Napoleon Dynamite

Napoleon Dynamite:
Whatever I feel like I wanna do. Gosh!

Napoleon Dynamite:
Gosh!

Napoleon Dynamite:
?k. Bye!

Napoleon Dynamite:
So, we're pretty much friends by now, right?

Pedro:
Yes.

Napoleon Dynamite:
So, you got my back and everything, right?

Pedro:
What?

Napoleon Dynamite:
You wanna play me?

Napoleon Dynamite:
Lucky.

Napoleon Dynamite:
I spent like three hours doing shading the upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.

Trisha:
Yeah... it's really... neat.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.

Uncle Rico:
She didn't tell me anything.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Too bad, she said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak.

Uncle Rico:
I'm not goin' anywhere, Napoleon.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Get off my property!

Uncle Rico:
It's a free country. I can do whatever I want.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you.

Uncle Rico:
Well then do it! Go on!

Napoleon Dynamite:
Maybe I will, GOSH!

Napoleon Dynamite:
Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip.

Kip:
Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.

Kip:
Try and hit me, Napoleon.

Napoleon Dynamite:
What?

Kip:
I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.

Uncle Rico:
So what do you think?

Kip:
It's pretty cool, I guess.

Uncle Rico:
Ohhhh, man I wish I could go back in time. I'd take state.

Napoleon Dynamite:
This is pretty much the worst video ever made.

Kip:
Napoleon, like anyone can even know that.

Uncle Rico:
You know what, Napoleon? You can leave.

Napoleon Dynamite:
You guys are retarded!

Rex:
At Rex Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times. Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan over here?

Rex:
Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self respect. You think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it!

Don:
Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?

Napoleon Dynamite:
I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!

Don:
Did you shoot any?

Napoleon Dynamite:
Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?

Don:
What kind of gun did you use?

Napoleon Dynamite:
A freakin' 12-gauge, what do you think?

Deb:
And here we have some boondoggle key chains. A must-have for this season's fashion.

Napoleon Dynamite:
I already made like infinity of those at scout camp.

Napoleon Dynamite:
You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bo staff.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Well, I have all your equipment in my locker. You should probably come get it cause I can't fit my numchucks in there anymore.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Do the chickens have large talons?

Farmer:
Do they have what?

Napoleon Dynamite:
Large talons.

Farmer:
I don't understand a word you just said.

Pedro:
Do you think people will vote for me?

Napoleon Dynamite:
Heck yes! I'd vote for you.

Pedro:
Like what are my skills?

Napoleon Dynamite:
Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.

Trisha:
I wanted to thank you for the beautiful drawing you did of me.

Trisha:
It's hanging in my *bedroom*.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Really? It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.

Rex:
I'm Rex, founder of the Rex Kwan Do self-defense system! After one week with me in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.

Napoleon Dynamite:
How long did it take you to grow that moustache?

Pedro:
A couple of days.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Pedro, how do you feel about that one?

Pedro:
It looks nice.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Yeah, it looks pretty sweet. It looks awesome. That suit, it's... it's incredible.

Uncle Rico:
What about your girlfriend?

Kip:
Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious.

Napoleon Dynamite:
You know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills... Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.

Grandma:
How was school?

Napoleon Dynamite:
The worst day of my life, what do you think?

Deb:
What are you drawing?

Napoleon Dynamite:
A liger.

Deb:
What's a liger?

Napoleon Dynamite:
It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Tina, you fat lard, come get some DINNER!... Tina, eat. Food. Eat the FOOD!

Napoleon Dynamite:
Tina, come get some ham.

Deb:
Are they still letting you run for president?

Pedro:
Yes. I don't understand... they say you're not allowed to have pinatas that look like real people, but in Mexico, we do it all the time.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Pedro offers you his protection.

Napoleon Dynamite:
I caught you a delicious bass.

Pedro:
If I win, you can be my secretary or something.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Sweet!

Napoleon Dynamite:
Why would I want to buy any of this girly crap?

Trisha:
I'm trying to make some money so that I could go to college.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Your mom goes to college!

Napoleon Dynamite:
What can I have for dinner? Kip ate the last frozen dinner!

Grandma:
Make yourself a dang quesadilla!

Pedro:
Vote for me, and all your wildest dreams will come true.

Kip:
LaFawnduh is *the* best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm 100% positive she's my soul mate. Don't worry Napoleon, I'm sure there's a babe out there for you too. Peace out.

Uncle Rico:
How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?... Yeah... Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.

Napoleon Dynamite:

Napoleon Dynamite:
I like your sleeves. They're real big.

Deb:
Thank you. I made them myself.

Napoleon Dynamite:
So you and Pedro getting really serious now?

Kip:
I'm just really trying to raise a few bucks now so I can bring her out for a few days.

