Perfect Strangers

[Larry has rented Balki a tuxedo]

Balki Bartokomous:
Yours?

Larry Appleton:
Yes.

Balki Bartokomous:
Yours... looks... just like mine.

Larry Appleton:
Yes.

Balki Bartokomous:
But if we dress alike, how will people tell us apart?

Larry Appleton:
Dental records.

Larry Appleton:
Was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head?

Balki Bartokomous:
Are you asking did - did I see *steam* rising from his head or did I see *you* rising from his head?

Larry Appleton:
I'm asking, was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head?

Balki Bartokomous:
Okay... Okay, are you asking was it *me* who saw steam rising from his head or was it *you* who saw steam rising from his head?

Larry Appleton:
I'm asking, was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head?

Balki Bartokomous:
[pause] Yes. Now, I have one for you - Was it me... or was that Miss Lydia's beauty mark sliding down her cheek?

Larry Appleton:
It was you. It was definitely you sliding down her cheek.

Balki Bartokomous:
Now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!

Larry Appleton:
I have...

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh, God.

Larry Appleton:
...a plan.

Larry Appleton:
Oh, my lord...

Mr. Wainwright:
Appleton, you idiot!

Larry Appleton:
I just shot my boss in the butt.

[Larry is hanging from a hook on the wall]

Balki Bartokomous:
Cousin, do it for me, please?

Larry Appleton:
No, no...

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh, please. Please, Mr. Scarecrow, which way is it to the Emerald City?

Larry Appleton:
Some people go that way, and some people go that way...

Balki Bartokomous:
But, of course, people do go both ways.

Balki Bartokomous:
You may call it intuition, you may call it common sense, you may call the wind Mariah...

Mr. Gorpley:
And then there was the Christmas where my house burned down and I had to go to the hospital. No, that was a good Christmas. I got to sleep in a real bed!

[Larry is installing a shower head]

Balki Bartokomous:
Where are the instructions?

Larry Appleton:
I threw them out.

Balki Bartokomous:
You threw them out?

Larry Appleton:
Appletons have never used instructions. My dad completely rewired the house in Denver without instructions.

Balki Bartokomous:
Isn't that the house that burned to the ground?

[Larry pauses for a second]

Larry Appleton:
[sheepishly] They never proved it was the wiring.

Balki Bartokomous:
You said that you would not go overboard, and now look at you. You're scraping barnacles off the Titanic.

[repeated line]

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, of course not, don't be ridi-cool-us.

Larry Appleton:
Our goal for this evening is to acheive physical contact. Now how do we acheive physical contact?

Balki Bartokomous:
Begging?

Larry Appleton:
Dancing.

Balki Bartokomous:
Momma told me never to do the dance of joy alone, or I would go blind.

Balki Bartokomous:
Your ship has finally hit the fan!

Larry Appleton:
Take three steps east, please be meticulous.

Balki Bartokomous:
Well of course we will, don't be ridiculous.

[after Larry confesses a lie to Jennifer, and mentions several other unrelated lies at the same time]

Balki Bartokomous:
Boy, when you come clean you leave a ring around the tub!

Larry Appleton:
I didn't lie. At most, I massaged the truth a little.

Balki Bartokomous:
Massaged? You gave it a full body scrub and a mud bath!

[after Larry tells them they need to bake 2,000 "Bibby Bobkas" to sell to a restaurant]

Jennifer Lyons Appleton:
Larry, it took us all morning to bake three dozen. Do you know how many dozen 2,000 are?

[Larry stops to try to calculate it in his head]

Mary Anne Spencer Bartokomous:
[without stopping to calculate it] 166 and 2/3 dozen.

[everyone looks at her in confused amazement]

Mary Anne Spencer Bartokomous:
[as if it explained everything perfectly] My father was a carpenter.

Mary Anne Spencer Bartokomous:
You know, having a ghost would explain so many things! Like how when you open the refrigerator, the light goes on!

Jennifer Lyons Appleton:
No Maryanne, the light goes on because... [pauses for a moment, then decides to give up] Yes, Maryanne. Having a ghost would explain that.

Balki Bartokomous:
[trying to think of the most offensive thing he can] I hope you fall on your face with your hands in your pockets!

[Twinkacetti is staying with the guys after his wife threw him out]

Donnie Twinkacetti:
Hey, Appleton, I read your diary. You're a sick man.

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, feed me garlic and call me stinky!

Balki Bartokomous:
Hi, cousin! I just baked a big batch of bing bong binki binki bakalava.

Larry Appleton:
...Bing bong binki binki bakalava?

Balki Bartokomous:
Bingo! Want a big bite, booby?

Larry Appleton:
Better not, buddy.

Balki Bartokomous:
...bummer.

Larry Appleton:
Bitter, Balki?

Balki Bartokomous:
You bet your Bibby Babkas I'm bitter, baby! I busted my butt baking these itty bitty binkis, and believe me, I banked on a bit of basic brotherly bolstering!

Larry Appleton:
Balki, buddy, baby!

Balki Bartokomous:
I wash my face of the whole business!

[after Larry and Balki lock themselves in a phone booth to call 911, a thug smashes the glass to the booth with his bare fist, then rips the handset of the phone, so they can't get help]

Balki Bartokomous:
...well, now you've done it! You're going to have to answer to the [shouts] phone company!

Balki Bartokomous:
Where do I come up with them?

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh give me a line of credit.

Mrs. Edwina Twinkacetti:
[singing] Seven swans a swimming...

Mary Anne:
Six geese a laying...

Balki Bartokomous:
Five onion rings!

Balki Bartokomous:
Boy! A Christmas bonus! I can always use another envelope.

Balki Bartokomous:
You know what I can't understand? Why do American decorate trees instead of turtles?

Larry Appleton:
Well, one good reason is a tree won't slowly crawl out of the living room.

Balki Bartokomous:
That's what the Christmas lettuce is for.

Jennifer:
With the storm coming in the skiing's gonna be terrific.

Mary Anne:
Yeah, I always heard it was better with snow.

Balki Bartokomous:
[stunned after receiving a passionate kiss from Mary Ann] How did you make that happen?

Larry Appleton:
Mistletoe. It's an old tradition. You hang it over the door and women *have* to kiss you.

Balki Bartokomous:
What a gimmick! Why don't we hang it up all year long?

Larry Appleton:
Unfortunately, it only works at Christmas.

Balki Bartokomous:
Then I'm takin' it with us!

Balki Bartokomous:
On Dancer, on Prancer and on Donna Dixon! On Comet, on Cupid, on Reagan, on Nixon!

