Meet the Fockers

Jack Byrnes:
Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truly important. Do you know what that is?

Greg Focker:
Love, friendship... just love, I think.

Jack Byrnes:
His legacy.

Greg Focker:
That, too.

Jack Byrnes:
If your family's circle joins in my family's circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain.

Jack Byrnes:
I'm not so sure this wedding is such a good idea. I don't like what I'm seeing from these Fockers.

Roz Focker:
Your cat can flush?

Bernie Focker:
Can you believe I fathered him with just one testicle?

Pam Byrnes:
No! After next month, I am going to be Pamela Martha Focker. I... I know how that sounds but I don't care!

Greg Focker:
You meet some of the... eh... some of the cousins?

Jack Byrnes:
I met some, yes. I met some... Dom?

Greg Focker:
Yeah, Dom Focker, that's my dad's... uh... first cousin. You meet his kids, Randy and Orny?

Bernie Focker:
If its yellow let it mellow, if its brown flush it down... Opps, looks like I forgot my own rule

Jack Byrnes:
Bernie, get out from under the car or I will run you over!

Bernie Focker:
This is capoeira, man. This is some hardcore sh*t.

Local Cop:
He's got a rubber boobie!

Little Jack:
Ass-'ole

Isabel:
He is a handsome little Focker!

Jack Byrnes:
He's not a Focker.

Bernie Focker:
Hello, you've reached the Fockers. We're not around, so leave us a message. Goodbye. Roz, how the hell do you shut this thing off?

Roz Focker:
I have no idea. Just press a button.

Bernie Focker:
All right, I'm pretty sure it's off. Honey, you want a chimichanga?

Roz Focker:
I thought they give you gas.

Bernie Focker:
A little bit, but it's worth it.

Roz Focker:
Yeah, worth it for you, but I'm the one that gets the fumes.

Bernie Focker:
Honey, I'm in the mood for a chimichanga!

Roz Focker:
So make a chimichang ...

Roz Focker:
I'm wondering why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest!

Bernie Focker:
You weren't around in the '60's! This is how we got things done!

Greg Focker:
Look, Little Jack was crying so I picked him up and gave him some hugs. Then I went into the kitchen to answer the phone and when I came back, he had let himself out of the playpen, put on Scarface and glued his hands to the rum bottle. Ok?

Dina Byrnes:
Sweetheart, do we really have to hurry like this?

Jack Byrnes:
Oh, yes. We have to pull a little covert operation here. The bandleader says we've got approximately 23 minutes until it's time to cut the cake.

Bernie Focker:
You fockerized them!

Roz Focker:
Yeah!

Bernie Focker:
I'm gonna fockerize you!

Roz Focker:
Yeah, and now it's up to 50 Fockers.

Jack Byrnes:
50 Fockers. What could be better?

Greg Focker:
Mom, I'm truly not comfortable having this conversation with you. I've been telling you that since I was eleven.

Roz Focker:
Tell me, what's going on with that man of yours?

Dina Byrnes:
Well, Jack's always been a little wound up. His job is very stressful.

Roz Focker:
Being a florist is stressful?

Dina Byrnes:
There's more to it than people think.

Roz Focker:
How's your sex life?

Dina Byrnes:
I can't tell you that!

Roz Focker:
I'm a professional. Dina, I'm a sex therapist specializing in senior sexuality.

Dina Byrnes:
I knew those weren't yoga mats!

Roz Focker:
No.

Dina Byrnes:
Well, we're not twenty five... anymore.

Roz Focker:
But you're not dead either! Lots of couples our age lack intimacy...

Dina Byrnes:
I didn't say we weren't intimate, there are special occasions. Anniversaries and... well, on our anniversary.

Roz Focker:
Oy, neesh geete!

Dina Byrnes:
What?

Roz Focker:
Not good!

Greg Focker:
Focker, out.

Jack Byrnes:
I'm down here... under the bed.

Greg Focker:
What's the sign for sour milk, 'cause this tastes a little... funky.

Jack Byrnes:
That's because that's from Debbie's left breast, Greg.

Judge Ira:
Bingo, bango, bongo!

Jack Byrnes:
[After Bernie wrecks Jack's toilet to save his dog Moses] So much for the protection of our rolling safe house.

Dina Byrnes:
Oh, honey, he was trying to save his pet. I mean, what if it was Jinxy who got flushed into a toilet?

Jack Byrnes:
Mr. Jinx has had extensive aquatic training. He would have known exactly what to do in the event of a submersion.

