Wormwood:
I'm not back-yakking!

Mr. Wormwood:
Don't you back-yak me! I'll rip this book up in front of you.

Matilda Wormwood:
No, it's a library book!

Mrs. Wormwood:
Go on, do it. Go on.

Mr. Wormwood:
[tears the pages of the library book] There! There! Now get to bed, you little bookworm.

Jennifer Honey:
This isn't teaching. This is cruelty!

Agatha Trunchbull:
Cruelty? Well, yes. Of course.

Lavender Brown:
[slips her pet newt Isaac in the water pitcher] Go on, boy.

Agatha Trunchbull:
You did say it was going to be fun.

Jennifer Honey:
But this isn't fun!

Agatha Trunchbull:
Miss Honey, you are pathetic. You are weak. [pours the water from the pitcher in the cup] You are wet. You are, in fact... [takes a slurp out of the cup] ...a snivelling, little... [sees Isaac in the cup she drank from] ...newt. [screams in horror at the discovery of Isaac's presence in the water cup]

Jennifer Honey:
It’s over. This is my school now. Run.

Agatha Truchbull:
(YELLS, SHOUTS AND SCREAMS AT ONCE)

Matilda Wormwood:
[seeing the Trunchbull stretching Eric's ears] Leave him alone, you stupid horrible bully!

Matilda Wormwood:
Escapologist, escapologist

Agatha Trunchbull:
Go and see if that child is still alive.

Agatha Trunchbull:
This school... is full of rebels.

Agatha Trunchbull:
[panicking and screaming as Lavender's pet newt, Isaac, wriggles down her back] Oh, God, the newt! It's in my... IT'S IN MY KNICKERS!!! IT'S IN MY KNICKEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

Agatha Trunchbull:
[last words] Let me down! Let me down! LET ME DOWN!