Osmosis Jones

Drix:
My, what big zits he has. How does this happen?

Osmosis:
You wash your face with fried chicken, that's how!

Drix:
Drixenol! The brand that eases your coughs and sneezes. Warning - do not exceed recommended dosage. If symptoms persist, consult a physician. May cause drowsiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery. Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets.

Osmosis:
Wow! I'm feeling better already.

Osmosis:
In the words of the immortal James Brown - GET DOWN!

Drix:
James who?

Osmosis:
I never thought you'd be on MY side!

Drix:
I never thought you'd be right.

Frank:
99 kinds of wings! 128 different dipping sauces! You love math, crunch the numbers on that - and tell me the possibilities aren't INFINITE!

Osmosis:
Next time, I'll be the bad cop.

Drix:
You ARE a bad cop!

Osmosis:
Yo, who you calling a bad cop?

Drix:
I don't dance. I... I have no left feet.

Thrax:
This here little DNA bead comes from a little girl in Riverside, California, didn't like to wash her hands. Took me three whole weeks. And this one, nice lady in Detroit, Mowtown - six days flat. And there's this old guy in Philly - I killed him in 72 hours. Yeah, I'm getting better as I go along, baby, but the problem is I never set a record - until my man Frank that is. I'm gonna take him down in 48 hours! Get my own chapter in the medical books!

Mayor Phlegming:
Son, do me a favor and read what it says on your arm.

Drix:
'For the temporary relief of symptoms associated with... '

Mayor Phlegming:
Exactly! Temporary. You're nothing but a wannabe, a placebo, a generic brand. Marked-down, over-the-counter, useless Tic-Tac!

Thrax:
Medical books aren't written about losers!

Osmosis:
Did you know my great-great-grandpappy fought the measles? Yup, there's been a Jones on the force ever since my ancestors came up on the umbilical cord.

Osmosis:
Goodbye, Drips.

Drix:
That's Drix.

Osmosis:
Whatever.

Osmosis:
You want Osmosis?

Drix:
You've got Osmosis!

Leah:
Come here, baby. I'm still Jonesin' for a little more Osmosis.

Thrax:
Careful. I'm contagious.

Leah:
Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?

Osmosis:
What you talking about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me!

Leah:
Oh really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who mostly divides with himself.

Osmosis:
Whoa! Who turned off the heat? Somebody pay the bill? It's cold in here.

Drix:
I'd like to examine your irritated areas.

Osmosis:
Wooh, never on the first date!

Leah:
Wow, this is huge.

Osmosis:
Don't be all impressed, 'cause 99% of that is just sugar you know.

Leah:
Yeah, and 99% of you is just stupid.

Osmosis:
Ooh, like I haven't heard that one before.

Osmosis:
We were so poor, we lived off peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches! You ever try to blow-dry your hair with a fart?

Drix:
OK, I get it. You were poor.

Osmosis:
You bet I was! You ever try to make a snowman out of a toilet paper cling-on? Now that's poor!

Drix:
OK, please, you're trying to make me vomit!

Osmosis:
Vomit? We couldn't afford no vomit, that's for rich folk.

Drix:
Excuse me while I wipe my eyes.

Osmosis:
Oh, you wanna talk about wiping?

Drix:
NO!

Thrax:
Ebola is a cause of dandruff compared to me!

Drix:
Funny. He dosn't look fluish.

Frank:
What's that you got there?

Oyster Boy:
They're polluted oysters. Well, they were polluted oysters. I replanted them in the ocean for six weeks. That is how long the state says you should.

Frank:
Can you eat them?

Oyster Boy:
Well, if my hypotenuse is correct, yeah, sure you can.

Drix:
Special Agent Drixobenzometaphedrimine reporting for duty.

Osmosis:
So, where you from, tough stuff?

Drix:
I was developed at the University of Chicago, where I graduated Phi Beta Capsule.

Osmosis:
Great, got me a college boy...

Thrax:
This guy sure was sick before I came here.

Mayor Phlegming:
Citizens of Frank. In the last few weeks of the campaign, my opponent has thrown big words around to confuse the issues. Big words like "exercise", "low-fat" and "diet".

Frank:
Honey, the only reason chimps eat so many fruits and vegetables is because they are not smart enough to butcher a cow.

Thrax:
Who are you?

Osmosis:
Who am I? Who am I? Ah, Bad Booty-shaking Pickanosis, yeah! That's who I am!

Thrax:
Never heard of ya!

Osmosis:
That's 'cause you just got here! You ask any of these suckers, when it comes to illin', Bad Booty-shaking Pickanosis stands avove all the rest!