[Mr. Jinx purrs]

Jack Byrnes:
[After Greg fails to understand L.J.] That's not the sign for poop, that's the sign for milk! This is the sign for poop! [Does "poop" gesture]

Greg:
Well, what's the sign for sour milk, because this, uh, tastes a little funky.

Jack Byrnes:
That's because that's from Debbie's left breast, Greg.

[Greg spits it out. L.J. giggles.]

Jack Byrnes:
I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.

Greg Focker:
It was Barry Poppins.

Jack Byrnes:
What kind of a sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?

Roz Focker:
Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.

Jack Byrnes:
It was your idea?

Roz Focker:
Yes.

Jack Byrnes:
What is wrong with you people?!

Bernie Focker:
You people?

Dina Byrnes:
I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.

Jack Byrnes:
Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?

Greg Focker:
Jack, he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?

Jack Byrnes:
He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his development.

Roz Focker:
The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.

Greg Focker:
Mom...

Jack Byrnes:
What are you saying?

Roz Focker:
I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here. And I've got news for you, Jack,. Prodigies don't eat their own boogers.

Jack Byrnes:
And I have news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.

Pam Byrnes:
Okay, Dad. That's my fiancee.

Jack Byrnes:
I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.

Roz Focker:
Why? Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.

Jack Byrnes:
The Little Jack in me? [Greg is getting extremely frustrated]

Roz Focker:
Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed?

Greg Focker:
Mom, stop.

Bernie Focker:
Key question!

Roz Focker:
My guess is no.

Jack Byrnes:
Would you spare my the drugstore psychology?

Greg Focker:
[everyone starts arguing] Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP! Okay?! [the arguing stops] Jack, I'm not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying, so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone a second, I came back in, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.

Greg Focker:
[high on Truth Serum, giving a speech] Hello everybody. I am, uh, about to set sail on my ship... on the sea of life with my first mate - the beautiful Pamela Byrnes.

Pam Byrnes:
Love you, baby! (blows kiss)

Greg Focker:
[drunkenly blows back kiss, pauses] I still masturbate to Pam. What? She's hot - check out those b*obs. I just wanna lather 'em up with soap and... [blabbers incoherently] rub my face in 'em. I could take a vacation in there. What? Gosh, sorry for you being perfect! And there's another wonderful lady in the audience, my future mother-in-law Dina Byrnes! Dina-Dina-Bo-Bina-I-love-Dina! Byrnes! You know they say you can tell from looking at the mother what your wife will look like in the future - well, I'ma looking, and I'm-a LIKIN... [sees Jorge] In my first... passionate sexual awakening, I made sweet, sweet love to my housekeeper, Isabel.

Pam Byrnes:
Come on, honey, that was in the past, so sit down.

Greg Focker:
No, no, no, baby - I gotta get this off my chest.

Pam Byrnes:
Please... sit.

Greg Focker:
We conceived a child. And his name is Jorge Villalobos. Come on up here, Jorge. This is the fruit of my loins. Come on! Search your feelings, Jorge. You know it to be true. Yo soy tu papa! Yeah, I know, a lot of information to take in. Give that boy a hand. [everyone applauds] Oh, and Jack? PAM'S PREGNANT. [Pam gasps in horror] Focker... out. [falls backward, passing out]

Dina Byrnes:
Oh, stuff your muskrat, Jack! He shot Greg with truth serum before his speech.

Greg Focker:
What?!

Dina Byrnes:
[holds up the truth serum vial] I found this in his pocket.

Pam Byrnes:
[annoyed] Here we go again, Dad.

Dina Byrnes:
He did the same thing to Pam's junior prom date!

Greg Focker:
[suddenly remembering what happened] Wait a minute. Yes. Yes! Wait a minute! You stuck a needle in my neck!

Roz Focker:
You drugged my son?!

Jack Byrnes:
I had no choice. He refuses to tell the truth.

Roz Focker:
[defensively] Because he's terrified and thinks he has to impress you. He's had us trying to impress you, but in my opinion, Jack, I think it's you, who should be trying to impress us!

Jack Byrnes:
Now, I've never met your parents, so I'm not going to jump to any hasty conclusions. But, like studying a frozen caveman, if I can see where you came from, I'll have a much better idea of where you're going.

Jack Byrnes:
I said "No monkey business"!!

Jack Byrnes:
We have to get out of this place. It is EVIL.

Greg Focker:
[into Jack's spy-camera, during end credits] Hey, look at me, Jack. What am I? [gruff voice] I am a frozen caveman! Study me, Jack! Learn how strange the Focker genetic code is! We are weird mutants who hug and kiss! We show emotion! [growls] Jack must learn from us, and chip away with his hammer of truth! Wooga-booga!