Monsters vs Aliens

Mama Dietl:
One thumb's shorter than the other. It runs in the family.

Susan:
Derek doesn't have that--

Mama Dietl:
Ah, it skips a generation. But your kids are gonna have it! [laughs maniacally]

Dr. Cockroach:
[about B.O.B.] Forgive him, but as you can see, he has no brain.

B.O.B.:
Turns out, you don't need one! Totally overrated! As a matter of fact, I don't even have to... [starts gasping for air] I forgot how to breathe! Help me, Dr. Cockroach!

Dr. Cockroach:
[exasperated] Suck in, B.O.B.

B.O.B.:
[breathes normally] Thanks, Doc. You're a lifesaver.

Missing Link:
She's speechless!

B.O.B.:
"She"?!

Dr. Cockroach:
Yes, B.O.B., we are in the presence of a rare female monster.

B.O.B.:
No way, it's a boy! Look at his boobies!

[Awkward silence]

Missing Link:
We need to have a talk.

Dr. Cockroach:
Gentlemen, I'm afraid we're not making a very good first impression.

Missing Link:
Well, at least I'm talking! First new monster in years, and we couldn't get, like, a wolfman or a mummy? You know, someone I can play cards with.

Dr. Cockroach:
Might we ask for your name, madam?

Susan:
Susan.

B.O.B.:
No, no, no, we mean your monster name. What do people scream when they see you coming? You know, like "Look out! Here comes..."?

Susan:
Susan.

[Silence]

Dr. Cockroach:
Really?

B.O.B.:
[spookily] Susan! Ooh, I just scared myself! That is scary!

Susan:
[meeting General Monger] Oh, thank goodness! A real person! [notices his jetpack] You are a real person, right? You're not one of those half-person, half-machine, whatever you call those things?

General W.R. Monger:
A cyborg?

Susan:
[panicked] Oh, no! You're a cyborg!

General W.R. Monger:
Ma'am, I can assure you I am not a cyborg. The name is General Warren R. Monger. I'm in charge of this facility.

[Dr. Cockroach is building an atomic bomb from Legos]

Dr. Cockroach:
Oh, Susan. You wouldn't happen to have some uranium on you? I just need a smidge.

General W.R. Monger:
[on walkie-talkie] Rescind Dr. Cockroach's toybox privileges. Immediately. [Susan's cell door opens] We’ve had the prison psychologist redecorate your cell. [a poster reads “Hang in there!] Try to keep you all calm-like.

Susan:
[tearfully] But I don’t want a poster. I want a real kitten. Hanging from a real tree. [turns to General W. R. Monger] I wanna go home...

General W.R. Monger :
Oh, come on, Little Debbie, please don’t cry. It makes my knees hurt. Don’t think of this as a prison! Think of it as a hotel you never leave because it’s locked from the outside! [Susan goes in her cell] Oh! And, uh, one other thing, the government has changed your name to GINORMICA.

[Dr. Cockroach has been trying to restore Ginormica to normal]

Missing Link:
You've been letting this quack experiment on you for the last month.

Dr. Cockroach:
I'm not a quack, I'm a mad scientist! There is a difference.

Ginormica:
Guys, what choice do I have? If he can make me normal, or even 6 foot 8, I can get out of here, go back to the life I'm supposed to have. I mean, I should be with Derek in...

Missing Link:
Let me guess, Fresno?

Ginormica:
Well, Fresno is just a stepping stone. Next stop: Milwaukee, then New York and then finally someday...

Missing Link:
Yeah, we know: Paris.

Ginormica:
Throw the switch, Doc, but... but don't do the laugh.

Dr. Cockroach:
Now you're going to feel a slight pinch in the brain. [laugh briefly] Sorry. [turns on the machine, shocking the hooked up Susan a lot that he accidentally renders her temporarily unconscious] Susan! Yoo-hoo!

Ginormica:
Am I small again?

Dr. Cockroach:
I'm afraid not, my dear. [the monsters jump off of Susan, whose hair is standing on end] In fact, you may actually have grown a couple of feet.

Cuthbert:
Don't rush me, Katie; I'm just not ready.

