Maude

Maude Findlay:
When he says wife, he means possession.

Walter Findlay:
So what, Maude? You told me a hundred times you want to be possessed.

Maude Findlay:
Walter Findlay, I never said that standing up and you know it.

Maude Findlay:
Florida, if we wanted Geraldine we'd get Flip Wilson.

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
No offense Maudie, but I wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole.

Maude Findlay:
No offense Arthur, but that's the only way you'd EVER touch me.

Maude Findlay:
Walter, if you don't want my daughter and my only grandchild living here with us just tell me.

Walter Findlay:
And...?

Maude Findlay:
And I'll rip your heart out.

Maude Findlay:
Francie, this is Florida. My dear, dear friend, probably the best friend I have in the whole world.

Florida Evans:
I'm the maid.

Walter Findlay:
People communicate only when they are being themselves. One does not get through to someone by being something other than what one is.

Maude Findlay:
That's a lovely speech, Walter, very lovely. Remind me when we have time, to record it on tape so I can accidentally erase it.

Florida Evans:
[on Maude's new facelift] You may be looking at a brand new face, but you'll still be hearing the same old mouth.

Walter Findlay:
I finally got him to stop.

Maude Findlay:
Gently, I hope.

Walter Findlay:
Of course. I told him to shut the hell up.

Salesman:
I'm hoping to get accepted in one of the big eastern universities.

Maude Findlay:
Well before you think about college, you should learn to read. That sign says 'No Solicitors'.

Vivian Harmon:
[after Walter has a heart attack, he pretends that he is feeble so Maude will feel sorry for him. He attempts to do some knitting] Arthur, what about S-E-X?"

Maude Findlay:
SEX? Vivian, he can hardly K-N-I-T.

Walter Findlay:
Maude. Sit.

Maude Findlay:
If you don't get back at all, we'll understand.

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
I know that, Maudie, that's why i'm coming back if it kills me.

Maude Findlay:
On those terms, I'll accept.

Maude Findlay:
[Answering the phone] Hello? No, this is not Mr. Findlay. This is Mrs. Findlay. Mr. Findlay has a mustache.

Maude Findlay:
[referring to Carol's ample bosom] To think I bought you your first training bra. Look how you've broken training.

Maude Findlay:
[Maude catches Walter with another woman] Walter, you son of a b*tch.

Maude Findlay:
[to Walter] You know your red tie makes you look like Dan Rather... Of course, your paisley tie makes you look like Morley Safer. I think it's safer to look like Rather - unless you'd rather look like Safer.

Walter Findlay:
[arguing with Maude because she agrees the housekeeper should keep her maiden name after she's married] Well, if you feel that way, why didn't you keep your maiden name when we got married?

Maude Findlay:
Because by the time we got married I couldn't remember it!

Maude Findlay:
[Holding up her high school cheerleading sweater, which has an "M" on the front] I can remember when the "M" covered my whole chest.

Walter Findlay:
Now, you have enough room to spell out "MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY".

[repeated line]

Maude Findlay:
God'll get you for that, Walter.

Maude Findlay:
[at a party where they all dress as their favorite year] Mrs. Naugatuck, what was your favorite year?

Mrs. Nell Naugatuck:
Well, I don't know what my favorite year is, but I can tell you my least favorite. 1492.

Maude Findlay:
1492? Why 1492?

Mrs. Nell Naugatuck:
Because if Columbus hadn't discovered this flipping country, I wouldn't be working here tonight!

Walter Findlay:
[after giving Walter an uncooked chicken after an argument] That chicken is frozen.

Maude Findlay:
You think that's frozen, wait and see what you get in bed tonight.

Whitnauer Fulton:
Raindrops keep falling on my head.

Florida Evans:
If you come anywhere near me,you'll have more than raindrops falling on your head.

Gerald Plummer:
Rain drops keep falling on my head.

Florida Evans:
If you come anywhere near me,you'll have more than raindrops falling on your head.

Florida Evans:
If men knew what women know about men, men wouldn't have nothing to do with themselves.

