Mrs. Doubtfire

Mrs. Doubtfire:
My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flashes.

Daniel:
Wow, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air?

Daniel:
What do I do?

Daniel:
After you box them...?

Daniel:
I think I made a friend.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
What a lovely home you have. Did you decorate this yourself?

Miranda:
Yes, I did.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
Oh, it reeks of taste!

Stu:
Your day's on me, Mrs Doubtfire. Anything you need, just put on my tab, okay?

Mrs. Doubtfire:
Oh, thank you dear.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
Touch me again, and I'll drown you, you bastard.

Lou:
Daniel, that line was not in the script. Why did you add it?

Daniel:
I thought I should comment on the situation.

Lou:
What situation?

Daniel:
The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a cigarette shoved into his mouth is morally irresponsible.

Lou:
This is a cartoon. Not a freakin' Oprah Winfrey special.

Daniel:
Lou, millions of children see this cartoon, it's like sending each of them a pack of cigarettes and saying "light up."

Natalie:
We're his goddamn kids too.

Daniel:
Heh heh, kids say the darnedest things.

Miranda:
Any other choice phrases you'd like to teach our five year old?

Daniel:
They should have a disclaimer that says "Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery While Watching This Show". Incredible. This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. Amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mister Rogers look like Mick Jagger.

Daniel:
Can I see the ad? Come on, Miranda, let me see the ad, I have a right as their father.

Miranda:
Anything else I can show you?

Daniel:
Are you offering?

Miranda:
Not any more.

Daniel:
What's the change?

Daniel:
Not working. Need to grow older.

Frank:
Older? You mean like Shelley Winters older or Shirley MacLaine older?

Daniel:
What's the difference?

Frank:
Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.

Cop:
Ma'am, are you aware that it's against the law to possess animals of a barnyard nature in a residential area?

Miranda:
What if you're married to one?

Miranda:
I bring home a birthday cake and a few gifts; you bring home the Goddamn San Diego Zoo and I have to clean up after it.

Natalie:
We're in the middle of Charlotte's Web. Who's gonna finish it?

Daniel:
Grandma can finish it for you.

Natalie:
But she's not as good. She doesn't do the voices, and she smells funny.

Daniel:
That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.

Miranda:
Mrs. Doubtfire.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
What?

Miranda:
You're going into the men's room.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
Huh? Oh, so I am. I do need new glasses.

Daniel:
How about we take a vacation, take the kids, get you away from work, you'll see that you're a different person. You are. You're great.

Miranda:
But our problems would be waiting for us when we got back.

Daniel:
Well we'll move, and hopefully our problems won't follow us.

Miranda:
Daniel, please don't joke. We're far apart. We're different. We have nothing in common.

Daniel:
Sure we do. We love each other... We love each other... Don't we?

Miranda:
I want a divorce.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
Can you help me with something, I found this outside.

Stu:
Yes, this is off my Mercedes.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
Off your Mercedes, dear, you own that big expensive car out there? Oh, dear. Well, they say a man who has to buy a big car like that is trying to compensate for smaller genitals.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
The only thing you'll be watching is deep CNN.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
Isn't this posh? I'll bet it's very exclusive, probably need a credit reference just to get in the pool.

Daniel:
Could you make me a woman?

Frank:
Honey, I'm so happy.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
Carpe dentum. Seize the teeth.

Daniel:
Ever wish you could freeze frame a moment in your day, and look at it and say "this is not my life"?

Mrs. Doubtfire:
You see that Nattie, that's called liposuction.

Lydie:
Who did this?

Daniel:
Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack.

Miranda:
The whole time? I mean the whole time? I have to go. I have to go.

Daniel:
Hello, my name is Ilsa Immelmann. And I want to know, how many children do you have?

Miranda:
I have two girls and a boy.

Daniel:
Ah, a boy. I don't work with the males, because I used to be one.

Miranda:
Yikes.

Daniel:
I feel like Gloria Swanson.

Frank:
You look like her mother.

Daniel:
I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
Poor Winston's idea of foreplay was, "Brace yourself, Effie."