Balki Bartokomous:
I am busting my buttocks trying to make a nice Christmas for you... and all I get is bah hamburger. You're acting just like Ebenezer Stooge. I'm sorry you can't have Christmas at home with your family. What about me? You think I don't miss Christmas on Mypos with my family? Passing the Christmas bota bag... roasting radishes over an open fire.

Balki Bartokomous:
Happy birthday. [seeing Larry's confused look] That's what we say on Mypos... because Christmas is not just Christmas turtles and presents it's also the birthday of baby Jesus.

Larry Appleton:
Yeah, I guess I... forgot that, too.

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, the sheepherders never forget it. We were the first ones to get the news, you know.

Larry Appleton:
You know, Balki, I thought I was missing Christmas with my family and my friends. But I'm not. You're here.

Balki Bartokomous:
When I say, "Who wants pig snouts?", you will say, "I do! I do!"

Larry Appleton:
When you say "Who wants pig snouts?", I will say... I will say... NO, I WILL NEVER EAT PIG SNOUTS!

Balki Bartokomous:
You have a strong will, Earth Boy!

Larry Appleton:
Why learn something the easy way, when you can learn it the hard way?

Balki Bartokomous:
Darn. You got me.

Larry Appleton:
You mean it's true?

Balki Bartokomous:
Yepper! I may be an alien bent on world conquest, but I am no liar.

Larry Appleton:
I studied journalism in college. I know the five W's of reporting... who, what, how, when... how? No, how's an H. How... what... who... who... hoo boy, I'm in trouble!"

Larry Appleton:
[Speaking to Balki] Be careful. Gorpley told his secretary he's going to get rid of the kid from Mypos today.

Balki Bartokomous:
Oooh! Point well taken, Cousin! [Larry starts to walk away, and Balki gasps as something occurs to him] Do you think he means me?

Lance:
Is this elevator going up? [note they are in the basement]

Harriette Winslow:
No, this week it's going sideways!

Larry Appleton:
Harriette runs the elevator here.

Balki Bartokomous:
[to Harriette] Oh, well your job must have its ups and downs!

Mr. Sam Gorpley:
Oh, I get it! Cousin! I see, it's all falling into place.

Balki Bartokomous:
What's falling into place?

Mr. Sam Gorpley:
Can you say, "Nepotism"?

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, it's my first day, but I'll give it a..."

Larry Appleton:
[interrupting Balki] Nepotism?

Balki Bartokomous:
He asked me!

Harriette Winslow:
Okay, basement level... mailroom, storage, archives, garage and Appleton's desk.

Balki Bartokomous:
You really stepped in something good this time!

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh Cousin, you can read me like a cheap suit!

Balki Bartokomous:
Is that a hockey puck?

Balki Bartokomous:
Yes, Cousin. It landed right next to me in that empty seat. It's a good thing you weren't there... you'd have a puck-shaped hole in the middle of your head and look like a piggy bank!

Larry Appleton:
There is no Cousin Larry! There's only Lucky Larry!

Larry Appleton:
Heeeere's Larry!

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh, Cousin, we're going to have an adventure!

Larry Appleton:
Well, I'll go. But I won't have any fun.

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, of course not, I wouldn't expect you to.

Balki Bartokomous:
What's wrong with Vegaaas?

Larry Appleton:
Are you kidding? Vegas is a moral wasteland. It goes against everything I was ever told I believe in.

Balki Bartokomous:
When were you in Vegaaas?

Larry Appleton:
Well, I... uh... um... never. But I saw 'Ocean's 11.' All Vegas is is gambling, flashing lights, big name entertainers and showgirls in skimpy costumes.

Balki Bartokomous:
You're right! Let's pack.

Balki Bartokomous:
All right, there's one question I have to ask about the manual. If four persons come to a four-way stop at the same moment, and the man on my right has the right of way, who goes first because everybody has somebody on his right.

Larry Appleton:
That's why you buy insurance.

Balki Bartokomous:
You can fool some of the sheep all of the time, but you can't fool some of the sheep all of the time!

Balki Bartokomous:
I have a friend who can't sleep. There's nothing wrong with him is there?

Larry Appleton:
Balki, are you having trouble sleeping?

Balki Bartokomous:
Well of course I'm not, don't be ridiculous, it's my friend, my best friend.

Larry Appleton:
*I'm* your best friend.

Balki Bartokomous:
That's a good point, a very good point.

Larry Appleton:
What you have got is a classic case of insomnia.

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh no! I knew it was something terrible! Okay, give it to me straight. How long have I got?

Larry Appleton:
Fifty or sixty years

Balki Bartokomous:
[crying] Fifty or sixty years! Oh my God... a slow death!

Balki Bartokomous:
[Larry wakes up Balki who is sleeping on a table] Remember when you told me that my body would tell me when it's time to sleep? Well, it's talking to me like crazy! [drifts back off to sleep]

Larry Appleton:
Balki, Balki, don't listen to your body, listen to your buddy.

Larry Appleton:
In college we had an exercise when we went back into the dream state.

Balki Bartokomous:
Would that be New Jersey?

Larry Appleton:
[calmly] No... no... that's the *Garden* State.

Balki Bartokomous:
Before I talk about that dream again it'll be a cold day in December!

Mary Anne:
Dreams are nothing more than windows to our subconscious. They should be open to let in the fresh air of reason.

Larry Appleton:
Mary Anne, did you just read that?

Mary Anne:
No, sometimes late at night I start to make sense.

Balki Bartokomous:
Sheep are man's best friend!

Larry Appleton:
[hearing that Mypos only has one phone] One phone?

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, yes, but it has call waiting!

Balki Bartokomous:
On Mypos we have a saying... "Iffi yodi vy zwicki, oh po sticki picki ticki." Need I say more?

Balki Bartokomous:
This morning I must have got up on the wrong side of my brain!

Balki Bartokomous:
You can just count me down and out in Beverly Hills!

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, you know what I thought... I thought we would run around the supermarket and every time we see something we like we throw in the cart it.

Larry Appleton:
Oh, oh! Just run around the supermarket and throw in the cart things? Balki, do you know what we would wind up with? Eight hundred pounds of Ding Dongs!

Larry Appleton:
This shopping spree is serious business. Now, I have... a plan!

Balki Bartokomous:
Cousin, why is it that every time we have a chance to have fun you have to "have a plan"?

Larry Appleton:
Balki, I don't think you understand what kind of opportunity this shopping spree is!

