Mock the Week

[what Tony Blair thinks]

Al Murray:
[impersonating a Dalek] You will obey! Exterminate!

Frankie Boyle:
I would have loved to have a gay dad. Do you remember at school, there were always kids saying "My dad's bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!" "So what? My dad will shag your dad. And your dad will enjoy it."

Frankie Boyle:
Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

[repeated line]

Hugh Dennis:
The band was Showaddywaddy!

Sue Perkins:
[Unlikely things to hear at the Oscars] They said we couldn't make 'The Sally Gunnel Story' but here we are.

David Mitchell:
[Unlikely things to hear at the Oscars] And the winner is... Ross Kemp!

Frankie Boyle:
Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!

Frankie Boyle:
[If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] How long is a Scottish winter?

Team Captain:
[If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] On average, how long does the NHS take to give pregnant women a bed in maternity?

Hugh Dennis:
[If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] How long does it take Abu Hamza to tie his shoelace?

Frankie Boyle:
[If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] What is Stephen Hawking's personal best for the London marathon?

Hugh Dennis:
[the panel are asked what to do about bird flu. Hugh is a Tory MP; Rory is the Duke of Edinburgh] Well, personally I think we ought to do away with all birds, including swans.

Team Captain:
They belong to my wife, you bastard!

Hugh Dennis:
Oh, yeah. I've shagged your wife, as well.

Team Captain:
You lucky devil! I haven't had sex with her for nearly sixty years!

Hugh Dennis:
[In scenes we'd like to see: what a television announcer is unlikely to say] If you've been affected by the issues raised in Balamory...

Frankie Boyle:
[In scenes we'd like to see: what a television announcer is unlikely to say] The following episode of Songs of Praise contains strong language and scenes of a sexual nature.

Hugh Dennis:
Tired of a messy toolbox? Then you need the Abu Hamza multi-tool!

Presenter:
[In the out-takes show. The people in his earpiece keep telling him to get on with the show] They're even shouting at this bit! 'Stop doing that bit where you mock us for shouting in your ear'!

Hugh Dennis:
Itchy skin, dry flaking scalp? You disgust me!

Frankie Boyle:
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

Team Captain:
[Rory is Tony Blair giving a speech; Hugh is translating] As Prime Minister, it is my duty to protect the people of this nation.

Hugh Dennis:
Whoops!

Team Captain:
Many nights I've lain awake, gazing into the abyss...

Hugh Dennis:
I wish Cherie would sleep with her mouth closed.

Team Captain:
I know that a lot of people have been wondering when I'm going to retire...

Hugh Dennis:
I know Gordon has been wondering when I'm going to retire...

Team Captain:
I'm sure that one day, Gordon will make a great leader...

Hugh Dennis:
...of the Opposition...

Team Captain:
But I'm not a king-maker. There will be a proper procedure for deciding the leader who follows me.

Hugh Dennis:
Whomsoever pulls the sword from the stone! He shall be the one!

Hugh Dennis:
Viewers of a nervous disposition may be interested to know that your television is off and I am speaking to you from inside your head...

John Oliver:
[Unlikely things to be said in programme indents] You're watching ITV1... Why are you doing that? I've got the listings here and... we've got nothing!

Hugh Dennis:
[Unlikely things to be said in programme indents] You may be interested to know that I'm completely naked and playing with myself.

Team Captain:
[Unlikely things for a news reporter to say; as Trevor MacDonald] Welcome to ITV News... ON ICE!

Hugh Dennis:
[Unlikely things to be said during a programme indent] If you were affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's episode of Balamory...

Team Captain:
[Celebrity Dating Videos; as Nelson Mandela] Ah! Hello! I'm an ex-politician and human rights activist. And I'm looking for a strong African woman. I'm over eighty, I look like a pint of Guinness, but wait till you see Nelson's Column!

[repeated line]

Hugh Dennis:
Are you paying too much for your car insurance?

Hugh Dennis:
I'll stop David Dickinson even if it kills me.

Hugh Dennis:
I must be back by sunrise.

Hugh Dennis:
Not even I know what he's saying.

Rory Bremner:
[about global warming]... Which means it's great for us Scottish because we can sit back and watch the English drown... sitting there saying things like, "More pineapple, Frankie?"

Rory Bremner:
Hello

Hugh Dennis:
Goodbye

Dara O'Briain:
[about global warning and the rising sea levels]... But what is certain, Holland's f***ed.

Hugh Dennis:
[ways not to start a party political broadcast] [has his back turned and is fiddling with his trousers] I'll just be with you in a moment

[ways not to start a party political broadcast]

Jo Brand:
For the next three and a half hours...

[ways not to start a party political broadcast]

Hugh Dennis:
My fellow paedophiles...

Rory Bremner:
[what Tony Blair thinks] Cherie will you please shut the [bleep] up

Rory Bremner:
[what Tony Blair thinks] Keep smiling, kill Gordon Brown Keep smiling, kill Gordon Brown

Al Murray:
[during Ask The Politician segment]

[as the voice of the silent majority]

Al Murray:
[when asked law they would bring in to make Britain a better place] Well, I think it's time for the decent, honest, hard-working, law-abiding, tax-paying, normal, sensible, reasonable, down-to-earth, hard-working, normal, law-abiding, down-to-earth, sensible, reasonable people, hard-working, law-abiding, tax-paying, fleeced, decent, honest, hard-working, law-abiding, NORMAL, decent, reasonable, sensible, law-abiding, normal, hard-working people of this country who don't want to pay their speeding fines regardless of how fast we may have been going the wrong way up the slip road on a phone, no seatbelt, no tax, no MOT, no insurance whilst eating a burger and receiving aural sex on the telephone - haven't you got anything better to do, officer? - it's time for us... to SPEAK! And... bring back hanging, obviously.