Uncle Rico:
Yeah, well what does she look like?

Kip:
She's uh... she's got sandy blonde hair. She's uh... pretty good looking face, but I'm just getting really... just kinda TO'd because... I mean she hasn't even sent me a full body shot yet.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Well, what is there to eat?

Grandma:
Knock it off, Napoleon! Just make yourself a dang quesa-dilluh!

Deb:
It's Deb. And I'm calling to let you know that I think you're a shallow friend.

Napoleon Dynamite:
What the heck are you even talking about?

Napoleon Dynamite:
Deb just called me. She pretty much hates me by now.

Pedro:
Why?

Napoleon Dynamite:
Because my uncle Rico's an IDIOT.

Pedro:
Do you have anything to give to her?

Napoleon Dynamite:
No. Not unless she likes fish.

Pedro:
Who was that?

Napoleon Dynamite:
Trisha.

Pedro:
Who's she?

Napoleon Dynamite:
My woman I'm taking to the dance.

Pedro:
Did you draw her a picture?

Napoleon Dynamite:
Heck yes I did.

Napoleon Dynamite:
My old girlfriend from Oklahoma was gonna fly out for the dance but she couldn't cause she's doing some modeling right now.

Pedro:
Is she hot?

Napoleon Dynamite:
See for yourself.

Pedro:
Wow.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Yeah, I took her to the mall to get some glamor shots for her birthday one year.

Pedro:
I like her bangs.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Me too.

Principal Svadean:
Look, Pedro, I don't know how they do things down in Juarez, but here in Idaho we have a little something called pride. Understand? Smashing in the face of a pinata that resembles Summer Wheatley is a disgrace to you, me, and the entire Gem State.

Kip:
Why do you love me? Why do you need me? Always and forever... We met in a chatroom, now our love can fully bloom... Sure the world wide web is great, but you, you make my salivate... I love technology, but not as much as you, you see... But I STILL love technology... Always and forever. Our love is like a flock of doves, flying up to heaven above... always and forever, always and forever... Why do you need me? Why do you love me? Always and forever...

Napoleon Dynamite:
What are you doing here, Uncle Rico?

Uncle Rico:
Grandma took a little spill at the sand dunes today. Broke her coccyx.

Uncle Rico:
Kip, I reckon... you know a lot about... cyberspace? You ever come across anything... like time travel?

Kip:
Easy, I've already looked into it for myself.

Uncle Rico:
Right on... right on.

Kip:
So are you ready?

Napoleon Dynamite:
Yeah, hold on... I forgot to put in the crystals.

Uncle Rico:
Just a little east of the cemetery is a good little area, but don't go down here cause they don't have any money.

Kip:
So how long are we talking about working?

Uncle Rico:
What are you already losing your steam?

Kip:
No, I just... I have a chat room meeting at 4. I gotta be back here by then.

Uncle Rico:
All right, you just start a little earlier, that's all. Or else work afterwards. How long is the chat room?

Kip:
Jeez, sometimes up to 3-4 hours maybe... Maybe not.

Uncle Rico:
You pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on, like for minutes on the phone?

Kip:
Yeah, grandma's still paying per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes cause I'm on there so long.

Uncle Rico:
I bet she does. I'll tell you something, I'd be throwing you out the window.

Kip:
So when's grandma coming back?

Uncle Rico:
I don't know. Not sure.

Napoleon Dynamite:
You don't have to stay here with us, we're not babies.

Uncle Rico:
Ha ha! Talk to your Auntie Carolyn.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Kip is like 32 years old.

Kip:
I don't mind if you stay.

Teacher:
Your current event, Napoleon.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.

Uncle Rico:
Napoleon, you know we can't afford the fun pack. What, do you think money grows on trees in this family? Take it back! And get some Pampers for you and your brother while you're at it.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Sorry I'm late. I just got done taming a wild honeymoon stallion for you guys.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Who are you?

LaFawnduh:
I'm LaFawnduh.

Napoleon Dynamite:
What are you doing here?

LaFawnduh:
I'm waiting for Kip.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Kip?

LaFawnduh:
Why are you so sweaty?

Napoleon Dynamite:
I've been practicing.

LaFawnduh:
Mmmm. Practicing what?

Napoleon Dynamite:
Some dance moves.

LaFawnduh:
You like dancing?

Napoleon Dynamite:
Yes.

Uncle Rico:
We also need someway to make us look official, like we got all the answers.

Kip:
How bout some gold bracelets?

Uncle Rico:
We need like some name tags with our picture on it, all laminated and what not. I mean, we gotta look legit man.

Kip:
That's true, that's true.

Uncle Rico:
I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Napoleon.

Napoleon Dynamite:
I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up!

Uncle Rico:
I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now. While you're out there playing patty cake with your friend Pedro, your Uncle Rico is makin' 120 bucks.