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh, but I do. It's an opportunity for you to "have a plan".

Larry Appleton:
You obviously don't know the rules of shopping.

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, Cousin, on Mypos we don't have rules for shopping. Come to think of it, we don't have rules for games.

Larry Appleton:
This is America. We have rules for everything. It's what distinguishes us from the... unruly.

Larry Appleton:
Is this the Yaya Biki who's a hundred and six years old?

Balki Bartokomous:
No, this is the Yaya Biki who has a lounge act in Vegas.

Balki Bartokomous:
I have been running around like a chicken with his head glued on all day!

Larry Appleton:
Balki... when you brought a hundred pounds of garlic into the apartment I said to myself, "Okay... so Yaya Biki loves scampi." When you told me she likes to keep fresh eels in the bathtub I said to myself, "Hey... no problem... I take showers." But...

Balki Bartokomous:
It's the cow, isn't it?

Larry Appleton:
Well, yes. The cow... bothers me. I want Yaya Biki to feel at home, I really do! But have you ever thought that she'd like to see how we live? Experience the American way of living? Things like, oh... uh, I don't know, uh gee, what exactly can I think of? Uh... oh! Beef on the table instead of beef at the table? [cow moos, seemingly in response]a

Balki Bartokomous:
Well... I'm gonna go upstairs now and tell my friends that I'm sad. I think that'll make them happy.

Dunne:
Mr. Bartokomous... I think it's rather obvious that you're an immigrant, so let's stop beating around the bush. Why did you come to America?

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh, because when I am a little small boy I dream to come to America, the land of the free, the home of the Braves... and my dream was to travel all over this land... from California to the New York Island... from the redwood forest to the gulf stream water. This land was made for you... and me. [pause] And if I had a hammer...

Balki Bartokomous:
So... these are the Halls of Justice. Where are the Halls of Montezuma?

Larry Appleton:
They're in another building.

Balki Bartokomous:
We're gonna send you up the river without a poodle!

Vince Lucas:
I once had a guy named Lenny who delivered packages for me. He decided to sing. Now... Lenny's with the angels

Balki Bartokomous:
Lenny's a singing baseball player?

Balki Bartokomous:
The police says that he's involved in all kinds of illegal things. Gambling is just he tip of the ice cube.

Larry Appleton:
Intellectually I know, I know... I'm overly possessive. Almost neurotic about it.

Balki Bartokomous:
You are not!

Larry Appleton:
I'm not?

Balki Bartokomous:
Of course not! Erotic? Don't be ridiculous!

Larry Appleton:
Neurotic. Neurotic! NEUROTIC!

Balki Bartokomous:
Okay, don't get crazy!

Larry Appleton:
'What's the big deal?' You wrote a check for three thousand dollars more than you have. You don't want to go to prison for THIS furniture!

Balki Bartokomous:
Where do I come up with them? [laughing at own joke]

Balki Bartokomous:
When I put my money here, what are you going to do with it?

Larry Appleton:
The same thing they do with my money: They loan it out to other people for interest.

Balki Bartokomous:
They give my money to other people just because it's interesting?

Larry Appleton:
No, no no. "Interest" is what other people pay the bank so they can use your money.

Balki Bartokomous:
Well if they're using my money why don't they pay me?

Larry Appleton:
Well the bank performs a service. For instance, you could come here an borrow money yourself.

Balki Bartokomous:
I could come to this bank and borrow my own money and then pay them interest?

Larry Appleton:
Well... yes. Provided you had good credit.

Balki Bartokomous:
What that is?

Larry Appleton:
Well "credit" is proving to the bank that you don't need to borrow... your own money.

Larry Appleton:
[Trying to pry Balki away from the TV, where he is watching 3 different Schwarzenegger movies] Balki... go to bed! It is almost time to get up!

Balki Bartokomous:
But Cousin, how will I know what happened to Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Larry Appleton:
He blows everybody up, marries Maria Schriver and lives happily ever after.

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh Cousin, you can read me like a brown paper bag!

Harriette Winslow:
You got a problem there, sugar. That boy's becoming a couch potato.

Larry Appleton:
A couch potato?

Harriette Winslow:
You know, one of those people that spend so much time watching TV they end up with a butt the size of Detroit?

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, I got to tell you, I broke down and cried 'til my eyes fell out!

Larry Appleton:
Oh, God... you've turned into a peeping potato!

Larry Appleton:
Time flies when you're a potato.

Balki Bartokomous:
I've got that TV turkey off my back!

Balki Bartokomous:
[Balki and Larry are on their way to a concert] Listen, Cousin, don't you think it's time you tell me who we're going to go see tonight?

Larry Appleton:
Chicago.

Balki Bartokomous:
I know where we are, I'm asking you who are we going to go see tonight?

Larry Appleton:
Chicago.

Balki Bartokomous:
Yes, I understand... I'm asking you who's going to be singing here in Chicago?

Larry Appleton:
[giving up] The Beatles.

Balki Bartokomous:
[answering the phone] Larry and Balki's Waterworks. Which drip do you want to talk to?

Balki Bartokomous:
Get out of the city!

Balki Bartokomous:
Aren't you forgetting something?

Marvin Berman:
No. I don't think so.

Balki Bartokomous:
Yes. You were about to set your timer.

Larry Appleton:
Why did you tell him to set the timer?

Balki Bartokomous:
Because, if he doesn't set the timer... Bad move huh?

Mr. Sam Gorpley:
[sees Larry and Balki tied up] Bartokomous, play Cowboys and Indians on your own time. [to Marvin] And you, you don't even work here. Take a hike!

Larry Appleton:
Gorpley, don't antagonize him! He's got a bomb!

Mr. Sam Gorpley:
Oh, a bomb! [snickers] Yeah, right! A bomb! hahaha! [sees bomb] A bomb. Oh my god, he's got a bomb! Please, Please! You have *got* to let me go! I have got four kids and a pregnant wife at home!

Balki Bartokomous:
Mr. Gorpley! This must have been some whirlpooled romance! Just this morning, you were single!

Larry Appleton:
Balki, I don't think living in an apartment is good for Suprides. He's cooped up all day... he can't get out... he can't meet other dogs... he can't date...

Balki Bartokomous:
But we don't date and we're okay.

Balki Bartokomous:
Search to your heart's contempt!

Larry Appleton:
We don't have a dog, that's against our leash... lease!

Balki Bartokomous:
In a week, this will all seem second nature.

Larry Appleton:
In a month, it will be third nature!