Whitnauer Fulton:
sings Raindrops keep falling on my head.

Florida Evans:
If you come anywhere near me,you'll have more than raindrops falling on your head.

Henry Evans:
I'm coming back at 9:00, and I mean 9:00 WPT. [he leaves]

Maude Findlay:
Florida, what's "WPT"?

Florida Evans:
White People Time. If he didn't mean 9:00 sharp he would have said CPT. That's Colored People Time. Which means 'shuffle on in when you feel like it'.

Maude Findlay:
Of all the male chauvinist pigs. I mean, he's something straight out of the dark ages. Nothing racial intended.

Florida Evans:
[to her husband, Henry] Now, you hurt because of your pride, and I love you for that. But I also resent you for not being just as proud of me as I am of you.

Henry Evans:
I am proud of you Florida, its just that I don't want you to be a maid no more.

Florida Evans:
Them two don't go together Henry. Your mother was a maid. That's how your brothers got through school and you got to be a fireman. My grandmother was a maid, that's how my daddy got a little schoolin'. There are a lot of women, Henry, on both sides of my family, who worked all their lives in white kitchens so their kids could get some of the things they should have. You want to be proud of something Henry? You be proud of them, because they was all black women and I tell you there ain't never been a better woman than that.

Maude Findlay:
[sighing] Look, don't you ever say anything?

Psychiatrist:
[Mildly] Ah ha.

Maude Findlay:
That's what I get for fifty dollars a session, ah ha? If I give you sixty will you bark?

Psychiatrist:
[Taking out a cigarette]

Maude Findlay:
Another cig- do you know that's the third cigarette you've had since I've been here? My father used to smoke just like that. He had the same two ugly yellow fingers you have.

Maude Findlay:
[about Walter] Last night he was sitting on the edge of the bed, clipping his toe nails. I was over at my dressing table, pouring a cup of tea. Suddenly I hear a clip. Doctor, what do you think the odds are against a toe nail clipping flying across the room, ricocheting off a mirror, landing on a nose and dropping into a tea cup?

Maude Findlay:
[about her mother] In my entire life we only had one argument. It started when I was four and I'll let you know when it's over.

Maude Findlay:
[about why she stopped kissing her father goodnight] I remember thinking to myself, okay, if he could throw me over for Singin' Sam, the Barbosal man, I'll show him. [Breaking down] So I started sneaking up the kitchen stairs without kissing him goodnight, thinking "That'll show him!" and waiting for him to ask where was his goodnight kiss... and he never asked, because he never knew I stopped. [She begins crying even more] .

Maude Findlay:
You know the road ahead is starting to look a lot shorter than the road behind and I can't take it, because I love this life. I... love this life, I LOVE IT!

Maude Findlay:
[Grabbing a tissue] Oh boy, aren't we having fun!

Maude Findlay:
[to her doctor] What are you writing now? [Looking at his writing pad] You're not even writing, you're doodling! SURE, that's what my life is, one big doodle! [Reconsidering] Oh, why the hell did I say that. I'm not in the habit of putting myself down. I let other people do... why the hell did I say that? People do not put me down, at least not to my fa... God doctor [Her voice begins to tremble] I'm beginning to sound absolutely paranoid!

Maude Findlay:
[while discussing not having the ideal coat for her prom] Just as my date and I were walking up the high school steps, there was my father. He was out of breath and sweating and he was holding this coat with the Persian lamb collar. He had gone to the furrior's home and- and pleaded with them to open the store so that he could buy that coat, and then he broke every traffic law in the books so that he could get there in time to give me this coat, with the Persian lamb collar so that I could wear it to the prom. [Breaking into tears] Oh, how could I have forgotten a thing like that? I mean what a sweet, thoughtful, loving thing to do! You know, deep down, I never said this out loud to anyone, not even myself but I think deep down I loved my father. Oh, how I loved him.

Maude Findlay:
[In extreme tears] Oh God, oh God, how I loved my father! And I never told him either!