Drix:
Attention, germs! You are surrounded! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, surrounded!

Osmosis:
Yo, Hammer! You can stop dancing now!

Osmosis:
Can you give me information on something called "La Morry Roho"?

Thrax:
You know what, Jones? You want this chain so bad, Big Daddy Thrax is gonna give it to you!

Thrax:
Looks good on you, Jones! You wear it well! Too bad you had to come so far from home just to die!

Shane:
You don't think about anyone but yourself!

Frank:
I think about you all the time.

Shane:
Were you thinking about me when you gave me a fried Slim Jim sandwich for lunch?

Frank:
Yeah, it was a turkey Slim Jim!

Osmosis:
Yo, where do you think you're going?

Drix:
To get our cootie.

Osmosis:
Looking like that? They'll tear you apart. You gotta get spiffy.

Drix:
Spiffy?

Osmosis:
Check it out!

Drix:
Hmm. Flexible cellular dynamics. What an ingenious defense mechanism. Ooh, let me try!

Drix:
What do you think?

Osmosis:
I think you should wait in the car.

Thrax:
What is that nasty smell?

Drix:
Cherry. Wild cherry. Now let her go.

Thrax:
Why? So you can ice me again?

Osmosis:
No, so I can!

Osmosis:
Yo! You see this badge? You see this gun? You see this white saccus membranous around my personhood? You're talking to a white blood cell here! I should be in the veins fighting disease, not up in the mouth on tartar control.

Ms. Boyd:
What a zit!... I mean, what is it?

Drix:
Where did you study?

Osmosis:
Study? Man, when you're from the wrong side of the digestive track, you ain't got no money for no fancy school.

Drix:
Oh?

Osmosis:
I tell ya, my school was Crack Central.

Drix:
Oh?

Osmosis:
No, it was in the crack. Right in the stinky, puckered center.

Mayor Phlegming:
There are plenty of job openings in the back.

Osmosis:
You should have seen this thing. This germ's bigger than all of us. It's even big for Frank's body. This is an Al Roker germ, a Heavy-D germ.

Osmosis:
Yeah, well he's slouching right now.

Police Chief:
Say Ozzy, think you can keep Frank in shape? You know, he has that big insurance exam next week.

Osmosis:
I don't know. You must ask my new partner, that is if he feels like hanging around for a while.

Drix:
But my work visa is expired.

Osmosis:
Well, we'll go down to the hemorroid and find you a good lawyer.

Thrax:
Too bad you won't be alive to see me break my record when I take down Frank's pretty little girl.

Osmosis:
She ain't going down. You are!

Osmosis:
You up spit creek without a paddle. Don't make me mad, 'cause I will turn into a germicidal maniac.

[deleted scene]

Drix:
The eye? What are we doing here? Do I have to remind you that I am on a strict twelve hour time release program? First the throat, then the nose, then the aches and pains.

Osmosis Jones:
Yeah, I got it. Real important stuff. Now, get your butt out of my car!

Drix:
Oh! I don't even have a butt. Officer, if I don't get to the sinuses, my entire relief mission could be jeopardized.

Osmosis Jones:
Yo, it's time we take a look at the big picture. See? The Big F. He's the one we're here to protect and serve. I mean, just look at him. Doesn't he make you want to be a better cell?

Drix:
[Drix sees Frank clean his tongue] Ew! I see why you feel such a strong connection.

Osmosis Jones:
Hey, watch it! Show the man some respect! He's the reason all of us are here.

Drix:
Take me to the nose!

Osmosis Jones:
Dude, just wait in the car. I got police work to do.

Osmosis Jones:
Baby, I always knew you and me were gonna hook up. I know this little spot right behind the eye, has the perfect view - perfect for a little rendezvous between me and you. You know what I'm sayin'? Do you know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause I been sayin' it a long time.

Leah:
Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?

Osmosis Jones:
Whatcha talkin' about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me.

Leah:
Oh, really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who most likely divides with himself.

Osmosis:
So, where you from, tough stuff?

Drix:
I was developed at the University of Chicago, where I graduated Phi Beta Capsule.

Osmosis:
Great, got me a college boy...

Drix:
Where did you study?

Osmosis:
Study? When you grow up on the wrong side of the digestive track, you ain't got no money for no fancy schools.

Drix:
Oh...

Osmosis:
I'm not kiddin', man. My school was Crack Central.

Drix:
Oh?

Osmosis:
No, it was in the crack. [Drix whimpers] Right in the stanky, puckered center. We were so poor, we lived off of peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches! You ever try to blow-dry your hair with a fart?