Larry Appleton:
Spot was smart as a whip

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, my little puppy dog Couscous was smart as two whips. In the morning he used to bring me my sandals.

Larry Appleton:
When Spot fetched the paper he used to bring us each the section we wanted.

Balki Bartokomous:
When we wanted news, Couscous used to drag home the village gossip.

Larry Appleton:
Spot could read the paper.

Balki Bartokomous:
Couscous could play the mandolin!

Larry Appleton:
Spot did my taxes.

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh, Bullwinkle!

Balki Bartokomous:
I can train him. I'm good at that. I'm a sheepherder. Of course, you can't train a sheep, they're dumb as a rock.

Balki Bartokomous:
And we teach him to fetch... and catch... and... and we teach him to save children from the burning building just like Lousy!

Larry Appleton:
Balki? Did I miss something? When I left this morning I didn't own half a dog.

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, you're a richer man today!

Balki Bartokomous:
[speaking of the dog he brought home] His name is Suprides.

Larry Appleton:
Suprides?

Balki Bartokomous:
Very good.

Larry Appleton:
Well, that's a very pretty name. What does it mean?

Balki Bartokomous:
It means 'dog'.

Larry Appleton:
It means 'dog'?

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, of course it does. Don't be ridiculous. What did you think I'd call him? Table?

Balki Bartokomous:
Why did you make me eat dog food?

Balki Bartokomous:
Mr. Twinkacetti is coming!

Larry Appleton:
Don't panic! Code red!

Mr. Donald "Twinkie" Twinkacetti:
Your 'girlfriend' seems to have disappeared.

Balki Bartokomous:
She's very shy. She probably jumped out the window.

Balki Bartokomous:
[crying] I am never... going to fall in love again.

Larry Appleton:
Sure you will...

Balki Bartokomous:
No I won't! I don't want to, it hurts too much!

Larry Appleton:
Hey, hey... I know it hurts... but Carol was just not the right girl for you, she wasn't good enough for you. And somewhere out there is, uh... is somebody who's right for you... somebody who's worthy to wear your nana's brooch. And you'll fall in love with her and she'll fall in love with you and... and you'll forget about all the Carols in this world.

Balki Bartokomous:
You tricked Balki!

Larry Appleton:
You're darn right I tricked Balki!

Balki Bartokomous:
Cousin, I want you to like her better because tonight the last class and after we hand in our term paper I'm going to pop the question.

Larry Appleton:
What? Balki, you're going to ask her to marry you?

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, of course not, don't be ridiculous," Balki says, "I'm going to 'pop the question

Larry Appleton:
That's what 'pop the question' means.

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh, then I'm not gonna do that!

Larry Appleton:
Carol is using you to do her work and when the class is over she won't remember your name.

Balki Bartokomous:
Wait a minute. Are you saying that Carol is using me to do her work and that when the class is over she won't remember my name?

Larry Appleton:
Yes

Larry Appleton:
You heard her. She 'wuvs' me to death. [pauses] Is 'wuv' the same thing as 'love' or is there something wrong with her tongue?

Larry Appleton:
There's something wrong with her tongue all right. It's forked.

Balki Bartokomous:
Tell me something I don't know!

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh po po!

Larry Appleton:
Wax lips do not a romantic evening make.

Balki Bartokomous:
Wax lips, let's party!

Larry Appleton:
Balki, when a woman says she's too busy, it's her way of putting you off. And when she says she's getting a new phone, she has no intention of giving you the number. And Jack's place is not the name of a building. It's Jack's... place.

Balki Bartokomous:
But Cousin, she don't say any of those things.

Larry Appleton:
Not in those words, but that's what she meant.

Balki Bartokomous:
Why are you doing this again? Why can't you just be happy for me? What you are saying is no true!

Larry Appleton:
Balki, if you don't believe me, then just call her yourself.

Balki Bartokomous:
Jack is, is... is not her brother. I made a fool of myself. You tried to warn me, and I wouldn't listen.

Larry Appleton:
Hey, you fell in love, there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes when you're in love you... you can't think straight. Take my word for it, the pain will go away.

Balki Bartokomous:
When?

Larry Appleton:
Well, not for a long, long time. But it will go away.

Larry Appleton:
Take a reality pill!

Larry Appleton:
I don't like to be embarrassed. I've spent my whole life avoiding embarrassing situations. Who knows when it started? Maybe when I was born nude in front of all those strangers

Larry Appleton:
Balki, that's not how you meet women. That's how muggers meet women!

Balki Bartokomous:
So, this is one of your American mating places.

Larry Appleton:
Meeting, a meeting place. People meet each other here. They mate somewhere else.

Balki Bartokomous:
Will you come with me, Cousin Larry? Tonight is kind of special.

Larry Appleton:
No, Balki, a singles bar is not my first choice of places to meet women. I prefer more formal situations you know, uh... weddings... tax audit... Heimlich maneuver...

Balki Bartokomous:
When Larry and Balki go first class they eat the whole hog!

Jennifer:
You guys must be pretty sure Mr. Twinkacetti is going to give you a raise.

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh, he'll give us a raise. Cousin Larry put it in very uncertain terms.

Larry Appleton:
This place doesn't have a management program. A methadone program, maybe.

Larry Appleton:
In America you can do anything you want to do. You just have to set your sights high.

Balki Bartokomous:
Could I be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court?

Larry Appleton:
Lower, Balki.

Balki Bartokomous:
[in a deeper voice] Could I be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court?

Marsha Manning:
You ever arm wrestle naked?

Balki Bartokomous:
No, that would be cheating!

Balki Bartokomous:
We're going to have to chew the bullet on this one.

Larry Appleton:
Okay, okay fine! You didn't lock me in the closet. There was no one at the door. We're not having this conversation. This whole day has been part of some cosmic cruelty joke. Ha ha, fine! Oh! If Tony Perkins shows up wearing a house dress and carrying a very large kitchen knife... tell him I'm in the shower!

Larry Appleton:
Why have you got peanuts in that pocket?

Balki Bartokomous:
Because I have a squirrel in this one.

Larry Appleton:
Don't they have anything on Mypos besides sheep?

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, we got a 7/11.

Balki Bartokomous:
Boy, somebody got up on the wrong side of the flock!

Balki Bartokomous:
God? Bless Cousin Larry and Gina and the new baby and please watch over Dimitri who's sleeping on the floor for the first time in his whole young life!

Larry Appleton:
This must have been how Eisenhower felt just before D-Day. All around him the troops sleeping... not Ike. He knew that one single mistake could change the course of world history.