Maude Findlay:
[Recalling the truth about her father] I know why I stopped kissing him goodnight. I loved him so much I was frightened that he would reject me.

Maude Findlay:
[In tears] I look for love and then I reject it before it has the chance to reject me! Sure! That's why I can't take chances. That's why I try to be so tough. That's why my humor is so caustic. That's why I met you for the first time today and I don't care if you like me, I don't care at all!

Maude Findlay:
I'm not afraid of growing old. I'm afraid of growing old alone.

Maude Findlay:
Doctor, I am fifty years old and nobody loves me. NOBODY loves me! I don't care whether that's true of not, that's the way I feel!

Maude Findlay:
[Preparing to leave] Don't worry about me doctor, I'm going to be alright. Just give me a couple of days and I'll have it all together, all of it. Oh and uh, in case you're wondering doctor, I won't be seeing you again. Goodbye.

Maude Findlay:
[Just as she's about to walk out the door] [laughing hysterically] The craziest thought just crossed my mind. I was wondering if I were to walk over to your desk and you know, kiss you goodbye, just a little peck on the cheek [Pausing briefly] I was wondering if you'd kiss me back. [Tearing up again] See you Friday?

Maude Findlay:
The thing that we have to get straight right off the bat is that in this household we are all on a first name basis. I mean, even my daughter calls me Maude. Now what's your first name?

Florida Evans:
Florida.

Maude Findlay:
Florida. Oh, you were named after the state.

Florida Evans:
No, I was named after my aunt.

Maude Findlay:
Oh, and she was named after the state?

Florida Evans:
No, she was named after her mother.

Maude Findlay:
Oh, her mother...

Florida Evans:
Was named after an orange. [laughter] You see, they was picking them down there and she went into labor right in the orange grove; had the baby ten minutes later. They was either gonna call her Florida or Sunkist. Now you know the whole story.

Maude Findlay:
Fascinating. Fascinating. I mean, the things that come out of your culture are so, so rich, so juicy.

Florida Evans:
Mmm, mmm. I got one about an apple I'll tell you sometime.

Florida Evans:
[During Florida's interview for the maid job] Now, the first week'll be on a trial basis.

Maude Findlay:
Oh, Florida, don't be ridiculous, you're not on trial.

Florida Evans:
I know - you are.

Maude Findlay:
I want you to consider this your home.

Florida Evans:
I got a home.

Maude Findlay:
You can say that again.

Maude Findlay:
[drunk] You really want to know? "Who is Mrs. Dubonay?" You ask? Well I have a better question, Arthur Harmon, who is you? Who is any of us?

[breaking into song]

Maude Findlay:
"Whooooooooooo is Syyyyylvia..."

Maude Findlay:
Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Dubonay is a visitor from a far-off land. She is a proud native of a newly emerging black nation.

Florida Evans:
Yeah, Harlem.

Walter Findlay:
Maude's as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers.

Carol Traynor:
That doesn't sound like you, Walter.

Walter Findlay:
I heard that on Hee Haw.

Maude Findlay:
I'm as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers. Don't look at me, I heard it on The Dean Martin Show.

Carol Traynor:
She's as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers. What? I just thought it was my turn.

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
That's a good joke. I heard it on Sonny and Cher.

Maude Findlay:
How can I have a party for a black guest of honor and not have one single black guest?

Carol Traynor:
Maybe you should've invited two black couples, Maude.

Walter Findlay:
That's right, Maude, you should always have a back-up black.

Maude Findlay:
[Skyward] Please, if you really do exist, get him soon.

Carol Traynor:
[Defending her mother] Oh, I am ashamed of you. How dare you suspect the motives of a decent woman like my mother just because your minds are in the gutter. And to make matters worse, she would never think evil of any of you. And do you know why? "She has too much honor to ever conceive of dishonor in someone she loves."

Vivian Cavender Harmon:
Robert Browning?

Carol Traynor:
Rhett Butler.

Vivian Cavender Harmon:
Oh, I love him.

Walter Findlay:
[Maude gave in to Walter and decided to drop out of the election she was running in] Come on, Arthur, a little drink to celebrate. I won!