Katie:
Oh, relax, Cuthbert, it's just like dancing.

[President Hathaway goes to push a huge red button; all the advisers, including Wallace, shout for him to not to]

Adviser Cole:
That button launches all of our nuclear missiles!

President Hathaway:
Well, then which button gets me a latte?!

Adviser Wedgie:
Err, that would be the other one, sir.

[The camera zips back to show an identical button next to the first one; the President pushes it and serves himself a cup of coffee]

President Hathaway:
What idiot designed this thing? [stares around accusingly]

Adviser Wedgie:
You did, sir.

President Hathaway:
Fair enough. Wilson, fire somebody!

Wilson:
[off-screen] Yes, sir, Mr. President.

[General Monger explains his private operation to the government, showing images and video clips along the way]

General W.R. Monger:
Over the last 50 years, I have captured monsters on the rampage and locked them up in a secret prison facility. So secret, that the mere mention of its name is a federal offense!

Adviser:
Is he referring to Area Fifty- [is shot in the neck with a tranquilizer dart and falls over]

General W.R. Monger:
Mr. President, say hello to Insectosaurus! [shows a tape of Insectosaurus going on a rampage in Tokyo. An aide drops a tray of china and screams.] Miss Ronson, please. Nuclear radiation turned him from a small grub into a 350-foot tall monster that attacked Tokyo. Here we have the Missing Link... [Miss Ronson drops another tray of china and screams again.] ...a 20,000-year-old frozen fish-man who was thawed out by scientists. [shows a clip of the Missing Link's escape] He escaped and went on a rampage at his old watering hole... [shows a tape of the Missing Link on the beach in Florida] This handsome fellow is Dr. Cockroach, Ph.D, the most brilliant man in the world. He invented a scientific machine that would give humans the cockroach's ability to survive. [shows a black-and-white clip of Dr. Cockroach undergoing the experiment, giving himself his cockroach head] Unfortunately, there was a side-effect... [Miss Ronson drops yet another tray of china and screams yet again] Now, we call this thing B.O.B.... [A fourth crash and a fourth scream.] WILL SOMEONE GET HER OUTTA HERE?! [Two men throw Miss Ronson out of the room off-screen.] Thank you! A genetically-altered tomato was combined with a chemically altered ranch-flavored dessert topping at a snack food plant. The resulting goop gained consciousness and became an indestructible gelatinous mass. And our latest addition, Ginormica.

[He shows a picture of Susan at her failed wedding. Another high-pitched scream is heard, and it turns out to be the President's.]

President Hathaway:
[clears his throat] General, continue.

General W.R. Monger:
Her entire body radiates with pure energy, giving her enormous strength and size.

[After being promised their freedom if they defeat Gallaxhar's robot]

Ginormica:
Soon I'll be back in Derek's arms...or he'll be in mine.

Missing Link:
I can't wait for spring break back at Cocoa Beach, just freaking everybody out.

B.O.B.:
And I'll go back to my lab and finally finish my experiments.

Dr. Cockroach:
No, that's me, B.O.B..

B.O.B.:
Then I'll be a really giant lady.

Dr. Cockroach:
That's Susan, B.O.B..

B.O.B.:
Fine. Then I'll go back to Modesto and be with Derek.

Missing Link:
That's still Susan.

B.O.B.:
I think I at least deserve a chance to be with Derek!

[the robot steps toward them]

B.O.B.:
Will you look at the size of that-

Dr. Cockroach:
FOOT!

[Cockroach and Link dive out of the way and the robot's foot steps on B.O.B., then comes up, with B.O.B. stuck to the sole.]

B.O.B.:
I got him, you guys! I got-! [step] Don't worry, I won't let go! I'm wearing him down- [step] Please tell me he's slowing down!

[Ginormica fights Gallaxhar's robot, while preventing bystanders' cars from falling off the bridge.]

B.O.B.:
Wow! [two thumbs up] You're doing great!

Ginormica:
[extremely annoyed] I'm doing everything!

Derek:
Wow! You really are big.

Ginormica:
Yeah, but I'm still me. I'm still the girl you fell in love with.