Balki Bartokomous:
Was this before or after Ike met Tina Turner?

Larry Appleton:
Before.

Larry Appleton:
[seeing Balki in his pajamas] What are those?

Balki Bartokomous:
These my Spiderman pajamas.

Larry Appleton:
Let me rephrase that. Why are you WEARING those?

Balki Bartokomous:
Because my He-Man pajamas are in the laundry.

Balki Bartokomous:
Let's paint the town red, white and blue!

Balki Bartokomous:
What am I, mashed potatoes?

Elaine Appleton:
Have you tried sushi yet?

Balki Bartokomous:
No, not yet. I don't even have a racquet!

Balki Bartokomous:
New York! The Big Tomato!

Balki Bartokomous:
She wants to be a concert pianist. Her dream is to play with Phil's Harmonica.

Balki Bartokomous:
Why do you think Elaine come to visit us? She didn't have to do that. She could have gone right on to the Big Pineapple.

Balki Bartokomous:
[screams in pain]

Larry Appleton:
A little sore?

Balki Bartokomous:
I'd say we overdid the workout a little... or you threw me out the window.

Balki Bartokomous:
We are not the jerks you thought we were.

Larry Appleton:
Now, here's the plan. What we are trying to achieve is physical contact. Now, how do we achieve physical contact?

Balki Bartokomous:
Begging?

Larry Appleton:
[thinks about this for a minute, then finally shakes his head] Dancing.

Larry Appleton:
All right, look... here are the ground rules. Jennifer is mine.

Balki Bartokomous:
I saw her first!

Larry Appleton:
But I lusted after her first. This is America. Learn the customs.

Balki Bartokomous:
I never heard of that custom.

Larry Appleton:
It's new.

Larry Appleton:
I can't just ask her out, I have to... deceive her first

Balki Bartokomous:
I joined a healthy club!

[Balki had baked "Bibby Bobkas" -- a Myposian pastry and Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne have just tasted them for the first time.]

Larry Appleton:
Balki... this cream filling is INCREDIBLE! I mean, these not only taste good, they... they make me FEEL good! Like listening to music! Like looking at great art! I feel... I feel... Taller! Balki, your Bibby Bobkas are so good, I think you should sell them.

Balki Bartokomous:
[through laughter] Get out of this city! I wouldn't feel right taking your money. [Larry shakes his head]

Larry Appleton:
No, Balki, I don't mean sell them to US. I mean sell them to other PEOPLE. It can be a nice little business venture. You'd make a couple extra bucks and get a lesson in Free Enterprise.

Balki Bartokomous:
ENTERPRISE?! You mean I could meet Captain Kirk and Scotty?

Balki Bartokomous:
[Imitating James Doohan] I'll have full power in an hour, Captain. But I'll need more dylythium crystals.

Larry Appleton:
No, no, no... No, Balki. That's the STARSHIP Enterprise. FREE Enterprise is the American way of doing business. I'll... I'll tell you what. You whip up a batch of Bibby Bobkas, and tomorrow, I'll take 'em to restaurants and see if anybody's interested.

Balki Bartokomous:
Now, Cousin, Cousin, you don't just "whip up" Bibby Bobkas. I mean, this took me all morning; And I'm the best Bibby Bobka baker on Mypos. Believe me. Baking Bibby Bobkas is a back-breaking business.

Larry Appleton:
I understand, Balki, baking Bibby Bobkas is a back-breaking business. But... you're doing it alone. There are four of US. We'll... we'll all do it together. It'll be like a party.

Jennifer Lyons Appleton:
[smiling with impression] That's a WONDERFUL idea, Larry!

Mary Anne Spencer Bartokomous:
[likewise] Yeah. What do you say, Balki?

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, I... I guess we could bake up a batch of Bibby Bobkas and see if anybody buys.

Larry Appleton:
[grinning as he nods] Beautiful.

Larry Appleton:
Say Chuck, do you have a blueprint for your brain? I'm building an idiot!

Balki Bartokomous:
[in a hurt tone] Cousin, you didn't tell me you were building an idiot!

Larry Appleton:
It was going to be a surprise.

Balki Bartokomous:
I don't understand how one mean person can ruin everyone's happy hours!

Larry Appleton:
You know what really makes me angry is that there is nothing guys like you and me can do about guys like Chuck.

Balki Bartokomous:
Now you know, I'm not sure I agree with you. What about David and Goliath? What about Jack and the beanstalk? What about the Captain and Tennille?

Larry Appleton:
You know, Balki, these sneak attacks have really sharpened my reflexes. My senses have been honed to a razor's edge.

Balki Bartokomous:
Yeah, you could cut your toenails on my senses, too.

Balki Bartokomous:
Now that we're lean cuisine fighting machines...

Balki Bartokomous:
Larry, Larry, Larry! I look everywhere for you! I walk the streets, I search the alleys, I say to everyone, 'Have you seen Larry?' You don't know how many people have never heard of you! But now I find you and I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm safe!

Larry Appleton:
Yes, yes, now you're safe! Who are you?

Balki Bartokomous:
I am Balki Bartokomous! Philo, my fifth cousin three times removed is the step-uncle to your father on my mother's side, two continents removed.

Larry Appleton:
I see, so we're sort of related by rumor.

Balki Bartokomous:
America... land of my dreams, home of the Whopper.

Balki Bartokomous:
Who's to say who's right? You say to-may-to and I say to-may-to.

Larry Appleton:
[with a dazed look, after taking the Mypos cure] Balki... I can see *through* you.

Mr. Donald 'Twinkie' Twinkacetti:
Don't tell me... you're here for your lobotomy.

Balki Bartokomous:
No, we didn't come for fun. We came to visit you.

Balki Bartokomous:
Okay, I go to the hospital. You stay here. I go visit our boss. And when he says 'Where's Appleton?' I'll say, 'Oh him? He's at home hiding from little invisible things that are out to get him.'

Larry Appleton:
[explaining the concept of germs to Balki] Nobody can see them. They are... they're... they're tiny. They're microscopic. See, germs are little, tiny things that travel through the air and they get into your body and they make you sick.

Balki Bartokomous:
Tell me about these invisible creatures... do they have a leader?

Balki Bartokomous:
So that's how you get dates... you bribe them.

Larry Appleton:
It's a method.

Balki Bartokomous:
That makes me happier than a tick on a sheepdog!

Balki Bartokomous:
All right, buster, reach for the friendly skies!

Larry Appleton:
That makes me happier than a tick on a sheepdog!