David Mitchell:
This week, once again, A-levels and GTSC's have been called into question, and I don't understand why because we've got a brilliant education policy in this country, which is to make the exams easier and easier every year, so that we can all pretend that we're getting cleverer and cleverer, and the only thing that suffers is... well, civilisation. And who gives a sh*t about that? Because, as it is, we can look forward to a Britain where we're all just 60-million grinning half-wits, all of us wearing PhD gowns, sitting around with our tongues hanging out going "Me clever, you clever."

Frankie Boyle:
[the answer is "Over 31,000 tonnes"] I am building a conceptual sculpture called "Scottish football" I will need a pair of football boots and how much horse****?

Hugh Dennis:
[the answer is "Over 31,000 tonnes"] How much weight has Charlotte Church put on in pregnancy?

Andy Parsons:
[bad things to say when leading troops into battle] Hello, I'm George Bush!

Dara:
[During the discussion about Adam's artifical foot] I like the way you kept calm, as we basically said [shouts] show us the weird thing!

Hugh:
[Bad things to say when leading troops into battle] General Churchill will be leading us on this one - isn't that roght [as the Churchill insurance dog] Oh, yes!

Adam:
[Bad things to say when leading troops into battle] Right men [Clutches artifical foot] Ah! pins and needles!

Russell Howard:
The way I like getting the news is Radio 5 Live, it's fantastic, 'cos it's just news and nutters isn't it. They'll read out like "that was the Pope's view on abortion" and then "Hello! Felicity Puddleduck here, livid and ill-informed! I'd just like to say that those harlots should give birth to their children aged 2; that child should do national service, I'm off to bake a cake!" You're sat there listening and then the next nutter comes on: "Dave here! Are you out of your mind? Cloning?! Think it through! Two versions of me, one'll go out and commit a crime! Who gets blamed for it? Me! I'm doing a twenty stretch, he's banging my wife! Where's the justice?!" You're sat there listening to these nutters and then the most ridiculous story comes on: "A man in Bristol has found the face of Jesus on a crisp" and suddenly, "I couldn't believe, I opened up my frazzles, there he was!"

Himself - Host:
The subject is Drinking.

Frankie Boyle:
[taking the mic from the stand] As a teetotal alcoholic this should be good!

Jimmy Tingle:
[as a pilot with a gun, talking over his shoulder to a passenger] Don't make me go back there. Don't make me go back there! [to 'Co-pilot'] Here, take the wheel. [making gun gesture] Put that lap tray *UP*!

Jimmy Tingle:
[on Russia claiming the North Pole] Who do they think they are, the British?

[Scenes we'd like to see - Things that change the atmosphere at a dinner party]

Frankie Boyle:
Help yourself to nibbles - he was our favorite hamster, but it's what he would have wanted!

[Scenes we'd like to see - Things that change the atmosphere at a dinner party]

Ed Byrne:
Long story short, after about 2 hours, you didn't know what was poo and what was chocolate!

Ed Byrne:
[Scenes we'd like to see - Things that change the atmosphere at a dinner party] Are you sure this is pork? - only my crackling has a tattoo!

Frankie Boyle:
[Scenes we'd like to see - Things that change the atmosphere at a dinner party] There is a vegetarian option. You can f*** off.

Frankie Boyle:
[pointing to picture of Gordon Brown sitting at a machine gun and wearing a flak jacket] It's the only time I've seen him with a genuine smile!

Frankie:
[discussing Gordon Brown's stance on Iran] He said he would ruin their economy - probably by becoming their Chancellor!

Russell:
[If this is the answer, what is the question - Wine, Cheese and Rubbish] Name 3 vital ingredients for a mouse orgy!

Frankie:
[Scenes we'd like to see - Unlikely thing to read in a comic] To the Bat-Caravan!

Hugh:
[Scenes we'd like to see - Unlikely letters to an agony aunt] I've been saving up for a sex change. I don't care what my wife says - she's going to have one!

Frankie Boyle:
[during a discussion on drug cheats in athletics] Do you think I'd be here if I had Kangaroo legs? I'd be on Strictly Come Dancing!

Himself - Host:
[on email] Hotmail is a bad one - you get to Hot and there's a whole world of pain right there!

Andy Parsons:
[on congested trains being safer because the congestion provides a cushioning effect] How can you justify something that's only good in a crash?

Greg Davies:
[If this is the answer, what is the question - Wine, Cheese and Rubbish] What are my ex-girlfriend's pet names for my genitals and penis?

Frankie Boyle:
[Headliners - B.O.T.E] Brown orders Tango Enema?

Russell Howard:
Gordon Brown walks into a room, and all you see is a dog vomiting!

Frankie Boyle:
McCain is just too old - do you really want a person who could die in a mild winter?

Mark Watson:
If it was a real mini bar, you'd have tiny people being sick outside!

Frankie Boyle:
[on a replacement for Carol Vordeman on Countdown] I'd like to see the person picking the numbers dressed up as Death!

Andy Parsons:
[discussing the Countdown production crew] I'm sure they'd like to be unionised, as it's a nine letter word!