Drix:
OK, I get it. You were poor.

Osmosis:
You bet I was! You ever try to make a snowman out of toilet paper cling-ons? Now that's poor!

Drix:
OK, please, you're going to make me vomit!

Osmosis:
Vomit? We couldn't afford no vomit; that's for rich folk.

Drix:
Excuse me while I wipe my eyes.

Osmosis:
Oh, you wanna talk about wiping?

Drix:
NO!

Scabies:
Did the Foot Fungus pay up yet?

Joe Cramp:
Nah. That guy's getting flaky on us.

Scabies:
Well, you ain't gonna collect nothin' from him up here in the pit! Now get down there, send him a message.

[Thrax strolls into the sweat gland spa, humming]

Thrax:
So, this is where the scum of Frank comes to fester.

Bruiser:
Hey, you lost, pal? This is a private sweat-gland. Now beat it!

Thrax:
I'm looking for volunteers, yo. Some nasty germs who want in on a big score.

Scabies:
Yo, Red, we run the rackets around here. Take your little hustle someplace else.

Thrax:
Oh, baby, this ain't about no hustle. This is about the baddest illness any of y'all have ever seen.

Scabies:
Look who thinks he's the ebola virus, huh? [he and his thugs laugh]

Thrax:
[angrily] ...Ebola? [shoves past Bruiser and Joe Cramp] Let me tell you about ebola, baby: ebola is a case of DANDRUFF compared to me!

Scabies:
All right, pal, you're outta here. Bruiser, take this punk up to the face and bury him in a blackhead. When we're done with you, it'll take a Swedish facialist and six steaming washcloths to get you out!

Thrax:
Hmm, sounds like a gas, baby. Bring it on.

Osmosis Jones:
I bet Johnny Streptoccocus and the Melanoma family would be very interested to hear about your flu shot work.

Chill:
You can't jack me on that, brother! I'm in the Virus Protection Program.

Dispatcher:
[over radio] Suspect is headed toward the uvula - repeat, headed toward the uvula.

Osmosis Jones:
What the heck is a u-va-la?

Drix:
It's that little dangly thing that hangs down in Frank's--

Osmosis Jones:
[interrupting] Boxer shorts! Okay, here we go!

Drix:
Not that little dangly thing! The one in his throat!

[Pause]

Osmosis Jones:
I knew that. I knew that.

Shane:
I'm not going.

Frank:
You're not going where, hon?

Shane:
To Buffalo. I'm not going.

Frank:
Honey, I'm- we're all packed. Buffalo's gonna be a blast.

Shane:
I'm going camping with my friends. You're welcome to join us.

Frank:
Well, I don't think-

Shane:
I'd really like you to come.

Frank:
No. No, no. No, no, no, I- You don't want me huffing and puffing after you. If you want to go camping, Okay, I'll-- I know I can get uncle Bob to go with me in Buffalo. [lays down on couch]

Shane:
[frustrated] I'm tired of this! It's not fair! I go where you want to go, I eat what you want to eat. Don't you ever think of anyone other than yourself?

Frank:
I think about you all the time.

Shane:
Were you thinking about me when you packed me a fried Slim Jim sandwich for lunch?

Frank:
Yeah, it was a turkey Slim Jim!

Shane:
You know, dad, maybe if you and mom listened to me a little more and took better care of yourselves, maybe she'd still be here.

Frank:
Will you knock off that hamburger talk? Come here, honey. Hey... [Shane sits next to him] your mom died... because she got sick.

Shane:
And how do you think you get sick?

Frank:
Germs.

Shane:
It's the way you eat. [Shane rolls her eyes and sighs frustratingly; leaves room]

nice jeans. Chromosomes in all the right places

Osmosis Jones:
Goodbye, Drips.

Drix:
That's Drix.

Osmosis Jones:
Whatever.

Chief:
JONES! IN MY OFFICE!

[Ozzy enters his boss' office]

Osmosis:
Chiefy-weefy, what's up?

Chief:
Don't "chiefy-weefy" me! Have you seen the headlines? The paper's are calling it the most powerful cramp since Shane made us try that tae-bo workout!

Osmosis:
Hold on a second...

Chief:
[leaning closer to Jones] I told you to stay put. I told you to wait for backup! But once again, you had to do it your own way!

Osmosis:
Man, I was right there! I couldn't done it...

Chief:
Right! 78 trillion cells in the body all working together... you're the only one who thinks he can do it alone! You ever think that might be your problem, Jones?