Larry Appleton:
Don't you ever... EVER... do that again!

Balki Bartokomous:
You're a hero.

Larry Appleton:
Well, for what? For running out into the street and throwing my body between you and certain death? Well, maybe a small hero.

Balki Bartokomous:
No, Cousin, take it from me... you're a big one!

Balki Bartokomous:
Cousin Larry just did a great thing!

Mr. Donald "Twinkie" Twinkacetti:
Ooh, what'd he do? Tear up your green card?

Balki Bartokomous:
This man, Larry Appleton, just saved my life!

Mr. Donald "Twinkie" Twinkacetti:
Why?

Balki Bartokomous:
That would be such a big load off my spine!

Balki Bartokomous:
Why don't we just quit beating around George Bush and get on with this?

Balki Bartokomous:
I can't forget that I have a code!

Larry Appleton:
Balki, this is the eighties! Nobody lives by a code any more! Just look at the guys who are running for President!

Lou Miller:
[to Larry] Are you interested in this car?

Balki Bartokomous:
Are you kidding? Is he interested in this car? Does a Mypiot spit in the woods?

Larry Appleton:
Balki, your job gives you access to a lot of confidential information and it's your responsibility to keep that information to yourself. People like Gorpley will try to take advantage of you but you can't let them. It's not easy, but that's the code you have to live by.

Balki Bartokomous:
It's a code?

Larry Appleton:
It's a kind of code of honor. You understand what a code of honor is?

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, of course I do, don't be ridiculous! We sheepherders have a very strict code of honor: never practice wolf calls while the sheep are sleeping, never eat lamb chops in front of the flock, and never, ever let them see you sweat.

Balki Bartokomous:
...Sometimes if I just look at something it sticks on my brain. I think... I think I have what they call a pornographic memory.

Balki Bartokomous:
Cousin, hold on to your pants and fasten your neck brace because I'm gonna show you something that's gonna make your head spin like Linda Blair.

Larry Appleton:
Balki, Leon is a crook. These watches are counterfeit. You've been ripped off.

Balki Bartokomous:
Wait a minute. Are you saying that Leon is a crook and that these watches are counterfeit and that I've been ripped off?

[Larry abd Balki are going undercover at a high school to find the man who sold Balki undercover watches]

Larry Appleton:
[in an exaggerated Hispanic accent] ?Qu? pasa, bro? What's happening? Where's the action?

Man:
[looks him up and down] First day undercover?

Larry Appleton:
I have no integrity!

Larry Appleton:
Of course you do. You full of it.

Larry Appleton:
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyone! I just wanted to get a picture of a famous person committing adultery!

Balki Bartokomous:
I can't let you take advantage of her. I don't think it's right just because she has a public figure!

Balki Bartokomous:
Okay, wise-eyes !

Larry Appleton:
If I can get a picture of her before anyone knows she's in town, it'll show those newspaper editors that I've got what it takes to be a crack photojournalist.

Balki Bartokomous:
Cousin Larry? You know some day I'm going to look at you and say 'That's my cousin, Larry Appleton, the best photographer in the world!' And do you know why? Because you're cracked.

Balki Bartokomous:
[on the phone] Well, I guess that would depend on what you plumbers would consider an emergency... Did you see the Poseidon Adventure?

Balki Bartokomous:
Wwooowwhh!

Larry Appleton:
Good hand?

Balki Bartokomous:
How did you know?

Larry Appleton:
[Larry is teaching Balki how to play poker] Any questions?

Balki Bartokomous:
Wow! You make it all seem so complicated! All Mr. Gorpley did was deal me five cards, we'd both look at them, and he'd take my money.

Larry Appleton:
What's going on here?

Balki Bartokomous:
Are you blind?

Balki Bartokomous:
Cousin, don't think I don't appreciate it because I do! And the future woman of my dreams thanks you, too! Because thanks to you she be able to spend her wedding night the way it was meant to be... with a husband who has absolutely no idea of what he's doing.

Balki Bartokomous:
When do you think Olivia will hit the fan?

Balki Bartokomous:
She's all over me like a wet T-shirt!

Balki Bartokomous:
When you're alone with a woman and she say that she want to come over to your house to see your tapestry, does that mean what I think it means?

Larry Appleton:
Welllll... could mean she's just interested in tapestries.

Balki Bartokomous:
Okay... what about if you're alone with a woman and she kiss you so hard that your eyeballs roll back up into your head?

Larry Appleton:
That means what you think it means.

Larry Appleton:
[telling Balki about his idea for an article on neigborhoods losing their ethnic character] What do you think... Is Chicago Disappearing?"

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, I... I don't know. When you work in a basement you miss so much.

Olivia Crawford:
Ah, from the Mediterranean, right?

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, actually you go to the Mediterranean and turn left.

Olivia Crawford:
Well of course you do. With a face like that you can turn any way you want!

Balki Bartokomous:
[singing] It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, beautiful day in the neighborhood... won't you be mine? Could you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor? [cheerfully] Can you say, 'Good morning?'

Larry Appleton:
No.

Mrs. Edwina Twinkacetti:
[explaining why she wants a divorce] It's not the anniversaries, and it's not the gambling and the wild nights out with the boys. [pause] Actually... it is that. But it's more than that, too. The romance is gone. The magic is gone. You're gone.

Larry Appleton:
Having Twinkacetti as a houseguest. It's like Tokyo inviting Godzilla for dinner.

Larry Appleton:
Balki, take a reality pill!

Mr. Donald 'Twinkie' Twinkacetti:
How 'bout a brewski?

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh, no thank you. I got a Pepski.

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh, Cousin, he's our friend.

Larry Appleton:
Our friend? Balki, the man tried to have you deported for giving the correct change to a blind man!

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, I never said he was a saint.

Larry Appleton:
[bad saxaphone playing is heard coming from Twinkacetti's office] Do you hear that? That's the sound of love.

Balki Bartokomous:
Imagine what hate sounds like.

Larry Appleton:
Well, you know what they say... even bad sax is better than no sax at all.

Balki Bartokomous:
Cousin Larry have a recess in his jeans.

Larry Appleton:
Balki, there's a difference between skiing and skiing with Jennifer. One of them is a sport. The other is something worth dying for.

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, I'll say one thing for us. I think we all achieved oneness with the snow.

Balki Bartokomous:
It ain't over 'til the fat lady eats.

Balki Bartokomous:
Once upon a time there was a little goat herder and he had curly brown hair and little round cheeks and no upper lip at all.

Mary Anne:
Well, just because I'm going to die doesn't mean I have to look bad!