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
Won? Won what? Happiness through blackmail? You know, you're like a baby throwing a temper tantrum. Everybody has to give in to Walter Findlay because he's an alcoholic. I don't like you very much right now, Walter.

Carol Traynor:
[Carol is trying to convince Maude to have an abortion] Mother, I don't understand your hesitancy. When they made it a law you were for it.

Maude Findlay:
Of course! I wasn't pregnant then!

[Maude enters the house and slams the front door]

Vivian Cavender:
[Cheerfully] Hi Maude!

[Maude shoots Vivian a fierce glare]

Carol Traynor:
Mother, it's past 8 O'Clock.

Maude Findlay:
Carol, I'm proud of you. Only 27 years old and already you tell time.

Maude Findlay:
[after Maude has been hitting herself, yelling and grimacing] [Carol and Vivian ask what's wrong] Will you two stop hounding me! If there was something wrong don't you think you'd see it in my behavior?

Maude Findlay:
[Afraid to admit she's pregnant] Don't look at me Viv.

[Vivian turns away from Maude]

Maude Findlay:
Vivian. [Long pause] I'm pregnant.

Vivian Cavender:
You're kidding. [Maude remains silent] Aren't you? You're pulling my leg. Maude. [Maude is still silent] Maude? Maude, please pull my leg.

Carol Traynor:
Look, there's only one sensible way out of this. You don't have to have the baby.

Maude Findlay:
Oh? What'll I do... trade it in for a volleyball on Let's Make a Deal?

Vivian Cavender:
Maude, you haven't told Walter yet, have you?

[Maude shakes her head]

Vivian Cavender:
You think he'll be pleased?

Maude Findlay:
Well, let me put it this way Vivian. You know how pleased I am. Walter will be twice as pleased.

Vivian Cavender:
Maude. One thing I don't understand about all this. Weren't you using the pill?

Maude Findlay:
No. It gives me migraines.

Carol Traynor:
What did you do, mother... cross your fingers?

Carol Traynor:
[to Arthur] Look, the way things are going, if even older people like my mother and Walter start behaving like rabbits, well we're all gonna end up living like sardines!

Maude Findlay:
Beautifully put, Carol. I mean it's not every mother that gets to be called a rabbit.

Maude Findlay:
[Preparing to admit she's pregnant] Come into the kitchen, Walter.

Walter Findlay:
What's the matter? Did you wreck the car again?

Maude Findlay:
Did you hear that everybody? DID YOU HEAR THAT? Not Maude are you sick or Maude are you unhappy or even Maude are you pregnant. No, Maude did you wreck the car again.

Walter Findlay:
Alright, you're right darling. You're absolutely right and I'm sorry. [Sitting down] So tell me sweetheart, are you sick?

Maude Findlay:
No.

Walter Findlay:
Are you unhappy?

Maude Findlay:
No.

Walter Findlay:
Are you pregnant?

Maude Findlay:
[Deadpan] Yes.

[Kisses Walter on the head]

Walter Findlay:
[after finding out Maude's pregnant] Maude, we've seen enough movies together. This is the place in the movie where we say we're kidding. You were kidding, right?

Maude Findlay:
[Shaking her head] We're not kidding, Walter. The rabbit died.

Walter Findlay:
I know how he feels!

Carol Traynor:
[to Maude] You're just scared.

Maude Findlay:
I am NOT scared!

Carol Traynor:
[Referring to the abortion process] You are, and it's as simple as going to the dentist.

Maude Findlay:
NOW I'm scared!

Carol Traynor:
[Discussing abortion] Mother, listen to me. It's a simple operation now, but when you were growing up it was illegal and it was dangerous and it was sinister, and you've never gotten over that. Now you tell me that's not true.

Maude Findlay:
It's not true. And you're right. I've never gotten over it.

Maude Findlay:
[Maude hasn't revealed her secret yet] Vivian, you leave me alone at a time like this and I'll rip your heart out.

Carol Traynor:
[Maude is scribbling on a piece of paper] Mother, what are you doing?