Napoleon Dynamite:
I could make that much money in five seconds!

Kip:
Geez. Yeah right, Napoleon. I made, like, 75 bucks today.

Uncle Rico:
Napoleon, it's looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you get out there and feed Tina.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap!

Napoleon Dynamite:
Tina, you fat lard, come get some DINNER!

Napoleon Dynamite:
The defect in this one is Bleach.

Farmer Judges:
Correct!

Napoleon Dynamite:
Yes!

Napoleon Dynamite:
This one tastes like the cow got into an onion patch

[First lines]

Vern:
What are you going to do today, Napoleon?

Napoleon:
Whatever I feel like I wanna do. Gosh! (Ties a string to his action figure and chucks it out the window)

Napoleon:
Who are you?

Lafawnduh:
I'm Lafawnduh.

Napoleon:
What are you doing here?

Lafawnduh:
I'm waiting for Kip. Why are you so sweaty?

Napoleon:
Been practicing.

Lafawnduh:
Practicing what?

Napoleon:
My dance moves. [dramatically turns his head and takes a swig of Gatorade]

Napoleon:
Hey, can I use your guys's phone for a sec?

Secretary:
Is there anything wrong?

Napoleon:
I don't feel very good. [Secretary pushes telephone towards Napoleon and he dials number]

Kip:
[on other line] Hi.

Napoleon:
Is Grandma there?

Kip:
No, she's getting her hair done.

Napoleon:
[prolonged sigh]

Kip:
What do you need?

Napoleon:
Can you just go get her for me?

Kip:
I'm really busy right now. [he's making nachos]

Napoleon:
Just tell her to come get me.

Kip:
Why?

Napoleon:
'Cause I don't feel good!

Kip:
Well, have you talked to the school nurse?

Napoleon:
No, she doesn't know anything... Will you just come get me?

Kip:
No.

Napoleon:
Well, will you do me a favor then? Can you bring me my ChapStick?

Kip:
No, Napoleon.

Napoleon:
But my lips hurt real bad!

Kip:
Just borrow some from the school nurse. I know she has, like, five sticks in her drawer.

Napoleon:
I'm not gonna use hers, you sicko!

Kip:
See ya. (Hangs up)

Napoleon:
Ugh! Idiot!

Napoleon:
Do you ride the bus to school?

Pedro:
No, I ride my bike.

Napoleon:
What kind of bike do you have?

[cut to them with bike]

Pedro:
It's a Sledgehammer.

Napoleon:
Dang! You got shocks... pegs... Lucky! (Also notices the Flag of Mexico on the back of the seat) You ever take it off any sweet jumps?

Uncle Rico:
Back in '82, I used to be able to toss a pigskin a quarter mile.

Kip:
Are you serious?

Uncle Rico:
I'm dead serious.

Napoleon:
How long did it take you to grow that mustache?

Pedro:
A couple of days.

Napoleon:
I wish I could grow one. [chomps into a tater tot]

Napoleon:
Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip!

Kip:
Napoleon, don't be jealous 'cause I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to become a cage fighter.

Napoleon:
Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.

Kip:
Try and hit me, Napoleon.

Napoleon:
What?

Kip:
I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.

Napoleon:
[comes down the stairs] Such an idiot!

Kip:
C'mon, let's see what your best move is...

[After Napoleon tries and fails to hit Kip a few times, the doorbell rings]

Napoleon:
I'll go get it. [Slaps Kip in the face while he's not looking]

Kip:
Geeeez!

Deb:
And here we have some boondoggle keychains. A must-have for this season's fashion.

Napoleon:
I already made like affinity [sic] of those at scout camp.

Deb:
Well, is anyone else here? I'm trying to earn money for college.

Kip:
[in the background] Your mom goes to college!

[Deb shoves the case into Napoleon's hands and runs away]

Napoleon:
Well, what is there to eat?

Grandma:
Knock it off, Napoleon! Make yourself a dang quesadilla! [pronounces it "case-a-dill-a"]

Napoleon:
Fine!

Napoleon:
So me and you are pretty much friends by now, right?

Pedro:
Yes.

Napoleon:
[recalling the tenets of Rex Kwon Do] So you got my back and everything?

Pedro:
What?

Napoleon:
Never mind.

[during class]

Randy:
Napoleon, give me some of your tots.

Napoleon:
No, go find your own.

Randy:
Come on. Give me some of your tots.

Napoleon:
No. I'm freakin' starved. I didn't get to eat anything today.

[Randy kicks Napoleon's pants pocket, ruining the tater tots]

Napoleon:
Ugh. Gross. Freakin' idiot!

[deleted scene]

Don:
[playing kickball] Hey, Napoleon. Did you wet the bed last night?

