Muppet Treasure Island

Billy Bones:
Beware lad, beware.

Jim Hawkins:
What, the one-legged man?

Billy Bones:
Aye, but also, beware running with scissors or any other pointy object. It's all good fun, until someone loses an eye.

Rizzo:
What's wrong?

Gonzo:
It just feels so weird.

Rizzo:
You mean that Mr. Arrow's dead?

Gonzo:
Yeah, that... and my pants are filled with starfish.

Rizzo:
You and your hobbies.

Statler:
"Take a cruise," you said. "See the world," you said. Now here we are, stuck on the front of this stupid ship.

Waldorf:
Well, it could be worse. We could be stuck in the audience.

Zoot:
I'm confused. Are we with the pirates or with the frog captain?

Floyd:
Just play the gig, man. Never get involved in politics.

Animal:
Politics! Politics!

Rizzo:
Captured by crazed wild boars and about to be sacrificed hideously before a pagan altar.

Gonzo:
Are we lucky or what?

Gonzo:
One leg, Jim, count'em, one.

Benjamina Gunn:
You left me standing at the altar.

Captain Abraham Smollett:
I was on a ship headed for Zanzibar. I got cold feet.

Benjamina Gunn:
You're a frog. You're supposed to have cold feet.

Benjamina Gunn:
All right. No more Ms. Nice Guy.

Rizzo:
It's some kind of a blind fiend.

Gonzo:
I believe they prefer visually challenged fiend.

Rizzo:
He died? And this is supposed to be a kids' movie.

Rizzo:
I've gone way beyond afraid. Right now I'm somewhere between bedwetting and a near death experience.

Gonzo:
I'm getting taller. This is cool; I may have a future in the NBA

Captain Abraham Smollett:
Who hired this crew? This is undoubtedly the seediest bunch of cutthroats, villains and scoundrels I have ever seen, so who hired them?

Captain Abraham Smollett:
Your finger hired the crew?

Squire Trelawney:
No, that's silly. The man who *lives* in my finger hired the crew.

Benjamina Gunn:
You can't hurt my frog.

Billy Bones:
How does she bloody do that?

Mr. Samuel Erroll:
That will be 40 lashes and then you walk the plank.

Captain Abraham Smollett:
I didn't say that, Mr. Arrow.

Mr. Samuel Erroll:
I was anticipating your whim, Sir.

Gonzo:
I thought pirates had talking parrots as pets.

Long John Silver:
Talking... parrots?

Polly Lobster:
What an imagination. First pirates, now talking parrots, what's next - a singing, dancing mouse with his own amusement park?

Rizzo:
If you're going to be the cook on this ship, Mr. Silver, I am definitely going to need bigger pants.

Polly Lobster:
I could have been a lawyer, but I just had too much heart.

Clueless Morgan:
I have a lovely recipe for blackened rat.

Jim Hawkins:
That's the raging volcano? He's just a frog.

Rizzo:
Maybe he gets hopping mad.

Jim Hawkins:
I hate my life.

Gonzo:
I hate your life, too.

Rizzo:
If I had a life, I'd hate it.

Long John Silver:
Aw, hell, Jim. I could never harm you. You're honest and brave and true. You didn't learn that from me.

Jim Hawkins:
I learned it from my friends, Mr. Silver. Now, take your oars and row away. I never want to see you again. Ever.

Jim Hawkins:
Kill Captain Smollett, and you'll have to kill me.

Gonzo:
Kill Jim, and you'll have to kill me.

Squire Trelawney:
Kill Gonzo, and you'll have to kill me.

Rizzo:
Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr. Bimbo, and you'll have to... negotiate strenuously.

Benjamina Gunn:
Going somewhere, John-John?

Long John Silver:
Well, Master Hawkins, it seems that your little family has come together against me.

Spa'am:
Hmm... we see you have boom-boom sticks... bye bye.

Long John Silver:
Upstage, lads. This is my only number.

Polly Lobster:
Give it to him.

Clueless Morgan:
(Confused) But, um, it's not even his Birthday...

Rizzo:
The ocean. You know, the big blue wet thing.

Mr. Samuel Erroll:
Big Fat Bug-Faced Baby-Eating O'Brian.

Mr. Samuel Erroll:
Angel Marie.

Statler:
Waldorf, you old fool! We're heroes! We saved the pig and the frog.

Waldorf:
Well, it was too late to save the movie.

Gonzo:
Off to Zanzibar, to meet the Zanzibarbarians!

Squire Trelawney:
Gentlemen, this is a genuine bona-fide treasure map.

Jim Hawkins:
Really?

Squire Trelawney:
Oh, yes. Mr. Bimbo told me so.

Squire Trelawney:
Oh, Mr. Bimbo is the man who lives inside my finger. He is very smart. He's been to the moon.

Squire Trelawney:
Oh... twice.

Rizzo:
I smell a bozo.

Mr. Samuel Erroll:
Boogie, boogie, boogie. I am the ghost of Samuel Arrow. Boogie!