Mrs. Doubtfire:
Sink the sub. Hide the weasel. Park the porpoise. A bit of the old Humpty Dumpty, Little Jack Horny, the Horizontal Mambo, hmm? The Bone Dancer, Rumpleforeskin, Baloney Bop, a bit of the cunning linguisitics?

Stu:
Mrs. Doubtfire, please.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
Oh I'm sorry, am I being a little graphic? I'm sorry. Well, I hope you're up for a little competition. She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her own personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
I hope you bring cocktail sauce. She's got the crabs dear and I don't mean Dungeness.

Miranda:
Hello?

Daniel:
I am job.

Miranda:
I beg you a pardon?

Daniel:
I... am... job.

Miranda:
Do you speak English?

Daniel:
I am job!

Miranda:
Sorry, the position has been filled.

Daniel:
Ahhhhhhhh! Leila, get back to your cage; don't make me get the hose!

Daniel:
Hello?

Mrs. Doubtfire:
I can hip-hop, be-bop, dance till ya drop, and yo yo yo, make a mean cup of coco.

Chris:
You don't really like wearing that stuff, do you Dad?

(When trying to get out if going to Miranda’s birthday dinner)

Mrs Doubtfire:
Ohm but it’s my turn to ring the bells at the refectory.

Daniel:
[as Pudgy the Parrot] Yipe. On second thought, YIPE! 9-1-1! 9-1-1! Police! Civic Authorities! A.S.P.C.A, A.S.A.P! Murder! Betrayal! Kidnapped! No! Birdnapped!

Daniel:
[as Grunge the Cat] A cup of garlic, a twist of parakeet. Eat your heart out, Julia Child.

Daniel:
[as Pudgy the Parrot] Excuse me, but isn't it customary for the jailbird to get one telephone call?

Daniel:
[as Grunge the Cat] In your case, I think not. Afternoon snacks have very few civil liberties. But I'm not wholly without heart. How about a nice, soothing cigarette?

Daniel:
[as Pudgy the Parrot, pretends to cough and choke and ad libs over the line "Beak Cancer"] I will not do this! I cannot! Oh, what a foul way for a bird to die! I don't want to get beak cancer! No! My lungs are blackened!

[Irritated, Lou rolls his eyes]

Lou:
Here we go again. Cut! Roll it back! What are you doing? [Daniel stops, startled] Daniel, that line is not in the script. Why did you add it?

Daniel:
Well, I thought I should comment on the situation.

Lou:
What situation?

Daniel:
The fact the Pudgy the Parrot has a cigarette shoved into his mouth is morally irresponsible!

Lou:
This is a cartoon, okay? This is not a freaking Oprah Winfrey special!

Daniel:
Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon. It's like sending each one of them a packet of cigarettes and saying, "Light up!"

Lou:
You can't put words in Pudgy's mouth if his mouth isn't moving!

Daniel:
Well, it's a voice over. It's an interior monologue. Maybe even the voice of God. That's even better. [as God] Don't Pudgy! Don't smoke!

Lou:
[sighing] Actors.

Daniel:
What? Well, let's ask the technicians. [at technicians] Do you think it's morally right to promote smoking to the youth of America?

[The three men are observing the recording studio from a control room, each smoking a cigarette. One of them shrugs.]

Daniel:
[Whistles] They're biased. That's a mistrial.

Lou:
Daniel, listen to me. This session is costing the studio thousands of dollars. Now if you want a paycheck, you stick to the script. If you want to play Gandhi, then do it on somebody else's time!

[Daniel removes recording headphones]

Daniel:
[as Gandhi] Then I got to do what I got to do.

[Daniel proceeds to exit recording studio]

Lou:
That's very funny. Where the hell are you going? Hey, listen, buddy. I'll tell you something. If you leave, you're not coming back in. I'm not taking any crap from you, pal.

Daniel:
Well, in the words of Porky Pig... [as Porky Pig] Pi-pi-pi-pi pi-pi-pi-pi pi- piss off, Lou!

[he exits]

Frank:
[on the phone with his mother; to Daniel, his brother] She wants to know if you want to come stay with her.

