Night at the Museum

Easter Island Head:
Oh, you in trouble, Dum-Dum. You'd better run-run from Attila the Hun-Hun!

Easter Island Head:
ME no dum-dum, YOU dum-dum! You bring me gum-gum?

Easter Island Head:
QUIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET! My dum-dum want to speak.

Jedediah Smith:
I told you, I don't like to be manhandled!

Octavius:
We may be small, but our hearts are large... metaphorically speaking.

Gus:
AH! Where is he?! I'll beat him with my fists! [Sees Larry] He looks like a weirdie!

Gus:
Sweet dreams, cupcake! Pile-driver!

Teddy Roosevelt:
Good lord, Lawrence, why are you slapping a monkey?

Teddy Roosevelt:
Actually, I never did any of those things. Teddy Roosevelt did. I was manufactured in a mannequin factory in Poughkeepsie. I never shot a wild beast. I'm not even brave enough to tell that beautiful woman [Sacagawea] I love her. But you... you gotta finish the job this time. You can't quit. I'm made of wax, Larry. What are you made of?

Larry Daley:
Ah - Teddy Roosevelt.

Rebecca:
Yes. A great visionary.

Larry:
Yes, definitely. He was our fourth president, right?

Rebecca:
Twenty-sixth.

Larry:
Twenty-sixth.

[Larry jumps out from behind a wall and screams, scaring the other guards.]

Cecil:
We're too old for surprises.

Larry:
Really? I thought you liked surprises! Especially the fact that everything in the museum comes to life at night! That little sweetheart.

Teddy Roosevelt:
Theodore Roosevelt, 26th President of these United States of America, at your service.

Larry:
Okay. I'm Larry Daley, the new night guard...

Teddy Roosevelt:
Pleasure to meet you, Lawrence! Now, if you excuse me [c*cks shotgun], the hunt is afoot.

Larry:
[mutters] Hunt's afoot.

Larry:
Okay, Dexter. No hard feelings, okay?

[Dexter, a monkey, slaps Larry. Larry raises his hand to slap Dexter.]

Teddy Roosevelt:
[threateningly] Lawrence...

Larry:
But... you saw!

Teddy Roosevelt:
Who is evolved?

Larry:
[muttering] I am...

Teddy Roosevelt:
Who is evolved?

Larry:
I am!

This Christmas, It Won't Be A Silent Night.

When The Lights Go Off, It's On!

Where History Comes To Life.

At The Museum of Natural History, Something Unnatural Is Happening.

See The Side Of The Museum You Won't See On The Tour.

Larry Daley:
Ah — Teddy Roosevelt.

Rebecca:
Yes. A great visionary.

Larry Daley:
Yes, definitely. He was our 4th president, right?

Rebecca:
26th.

Larry Daley:
26th.

Dr. McPhee:
Please don't touch the exhibits! I mean, riffraff. Mrs. Hutman, I cannot tolerate this type of chaos. I mean, this is a museum, not a... Do you know what museum means? It doesn't mean, "Ooh, Daddy, it's a big tyrannosaurus thing. Can I touch its dick?" No! It... Work it out, please.

Rebecca:
Will do, sir.

Dr. McPhee:
Thank you.

Rebecca:
Dr. McPhee, our museum director.

Larry Daley:
Hmm, seems like a fun guy.

Dr. McPhee:
Control your young, please! Can we? Oh!

Cecil:
Larry. Your keys, your torch.

Larry Daley:
Right.

Cecil:
You're gonna wanna strap those to your belt. Now, it can get a little spooky around here at night, so you might wanna put a few lights on. All right, flashlight, keys. What am I for...? Oh. The instruction manual.

Gus:
Instructions. You start with one, two, three...

Larry Daley:
Four?

Gus:
Are you crackin' wise? I oughta punch you in the nose, hopscotch.

Reginald:
Leave him alone, Gus. You got it covered, right, Larry?

Larry Daley:
Yeah, yeah, I got it.

Gus:
You better get it!

Cecil:
Gus. Larry, do them in order, do them all and do them quick. And the most important thing of all to remember: don't let anything in or out.

Larry Daley:
Out?

Cecil:
Good luck, son.

Larry Daley:
'Night, Gus.

Gus:
Young f***, crackin' wise.

Cecil:
Moving on.

[Larry jumps out from behind a wall and screams, "scaring" the other guards.]