Captain Abraham Smollett:
Bejamiana, I'm sorry.

Benjamina Gunn:
SORRY? No, pal, sorry doesn't cut it. You left me standing on the ALTAR! My mother had come all the way from France! I was wearing her white heirloom wedding dress! THE CAKE WAS FILLED WITH LEMON CUSTARD!

Mr. Samuel Erroll:
Anyone caught dawdling will be shot on sight.

Captain Abraham Smollett:
I didn't say that, Mr. Erroll.

Mr. Samuel Erroll:
I was just paraphrasing, sir.

Long John Silver:
Well, Benjamina, this seems to be your day for renewing old... acquaintances.

Captain Abraham Smollett:
Oh, no! Him too?

Benjamina Gunn:
Well, maybe if you married me...

Polly Lobster:
Maybe Clueless Morgan is right. Maybe this is a cursed place.

Long John Silver:
I'll show you cursed, you yellow-bellied, toffee-hearted, lily-livered, little wuss of a crustacean!

Billy Bones:
(opening lines) I was Flint's first mate on that voyage, three days east of Tortuga, in the Caribbean. Flint knew an island. That's where we buried the treasure. Gold and blood – they were Flint's trademarks. He'd leave both behind him, that day.

Blind Pew:
Aha, Billy Bones! It's me, Blind Pew! I know you're here, Billy. Ya sniveling coward!

Rizzo:
It's some kind of blind fiend!

[Billy Bones is gesturing frantically for them to be quiet]

Gonzo:
I believe they prefer 'visually challenged fiend'.

Blind Pew:
I heard that! There's someone here! No? Over here? Ah, over here! (clutches a moose head) Aha, Billy Bones! I'd know that scurvy mug of yours anywhere.

Jim Hawkins:
Excuse me, sir, but the bar's closed--

Blind Pew:
(grabs Jim) Ah! Mmm. Aha, a pretty little girl is it? Yes. Take me to Billy Bones, my pet.

Jim Hawkins:
(Bones slowly raises his pistol) You've come to the wrong place. There's no Billy Bones here, and I'm not a girl.

Blind Pew:
Oh, I may be visually challenged, but I can see you're lying! (Bones c*cks his pistol. Blind Pew promptly turns his head to the sound and then spins quickly to Bones, knocking his arm aside, causing the pistol to fire away from Blind Pew) Good evening, Bill. I know it's you. Yes, you thought you could get away with it, didn't you? Just take it all for yourself, and leave your shipmates with nothing. We're not pleased with that, Bill, not at all. We want you... to have this! (He gives Billy Bones the Black Spot)

Billy Bones:
[grabbing Gonzo by the nose] Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim! Ya always been a decent sort to old Billy Bones...

Gonzo:
But I'm not "Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim"! He's "Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim"!

Billy Bones:
[grabbing Jim by the collar] Jim!

Jim Hawkins:
Yes, Captain?

Billy Bones:
Jim-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim...

Jim Hawkins:
Yes, Captain, what is it?!

Billy Bones:
Take the map!

Jim Hawkins:
What map?

Billy Bones:
The map to old Flint's treasure! Don't ya understand what I've been tellin' ya?! I was Flinty's first mate! We all were, Blind Pew and me! Ah, me old shipmates - they'll gully me for sure, and anybody else to get their mitts on that map!

Rizzo:
And gullying hurts, right?

Billy Bones:
Oh, aye! A LOT!

Jim Hawkins:
It is a treasure map!

Gonzo:
[with dollar signs in his eyes] We're gonna be rich...

Rizzo:
[with crosses in his eyes] We're gonna be dead...

Billy Bones:
Beware lads! Beware!

Jim Hawkins:
What, the one-legged man?

Billy Bones:
Aye. But also, beware runnin' with scissors or any other pointy objects. It's all good fun, 'til somebody loses an-- AAAAAAGH! [dies]

Jim Hawkins:
Captain?!

Gonzo:
[gulps]

Rizzo:
We're standing in a room with a dead guy!

[Jim, Gonzo and Rizzo all scream and flee the room]

Mr. Arrow:
Roll call! [reads from list] Long John Silver?

Long John Silver:
Aye aye, sir!

Mr. Arrow:
Short Stack Stevens?

Short Stack Stevens:
Aye!

Mr. Arrow:
One-Eyed Jack?

One-Eyed Jack:
Aye.

Mr. Arrow:
Black-Eyed Pea?

Black-Eyed Pea:
Here.

Mr. Arrow:
Walleyed Pike!

Walleyed Pike:
Aye.

Mr. Arrow:
Polly Lobster!

[Polly squawks and whistles]

Mr. Arrow:
Mad Monty!

Mad Monte:
Aye.

Mr. Arrow:
Sweetums!

Sweetums:
[from behind them] AYE.

[the captain and Mr. Arrow jump]

Mr. Arrow:
...Old Tom.

Old Tom:
Aye aye.

Mr. Arrow:
Real Old Tom.

[puppet controls Real Old Tom]

Real Old Tom:
Aye!