Balki Bartokomous:
[to Larry, as they are trying to dig out of the snow] You're my family. You took me in... you taught me American ways and culture. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Larry Appleton:
Balki! Balki! There's a light at the end of the tunnel!

Balki Bartokomous:
Yes, and every rolling stone has a silver lining...

Jennifer:
Larry, I don't know what to say... I'm flattered that you would go to so much trouble to impress me, yet repulsed at the thought that it might cost us our lives...

Mary Anne:
Don't be too angry with him, Jennifer. Think of him as one who loved not wisely but too well. I think that's Shakespeare. [pauses to think] Or Moonlighting.

Larry Appleton:
I can't do anything right. I'm an albatross... a Jonah... a bad luck charm. I'd tell you to cast me outside if we could just *get* outside!

Balki Bartokomous:
You're giving up! And you call yourselves Americans? Whatever happened to "I have not yet begun to fight?" "Don't give up the ship?" "Have it your way?" Americans aren't quitters. If George Washington had given up at Valley Forge we'd all be speaking English today!

Balki Bartokomous:
To forgive is divine... to be an airhead is human.

Balki Bartokomous:
No skin off my head!

Larry Appleton:
Balki, leave your money in the bank. Forget about the stock market, you know nothing about it.

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, of course I do, don't be ridiculous! On Mypos, I sell my sheep at the stock market.

Larry Appleton:
Eddie Harris, 315 Lincoln Avenue... he lives in our building!

Balki Bartokomous:
Well I'll be snookered! So do we!

Larry Appleton:
That's a pogo stick.

Balki Bartokomous:
Well of course it is, don't be ridiculous. You got a pogo ball in here somewhere?

Balki Bartokomous:
Boochi boochi boochi!

Larry Appleton:
[speaking about Eddie] Balki, his own mother doesn't trust him. The entire state of Florida doesn't trust him. Eleven million people can't be wrong!

Balki Bartokomous:
Remember the three P's... patience, perseverance and pride.

Larry Appleton:
Balki when it comes to Eddie the only three P's are police, prosecution and prison!

Mary Anne:
I think it's obvious that Larry's suffering from severe separation anxiety caused by the temporary loss of his childhood bicycle.

Jennifer:
Where do you learn stuff like this?

Mary Anne:
I watch Oprah!

[Shortly after their week-end party ended & the guests left, their telephone rang & the hypnosis began! A hypnotist tried to hypnotize Larry Appleton, earlier that evening, but it "bounced" on to Balki Bartokomous, as he was watching the hypnotist try hypnotize Larry. Larry acted like Marlon Brando, instead. It was Balki's first time thinking he was Elvis Presley. Balki spoke with a deep southern accent, sounding much like Elvis Presley]

Balki Bartokomous:
How did you get this number, lady?

[Shortly after the first telephone call ended, the phone rang again and Balki's first hypnosis was over. The next day, was when Larry realized that the spell the hypnotist tried on him, "accidentally" went to Balki, and they were to meet their Income Tax agent, Mister Yates, after the week-end. Larry heavily tried & made hysterical moves, especially jerking Mr. Yates' telephone line out of the wall, claiming "he was Amish" & other hysterical acts in the Income Tax office, trying to prevent Balki from hearing a chime of any type & start acting like Elvis Presley, if one occurred, especially at the Income Tax office!]

Balki Bartokomous:
[attempting humor] Well, Cousin, I guess when they were handing out the lips you only got one! [Balki laughs, then realizes Larry is not laughing] Why aren't you laughing?

Larry Appleton:
It's hard to laugh with one lip.

Balki Bartokomous:
You better get out your umbrella because the spit's gonna hit the fan!

Balki Bartokomous:
If we don't do something soon Mr. Death is going to come in here and kick your bucket!

Larry Appleton:
Why didn't I think of this before? We just won't answer the door! Mr. Death will think there's no one home and he'll go away!

Balki Bartokomous:
Cousin, it's Mr. Death, not the Avon lady!

Larry Appleton:
Are you crazy?

Balki Bartokomous:
[calmly] You seem upset.

Larry Appleton:
Yes! Yes, I'm upset! There's a killer in the bathroom!

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh, Cousin, he's not a killer! He was a thief, and a loan shark and... there was the occasional assault with a deadly weapon but he was not a killer.

Larry Appleton:
[sarcastically] Oh well, what the heck? Give him my room!

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, I didn't think it would be fair without asking first.

Balki Bartokomous:
Cousin's Larry's so excited the cat ate his tongue!

Balki Bartokomous:
[to Vince, who has just been paroled] Well, I know it's been a long trip down from up the river...

Lydia:
Why, Harriette, I may be neurotic, I may be panic-prone, and yes I will admit I have a fear of polyester, but I am *not* a thief!

Mary Anne:
You've got guts, Balki. I like that in a refugee

Balki Bartokomous:
You better start respecting Cousin Larry.

Mr. Donald 'Twinkie' Twinkacetti:
Oh, but I do, turnip! I respect Cousin Larry just as much as I respect... Cousin Moe and Cousin Curly.

Balki Bartokomous:
Cousin... why you didn't introduce me to the rest of the family?

Larry Appleton:
I forgot.

Balki Bartokomous:
What do you think? I just fell off the turnip truck? Well, I didn't! I jumped off with my own two feet!

Balki Bartokomous:
Cousin... I think you've reached the end of the pier again.

Larry Appleton:
[realizing he can't make coffee] I... I... I have to have coffee to... to cope... to exist... I need it to, uh... to, uh... to... what do you call that when you make up things in your mind? Think!

Larry Appleton:
[speaking about Twinkacetti] The man is lying. He has no grandmothers, he probably sold them

Balki Bartokomous:
Cousin Larry can be the leader

Susan Campbell:
Larry, you'd be perfect!

Jennifer:
Yes, Larry, you reek of leadership.

Larry Appleton:
Really? [smiles] Well, maybe I do... reek a little.

Balki Bartokomous:
Cousin, who's kidding who? You reek all the time!

Larry Appleton:
We could band together. If enough people want to change something they can. We stopped the war... we got women the vote... we came that close to getting Daylight Savings Time all year round.

Balki Bartokomous:
But Cousin, Mr. Twinkacetti is a land owner, we're just lowly common peasants.

Larry Appleton:
Balki, this is a democracy. We're all created equally lowly and common.

Larry Appleton:
I'm a loser. I've always been a loser. If there was a contest for losers, I'd be a winner

Larry Appleton:
How am I going to find out how she feels about me?