Cecil:
We're too old for surprises.

Larry Daley:
Really? I thought you liked surprises! Especially the fact that everything in the museum comes to life at night! That little... sweetheart.

Cecil:
Larry, we wanted to tell you. You never would have believed us.

Larry Daley:
Do you have any idea what I've been through tonight?

Gus:
What?

Larry Daley:
I said, do you have any idea what I've been through tonight, Gus?

Gus:
Keep a lid on it, butterscotch!

Larry Daley:
I don't even know if what happened was real or not, but I did not sign up for this. I just need a regular job that... that is not life-threatening and pays my bills. So thank you very much, and I left my uniform in the office, and I will be seeing you.

Gus:
Larry! Bah.

Reginald:
Hey, Larry.

Larry Daley:
So, I was thinking maybe I'll give it one more night.

Cecil:
I'm glad you came around. Welcome back.

Dr. McPhee:
You! New night guard, here, now.

Larry Daley:
What's up?

Dr. McPhee:
"What's up?" Oh. Well, take a walk with me, and I'll show you, Mr. "What's up". Come on. So, would you kindly do me the favor of explaining this?

Larry Daley:
Ooh. Okay. I'm guessing and I'm just spitballing here but looks like that Roman dude got cocky and climbed over into the Wild West. And that cowboy knows the Roman dude wants to take over his territory, so he rounded up a posse and put him in the stockade.

Dr. McPhee:
[laughs sarcastically] Let's all laugh at me, the comedy night guard. "No", is the answer. Sarcasm back at ya with your... humor box. I wasn't laughing. I was pretending to laugh, if that's what you want, some sort of battle of humor. Do you?

Larry Daley:
No. I don't want a... No, I don't want a battle of humor.

Dr. McPhee:
No, you don't, because it would be a bloodbath. Nothing funny about Little Bighorn. No. I find it about as funny as a "fancist". It's not funny. Okay? And I will not stand for this type of blatant... If I'm not clear, tell me. Am I clear?

Larry Daley:
Yeah.

Dr. McPhee:
Yeah.

Larry Daley:
Hey, Cecil. You got an extra copy of that instruction manual?

Cecil:
Oh, no, I'm afraid not, Larry. Listen, I'll tell you what you do. Read some books. Brush up on your history. Helped me a lot when I first started out.

Larry Daley:
Hey! Guys! Hey, guys! Hey! Guys! [snaps his fingers, which to Jed and Octavius the sound is deafening]

Jedediah and Octavius:
Ow!

Larry Daley:
Sorry. What's goin' on? What happened here? I thought we had a deal.

Octavius:
We will never coexist with these buffoons!

Jedediah:
We're past words, Laredo. Now it's time to let Smith & Wesson do the talkin'!

Octavius:
Ha! Those guns don't even work.

Jedediah:
Oh, they don't? Take a look at this.

Octavius:
Ay!

Jedediah:
Don't kick me!

Larry Daley:
Excuse me? Mr. McPhee? Excuse me, Mr. McPhee? Can I talk to you about this, please, sir?

Dr. McPhee:
What?

Larry Daley:
I know that I screwed up, but I think I finally understand how to do this job.

Dr. McPhee:
You obviously don't. That's the point.

Larry Daley:
No, I didn't, but now I do. Really, Mr. McPhee, if you just give me one...

Dr. McPhee:
Doctor.

Larry Daley:
Dr. McPhee, just... Can you please give me one more night?

Dr. McPhee:
One more night.

Larry Daley:
Okay, thank you.

Dr. McPhee:
And if anything is the tiniest after your shift... Because...

Larry Daley:
Got it.

Dr. McPhee:
Okay?

Larry Daley:
Okay.

Dr. McPhee:
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

Larry Daley:
Shame on me. Fool me... Shame on me.

Dr. McPhee:
You.

Larry Daley:
Fool me twice... Got it.

Dr. McPhee:
Take it or leave it.

Larry Daley:
Okay, thank you.

Larry Daley:
Okay, Dexter. No hard feelings, okay?

[Dexter, a capuchin monkey, slaps Larry. Larry raises his hand to slap Dexter.]

Teddy:
[threatening] Lawrence...

Larry Daley:
But... you saw!

Teddy:
Who is evolved?

Larry Daley:
[muttering] I am...

Teddy:
Who is evolved?

Larry Daley:
I am!

Teddy Roosevelt:
Good.