Night Watch

Ellen Wheeler:
Mr. Appleby, what on Earth have you been doing over there all the time.

Appleby:
I've been preparing a bed for some new friends of mine. There's no substitute for preparation. You can't just stick things in the ground and expect them to grow. This soil is poisoned. That damned obscenity of a house takes so much of our sunshine away you're lucky to get anything to grow.

John Wheeler:
Sorry I'm late. Panic on Wall Street. It seems every time the Viet Cong launch a new offensive, I'm late home for dinner.

John Wheeler:
What time is dinner?

Ellen Wheeler:
Well, I asked Delores to serve it at nine.

John Wheeler:
Great. I guess we should be ready by half-past ten.

Sergeant Norris:
[after digging in the garden] It seems this is as far as we can go sir. There's nothing here.

Appleby:
[to Inspector Walker] Well, what did you expect to find down there, Sherlock Holmes? A wax dummy covered with tomato ketchup? An earthworm with a revolver? I told you, last night me being there was pure curiosity. If I came to you and told you that I was looking for a dead body in that old house, wouldn't you come to have a look?

Inspector Walker:
You could have at least told us last night the reason for your curiosity. You have no business being in that house. However, under the circumstances, we are prepared to drop the trespassing charges against you.

Appleby:
[sarcastic] How kind!

Sergeant Norris:
We'll have a go and re-plant these trees if you'd like.

Appleby:
You don't re-plant the dead Sergeant, you bury them! Now, get these dead plants out of my garden!

Inspector Walker:
When did you plant these trees, Mr. Appleby?

Appleby:
Odd question. Last night. Best time to plant is after a rainstorm. The leaves are cool, soil is saturated, the enzymes are active. I planted them just after you left.

Inspector Walker:
You knew we were here?

Appleby:
Oh, yes. I wondered what was going on. Do you know anything about trees, Inspector?

Inspector Walker:
No, as a matter of fact I don't.

Appleby:
These are the Burham Abdumai. Graph hybrid. Produces the colors of two species. Extraordinary.

Inspector Walker:
Do you often stay up all night, Mr. Appleby?

Appleby:
Yes. Sometimes all night. Sometimes all day. Living alone has it's perks. My late wife used to say that...

Inspector Walker:
Do you mind if we ask you to dig these trees up?

Appleby:
[angry] I certainly would, not even for Mrs. Wheeler's piece of mind! You can have a dog look at them. Sniff at them. It would serve the same purpose.

Inspector Walker:
Not quite.

Appleby:
You would need a court order. And I would do my best to make it extremely difficult for you!

Ellen Wheeler:
[into the phone] Inspector Walker? Why didn't you come? Yes... I know. I have something to tell... Yes... I'm leaving in a few minutes. Inspector... there are two dead bodies in that old building. A man and a woman sitting side by side with their throats... cut. Yes, I know... but you must believe me this time. Won't you inspect that house just once more? Well... then send someone else over...

[Ellen gasps as a loud click is heard and then a dial tone. She hangs up the phone]

Ellen Wheeler:
[breaking character; sinister tone] Heh, I always thought you would say that.

[Appleby enters applauding]

Appleby:
Bravo. Bravo! Superb! Superb performance. Well... that's it then. Your plan complete in every last detail. Pity you also had to include my Burhams.

Ellen Wheeler:
Sorry about that.

Appleby:
How nicely you've done the house. Did you know this was three rooms when I was a child? Beautiful, quite beautiful. I do love Indian art. Erotic, violent... your inspiration for this whole scheme, I assume. So charming. Oh... will you be away long?

Ellen Wheeler:
At the moment, that seems to depend on... you Mr. Appleby.

Appleby:
Oh, Mrs. Wheeler... Inspector Walker wouldn't believe me either. But I do admire you. How many "abandoned wives", or cockhols for that matter, would have had your courage to pull off what you did? I myself, did nothing.

Ellen Wheeler:
It's a great favor to ask you, but since you are so fond of this house...

Appleby:
Yes?

Ellen Wheeler:
Would it be possible for you to take care of it while I'm away?

Appleby:
[flattered] Well... I don't know what to say.

Ellen Wheeler:
The garden too of course. Here are the keys.

Appleby:
[takes the keys] It will be a pleasure. I'll see that nothing is disturbed.

Ellen Wheeler:
Thank you, Mr. Appleby.

Appleby:
No... thank you, Mrs. Wheeler.