Daniel:
[quietly] No way!

Frank:
[to his mother] He says he'll think about it, Mom.

Judge:
Mr. and Mrs. Hillard, although these custody proceedings have always tended to favor the mother, we also realize, perhaps, now, more than ever, that it is not in a child's best interest to deprive him or her of an obviously loving father. However, since at the present time, Mr. Hillard has no place to live and no employment, it is the court's ruling to award sole custody to Mrs. Hillard.

Miranda's Lawyer:
Congratulations.

Daniel:
No...

Judge:
Mr. Hillard will have visitation rights every Saturday.

Daniel:
[whispering to his lawyer] Can't you do something?

Daniel's Lawyer:
He's already made his decision.

Daniel:
Isn't it traditional to say, like, "I object" or something? [to the judge] Your Honor, please. I mean, every Saturday, that's one day a week. That's not enough. I have to be with my children. It's not a question, really. I mean, I have to be with them, sir, please. I know it seems like a lot, but for me, it's not enough, really. I haven't been away from them for more than one day since the day they were born.

Judge:
Mr. Hillard, I would like to add that this ruling is only temporary.

Daniel:
Oh, good.

Judge:
I will assign a court liaison to oversee your case, and there will be a continuance of these proceedings in 90 days. I'm giving you three months, Mr. Hillard.

Daniel:
Thank you.

Judge:
Three months in which to get a job, keep it, and create a suitable home. If this proves to be a possibility for you, I will consider a joint-custody arrangement when we reconvene. We're adjourned. [bangs gavel]

Daniel:
Hi, I'm Daniel Hillard, the actor.

Tony:
Follow me.

[Tony leads Daniel into a room full of canisters of film reels.]

Daniel:
Ooh, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air?

Tony:
[gruff] Well, not exactly.

Daniel:
What do I do?

Tony:
Well, you take these cans right here. You box them, then you ship them. Then you take those ones over there. You box them, you ship them. Then more of them will come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions?

Daniel:
After you box them...

Tony:
You ship them. Lots of luck, smart-ass. [leaves the room]

Daniel:
[to himself] I think I made a friend.

[Daniel calls Miranda as several undesirable applicants for the housekeeper position]

Miranda:
[answers as she is driving] Hello? Are you calling in response to the ad?

Daniel:
[in a monotone feminine voice] Uh-huh.

Miranda:
Tell me, who was your previous employer?

Daniel:
I was in a band. Severe Tire Damage.

Miranda:
In a band?

Daniel:
I just want to know one thing: are your kids well-behaved, or do they need like a few light slams every now and then?

Miranda:
Um... I'll have to get back to you on that.

Daniel:
Wow! [Miranda hangs up]

[Cut to Daniel calling Miranda while taking a bath]

Daniel:
[in a German accent] Ja, my name is Ilsa Himmelman, and I want to know how many children do you have?

Miranda:
I have two girls and a boy.

Daniel:
Oh, a boy. I don't work with the males because I used to be one.

Miranda:
[hangs up in shock] Yikes!

[Cut to Daniel calling Miranda later that night]

Miranda:
Hello?

Daniel:
[screams; in a Southern accent] Layla, get back in your cell! Don't make me get the hose! [in a soft voice] Hello? [Miranda hangs up in shock again. Daniel calls her again in a Spanish accent] I. Am. Job.

Miranda:
Do you speak English?

Daniel:
I. Am. Job.

Miranda:
I'm sorry, the position has been filled. [hangs up] Oh, what a nightmare!

Daniel:
[as he dials Miranda's number one last time] Let's go in for the kill.

Miranda:
[answers the phone] Hello?

Daniel:
[in a feminine English accent] Hello. I'm calling in regards to the ad I read in the paper.

Miranda:
Yes. Well, would you tell me a little bit about yourself?

Daniel:
Oh, certainly dear. For the past 15 years, I have worked for the Smythe family of Elbourne, England. That's Smythe, not Smith, dear. And for them, I did house-cleaning, cooking, and took care of their four glorious children. Oh, I grew quite attached to them after 15 years, but they grew up, as children tend to do. Oh, but listen to me, I am going on when you should be telling me about your little ones.

