Max & Paddy's Road to Nowhere

Paddy:
It's called personal hygiene, Max. You should try it sometime.

Max:
What's that supposed to mean?

Paddy:
In a nutshell: You stink.

'Charlie' [on the porn DVD Charlie's Anals]:
Good morning Anals!

The three 'Anals' in unison:
Good morning Charlie! [Zip-undoing sound effect]

Paddy:
[after going for a slash] I needed that - my teeth were under water.

Paddy:
Paddy has needs!

[repeated line]

Max:
How Dare You!

[repeated line]

Max:
Thatcher's Britain.

Max:
[after being arrested for hijacking a school bus] This is clearly a case of mistaken identity.

Paddy:
You what? Forty kids on a coach, what did we think it were, a stag party?

Wolf-ster:
You're not Patrick O'Shea?

Max:
You know him?

Wolf-ster:
Everyone knew Spazzy Paddy. Where's your calipers and your brace?

Paddy:
Long time ago that.

Wolf-ster:
He was worth more for scrap. You don't remember me do you? My sister you to babysit him. He were a right dirty little sod.

Max:
Oh I?

Wolf-ster:
We had to rush him to hospital one night, he'd only stuck Okay Wan Benobi up his arsehole, he was always at it...

Max:
Obi Wan Kenobi...

Wolf-ster:
Bootshakka...

Max:
Chewbacca...

Wolf-ster:
C3-D2...

Max:
PO...

Wolf-ster:
Star Trek mad he was.

Max:
Star wars Wolf-Ster, Star Wars.

Paddy:
Like I say long time ago that Wolfie.

Paddy:
[in a Children's TV Presenter tone of voice] Now then kiddies, we're going to play a nice game called "Who's Your Dad And What's His Name". [a Child throws a ball hitting Paddy in head] Do that again and I'll rip bleeding arms out!

Max:
[trying to talk to school kids] Yo this is Maxster MC, listen up Posse. Can I get a Re-E-Wind. [to Paddy] I'm getting down with kids.

Max:
[over Bus PA System] Do we have a Daniel Wolfsten on board a.k.a. The Wolfster?

Child on Bus:
No he's not here!

Max:
You what?

Child on Bus:
He catches the other bus.

Paddy:
You what?

Max:
There's another bus! Oh no you Mo-Fo that's Proper-Whack that.

Max:
[trying to talk to school kids] Yo this is the Maxster MC, listen up Posse. Can I get a Re-E-Wind. [to Paddy] I'm getting down with kids.

Paddy:
Chuck us some water flower.

Max:
[hands Paddy a bottle of water] It wouldn't hurt you to show some manners after all they are free.

Paddy:
[studying Bottle] Hang on what's this? Bottled in the mountains of Afganistan? I bet Osama's had a bath in this. Why do you keep buying all this cheap rubbish like 4p Beans and Al Queda water?

Paddy:
[approaches dancers] Alright love? Here's 10p go and phone yer mum, tell her you won't be home tonight.

Dancing Girl 1:
I've got a mobile, d*ckhead!

Paddy:
[Paddy moves onto next group] Ladies think of a number between one and ten.

Dancing Girl 2:
Eight.

Paddy:
You lose, now take your tops off!

Dancing Girl 2:
F*** off!

Paddy:
[approaches another girl] Hey there, can you catch love?

Dancing Girl 3:
Why?

Paddy:
Because there is a couple of balls coming your way. [Girl holds up a mechanical claw hand] Dave is that you mate? [Paddy quickly moves off]

Paddy:
I don't understand it, those lines are tried and tested.

Max:
You mean they're tired and tested more like it. Woman in this day an age don't want that. Woman today like a bit of romance, like a bit of sensitivity.

Paddy:
Where'd you learn that?

Max:
Watching Trisha.

Max:
You have no respect for women do you?

Paddy:
No. Do you know why? Because they only want you for one thing, Everything!

Max:
[remembering an old girlfriend] I almost threw her out for being Under age...

Paddy:
Under age? How old was she you dirty dog?