Maude Findlay:
I'm just figuring how many yards of tubing it'll take from the exhaust pipe to the rear window on a '69 Corvair.

Walter Findlay:
Maude, did you wreck the car again?

Maude Findlay:
Did you hear that, everybody? DID YOU HEAR THAT? Not "Maude, are you sick?" Or "Maude, are you unhappy?" Or even, "Maude, are you pregnant?" No, "Maude, did you wreck the car again?"

Walter Findlay:
You're right, darling. You're absolutely right. I'm sorry. So tell me, are you sick?

Maude Findlay:
No.

Walter Findlay:
Are you unhappy?

Maude Findlay:
No.

Walter Findlay:
Are you pregnant?

Maude Findlay:
Yes.

Maude Findlay:
I keep forgetting. Is black coffee good or bad for a woman in my condition?

Carol Traynor:
Well, it keeps you awake.

Maude Findlay:
Bad. That's what GOT me in this condition.

Carol Traynor:
Mother, you don't have to have the baby. I told you before there's no reason to feel guilty and there's certainly no reason to be afraid.

[Maude doesn't reply]

Carol Traynor:
[Frustrated] You're like talking to a stone wall!

Maude Findlay:
A PREGNANT stone wall!

Maude Findlay:
[to Carol, about Walter] Last night, in his sleep, he said Maude, I want to have this baby.

Carol Traynor:
[With a sigh of relief] Well why didn't you tell me that before?

Maude Findlay:
Because it's not true. Look, Carol, I just want to get you OFF MY BACK!

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
Just between you and me Walter, I don't know why Maude wants to have the baby at all. At her age you know there are certain risks.

Walter Findlay:
Well don't underestimate the maternal instinct, Arthur. Besides, she might also be fighting the idea of abortion on moral grounds.

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
And you don't want to interfere?

Walter Findlay:
I think I interfered enough already!

Walter Findlay:
[Referring to a vasectomy] Tell me something. What's it like after...

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
After the snip, snip?

Walter Findlay:
[Cringing] After the snip, snip.

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
Nothing, except you can't make babies. That's all.

Walter Findlay:
And that's it?

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
That's it.

Walter Findlay:
I don't change into a Soprano, do I?

Maude Findlay:
Listen honey, would you like a pickle?

Walter Findlay:
No, thanks.

Maude Findlay:
They probably go better with pregnancies than with vasectomies.

Walter Findlay:
[to Maude] Sweetheart, would it disappoint you too much to learn that becoming a father was never one of my life's ambitions? I- I don't know why. For years I used to feel guilty about it. For years people told me I was nuts or too selfish. How can I not love kids? Well I do love kids, but they don't have to be mine. That's probably the worst confession I'll ever make. Do ya hate me?

Walter Findlay:
Maude. I think it would be wrong to have a child at our age.

Maude Findlay:
[Tearing up] Oh, so do I Walter. [Hugging him] Oh, so do I.

Maude Findlay:
Just tell me Walter that I'm doing the right thing not having the baby.

Walter Findlay:
For you Maude. For me. In the privacy of our own lives. You're doing the right thing.

Vivian Cavender:
If I were any more excited I'd have to wrap myself in a box of Pampers.

Francie Potter:
Hey, Fat Mama, whatcha gonna do wit' my bags?

Florida Evans:
You call me 'fat mama' again and I'll show you what I'm gonna do with them.

Maude Findlay:
Well, well, well, you two are having a real old fashioned bull session?

Florida Evans:
Yeah, a lotta bull but not much session.

Maude Findlay:
[about stuffed dog] How do you like our little puppy? It's been in the family for years.

Francie Potter:
Then you should take the price tag off.

Maude Findlay:
Let me guess, you're...

Francie Potter:
Little Black Riding Hood.

Maude Findlay:
And here is the pi?ce de r?sistance: a poster of Isaac Hayes. They say that John Denver is very big now too, but unfortunately he's white.

Florida Evans:
Oh, poor devil.

