Parenthood

Helen:
I guess you're interested in sex. Or filmmaking.

Julie:
I wouldn't live with you if the world were flooded with piss and you lived in a tree!

Tod:
You know, Mrs. Buchman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming a**hole be a father.

Gil:
We'll throw away the TV. We'll perform Shakespeare in front of him.

Gil:
Women have choices, and men have responsibilities.

Karen:
He likes to butt things... with his head.

Nathan:
How proud you must be.

Karen:
Do you really have to go?

Gil:
My whole life is "have to."

Grandma:
You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.

Gil:
Oh?

Grandma:
Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!

Gil:
What a great story.

Grandma:
I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

Julie:
He said that he loved me.

Helen:
Men say that. They all say that. Then they cum.

Gil:
Keep Patty away from Larry - suck the intelligence right out of her.

Gil:
What's the matter, honey? you don't feel so good?

Taylor:
Yeah.

Gil:
You feel like you wanna throw up?

Taylor:
Ok

Karen:
Oh Taylor, baby... Gil, why are you standing there?

Gil:
Waiting for her head to spin around.

Garry:
What is it with all the women in this family, that makes all the men in this family wanna leave?

Justin:
Who's that?

Gil:
It's my kid brother, Larry, your uncle. Don't give him any money.

Gil:
Yeah, well I'm not really a kid.

Gil:
This is a memory of when I was a kid. I'm 35 now. I have kids of my own. You don't even really exist. You're an amalgam.

Gil:
A combination of several ushers my dad left me with over the years. I combined them into one memory.

Gil:
This was a great symbolic moment of my life. My father dumping me with you... it's why I swore things would be different with my kids. It's my dream. Strong, happy, confident kids.

Taylor:
Mommy what was that?

Karen:
That was an electrical ear cleaner.

Taylor:
It was kinda big.

Grandma:
It sure was.

Karen:
I happen to LIKE the roller coaster, okay? As far as I'm concerned, your grandmother is brilliant.

Gil:
Yeah if she's so brilliant why is she sitting in our NEIGHBOR'S CAR?

Gil:
That's what you're wearing to bed? You'll catch a cold!

Gil:
Perfect!

Gil:
Karen, how about after the kids are asleep... (referring to Justin.) I wear this outfit?

Grandma:
What channel is this?

Grandma:
She really needs a man.

Grandma:
When I was a girl, Grover Cleveland was president. Hehe!

Marilyn Buckman:
Cool is adorable. Adorable! Why didn't you write us when you had a son?

Larry Buckman:
I didn't know myself until a couple of months ago. You see a few years ago, I was living in Vegas with this girl. Show girl. She was in that show Elvis On Ice. Anywho, we drifted apart as people do in these complicated times and then a couple of months ago, she shows up with Cool and tells me "You watch him. I shot someone. I have to leave the country."... That's parent?

Kevin Buckman Age 21:
Thank you. When I was 9 years old, I had kind of a rough time. A lot of people thought I was pretty mixed up. But there was one person who got me through it. He did everything right. And thanks to him today, well I'm the happiest, most confident and most well adjusted person in this world. Dad, I love you. You're the greatest

Larry Buckman:
Is that Grandma? Grandma, you got short.

Grandma:
I'm shrinking.

Larry Buckman:
Bummer.

Julie:
I can't do this! This is too intense!

Helen:
This is marriage!

Helen:
I swear, Julie, if you walk out that door, don't you dare come back!

Julie:
Don't worry about it!

Julie:
Hey Garry.

Garry:
Hi.

Julie:
I'm moving out.

Garry:
Bye.

Helen:
See? Now you've upset your brother!

Tod:
Has anyone seen my wife?

Helen:
She's still at school. She has cheerleading practice.

Frank:
Gil, you have a good memory. Uh, was it yours or Helen's or Susan's wedding I got drunk at?

Gil:
It was all three, Dad. Congratulations.

Frank:
Well, which one did I punch the band leader?

Gil:
That was mine. We have photos. I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings.

[Susan laughs]

Frank:
Well, you think he's funny. Well, when he was a kid, he wasn't as funny. Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a b*tch.