Napoleon:
Hey, Don. Did you take a dump in your bed last night?

Don:
I could kick your butt, Napoleon, so I'd shut up.

Napoleon:
Why don't you go tell your mom to shut up?

Don:
What did you just say?

Napoleon:
Whatever I feel like I wanna say!

Don:
Did you just say something about my mom?

Napoleon:
Maybe I did, maybe I didn't!

Don:
Do you wanna die, Napoleon?

Napoleon:
Yeah, right. Who's the only one here who knows illegal ninja moves from the government?

Don:
[steps up to Napoleon] Step up, Napoleon.

[Napoleon slaps him, then runs away.]

Napoleon:
[referring to the dance] Who are you gonna ask?

Pedro:
That girl over there.

Napoleon:
Summer Wheatly? How the heck are you gonna do that?

Pedro:
Build her a cake or something.

[talking about the school-president election]

Pedro:
If I win, you can be my secretary or something.

Napoleon:
Sweet!

Napoleon Dynamite:
[Looks at a wig] That one looks like a medieval warrior.

Napoleon Dynamite:
Do the chickens have large talons?

Napoleon Dynamite:
[To Deb] I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? Because you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to. Well, I have all your equipment in my locker. You should probably come get it cause I can't fit my nunchucks in there anymore.

Napoleon Dynamite:
[While hitting a tetherball repeatedly] (*hit*) YES! (*hit*) YES! (*hit*) YES!

Napoleon Dynamite:
Are you guys having a killer time?

Napoleon Dynamite:
[To Deb] I like your sleeves... they're real big.

Napoleon Dynamite:
[To Pedro] Just listen to your heart. That's what I do.

Napoleon Dynamite:
What the heck are you even talking about?

Napoleon Dynamite:
You got like three feet of air that time. Can I try it really quick?

Napoleon Dynamite:
Six dollars? That's like a dollar an hour!

Napoleon Dynamite:
[To Kip and LaFawnduh at wedding] I hope you guys' experiences are unforgettable.

Napoleon Dynamite:
[To Kip and LaFawnduh] LUCKY!!

Kip:
[Whispering while typing] I love the way your sandy hair floats in the air... To me it's like a lullaby... I'm just flying by... Oh so high... like a kite... tied to a stake.

Kip:
I'm just getting kinda TO'd. I mean, she hasn't even sent me a full body shot yet.

Kip:
How 'bout some gold bracelets?

Kip:
I've been out making some sweet moolah with Uncle Rico.

Kip:
Napoleon, let go of me! I think you're bruising my neck meat!

Kip:
Geez, I think you ripped my mole off.

Kip:
You're just jealous 'cause I've been chatting online with babes all day.

Rex:
Bow to your sensei. BOW TO YOUR SENSEI!

Rex:
Grab my arm. The other arm. MY other arm!

Rex:
My name is Rex. If you study with my eight-week program, you will learn the system of self-defense that I developed over two seasons fighting in the Octagon. It's called Rex Kwon Do. I need a volunteer...

Rex:
Just break the wrist, and walk away. Break the wrist; walk away.

Rex:
[To Rico, after he arrives home to find him trying to sell herbal breast enhancers to Starla] C'MERE, BOY!!

Uncle Rico:
Hey, you guys wanna see my video?

Uncle Rico:
Kip, I reckon you know a lot about...cyberspace?

Uncle Rico:
Billowy's good.

Summer:
[Her class president campaign speech] Well, I never thought I would make it here today. I would make a great class president because I promise to put two new pop machines in the cafeteria, and I'm also gonna get a glitter Bonne Bell dispenser for all the girls' bathrooms. Oh, and we're gonna get new cheerleading uniforms. Anyway, I think I'd be a great class president. So, who wants to eat chimichangas next year? Not me. See, with me it will be summer all year long. Vote for Summer.

Pedro:
[His class president campaign speech] I don't have much to say, but I think it would be good to have some Holy Santos brought to the high school, to guard the hallway and to bring us good luck. El Santo Niño de Atocha is a good one. My Aunt Concha has seen him. And we have a great FFA schedule lined up, and I'd like to see more of that. If you vote for me, all of your wildest dreams will come true. Thank you.

Lyle:
[Fumbles with shotgun as he prepares to slaughter cow] Nothin' on here works smooth.

Lyle:
[Making small talk] Over there in that creek bed I found a couple of Shoshoni arrowheads.

Lyle:
[Officiating a wedding] I would like to give you this advice that a fellow gave me some years ago. He said, "When an argument arises, if you go outside and take a nice walk, you'll calm down and you can come back, and it won't be an argument. And you'll find that it helps your health; all that fresh air and exercise will do you a lot of good."

Uncle Rico:
How does the dealio sound now?