Francie Potter:
[On the phone] Hello, Mama? Sure I'm here. What you think I'm calling for? Mama, you said to call when I got here. I got here, I'm calling. Goodbye.

[Hangs up]

Francie Potter:
Damn.

Maude Findlay:
Francie, I hope you're hungry. We're having fried chicken for dinner.

Francie Potter:
Good, I win a buck.

Maude Findlay:
You win a buck?

Francie Potter:
I bet that dumb brother of mine that you'd have fried chicken for me the first thing off.

Maude Findlay:
Ha ha ha. I love a person with a sense of humor. Excuse me. Carol, for Heaven's sake, go into the kitchen and throw out the grits.

Maude Findlay:
As far as I'm concerned, you can freeze your butt off till it turns blue.

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
I hear when a mob moves into a neighborhood it becomes very safe. You see people walking the streets all hours.

Maude Findlay:
Of course they're walking, they're terrified of starting their cars!

Mrs. Nell Naugatuck:
What's all the fuss about? Just because a man's homosexual? We think quite highly of them in England. Our government's full of them. The only we're positive isn't a queen is the Queen!

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
[Looking at Maude's black eye] If the "Our Gang" comedies ever come back, you could be the dog.

Maude Findlay:
And if Mister Ed ever comes back, there'd be a part for you. I'm not talking about the part that talks.

Vivian Cavender Harmon:
[revealing her gift to Maude] This is the New York Times Maude, from the day you were born.

Maude Findlay:
[pushing the paper away] Oh, isn't that nice.

Vivian Cavender Harmon:
Look, look at it. Here, look. [reading some of the details] Calvin Coolidge was president.

Maude Findlay:
[laughing uncomfortably] Calvin Coolidge.

Vivian Cavender Harmon:
Rudyard Kipling has written new book!

Maude Findlay:
[becoming irritated] NEW book!

Vivian Cavender Harmon:
Sirloin steak, twelve cents a pound! You know that this is over HALF A CENTURY old! I mean this is an antique! Look at it. It's all yellow and cracked...

Maude Findlay:
[snapping] VIVIAN!

Walter Findlay:
Maude, will you just stay out of this? Just face the facts. They're not going to get married because Mrs. Naugatuck is being too unreasonable.

Maude Findlay:
Mrs. Naugatuck is being unreasonable?

Walter Findlay:
Sure, she won't change her name.

Maude Findlay:
Walter, any woman with a sense of independence, with an ounce of pride would want to keep her maiden name.

Maude Findlay:
Then whey didn't you keep your maiden name when we got married?

Maude Findlay:
By that time I couldn't remember it!

Carol Traynor:
[offering a tray of hors d'oeuvres to Aunt Polly] Polly? Want a cracker?

Vivian Cavender Harmon:
[in character as a little girl with a drink in her hand] My name is Vivian and I'm only five years old.

Mrs. Nell Naugatuck:
Then you shouldn't be drinking!

Maude Findlay:
Walter, if you lay one hand on that kid then all your friends will be dressed in black and driving with their lights on.

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
My first wife Agnes would never have gone out and left the house the way you did.

Vivian Cavender Harmon:
No, the only way Agnes could get out of the house was to DIE!

Vivian Cavender Harmon:
No Arthur, not A cow, COW.

Maude Findlay:
COW, Congress Of Women, COW.

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
Well I must say, it's named appropriately.

Maude Findlay:
I know Arthur, we formed COW to get equal rights from its male counterpart... [Deadpan] Bull.

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
[to Maude] What's this great romance you have going on with Marijuana?

Maude Findlay:
Look Arthur, I smoke as much grass as you do... none.

Carol Tranior:
Arthur, you've got some nerve, condemning Harold Collins when you're standing here dispensing drugs as if they're going out of style, and on top of it, you're hung over from drinking.

Maude Findlay:
Listen darling, I'm so sorry I'm so edgy, but i'm exhausted. I was so nervous about this morning that I didn't sleep a wink last night.

Walter Findlay:
Well why didn't you take something, like a couple of Seconals?