Miranda:
Well, I have two girls...

Daniel:
Oh, two precious gems. No doubt, the jewel of your eye.

Miranda:
...and one boy.

Daniel:
Oh, the little prince. How wonderful.

Miranda:
I must tell you, there would be a little light cooking required.

Daniel:
Oh, I don't mind that dear. I'd love some heavy cooking, but I do have one rule: They'll only eat good, nutritious food with me. And if there's any dispute about that, it's either good, wholesome food or empty tummies. That's my rule. I hope it's not too harsh for you, dear.

Miranda:
No. Um, would you mind coming on an interview, say, Monday night at 7:30?

Daniel:
Oh, I'd love to, dear.

Miranda:
Wonderful. I'm at 2640 Steiner Street.

Daniel:
Steiner. Oh, how lovely.

Miranda:
Could you tell me your name?

Daniel:
My name? I thought I gave it to you, dear.

Miranda:
No.

Daniel:
Oh! [sees a newspaper headline that reads, "Police Doubt Fire Was Accidental"] Doubtfire.

Miranda:
I beg your pardon?

Daniel:
Doubtfire, dear. Mrs Doubtfire.

Miranda:
Well, I look forward to meeting you.

Daniel:
Oh, lovely, dear. Me, too.

Miranda:
Bye-bye.

Daniel:
Ta-ta. [hangs up; in his normal voice] Showtime. [chuckles]

[Daniel returns his Mrs. Doubtfire mask after it's been run over by a truck.]

Daniel:
[holds up flattened mask] Had a little accident.

Frank:
[hands him another one] Can you please take care of this one? She's an old lady.

[Daniel leaves makeup shop.]

Frank:
[to himself] Why wasn't I an only child?

[The kids are watching The Dick Van Dyke Show on the television.]

Alan Brady:
Here it is, Mel, $1,000 worth of hair. What am I supposed to do with it?

Melvin Cooley:
Alan, I was wondering if...

Alan Brady:
You want one of them? I'd rather make a coat for my wife. [pokes a head mannequin off the table] Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up!

Mrs. Doubtfire:
All right, everyone. It's time to expand your minds. It's homework time. OK?

Lydia:
Yeah, but after Dick Van Dyke.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
No. Now.

[Mrs. Doubtfire turns off TV. Lydia uses remote control to reactivate TV.]

Lydia:
No. We always watch Dick Van Dyke.

[Lydia sets down the remote; Mrs. Doubtfire picks it up.]

Mrs. Doubtfire:
[calmly] Really? Well? [tosses the remote into the air; it lands behind her in the fish tank] Not anymore. The only thing you'll be watching is Deep CNN. [turns to the kids, who are wide-eyed] Now! I know you're used to loosey-goosey, but I run a much tighter ship. Between the hours of 3 p.m. and 7 p.m., I'm in charge. And when I'm in charge, you will follow a schedule. Those who do not follow the schedule will be punished.

Nattie:
Punished?

Lydia:
She's lying. She'd never punish us.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
[evilly] Don't...fuss with me.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
Alright, listen to me. I'm not who you think I am.

Chris:
Yeah, no sh*t!

Daniel:
[breaks character] Watch your mouth, young man!

Lydia:
Oh my god.

Chris:
Dad?

Daniel:
Yeah.

Lydia:
Dad?

Daniel:
Yeah, honey.

Chris:
You don't like wearing that stuff, do you, Dad?

Daniel:
Well, some of it's comfortable. No! No; it's a pain in the padded ass. This is not a way of life; it's just a job. I don't go to old-lady bars or anything like that after work, you know. It's just the only way I can see you guys every day.

Chris:
Who did this?

Daniel:
Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack.

Lydia [coming around]:
It's really you in there.

Daniel:
It's just a mask. And this is a bodysuit. I didn't have any operations or anything.

Lydia:
It's good.

Daniel:
Yeah. [They hug] Sorry I scared you. Come here, Chris.

Chris:
No. No, it's okay, I get it. I just...you know, don't wanna hug you or anything. Not just yet.