Gil:
[sarcastically] Gee, I wonder why.

Gil's nightmarish vision. University is on lockdown and covered by squad cars. People are screaming and an elderly Gil tries to reason with Kevin

College Student #1:
Someone's gone to the roof of the bell tower with a rifle!

Dean at College:
It's Kevin Buckman! His father totally screwed him up!

College Student #2:
What is he yelling?

Kevin, Age 21:
YOU MADE ME PLAY SECOND BASE!

Gil:
[through bullhorn] Son, I'm sorry. I did all the best I could.

[Kevin opens fire and shoots bullhorn out of Gil's hands]

Gil:
Nice shot son!

Police try to get Gil to safety, but Gil rebuffs them

Gil:
[police] It's important to be supportive. [to Kevin] Come on let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, Diarrhea - "

[Gil's ideal vision. Kevin has graduated from university and is the class valedictorian]

Kevin, Age 21:
All of this I have one thing to credit; when I was a kid and my father made me play second base. Thank you, Dad!

[Audience applauds an elderly Gil]

Gil:
Thank you, son!

[after breaking the lock on Gary's bedroom door and searching it, Helen finds some sex tapes and plays one]

Susan:
Helen? Oh, the door was unlocked...[sees the sex action on the television]

Grandma:
What channel is this?

Helen:
No Gran, this is a tape.

Grandma:
[to Susan] She needs a man now!

Helen:
Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this!

[later]

Grandma:
[to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!

Susan:
Nathan, I need to speak with you for a couple of minutes.

Nathan:
Patty, your mother and I will be gone for two minutes. How many seconds is that?

Patty:
120.

Den

Nathan:
What is it?

[Susan produces flashcards, which Nathan recites]

Flashcard #1:
This is the only way

Flashcard #2:
To reach you, so

Flashcard #3:
I am leaving you

[Kevin's birthday. A stripper comes to Buckman residence]

Stripper:
So what is the name of the birthday boy? I will paint his name on my breasts.

Karen:
What in the world?

Gil:
We did not order any stripper! We hired Cowboy Dan.

Stripper:
Is that so, let me call my boss.

Stripper uses phone to call boss, then hangs up

Stripper:
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. My boss screwed up our assignments. I was supposed to do that birthday party at the Army base, but my boss sent Cowboy Dan there.

Karen:
Then have him come here.

Stripper:
There's a problem, you see, the soldiers got the wrong idea and beat up Cowboy Dan really good. He is in the hospital.

Kevin:
Cowboy Dan is not here? All the kids will hate me!

Gil:
Kevin, pull yourself together! A cowboy is coming.

I knew him in high school. What a looser. He's a doctor now. I meant me.

Gill:
They call me Cowboy Gil, as in guil-ty. I saw Cowboy Dan. I didn't like the look on his face. It was like this...[smiles goofily] ... so I killed him. I blew a hole in him this big. Actually it was about this big. You know, when I think about it, that hole was about THIS BIG! And his guts were spilled out all over the floor. As I was walkin' away, I slip around on his guts. A couple of other people came by and started slippin' on his guts too. After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts... afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals. That's mighty courteous of you. Here we go! [starts twisting balloons and then when he finishes, he holds up jumbled bunch of twisted balloons] Your lower intestines.

Gill:
My whole life is have to...

Tod:
That is one messed-up little dude.

Susan:
Nathan, we're trying so hard to keep these kids off of drugs.

Helen:
Open this door! Goddamnit to hell! I was just like a little respect! Not alot, just a little! Do you know why I'm having sex with machinery? Because your father went to have a party and I stayed to raise two kids, and I HAVE NO LIFE!!!!!!!!

Helen:
[Helen is trying to talk with Garry about his sex tapes] l assume you're watching these because you're curious about sex... you know. Or filmmaking.

Helen:
No, no, no, no. I'm too young to be a grandmother. Grandmothers are old. They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression. I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake! I peed in a field! I hung on to The Who's helicopter as it flew away!

Helen:
I give them six months. Three, if she cooks.

Frank:
[on parenting] It's like your Aunt Edna's ass. It goes on forever and it's just as frightening.