Maude Findlay:
We're out of Seconals, but I did take two Chloral Hydrates and a Librium and they didn't work.

Walter Findlay:
Well I took two Miltown and a Doriden and I slept like a lamb.

Maude Findlay:
...and snored like a moose. No, I should've taken two Meprobromates with a Nembutal instead of the two Chloral Hydrates with the Librium.

Carol Traynor:
[Mrs. Naugatuck is cleaning the house while singing] Listen to her. She's the perfect housekeeper. Sings like a bird and works like a horse.

Walter Findlay:
Which is quite an improvement over your mother who works like a bird and sings like a horse.

Maude Findlay:
[Screaming from upstairs] GOD'LL GET YOU FOR THAT WALTER!

Walter Findlay:
And has ears like a rabbit.

Walter Findlay:
[Enters the kitchen, where Maude and Mrs. Naugatuck are arguing] Maude, SIT!

Maude Findlay:
[Maude obeys and sits like a dog]

Mrs. Nell Naugatuck:
[Mrs. Naugatuck continues to shout]

Walter Findlay:
Mrs. Naugatuck, SIT!

Mrs. Nell Naugatuck:
[She obeys and sits like a dog]

Mrs. Nell Naugatuck:
[upon entering Maude's home for the first time] You really should fix them steps.I nearly broke me bloody bum.

Mrs. Nell Naugatuck:
You really should fix them steps.I nearly broke me bloody bum.

Maude Findlay:
[Victoria is trying to assure Maude of her credentials for the job of maid to Maude, who is resisting in spite of the fact that she has just placed a request with a local agency specifically for black candidates for the job] I mean, we have all these people coming over from the agency...

Walter Findlay:
- No, we don't, the agency called: they're out of blacks - ever since 'Roots'. But they're running a special on Filipinos.

Walter Findlay:
I am sick and tired of your attitude Maude.You wanna wear the pants in this family?Be my guest. [pulls his pants down]

Maude Findlay:
Walter if you're stupid enough to stand there with your pants down,let me tell you one thing.Our guests have arrived.

Florida Evans:
[to guests] I think I owe you all an apology.If I had known that the husband of the year was gonna take his pants down,I would done a better job by ironing his shorts.

Walter Findlay:
I am sick and tired of your attitude Maude.You wanna wear the pants in this family,be my guest.

Maude Findlay:
Walter if you're stupid enough to stand there with your pants down,let me tell you one thing.Our guests have arrived.

Florida Evans:
I think I owe you all an apology.If I had known the husband of the year was gonna take his pants down,I would have done a better job by pressing his shorts.

Walter Findlay:
I am sick and tired of your attitude Maude.You wanna wear the pants in this family,be my guest. pulls his pants down

Maude Findlay:
Walter if you're stupid enough to stand there with your pants down,let me tell you one thing.Our guests have arrived.

Florida Evans:
to guests I think I owe you all an apology.If I had known the husband of the year was gonna take his pants down,I would have done a better job of pressing his shorts.

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
[Vivian gives a deceased woman back a brooch Arthur took from her] How could Vivian do such a thing?

Maude Findlay:
Don't worry, Arthur. Hattie will give it back to Agnes. She's bound to run into her down there.

Vivian Harmon:
I've never actually seen a body that wasn't alive before.

Maude Findlay:
Vivian, what are you talking about? You've been married to Arthur for three years.

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
Where is Hattie being laid out?

Maude Findlay:
MacDonald's.

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
MacDonald's?

Maude Findlay:
Arthur, it's a funeral home on Main Street. Next to the Burger King.

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
I'll meet you all there later. I think it's nice that Hattie is at MacDonald's. She deserves a break today.

Maude Findlay:
[At a funeral] I am not having a good time here.

Maude Findlay:
[Walter admits that he faked being ill] Oh, Walter, I'm the happiest woman in the world! [She gets up, hugs him and says through clenched teeth] You son... of... a... b*tch!

Maude Findlay:
Honey, you're not going to believe this. But Walter got drunk last night and hit me. Isn't that marvelous?