Derek:
Except you destroyed the Golden Gate Bridge.

Ginormica:
But that was the only way I could defeat the alien robot! Did you ever think I could do that?!

Derek:
No, I didn't. I can honestly say that it never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever occurred to me.

Ginormica:
Look, I know this is all a little weird - okay, it's a lot weird - but I'm sure we can get through this. Together, we can find a way to get me back to normal.

Derek:
Susan, try to look at this from my perspective. I have an audience that depends on me for news, weather, sports and heart-warming fluff pieces. So you expect me to put all that on hold while you try to undo this thing that happened to you, that I had absolutely nothing to do with?

Ginormica:
Yes, that's exactly what I expect. What about the life we always wanted? Don't you still want that?

Derek:
Of course. I just, don't see... don't see how I can have that with you.

Ginormica:
[On the verge of tears] Derek, please. Don't do this.

Derek:
You have to face facts, Susan. And don't crush me for saying this, but I'm not looking to get married and spend the rest of my life on someone else's shadow. And you're casting a pretty big shadow. I'm sorry. It's over. Good luck, Susan.

Missing Link:
So, how was Derek?

Ginormica:
...Derek's a selfish jerk.

B.O.B.:
No!

Ginormica:
Yes. All that talk about us - "I'm so proud of us", "Us just got a job in Fresno" - There was no us, it was just Derek. Why did I have to get hit by a meteor to see that? I was such an idiot! [kicks the roof of the gas station, sending B.O.B. flying] Why did I think life with Derek would be so great anyway?! I mean, look at all the stuff I've done without him. Fighting an alien robot? That was me, not him! And that was amazing! Meeting you guys... [gets down on her knees so she can be face-to-face with the other monsters] amazing. [turns to Dr. Cockroach] Dr. Cockroach! You can crawl up walls and build a super-computer out of a pizza box, two cans of hairspray, and-!

Dr. Cockroach:
And a paper clip!

Ginormica:
Amazing! [turns to Missing Link] And you! You hardly need an introduction; you're the Missing Link! You personally carried 250 co-eds off Cocoa Beach and still had the strength to fight off the National Guard!

Missing Link:
[proudly] And the Coast Guard! And also the lifeguard.

Ginormica:
Amazing! [B.O.B. lands next to the other monsters.] B.O.B.! [turns him around so he's facing her] Who else could fall from unimaginable heights and end up without a single scratch?

B.O.B.:
[points to Missing Link] Link?

Ginormica:
[correcting him] You.

B.O.B.:
Amazing!

[Insectosaurus roars]

Missing Link:
Good point, Insecto'! Susan, don't shortchange yourself.

Ginormica:
Oh, I'm not gonna shortchange myself. [stands at full height again] Ever again.

Gallaxhar:
You must be terrified. Waking up in a strange place, wearing strange clothes, imprisoned by a strange being on a strange hovering device? Strange, isn't it?

Ginormica:
Hardly. It's not the first time.

Gallaxhar:
[Pauses, deflated] Wow. You really get around. To the extraction chamber!

[The machine imprisoning Ginormica, who wears a skintight suit, begins to follow Gallaxhar through the ship]

Ginormica:
Look, what is it that you want with me?

Gallaxhar:
You have stolen what is rightfully mine!

Ginormica:
I didn't steal anything from you!

Gallaxhar:
Your enormous, grotesque body contains quantonium, the most powerful substance in the universe. Did you really think you could keep it from me?

Ginormica:
...That's what this is all about?! You destroyed San Francisco, you terrified millions of people, you killed my friend, just to get to me?!

Gallaxhar:
"Wha-ka-ka-ka-ka!" Silence! Your voice is grating on my earknubs!

Gallaxhar:
[after extracting the quantonium from Ginormica, shrinking her back to human-size] Now I can finally rebuild my civilization on a new planet! Any ideas on where I could set up shop? Your planet, perhaps?

Ginormica:
You keep your slimy tentacles off my planet--! [tries to attack him, but he holds her back at tentacle-length]

Gallaxhar:
Or what? If you wanted to stop me, you should have done it when you possessed the quantonium. Now you're nothing.