Daniel:
That's cool. It's a guy thing.

Chris:
Yeah.

Daniel:
Well, now that you know, you can't tell Mom, okay? Because if she finds out, I'll only be able to see you through plate glass. Okay? And we can't tell Nattie, because she'll blow my cover. So you have to promise me, it's just us. All right? You promise?

[Daniel and another man who works at the studio have been watching a long-running TV show filming another episode. The host speaks slowly, in a near-monotone voice, and the show is so boring that the camera crews are close to falling asleep.]

Daniel:
Which one's the dinosaur?

Lundy:
The one in the middle, I think.

Daniel:
Nah, you're wrong. They're all extinct. [Lundy chuckles] I can't believe they're still subjecting kids to this. This is insane. They should have a little disclaimer that says, "Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this show." It's incredible. This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. That's amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mr. Rogers look like Mick Jagger. It's insane. [scoffs] What kind of idiot kept this guy on the air for 25 years?

Lundy:
Me.

Daniel:
You?

Lundy:
[offering his hand] Jonathan Lundy.

Daniel:
Jonathan Lundy, general manager, owner? [Lundy nods] I'm Daniel Hillard, former employee.

Lundy:
Ah, maybe.

Daniel:
[chuckles] That was funny. Listen, I don't mean to criticize. I just, you know... Sometimes I have...

Lundy:
Criticize all you want. Show's terrible. I'm gonna cancel it. It's pulling down the whole afternoon schedule. It's gone.

Daniel:
You know what you gotta do?

Lundy:
What?

Daniel:
Just start from scratch. Give it kind of a... Maybe a musical number.

Daniel:
[as Mr. Rogers] Hello, boys and girls, today we're going to talk about dinosaurs. It's a dino-saurus line! [sings fanfare] And please welcome the King! [hums tune and imitates Elvis with a T-Rex] It's a dinner show. Hey, where you from? Hey, I'm gonna make you lunch, thank you very much. Thank you! All right! Ladies and gentlemen, put your claws together. Please welcome James Bronnnnnntosaurus! [James Brown style] Pum pum pum, I eat wood, dada dada dada da, it tastes good, dada dada dada da no meat, big feet, I eat wood, pum pum pum! Oh I got to help myself, can't go on, can't go on, I'm going extinct! Oh, thank you James, but now, Yo! it's time for the Raptor Rap. [Lundy happens to walk in on the set as Daniel begins raps with the raptor] Yo I'm a Raptor doing what I can going to eat everything 'til the appearance of man. Yo yo, see me, I'm living below the soil, I'll be back, but I'm coming as oil!

Lundy:
[walks over to Daniel and claps] Very impressive, Mr. Hillard!

Daniel:
Oh, I didn't know anybody was watching. I was just playing. I don't think I...

Lundy:
I was watching. That's funny stuff.

Daniel:
Well, thanks.

Lundy:
I think kids would like it. They'd be entertained, and they'd get some information, too.

Daniel:
Yeah, well, that's kind of my theory. I think I could, you know... You don't have to play down to 'em, you just play to 'em.

Lundy:
Listen, I'd like to hear some more of your ideas.

Daniel:
My ideas?

Lundy:
How about a dinner meeting?

Daniel:
Oh, okay.

Lundy:
Next Friday, Bridges Restaurant, 7:00 sharp.

Daniel:
I'll be there. [Lundy walks away] Take five. Take five million. You're dead.

Maitre'd:
Good evening, Mr. Lundy.

Lundy:
I'm meeting someone. Has he arrived yet?

Maitre'd:
No, I'm sorry, he hasn't arrived yet. But we can seat you. Smoking or non-smoking?

Lundy:
Non-smoking, please.

Maitre'd:
Non-smoking. Tanya will seat you. Table 15.

Tanya:
This way, please.

Stu:
Reservation, Dunmeyer.

Maitre'd:
Yes, sir... Smoking or non-smoking?

Stu:
Non-smoking.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
SMOKING!

[Stu, Miranda, and the children look at Mrs. Doubtfire incredulous in wanting a table in the smoking section.]

