Mrs Henderson Presents

Laura Henderson:
Truth is so prosaic.

Lord Cromer:
I have learned in these many years of dealing with artists to detest imagination.

Laura Henderson:
I am bored with widowhood. I have to smile at everyone. I never had to smile at everyone before. In India, there were always people to look down upon.

Laura Henderson:
[at Mrs. Henderson's husband's funeral] I'm bored with widowhood.

Lady Conway:
My dear, you've just scratched the surface.

Laura Henderson:
I have to smile at everybody. I've never had to smile at everybody. In India, there were always people to look down on.

Lady Conway:
People are merely being sympathetic. After all, you have lost your husband.

Laura Henderson:
Well I didn't mislay him! It was most inconsiderate of Robert to die. What on earth am I supposed to do now?

Lady Conway:
It's really not so bad. Widows are allowed hobbies.

Laura Henderson:
Hobbies?

Lady Conway:
Yes. Embroidery, things like that.

Laura Henderson:
Are you mad?

Lady Conway:
I've graduated to weaving. Would you care to see my tapestries?

Laura Henderson:
I'd rather drink ink.

Lady Conway:
Committees are good of course. I serve on quite a few charities. Once your husband dies, it's quite permissible to help the poor. And now, there's no one to stop you buying things. Also, of course, there's a great deal of time for lovers.

Laura Henderson:
Margot, I'm nearly 70!

Lady Conway:
That's true, but you're also very rich. The one cancels out the other.

Laura Henderson:
Who on earth are you?

Leslie Pearkes:
This is Vivian Van Damm.

Laura Henderson:
Don't be silly. That's not a British name.

Vivian Van Damm:
In actual fact, my father's a lawyer in Bishopsgate, although some of his ancestors are from Holland.

Laura Henderson:
Oh, dear God, you're Jewish!

Vivian Van Damm:
As it happens, I'm not.

Laura Henderson:
Well, of course you are, dear. Just look at yourself.

Vivian Van Damm:
Mustn't keep the Millerettes waiting.

Laura Henderson:
Oh, that name is intolerable. It suggests midgets working in a factory.

Vivian Van Damm:
Millettes sounds like a medical condition.

Bertie:
What do you make of her?

Vivian Van Damm:
She's beautiful.

Bertie:
Yes.

Vivian Van Damm:
But the nipples...

Bertie:
Too large?

Vivian Van Damm:
They're not British. Could be Italian. We must have British nipples.

Lady Conway:
Adolescents and women in their eighth decade are strikingly similar.

Lady Conway:
You obviously require a battle plan. My second husband, the general, always advocated attacking from the rear, which, although it did nothing to enhance our marriage, did bring him some success on the field.

Vivian Van Damm:
She said it's not your fault. That can only mean one thing...

Laura Henderson:
Which is?

Vivian Van Damm:
That it is your fault!

Laura Henderson:
What a commotion!

Maggie:
They think the theater ecourages what they call overcongregating. It seems that we're too popular.

Laura Henderson:
Do you mean we'd stay open if we were a failure? How ridiculous!

Vivian Van Damm:
Listen, everyone... We have no choice - the government is forcing us to close. One more light dimming in the heart of London.

Laura Henderson:
He's turning into Winston again!

Laura Henderson:
When you lose a son in the war you do know, no matter what anyone might say, that his death has been in vain. It won't stop others from following, other wars, other young men.

Laura Henderson:
If we are to ask our youth to surrender their lives, then we should not ask them to surrender joy - or the possibility of joy! And, if along the way, we cause too many people to congregate in the street, who gives a fiddler's f***?

Laura Henderson:
We have made rather a go at it, haven't we?

Vivian Van Damm:
Yes. You're a very irritating woman, but I wouldn't have missed this for the world.

Laura Henderson:
I feel quite the same - even though you're a very irritating man.

Laura Henderson:
We've had some good shows, but they're not daring enough. Let's get rid of the clothes.

Lord Cromer:
Now what about, forgive me, the foliage?

Laura Henderson:
Foliage?

Lord Cromer:
You know, beneath the...

Laura Henderson:
Beneath what? Try the Brie.

Lord Cromer:
Thank you. Beneath the...

Laura Henderson:
I had it flown in from France.

Lord Cromer:
Excellent. The foliage beneath the...

Laura Henderson:
My husband was very fond of it.

Lord Cromer:
Of what?

Laura Henderson:
This particular cheese.

Lord Cromer:
My dear, I'm attempting to address the disagreeable and somewhat sordid topic of the pudendum.

Laura Henderson:
What on earth is that?

Lord Cromer:
Good heavens, woman!

Laura Henderson:
Do have some more wine.

Lord Cromer:
The female part.

Laura Henderson:
Oh, the p*ssy!

Lord Cromer:
[Gasps]

Laura Henderson:
Why didn't you say?

Lord Cromer:
I had not expected you, of all people, to use such language.

Laura Henderson:
That word was rather popular in the mid-nineteenth century. Not everyone speaks Latin, you know.

Lord Cromer:
Then I'd prefer you refer to it as 'the midlands'.

Laura Henderson:
Oh dear, you men do get into such a state about 'the midlands', don't you? Well you needn't worry. Our lighting will be so subtle; the disputed area will be barely visible.

[as Lord Cromer drinks his wine]

Laura Henderson:
And anyway, we'll have a barber.

Lord Cromer:
[spits out wine and Mrs Henderson laughs]

Laura Henderson:
Are you American?

Soldier:
Yes ma'am.

Laura Henderson:
Oh! Americans! Strange people, lovely manners.

[talking to the girls]

Lady Conway:
I quite understand what you were feeling. I myself have exhibited my breasts. I was at a party at Antibes with the Duchess of Denby and Countess Volpe, and we took off our blouses - in private, of course - and looked at each other's titties. [laughs] My, how we laughed!

Laura Henderson:
Do you find these women attractive?

Bertie:
Some of them are very pretty.

Laura Henderson:
Oh yes, I can certainly see that, but do they intrigue you as a man?

Bertie:
Ah... I have other inclinations.

Laura Henderson:
Oh... OH! How delicious!

Laura Henderson:
Tommy, you're so literal. You're thinking bosoms, but I'm thinking breasts.

Lord Cromer:
And what, my dear, is the difference?

Laura Henderson:
Ah, the difference is in your soul.

Vivian Van Damm:
What you are suggesting isn't possible. That kind of thing isn't done here. Nudity? In England?

Jane:
[sung] So you lie awake just singing the blues all night, goody goody! So you think that love's a barrel of dynamite!

Laura Henderson:
France is just full of naked women covered in bananas and, I dare say, making everyone else go bananas as well.

Lord Cromer:
Our intelligence tells me that Germany is going to bomb London.

Laura Henderson:
*My* intelligence tells me that.

[last lines]

Vivian Van Damm:
Listen you old battle-axe!

Laura Henderson:
Don't you dare talk to me like that!

Laura Henderson:
Why, Mr. Van Damm, you are jewish!