Balki Bartokomous:
Cousin, here's a shot in the dark... why don't you ask her?

Larry Appleton:
[laughs a few times] Just ask her? [laugs again] Balki, Balki, Balki. You have to *read* women. You have to interpret the subtle nuances of what they say or don't say, the way they look at you or don't look at you, the way they touch you or, as in my case, don't touch you.

Balki Bartokomous:
Boy, life is hard work for you.

Mary Anne:
Come on Jennifer, we need to go up to the apartment. I may have left the gas on.

Jennifer:
Mary Anne, if you'd left the gas on the building wouldn't be here.

Mary Anne:
Well that's good news.

Balki Bartokomous:
But Cousin, it will be just like you said... we'll relax, do some kickbacks, we'll be marshmallows.

Larry Appleton:
Balki, think. [Balki makes face as if thinking hard] Two girls that we like and desire are coming to dinner. What possible advantage can be gained from poisoning them?

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh, cousin! These are the staples of the Myposian diet. They make me into the big strong man I am today!

Larry Appleton:
I don't want Jennifer to be a big strong man! I want her to like me, I want her to be impressed, I want her to survive long enough to bear my children.

Balki Bartokomous:
What do you take me for, Bozo the Clone?

Balki Bartokomous:
Why are you getting all pouffed out of shape?

Larry Appleton:
A casual dinner is nothing to be taken lightly!

Balki Bartokomous:
You haven't lived until you've had snout on a stick!

Larry Appleton:
Balki, I think you misunderstood. I'm sharing my *happiness* with you... but I'm sharing the *evening* with Jennifer.

Balki Bartokomous:
[disappointed] Jennifer? Why you ask Jennifer?

Larry Appleton:
Because she's beautiful and I want her.

Balki Bartokomous:
Thats a good point, very good point.

Mary Anne:
Well, we'd better get going, we've got a lot to pack. We're coming back through New Delhi.

Jennifer:
You didn't tell me anything about New Delhi!

Mary Anne:
I don't know anything about New Delhi.

Balki Bartokomous:
But if we're dressed exactly alike how will people tell us apart?

Larry Appleton:
Dental records.

Balki Bartokomous:
Let me get this straight... everybody's going to be wearing black suits...

Larry Appleton:
Yes.

Balki Bartokomous:
Nobody's going to be having any fun...

Larry Appleton:
Yes.

Balki Bartokomous:
What the difference is between this party and a funeral?

Larry Appleton:
There's no body. But I can fix that.

Balki Bartokomous:
I'd love to rub those elbows!

Roger Morgan:
Don't mind Dennis. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Balki Bartokomous:
Must have been painful for his mama!

Balki Bartokomous:
People should just be themselves. Except for Dennis... he should be somebody else

Gina Morelli:
We decided that when Frankie gets a little older we're going to have another baby. Maybe we'll have a girl next time.

Balki Bartokomous:
[referring to the girl they brought home instead of Frankie] Maybe sooner than you think.

Larry Appleton:
[walking into the apartment pushing the baby carriage] You know... the park's a totally different place when you have a child with you. [Balki walks in behind him happily carrying a bunch of balloons] And taking Frankie along was fun, too.

Larry Appleton:
Balki, this is a decision we both should have made.

Mr. Donald "Twinkie" Twinkacetti:
[walking in just in time to hear this, and seeing Larry and Balki with the baby] I don't know how you did it... and I don't wanna know!

Balki Bartokomous:
You don't want to have a nervous breakdance.

Balki Bartokomous:
Can't pull the wool over your nose!

Larry Appleton:
Balki, I thought you were out collecting clothes for the poor?

Balki Bartokomous:
Well cousin, I was. Look how generous people were. They give me their pants off their backs.

Balki Bartokomous:
I don't care! I wash my feet of the whole business!

Balki Bartokomous:
[referring to the junk food Larry has hidden around the apartment] You have made our living room into a 7-11!

Balki Bartokomous:
You know, I can always tell when you're lying because you say everything twice.

Larry Appleton:
I'm not lying... I am *not* lying!

Larry Appleton:
Balki, Balki, Balki... this isn't Mypos. It's America! People break promises all the time! That's why we have all that Indian land!

Larry Appleton:
What did you just do to me?

Balki Bartokomous:
I just performed the Mypos Ritual of Promise.

Larry Appleton:
Am I still a Presbyterian?

Balki Bartokomous:
Look how generous people were. They give me the pants off their backs!

Larry Appleton:
If I'm going to go on a diet, I choose an American diet. We know about dieting. We happen to be the fattest country in the world.

Larry Appleton:
The Mypos Diet, please! A country whose King weighs three hundred pounds?

Balki Bartokomous:
He has a gland problem.

Larry Appleton:
Balki, you told me he holds the world record for eating jelly donuts!

Balki Bartokomous:
He's also very competitive.

Larry Appleton:
This is my high school chorus jacket! Got a lot of memories in this jacket. [puts on jacket and finds he can't button it]

Balki Bartokomous:
Maybe you should take some of the memories out of the jacket.

Balki Bartokomous:
If Cousin Larry sees you again, he's going to start to put two and four together!

Larry Appleton:
Obviously Jennifer's got a bad case of "the Larrys".

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, of course she does, don't be ridiculous! Are "the Larrys" anything like "the willies"?

Larry Appleton:
Tonight, I'm taking Jennifer out to dinner and I'm going to pull out all the stops!

Balki Bartokomous:
Oh Cousin, are you going to let her order the Double Whopper?

Larry Appleton:
Better! Tonight I am taking her to a restaurant with waiters!

Balki Bartokomous:
[upset] You're taking waiters and you're not taking me?

Larry Appleton:
I'll take you next time.

Balki Bartokomous:
I give, give, give until I'm blue in the head.

Mary Anne:
How dare you try to steal the man I like a lot away from me!

Mary Anne:
What's going on?

Jennifer:
Mary Anne, you never know what's going on.

Larry Appleton:
Why would you do that? It's not my birthday! It's not Christmas! Why would you buy this for me?

Balki Bartokomous:
Why would I buy this for you? Why would your best friend buy you a present? What am I... the first best friend you've ever had?

Larry Appleton:
[laughs and raises his hand as if to dismiss the idea]

Balki Bartokomous:
Am I the first best friend you ever had?

Larry Appleton:
[laughs again, even less convincingly]

Balki Bartokomous:
[somewhat shocked] I *am* the first best friend you've ever had!

Well feed me peanuts & call me Dumbo!