Miranda:
Mrs. Doubtfire, you don't smoke.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
No, I don't, but I did. Oh, dear, I found the best way to keep from smoking again and lighting up is to be around those who do smoke. I have to randomly ingest just a little bit of nicotine and it steels my wool. [to Stu] Oh, and I know you're Mr Health. Bless you for putting yourself in harm's way.

Stu:
Smoking.

Maitre'd:
All right, table 39. [to Tanya] Table 39.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
39! My age! You're a saint. Thank you very much for humouring an old lady.

Maitre'd:
Thank you.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him.

Miranda:
How awful. Was he an alcoholic?

Mrs. Doubtfire:
No, he was hit by a Guinness truck. So it was quite literally the drink that killed him.

[Daniel is accidentally revealed in front of his family.]

Natalie:
Daddy?

Daniel:
Yeah, honey. It's me.

[Miranda screams.]

Daniel:
Happy birthday.

Miranda:
Daniel? Daniel! Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh my God! The whole time? The whole time, you were? [suddenly angry] THE WHOLE TIME?!

Daniel:
Miranda.

Miranda:
Don't talk to me. Don't you dare touch me! [crying] Don't touch me! [strongly] I have to go. We have to leave now. I have to leave. We have to leave. I have to go!

Judge:
Miss Robeson, do you have any closing remarks?

Miranda's Lawyer:
Nothing further, Your Honor.

Judge:
Well, Mr. Hillard, since you've determined to act as your own attorney, you are entitled to make a closing statement at this time.

Daniel:
Your Honor, in the past two months, I have secured a residence, I've refurbished that residence and made it an environment fit for children. Those are your words. I'm also holding down a job as a shipping clerk. So I believe I met your requirements ahead of schedule. In regards to my behavior, I can only plead insanity, because ever since my children were born, the moment I looked at them, I was crazy about them. And once I held them, I was hooked. I'm addicted to my children, sir. I love them with all my heart, and the idea of someone telling me I can't be with them, I can't see them every day... it's like someone saying I can't have air. I can't live without air, and I can't live without them. Listen, I would do anything. I just want to be with them. You know I need that, sir. We have a history. And I just— they mean everything to me, and they need me as much as I need them. So please, don't take my kids away from me. Thank you.

Judge:
Mr. Hillard, you've been able to fool a lot of people into believing you're a 60-year-old woman. No easy task. And your little speech seemed to be very heartfelt and genuine. But, I believe it to be a terrific performance by a very gifted actor. Nothing more.

Daniel:
No, it's not that.

Judge:
The reality, Mr. Hillard, is that your lifestyle over the past months has been very unorthodox. And I refuse to further subject three innocent children to your peculiar and potentially harmful behavior. It is this court's decision to award full custody to Mrs. Hillard.

Daniel:
Oh, God, no, sir, please...

Judge:
You will have supervised visitation rights every Saturday.

Daniel:
Supervised, sir?

Judge:
Yes. A court liaison will accompany you when you spend time with the children. I am suggesting a period of psychological testing and perhaps treatment for you, Mr. Hillard. We will reexamine this case one year from now. Thank you. Court is adjourned. [bangs gavel]

Mrs. Sellner:
First off, there is your apartment. I will be inspecting it every Friday night.

Daniel{good old boy accent}:
Well, I will put on a chicken for you!

Mrs. Sellner:
Second, the job. Mr. Hillard, do you have any skills?

Daniel:
Oh, yes, I do. I do voices.

Mrs. Sellner:
What do you mean, you do voices?

Daniel{German accent}:
Vell, I do voices.

Daniel{Genie}:
Yes!

Daniel{Mork from Ork}:
We've come to this planet looking for intelligent life. Oops, we made a mistake.

Daniel{Vladimir Ivanoff}:
So happy to be in America, don't ask for green card!

Daniel{monster}:
I want you in the worst way!

Daniel{Groucho Marx}:
Well, this is certainly a rough meeting and it's not going well for me, I'll tell you that.

Daniel{Chico Marx}:
Hey, boss, give her a chance, she's going to loosen up any minute.