Ginormica:
There are innocent people down there who haven't done anything!

Gallaxhar:
There were innocent people on my home planet, before it was destroyed!

Ginormica:
Look, I'm sorry your planet was destroyed—

Gallaxhar:
Oh, don't be! I'm the one who destroyed it. Confused? After I reveal my tale to you, everything will become crystal clear. Computer! Initialize cloning machine!

Gallaxhar's Computer:
Yes, Gallaxhar.

[Gallaxhar gets into the cloning machine with a mold that matches his body]

Gallaxhar:
Many zentons ago, when I was but a squidling, I found out that my parents were... [The machine closes down, scans his body and opens up again] No child should ever have to endure that! So I went on the road with a giant... [The machine closes down again and scans his body and opens up once again] ...And then thereafter was married! Things were going well. Until she wanted... [The machine closes down yet another time and reopens up] So then, I was all, "No way!" And then she was all, "Yes way!" And then I was like... [The machine closes down once again and reopens up] But I told you too much already! [He steps out of the machine] Let the birth of my new planet called... Uh... Gallaxhar's Planet, begin! Yes, thank you!

Dr. Cockroach:
[to Ginormica after they rescue her] My dear, no matter what your size, you'll always be... [notices the Gallaxhar clones coming and pulls Ginormica down by the suit, shaking her] nothing but a filthy carbon-based lifeform!

Gallaxhar Clones:
Hail Gallaxar.

Dr. Cockroach:
Hail Gallaxar.

[Gallaxhar addresses his army of clones]

Gallaxhar:
Clone!

All Gallaxhar clones:
Hail Gallaxar!

Gallaxhar:
No, no, no, not all of you, you there! [The clones look confused] Erm, how do I do this? Three back! [The clones move around confused] No, no, no, no, that guy... Next to you... The one I'm pointing at! You! The one! "Wha-ka-ka-ka-ka!" You! Clone, yes! Good! [One steps forward] Take the prisoner to the incinerator! She's useless to us now.

Gallaxhar Clone:
Hail Gallaxar!

Gallaxhar:
Hail me...

[Gallaxhar is walking along in his ship, passing groups of clones]

Clone Group:
Hail Gallaxhar!

Gallaxhar:
Hail me.

Second Clone Group:
Hail Gallaxhar!

Gallaxhar:
[slightly bored] Hail me...

Susan:
Now open the doors!

Gallaxhar:
Even if I wanted to, I couldn't! That's what happens when you set a ship to self-destruct! Now we're all gonna die! And there's nothing you can do about it, Susan.

Susan:
I wouldn't be so sure. And the name... is Ginormica! [fires the weapon she is carrying into the statue, so that the quantonium-filled globe it holds falls on her]

[Thinking they are about to die (B.O.B., as usual, is blissfully unaware)]

Missing Link:
It's been an honor knowing you, Doc.

Dr. Cockroach:
The feeling's mutual, my friend.

B.O.B.:
I'll see you guys tomorrow! For lunch!

Missing Link:
That's right, B.O.B.

Dr. Cockroach:
And they'll be ice-cream, and cake, and balloons.

B.O.B.:
Cake and balloons for lunch?! It's gonna be the best day ever! I love you guys!

[Cutscene just after the first cluster of credits]

President Hathaway:
Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the newest Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Of Staff, General W.R. Monger.

General W.R. Monger:
Thank you very much, Mr. President. What a way to spend my 90th birthday.

President Hathaway:
[singing] Alright, let's get it started in here, nerd!

Nerd Advisor:
Gentlemen, I have come up with a budget estimate for re-building San Francisco.

President Hathaway:
Zoinkers, this is going to be a boring one. Good time for a cup o' Joe. Warden, how do you take it?

General W.R. Monger:
Hit me with a double venti, organic chocolate brownie caramel frappichino, extra hot with one inch of foam... [zooms in to his lips] ... non-fat.

President Hathaway:
Got it, black it is. [Hits the nuke button; everyone panics]

General W.R. Monger:
My God, man! What have you done?!

President Hathaway:
Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys. Let's check the situation in 500 years! [pops his head into the audience] Who wants to freeze my head?