Max:
No, she was old enough it was just that she was, she was a kind of midget.

Paddy:
Ain't that a Queen song?

Max:
No you clown...

Paddy:
You mean she was a dwarf?

Max:
No she wasn't a dwarf, she was a midget.

Paddy:
There's no difference...

Max:
There is actually! Mr Politically Incorrect. Dwarfs for your information are in the circus and do cartwheels. Midgets are like normal people just shrunk down.

Paddy:
Well you live and learn.

Max:
She was a kind of midget

Paddy:
Isn't that a Queen song?

Paddy:
[Max and Paddy are in prison] Look, you've got get me out of here. I can't take anymore more of that Millennium Prayer.

Max:
I've already made a start, check the door. I did this last night when everyone was asleep. [Lifts a poster on wall to reveal three scratch marks]

Paddy:
What is that?

Max:
Escape Tunnel. [Paddy starts crying] Whoa, Whoa, Whoa come on man, get a grip you're coming apart.

Paddy:
Where you tunneling to? The next cell?

Max:
[Max exits cell and sees the mistake he's made] Oh sh*t!

Cliff Richard:
Hi, Guys. Do you fancy a game of tennis? Mixed Doubles?

Paddy:
I've told you, we've no balls Cliff.

Cliff Richard:
That's okay you can play with mine. See you down there.

Max:
Bloody Hell! What's he in for?

Paddy:
Have you never heard 'Wired for Sound'?

Paddy:
[after hitting a fellow inmate in the face with a dinner tray] Play with feathers, you get your arse tickled!

Max:
I'm going to get in touch with Tina. She knows we're innocent, she knows the truth.

Paddy:
Well you'd better do it quick. Its all right for you, you know. A good looking lad like me is a valuable commodity in here you know.

Max:
Its all right I've seen a pay phone and... What do mean its all right for me?

Paddy:
When Paddy steps in those showers, them lads will think its Christmas morning. They'll ride me like a Blackpool Donkey.

Max:
Well what we've got to do, is make them lot think that me and you are a couple of hard nuts. Let them think we're a couple of big time gangsters. Come on chest out, chin up! We're doing a bit of bird as per! Me and you, Tango and Cash, Magnet and Steel! What do you say?

Paddy:
I'm going to get bummed.

Bouncer:
Empty your pockets please, sir [Max empties pockets onto desk] Afro comb!

Max:
[turns to Paddy] You never know! You never know!

Bouncer:
Pound-coin holder! Empty! One key attached to one keyring [reads from keyring] "I've stroked a beaver at Drayton Manor"! Have you now? [Max nods] sign here please!

Max:
[signs document] What do i do now?

Bouncer:
just through there please, sir [Max leaves making Paddy first in line] Name?

Paddy:
Patrick O'Shay!

Bouncer:
Empty your pockets please, sir [Paddy empties pockets onto desk] one pornographic magazine, the Finger Club! One pack of condoms, ripped for the lady's pleasure. Flavour: Biscuit.

Brian Potter:
Here, I've got a cake here for you, Holy Mary made this.

Max:
A Cake!

Brian Potter:
Yeah, you know, a cake?

Max:
I know what a cake is, what do we want a cake for?

Paddy:
No, he means a cake. I know what you mean, you mean a "Cake", don't you?

Brian Potter:
Yeah, that's right a "Cake". [Brian winks]

Max:
Oh a "Cake", you mean a "Cake". What's in this "Cake"? [Max getting excited]

Brian Potter:
Sponge and a bit of Jam. What do you want son? It's real life, this, not the frigging Shawshank Redemption. If you hadn't stolen a bus filled with kiddies, you wouldn't be in this mess!

Paddy:
Middlewood! Middle... wood! Were in the middle of a wood!

Max:
[after being caught by a speed camera] Can ya not blame it on the music?

Paddy:
No, I don't think that'll hold up in court, Max, reasons for speeding - Status Quo.

Tony:
eh, Max - I Bet She goes up on ya dosent she?

Max:
[headbuts tony] Too Far Tony!