Daniel{James Bond} Look at me right now, Moneypenny, I want to undo that bow and get to know you.

Daniel{Joey O'Brian} I'll be crazy to make a deal with you!

Daniel{Ronald Reagan}:
Nancy and I are still looking for the other half of my head.

Daniel{Walter Brennan}:
This is it! Yes, I'm doing it! I'm sitting on a gold mine!

Daniel{Humphrey Bogart}:
Don't make me smack you, sweetheart, I'll do it.

Daniel{Pudgy the Parrot}:
Figaro!

Daniel{natural voice}:
I do a great impression of a hot dog. (stiffens and pulls a petrified face)

Mrs. Sellner:
Mr. Hillard, do you consider yourself funny?

Daniel:
[Yiddish accent] Oy, it vas such a shandeh! I should never buy gribenes from a Mohel; it's so chewy. [normal voice] No, oh no, I feel like Bubbeh. This is not working.

Frank:
Yes, I know it's not working, but don't worry, it's a work in progress, and you're my brother; I will never let you be embarrassed.

Daniel:
God bless you.

Frank:
I think we're gonna have to do the entire face.

Daniel:
But look at this nice thing, though, we have here!

Daniel, Frank, and Jack:
[both singing] Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match; find me a find, catch me a catch!

Euphegenia Doubtfire:
[Drops false teeth in drink, Stu double takes and pulls a strange face] Oh. [pretends to talk with no teeth] Carpe dentum. Seize the teeth. [retrieves dentures from wine glass with fork, shakes them] Just shake them off, like a dog...

Euphegenia Doubtfire:
Oh, sir! I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff. Did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorists - they ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting. I'll get them, sir. Don't worry.

Euphegenia Doubtfire:
Oh, thank you, dear. [through her teeth] Yes. Touch me again and I'll drown you, you bastard.

Euphegenia Doubtfire:
[walking across the street, then almost gets mugged. Hits mugger in the face, as Daniel] Back off! Go on, BEAT IT! [As Mrs. Doubtfire] Broke my bag, the bastard.

Euphegenia Doubtfire:
You know, they often say a man with a car like that's trying to compensate for smaller genitals. But not in your case, because I see that you're a strapping lad, aren't you?

Euphegenia Doubtfire:
[observing Stu's Mercedes] Lover boy is here. What a beautiful little car for Don Juan. [reaches down, rips hood ornament off] So sad when that happens!

Euphegenia Doubtfire:
She's got her own personal jackhammer in the bedroom. [Stu spits out his drink, appalled] She could break sidewalks with that thing. Surprised she hasn't chipped her teeth. She uses it with the lights dim. It's like a prison movie.

Euphegenia Doubtfire:
Upstairs, my little nose miners! Go! Flee before me! Onward and upward! Go pump some neurons! Expand your craniums!

Euphegenia Doubtfire:
[reading a letter on television] "Dear Mrs Doubtfire, 2 months ago, my mum and dad decided to separate. Now they live in different houses. My brother Andrew says that we aren't to be a family anymore. Is this true? Did I lose my family? Is there anything I could do to get my parents back together? Sincerely, Katie McCormick." Oh, my dear Katie. You know some parents when they're angry, they get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time and they can become better people and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes, they get back together. And sometimes, they don't, dear. And if they don't... don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other anymore doesn't mean that they don't love you. Now there are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mummy, some families have one daddy, or two families. Some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents and some children live with foster parents. Some live in separate homes and neighborhoods, in different areas of the country, and they may not see each other for days, weeks, months, or even years at a time. But if there's love, dear, those are the ties that bind. And you'll have a family in your heart forever. All my love to you, poppet. You're going to be all right. Bye-bye.

Daniel Hillard:
My marriage is not ending. It's just on hiatus.

Mrs. Doubtfire:
Oh, you wicked, wicked, monkey! Oh! Well, that's all for today. Bye-bye. Well, tomorrow we'll have Frank. Who is a make-up artist? [knock on door] Oh, a big knock at the door. Who could that be? And we have enough time. Mr. Sprinkles, boys and girls. Hello, Mr. Sprinkes.