Mr. Arrow:
Dead Tom.

[same puppet controls a skeleton]

Dead Tom:
Aye aye!!

[Captain Smollett shudders]

Gonzo:
Cool!

Mr. Arrow:
...Clueless Morgan!

Clueless Morgan:
Huh?

Mr. Arrow:
Headless Bill! ...Headless Bill! [everyone's looking around; they spot a headless puppet saluting; officers stand aghast for a moment] Big Fat Ugly Bug-Faced Baby-Eating O'Brien?

Woman:
[deep voice] Aye.

[officers jaws drop; they recover]

Mr. Arrow:
Angel Marie.

Angel Marie:
[an ugly creature] Aye. Aye.

Captain Smollett:
Hmm... hmm... Gentlemen, may I see you in my cabin? Immediately?

Captain Smollett:
WHO HIRED THIS CREW?! This is undoubtedly the seediest bunch of cutthroats, villains and scoundrels I've ever seen, SO WHO HIRED 'EM?! [pants] [Jim and officers point at Trelawney, who in turn points at his finger] Your finger hired the crew?

Trelawney:
No, that's silly. The man who lives in my finger hired the crew - Mr. Bimble. What? Ah. He relied heavily on the advice of our excellent cook, Long John Silver.

[Smollett slumps back in his chair]

Captain Smollett:
Our cook, and a guy who lives in a bear's finger?

Trelawney:
Exactly!

[Mr. Arrow faceplams]

Captain Smollett:
I'm starting to worry about this voyage.

Mudwell the Mudbunny:
[sobbing] Dead Tom's dead. Long John shot him!

Walleyed Pike:
But Dead Tom's always been dead. That's why he's called Dead Tom.

Mudwell the Mudbunny:
Oh.

[Mudwell tosses the Dead Tom puppet aside. Silver rolls his eyes.]

Benjamina Gunn:
Of all the backwater, no-class piles of sand in the ocean, you had to wash up on mine.

Captain Abraham Smollett:
Benjamina, I just want you to know that I'm sorry.

Benjamina Gunn:
Sorry? No, "sorry" doesn't cut it. You left me standing at the altar!

Captain Abraham Smollett:
I was on a ship headed for Zanzibar. I got cold feet.

Benjamina Gunn:
You're a frog. You're supposed to have cold feet! My mother came all the way from France. I was wearing her white lace dress. The cake was filled with lemon custard!

Captain Abraham Smollett:
Mina? Fate has brought us together again. Well, actually, buried treasure and pirates brought us together--

Benjamina Gunn:
Don't you start with me about pirates! After you jilted me, I took up with this Bernie Flint. The man was totally co-dependent!

Captain Abraham Smollett:
You and Captain Flint...?

Benjamina Gunn:
Well, he was a pirate, I was a lady. You know the story. Smolley? He marooned me! MEEEEEE! (Starts sobbing)

Captain Abraham Smollett:
Oh, this is all my fault! What have I done to you?

Benjamina Gunn:
All right. No More Ms. Nice Guy. No one maroons me and gets away with it!

(Smollet is sword fighting Silver, and has been able to cut off parts of his clothing during it; Smollet contently swings his sword while casually humming)

Long John Silver:
Excuse me!

Captain Smollet:
Pardon? [Distracted, he loses his sword] Uh...I'm a frog. You know, slippery hands? [Silver gives an evil grin and points his sword at Smollet's throat] Erm... Y'know, I never really believed violence solved anything.

Long John Silver:
Oh, really? Allow me to disagree with you, Captain.

Jim Hawkins:
(appears with sword) Kill Catain Smollet and you'll have to kill me.

Gonzo:
(also appears) Kill Jim and you'll have to kill me.

Trelawney:
(also appears) Kill Gonzo and you'll have to kill me.

Rizzo:
(also appears) Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr. Bimbo and you'll have to... negotiate strenuously.

(Jim catches Silver escaping in the lifeboat)

Jim Hawkins:
Silver!

Long John Silver:
I suppose you'll be blowing the whistle on me now, won't you, Jim?

Jim Hawkins:
I suppose I will. You have to return to Bristol to stand trial. (raises his whistle)

Long John Silver:
Oh, I'm sorry, Jim. (aims his pistol at him) I got a terrible fear of hanging. We're shipmates, aren't we,Jim? Gentlemen of fortune, together. Give us one more chance? (Jim does not drop his whistle, Silver lowers his pistol) Oh, hell,Jim. I could never harm you. You're honest and brave and true. You didn't learn that from me.

Jim Hawkins:
I learnt it from my friends, Mr Silver. Now take your oars and row away. I never want to see you again, ever.

Long John Silver:
Oh, Jim! (he throws Jim his compass and rows off) 'Tis a shame, really. We'd have made a great team, Jim.

Captain Smollett:
Here's the plan. Once the pirates are ashore, we take the Hispaniola back to Bristol, and leave them stranded on Treasure Island.

Doctor:
Excellent plan.

Rizzo:
Except for one thing: the pirates have Jim!